Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 23 - The One in Barbados: Part 1 - full transcript

Hey! I'm all packed and ready to go.

That's right. Daddy and Uncle Joey
are going on a trip today.

We're going to a conference in Barbados.
Right? Can you say, "Barbados"?

Barbados.

Okay. I've gotta say, it means so much
to me that you guys are coming...

all the way over there
to hear me give my speech.

And I have a surprise.
I had to pull some strings...

but I was able to get everyone passes
to the entire conference. That's right!

These babies will get you into all
the paleontology lectures and seminars.

Do you have anything
that will get us out of them?

We're excited to hear the speech,
but the rest of the time...



we're gonna want to do island stuff.

David will probably want to hear
a few lectures.

- Right, because he's a scientist.
- No, no.

He's been in Minsk for eight years.
If he gets too much direct sunlight...

he'II die.

- Okay, we'd better go.
- Yeah?

- So we'II see you guys tomorrow.
- AII right, let's do it.

A five-hour flight with Charlie,
have a couple drinks...

get under that blanket
and do what comes natural.

It's a blanket, Joe,
not a cloak of invisibility.

- Wow, this place is beautiful!
- Look at all these paleontologists!

I know. There are gonna be some
pasty folks by the pool tomorrow.

- My God, I can't believe you're here!
- I think I've been recognized.

- This happens all the time.
- Dr. Geller? I am such a huge fan.



That never happens.

I've been following your career for years.
I can't wait for your keynote speech.

- Wow! This is very flattering.
- I would love your autograph.

Well, sure.

- "Dear...?"
- Sarah.

"Sarah. I dig you."

- "Dr. Ross Geller."
- Oh, thank you so much.

Sure. Sarah, I'd like you to introduce you
to my colleague, Professor Wheeler.

- And this is Joey Tribbiani.
- Are you a paleontologist?

No, God, no, no. I'm an actor.

You probably recognize me from a
Iittle show called The Days of Our Lives.

Dude, it's just Days of Our Lives.
There's no "the."

Okay, Ross. Boy, you.... Yeah.
No, no. I play Dr. Drake Ramoray.

- I'm sorry. I don't own a TV.
- You don't own a TV?

What's all your furniture pointed at?

- Well, it was a pleasure to meet you all.
- You too, Sarah.

Jeez, who doesn't own a TV?

Well, actually, I don't.

Yeah, and mine broke two months ago
and I still haven't gotten a new one.

Well, didn't you two come
to the right convention.

David, can you help me?

I'm trying to explain to Chandler
how a plane stays in the air.

Certainly. That's a combination
of Bernoulli's Principle...

- and Newton's third law of motion.
- See?

Yeah. That's the same as,
"It has something to do with wind."

I'm gonna go pick up a few things
for the trip.

I should go too. Now, tomorrow do you
want to share a cab to the airport...

or should Mike and I meet you?

Mike? Who's Mike?

- Mike's your ex-boyfriend.
- That's right!

Oh, yeah.
Wow, I had totally forgotten about him.

- That's a blast from the past, huh?
- No, it's okay. Honest mistake.

It really doesn't mean anything.
I mean, you know...

Monica refers to Chandler
as Richard all the time.

- She does?
- Let's get you out of here.

Well, at least you took me down
with you.

I'm so sorry. I just...
I keep thinking about Mike.

I'm crazy about David, and
we're having so much fun together.

Why? Why do I miss Mike? That's just...
That's gonna go away, right?

- Well, I guess. In time.
- Yeah.

I mean, my feelings for Richard
are certainly gone.

You just did it again. Chandler. Your
feelings for Chandler are certainly gone.

Boy, Phoebe's still pretty hung up
on that Mike, huh?

I wouldn't read too much into it.

Still, a girl calls you
by her ex-boyfriend's name...

- that's not a good thing, right?
- Let me stop you there.

Because I think I see where this is going.
I'm not very good at giving advice.

See, if you want advice,
go to Ross or Monica. Or Joey...

for advice about pizza toppings
or a burning sensation when you pee.

I'm sorry, I just wish there
was something I could do, you know?

