Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 22 - The One with the Donor - full transcript

Oh, that feels so good.

Oh, lucky me.
Coffee and a live sex show.

- I'm sorry, what?
- I'm sorry.

- Nothing. I was just reading to Emma.
- From Cosmo?

Yeah. Yeah, it's, uh:

"Climax Your Way to Better Skin."

So I have to go shopping today,
which is my least favorite thing.

I'm so bad at picking out clothes.

So you need someone who knows
fashion to, uh, tell you what looks good.

Not me. Not me. Not me.

- Oh, hey, Rach?
- Yeah?



- Maybe you could take Charlie shopping?
- Oh, well...

- I'm sure you have better things to do.
- You kidding?

Rachel loves to shop,
and she has great taste.

She's the one that taught me not
to wear white after Labor Day...

and to always, always, always put
on underwear when trying on clothes.

If you have the time,
I'd really appreciate the help.

Okay. Yeah, let's shop.

Okay, you are gonna come back
with some very classy clothes. Ha-ha-ha.

And some slutty lingerie. Slutty!

Okay, great. All right, bye.

Pain in the ass!

- That's off, right?
- What's the matter, Pheebs?

Ugh, Mike's sister just invited me to
a party tonight and he's gonna be there.

She was like, "Don't worry. I asked him
and he's totally okay with seeing you."



So now I have to go so he'll think
that I'm totally okay with seeing him.

- You're not. You're hung up on him.
- Exactly.

You want him to eat his heart out,
so you have to look fabulous.

I didn't even think about that.

Ugh. Sexual politics!

Pheebs, I'm taking Charlie shopping.

- Come and I'll help you find something.
- That'd be great.

Oh, isn't that nice? The three of you,
trying on slutty lingerie together.

- That's not what we're gonna do.
- Why'd you ruin it? Who was I hurting?

Wow.
Fortunately, she has a very pretty face.

I still can't believe this.
My uterus is an inhospitable environment?

I've always tried so hard
to be a good hostess.

I can't believe my sperm
have low motility.

While I was growing up, they sure
seemed to be in a hurry to get places.

- Hi there.
- Hi.

I'm sorry there wasn't better news
from your tests last week...

but I wanted to talk to you
about your options.

Okay.

Even though your chances of conceiving
through natural means aren't great...

you never know,
so keep having sex on a regular basis.

Oh, damn it!

Don't worry.
After a while, you'll tune it out.

Given your situation, the options
with the greatest chances for success...

would be surrogacy
or insemination using a sperm donor.

Okay.

If you feel that neither of those is
right for you, you could always adopt.

Is that a hint?

Because we love you, Dr. Connelly,
but we don't want you to be our child.

Wow. Talk about
an inhospitable environment.

Hi. Okay, you ready to go pick up
Phoebe and go shopping?

- Let's do it.
- All right, have a good time.

Not gonna find any clothes in there.

- Hey, you guys.
- Hi.

Guess who's up for keynote speaker
at the National Paleontology Conference?

- Uh, Chris Bailey?
- Yeah, right.

When was the last time he made
a submission deadline for an abstract?

Why are you laughing?

Just seeing what it'd be like
to be a paleontologist.

It's fun. Yeah.

- You're up for keynote speaker?
- Yeah.

- Who's deciding?
- Professor Sherman.

- I'm meeting with him today.
- He's a pretty tough guy to impress.

I think I know how to dazzle him.

Oh, you're not gonna to do
a magic trick, are you?

Pfft. No.

- Hey, guys.
- I want to ask you something.

I may get to speak
at this paleontology convention.

If I do, I'd love for you guys
to come and hear me.

I think I can safely say that we all have
family issues, work and/or are sick.

- It's in Barbados.
- But you come first.

I'm there.

- We'll see you guys.
- Bye.

- See you.
- Hey.

- So how did it go at the fertility clinic?
- Not as much fun as last time.

Apparently, you only get porn
if you're giving a sperm sample.

So, uh, what did the doctor say?

There's surrogacy, but Monica's dreamt
her whole life of carrying a child...

and she just felt that watching
a surrogate would be too hard for her.

