Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 1, Episode 12 - Penultimate Fighting - full transcript
Equipped only with a map, a bag of radishes, and brand new eyes goggling about in their heads, Killface and billionaire tycoon Xander Crews (a.k.a. Barnaby Jones) attempt to rescue Simon from the evil clutches of master criminal Torpedo Vegas. Who instantly captures them. And then forces them to fight - to the death. Could this be the end?.
[Simon mumbling]
Do you even know how huge
these death rabbit fights could be for me?
- Do you?
So huge that it doesn't matter,
'cause you still got ants in your brain?
Oh, I've got a plan for that.
- Yeah, is that ant poison?
- No, what? Why?
Yeah, no, that's a-- great plan.
CREWS: So that's your plan?
Break in there,
kill all the guards and rescue Simon?
A simple, logical progression, Barnaby.
[Guns cocking]
Fleeze, douche bags!
Yeah.
Yeah, pretty much writes itself.
I can't put coins in it.
That's what I'm trying to tell--
I can't put coins in it, it'll jam it.
No, I cannot--
No, OK, I'm hanging up.
- [Beep]
- Ahh.
I mean, it's--seriously, it's every morning.
KILLFACE: Pneumatic tubes, eh?
- Obviously.
- Can't put coins in those.
VEGAS: They were very clear about that.
I don't even know where they go.
I just know I can't put coins in them, can I?
- Because I can't put coins in it!
Oh. So, why'd you two sneak into my lair?
- I'm here to--
- He kidnapped me!
- I have Patty Hearst syndrome!
- Barnaby--
What are we doing?
I am here to rescue my son Simon
from your--your evil clutches.
Uh-uh, no. No, no, no.
He's like a kid in a candy shop,
and that candy is--
success.
And I'm--I'm that friendly man
at the cash register
with the handlebar mustache. Ha ha ha.
- What?
- I think I'm missing a key reference.
But I can't have people sneaking in here...
Is that from Little House?
Leaking dookie water on my rug,
that's unacceptable.
- I have Patty Hearst syndrome!
- Now, shush.
Barnaby, just--
I'm getting furious with you.
You don't even have pants on.
Neither does he.
- He doesn't have a penis!
- Well, ah--
- As far as I can tell.
- Yeah, what is the story on that?
- Seriously.
- Hah, right, you're one to talk.
My penis fills an entire tallboy!
Master cylinder!
Heh. I'm sure it doesn't fill it.
Yes, don't listen to him, He's crazy.
Was Patty Hearst crazy
when she kidnapped the Lindbergh twins?
Barnaby, just-- turn 6.
Frankly, I think your kid
could use a more, uh--
- All right.
- Positive role model.
Wha--
You mean you hang out together?
- Yeah.
- Weird.
OK, I'll--
I'll let you have the kid back.
[Gasp]
If-- And this is the part that I kind of like--
If you two fight to the death.
- Done.
- What?!
[Giggles]
- Dude, what are you--
- Barnaby, shut up. I have a plan.
I don't even have any coins, you bitch!
[Beep]
Ahh...
All right.
God, I wish they'd get on with it.
That local Peabody ain't gonna win itself!
Hah, how would you know?
- Ha ha, ha ha.
- What is that?
- Oh, no, nothing.
- Why would you even say that?
Is that, um...
- Is that ant poison?
- No. What?
- Why?
- No, no, nothing. That's a good plan.
VEGAS: Your attention, please!
Oh, God, I love Chinatown!
Uh, tonight's death rabbit bouts
have been cancelled.
What the hell, damn guy!
Oh, man, I hate Chinatown!
I bet that damn Darcel Jones
is behind this.
[Growls]
God, she's always trying to one-up me.
Really? You think you're, like,
you're even on her radar?
XTACLE: Zing
GRACE: You know...
[Laughs] I'm sorry, he's killing you.
Instead of rabbits, we will have
a human death match, ha ha ha.
- Boosh!
- Between two best friends, ha ha ha!
- Yeah!
- Boosh!
I frickin' love Chinatown.
Me, too, man.
- I wanna tea bag Chinatown!
- Boosh!