- Well, you know Phoebe...
- Seriously, we're gonna do this?

I'm sorry, I just wish I could make her
forget about Mike already.

- Why did Phoebe and Mike break up?
- Because his penis was too big.

I'm sorry. That's the kind of thing I do.

They broke up because Mike
didn't want to get married.

What if you let Phoebe know
you'd be open to marriage?

That's great. That's great.
I'II propose to her.

What?

I was probably going to do it
at some point.

- No, I didn't mean now.
- Well, why not? It's brilliant.

"Goodbye, Mike.
We'II see you at the wedding, fella.

Well, we probably won't invite you
to the wedding, but..."

- Well, thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.
- Well, you're welcome.

Glad I could help.

- How do you think I should propose?
- I'm pretending to read here.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. How you doing?
Hey, how are you?

You said you were gonna wear a thong.
Where's the thong?

I didn't mean a thong.
I meant thongs.

You really should have been
more clear about that.

You're never gonna guess
who I just saw downstairs.

Britney Spears!

Yeah.
She never misses these conferences.

- No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz!
- Oh, my God!

- I know!
- Did you talk to him?

Oh, yeah. What am I gonna say
to Kenneth Schwartz?

You could say, "Hey, Kenny,
how come you're not Britney Spears?"

- You ready to go?
- You're gonna go now?

- I thought we could hang out.
- I can't. I have seminars all day.

I promised Ross
I'd look at his speech.

But maybe we could have dinner later?
Out on the balcony? It'II be romantic.

Will you wear a thong?

I will if you will.

You got yourself a very weird deal.

I'm good. I have dinner plans.

- So you gonna be okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

I got tons of stuff I could do.
I'm gonna hit the beach, go swimming.

Joe, have you looked outside?

No. Why?

- Oh, man.
- There's an indoor pool.

- You could swim there.
- Yeah.

I wasn't gonna swim.
I was gonna dig a hole.

That Mike thing was interesting.
I don't know what's gonna happen...

- with Phoebe and David.
- I do. Want a hint, huh?

I do.

I do.

Okay, I'm sensing this is
some kind of wordplay...

because you are pink
with barely controlled glee.

- David's gonna propose to Phoebe.
- What? Why?

Because we were talking about ways
he could beat Mike...

and I told him Phoebe wanted
to get married.

Chandler, we have talked about this.

You are not supposed to give
people advice!

Couldn't you have made
some inappropriate joke?

I did!

A penis one!

Just so I know, what was so wrong
about what I said?

They've only been going out
for a few weeks.

Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike.
I mean, she'II say no...

David's heart will be broken,
it'II be too hard for them to recover...

and then Phoebe will end up
alone again.

Man, that's some bad advice.

Oh, hey.
Thank God. You guys are here.

- What's going on?
- Everything is upside-down here.

It rains all day long and nobody
watches TV, and Ross is famous.

I don't want to alarm anybody...

but Monica's hair is twice as big
as it was when we landed.

Okay. When I go places
with high humidity...

it gets a little extra body, okay?

That's why our honeymoon photos
Iook like me and Diana Ross.

I'II show you guys where to check in.

Oh, honey? Can you make sure
we get a king-size bed?

Oh, David, get one for us too. Oh, and
see if they have a heart-shaped one.

And with mirrors on the ceiling.

And make sure our room
isn't next to theirs.

Oh, you guys are so lucky
you're here with people.

I'd love to share this with someone.

Oh, honey, you have us. We love you.

Okay, which one of you
is gonna sleep with me?

You know, it's just
such a romantic place.

I just wish I could share it with a guy.

- Not Joey.
- Not Joey. No.

- I was just lusting after Chandler.
- Yeah, right.

So.... I'm proposing to Phoebe tonight.

Tonight?

Isn't an engagement ring
supposed to have a diamond?

Oh, there it is.

Yes, well, being a failed scientist doesn't
pay quite as well as you might think.

That's one-seventieth of a carat.

And the clarity is quite poor.

Nice.

- Monica, can I talk to you for a second?
- Okay.

David's gonna propose
to Phoebe tonight.

See what happens
when you give people advice?

