Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 1, Episode 3 - Pimp My Revenue - full transcript
[Siren]
Ow!
[Groaning]
I can't believe that bitch shot me!
You gotta take me to the hospital.
You know I can't do that, Jimmy.
I'm dying, bra!
You ain't gonna die. Say it.
I'm all shot up, man.
♪ You ain't gonna die ♪
♪ Say the freaking words ♪
I ain't gonna die. I ain't gonna die.
I ain't gonna die.
[Cheering]
Folks, put it all together for Taqu'il!
- MITZI: Taqu'il everybody!
- TAQU'IL: He's a skeet,
- And his new film is Some Like It Crook.
- He's a rapper!
- And was that a new Scion tC?
- Yeah, man.
Scion's full on behind the movie,
cross-promotions,
tie-ins, doing big-ass direct mailings.
- Yeah!
- Bringing us to our item of the day.
[Cheering]
VERL: Did you get one of these
in the mail?
MITZI: Yeah!
CREWS: And phase one begins, Stan.
Is your ass ready to be rocked?
- Why--
- I ask you.
Why is he on our network?
Because... It's too complicated
for me to explain.
- What--
- I know. That's how great it is.
KILLFACE: Great?
My God, it's fantastic.
Simon, look, look, look.
Papa's postcard is on telly.
Don't.
1 won't let you spoil this mood.
You hear this?
- You hear me smiling?
- [Door closes]
[Sighs]
- Sinn?
- Yes, sire?
Simon's had another spill.
If he always throws his food
on the floor, how is he so fat?
[Crying]
No, son...
- Now look what you've done!
- Sire, I'm sorry.
Apologize to his self-esteem!
We've talked about the chubby cycle.
One snarky comment like that,
he's right back in the cupboard.
- And he was doing so well.
- Yes, sire.
3 pounds this week Sinn. Shut up.
Just shut up and eat that cereal.
It's got glass in it.
[Sinn sighs]
- MITZI: Oh, my God, I know! Verl's like--
- VERL: I'm like, did you see this?
Skid row's half out of a mind this thing!
- This guy, this--what is it?
- Killface.
Yes! And I mean he's terrifying.
Yes, he's evil personified!
Yeah, but cameraman,
can you push in on this?
It says, "Welcome to
you-apostrophe-re doom.”
- And he's got "doom" in quotes!
- MITZI AND TAQU'IL: Yeah!
Which it shouldn't be!
Oh, I just hate it when people do that.
I just want to throw acid in their face.
- Do you know what I mean? Yes!
- Nice use.
Send a postcard to strong and white.
Oh, I'm gonna throw it out, right?
But then Rose is like,
"Boo, there's a coupon on there.”
3-piece 6.99.
See, it's so funny with the coupons.
Well, it was good for a laugh.
OK, the movie is Some Like It Crook.
TAQU'IL: It opens Friday. Check it out.
VERL: Folks, Taqu'il!
MITZI: Yeah! Put it all together.
Valerie!
Why does it say,
"Welcome to you are doom?"
What does that even mean?
And why, for God sakes,
is "doom" in quotes?
- I don't know.
- Is this some sort of ironic doom?
Is the wink implied?
- No. I don't know.
- No, it isn't.
So please tell me how and why
I'm suddenly a laughing stock.
Uh, 'cause you signed off on the proofs.
Then we pump those profits
back into the profit cycle
to generate even more profits.
And I know what you're gonna say.
Profits?
Yes, Stan, you're soaking in them.
- Thoughts?
- Harrumph.
Dude, are you even listening?
Sorry, I was jonesing for a chick parm.
- Harrumph.
- Nope. Go get your own.
And then find me that printer
so I can cut his arms off.
But you signed off on--
Mention those proofs again
and just see what happens, Valerie!
Look, bad grammar aside,
40 million people just saw your postcard.
Bugger me. They poll those numbers?
It's the highest-rated daytime show ever.
Oh, I hate America.
And their booker owes me a favor.
No, she doesn't!
Valerie, if you could get me on
"Live with Mitzi and Verl", I don't...
Oh!
Now, I'd want 2 segments,
and not the one
right after Verl's monologue.
