Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 5 - The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner - full transcript

Oh, hey, you guys?

I couldn't get a reservation
for the night of my birthday...

so we'll have to do dinner
Thursday night instead.

- Thursday? But that's Halloween.
So?

It's just spooky, that's all.

Uh, so is Mike coming to dinner?

No. It's my first birthday
with a boyfriend, and he has to work.

I'd get mad at him, but I think
it's too soon to show my true colors.

Well, I would make the reservation
for five.

One of us has to stay home
and watch Emma.

- Which one of us should go to dinner?
- Oh, Rachel.



Uh, actually, I was thinking
maybe both of us could go.

Oh, yay.

Thanks. I'll put a lot of extra thought
into your gift.

All right, so great, we can all go now.

That is fun. Hey. You know what?

We all haven't been together,
the six of us, in such a long time.

What are you talking about?
We're all together now.

Uh, Mon? Chandler's not here.

Oh, dear God.

Hello, everyone. It's nice to see
our team together for the first time.

Now, before we get started,
are there any questions?

- Yes. Ken, is it?
- That's right.

Is it true the reason you're in Tulsa
is that you fell asleep in a meeting...

and took the job without realizing
what you were saying yes to?



Well, don't believe
everything you hear, Ken.

But yeah, that's true.

All right, let's get started by, uh,
taking a look at last quarter's figures.

Uh, Claudia, aren't you supposed
to blow smoke up the boss's ass?

- I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you?
- No. I smoked for years. Then I quit.

Right now, I can't remember why.

You're not allowed to smoke
in this office though, right?

Yes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke
in offices with 15 people or less.

- Would you like one?
- All right, look. I don't smoke anymore.

But if the rest of you want to light up,
go ahead, it's fine.

So you all smoke, then? Heh.

You know, it's almost rude
that I'm not smoking.

- That's not true. If you don't wanna smoke...
- Ken, please!

No, I can't. I can't smoke.
If I smoke, my wife would kill me.

I'm sorry, but isn't your wife
back in New York?

I've always liked you, Ken.

Trick or treat.

Hey.
- Ooh, and "treat" it is.

Wow. So glad I changed.

I almost wore my threadbare robe
that can't contain my breasts.

This is not what I'm wearing.
I'm ovulating...

and Chandler's gonna be home.
So I thought we would try before dinner.

Oh. Wait, does that...? You guys won't
be late for my dinner, will you?

Chandler and I have not seen each other
in over a week.

We'll probably be the first ones there.

Okay. See you there. Happy humping.

Hey. Well, hey.

Oh. Wow, somebody smoked out here?

My God, don't people know you're
not allowed to smoke in public spaces?

Actually, in Oklahoma, smoking is legal
in offices with fewer than 15 people.

Oh, you smoked.

No. I just happen to know a lot of trivia
about smoking in different states.

For example, in Hawaii,
cigarettes are called lei-lana-lukus.

- Oh, Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
- Do you think Monica is gonna smell it?

Are you kidding? That woman
has the nose of a bloodhound.

And the breasts of a Greek goddess.

Pheebs?

I'm gonna go.

Okay. Something to cover the smell.

Oven cleaner.

Unscented.

Welcome home.

I've missed you.

- You wanna join me in the bedroom?
- No, thanks, I'm good.

Oh, okay. So you want to play it
that way, do you?

Well, uh, you know what?
Actually, I just got off a plane...

so I'm feeling gross.
Maybe I should take a shower.

- Come here, you don't need a shower.
- All right, the truth is...

I soiled myself
during some turbulence.

What do I smell? I smell smoke.

Did you smoke?

Yes. But I just had one.

Two.

Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five.

A pack. Two pack... A carton.

Three big fat cartons in two days.

But it's over. I've made a decision,
I'm not gonna smoke anymore.

Well, those are for you.

All right. Well, we'll just, uh,
see you when you get here. Bye.

Oh, that was my mom.
She's stuck in terrible traffic.

Okay, well, that is now the third sign
that I should not leave Emma.

- What are the other two?
- Well, the first one is, I don't want to.

And second one, I'm not going.

I know this is the first time
we're leaving the baby.

Hey, I know how hard it is for you. But...

But everything's gonna be fine.
I mean, my mom is gonna be with her.

- She's great with kids.
- She is?

Yeah.

What about Monica?

Hey, you only hear Monica's side of that.
Okay, that little fatso was a terror.

- I just don't think I can do it.
- You know what? You can and you should.

Really, it'll be good for you.

In fact, you know what?

Why don't you go ahead to the restaurant,
and I will wait for my mom...

and then I'll meet you there?
No, no, really, you should go. Go out.

Really, the world is your oyster.
Kick up your heels. Paint the town red.

- You need to learn some new slang.
- I'm serious. Come on, you should go.

Here. No, just go.

- Well... Oh!
- No, no. You know what?

You're not getting back in there.
The baby's fine. Now, scram.

Yeah, tell your story walking.

I was just going to say
that I left my keys.

Oh.

Holy moley, are we in a pickle now.

Where is everyone?
They're 40 minutes late.

- I know.
- I'm starving.

I knew we were coming here tonight.
I ate nothing all day.