- Well, I hope you told him not to.
- That would be advice!

Okay, fine. I'II handle this.

- Phoebe?
- Yeah?

- I need to talk to you.
- Are you leaving the Supremes?

Okay, my husband just gave
your boyfriend some very bad advice.

David's gonna propose to you tonight.

Wow, really?

That's fantastic!

What? Are you serious?
You want to marry him?

- What about Mike?
- Oh, okay, you want me to marry Mike?

Let's just gag him and handcuff him...

and force him down the aisle, okay?

I can just see it.
"Mike, do you take Phoebe?"

You know? It's every girl's dream.

Do you really think marrying
someone else is the right answer?

Sure. Look, okay, bottom line?
I love Mike... David!

David! I love David.

Don't look at me that way,
Roseanne Roseannadanna.

"By using CT scans and computer
imaging, we can, in a very real way...

bring the Mesozoic Era
into the 21 st century."

It's great.

Yeah, you really think so?

You'II be the hit
of the conference.

It'II be even better tomorrow...

because I won't be constantly
interrupted by Joey...

checking to see if they put
chocolates on my pillow yet.

- Hey, guys.
- The chocolates aren't here.

Damn it!

Ross just read me his speech.
It's fantastic.

Oh, is it on the computer?
Because I'd love to give it a read.

If you want to check your e-mail,
just ask.

What? May I?

What's with the rain, Geller? I mean,
when I signed up for dino week...

nobody said anything
about it being monsoon season.

- The wet season is June to December.
- It's not the time, Charlie.

Oh, no. No, no! Dear God, no!

What, did someone outbid you
for the teapot?

Secret teapot.

Your computer. I don't know what...
Everything's gone.

- What do you mean?
- Must be a virus.

I think it erased your hard drive.

What? Oh, my God. What did you do?

Someone I don't know sent me an e-mail
and I opened it.

- Why? Why would you open it?
- Well, it didn't say, "This is a virus."

- What did it say?
- "Nude..."

"Pictures of Anna Kournikova."

- I'm so sorry.
- What am I gonna do?

- My speech is gone!
- It's not gone.

I'm sure you printed out a copy.
You have a hard copy?

No, I don't!

Well, you must be pretty mad
at yourself right now.

- It's really gone?
- Yep.

I'd like to thank you guys
for coming down here...

to complain about the rain
and ruin my career.

- I just feel awful.
- Yeah, you should.

Nude pictures of Anna Kournikova? She's
never even won a major tournament.

Well, I tried Billie Jean King, but...

You know, you and Monica have
the same I'm-gonna-kill-you look.

I can usually make it go away
by kissing her.

Get out.

You know, this happens all the time
to my computer at work.

- What do you do?
- I usually go...

play Tetris on somebody else's
computer.

I can't believe this is happening.

I have to give the keynote speech
tomorrow.

I have to stand up in front of all
these people. What am I gonna say?

You can use a speech I memorized
for auditions.

I don't think your monologue from
Star Wars is gonna help me right now.

Ross, we can solve this.
I just heard your speech.

- We can re-create it. We've got all night.
- What, you really think we can do that?

Oh, wait. Joey and I
are supposed to have dinner.

Don't worry about that.
I mean, Ross needs you.

Rachel and I will stay and help
any way we can.

AII right. Okay, let's do it.

Well, I know we start by discussing
the shortcomings of carbon dating.

And then I move on to what is clearly
the defining moment...

of the Mesozoic Era,
the breakup of Pangaea. Hello?

And then there's the overview
of the Triassic.

Any chance any of this happened
in a galaxy far, far away?

- Hello?
- Okay, Mike?

Enough is enough.
You love Phoebe, and she loves you.

So get over your
I-never-wanna-get-married thing...

and step up!

Who is this?

This is Monica, Phoebe's friend.

Sure, Monica.
So good to have you back in my life.

Listen, Phoebe is back with David.

He's gonna propose,
and she's gonna say yes...

but I know she really wants to be
with you.

He's gonna propose?

I'm sorry, did you say something?
I can't hear through all this damned hair!

If Phoebe wants to marry David,
she should.