That's--that's garbage time.
But the next 2 after the break.
Valerie, you get me on there,
and you just name your reward.
I'd like for you to let me go.
Well, you know, except for that.
[Cheering]
VERL: We are back!
- And can you believe those girls?
- Yeah!
That was the Lenox Avenue Ladybugs,
double-dutch city champs of New York.
You know, I used to be pretty good
at the old jump rope, Verl.
Oh, you want to get the girls back out here
- and see what Mitzi can do?
- [Cheering]
Who wants to see me get
my double-dutch on?
OK, let's bring 'em out, and--what?
What? Oh, Melmann says
we don't have time.
Oh, isn't he a poop?
And we don't have time
because our next guest--
You can do this.
Hello, Verl.
And you must be Mitzi.
Oh, the crowd loves me.
Holy baloney! This guy!
We talked about him last week.
- Remember when Taqu'il was on?
- Oh!
Is Taqu'il not the bomb?
Am I right, girls?
I mean I'm married,
but ll ain't that married.
Ho, ho, ho!
I hope Lloyd's not watching.
Lloyd knows I don't like
black guys anymore.
And he better be at work.
- The bling bling ain't free, Verl.
- Holy smokes!
Would you look at the size of that thing.
- Dude, that's gotta be 6 carats.
- Mmm.
- They are so in love!
- Yeah!
And I'm in love with our next guest.
He's--no.
Oh, we gotta take a break.
We'll be right back, folks.
What?
They just wasted
my entire first segment just gibbering!
No, that's the kind of snappy repartee
we love over at Scion, man.
Hi, Charles Chomers, Scion Marketing.
You can call me Chuck.
Yeah, how's the health plan over at Scion?
It's great! FPO, man.
CHUCK: Ah!
My skin!
We are back with our next guest.
He calls himself the scourge of God,
says he's gonna push
the planet into the sun.
Bing bong bing.
Make some noise for Killface!
Um. Thank you.
What, is the applause sign broken?
[Small applause]
- Thanks.
- Don't listen to them.
- Terrible crowd.
- Yeah!
Maybe they had some
of the green room snacks.
- Hmm.
- So, big guy.
You're gonna destroy the world?
Uh, yes. That's my ultimate goal.
Big guy is right.
Oh, look at those pecs.
[Cheering]
Right?
I would kill for a chest like that.
[Laughing]
I wish I had someone like her growing up.
Dude, save it for group.
Tell me you work out.
Not as often as I should, I'm afraid.
Somebody's fishing for a compliment.
No, no. Honestly.
- MITZI: Ah!
- What?
He should come on for Fitness Friday!
- Absolutely, definitely he should!
- Am I right?
Fitness Fridays.
Big guy, how much you bench?
Oh, you know, I don't know really.
I'll bet you do 240.
Actually it's closer to 900.
900 pounds, this guy!
Oh, no, sorry. That's kilos.
- 900 kilograms?
- Well, he's foreign, Verl.
- That's like a Scion!
- What?
Think you could?
Think you could?
- Think you could bench a Scion?
- I don't know--
- He should bench a Scion.
- Fitness Friday. You come back.
We'll get with the good folks at Scion,
and you'll bench a new Scion tC.
- All right?
- Please stop talking.
Oh, boy. Randy,
tell him about the new Scion tC.
RANDY: Introducing the Scion tC.
The bold, sleek styling is all like ka-kow,
but the 2.4 liter dual overhead cam engine
with 160 horsepower is all like ka-kow!
The Scion tC, Verl.
It's what moves you.
[Cheering]
What moves you indeed, Randy.
I'd like to take that to the beach.
Yeah. You at the beach.
With your skin?
- Love the Scion tC.
- Why did you--
Love, love, love the Scion tC.
- Rose is in my ear 24I7.
- Knowing Rose, it's 2518.
I want you to stop talking.
Verl, what about the new Scion tC?
Verl, let's get a new Scion tC.
Verl, with a new panoramic
power glide moon roof
and a 2-in-one carpet with cargo mats,
you can't go wrong.
Verl, Verl, Verl!
VERL: With our new Scion tC--
XTACLE: Oh, my God. I need that.
