Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 6 - The One with the Male Nanny - full transcript

Looking for a new nanny, Ross and Rachel hire a male nanny named Sandy. Monica tells Chandler that a guy at work is the funniest guy she has ever met.



I love my new job!

- Honey, you're screaming.
- You bet your ass I am.

I just had the best first day ever.

The kitchen?
Twice as big as Allessandro's.

- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.

And clean? Not just Health
Department-clean, Monica-clean.


Oh, and the people are so nice.

There's this one guy, Jeffrey,
he's the maître d'.

Chandler, you will love him.

He is without a doubt
the funniest guy I have ever met.

- This is nice.
- I know.

- You need both hands for that?
- Yeah, I kind of do.

Well, how's this?

Oh, look at you two holding hands.

Is this getting serious?

Well, I, you know...

Have you not talked about it yet?

Am I making you uncomfortable?

If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh?

I'm sorry, heh.

It's obviously way too early
for us to be having that conversation.

- Is it?
- Maybe not. Is it?

Okay, when I got divorced...

I didn't think I'd feel this way about
someone for a really long time.

Then again, I didn't think I'd meet
someone like you.

And this may be crazy-soon,
but I want you to have this.

- No, not... That's gum.
- Oh.

Oh, five bucks.
I love it when that happens, you know?

- You don't know it's there...
- I know. Keep digging.

Oh, sorry.

Oh. It's a key.

To be honest, I think I'd prefer
the five dollars.

- It's to my apartment.
- Oh, wow.

Ooh. Big step for Phoebe and Mike.

Look, I don't want you to feel like
you have to give me your key...

- No, I want to.
- Oh, thank God.


Wow. I was starting to think
I'd never meet someone that...

you know, I wanted to do this with.

Here you go.

- This is cool, huh?
- It really is.

Oh, I know it. It is amazing.
These little things open doors.

So I don't go back to work
for another four weeks...

but we would like our nanny
to start right away...

so that Emma could get
a chance to know her.

I think that's really smart.

The easier we can make
the transition for her the better.

That's great. Great.

- So do you have any questions for us?
- Not really.

All right. Well, thank you
so much for coming.

- Thank you.
- It was really nice to meet you.

- We will call you.
- Oh, you know, wait.

- I do have one question.
- Yeah.

Do you guys do random drug testing?

Boy, we, uh,
hadn't really thought of that.

That's cool. But if you do,
I'm gonna need three days' notice.


Wow. We're never gonna find a nanny.

Come on, Rach. We will. I promise.
We have more interviews.

And worse comes to worst, we can always
reconsider the, uh, first one we met with.

- What, the blond with no bra?
- She was blond?

Just a sec.

- Okay, this one's name is Sandy.
- Okay.

She's got a degree in
Early Childhood Education.

Uh, she worked for her last family
for three years.


Hi. I'm Sandy.

And she's a little mannish.

- Ah! Oh, my God. David.
- Hi.

- Uh, is this a bad time?
- No, it's a great time. Come in.

Wow. Hi.

Oh, my gosh. What are you doing here?
Are you back from Minsk?

Well, just for a couple of days.

I'm here to explain to the people
who gave us our grant...

why it's a positive thing that
we've spent all their money...

and, uh, accomplished, uh, nothing.

Who cares? It got you here.

Well, it got me to New York anyway.
Then I got in a cab at the airport...

and the guy said, "Where to?"

I just gave him your address.
I didn't even think about it.

Wow. Where's your luggage?

Damn it.

All right, I'll call the cab company.

We can call them later.
Can you just stand there for a moment?


There's an old Russian expression, um,
that goes:

Roughly translated, that means, um:

"This thing that I'm looking at: Wow."

Thank you.

Uh, no, you should see me when...
Actually, no, I look pretty good.

Are you kidding?

You know, when you don't see
someone for a long time...

and you kind of build them up
in your head, you start thinking:

"Come on, don't be crazy,
nobody's that beautiful."

But, well, you are.

Well, so, um, are you seeing anyone?


I'm just the worst person ever.

How can I not tell David
that I'm seeing Mike?

Maybe he didn't give you a chance.

He said, "Are you seeing someone?"
And I said, "No."

- Oh, well, that would've been your window.
- Yeah.

I mean, I don't know.
I was looking in his eyes...

and I was just thinking,
"Oh, my God, it's David. David's here."

He's just so irresistible.

- Really? The scientist guy?
- Really? Chandler?


Okay, then it gets worse...

because I told him
I would see him tomorrow night.

- Phoebe.
- I know. Evil.

And, and, and, and...

I like Mike so much, you know?
It's just going really well. Oh, my God.

