Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 17 - The One with the Cheap Wedding Dress - full transcript

The caterer sent me this list of 12
appetizers. I have to narrow it to six.

Food? Oh, give me.

Did Monica mention we're trying to get
The Swing Kings to play the wedding?

You're into swing music?

I used to go all over town
listening to bands.

- Chandler?
- Gap commercial.

- Did you book them? Did you call?
- I will.

- You want me to call?
- I'll do it. You stick to your job.

- What is your job?
- Staying out of the way.

This is impossible.
Why don't you just pick all 15.

- There were only 12.
- Oh, yeah, I added three.



What are peanut-butter fingers?

The One With the
Cheap Wedding Dress

Well, hello.

She's cute.

Should we go try to talk to her?

Sure. Being engaged, I'm not nervous
talking to pretty girls anymore.

Could you guys help me?

Yeah, let me get that for you.

- It's really heavy.
- I got it.

So hi, I'm Ross,
and this is my friend Chandler.

I'm Kristen.

Kristen, hi. Are you new to the area?

Because if you are, I'd love
to show you around sometime.

I actually just moved
from four blocks over.



But this block is like another world.

Actually, it does have
a very interesting history.

This street is the first in the city
to have an underground sewer system.

Before that, sewage and waste...

would just flow
right down the street.

Sometimes ankle-deep.

Smooth.

Excuse me?

You're gonna be starving after moving.
What do you say I take you to dinner?

- I'd like that.
- Great.

Let me take this up.

- After you.
- Oh, no. After you.

Oh, my God!

Am I crazy, or does this totally go?

Oh, my God! You look so beautiful!

Thank you, Rachel.
But look at Monica!

This is it. Yeah, this is the one.

I can't believe I found it.

Wow, you look so beautiful.
If I knew you, I'd cry.

I'm Monica Geller. Ball like a baby.

I'm Megan Bailey.

- Have you found your dress?
- These dresses are amazing...

but I couldn't afford one.
- I can't either.

I'm here to figure out which one I
want, then I'll get it at Kleinman's.

They're having a huge sale.

- Thanks for the tip.
- When are you getting married?

- I'm not. I just like to try these on.
- I do the same thing.

I'm just kidding.
I'm getting married July 25.

I'm just kidding too.

I'm getting married in December.

- When are you getting married?
- May 15.

It's getting close.
Who's your photographer?

- Jeffrey.
- We met with him.

- Did he show you nude wedding photos?
- The best man? Wow!

I know.
I almost called off my wedding.

- Who's your band?
- My fianc? wants The Swing Kings.

You're lucky. My fianc? wants
the heavy metal band, Carcass.

Is that spelled with a C or a K?
It doesn't matter, they're both great!

Oh, don't buy that here.

Now that you know what you want,
go to Kleinman's.

This place is so overpriced.

I own this store.

So does this come
in another color, or...?

Hi. You moving in or moving out?

- Moving in.
- Can I give you a hand?

Okay, but be careful. Guy who was helping
me had to leave because he hurt his back.

- Boyfriend?
- No.

I'm Joey.

Kristen.

What a beautiful name.

What is it again?

Kristen.

- You live around here?
- Right down there.

Let me give you a little tip.

Don't take a nap on this stoop.
You could wake up with your shoes gone.

I'll remember that.

Listen, would you like
to have dinner with me tonight?

I have plans tonight.
How about tomorrow?

Sounds great.
Well, where does this go?

You look strong. Why don't I take that,
and you grab one of the boxes.

Yeah, I'll get this one.

So this is Brooklyn?

Listen up. There's usually only
one dress in each size.

So when they open those doors,
fan out.

This is what you're looking for.
Memorize it.

When you locate the dress,
blow on these, all right?

Three sharp blasts.
When you hear it, come running.

Here he comes!

- They're pushing!
- Don't be a baby!

- Out of the way!
- Let's go!

Rachel?! Come on!

