Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 4 - The One with the Sharks - full transcript

Oh. Hey, Ross.

I'm so glad someone's here.
Could you zip me up?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Can you believe no one
between my apartment and here...

offered to do that for me?

People.

So why are you so dressed up?

Oh, Mike's picking me up for a date.

Oh, yeah? Now, how's that going?
Is it getting serious?

I don't know. I don't know.
I mean, you know, I like him.

But, you know, am I ready to take
my Grade A loins off the meat market?



I'm not quite sure.

You know, I really admire
your whole dating attitude.

It's so healthy. I'm always like,
"Is this moving too fast?

Is this moving too slow?
Where's this going?"

Yeah, I know.
You are a bit of a drama queen.

You're so much better off, you know?
You just go from guy to guy having fun...

and not worrying that it
never turns into anything serious.

I wouldn't say "never."

You know, there is that guy.

Okay, well, what about?

Okay, well, there has gotta be someone.

- There isn't! That's what I'm saying.
- Oh, my God, you're right!

I know. And yet, here you are,
all ready for the next date.

I can't believe
I never realized this before.



I'm in my 30s, and I've never been
in a long-term relationship.

Oh, my God, what's wrong with me?

No, no, no.

Um, there's nothing wrong with you.

I mean, you don't strike me as the type
of person that wants to get married anyway.

I want to get married!

No, please...
Please don't cry because of me.

Pheebs,
I don't know what I'm talking about, okay?

I've been divorced three times.

Well, at least you've been married.

Oh, my God.
I want to trade lives with Ross?

Phoebe.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing. I'm excited about our date.

Mike, this is Ross Geller.
Ross, this is Mike...

- Sorry, I didn't catch that.
- Mike Hannigan.

- Oh, Ross Geller.
- Hey.

- Uh, so are you sure you're ready to go?
- Uh-huh.

How do I look?

- Do you have a compact in your purse?
- No.

You look great.

- Hey, Joey.
- This girl won't turn around.

I can't tell whether she's hot or not.
What do you think?

Joey, I am not going
to objectify women with you.

But if her face is as nice as her ass...

- Whoo, Mama.
- All right. Thanks.

- Hey, have you talked to Chandler?
- He has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.

- How come?
- I don't know. He has to work.

There's some big rush on the...

Uh...

One of these days,
I'm gonna have to start listening...

when he talks about his job.

Hey, why don't you fly out there
and surprise him?

Maybe I will go.

Yeah. We'll have a little second
honeymoon at the Tulsa Ramada.

Oh, and you know what
you should bring?

Your black see-through teddy
with the attached garters.

- How do you know I have one of those?
- Didn't until just now.

Ugh. Hot. Not hot.

Hot!

Excuse me?

Uh, I said that I think you're hot.

And, uh, now I'm embarrassed. Heh.

Oh, I thought you said "hi."

That would've been better.

I'll try that. Hi, I'm Joey.

I'm Hayley.

Oh. Look, I don't normally ask out women
that I meet in coffeehouses.

Ha!

Gesundheit.

- But...
- I would love to go out with you.

Really? Great.

Did I...? Did I actually ask you?

Oh, um, that's just where you were going.
I figured I'd help you out.

You don't seem like the kind of guy
who does this a lot?

Ha!

Seriously, Gunther. You should
see someone about that cold.

If it gets much worse, you could die.

- So how'd the date go?
- Well, it was awful.

Every time I thought about
what you said, I started crying.

- So he hasn't called?
- Would you call this girl:

"Thanks for a lovely evening"?

Now I feel terrible. This is all my fault.

You know what
you should feel terrible about?

This could have been my serious guy.

He was sweet and smart and funny.

Do you know how hard it is
to meet a guy like that?

We are a rare breed.

What a great dinner.

Yeah, and hey, thanks again...

for letting me have that last piece of cake
at the restaurant.

Ha, ha. You're welcome again.
I'm gonna go make some coffee.

- Can I get you anything?
- Uh, do you have any cake?

So this is going pretty good.

Dinner was nice.
We've got a lot in common.

Ooh, Victoria's Secret. Huh.

We even like the same books.

Ooh. There's a scary painting.

Wait a minute.

I think I've been scared
by that painting before.

You know what?
This whole place looks familiar.

I have definitely been in this apartment.

I know I've seen
this weird plant before.

Ow! It did that the last time!

Oh, my God.
I've gone out with this girl before.

Yeah! We had sex on this couch!

And then on that chair, and... No.

No, we didn't do it here...

which is weird, because it seems
like a perfectly good place.

Ow. That's why.

Hey, Mike. Uh, sorry to just drop by
like this. Can I come in?

Sure.

Who are you?

I'm Ross. Phoebe's friend
from the coffeehouse?

Right, yeah.