- What's up my big, red robot ninja?
- Ha ha! Boosh.
God, I'm wasted!
In the blue corner, ha ha!
Tipping the scales
at 440 rippling muscley pounds,
Killface!
[Cheering]
Oh. The crowd loves me.
Papa!
[Mumbles]
In the red corner,
weighing in at 190 pounds, ha ha,
Barnaby Jones!
Woo!
God, finally these two are gonna fight.
I know, like, drag it out some more.
Why don't ya.
Ah, these two, like the Sam and Diane of...
two gay guys.
1 don't know.
Wait, I'm--uh, gettin' some interference
on here, what's--
Hang on.
I'm getting some interference on here.
- Somebody on this channel?
- Are these tubes going bad?
What's going on?
Bet it's those tubes.
- Ah, we're blown!
- They made us!
We're blown, they made us!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
MAN: Cody's down!
So, what do we do now?
We watch.
And we wait.
[Growls]
[Mumbles]
Mr. Vegas is waiting for you.
[Mumbles]
Yeah, my ass is everywhere.
Now, go on, moon rock.
[Bell dings]
All right, now, while I think of a plan--
Plan?!
It was your stupid ass plan
that got us in this pickle.
Oh, we were suppose to get pi--
Don't say it.
- Sorry.
- Just try to make the fight look real.
- Ugh!
- All right, OK, relatively.
OK, OK, Barnaby?
Don't punch me, I'm coughing.
Ah, hell no, you never bet on the white guy.
- Never on the white guy.
- That's just dumb.
Well, who do you bet on
when it's two white guys?
Well, that one guy's not even fighting.
Ugh, ugh, ugh!
That's the rope-a-dope, dog!
OK, just not every time
right in the retina. It will detach.
- Woo!
- Barnaby?
Do you hear a dial tone?
[Cheering]
'Cause Barnaby Jones is off the hook!
Man! He's whipping his ass!
Aw, man, this fight's fixed.
[Booing]
What the hell, damn guy!
Aw, [bleep] it, man,
This bull [bleep] going on around here.
Barnaby, they're not buying it.
Gonna have to go with plan "b".
Yeah, 'cause you're gettin' your ass kicked!
- I apologize in advance.
- Hey, dude, what're you--
Aah!
Oh, son of a bitch!
Oh, my God, he bit off his ear!
Yeah!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Chinatown's got something for everybody!
Boosh!
God, I might win 2 local Peabodys.
Guys, are you getting this? Over!
GRACE: Guys, are you there? Over!
- Ga--
- Why won't she die?!
You do not [bleep]
with the Department of Labor!
I'm out of Betas! Give me a 3/4!
What is that, a 314?
Oh, my God, I'm hit!
Cody!
My ear! Somebody put it in milk!
Pff! What's that?
No, no, no. They can reattach it!
Harumph, harumph! Harumph, harumph!
Well, there's something
you don't see every day.
- Man, I love Chinatown.
- Me, too!
Oh, you're [bleep] dead.
Yes, that's the spirit, Barnaby.
- Ugh!
- You're really selling it.
- Say, what's that?
- Bring that energy.
I obviously can't hear you!
[Cheers]
OK, Barnaby--
Hey, I'm Killface and I have a plan!
Let me shoot your [bleep] eyes out!
And then, let's wander through
a [bleep] sewer our whole lives--
so we can find
my [bleep] fat-ass weirdo kid--
- Hey--
- Who just happens to be--
- Barnaby, don't--
- The world's fattest [bleep] pussy!
[Roars]
Ugh!
- You made me do that!
- [Coughs]
Well, your kid's still a pussy.
Barnaby!
Because you are a failure as a parent.
[Roars]
[Mumbles]
[Gasp]
- Hey, Ronnie, isn't that your rape-wig?
- Yeah, is one of them.
- Kill him!
- Yeah!
- Kill him!
- Hit him, moon man!
No...
I--1 can't! I can't do it!
- Lame!
- Boo!
- You know the law!
- This is Chinatown!
- Kill him!
- No, look at his face.
What?
- He's got the mind of a child.
- Aww...
- Kill him!
- I won't kill my best friend.