- You have to get her one.
- I know. It's a great car.
MITZI: The amber instrument panel
illumination is standard, Verl.
Standard!
Scion tC!
Scio-wrong tC!
Should I get Rose a new Scion tC?
It's got an mp3 player jack
for ripping and burning or whatever!
- What do you think, big guy?
- 1 don't know.
What's not to know? It's a great car.
Verl, you should get
everybody a Scion tC.
No, Ronnie.
They're going nuts for it. Listen.
[Cheering]
Also, can you transfer me to HR?
They're eager for a new Scion, Verl.
OK, OK!
Everybody, look under your seats!
Stop it!
First of all, Oprah already gave
her audience cars.
Not the new Scion tC she didn't.
Then you waste one segment
clucking like a goose about that damn ring.
And I hope you know a good appraiser,
because if that's not paste,
I'll eat my hat.
Now, my last remaining segment
has fallen victim to Scion fever.
- 'Cause we love the new Scion tC!
- Shut up!
There's a clear line between
entertainment and advertising,
and you've bloody well crossed it.
Those 18 to 24s you're so keen on
detest being pitched to.
And when I destroy the world,
they won't have much use
for 17-inch alloy wheels, so--
- [Laughter]
- What?
No, no, no. Turn that off there.
Stop it.
I won't be your pitch man.
You hear me?
[Sighs]
You're all doomed.
- Doomed to enjoy the new Scion tC.
- Yeah!
'Cause we'll be right back
with new Scion {Cs for everybody.
Yeah!
STAN: That was your big plan?
What did that even accomplish?
- It set the stage for phase 2, Stan.
- What the hell is phase 2?
I'm thinking Las Vegas.
- I like to call it "Lost Wages".
- Nice.
What a colossal waste of time,
and I defy this day to get any worse.
MAN: Hey, there goes the new Scion tC.
2nd MAN: Damn, that is tight!
I hate this country.
XTACLES: Scion tC!
Son of a whore!
Yes, have fun driving
your new Scion tC around on the sun!
Perfectly happy with my gift bag. What?
The Lenox Avenue Ladybugs got fleeces!
Ow!
[Groaning]
I can't believe that bitch shot me!
You gotta take me to the hospital.
You know I can't do that, Jimmy.
I'm dying, bra!
You ain't gonna die. Say it.
I'm all shot up, man.
♪ You ain't gonna die ♪
♪ Say the freaking words ♪
I ain't gonna die. I ain't gonna die.
I ain't gonna die.
[Cheering]
Folks, put it all together for Taqu'il!
- MITZI: Taqu'il everybody!
- TAQU'IL: He's a skeet,
- And his new film is Some Like It Crook.
- He's a rapper!
- And was that a new Scion tC?
- Yeah, man.
Scion's full on behind the movie,
cross-promotions,
tie-ins, doing big-ass direct mailings.
- Yeah!
- Bringing us to our item of the day.
[Cheering]
VERL: Did you get one of these
in the mail?
MITZI: Yeah!
CREWS: And phase one begins, Stan.
Is your ass ready to be rocked?
- Why--
- I ask you.
Why is he on our network?
Because... It's too complicated
for me to explain.
- What--
- I know. That's how great it is.
KILLFACE: Great?
My God, it's fantastic.
Simon, look, look, look.
Papa's postcard is on telly.
Don't.
1 won't let you spoil this mood.
You hear this?
- You hear me smiling?
- [Door closes]
[Sighs]
- Sinn?
- Yes, sire?
Simon's had another spill.
If he always throws his food
on the floor, how is he so fat?
[Crying]
No, son...
- Now look what you've done!
- Sire, I'm sorry.
Apologize to his self-esteem!
We've talked about the chubby cycle.
One snarky comment like that,
he's right back in the cupboard.
- And he was doing so well.
- Yes, sire.
3 pounds this week Sinn. Shut up.
Just shut up and eat that cereal.
It's got glass in it.
[Sinn sighs]
- MITZI: Oh, my God, I know! Verl's like--
- VERL: I'm like, did you see this?
Skid row's half out of a mind this thing!
- This guy, this--what is it?
- Killface.