What about me?
I only had one lunch today.

So are we expecting
the rest of our party shortly?

Yes, they are expected presently.
Yeah.

Their, um... Their arrival is in the offing.

Right. We do have
a table for two available.

- Perhaps you'd be...
- No, they're coming.

We're waiting right here.

Joseph.

One needn't worry. They shan't be long.

It's just that we do have
some large parties waiting.

Oh, one really does have a stick
up one's ass, doesn't one?

How can you smoke in this day and age?
Have you not seen that ad? Huh?

Where the little kid walks
through Grandpa? It's chilling.

I messed up. It was a meeting.
Everybody was smoking.

So what? Don't you have any willpower?

Willpower? I've watched home movies
of you eating Ding Dongs...

without taking the tinfoil off.

You said that was sexy.

Okay, look, can we just drop this?
I'm not gonna smoke again.

That's right, because I forbid you
to smoke again.

- You forbid me?
- Mm-hm.

You know, I've flown a long way
to see my loving wife.

Is she here, by the way?

Chandler, don't joke with me. Okay?
I'm very, very upset right now.

Oh. Would you say this is the most upset
you could be?

I think so.

Well, then I might as well...

do this.

Not really sure what to do now.

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're already late
for Phoebe's birthday dinner.

So you're going to put out
that cigarette...

we're gonna put this fight on hold,
and go have sex.

Fine. What?

Sex. This is the last day I'm ovulating.
If we don't do it...

we're gonna have to wait
until next month.

You're serious?

- Oh, yeah.
- All right, fine, I'll do it, but no talking.

- And no cuddling.
- And no kissing your neck.

Oh, good. I hate it when you do that.

And lots of kissing your neck.

Okay, well, the super's not home.

But my mother's gonna be here,
and she has the key.

I can't wait that long. You have to do
something. Knock that door down.

I would, but I bruise like a peach.

Besides, you know, everything's
gonna be fine. The baby's sleeping.

- What if she jumps out of the bassinet?
- Can't hold her own head up.

But, yeah, jumped.

Oh, my God.
I left the water running.

You did not leave the water running.
Please, pull yourself together, okay?

- Well, did I leave the stove on?
- You haven't cooked since 1996.

Is the window open? If the window's
open a bird could fly in and...

Oh, my God, you know what?
I think you're right.

- Listen.
- What? What?

A pigeon. No. No, wait, no.
An eagle flew in.

Landed on the stove and caught fire.

The baby, seeing this, jumps across
the apartment to the mighty bird's aid.

The eagle, however, misconstrues this
as an act of aggression...

and grabs the baby in its talon.

Meanwhile, the faucet
fills the apartment with water.

Baby and bird, still ablaze,
are locked in a death grip...

swirling around the whirlpool
that fills the apartment.

Boy, are you gonna be sorry
if that's true.

- Hello.
Hi.

It's been an hour.

The maitre d' asked if you'd reconsider
switching to a smaller table.

Maybe we should just eat now.

You can't order until the entire
party's arrived. Restaurant policy.

Well, how about this?
Another table leaves, right...

but there's still some food left
on their plates.

Okay, what's the restaurant's policy
about people eating that?

- It's frowned upon.
- But it happens.

- All right, I gotta go to the bathroom.
- No, you can't go.

No, no, no.
I can't hold this table on my own.

If they ask me to move, I'll cave.

Well, if you ask me to stay, I'll pee.

Good evening, miss.

Miss?

Miss? Miss?

Okay, fine, I'll move. All right.
You don't have to manhandle me.

Where? Okay.

Thank you.

Wow.

Finally, you guys made it.

Pheebs, who the hell...? Ah!

Spend more time with the tie.
That'll make a baby.

Look, I can't do this. I can't make love
to you while we're fighting this way.

Oh, sure. Now you're Mr. Sensitivity.

But when you wanted to have sex
right after my uncle's funeral...

That was a celebration of life.

All right, look, I'm not gonna do this.

Is this the way you want our baby
to be conceived?

No, you're right.

Yeah, we shouldn't do it like this.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have come down on you
so hard about the smoking.

So you had a few cigarettes.
It's not the end of the world.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You are incredible.

And listen,
I'm not gonna smoke again.

And if I do, I promise
I will hide it so much better from you.

- Do you want to?
- Yeah, let's celebrate life.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Oh, thank God you're okay.

I'm sorry we left you.
Mommy will never leave you again.

Never, ever, ever again.

Great. So let's get going.

Oh, no. I mean it. After what just happened,
I'm never leaving her again.

I understand. Separation is hard.

One time I was about to leave Ross
to go to the beauty parlor.

And he got so upset
he took off all his clothes...

tucked his willy between his legs...

and cried out,
"Mommy, I'm a girl. Take me with you."

Somehow, over time,
it got easier to be apart from you.

Ah.

You are welcome.

- You know what? Let's not talk.
- What?

- I am still so mad at you for smoking.
- But you said you forgave me.

It was just a couple of cigarettes,
no big deal.

Oh, blah-blah-blah-blah.

I was ovulating and you said you wouldn't
have sex with me if we were fighting.