- So you're ruling out surrogacy?
- Yeah.

So I don't have to learn
what that means?

Aside from adoption, the only
other choice is insemination...

so we're talking about sperm donors.

Enough said. I'm there for you, man.
Where is she, upstairs?

How do you feel about all this?

I wish there was an easier way for us
to have a child, but there isn't one.

Come on, Ross, be a good guy.
Step up and do it.

What?

What? No!
I'm not gonna give them Ben!

The data we're receiving
from MRI scans and DNA testing...

of these fossils are staggering.

Mm-hm.

I mean, we've been accepting
Leakey's dates as a given.

But if they're off
by even a 100,000 years or so...

then you can just throw
most of our assumptions...

you know, right in the trash.

So, what I'm saying is...

Is that...

Is that, uh, repercussions could be huge.

I mean, not just in paleontology,
but if you think about it...

in evolutionary biology,
uh genetics, uh, geology.

I mean, truly, the mind boggles.

Well, that's not what you want.

- Incentive for Men?
- I'll take some of that.

- That's for men.
- I know.

When I go to the party later...

Mike will know I'm over him
because I'll smell like another guy.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, good, I'm dating
a Russian cabdriver.

Seriously, does anyone buy this?
I smell like beets.

I really like those jackets with the
shoulder pads in them. Where are those?

Um, on Melanie Griffith in Working Girl.

Um, I think what you want is over here.

See, I told you I needed someone.

By the way, as a thank you,
I would really love to take you out.

- Really?
- Joey and I are going to a movie tonight.

- You want to come?
- Oh, I can't.

Because I've seen them.

You've seen all the movies?

Yeah. I'm a big fan.

Of the movies.

You know, motion pictures.

The talkies.

Rach, will you come with me
to a dressing room?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Maybe we could do something else.

You know, that depends on what it is.
I've done a lot of stuff.

So, what were you doing out there?
Do you not like Charlie?

She's okay. I don't know, I just don't
get a really good vibe from her.

- Why?
- I don't know.

You know, just the way
she waltzed in here all smart...

and tall, you know...

and just swept Joey off his feet.
Nobody else has a chance.

Who else?

Anybody.

You.

Me.

You know, Monica's mom.

- You like Joey?
- Shh! Phoebe!

All right, look, I do.
I have a little thing for him. Just...

- Oh, my God.
- It's just physical.

I have it totally under control, okay?
It's just when I see them together...

sometimes, I just get a little jealous.

Wow. Isn't that ironic
that he liked you, and now you like...?

I get it!

All right, as long as it's under control.

You can't do anything about it.
He's already dating her.

She is a nice person.
That wouldn't be right.

I know, I know.
So it's just not a big deal.

- So can we keep this between us?
- Sure.

Great, because I gotta get out of here.
The smell of beets is killing me.

- Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin?
- Mm.

- Hi, honey.
- Hey.

I brought a friend home for dinner.
This is Zack from work.

Oh, of course. It's so nice
to see you again, Zack.

- You too.
- You guys haven't actually met before.

But, boy, you're both polite.

Have a seat. I'll get you a beer.

- I got it.
- Thanks.

- So Zack's pretty nice, huh?
- Yeah, I guess.

So how would you like to have a baby
that's half yours and half his?

Excuse me?

We're talking about sperm donors,
and Zack may be the guy.

Look. He's intelligent, he's healthy,
he's athletic. I mean, he's sperm-tastic!

Chandler, this is crazy.
Well, what did you even say to him?

"Come up. Meet my wife.
Give us your sperm."

I invited him to dinner so you'd get
a chance to get to know him.

With a sperm bank, you never
meet the guy, get to check him out.

- Chandler!
- I'm telling you, he's great.

I mean, even if my sperm worked fine,
I think he'd be the way to go.

I'm not going to be a part of this.

You can't bring some random guy home
and expect him to be our sperm donor.

Okay.

- Zack?
- Thanks.

Do you have a coaster?
I don't want to make a ring.

Tell me about yourself, Zack.