VEGAS: I like that.
- [Gasp]
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
- I'm sorry?
- Your words have moved me, Killface,
and I'm not a man easily moved.
This man, Barnaby Jones, may live.
- [Cheers]
- B.J.- lives!
And your son may leave
my curious employ.
[Mumbles]
Oh, thank God! We did it, Barnaby!
Oh...
- They're giving away free flags!
- Yes!
Everyone got what they wanted.
Oh...
- Right?
- Yeah.
[Coughs]
I need an ambulance!
[Coughs]
I'll call you a hearse.
- This is for Cody.
- No!
- Dude, what are you doing?
- Um...
Here, hold this.
Cody! What did you do?
- What did you do?
- Hey, man--
You're going down for this, Cody.
VEGAS: Son, what can I say?
This was a phenomenally great idea
you had, son.
[Mumbles]
And your cut is 40--30 grand.
[Mumbles]
Yeah, you can count it,
if you wanna be a douche bag all your life.
- What?
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I'm kidding. Don't worry about it.
Yes!
With the thrilling footage in my purse-cam,
I am sure to win the local Peabody!
Take that, Darcel Jo--
[Growls]
Did you see that?
Wh-- Was that an ocelot?
No, it was a jaguar!
And I--
am Darcel Jones of Team Jaguar!
Of course you are.
Called it.
Ha, ha.
See you at the local Peabodys, Ryan.
- Did I not call it?
- Or not, probably.
Skittles? Come here, girl.
Oh, my God.
- Totally called it.
- Ha ha! Me, too!
- [Crash]
- Ha ha! Boosh!
- You know--
- Well, if that was Darcel Jones,
where's the dry cleaner?
[Growls]
Ah...
So, hey...
- Mm?
- Thanks for not killing me.
Things got a little crazy back there.
Barnaby, how could I kill my best friend?
- Yeah.
- Barnaby, we're B.F.F.
♪ Everybody, hey ♪
♪ My buddy is named ♪
Yeah.
- You remember that.
- Yeah, and I love that song.
You know I do, but, um,
I am actually--
- Xander Crews!
- What?!
Woop, woop, woop, woop!
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Cody's down! ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Cody's down! ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Cody's down! ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Cody's down! ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Cody's-- ♪
[Growls]
Do you even know how huge
these death rabbit fights could be for me?
- Do you?
So huge that it doesn't matter,
'cause you still got ants in your brain?
Oh, I've got a plan for that.
- Yeah, is that ant poison?
- No, what? Why?
Yeah, no, that's a-- great plan.
CREWS: So that's your plan?
Break in there,
kill all the guards and rescue Simon?
A simple, logical progression, Barnaby.
[Guns cocking]
Fleeze, douche bags!
Yeah.
Yeah, pretty much writes itself.
I can't put coins in it.
That's what I'm trying to tell--
I can't put coins in it, it'll jam it.
No, I cannot--
No, OK, I'm hanging up.
- [Beep]
- Ahh.
I mean, it's--seriously, it's every morning.
KILLFACE: Pneumatic tubes, eh?
- Obviously.
- Can't put coins in those.
VEGAS: They were very clear about that.
I don't even know where they go.
I just know I can't put coins in them, can I?
- Because I can't put coins in it!
Oh. So, why'd you two sneak into my lair?
- I'm here to--
- He kidnapped me!
- I have Patty Hearst syndrome!
- Barnaby--
What are we doing?
I am here to rescue my son Simon
from your--your evil clutches.
Uh-uh, no. No, no, no.
He's like a kid in a candy shop,
and that candy is--
success.
And I'm--I'm that friendly man
at the cash register
with the handlebar mustache. Ha ha ha.
- What?
- I think I'm missing a key reference.
But I can't have people sneaking in here...
Is that from Little House?
Leaking dookie water on my rug,
that's unacceptable.
- I have Patty Hearst syndrome!
- Now, shush.
Barnaby, just--
I'm getting furious with you.
You don't even have pants on.
Neither does he.
- He doesn't have a penis!
- Well, ah--
- As far as I can tell.
- Yeah, what is the story on that?
- Seriously.