Wow, isn't it ironic that David
would show up...

on the same day that
you and Mike exchange keys?


Yeah. You know, and given
my lifelong search for irony...

you can imagine how happy I am.

- What are you gonna do?
- I mean, I guess I just have to...

tell David that nothing
can happen between us.

Unless I don't.

You know, complicated moral situation?

- No right, no wrong?
- You have to tell David.

I knew I should've had this conversation
with Joey.

Funniest guy she's ever met.

I'm funny, right?

What do you know? You're a door.

You just like knock-knock jokes.

Save it for inside.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So Oklahoma's a crazy place. You know,
they call it the Sooner State.

Frankly, I'd sooner be in any other state.

And what's with Oklahoma
having a panhandle?

Can all states have stuff like that?

Hey, yeah, I'm from the, uh,
waistband of Wyoming.

But when I was 7,
we headed over to the crotch.

Was your cabin pressurized?

And don't get me started on the way
the people from Tulsa talk.


What's with the word "y'all"? You know,
just two words just pushed together?

Are we all allowed to do that?
Because if so, I say why stop there?

You know, your new poodle
could be your noodle.

And fried chicken could be fricken.

Waiter? Waiter, excuse me,
I'll have the fricken.

See, that's funny with the fricken, right?

No, it just reminds me of something
this guy did today at work.

I told you about that funny guy, Jeffrey,

Yeah, he came up.

Well, he did this bit.
You probably had to be there...

but it was Liza Minnelli locked
in our freezer eating a raw chicken.

Oh, ha, ha.

- Were you there?
- No, but it sounds fricken funny.

I really understand how hard it's gotta be
to leave your child with another person.

I mean, it's like leaving behind
a piece of your heart.

Sandy, that's exactly what it is.

- Are you gay?
- Ross.

It's okay. I get that a
lot doing what I do.

- But I am straight. I'm engaged, actually.
- Oh.

- Her name's Delia.
- That's pretty.

So you're just, like,
a guy who's a nanny.

I realize how it's a bit unorthodox
for some people.

But I really believe the most satisfying
thing you can do with your life...

is take care of a child.


Like at my last job.

I met Daniel when he was
3 weeks old.

And I got to watch him grow
into this awesome person.

When I left, I said, "I'll see you soon."

And he said to me, "Skadandy?"

- That was his name for me.
- Oh, ha, ha.

"I'll see you every day right in..."

- It's okay.
- Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap.

Oh, God, she must need
her diaper changed.

- I can take care of that, if you want.
- Oh, that would be great.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

Oh, come on. Rach, he's a guy.

So what? He's smart. He's qualified.

Give me one good reason
we shouldn't try him out.

Because it's weird.


What kind of a job is that for a man?
A nanny?

I mean, it's like if a woman
wanted to be...



I, uh, hope you don't mind. I used
some of my homemade lotion on Emma.

It's a mixture of calendula and
honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up.

Plus, it keeps the hands young.

Yes. Sandy, you're hired.

That's great.

I'm sorry.

It's just such an emotional thing
when you're welcomed into a new family.

Oh, God. Come here.

You gotta be at least bi.


I need you to set me up for a joke.

When Monica's around,
ask me about fire trucks.

Ooh, I don't know, Chandler.
I'm not so good with remembering lines.

Well, thank God your livelihood
doesn't depend on it.

I know, right?

Why are we doing this?

Monica says that her maître d'
is the funniest guy she's ever met.

- Seriously? She actually said that?
- Yes. Am I crazy to be this upset?

- No. Being funny's your thing.
- Yeah.

Without that, you just got
"lame with women."

Hi. There you are.

Fire trucks.

Wow. You look even more beautiful
than you did yesterday.

- Ooh.
- In fact, I'm going to kiss you now.

- Oh, wait, wait. -Yeah, I can't
get away with stuff like that.

It sounded sexy in my head, so I...

No, no, it's not that.

Remember when you asked me
if I was seeing someone and I said no?

- Well, um, I am. His name's Mike.
- Oh. Oh.

- I should've told you.
- No.

- Well, yeah.
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Well, it's okay. I understand.

Well, are you happy with this guy?

- I am happy.
- Damn it.

I'm sorry. I don't mean that.
I want you to be happy.

But only with me. No, that's not fair.
Who cares. Leave him.

I don't mean that. Yes, I do.
I'm sorry. Um...

- I think I should probably, uh, go.
- Well...

But, David, I just want you to know that,
you know...

telling you this is one of the
hardest things I've ever had to do.

Well, just so you know...

hearing it wasn't exactly
a Vladnik carnival, either.