I'm not gonna stand in the way of that.
Neither should you.

You don't tell me what to do.
I tell you what to do.

Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel
in Barbados.

And while I've got you,
you've got curly hair.

What do you do in the humidity?

Damn it!

- Well, I hope you're happy.
- I hope you're happy too, honey.

Phoebe's going to say yes to David.

- That's what happens when you meddle.
- Phoebe's gonna say yes? That's great.

No, it's not.
She's still in love with Mike.

- There's no chance that will work?
- No, I called.

- It's not gonna happen.
- Meddler! Meddler!

If you hadn't meddled to start with...

then I wouldn't have had to go in
and meddle myself.

No matter how much we meddle,
we'II never be able to unmeddle...

the thing that you meddled up
in the first place!

This vacation sucks!

I'm so bored.

Stupid rain. We can't do anything.

Well, I brought some books.
We could read.

Hey, it hasn't come to that yet.

Hey, hey, hey, don't mind if I do.

I'm sorry, sir, these are
for the pharmaceutical convention.

You feel like going to a convention?

- We can't. We're not pharmacists.
- I know we're not...

but Frank Madaio and Eva....

- Kate Miller.
- Kate Miller it is.

- Okay.
- Oh, good...

And that's the most sex
I'm gonna have this weekend.

Well, in that case,
should I make sure it's on real good?

Thank you.

So, Kate...

how's the pharmacy game treating you?

Well, Frank, I tell you, it's rough.

I mean, is it me or is doctors' handwriting
getting harder and harder to read?

I know, I know.

I tell you.

But on the plus side,
we get to wear those white coats...

- and stand behind that really tall counter.
- Oh, that's true.

You're Joey Tribbiani
from Days of Our Lives.

Finally, someone recognizes me. Okay.

And it's The Days of Our Lives.

- Jackie, it is him.
- Yeah, Jackie, it's me. Come on over.

Oh, my God, this is so exciting!

So why are you here?

I'm doing research for a role
in a new movie about pharmacists.

Yeah, it's called Prescription for Love.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

This is my friend Rachel.
She's in the movie too.

I'm an actress.

So, what's the movie about?

Well, I play the handsome,
macho pharmacist...

and Rachel is my student...

who wants to learn all about...

pharmacing.

And, see, I'm shy at first...

but then, I take off my glasses
and become sexy, you know.

And there's some nudity,
but it's very tastefully done.

My nudity in the film
is not tasteful at all.

So you're doing research?

- Do you have any questions for us?
- I sure do.

Where'd that guy get the big, pink drink?

Oh, and then you said that thing about
bringing the Mesozoic Era...

into the 21 st century.

Well, yeah. That's it?

That's it. That's the whole speech.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God. We did it.

Actually, I did it, Ross. You remembered
shockingly little of your own speech.

Yes, but I did make a pyramid
out of the bath products.

Oh, this is amazing.
Thank you. Thank you so much.

That's a pretty necklace.

Thank you.

Hey, what do you say we celebrate?
Champagne?

Yeah! Save the cork, and that way,
we can fill the bottle with water...

and put it back so they
don't charge you.

Oh, my God, I love you.

This is such a cute picture of Emma.
And is this your son...

or just some kid whose picture
you bring on vacation?

That's Ben, my son
from my first marriage.

- Your first marriage?
- Yeah.

You've been married more than once?

No.

So why'd you break up?

Oh, it was...

It's complicated, you know?
She was...

gay.

Actually, it's not that complicated.

Oh, my God.

This is so cool!

Okay.
Odd thing to get excited about.

No, it's just that I was engaged
to a guy who turned out to be gay.

Hey! High-five!

Didn't you feel so stupid
that you didn't see the signs?

My fianc? was always going on
Iong weekends with his "tennis partner."

My wife had a workout friend she went
to the gym with every day for a year.

She didn't get any fitter.

- Everybody's like, "I knew all along."
- I know.

If you knew, why didn't you tell me?
I mean, call, leave a note.

"Hi. Just dropped by
to say your wife's gay."

- I know.
- And then...

And then you try to make the best
of a bad situation...

so you float the idea of a threesome.

