Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 3 - The One with the Pediatrician - full transcript

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

So, what's the big news you had us
rush all the way over here for?

Our news. My company has asked me
to head up our office in Tulsa.

So as of Monday,
I'm being officially relocated.

- Oh, my God!
- What? Monday?

- How long do you have to go for?
- They said it could be up to a year.

- A year?
- Well, do you have to go?

Well, I kind of have to, don't I?

Because of this stupid thing.

There's nothing like the support
of your loving wife, huh?

Wait a minute.
Wait, you can't go to Tulsa.



Maybe you forgot, but we have tickets
to the Jets game next week!

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't think
I'll be able to make it.

But we were gonna go see the Jets!

You can't go. I mean, you're the glue
that holds this group together.

- Really?
- Not you.

I can't believe you guys are moving.

- I call their apartment!
- No!

No!

Here you go, Rach.

- Oh, thank you, Joey.
- Yeah.

Oh, you know what?
I'm not even sure I can have caffeine.

I went through this with Ben and Carol.
One coffee won't affect your milk.

Yeah, just to be sure,
I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener.

- Every time?
- Mm-hm.



You don't have to call him
whenever you have a question, okay?

- Trust me. I know this.
- All right. I trust you.

I can see you dialing.
I don't understand why...

Shh, I'm on the phone! Dr. Wiener?

It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel
with a baby. It's just so grown-up.

I know, yeah.
I feel like we're all growing up.

A person named "Wiener."
God, that kills me.

- Look at you all grown-up.
- Yeah.

Well, actually, you know what?

I am, you know?

Well, that whole thing
with Rachel made me realize...

that maybe I'm ready for a more
serious relationship, you know?

Like, I'd like to meet a nice,
mature, commitment-minded lady.

And looks aren't as important as...

- Nah, she's gotta be hot.
- Mm-hm

You know, I might know somebody.

How about you set me up
with someone, and we double-date?

I can do that. Yeah.
How's, uh, Friday?

- Done!
- All right.

- Oh, good, really?
- Yeah.

Okay, let's see. Hee, hee.

All right.

Um, oh, you know who's great?
Sandy Poopack.

"Poopack"? Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah. All right.
Well, that rules out Lana Titwyler.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- I've got good news.
- You got out of the whole Tulsa thing?

Okay, I have news.

You don't have to move to Tulsa.
You can stay here and keep your job.

That's great! How?

My boss and I worked out a deal
where I'm in Tulsa four days a week.

So the other three,
I can be here with you.

So you're gonna be gone
four days a week?

No.

I'm sorry, are you just
used to saying that?

No. I can't be away
from you for that long.

- Really?
- Yeah, you're my husband.

I won't live in a different state
than you for 208 days out of the year.

That's fast math.
We could use you in Tulsa.

Thanks for trying to figure out a way,
but if you go to Tulsa, I go with you.

Ha-ha-ha. Hey.

You said that without gagging.

I know!

Well, excuse me?

Oh, yeah?
Well, up yours too!

- Who the hell was that?
- Dr. Wiener.

Rach, you can't call people
at 3 in the morning.

You know what?
You sound just like his wife.

Was there anything
even wrong with Emma?

Yes, of course there is!
Okay? I'm not insane.

What was it?

Hiccups.

I told you, you can't call him
every time any little thing comes up.

Well, not anymore I can't.
He fired us!

What are we gonna do?
We have to find a pediatrician.

Wait, wait, wait. Monica said that
when you guys were growing up...

you liked your doctor.
What was his name?

Dr. Gettleman?

Uh, yeah, no, I don't think
that's a good idea.

- In fact, I think... I think he's dead.
- Ugh!

Why does everything happen to me?

I promise, first thing tomorrow,
we'll find another doctor.

But I gotta get up early,
and I'm not feeling well.

You're not feeling well?
What do you have? Rubella?

Because don't go near Emma,
she has not had that shot.

You know, come to think of it,
it does feel rubella-like.

Wiener!

Wiener! Wiener! Wiener!

Rachel!

Great! Now he's gonna
know it was me!

- Hey.
- Hey.

So how is this
for our big double date tonight?

Oh, my God.

Ooh. Great. Just the reaction
I was hoping for.

Yeah, so you, uh, found someone
for me? You didn't forget?

Of course not.
And you'll love Mary Ellen.

She's really smart and cute
and funny and...

I can't tell you how I know this,
but she is not opposed to threesomes.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- So tell me something about my guy.
- No.

Come on, give me something.
What's his name?

- Mike. Yeah.
- Mike. Okay, what's his last name?

Damn it! Is there no mystery left
in romance anymore?!

We'll see you and Mike
at the restaurant in a couple hours.

All right, great.

- All right, bye. Yeah.
- See you. Bye-bye.

Why'd I have to say Mike? I don't know
a Mike! Why couldn't I have said?

There's no guys in there!