- Can we at least hug goodbye?
- Of course. Yeah.

You know, and a kiss on the cheek
wouldn't be totally inappropriate.

- No. No.
- I mean...

- In Minsk?
- Yeah?

- It's, um, two on each cheek...
- Mm-hm.

And, uh, one on the lips.
- Well, if that's what they do in Minsk...

In New York, it's...

Oh, boy.


Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah. No, it's fine. It's fine.

Sandy was just telling me about how he
proposed to his fiancée...

and it was so beautiful.

Well, her favorite flower is the camellia.
From the poem...

I can't hear it again.

You know, I can't tell it again.

And I'm fine never having heard it.

- Rach, can I see you for a sec?
- Yeah. Excuse me.

Do you realize that man has cried
in our apartment three times? Huh?

I haven't cried that many times
since I moved in.

Look, Ross, Sandy's just sensitive.
That's all.

Okay, okay. See, that is the problem.
He is too sensitive.

Too sensitive to take care of our baby?

No, I mean, all I'm saying is that guy...
These are amazing.

Sandy made madeleines.

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

What kind of a guy makes delicate
French cookies? Huh?

They're not even butch,
manly cookies with...

You know, with chunks.

Well, you know,
I don't know what to say.

I mean, I never thought of you as a guy
who needed his men to be men.

I gotta tell you, Ross, it's not like you
just came in from branding cattle.

Hey, there's sensitive
and there's too sensitive.

Okay, what is too sensitive?

No, I can't. I can't do this. It's bad.

- But it's nice. And nice is good.
- Mm-hm.

And good is not bad.
Ergo, we should keep kissing.

- No, no. No.
- But...


Look, David, if you had never left, then...

yeah, we'd probably still be together
right now.

But you did leave. And I'm with Mike,
and I really care about him.

Well, um, goodbye. Uh...

Well, the key works.

And, you, thanks for the face massage.
Thank you.

Did Rachel tell you we hired
a male nanny?

- Yeah. I think that's great.
- Oh, really?

Did she tell you he plays the recorder,
recites poetry and bakes madeleines?

- Oh. How are they? -Lighter than air,
but that's not the point.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Rachel and I hired a male nanny.


Guys do that?

- That's weird.
- Thank you.

- That's like a woman wanting to be a...
- What?

- What's the end of that sentence?
- Yes. What is the end of that sentence?


A penis model.

Anyway, hey, did you tell Chandler
that some guy from work...

is the funniest guy you ever met?

- Yeah. So?
- Wow.

Really? Do you not know Chandler?

Is that why he's acting so weird?
He's jealous?

Oh, my God, that is crazy.

- It's not like I'm attracted to Jeffrey.
- So what?

Being funny is Chandler's thing.
You know, like Ross' thing is...


- Academia? Being a good father?
- No.

- I can't believe he's that upset about this.
- You have to do some damage control.

Because he's feeling like...

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey.

- What are you guys talking about?
- Uh, ahem.

Rachel and I, uh, hired a male nanny.

You got a man who's a nanny?

You got a "manny"?

You know, I don't mind a male nanny...

but I do draw the line
at male wet nurse.

Oh! Oh! You are on a roll, mister.

If I'd known you guys were coming over,
I would've brought more pizza.

Okay. Okay. Stop it, you.
You stop it.

What is so funny about that?

I don't know, it's...
Well, just the way you say it.

I mean, you're funny. You have
that funny thing. You're a funny guy.

Did you tell her what we talked about?


So those were pity laughs?
Pity laughs?

Honey, listen.

You have nothing to worry about
with Jeffrey.

Oh, yeah? Is he funnier than me?

Well, you're different funny.

I mean, you're more sarcastic.

And, well, he does bits and impressions
and limericks.

I do limericks.

Uh, there once was a man named Chandler
whose wife made him die inside.

Honey, you know I think you're hilarious.

You know that joke
you told me last week?

The one about Jerry Lewis
and the girl with the lazy eye?

That slayed me.

Hey. I made up that joke
and told it to you.

- Not knowing when to shut up.
- Yep, that's my thing.


So how many guys have your key?

No, no, no. It's not as bad as it looks.

I was saying goodbye to an old friend.

Your lipstick's on his mouth.

Oh, uh, we just, uh,
happen to wear the same shade.

No, um, David and I did used to go out.

But years ago. And he lives in Minsk.
He's only in town for a couple days.

- Did you, uh...?
- No. No.

- Kiss him?
- Oh, well, yeah.

Yes, but you should know,
she really likes you.

In fact, I don't think you realize
just how lucky you are, fella.

- Don't point your finger at me.
- Why?

What are you gonna do about it?