Oh, God, do you think she heard?
It'd be so bad if she heard.

Maybe she didn't hear. I'll go into that
dressing room and talk. You stay here.

- See if you can hear me.
- Okay, great.

Oh, thank God,
I can't hear a word that you're saying.

- I didn't say anything yet.
- Well, get back in there and talk.

I'm Rachel.

It's so annoying when I put Emma
on the phone to talk with my friends.

What?

Well, some things are just hard
to say to your face.

Okay, well, I heard that.
Which means that she heard it too.

- We have a problem.
- Oh, what are we gonna do?

Just be honest with her.

Oh, my God!

It is annoying when parents
put babies on the phone.

All right, enough out of you!

- Hello?
- I need to talk to Charlie. Is she there?

No, she, uh, went shopping with Rachel.
Why? What's up?

I'm meeting with Professor Sherman
about my being the keynote speaker.

- How's it going?
- It could be better.

He, um... He fell asleep.

What? But I already bought
my ticket to Bermuda!

- Barbados.
- Fine, I'll rent a car and drive.

You have to get that job.

What am I supposed to do?
He's out cold.

In fact, he was just talking
in his sleep before...

and evidently he wants someone
named Fran to "spank him harder."

- Well, just wake him up.
- I can't.

If he realizes that I'm the one who
put him to sleep, I won't get the job.

Ooh, that's a tough one.

Oh, wait a minute.
This happened to me before.

Yeah, I was auditioning for a play,
and the producer fell asleep. I...

No, wait a minute.

It was me who fell asleep.

I mean, hey, Shakespeare, how about
a chase scene once in a while?

- Hey, guys, dinner's ready.
- I'm gonna go wash up first.

Thanks.

What do you think? I want his genes for
my kid. Those eyes, those cheekbones.

Okay, there's enthusiastic,
and there's just plain gay.

- You don't like him.
- I think he's fine.

But we don't know
anything real about him.

- I wish we could get more information.
- All right, just follow my lead.

- You guys have a great place here.
- Thanks. I'm crazy about our place.

Hey, speaking of crazy...

do you have a history
of mental illness in the family?

Uh, no. Although, I did have an uncle
who voted for Dukakis.

That's really not the kind of thing
we're looking for.

Okay.

So, um, tell me, how'd you guys meet?

Oh, friends first, drunk in London,
you know the story.

I've got a better question for you:

Do you or any of your blood relatives
have diabetes?

No.

Uh, heart disease? Alzheimer's? Gout?

You guys don't have people
for dinner a lot, huh?

We're just making conversation.

Yeah, well, okay.
I heard a joke today. It's pretty funny.

You know what's not funny?
Male pattern baldness.

You guys have shown a lot of interest
in me tonight, and I'm flattered...

and quite frankly, a little frightened.

Can we just talk about something else?

- Sure.
- All right.

This ravioli's delicious.

I notice you're enjoying that ravioli
with a beautiful set of teeth.

Did you have braces as a child?

- No, I didn't.
- Yes!

We're teeth people, Zack.

Let's just do it. Let's just go
over there and see if she heard.

- Good plan.
- Okay.

- What? Where are you going?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Rachel.

I don't have time
for your childish games, okay?

I still have to find something
incredible to wear...

so I can beat Mike
at "Who's More Over Who"!

- Hey. Hi.
- Hey.

- Where have you been?
- Trying on clothes.

Oh, really? In the dressing room?
Well, that's so weird.

Phoebe and I were in the dressing room.
Gosh, it's just such a small world.

Rachel, I heard you
two guys whispering.

Oh, God, you did, you heard.
Okay, look, let me explain.

There's nothing to explain.
I heard you.

Phoebe likes Joey.

Yeah.

I don't understand it.
I mean, Phoebe likes Joey...

and then she's here to buy a dress
to impress another guy?

Yeah, that's Phoebe. That's Phoebe.
You know, she just wants them all.

It's, like, she's nympho.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

You know, by the way, I heard you
tell her not to do anything.

Thanks for sticking up for me.
God, you are such a nice person.

I try.

Oh!