I didn't do that.

Me neither.

Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun.

I know. That old lady at the end
was ready to take you home.

Not enough pills in the world, Rach.

What about you, huh? You're the single
one. See anybody in there you like?

Well, let's see. There was that
really big guy that I was talking to...

with the really nice breasts.

But what about back home? Anything
going on there? Anybody you like?

No.

- There is. You're blushing.
- No, I'm not blushing...

and I'm sunburned.

From, you know, the rain.

You like someone. Tell me who.

- Tell me who it is. Come on.
- No. Joey.

Who do you like?
You're not getting away that easy.

- Who do you like?
- Joey, come on!

It doesn't matter, you know?
It's not like anything's gonna happen.

What? Why not?
Rach, who can you not get?

Okay. Okay.
You really want to know who it is?

- Yeah. Who is it?
- Do you?

- Oh, hey.
- I just left you a message.

Ross and I were gonna go grab a bite...

but now that you're here,
we could have that dinner.

Right! Of course.
Hey, did you guys finish the speech?

Yep! We got it. We got it.
Thank you so much.

- I had a great time.
- Yeah.

This isn't over,
because I really want to know...

Later. Later.

- So shall we?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Good night.

Good night.

- Okay, good night.
- Good night, Ross.

I can't believe she's gonna
say yes to David.

She's clearly in love with Mike.

You know, it's very hard to take you
seriously when you look like that.

Could we have a bottle
of champagne, please?

And I'm kind of on a budget,
so if you have anything local...

or Canadian.

Phoebe, I have something I want to say.

Oh, God, he's gonna do it.
I cannot watch this. Let's go.

I think we have time.
Have you heard him talk?

"Phoebe, I would be honored if..."
Spit it out, David!

Phoebe.

You're an amazing woman, and the time
we spent apart was unbearable.

Of course, the sanitation strikes
in Minsk didn't help.

Sure. Okay. Yeah.

But, well, now that we're together
again, I don't ever want to be apart.

So to that end....

- Oh, my God, Mike.
- It's David, actually.

No, Mike's here.

Oh, hey, Mike.

Hi, David.

Chandler. Monic... Oh!

It's the humidity!

- Hi, Phoebe.
- What are you doing here?

I have a question I need to ask you.

I have a question I was kind of
gonna ask her myself.

Yeah, I understand, but before you do,
she really needs to hear this.

Okay.

- Would you care for my seat as well?
- Actually, yeah, that'd be great.

Well, that's fair, you've had a long trip.

Phoebe, I love you.

I've missed you so much
these last few months.

I thought we were apart
for a good reason...

but I realized that there was
no reason good enough...

to keep me from spending
the rest of my life with you.

Kind of steps on the toes
of what I was going to say.

I'm sorry, David,
but she really has to know this.

AII right, but after this,
I want to see you outside.

If it stops raining.

You're the most incredible woman
I've ever met.

How could I lose you?
Now, I don't actually have a ring.

- I have a ring.
- I wouldn't brag about that, big guy.

But, Phoebe...

will you marry me?

No.

I love you, but I never needed
a proposal from you.

I just needed to know
we were headed somewhere.

- That we had a future.
- We can have any future you want.

Okay, well, I'm gonna take off.

David, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

Just so I know, if I had asked first...?

Yeah, I might have said yes,
but that would've been wrong.

Please, you don't have to explain.

I mean, perhaps if I hadn't
gone to Minsk...

things would have worked out for us,
and I wouldn't have ruined my career.

Or lost that toe to frostbite.

It was a good trip.

- Is it okay if I hug you now?
- Oh, yes.

Because of our meddling! AII right?

Oh, isn't this nice? It's so quiet.
I could just lie here all day.

Oh, I know.

- Open your drapes! Open your drapes!
- So glad we got adjoining rooms.

- The sun is out!
- Hey! Remember when I had corneas?

Go to the pool and reserve chairs.

- I will get the magazines and the lotion.
- Ladies? Ross' speech is in 45 minutes.

- No!
- Damn it!

Walls are pretty thin, guys.