I really, really need to talk
to you about something.

Okay. Unless...

You're not gonna try
and get me to join a cult, are you?

- No.
- Oh...

No, it's just, you know,
you have that look.

Damn Supercuts.

- Well, what's up? Is Phoebe okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. No.

Oh, Phoebe is great. But, um...

I'm an idiot, okay?

Look, right before you guys went out,
I accidentally got her all upset.

Oh. That's why she was weird.

Yes, yeah. I said something stupid...

about her never having
had a serious relationship.

But you should know, she is
so much fun. A wonderful person.

- Please, don't blow her off.
- I'm not gonna blow her off.

I actually just got off the phone with her.
We're going out tomorrow night.

I mean, I hope that's okay with you,
stranger from the coffeehouse.

Well, then, I didn't need to bother you.

Um, you or the four other
Mike Hannigans I bothered.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Is that true what you said?

Phoebe's never had
a serious relationship?

Of course she has.

If she's never had
a serious relationship...

do you think I'd go
around broadcasting it...

like some kind of unstoppable moron?

- But you did say it.
- Yes. Yes, I did.

And I will also say...

what I'm about to say...

vis-à-vis...

the following.

Phoebe has never had
a serious relationship...

since...

her super-serious relationship...

with...

Vikram.

- Vikram?
- What? That's a real name.

Oklahoma, where the wind comes

sweeping down the plain

Stop it.

Why couldn't they have
sent me to Texas?

Seven o'clock.

Maybe I'll hit the gym.

Ah, who am I kidding?
Pay-per-view porn.

- Do not disturb! Do not disturb!
- Surprise!

- Monica?
- Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's great. I was just, uh...

watching some
regular television there.

What a pleasant surprise.

- I'm gonna go freshen up, okay?
- Okay, honey.

Ooh. That was close.

- Hello.
Rach, it's me.

Okay, I just got to Chandler's room,
and I caught him...

molesting himself.

Ugh. That couldn't have been pretty.

But you know, guys do that.

Uh, well, the weird part is...

he was getting off
to a shark-attack show.

- No!
- Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!

- While watching sharks?
- Yeah.

Are you sure that's what he was doing?

Do you know how many times
I've seen him jump up like that?

Believe me, I know what he was doing.

Man. Sharks.

I always knew there was something weird
about that dude.

You promised to love him
no matter what.

"What" means, like, if he gets a disease
or kills someone.

- Not if he gets his jollies to Jaws.
- Oh.

You know what, honey?
Guys are just different.

They like things
that we can't understand.

You know, I once dated this guy
who wanted to pretend...

that he was an archeologist,
and that I was this...

naughty cavewoman
who he unfroze from a block of ice.

Ew, are you talking about my brother?

Yeah, I didn't disguise that very well, did I?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Listen to this.
I went out with this girl last night.

Halfway through our date I realized...

I already slept with her.

You've slept with all the women
in New York...

and now you're going around again?

That's not even the weird part.

I don't think she remembered
sleeping with me!

But you don't remember
sleeping with her.

Yeah, but she should remember sleeping
with me. I am very memorable!

- You guys know.
- How do we know?

- We've never slept with you.
- And whose fault is that?

What's the big deal?
You forgot, she forgot.

- Maybe you were having an off night.
- Hey!

I never have an off night. Okay?

Although, sometimes if I'm a little bloated,
I don't feel that sexy.

But even then, I'm better than most.

Honey, why don't you just let it go
and ask her out again?

Yeah, you're both so slutty,
you don't remember who you slept with.

You're made for each other.

Interesting. Yeah.

All right, well, I'll go out with her again
and I'll try to get past it.

No salt! Bloaty!

- Joey?
- What?

You don't think sharks are sexy, do you?

No.

Wait a minute.
Wait, what was the Little Mermaid?

It's open!

- Hey.
- Hey. Mike called! We're going out again!

- Yay! Yay!
- Yay.

- Quick thing. I went to talk to Mike.
- Yeah.

What?

What did you...? What did you do, Ross?

Oh, boy. You got mad at that part.

I went over there, you know,
to tell him how...

How great you are. Ahem, but...

Well, you know me. Blah, blah, blah.

- And I ended up telling him, um, that...
- What?

Um, you had a six-year-long
relationship...

with a guy named Vikram.

What? Why?

Well, he seemed...

to bum hard when I told him you'd
never been in a serious relationship.

If you hadn't just had a baby
with my best friend...

I swear to Lucifer...

a rabid dog would be feasting
on your danglers right now.

Phoebe, I think you'll feel differently
when you know...

a little bit about Vikram.

Okay, he's, um...

He's a kite designer.

And he used to date Oprah.

I'm not going along
with some lie you made up, Ross.

- I'm just gonna be honest with him.
- Good.