- Hah, right, you're one to talk.
My penis fills an entire tallboy!
Master cylinder!
Heh. I'm sure it doesn't fill it.
Yes, don't listen to him, He's crazy.
Was Patty Hearst crazy
when she kidnapped the Lindbergh twins?
Barnaby, just-- turn 6.
Frankly, I think your kid
could use a more, uh--
- All right.
- Positive role model.
Wha--
You mean you hang out together?
- Yeah.
- Weird.
OK, I'll--
I'll let you have the kid back.
[Gasp]
If-- And this is the part that I kind of like--
If you two fight to the death.
- Done.
- What?!
[Giggles]
- Dude, what are you--
- Barnaby, shut up. I have a plan.
I don't even have any coins, you bitch!
[Beep]
Ahh...
All right.
God, I wish they'd get on with it.
That local Peabody ain't gonna win itself!
Hah, how would you know?
- Ha ha, ha ha.
- What is that?
- Oh, no, nothing.
- Why would you even say that?
Is that, um...
- Is that ant poison?
- No. What?
- Why?
- No, no, nothing. That's a good plan.
VEGAS: Your attention, please!
Oh, God, I love Chinatown!
Uh, tonight's death rabbit bouts
have been cancelled.
What the hell, damn guy!
Oh, man, I hate Chinatown!
I bet that damn Darcel Jones
is behind this.
[Growls]
God, she's always trying to one-up me.
Really? You think you're, like,
you're even on her radar?
XTACLE: Zing
GRACE: You know...
[Laughs] I'm sorry, he's killing you.
Instead of rabbits, we will have
a human death match, ha ha ha.
- Boosh!
- Between two best friends, ha ha ha!
- Yeah!
- Boosh!
I frickin' love Chinatown.
Me, too, man.
- I wanna tea bag Chinatown!
- Boosh!
- What's up my big, red robot ninja?
- Ha ha! Boosh.
God, I'm wasted!
In the blue corner, ha ha!
Tipping the scales
at 440 rippling muscley pounds,
Killface!
[Cheering]
Oh. The crowd loves me.
Papa!
[Mumbles]
In the red corner,
weighing in at 190 pounds, ha ha,
Barnaby Jones!
Woo!
God, finally these two are gonna fight.
I know, like, drag it out some more.
Why don't ya.
Ah, these two, like the Sam and Diane of...
two gay guys.
1 don't know.
Wait, I'm--uh, gettin' some interference
on here, what's--
Hang on.
I'm getting some interference on here.
- Somebody on this channel?
- Are these tubes going bad?
What's going on?
Bet it's those tubes.
- Ah, we're blown!
- They made us!
We're blown, they made us!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
MAN: Cody's down!
So, what do we do now?
We watch.
And we wait.
[Growls]
[Mumbles]
Mr. Vegas is waiting for you.
[Mumbles]
Yeah, my ass is everywhere.
Now, go on, moon rock.
[Bell dings]
All right, now, while I think of a plan--
Plan?!
It was your stupid ass plan
that got us in this pickle.
Oh, we were suppose to get pi--
Don't say it.
- Sorry.
- Just try to make the fight look real.
- Ugh!
- All right, OK, relatively.
OK, OK, Barnaby?
Don't punch me, I'm coughing.
Ah, hell no, you never bet on the white guy.
- Never on the white guy.
- That's just dumb.
Well, who do you bet on
when it's two white guys?
Well, that one guy's not even fighting.
Ugh, ugh, ugh!
That's the rope-a-dope, dog!
OK, just not every time
right in the retina. It will detach.
- Woo!
- Barnaby?
Do you hear a dial tone?
[Cheering]
'Cause Barnaby Jones is off the hook!
Man! He's whipping his ass!
Aw, man, this fight's fixed.
[Booing]
What the hell, damn guy!
Aw, [bleep] it, man,
This bull [bleep] going on around here.
Barnaby, they're not buying it.
Gonna have to go with plan "b".
Yeah, 'cause you're gettin' your ass kicked!
- I apologize in advance.
- Hey, dude, what're you--
Aah!
Oh, son of a bitch!
