Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 16 - The One with the Truth About London - full transcript

- Hi.
- Hi! Hi, Ben.

- Hi.
- We have a bathroom emergency.

Go ahead.

Before we do, are any of Joey's
special "romance" magazines in there?

- No.
- Okay, all clear.

Thanks, Phoebe.

That's Rachel.

But whatever.

- Everything okay in there?
- Don't talk to me now.

Just like his daddy.

Could you do me a big favor?



I have a meeting
at the dean's office.

Can you watch Ben for an hour?

- What about Monica?
- She isn't home.

So it would just be me alone?

Ben would be there.

What's the matter?

I've never done that before.
Me and him, alone.

He's not an ex-con.

Okay, okay...

- What do I do with him?
- I don't know, talk to him.

Entertain him. Keep him alive.

- Okay.
- Ben, come here.

I'm gonna leave you here with
Aunt Rachel for about an hour, okay?

Gonna be okay?



- I think so.
- I wasn't talking to you.

- I'll be okay.
- Okay. I'll see you soon, buddy.

- Be back in an hour.
- Bye Dad.

- So this is fun, huh?
- Not really.

- Okay. Want something to drink?
- Okay.

Great. All right,
how do you feel about Diet Coke?

- I'm not allowed to have soda.
- Okay.

Well, that's pretty much all
that we have.

Have you ever had a virgin margarita?

What's a virgin?

Water it is.

The One With The
Truth About London

What about the second minister?
I kind of liked him.

- You mean the spitter?
- Come on. He wasn't that bad.

Easy for you to say,
you'd be wearing a veil.

- And the third guy?
- He kept staring at your chest.

Can you blame him?

I don't like the idea of
me saying, "I do"...

while he's thinking,
"I'd do it too."

- Well, then we still have a problem.
- With what?

We need someone to perform our wedding
but they're all boring or annoying...

or keep staring at the ladies.

You should have one of us do it.

We're getting "married" married,
not "6th-grade" married.

No, it's a real thing.

Anyone can be ordained on the Internet
and perform weddings and stuff.

- Are you serious?
- A friend of mine did it. It's totally legal.

I call it!

What? It was my idea!

Thank you very much, but neither
of you is marrying us.

Does calling it not mean
anything anymore?

We're having a legitimate
clergy member.

And when I say legitimate,
I mean gay...

and in control of his saliva.

- Is that lemon poppy seed?
- You don't want these. They're stale.

- I'm leaving them outside for the pigeons.
- I call them!

Ben, you know, when you were a baby...

we'd hang out all the time.

I was your daddy's girlfriend.

But you're not anymore.

- No, I'm not.
- Because you guys were on a break...

Hey, we were not on a...

That's fine. You know what Ben?

One day when you are a lot older,
I'm gonna tell you that entire story...

over a real pitcher
of margaritas. Okay?

- When's my daddy coming back?
- Fifty-two minutes.

So no brothers or sisters, huh?

That must be nice.
You don't have to share stuff.

Sharing is good.

You're one of those.

You know what, I had two sisters
and we just tortured each other.

- Really? Like how?
- Well, you know, we would...

we'd repeat everything
the other said...

or we'd jump out of closets
to scare each other...

or switch the sugar with salt
so they put salt on their cereal.

That's a good one.

- Yeah, you like that one?
- Yeah, you're funny.

I'm funny?

Oh, thank God.

Well, hey, I got a ton of these.

You want a good one?
Here's a good one.

You take a quarter...

and you blacken the edge, right?

And then you say,
"I bet you can't roll this quarter...

to your chin without it
leaving your face."

And when they do it, they're left with
a line down the center of their face.

Can I do it to you?

I'm funny, Ben, but I'm not stupid.

So did you find anyone
to marry you yet?

No, but "Horny for Monica" minister
called...

wondering if we're still together.

- We'll never find anybody.
- Then let me do it.

- Joey...
- I've been thinking.

I'm an actor, so I won't
get nervous in front of people.

- Joey, please...
- No, no, no.

I won't spit and I won't stare
at Monica's breasts.

Everyone knows I'm an ass man.

- That's true.
- The most important thing...

is, it won't be some stranger
who barely knows you.

It'll be me. And I swear,
I'll do a really good job.

Plus, I love you guys and it
would really mean a lot to me.

- Well, we haven't found anybody else.
- Might be kind of cool.

- So I can do it?
- Yeah, you can do it.

All right! Okay!

Okay, I gotta get started
on my speech.

Wait a minute.

Internet ministers
can have sex, right?