No, not it. Not it. Not it.

Don't crowd me.

This is it! This is the dress!
It's perfect!

I'm sorry, this one's taken!

- Megan!
- Monica!

- You came!
- Yeah!

- This is my dress!
- No!

- Yes it is. You saw me wearing it.
- And now you'll see me buying it.

You freak!

You wouldn't even know
about this place without me.

- Look, you don't want to fight me.
- Maybe I do. I'm pretty feisty!

- I'm coming! I'm coming!
- Hey!

Okay! Hey? Oh, what do I do?!

What are you doing?
Did you find the dress?

Did you find the dress?

No. Get me out of here.
These shoppers are crazy.

- We've gotta get Monica.
- You gotta hold my hand!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Go! Go! Go!

So, Ross, how was your date
the other night?

Did you tell her about the magical
ride that starts with every flush?

Laugh all you want, but she said
she'd like to go out again.

In fact, I'll go call her right now.

And I'll make sure and tell her my
friend Chandler says...

Sorry I didn't stop by last night,
but I had a date.

When it's 1:00 in the morning and you
don't come by, that's okay.

It was with this really hot girl who
just moved in right across the street.

- Really? Right across the street?
- Yeah.

- When did you meet her?
- Two days ago.

Excellent!

You know, Ross met somebody too.

- Hey.
- How'd it go?

Great. We're going out again Saturday.

But I just found out she's
also seeing some other guy.

Really?

Joe, what would you do
if you were in Ross' situation?

I sort of am. I'm dating this girl
who's also seeing another guy.

But I'm not worried about it.

You shouldn't be. I wouldn't want
to be the guy who's up against you.

I mean, that doofus is going to lose.

So this is nice.

I wish I didn't have to go.
Believe me.

But I have to.

By the way, what's the name
of the girl you're dating?

- Kristen Leigh.
- Bye.

Well, obviously only one of us
can keep dating her.

Obviously. So how do we decide?

Well, now,
let's look at this objectively.

I think I should date her.

Or I'm the one who dates her.

That's interesting.
But check this out. I date her.

Okay, but to go
in another direction...

Okay. This can go on for a while.

- We should order some food, then.
- No, Joey.

Look, why don't we
just let her decide, okay?

We'll each go out with her
one more time.

And we'll see who she likes best.

That sounds fair.

Maybe I'll take her
to that new French restaurant.

Wait a second. We have
to set a spending limit on the date.

I don't have the money to take her
to a fancy place like that.

Well, sorry.
That's what I do on dates.

Well, I guess I'll just have to do
what I do on dates.

- So let's decide on a spending limit.
- Yeah.

And a slice...

$6?

- I was thinking more like 100.
- Okay.

Can I borrow $94?

I know. Can you hand me a tissue?

You're out of Diet Coke.

Hello?

What? You what?

You listen here, missy!

That was Megan. She booked The Swing
Kings on the day of our wedding...

and said I couldn't have them back
unless I gave her the dress!

Does that mean Carcass is available?

What am I gonna do? That's the dress!
That is the dress!

Chandler wants the band.
What do I do?

- Figure out a way to talk him out of it.
- How?

You're out of toilet paper!

I wanted to wish you good luck
on your date.

- Thanks.
- What time are you meeting?

We have 8:00 reservations
at Grand Merci Bistro.

That's in 20 minutes.
You'd better get dressed.

- I am dressed.
- Oh, well, good.

For me.

What's this?
Did you give yourself a facial?

I have an oily T-zone.

Okay, dude.

- You sent Kristen flowers?
- That's right.

You spent $ 100.
That's the limit. You're screwed!

I sent the flowers before
the actual date, so technically...

I didn't break any rules.

Thanks for stopping by, though.

That's the way it's gonna be?
I can break the rules too.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

- Why am I not surprised?
- Not gonna let you get away with this.

- I don't think you have much choice.
- We'll see!