Oh, my God, he bit off his ear!
Yeah!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Chinatown's got something for everybody!
Boosh!
God, I might win 2 local Peabodys.
Guys, are you getting this? Over!
GRACE: Guys, are you there? Over!
- Ga--
- Why won't she die?!
You do not [bleep]
with the Department of Labor!
I'm out of Betas! Give me a 3/4!
What is that, a 314?
Oh, my God, I'm hit!
Cody!
My ear! Somebody put it in milk!
Pff! What's that?
No, no, no. They can reattach it!
Harumph, harumph! Harumph, harumph!
Well, there's something
you don't see every day.
- Man, I love Chinatown.
- Me, too!
Oh, you're [bleep] dead.
Yes, that's the spirit, Barnaby.
- Ugh!
- You're really selling it.
- Say, what's that?
- Bring that energy.
I obviously can't hear you!
[Cheers]
OK, Barnaby--
Hey, I'm Killface and I have a plan!
Let me shoot your [bleep] eyes out!
And then, let's wander through
a [bleep] sewer our whole lives--
so we can find
my [bleep] fat-ass weirdo kid--
- Hey--
- Who just happens to be--
- Barnaby, don't--
- The world's fattest [bleep] pussy!
[Roars]
Ugh!
- You made me do that!
- [Coughs]
Well, your kid's still a pussy.
Barnaby!
Because you are a failure as a parent.
[Roars]
[Mumbles]
[Gasp]
- Hey, Ronnie, isn't that your rape-wig?
- Yeah, is one of them.
- Kill him!
- Yeah!
- Kill him!
- Hit him, moon man!
No...
I--1 can't! I can't do it!
- Lame!
- Boo!
- You know the law!
- This is Chinatown!
- Kill him!
- No, look at his face.
What?
- He's got the mind of a child.
- Aww...
- Kill him!
- I won't kill my best friend.
VEGAS: I like that.
- [Gasp]
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
- I'm sorry?
- Your words have moved me, Killface,
and I'm not a man easily moved.
This man, Barnaby Jones, may live.
- [Cheers]
- B.J.- lives!
And your son may leave
my curious employ.
[Mumbles]
Oh, thank God! We did it, Barnaby!
Oh...
- They're giving away free flags!
- Yes!
Everyone got what they wanted.
Oh...
- Right?
- Yeah.
[Coughs]
I need an ambulance!
[Coughs]
I'll call you a hearse.
- This is for Cody.
- No!
- Dude, what are you doing?
- Um...
Here, hold this.
Cody! What did you do?
- What did you do?
- Hey, man--
You're going down for this, Cody.
VEGAS: Son, what can I say?
This was a phenomenally great idea
you had, son.
[Mumbles]
And your cut is 40--30 grand.
[Mumbles]
Yeah, you can count it,
if you wanna be a douche bag all your life.
- What?
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I'm kidding. Don't worry about it.
Yes!
With the thrilling footage in my purse-cam,
I am sure to win the local Peabody!
Take that, Darcel Jo--
[Growls]
Did you see that?
Wh-- Was that an ocelot?
No, it was a jaguar!
And I--
am Darcel Jones of Team Jaguar!
Of course you are.
Called it.
Ha, ha.
See you at the local Peabodys, Ryan.
- Did I not call it?
- Or not, probably.
Skittles? Come here, girl.
Oh, my God.
- Totally called it.
- Ha ha! Me, too!
- [Crash]
- Ha ha! Boosh!
- You know--
- Well, if that was Darcel Jones,
where's the dry cleaner?
[Growls]
Ah...
So, hey...
- Mm?
- Thanks for not killing me.
Things got a little crazy back there.
Barnaby, how could I kill my best friend?
- Yeah.
- Barnaby, we're B.F.F.
♪ Everybody, hey ♪
♪ My buddy is named ♪
Yeah.
- You remember that.
- Yeah, and I love that song.
You know I do, but, um,
I am actually--
- Xander Crews!
- What?!
Woop, woop, woop, woop!
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Cody's down! ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Cody's down! ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Cody's down! ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Cody's down! ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Growls]
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Cody's-- ♪
[Growls]