- Hey, Pheebs. How's it going?
- I have a headache. A horrible headache.

- I'm sorry. Can I get you something?
- Oh, my God, you've got to stop chattering.

Here, take a couple of these.

- What is it?
- It's Hexedrin.

Oh, no,
I don't believe in Western medicine.

If you just apply pressure
to these points right here...

Then your hands starts to hurt and
you still have a headache, so thanks.

While we're waiting for these pills to kick
in, I'm gonna sit you down on the couch.

Come on. Get some nice soft pillows
under your head.

I'm gonna turn the TV on.
You can watch whatever you want.

Sit down. I'm gonna make you some tea,
and then I'm gonna rub your feet.

My head!

Coming.

I have a bone to pick with you.

- Uh-oh.
- Yes.

Ben learned a little trick.

- Oh, did he pull the old...?
- That's right. That's right.

Saran wrap on the toilet seat...

so the pee goes everywhere.

- Oh, that.
- Yeah, that.

You know I hate practical jokes.

They're mean, they're stupid and
I don't want my son learning them.

Saran wrap on the toilet seat?
Isn't that just a little funny?

- I was barefoot.
- Oh.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

You're not laughing with someone,
you're laughing at them.

And laughing at someone is not nice.

So you're one of those too.

Tell me, the toilet thing is the
only thing you taught him, right?

Yes.

It' amazing.
My headache is completely gone.

- What were those pills called?
- Hexedrin.

I love you Hexedrin.

Oh, look, it comes with a story.

Phoebe, those are like
the side effects and stuff.

Say what?

You know, the possible side effects.

Oh, my God.

"Dizziness. Nervousness. Drowsiness.

Facial swelling. Nausea. Headache..."

Headache.

"Vomiting. Stomach bleeding.
Liver damage."

I don't recall any of these coming up when
you gave me these little death capsules.

Oh, I'm sorry.
"Extra strength" death capsules.

None of that ever happens. They
just put it on there for legal reasons.

Why?

In case it happens.

- Hey.
- Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani.

- You got ordained?
- Yeah.

Just got off the Internet.
Man, there's a lot of porn out there.

Our minister.

I can now officially marry
anybody I want.

Hey, you guys seem happy. If you ever
want to get marry, you give me a call.

If not, you give me a call.

I have liver damage.

Phoebe, your liver is right here.

Okay, well, then I must be disoriented.

I started on what I'm gonna say
for the ceremony. Want to hear it?

Listen, this is just
the first draft, so...

"We are gathered here today
on this joyous occasion...

to celebrate the special love
that Monica and Chandler share.

It is a love based on
giving and receiving...

as well as having and sharing.

And the love that they give
and have is shared and received.

And through this having and giving...

and sharing and receiving...

we too can share and love
and have...

and receive."

Should we call the spitter?

- Hey, Rachel.
- Hi.

What a surprise.
What are you doing here?

I was just in the neighborhood...

and I passed by your building and
thought, "What's up with Carol...

and sweet little Ben?"

- That's nice. Well, come on in.
- Okay.

I'll make some coffee
and we can chat.

I'd love that.
I would love that.

So where is sweet little Ben?

I would love to have a little...

I found him!

Very funny. Come here.

That is exactly why I've
come here to talk to you, okay?

- Rachel, you want sugar?
- Yes, but...

Do I want sugar in my coffee?

No, just some milk would
be good, Carol. Thanks.

Remember all that stuff
I taught you yesterday?

"Remember all that stuff
I taught you yesterday?"

- Don't do that.
- "Don't do that."

- Your dad doesn't like pranks.
- "Your dad doesn't like pranks."

- Oh, damn it!
- "Oh, damn it!"

No! Don't say that.

- Damn it!
- Go back to repeating.

- Damn it!
- Oh, crap!

"Oh, crap!"

I feel like my face is swelling.
Is my face swelling?

Phoebe, your face is fine. None of
this stuff is gonna happen to you.

- Stop being a baby.
- Interesting you should call me that...

now that I may never have one.

Okay, I got some more written, ready?

Yeah, okay.

"When I think of the love that these
two givers and receivers share...

I can't help but envy the lifetime
ahead of having and loving...

and giving..." And then I can't
think of a good word for right here.

- How about "receiving"?
- Yes!

See, Joe, not that that's not great...

but one cool thing about having
a friend perform the ceremony...

is that it can be about us.

It can be more personal.
You can tell stories about us.

Like the time you
and I went to Atlantic City...

and I made you laugh so hard
you threw up your whole steak?

No.

Not us.

Us.

I got you. Sorry.