Ugh, it's impossible
to find a good doctor.

How do you know the good ones...

from the ones who'll push
their penis against your knee?

Excuse me?

I know what she's talking about.

Well, we've gotta find
a new pediatrician.

Ross was getting sick last night,
and Emma may have caught it.

- Why don't you see Dr. Gettleman?
- Ross said he died.

He didn't die.
I just saw his daughter last week.

She said he was fine.
Her, on the other hand, botched Botox.

Oh, great. Well then,
I'm gonna take Emma to see him.

I wonder why Ross said that he died?

Oh, maybe he confused him
with his childhood therapist.

He saw a therapist?

Mm-hm. He used to have
a recurring nightmare. It freaked him out.

Wow, what was it?

That I was going to eat him.

Mike!

Yeah?

Okay.

I can't believe
I'm doing this with you.

Although I did just end
a nine-year relationship...

so I should be open
to taking some risks.

It'll be fine. Follow my lead, okay? All you
have to do is pretend to be Mike.

- I am Mike.
- Attaboy.

Here they come.

- Hi, I'm Phoebe.
- Hey, Phoebe.

- I'm Mike.
- Nice to meet you.

Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins.

So, Mike, how do you and Joey
know each other, anyway?

Uh, how do Joey and I
know each other?

Wow, if I had a nickel for every time
somebody's asked me that.

- From school.
- We met in college.

I mean high school.

You guys go way back, then.
So, what are you up to these days?

- Well, I'm a lawyer.
- Mike, attorney at law! Ha, ha.

- Actually, I just gave up my practice.
- What?

That's the kind of thing
you usually run by me. Ha, ha.

I want to play piano professionally.
If I don't do this now, I never will.

Great. I like that better
than the lawyer thing.

Which is why I waited until now
to introduce you to Mike. Ha, ha.

You thought he was still a lawyer.

No, that's not what I meant.
Let's get you a cocktail.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing?

Looking for restaurant jobs
for you in Tulsa.

Aw, that's so sweet.
Did you find anything?

- Slim Pickins.
- Hmm. Nothing, huh?

No. Slim Pickins.
It's a barbecue joint.

They're looking for a cook. Actually,
"cook" may be a bit of a stretch.

They're looking for somebody
to shovel mesquite.

"Slim Pickins"? That is so cheesy.

Well, So Cheesy also has an opening.

Heh, honey, that's okay.
I know this woman, Nancy...

who's a restaurant biz headhunter.
She may know something.

Can I say how much I appreciate
you coming with me?

When we get to Tulsa, I am taking you
for a great dinner at Slim Pickins.

So Cheesy?

Whole Hog?

It's gonna be tough
to keep kosher in Tulsa.

Hi, Nancy?
Hi, it's Monica Geller.

I'm good. Listen, I'm looking
for a job in Tulsa.

Yeah, well, my husband's
been relocated. Ha, ha.

Because I love him.

No, I don't want a job in New York.

Javu's looking? Oh, my God!

He asked for me personally?
Oh, my God!

Oh, uh, wow, this is really,
really flattering.

But, um, I'm moving to Tulsa.

So, just, if you would tell Javu...

I'll take it!

Hi. Um, my name's Rachel Green.
I have an appointment for Emma.

Dr. Gettleman is finishing up
with a patient. He'll be out shortly.

Okay, thank you.

I think you just have a cold.
It's definitely not strep.

Thanks, doctor.

- Would you like a lollipop?
- Do you even have to ask?

He is alive!

It's so surprising that you and Joey
have known each other for so long...

and I've never heard about you.

Oh, that's, uh, because we had
a bit of a falling out.

Mike hit my mom with a car.

- No, I didn't.
- That's okay. I have forgiven you.

Now we're friends again,
and everything's great. Heh.

Well, wait. Is your mom okay?

Please, we're trying
to have a conversation.

Wow, you're a lot nicer
on Days of Our Lives.

Days of Our Lives!
That's why you look so familiar!

- What?
- What?

What?

Do you not know each other?

Of course we do. He's playing a game
we used to play in high school.

We pretend we don't know each other.
We played all kinds of games.

You remember that one where I punch
you in the face for not being cool?

How many sisters does Joey have?

- Six.
- What are you doing? I said seven!

Oh.

Joey, why did you set me up
with a stranger?

Because I forgot about our date.
I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry too. And just to be clear,
I didn't hit his mother with a car.

You are unbelievable. I spent so much
time finding the perfect girl for you.

Mary Ellen is really smart
and cute and loose.

Hey.

Oh, who are you kidding?

You find some guy
off the street for me?

God, this is humiliating!

I'm so sorry. If you don't like this guy,
I can find you a better one.

- Mike? Mike?
- Oh.

I'm out of here.

It was nice meeting you.

- You're leaving too?
- I'll stay if you can tell me my name.

- Have a good night.
- Mm-hm.