Hey! So, just a light layer?

Yeah, just here and there.

Joey got meat sauce
on the banister again.

Swing music is so out.

He's gotta be in the room
for that to work.

What are you guys talking about?

We're talking about The Swing Kings...

and wondering whether they're
the right way to go.

I went to a wedding once
where they had swing music...

and two months later,
the couple divorced.

I'm not saying
there's any connection here...

but they did tell me
that's why they got divorced.

But I love swing music!

But The Swing Kings?

They suck so much that people die at
their concerts. They just stop living.

All I know is that when Monica
and I went to see them, we had fun.

And there's another reason.

- Well, what is the other reason?
- I don't want to say.

Well, you have to
because maybe it's stupid.

It's just, while Monica and I
were dancing to them...

it was the first time
I knew that...

you were the woman that I wanted
to dance all my dances with.

Oh, crap.

- Our table will be ready in a few minutes.
- Oh, great.

- Is your back feeling better?
- Yeah, that's fine.

I guess the more muscles you have...

the more they can
spasm out of control.

- Kristen?
- Joey!

- What are you doing here?
- I like this place.

And technically, I'm not
breaking any rules, so...

Well, Ross, this is Joey.
Joey, Ross.

- Hi.
- Hi. It's nice to meet you.

I used to have a friend named Joey.

I don't anymore.

Our table will be ready
in a couple minutes.

Sure, I would love
to wait with you guys! Thanks!

So, Joey, you look familiar.

Are you on TV or something?

Joey doesn't like to talk about it...

but he's one of the stars
of Days of Our Lives.

That's right. Don't you play a woman?

A woman in a man's body.

Much better.

It's funny, because you
look familiar to me too.

Have you ever been married?

Yes, I have.

In fact, just the other day...

Kris and I were talking about how
I've been married and how I have a son.

- Little Eric.
- That's right. Wait. No, Ben.

So you've just been married
the one time, then?

- Well...
- You've been married twice?

Yes. And...

another time after that.

Boy, I'm getting hungry.

Have you ever been so hungry
on a date...

that when the girl goes to the
bathroom, you eat her food?

You said the waiter ate my crab cake.

So, Ross, now why did
that first marriage break up?

Was it because the woman was straight
or because she was a lesbian?

- Do you two know each other?
- No.

Just seems like Ross is the kind of guy
who'd marry a woman...

on the verge of being a lesbian
and then push her over the edge.

Wait a minute!
Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?

Have you ever slept
in the same bed with a monkey?

You leave Marcel out of this!

Fine! You ever gotten stuck
in a pair of your own leather pants?

Have you ever locked yourself
in a TV cabinet, VD-boy?

Monkey-lover!

Where do you think we lost her?

Probably around gonorrhea.

Geller, table of two?

- You hungry?
- Does a bear shit in the woods?

- Hi, honey, I'm home!
- Don't come in here!

Why, do you have another
boyfriend in there?

No. We only mess around at his place.

I started it, but now it's scaring me,
so could you come out here, please?

No, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

You got a wedding dress?

- Yeah, but I'm not keeping it.
- Then why can't I see it?

Oh. I guess you can.

But I have to return it,
so you can't like it.

Okay, I promise. I'll hate it.

Wow. You look hideous.

Really?

Yeah. That's like the most
ugliest dress I've ever seen.

Why do you have to return it?

Because it doesn't really fit.

Oh, by the way, I
booked The Swing Kings.

Oh, that's great. Thanks.

But that dress is terrible.

- It makes me want to rip it off you.
- Okay.

But you can't rip it.

Well, maybe a little.

Guys, you want to look
at the song list for the wedding?

Guys?

I thought you were
gonna be gone all day.

All right, what's going on?

I'm sorry. I should probably
leave you girls alone.

Laugh all you want, but in 10 minutes,
we'll have younger-looking skin.

You know, she could use a little...

Oh, nice shot! Yeah!