"Then we have to weigh the data from
recent MRI scans and DNA testing...

which call into question information
gathered from years of carbon dating."

Look at the woman sitting out
by the pool getting tan.

She's all leathery and wrinkled.
I'm so jealous!

"Finally, factor in the profusion
of new species recently discovered.

Giganotosaurus.

- Argentinosaurus."
- Not to mention Coldsaurus.

"And that's just the herbivores. I'm not
even gonna discuss the carnivores.

Their heads are already too big.

Which is ironic, considering
their stunted cerebral development."

Really?

"But all kidding aside,
in much the same way...

that Homo ergaster is thought to be a
separate species from Homo erectus...."

- What?
- He said "erectus."

- You're kidding, right?
- No, he really said it.

"And while there are certainly
vast differences...

between these Mesozoic fossils
and the example of Homo erectus...."

Erectus?

- Homo.
- Right.

"In a very real way, we can bring
the Mesozoic Era into the 21 st century."

Thank you.

- Really great.
- Oh, thanks, guys.

I thought it was wonderful.
Jarvis Oberblau. Cornell.

I mean, the ideas you put forth,
and from someone so young and....

Okay, now we're just holding hands.

Alrighty. We're gonna hit the beach.
That was really great.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah. Oh, and so funny.

- Take it easy.
- AII right, thanks. Thanks so much.

I can't tell you how much it means
that you were here.

You kidding?
We wouldn't have missed it.

I'm back.

Okay. Well, excuse me?

- Well?
- You were incredible.

You blew them away.

I can't tell you how great it was
to look in the crowd and see your face.

I mean, did you know you were
mouthing the words along with me?

- I was not.
- No, it's okay.

It made me feel like a rock star.

Oh, my God. I'm your groupie.

Hey, I better not find you naked
in my hotel room.

Look, I took it too far.

Hey, I thought you were
going to the beach.

- It's raining again.
- What?

Would you look at that.

The only time the sun comes out
the whole weekend...

is the one hour I'm giving my speech.

Someone up there likes me.

But people down here are pissed.

I can't believe it's raining again.
It's so unfair.

Well, on the bright side,
now we won't have to see...

all these paleontologists
with their shirts off.

Not you guys.

You've got it going on.

- What will we do today?
- They have a game room downstairs.

They have Ping-Pong and stuff.

Ping-Pong?
Honey, they have Ping-Pong.

- Let's play.
- I don't think so.

- Why not?
- You know how competitive you get.

And while I say it's cute,
others disagree, and I'm lying.

- I'm not always that bad.
- Oh, yeah?

What happened when we played
Iast time?

I punched you.

- And?
- Phoebe.

- And?
- I clunked your heads together.

- There you are.
- Hey. Listen.

As soon as it stops raining,
we have got to go snorkeling.

Some kid told me about this sea turtle.
If you blow bubbles in his face...

he chases you.

I'm sorry, I can't. I'm running
a discussion group all afternoon.

That's okay.
I'II find someone else to do it.

I'd do it alone, but...

I don't know what happens
if the sea turtle catches you.

You know, I feel so bad.

I haven't seen you this whole trip.
Especially last night...

Don't worry about it. It was fine.
I had the best time with Rachel.

I just felt bad for you, stuck
in that room working on Ross' speech.

Actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun.

Oh, well, at least
we're both having fun, right?

- Is it weird that it's not with each other?
- Yeah.

A little bit, yeah.

I think we need to talk.

Yeah, I think we do.

About what?

- Come on, you guys, it'II be fun!
- AII right.

- I'II play if we don't keep score.
- Well, then how do we know who wins?

- Nobody wins.
- So we're just four losers. Super.

- Well, I'm not playing with her.
- I'm out.

- I'II play you.
- Okay.

- You don't know what you're doing.
- She gets crazy.

This scar? That's from Pictionary.

I think I'II be all right.

- You want to volley a bit for serve?
- Sure, if you want to.

Oh, by the way, I'm awesome.

Oh, dear God, there's two of them.

- You ready to play?
- Hell, yeah.

- Did you know this about him?
- No idea. I thought he was soft like you.

- Want to make it more interesting?
- How much you thinking?

