Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 1 - The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss - full transcript

The way you crushed Mike at Ping-Pong
was such a turn-on. You wanna...?

You know, I'd love to,
but I'm a little tired.

- I'll put a pillowcase over my head.
- You're on.

- Hey.
- What's up?

Well, Mike's taking a shower, which,
by the way, there's no law against.

And then we're gonna grab some food.
So if you want...

- Finally.
- Is that Ross?

Yeah. You can hear everything
through these stupid walls.

- Sounds like he's with someone.
- He could be alone.

This morning I heard him do pushups
and then talk to his triceps.

Wait a minute, I think Phoebe's right.



Yeah, I hear someone else
in there with him.

- Dr. Geller!
- God, you're amazing.

I didn't even have to ask you
to call me that.

- Oh, my God, that's Charlie!
- She's cheating on Joey with Ross!

Oh, that tart! Floozy! Giant!

- I'm not sure about this.
- Yeah, you're right.

This is none of our business.

I'm not sure it's the best way
to hear everything. Get me a glass!

No, I'm not gonna do this, okay?
I'm not gonna eavesdrop on my friend.

I love Barbados.

I can't believe I'm kissing you.
I'm kissing Rachel!

I know. I'm her.

Rachel and Joey! It's Rachel and Joey!

- What?
- Get over here!



Oh, my God! I love how thin
these walls are!

Thank you.

Hey, before, you said that nothing could
happen between us. What changed?

Well, I only said that because of Ross.

- And then I saw him kissing Charlie.
- What?

Ross and Charlie?

Wow! She's really making her way
through the group, huh?

- Eh, who am I to talk?
- Yeah.

I can't believe this. Rachel and Joey?

How about the dinosaur twins
in the other room?

- No one is manning that wall!
- I'm on it!

- Anything?
- I think I hear curtains closing.

We've got shoes being kicked off
over here.

Bedsprings! Unmistakable!

- You realize that's your brother.
- Not until you said it. Somebody switch!

Wow! Wait a minute.

Ross and Charlie. Joey and Rachel.

Phoebe and Mike. We're the only ones
leaving with the person we came with!

That's not true. I came with Monica,
I'm leaving with Weird Al.

Okay, I've had it with the hair jokes.

- Tomorrow I'm going to the salon.
- Okay, Buckwheat.

You gotta hear this, it's great!
It's like free porn.

- Is everything okay?
- It's just... I don't think I can do this.

Oh, is it because of what might
be on the bed?

- I saw that report, with the infrared...
- No! No.

No.

Look, I need to talk to Joey.
I mean, you guys just broke up.

Before anything more happens between
us, I need to know he's okay with it.

- I completely understand.
- All right, I'm gonna go find him.

I just need a second before I can,
you know....

Grandma, Grandma, Grandma.

- Okay, I'll see you later.
- Okay!

That's the door. He's gone.

And she's turning on the TV...

and watching Miss Congeniality.

Honey? If you know it through a wall,
you know it too well.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

We're just... We're sad to go, so we're
just saying goodbye to the hotel.

I love you...

Paradise Hotel Golf Resort and Spa.

Yeah. We had a great time, thank you.

Bye.

Okay. Hey, have you guys
seen Joey anywhere?

He's probably in his room
with his current girlfriend, Charlie.

That's the situation as we know it.

If you see him, could you tell him
I'm looking for him?

- You got it.
- Thanks.

Thank you.

Other wall, people! Other wall!

- Rach, you there?
- Oh, my God, that's Ross!

- What are we gonna do?
- Okay, just be calm.

For all he knows,
we're just hanging out.

All right? So just be nonchalant.

- That's not nonchalant!
- No idea what it means.

Okay, just hide.

- Rach?
- Coming! Try under the bed.

There's no room under the bed...

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.

- Hey. Do you know where Joey is?
- Hi.

I really don't.

- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Yeah. Sure.

I don't believe this.
Have you guys been...?

This is the listening side of the wall.

Then she told me
that she and Joey had broken up...

and part of the reason
was she had feelings for me.

Right. Yeah.

You know I've wanted to ask Charlie
out since the day I met her.

Oh, I know, I know.
That's been really hard for you.