Yeah, just be honest with him.

- Yeah, I have nothing to be ashamed of.
- No.

Okay, so, all right,
I haven't been in a relationship...

that lasted longer than a month.

Okay? I haven't had a real boyfriend.

You know, if he can't handle it,
then he can leave. Which he will.

And, you know, that's okay.
So I'll just be alone forever.

You know, all right.
It'll be fine. It'll be fine.

I'll go on walking tours
with widows and lesbians.

- I'll get it.
Okay.

I'm trying to remember the last time
I opened a door and you weren't there.

Phoebe, are you okay?

Uh-huh. Yeah. There's just, um...

There's something you should know.

Vikram just called.

So it was really a shock
after 25 years of marriage...

my parents getting divorced.
I took it the hardest...

because I was the youngest.
- Mm-hm. Sure. Yeah.

How can you not remember me?

What?

How could you not remember
that we slept together?

- What? When?
- I don't know.

I really, really think
I would remember sleeping with you.

Come on, come on.
Search your brain, all right? It was...

a certain amount of time ago.
Okay, I was here. You were here.

We had sex here, here, here...

Not there.

- Anything?
- No, it's not ringing any bells.

My God, woman.

How many people have you been with
not to remember this?

Hey, Hayley.
We really gotta fix that doorknob.

Joey?

Oh.

I slept with you!

And you obviously remember me.
Hey, I still got it!

So we're good.

I'll let myself out.

And I said, "Okay, Vikram...

you can't just call
every time you get lonely.

- Yeah.
- You know?

You gave up that right
when you slept with Rachel."

Rachel? I thought she just
had a baby with Ross.

Yeah, well...

Yeah.

You know, but Emma's birth certificate
might say "Geller"...

but her eyes say "Mukherjee."

That is so wrong.
And on top of that, he's a glue sniffer?

I know. But he calls,
and my heart goes to him.

You know, that bastard is one
smooth-talking freelance kite designer.

I think there's somebody
better out there for you.

I mean, you know, I'm...
I'm not saying me, but...

Maybe me.

Oh.

And you don't have to worry about
glue-sniffing with me.

Although, I do smell
the occasional Magic Marker.

Yeah. Uh, anyway, I just...

I think I can make you happy.

- Okay, I can't do this.
- What's wrong?

Well, there is no Vikram.
Ross made him up.

Because I...

I really never have been
in a long-term relationship.

I've never lived with a guy.
I've never even celebrated an anniversary.

So...

You know, if that's too weird for you...

and you want to leave,
I totally understand.

In fact, I'll close my eyes
to make it less awkward.

You kissed me.

Uh-huh.

- So you don't think I'm a total freak?
- No.

Well...

Look, can I?

Can I think you're a little weird
and also cool...

for telling me the truth
and also want to kiss you?

I guess so.

Can I think it's cool
that you kissed me...

and also want to kiss you again?

And, um, be a little concerned
about the Magic Markers?

Definitely.

This is Vikram.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Hi.

- How was your flight?
- Oh, it was great.

Why don't you sit down.

Get yourself comfortable.

Because I have a little...

surprise for you.

Well, well, well. It must be 5 in Tulsa...

because it's sex o'clock in N.Y. C!

Okay. This is how much I love you.

The great white...

Honey?

Why am I watching
a bunch of sharks swimming around?

Oh, is this...? Is this not the good part?

Do you want me to fast-forward
to something toothier?

No, I'm just not sure that you
got the right movie, that's all.

Oh. This is the only one
they had at our video store.

Though they did have something
called Crocodile Killers.

Or does it always have to be sharks?

Does what always have to be sharks?

Honey, look, we can do something else.

Do you want me to
get into the tub and thrash?

- What's going on?
- Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay.

I still love you.

- Let me be a part of this.
- Let me be a part of this!

I saw what you were doing in Tulsa.

Angry sharks turn you on!

No, they don't.

Then why were you watching them
and giving yourself a treat?

Oh, my God. When you came in,
I switched the channel.

I was just watching regular porn.

Really?

Yes. Just some good, old-fashioned,
American, girl-on-girl action.

- Can I tell you how happy that makes me?
- Oh.

You are an amazing wife.

Really, you are amazing.
You were actually gonna do this for me?

I mean, where do you find the strength
and the understanding for that?

I'm very, very drunk right now.

See, ordinarily, I would talk to her,
but my confidence is shaken.

Did I sleep with her?
Did I not sleep with her?

You know, maybe this is a wake-up call.

You know,
about your whole dating attitude.

You're in your 30s and you have
never been in a long-term relationship.

Here you go from woman to woman...

meaningless experience
to meaningless experience.

Never even worrying that it doesn't
turn into something more serious.

You're right. I love my life!

I actually did sleep with her. Heh.