- Ten bucks a game?
- Make it 50.

- I'II make it 100.
- One thousand...

Okay!

We'II flip to see who goes first.
You got a quarter?

No. Either of you girls got a quarter?

Honey, try to focus the trash talk
on him.

- Monica, you call it.
- Heads. No, tails! Heads!

- Tails.
- Oh, what are the chances?

- My point!
- Oh, no, I don't think so.

Standard rules: If at any time a player
uses his nonracket-bearing hand...

to touch the playing surface,
he or she forfeits the point.

He was a lawyer.

All the East Coast
is having beautiful weather.

In New York, it's 72 and sunny.

Weather bitch.

It's open.

- Hi, Joe.
- Hey.

- What? Is everything okay?
- Charlie and I broke up.

No. Why?

Well, she said
we have nothing in common.

That's crazy.

No, it's not.
We have nothing in common.

- Yeah, that's true.
- Yeah.

I mean, she should be with someone
more like Ross.

You know, I mean he uses
all those big words too.

- Man, smart people are dull.
- Well, hey!

Okay, Rach.

I feel so stupid, you know? Why do I
keep going after the wrong girls?

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, come on.

I mean, there's you, then there's Charlie.
It's like.... What the hell's my problem?

I just....

Okay. Maybe you're not
always going after the wrong girl.

I'm telling you, Rach,
Charlie is not right for me.

- I'm not talking about her.
- Well, then, who?

The waitress I went out with last month?

- You know what? Forget it.
- No, no, no, no.

- Who are you talking about?
- No, I don't...

I actually don't know who
I'm talking about, so....

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna go see
if I can get a room for tonight.

- And I'II see you later.
- Yeah, sure. Okay.

- You like me?
- Okay.

- Let's not make a big thing about this.
- It's a huge thing!

Okay, not working with me, Joe.

Look, here's the thing.
Lately, I have been having thoughts.

Musings, if you will.

- Well, for how long?
- Oh, only like a month.

- A month?
- Well...

Dial it down. Listen, maybe they're
crazy thoughts, but sometimes I do.

I have been thinking about,
you know, us.

- Okay, dial it up a little.
- Oh, you're right. Okay.

- I just have a question.
- Shoot.

- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm not trying to do anything.

It's just, we have such a good time
when we're together, you know?

And I mean, aren't you just
a little curious what it would be like?

Am I curious?
I mean, I'm as curious as...

George!

- Who?
- Curious George!

You know, the monkey and the guy
with the yellow hat.

- Of course. I remember.
- He had a paper route.

Yeah, he did.

- See, this is what I'm talking about.
- No, I know. We're great!

But, Rach, no, this can't happen.

Can't it just happen a little bit?

- No! It can't happen at all!
- Why not?

Because, look, no one wants
this to happen more than me, okay?

I have gone over this moment
in my head 100 times...

and not once did I ever say no.

I couldn't do it to Ross.

- But that wasn't gonna stop you before.
- I know. I know...

but I've thought about it a lot
since then, and it just wouldn't be right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

- Oh, God, I shouldn't have said anything.
- No, no.

No, no, no, no. Hey, we'II be fine.

- Like you said, it's no big deal.
- It's not a big deal.

- No big deal.
- It's so not a big deal.

- I'II see you later. AII right, hey.
- Okay, great.

Okay...

Oh, I'm sorry, I think...
I think that may have missed the table.

- Oh, do you?
- Yeah.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

- Do you?
- Yeah!

- You really find this attractive on him?
- Oh, yeah.

Are you telling me you're not even
a little turned on by Monica right now?

This is the first time in our marriage that
I've felt like the more attractive one.

AII right, come on, Mike.
You can beat her.

Knock that dog off her head.

- Damn it!
- I sleep with him!

- Game point.
- Don't get too cocky.

Remember, I won the last one.

Oh, by the way,
how did that feel, losing to a girl?

You should look in the mirror
before you call yourself that.

- No! No! No!
- And that's how it's done.

Okey-dokey.

You've each won a game, and I've lost
what's felt like a year of my life.

Everybody goes home a winner.