Anyway, one thing led to another, and...

before you know it, we were kissing.

How angry do you think
Joey's gonna be?

That is hard to say, Ross.
That is hard to say.

I gotta find him.
He's gotta be here someplace.

You would think.

Joey?

- Is he gone?
- How are you doing this?

What? Hey!

What are you...? What is this?
Have you been listening this entire time?

Yeah!

Now, what is this?

What is this? Well, let's see.
We kissed for 10 minutes...

and now we're talking to our friends
about it, so I guess this is sixth grade.

No, no. Have you thought
about how complicated this could get?

- What about Ross?
- Well, he's with Charlie now.

Yeah, but he wants to talk to you
before anything really happens with her.

And as his friend, I mean, don't you
think he deserves the same from you?

You're a pain in my ass, Geller.

Look, we appreciate all the advice...

but this is between Joey and me.
We can handle it.

We'll go. Will you do one thing for us,
the people that care about you?

- Sure.
- Enunciate.

Get out!

Are they right?

Probably, yeah. I mean,
maybe we should...

hold off until we talk to Ross.

Yeah. Yeah. We can wait.
We don't have to do anything tonight.

Yeah, I think that would be best.

So, I'm gonna... I'm gonna take off.

- Although...
- I like "although."

I mean, you know....

Ross and I haven't dated in, like...

six years.

Six years?

Wow. That's almost as long
as high school.

Plus, you know, he is with Charlie now.

Absolutely.

- He's not thinking about you.
- No.

I'm thinking about you.

Yeah.

- Let's forget about Ross.
- It's forgotten.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

Seriously, what is it?

Nothing. It's really... It's nothing.
Come here. Come here.

What's wrong?

Sorry, I just....

I can't seem to get Ross
out of my head.

Well, maybe I can help.

Your lips are so soft. Do that again.

Yeah, we need to talk to Ross. Yeah.

Hey. You guys ready to go?

Not quite. Monica's at the salon,
and I'm finishing packing.

Dude, you're not taking your Bible?

You're not supposed to take that.

Besides, it's a New Testament.
What are you gonna do with it?

Learn about Jesus.

- Hey!
- So did you talk to Joey?

No. I couldn't find him. I'm just
gonna talk to him on the plane.

Okay. Sounds like a good idea,
Dr. Geller.

Stop it.

Ph.D.

You're filthy.

- Hey. Have you guys seen Monica?
- Actually, I think she went to the salon.

Oh, yeah. Oh, she went
to the salon, all right.

Check it out!

Whose day just got better?

Chandler!

Hey!

- What do you think?
- I think....

I think I can see your scalp.

Don't you just love it?

Yeah. Yeah, you got shellfish
in your head.

It's something. You go, girlfriend.

- You never said that in your life.
- Not once.

I thought so.

- Phoebe?
- I'm so glad you did that.

Oh, and listen to this.

What do you know? It's a treat
for the eyes and the ears.

Wow, it's kind of weird that I'm
sitting next to Charlie after we broke up.

Yeah. It's almost as if Air Barbados
doesn't care about your social life.

Does someone mind switching
and sitting with Charlie?

Oh, I mean, l... Dude, I spent
the whole conference with Charlie.

- I understand.
- No, I'll do it.

Wish I could switch. I really don't want
to sit with Allen lverson over there.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Once we're in the air and the
captain turns off the seat belt sign...

you feel free to roam about my cabin.

And you should be careful
when checking your overhead bins.

- Because items may shift during...
- Oh, you're not good at this.

- Do you have to go home tonight?
- No, I think I could come over.

It's Saturday, right?

What?

- I can't do anything tonight.
- Why not?

I have a date.

- You have a date? With who?
- Oh, it's my girlfriend.

- You have a girlfriend?
- Yeah.

Well, when you and I broke up,
I started seeing someone.

- Well, for how long?
- Three months.

Three months?

Okay.

This is none of my business, but how
long are you gonna keep seeing her?

I'll tell her that it's over
tonight at dinner. I promise.

Oh, okay, good. You do that.

When you get home, maybe there'll be a
special delivery package waiting for you.

Maybe I'll sign for it, tear it open.

- Pull out the packing material...
- We'll have sex. Let's leave it there.