Yes! And I mean he's terrifying.
Yes, he's evil personified!
Yeah, but cameraman,
can you push in on this?
It says, "Welcome to
you-apostrophe-re doom.”
- And he's got "doom" in quotes!
- MITZI AND TAQU'IL: Yeah!
Which it shouldn't be!
Oh, I just hate it when people do that.
I just want to throw acid in their face.
- Do you know what I mean? Yes!
- Nice use.
Send a postcard to strong and white.
Oh, I'm gonna throw it out, right?
But then Rose is like,
"Boo, there's a coupon on there.”
3-piece 6.99.
See, it's so funny with the coupons.
Well, it was good for a laugh.
OK, the movie is Some Like It Crook.
TAQU'IL: It opens Friday. Check it out.
VERL: Folks, Taqu'il!
MITZI: Yeah! Put it all together.
Valerie!
Why does it say,
"Welcome to you are doom?"
What does that even mean?
And why, for God sakes,
is "doom" in quotes?
- I don't know.
- Is this some sort of ironic doom?
Is the wink implied?
- No. I don't know.
- No, it isn't.
So please tell me how and why
I'm suddenly a laughing stock.
Uh, 'cause you signed off on the proofs.
Then we pump those profits
back into the profit cycle
to generate even more profits.
And I know what you're gonna say.
Profits?
Yes, Stan, you're soaking in them.
- Thoughts?
- Harrumph.
Dude, are you even listening?
Sorry, I was jonesing for a chick parm.
- Harrumph.
- Nope. Go get your own.
And then find me that printer
so I can cut his arms off.
But you signed off on--
Mention those proofs again
and just see what happens, Valerie!
Look, bad grammar aside,
40 million people just saw your postcard.
Bugger me. They poll those numbers?
It's the highest-rated daytime show ever.
Oh, I hate America.
And their booker owes me a favor.
No, she doesn't!
Valerie, if you could get me on
"Live with Mitzi and Verl", I don't...
Oh!
Now, I'd want 2 segments,
and not the one
right after Verl's monologue.
That's--that's garbage time.
But the next 2 after the break.
Valerie, you get me on there,
and you just name your reward.
I'd like for you to let me go.
Well, you know, except for that.
[Cheering]
VERL: We are back!
- And can you believe those girls?
- Yeah!
That was the Lenox Avenue Ladybugs,
double-dutch city champs of New York.
You know, I used to be pretty good
at the old jump rope, Verl.
Oh, you want to get the girls back out here
- and see what Mitzi can do?
- [Cheering]
Who wants to see me get
my double-dutch on?
OK, let's bring 'em out, and--what?
What? Oh, Melmann says
we don't have time.
Oh, isn't he a poop?
And we don't have time
because our next guest--
You can do this.
Hello, Verl.
And you must be Mitzi.
Oh, the crowd loves me.
Holy baloney! This guy!
We talked about him last week.
- Remember when Taqu'il was on?
- Oh!
Is Taqu'il not the bomb?
Am I right, girls?
I mean I'm married,
but ll ain't that married.
Ho, ho, ho!
I hope Lloyd's not watching.
Lloyd knows I don't like
black guys anymore.
And he better be at work.
- The bling bling ain't free, Verl.
- Holy smokes!
Would you look at the size of that thing.
- Dude, that's gotta be 6 carats.
- Mmm.
- They are so in love!
- Yeah!
And I'm in love with our next guest.
He's--no.
Oh, we gotta take a break.
We'll be right back, folks.
What?
They just wasted
my entire first segment just gibbering!
No, that's the kind of snappy repartee
we love over at Scion, man.
Hi, Charles Chomers, Scion Marketing.
You can call me Chuck.
Yeah, how's the health plan over at Scion?
It's great! FPO, man.
CHUCK: Ah!
My skin!
We are back with our next guest.
He calls himself the scourge of God,
says he's gonna push
the planet into the sun.
Bing bong bing.
Make some noise for Killface!
Um. Thank you.
What, is the applause sign broken?
[Small applause]
- Thanks.
- Don't listen to them.
- Terrible crowd.
- Yeah!
Maybe they had some
of the green room snacks.