Oh, my God, you really want me
to be the keynote speaker?

Thank you!

You're welcome.

Wow! You look...

stop-eating hot!

Which is like the highest level
of hotness.

Okay, are you sure? Because I am
really dreading going to this party.

Then don't go.

Mike knows I'm coming. If I don't show
up, he'll think it's because of him...

and then I'm gonna lose face.
That's a very serious thing in my culture.

All right, then you go to that party,
and you pretend to be over Mike.

Afterward, you come to my place
and I'll get you good and drunk.

You got it. Okay.

But not on the wine
that you made, okay?

Because I just don't want to go back
to the emergency room.

David?

Phoebe! Hi.

- Oh, my God!
- Hi.

Wow! You look unbelievable.

Oh, yeah, well...

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm back from Minsk.
Uh, permanently.

Well, what happened?

Remember how I was trying
to achieve...

the positronic distillation
of subatomic particles?

Yeah.

Well, after eight years of research,
I discovered...

that it can't be done.

Well...

great that you're back. How are you?

- Good. Good. Life is good.
- Good.

- Well, I'm seeing someone.
- Oh.

- Good for you.
- Yeah.

She's also a scientist,
so she's very smart and pretty and, um...

It's actually because of you
that we're together.

I mean, I saw what you had
with that Mike guy...

and I just said, "Boy, I want that."

- Mike and I broke up.
- You're kidding me.

Because I'm not seeing anybody.
I just totally made that up.

- Really?
- I don't know why, I'm sorry.

I guess I just didn't want
to lose face.

I understand.

Yeah. Okay. So then, okay...

So we're both living in New York,
not seeing anyone.

- That's so not like us.
- Yeah, I know.

Well, this is probably a stupid question,
seeing that you look like that...

but, um, do you have someplace
that you need to be right now?

Well...

No.

- Well, do you want to get a drink?
- I'd love to.

- Great.
- Okay.

Uh, do you smell beets?

Oh, all right, stay upwind of me.

Hey, there's Phoebe.
Is that Mike she's with?

No, that's David.

There's a third guy?

Tip of the iceberg.

I'm gonna take off now.

You're gonna let me go home,
aren't you?

Sure you don't want to stay
a little longer?

No, I should get home.
I'm kind of tired.

Are you always tired?

Because that could be
a sign of clinical depression.

No, it's tiring to figure out the age
at which all my grandparents died.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.

Bye.

I think we found our sperm.

He does seem pretty perfect.

Yeah? You think so?
Should I ask him?

No.

Why not? Just because his
great-grandmother was obese?

Our kid's gonna get that
from you anyway.

No, that's not it.

It's just that when we were asking him
all those questions before...

I just realized I don't care if he
is the most perfect guy in the world.

- He's not you.
- Yeah, he's better!

No, he's not.

If I can't get pregnant with you,
then I don't want to get pregnant by him...

or anyone else.

- Really? Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

Thank God, because I
don't wanna do this either.

I was just doing it because I thought
that was what you wanted.

I'm the husband.
I'm supposed to bring the sperm.

That is so sweet.

I love you.

So you know this leaves us with...

Adoption.

How do you feel about that?

I think I feel okay about it.

Actually, I think I feel
really good about it.

Me too.

I wanna find a baby that needs a home,
and I wanna raise it with you.

And I wanna mess it up
in our own specific way.

So this is it?
We're really gonna adopt?

Yeah.

- Oh, my God! We're gonna be parents!
- We are gonna be great parents.

And it could be soon.

I mean, think about it.
Right now, somewhere out there...

our baby could be being conceived.

Wait. If we're lucky,
and we're really, really, really quiet...

we may be able to hear
the sound of a condom breaking.

Hey, Zack.

Hey, Chandler.

I wanted to apologize for last night.

I got the feeling
we made you uncomfortable.

- No, you didn't.
- Really?

No, you did.

My wife and I have
some boundary issues.

Sometimes we ask
inappropriate questions.

We're working on it.

- Here are the boards for Friday's pitch.
- Thank you.

You wouldn't know if she's planning
on keeping her baby, would you?