It's our last glimpse of Barbados.

And my last glimpse of anything.

All right, I'm gonna go talk to Joey.
I think this is the right time.

He's in a good mood after
the flight attendant says "duty-free."

Okay. Good luck.

You know, if he's not okay with this
then nothing more can happen between us.

I know.

Well, if that's the case,
I just want you to know...

that I think I could have fallen for you
really, really hard.

On the other hand,
if he is okay with us...

then, you know, it's cas, whatever.

Ross is coming over. I think now
would be a good time to talk to him.

I guess so. I'm just...
I'm really nervous.

Well, keep in mind
that by the time you're done...

they'll probably be serving dinner.

Still nervous?

I'm gonna get the lasagna.

- Hey, Rach?
- Yeah?

- Do you mind if I sit here for a sec?
- Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Good luck.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So l....

I kind of need to talk to you
about Charlie.

- Yeah?
- Last night, after you guys broke up....

So sorry to hear about that,
by the way.

Well, Charlie and I were talking, and....

Well....

You kissed.

Wh... What?

What? What would give you that idea?

- I saw you.
- Yeah, we kissed.

But nothing else.
Nothing else happened, okay?

- Ross, Ross, Ross. It's okay.
- What?

It's okay. You know, look...

l totally understand, all right?
You guys...

make way more sense than her
and I ever did, you know? And....

- I want you to be happy.
- Are you serious?

Yeah.

- Now I have something...
- I am speechless.

I mean, the fact that you would put
my happiness first like that, I mean....

You're an incredible friend,
do you know that?

- Well, look, before you go...
- No, I mean it.

I mean, you're so loyal, man.
And selfless and generous.

I am those things, yeah.

I've known Chandler longer, so I think
of him as my best friend. But now...

l may have to rethink some stuff.

Dude!

Hey, if there is ever anything
I can do for you....

I can't think of anything.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

- So hi.
- Hi.

- So you talked to Joey?
- Oh, yeah. We had a really good talk.

- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.

- So everything's okay?
- Oh, no, it's great.

- It's great. He's an amazing guy.
- Oh, well, obviously, I think so too.

Well, I'm so excited about this.

Really? Excited?

What, are you kidding? I have had
some very dirty dreams about this.

Excuse me.

You didn't tell him, did you?

I couldn't. He was saying all
these really nice things about me.

I didn't want him to get mad and take
them back. I'm gonna edge out Chandler!

Fine. Forget it. When we go back
to New York, I will tell him.

Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that.

- Hi, Mike's place.
- Hey, it's Mike.

- That was fast.
- Oh, no, she's not here yet.

You know, I'm just gonna take off
and break up with her over the phone.

You can't do that. Oh, come on, Mike,
strap on a pair.

Why don't you tell her that we got back
together. Women appreciate honesty.

We also appreciate gentle spanking
once in a while, just FYl.

One more thing. There might be a picture
of Precious on my coffee table.

Her name's Precious?

Is she a pure breed,
or did you pick her up at the pound?

- I just want to give you a heads up.
- Okay. And if she gets upset...

just scratch her tummy
and give her a liver snap.

What do you know,
another hot blonde.

Hi. I'm Precious. Who are you?

- I'm Phoebe.
- Phoebe?

Mike's ex-girlfriend, Phoebe?
The love of his life? That Phoebe?

Oh, I can't wait for everyone
at work to see these!

- You go back to work tomorrow night?
- Yeah.

So if you want people to see them...

you're not having them taken out,
say, at the break of dawn?

Well, if I had them taken out,
then I wouldn't be able to do this.

You like that, right?

- What are you singing?
- It's "Bolero" from 10.

It's "Ride of the Valkyries"
from Apocalypse Now.

Here's the thing. The cornrows were
a solution to your frizzy-hair problem.

Now that we're home, you don't have
that problem. If you think about it....

I hate them.

- What? You said you liked them.
- Did l? Let's refresh.

I believe what I said was
that I could see your scalp.

Well, fine. So you don't like them.
Everybody else does.

Again, let's journey back.

As I recall, Rachel said she had never
noticed the shape of your skull before.

And Joey? Well, Joey didn't realize
there was anything different.

You know what? I don't care.
I like it, and I'm gonna keep it.