- You tricked me to get me into bed?
- That's right. I got mine.

I feel so used.

Well, I guess they're not coming.
You want to just order?

Thank you.

Waiter? All right, this is gonna
go fast, so try to keep up.

Risotto with shaved truffles
and the rib steak...

with the golden chanterelles
and the Bordelaise sauce...

unless any of that stuff I just said
means "snails."

- It does not.
- Tomato tart...

and, um, which of the pastas
would you recommend?

- Oh, well, they're both exquis...
- Both it is. Thank you.

Oh, uh, can I make a special request?

Can you bring everything
as soon as it's ready?

Appetizers, entrées, we don't care.

Hey.
Hi. Hi.

- I'll just wait to put your order in.
- You guys are over an hour late.

- What happened to you two?
So sorry.

- We got locked out of the apartment.
- That's a great story. Can I eat it?

And then Rachel wasn't sure
she could leave the baby.

It wasn't easy, but it's your birthday
and I did what I had to do.

And that's Judy over there at the bar
with Emma?

This is for the best. I'm not distracted,
worrying about Emma...

how she's doing at home, and I'm
gonna be completely here with you.

- Oh, she spit up.
- What?

She spit up. Judy? She spit...
Judy, look alive, Judy.

Thank you.
- Thanks.

Ooh.
- Whew, everything looks delicious.

What should I have?
What should I have?

Never hit a woman.
Never hit a woman.

I know what you mean,
this looks incredible.

Ross bruises like a peach.
He bruises like a peach.

Okay, I'll have the fig salad
and the duck.

I'll have the, uh, soup and the salmon.

Remember, whatever comes up first,
okay?

- And hurry...
- Happy birthday.

Son of a bitch.

- Where have you been?
- Well, we had a little fight.

I would never lie
to get someone into bed.

You used to tell girls
you were a Kennedy.

Thanks.

Thanks. Wow.

A little tight, isn't it?
Why didn't you get a bigger table?

You had a big table
but they made you move.

Ha, ha. Shut up, Monica.

Oh, well, I suppose that Chandler
will have the smoked duck.

And I suppose that Monica
will have the manipulative shrew.

- I'll give you another minute.
- What, where you going?

He said she wanted the shrew.

Rach, come on, Emma's fine.

You're turning into an obsessive mother,
okay? You need to stop.

You guys ever hear the story about
when Ross' mom went to the beauty salon?

- You mean the willy story?
- Ha, ha. They already know it.

We've been waiting for you
for a long time.

- Maybe you should order.
- That's okay.

- I told the waiter what they want.
- Why would you do that?

Chandler, control your woman.

Okay, well...
Everybody has ordered.

I would like to start the celebration
and make a toast to Phoebe.

- She dropped her sock.
- Aw. What?

- No. No, Emma dropped her sock.
Mom's here?

I wanted to have lunch with her today.
She told me she was out of town.

Ross, she still has not noticed
that the baby's sock is on the ground.

It's a good toast.

Look, will you please get her attention?

Mommy?

Oh, for God's sake, Judy,
pick up the sock.

Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!

I'm sorry, was that rude?

Did my little outburst...

blunt the hideousness
that is this evening?

Look, I know you all
have a lot going on...

but all I wanted to do was have dinner
with my friends on my birthday.

And you are all so late, and you
didn't even have the courtesy to call.

Well, it's too late now.

Yeah, Pheebs, I don't think that's us.

Oh, well, this is... This is not over.
Hello?

- What is going on with you two?
- Well, you see, I'm ovulating.

Oh, yeah, that's what she says.

But maybe you're not ovulating at all.
Maybe it's a clever ruse to get me into bed.

Yeah, Smokey, that's what it was.
I just can't get enough.

You're not gonna believe this. She lied.

She tricked me into having sex with her.

So? You got to have sex, right?

What's the matter with me?
Why am I such a girl?

- Okay. That was Mike.
- Oh, Phoebe, honey, we are so sorry.

You are totally right.
We are here 100 percent...

and we love you, and we are ready
to start your birthday celebration.

Oh. You guys,
that means the world to me.

Okay, I'm gonna take off.

What?

Oh, I love you guys too,
but Mike got off work early.

Wait.

Wait. I'm not the... I'm not the kind of girl
that just ditches her friends...

to be with her boyfriend.

You know what? I am.

Bye, guys. Judy. Bye.

Oh, thank God. If Phoebe's gone,
can we take Emma home?

That's a good idea. Our babysitter
just pounded another chardonnay.

- Bye, you guys.
Bye.

See you. Well, I guess it's just us.

So I'm probably still ovulating.
Do you wanna give it another try?

So you've never had sex
with a Kennedy, have you?

- You're gonna go do it?
- We don't have much time.

Once the egg descends into the
fallopian tube...

Whoa, whoa, get out of here.

I sincerely hope the rest of your party
is returning.

No, just me. All alone.

Dinner for six for one.

Well, you boys are about
to see something really special.

- How was everything, sir?
- Excellent.

The shrew, in particular, was exquisite.

Well, I hope you've got some room left.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear

Joey. Joey.

Joey

Happy birthday to you

This is the best birthday ever.