We leave tomorrow,
and you still have a lot to pack.

You're right.

Maybe I shouldn't go.

- What?
- Um.

So Nancy told me about this job
at this great restaurant, Javu?

But it's just
a little outside of Tulsa.

Well, how far outside?

Manhattan?

And, uh, you're thinking of taking it?

Before, you said that being with me
was more important than any job.

But I guess now it's, uh,
old job, me, new job.

- I'm gonna miss this hand!
- Ha, ha.

I know this is a lot to ask...

but, my God, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

What happened to "you can't live
without me four days a week"?

Well, if you really think about it,
I mean, four days is not that long.

I see you Monday
before you go to work...

and Thursday when you get back...

and I always work late on Tuesdays,
so really if you think about it, ha, ha...

it's really just one day.

Um, well, if we can't make it one day,
we got real problems, my friend.

- I think you should take the job.
- Really?

I know it must be important to you
when you start chattering like a monkey.

That's the nicest thing
anybody's ever said to me.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- How was the pediatrician?
- Oh, I really liked him.

Yeah, yeah.
It was really, really, really good.

- You promised not to say anything.
- I know.

Ross still sees his pediatrician!

I don't care.

Are you serious?
You still see Dr. Gettleman?

He is a brilliant diagnostician!

- Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer?
- Mm.

Seriously, you gotta go
to an appropriate doctor.

Why? I know it's a little weird,
but, hey, he is a great doctor, okay?

He knows my medical history.

And every time I go in there,
he makes a big deal.

You know,
"Ah, look, it's my favorite patient."

Does he say that before he sticks
his thermometer in your tushy?

I seem to remember someone bringing
his security blanket to college.

That was not a security blanket.
That was a wall hanging.

It didn't spend much time on the wall!

Oh, excuse me, uh.

Hi. I was hoping to run into you.
Uh, can we talk?

Sure.

I'm sorry, really.
I'm so embarrassed.

Is it all right?

Really, I'm a pretty nice guy.
Just ask my parole officer.

Apparently, I'm not a funny guy.

Well, why did you go along with that?

Because I was told that I'd get
a free dinner, which I didn't.

And that I'd meet a pretty girl,
which I did.

That's true.

Well, is anything you told me
about yourself true?

My name is Mike.
And I do play piano.

Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Prove it.

There isn't a piano here.

That wouldn't stand in the way
of a true pianist.

Okay.

You are really good.

Uh, um.

- I play a little guitar myself.
- Really?

- Uh-huh.
- That's great.

- What kind of music do you play?
- Um, like acoustic, folksy stuff.

But right now I'm working on
a couple Iron Maiden covers.

Do you think that, maybe,
sometime, I could, uh...

It's okay. Go ahead, ask me out.

Okay. You think, maybe,
sometime I could take you out?

Oh, you just caught me off guard, um.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Look at this! My two best friends!

Excuse me, uh.
I don't mean to be a jerk...

but the baby with the rash
came in after me.

The doctor will be right with you, sir.

Mommy, I can't find Waldo.

What, the circus?
He's behind the elephant.

Wow. So your child's a big fan
of the Waldo books too?

Yeah, that's how I know.

- I'm Ross, by the way.
- Hi, I'm Sally.

Hi.

So no ring. Can I assume
you're also a single parent?

- I am a single parent.
- It's hard, isn't it?

There's no time for a social life.
Where are you gonna meet someone?

Well, um...

let's say, I don't know, you met
someone in the pediatrician's office. Uh.

Rossie? We're ready for you.

Um, yeah...

Come on, Ross Jr.
It's time to go in.

Mommy.

Mommy, what's wrong with that man?

Hey, I helped you find Waldo!

- Oh, good, you haven't left yet.
- Where have you been?

I got held up
at Dr. Gettleman's office, um.

There was some guy that, uh,
freaked everybody out.

You got here just in time.
I really have to go, buddy.

Oh, man.

- Promise to call me when you land?
- Of course I will. I love you.

I love you too.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa!

Whoa, watch the tongue, people.
We got a baby over here.

- Bye, Chandler.
- Aw. Bye.

- Bye, honey.
- Bye.

- What's the matter, Joe?
- I'm mad at you for leaving.

You know, you're nothing
but a big leaver.

A big leaver with a stupid suitcase.

Any chance you're trying to pick
a fight to make all of this easier?

Aw, dude, you see right through me!

Okay, well... Bye, Mon.

Bye, Ross. Rachel.

- Bye, Emma.
- Okay, bye-bye.

Have a good trip. Okay.
Oh, my God.

Chandler.

Wait.

It goes old job...

new job...

and you.

This is just something I have to do.

I know.

I love you so much.

I know that too.

Don't worry.
I'll be back before you know it.

Yes, it will be the same.

Because I know, that's how.

I promise.

You double promise?

Call me when you land.

- Can I talk now?
- Okay, bye.

- Joey!
- He had to board.