Well, I'll show you
what I'm gonna do about it.

- Oh, really? Really?
- You want some of that? Huh? Huh?

Stop it. Stop it.
Before someone gets really hurt.

Here, David, you should just go.

All right.

But if I ever do come back from Minsk,
well, you just better watch out.

- If I go to Minsk, you better watch out.
- Oh, you're going to Minsk?

- Well, I might.
- Really?

Well, if you do, come in the spring.
It's just lovely there.

- Okay, well, guys?
- Well...

- Goodbye, Phoebe.
- Bye.

- Hey, what, are you kidding me?
- Right-o. Right-o.

Take good care of her.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

If you want your key back,
I totally understand.

- It's never gonna happen again, right?
- Right. Never. I swear.

I... Oh, I just want to say, if you do ever
come to Minsk, that's my number.

We'll, uh, party up Vladnik-style.

Yeah. All right.

Hey, Ross. Check it out.
Sandy taught me "Hot Cross Buns."

Really? Sounded like "Three Blind Mice."

- No, "Three Blind Mice" goes like this.
- I swear to God.

- Who's up for puppets?
- Me. I'm up for puppets.

Well, please welcome:

The Snufflebumps.

Who wants to be Mr. Wigglemunch
and who's gonna be the Grumpus?

Okay, okay, how exactly is a 2-month-old
supposed to appreciate puppets?

Studies show that the movement and
colors help their cerebral development.

The whimsical characters are just for us.

I want to be Mr. Wigglemunch.

Oh, my God.

Well, I guess we know
who's gonna be the Grumpus.

- That was kind of rude.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Please apologize to Sandy
and the Snufflebumps for me.

- You know, he was just doing his job.
- You know what?

I'm sorry I'm the only one who isn't
in love with Gary Poppins out there.

But I just... I can't go through with this.

- Come on.
- No. You know what?

I would never force you to hire someone
you were this uncomfortable with.

Ugh, that's true.

Thank you.

You want to fire him,
so you're gonna have to go do it.

So you see, Wigglemunch,
that's why it's important to share.

I am learning so much from you.

Well, I'm off to Tulsa.

So if your maître d' friend
has any funny Oklahoma jokes...

tell him to e-mail me at

Honey, you can relax.

Last night at work
Jeffrey told this really sexist joke.

- After that, not so funny anymore.
- Really?

See, that's the thing.
You gotta keep it smart, people.

Okay. Don't miss that flight.
You know I love you.

I love you too.

- And I like you as a friend.
- Right.

- See you later.
- See you.

- Did the guy really make that joke?
- No, he still kills me.

Last night he had me laughing so hard,
I swear, a little pee came out.

Here goes.

I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo.

Sandy? Hi.

- Hi.
- We, uh...

We kind of need to talk.

I'm afraid it's not working out.

- Oh.
- Yeah, um...

I mean, Rachel and I think
you are great with Emma. Um...

- We just feel...
- You. You feel.

I just feel...

that the chemistry isn't right.
I'm sorry.

We're more than happy to give you
a good recommendation.

No, that's okay. I had a lot of offers
from other families.

I just picked you guys because...

I liked you the best.
- Oh, damn you, Geller.

Anyway, uh, well, I'm glad
there's no hard feelings.

No, none at all. You need to be happy
with whoever is in your home.

Although, if you don't mind telling me...

what was the problem? Maybe it's
something I can work on in the future.

No, you know, it's, uh, nothing you did.
It's... It's, uh, my issue.

What is it?

Uh, heh...


You know, I'm just not, um,
that comfortable...

with a guy who's as sensitive as you.

That's fair.

Although, can I ask,
why do you think that is?

Why? I don't know.

Um... Uh...

Maybe because of my father?


I mean, uh, you know, when I was
growing up, he was a tough guy.

You know, and as a kid,
I wasn't the athlete I am now.

I play squash.

Anyway, I, uh... I always got the feeling
he thought I was too sensitive.

That must have been hard.

It was hard.

I remember I was in my bedroom,
playing with my dinosaurs...

Playing and learning.

And my father walks in and says,
"What are you doing with those things?

What's wrong with you? Why aren't you
outside playing like a real boy?"

- But you are a real boy.
- I know I am.

And when it's summer and it's hot,
why can't you wear a tank top?

It's all right. Crying is good.
It lets the boo-hoos out.

Here comes some more.

And what's the one kind of boat
that can never ever sink?

- What kind?
- A friend ship.

Wow. You blow my mind.

- Oh, I gotta go.
- Aw.

- How much do I owe you?
- Twenty bucks.

It's like the cheapest college ever.

[English - US - SDH]