- Best of three?
- That's what I'm thinking.

Should I use my invisibility
to fight crime or for evil?

- Serve the ball, chump.
- "Serve the ball, chump."

Okay, better comebacks, Mike.
Better comebacks.

I got it!

I'm fine, by the way!

I'm just saying,
I have a cabin in the Adirondacks.

If you ever want to get away
from the city, well, that'd be...

just nifty.

Well, I've kind of got a lot
on my plate right now.

Not that I wouldn't love a weekend
in the country with a strange man.

- Jarvis?
- Oh, you're back.

- This is my wife, Nancy.
- Well, get out!

- Ross? Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Yes, please.

Is he still looking at me?

Yes.

- Still?
- Yes.

And his wife's kind of looking at me.

So, what's going on?

Well, Joey and I broke up.

- Oh, my God. What happened?
- Joey is a great guy...

but we're just...
We're so different.

I mean, like, during your speech,
he kept laughing at "Homo erectus."

I knew that was him!

Anyway, I just....
I think it's for the best.

- Hey. Hey, you okay?
- I guess.

There was....

There was another reason that I thought
it was time to end it with Joey.

I started to realize that I was
having feelings for someone else.

Okay, Geller.
Last day of the conference.

You know what happens
to the keynote speaker.

Professor Klarik, we're in the middle
of a conversation here.

- Can't you throw him in the pool later?
- Or we could throw you both in now.

Okay, gentlemen, please.
Aren't we a little old for this?

I mean, we're scientists, all right?
We're academics...

and most importantly,
you will have to catch us first.

Go! Go! Go!

Okay, so it's tied again,
41 to 41.

- Okay, look, enough is enough.
- No.

- I just have two more points to beat him.
- Monica, that was also true an hour ago!

I mean, please, look at you.

Your hand is blistered, you can
barely stand, your hair is inexplicable!

Pheebs, talk to Mike. Help me out.

Mike, you win this, you will get the best
sex you've ever had in your whole life.

I say to fight crime.

You didn't see us!

Monica?

You've already proven
you're just as good as he is.

We missed our dinner reservations,
so let's just go upstairs...

order room service, take a shower
and shave your head!

I can't just walk away.
I've put in four hours.

You knew this about me
when you married me.

You agreed to take me in sickness
and in health.

Well, this is my sickness!

- What about the obsessive cleaning?
- That's just good sense.

- You okay?
- No, honey, I'm okay.

Shake it off. Oh, no shaking.
No shaking. No shaking.

Oh, my God. I can't play.

- So you forfeit?
- Mike wins?

I can't believe it. I lost.

- No, you didn't.
- What?

- Because I'm gonna play for you.
- You can't do that.

It's okay.
I don't care which of them I beat.

Okay, we're taking
that paddle home, mister.

- Honey, you don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do.

I may not understand why
you have to win so badly...

but if it's important to you,
it's important to me.

Because I love you.

But you suck.

You're welcome, sweetheart.

AII right, let's get this over with.
Sudden death.

- Whoever wins this point, wins.
- Okay.

- Oh, my God. You're good.
- It's like watching porn.

And that's how it's done.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That was so amazing.

Well, when did you...?

Hold on, I almost forgot. Loser.

- When did you stop sucking?
- I never sucked. I just didn't want you...

- to know how good I was.
- Why?

- I don't know.
- Well, this is so great.

- Now we can enter doubles tournaments.
- That's why.

- They still looking for us?
- Yeah.

The bartender said they split up
into two search parties.

The herbivores and the carnivores.

You know, we, as a group,
are not the coolest.

Oh, look out.

- I don't think they saw us.
- I don't think they did.

You know, for a bunch of researchers,
they sure don't look very carefully.

So I started to tell you something earlier.

There was another reason that I realized
it was time to end it with Joey.

I kind of realized I was starting
to have feelings...

for someone else.

And can I ask who?

I think you know.

I think I know too, but I've been really
wrong about this stuff in the past, so....

- I'm sorry, we can't.
- AII right. AII right.

I mean, you just went out
with my best friend, you know?

I just think it would be a really,
really bad idea.

Or not. I mean...

What?