- Hmm.
- So, big guy.
You're gonna destroy the world?
Uh, yes. That's my ultimate goal.
Big guy is right.
Oh, look at those pecs.
[Cheering]
Right?
I would kill for a chest like that.
[Laughing]
I wish I had someone like her growing up.
Dude, save it for group.
Tell me you work out.
Not as often as I should, I'm afraid.
Somebody's fishing for a compliment.
No, no. Honestly.
- MITZI: Ah!
- What?
He should come on for Fitness Friday!
- Absolutely, definitely he should!
- Am I right?
Fitness Fridays.
Big guy, how much you bench?
Oh, you know, I don't know really.
I'll bet you do 240.
Actually it's closer to 900.
900 pounds, this guy!
Oh, no, sorry. That's kilos.
- 900 kilograms?
- Well, he's foreign, Verl.
- That's like a Scion!
- What?
Think you could?
Think you could?
- Think you could bench a Scion?
- I don't know--
- He should bench a Scion.
- Fitness Friday. You come back.
We'll get with the good folks at Scion,
and you'll bench a new Scion tC.
- All right?
- Please stop talking.
Oh, boy. Randy,
tell him about the new Scion tC.
RANDY: Introducing the Scion tC.
The bold, sleek styling is all like ka-kow,
but the 2.4 liter dual overhead cam engine
with 160 horsepower is all like ka-kow!
The Scion tC, Verl.
It's what moves you.
[Cheering]
What moves you indeed, Randy.
I'd like to take that to the beach.
Yeah. You at the beach.
With your skin?
- Love the Scion tC.
- Why did you--
Love, love, love the Scion tC.
- Rose is in my ear 24I7.
- Knowing Rose, it's 2518.
I want you to stop talking.
Verl, what about the new Scion tC?
Verl, let's get a new Scion tC.
Verl, with a new panoramic
power glide moon roof
and a 2-in-one carpet with cargo mats,
you can't go wrong.
Verl, Verl, Verl!
VERL: With our new Scion tC--
XTACLE: Oh, my God. I need that.
- You have to get her one.
- I know. It's a great car.
MITZI: The amber instrument panel
illumination is standard, Verl.
Standard!
Scion tC!
Scio-wrong tC!
Should I get Rose a new Scion tC?
It's got an mp3 player jack
for ripping and burning or whatever!
- What do you think, big guy?
- 1 don't know.
What's not to know? It's a great car.
Verl, you should get
everybody a Scion tC.
No, Ronnie.
They're going nuts for it. Listen.
[Cheering]
Also, can you transfer me to HR?
They're eager for a new Scion, Verl.
OK, OK!
Everybody, look under your seats!
Stop it!
First of all, Oprah already gave
her audience cars.
Not the new Scion tC she didn't.
Then you waste one segment
clucking like a goose about that damn ring.
And I hope you know a good appraiser,
because if that's not paste,
I'll eat my hat.
Now, my last remaining segment
has fallen victim to Scion fever.
- 'Cause we love the new Scion tC!
- Shut up!
There's a clear line between
entertainment and advertising,
and you've bloody well crossed it.
Those 18 to 24s you're so keen on
detest being pitched to.
And when I destroy the world,
they won't have much use
for 17-inch alloy wheels, so--
- [Laughter]
- What?
No, no, no. Turn that off there.
Stop it.
I won't be your pitch man.
You hear me?
[Sighs]
You're all doomed.
- Doomed to enjoy the new Scion tC.
- Yeah!
'Cause we'll be right back
with new Scion {Cs for everybody.
Yeah!
STAN: That was your big plan?
What did that even accomplish?
- It set the stage for phase 2, Stan.
- What the hell is phase 2?
I'm thinking Las Vegas.
- I like to call it "Lost Wages".
- Nice.
What a colossal waste of time,
and I defy this day to get any worse.
MAN: Hey, there goes the new Scion tC.
2nd MAN: Damn, that is tight!
I hate this country.
XTACLES: Scion tC!
Son of a whore!
Yes, have fun driving
your new Scion tC around on the sun!
Perfectly happy with my gift bag. What?
The Lenox Avenue Ladybugs got fleeces!