You're just jealous
because your hair can't do this.

- Get yourself in the tooth?
- And the eye.

Hi! There she is! Hi, Emma.
Oh, my God, I missed you.

Oh, Emma, I missed you so much. Hi.

Did you have a good time
with Grandma Greene? Huh?

Did she give you a bottle of
antidepressants again to use as a rattle?

That was one time, Ross,
and they were only, like, five milligrams.

Hey, Emma, Daddy has some presents for
you, okay? I want you to wait right here.

Come here, sweetie.

Ross, actually, there's something
that I really need to talk to you about.

Okay, shoot.

- Okay. All right, here's the deal.
- Oh, no!

- What is it?
- Oh, major shampoo explosion!

- Look, Ross, this really isn't easy.
- Oh, it's all over everything!

Why? Why me?

Because you took 300 bottles
of shampoo?

I guess things were
just going too well for me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You were saying?

- Well, yeah. Look, it's about me and...
- Oh, not another one!

Oh, my God... Oh, and this is moisturizer!
It's even harder to clean!

Why? Why do bad things happen
to good people?

- Wow. Clearly this is not a good time.
- You think?

Okay. Bye.

All right, so Mike's on his way over.

You thought you were meeting here,
he thought at the restaurant, so....

It doesn't matter who's right or wrong.
The point is, I'm gonna take off.

Wait. I'm not letting you leave until
you tell me what's going on. I mean...

are you guys getting back together
or something?

All right.

Susie... Can I call you Susie?

My name is Precious.

I can't say that.

Susie, I'm gonna be straight with you.

Mike and I are back together.
And unfortunately...

that effectively ends
your relationship with him.

He's very sorry about that, and wishes
you the best luck in all your endeavors.

I just can't believe this. Why?

- Well, I don't...
- Why would he do this?

- What's wrong with me?
- There's nothing wrong with you.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Damn it, woman! Pull yourself together!

Have some pride, for the love of God!

Okay, not a fan of the tough love.

I just can't believe that Mike
didn't give me any warning.

He didn't know. He wasn't planning on
coming to Barbados and proposing to me.

He proposed to you?
This is the worst birthday ever!

Look, Precious....

Mike's not worth this.
You're an attractive, intelligent woman...

and let's face it,
Mike's kind of a wang.

He proposed to me
while he was still seeing you.

He was gonna break up with you
on your birthday?

I don't like to kiss and tell, but
he cheated on you a lot this weekend.

Oh, my God, you know, maybe
you're right. Maybe I don't need him.

I deserve to be treated with respect.

Screw you, Mike. You're a coward
and a bastard, and I hope you rot in hell!

You're welcome.

Honey? You've been in there
for a long time. Is everything okay?

Not really.

I have a problem.

Really? What happened?

Well, I was dancing around
and singing "No Woman, No Cry"...

and I got stuck.

- You can't move at all?
- Oh, I can move.

If I untangle you, will you please
get rid of the cornrows?

I guess so.

- Some of these look a little frayed.
- Yeah, I tried to gnaw myself free.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- So? Did you tell Ross?
- Well, I tried...

but then he had
a shampoo-related emergency.

- So I guess now it's your turn again.
- No, no, no, no.

I think it's better if you tell him.
You know, it's easier for a woman.

That way, you know, if he gets mad,
all you have to do is go:

"l didn't mean it.

I'm so sorry."

Yeah, because that's what we do.

All right, all right, okay. How about this?
How about this? Tomorrow....

Tomorrow we'll both go
and we'll tell him together.

Okay, that sounds fair.

- That just means, once again, we can't...
- I know.

That's okay. I mean, we can
control ourselves. We're not animals.

- No! Of course, we can wait.
- Yeah.

All right, so I guess
that means good night then.

Yep. Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

- Seriously, good night.
- Stop saying good night.

I'm so sorry.

Look what I found in the drawer.

And you said I'd never wear this.

Now that I untangled you, how about
you do a little something for me?

- Sure. What did you have in mind?
- I think you know.

- Really? I don't... I don't really feel like it.
- This is what I want to do.

Okay.

I just don't get why you like it so much.

She's an FBl agent posing
as a beauty contestant!