So did you ever make him throw up
a whole anything?

Did you ever feed him a poison capsule
that made him bleed from the eyes?

It doesn't say that.

Suddenly somebody knows all
about the side effects.

Joey, we want you to tell stories,
but romantic stories, nice stories.

Okay! Maybe I'll talk about London,
when you hooked up.

Only I won't say "hooked up"...

I'll say, "began their
beautiful journey...

- There you go... by doing it."

- Joe.
- Okay, all right.

So how did it happen?
Did your eyes meet across the room...

then you're in the bathtub
and she's feeding you strawberries?

- Isn't that what happened to you?
- Yeah!

I call that "London style."

That didn't happen with us.

Maybe you should say it is,
because "London style" sounds nice.

Okay, uh...

I was sad that night because
this guy thought I was Ross' mom.

And Chandler was really sweet
and he consoled me and...

- we drank too much.
- Yeah, baby.

I was a gentleman and I walked her to
her hotel room and said good night.

- But then, later that night...
- Yeah, baby.

Cute P.J.s. Really living it up
here in London, huh?

Well, I wasn't exactly
expecting company after...

9:15.

Is Joey here?

Last I saw he was with a bridesmaid
and a bucket of strawberries.

You're not still upset about
what that guy told you, are you?

Wouldn't you be?

It's been a really emotional time
and you've had a lot to drink...

You have to let that go, okay?

You were the most beautiful
woman in the room tonight.

Really?

You kidding? You're the most
beautiful woman in most rooms...

Whoa, what's going on?

We just made out.

- We're making out?
- Not anymore.

- But we don't do that.
- I know, I thought it would be fun.

How drunk are you?

Enough to know I want to do this. Not
so much that you should feel guilty.

That's the perfect amount.

- You know what's weird?
- What?

- This doesn't feel weird.
- I know.

- You're a really good kisser.
- Well, I have kissed over four women.

Want to get under the covers?
Okay.

Wow, you are really fast!

It bodes well for me
that speed impresses you.

- We're gonna see each other naked.
- Yep.

- At the same time?
- Count of three?

One, two, three.

Well, I think it's safe to say
our friendship is effectively ruined.

Eh, we weren't that close anyway.

Joey, Joey, Joey...!

Hey.

Hey, Joe.
I was just watching a movie...

Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.

No!

It's cool, I'm still
with my bridesmaid.

Where are the condoms?

In my bag over there.

Could you leave me one?

For just you?

Yeah.

Why don't you come downstairs with me.
There's some really nice girls down there.

No, I'm fine.

All right. There you go, buddy.

Go nuts.

That's what that was?

Because that other thing, I thought you were
onto something. But it did nothing for me.

Can we change the topic?
Because it's really doing nothing for me.

If I hadn't left you one, you two
might've never gotten together.

Imagine if I had sent that hooker
like I was gonna?

It's like it was in the stars.

Yeah, totally meant to be.

Tell him who you originally
wanted to hook up with that night.

- What?
- What?

What?

Who did you originally
want to hook up with?

Okay, fine, but please don't be upset.

I was really depressed, okay?
And really drunk.

I wanted something stupid and
meaningless. I just wanted sex.

So, when I went to your
room that night...

I was actually looking for Joey.

Yeah, baby.

No, baby.

Oh, my God.

You came looking for Joey?

- Were you planning on telling me this?
- No, I didn't think it was important.

It's not important?
It's not important?

If it wasn't for a bridesmaid,
you'd be marrying him not me.

No. The point is,
it was you that was there that night.

It is you that I'm marrying.
It is you that I fell in love with.

And it is a love that is based
on having and giving and receiv...

Weird. The most romantic night
of my life and I'm runner-up.

Do you know how unbelievably
glad I am that Joey wasn't there?

Hey!

I'm a man of the cloth,
but I still have feelings.

There's no way you're
doing this wedding now, okay?

What? That's not fair.
It's not my fault.

I was with my bridesmaid.

And who's to say
I would've said yes?

I mean, I would've said yes.

You are making way too
big a deal out of this.

Everything worked out okay.

It's just weird, okay?

I don't want to be saying my vows with
the mental image of you and Monica.

I need... I don't know what I need.
I need a walk.

- Wait, Chandler, it's not a big deal.
- It is to me.

You wanted to sleep with Batman
and settled for Robin.

- This is crazy.
- No, Robin is so gay.

Phoebe, what were you thinking?
How could you tell him that?

I don't know.
I'm sorry, it just came out.

It's a side effect.

- So now what have we agreed?
- No more pranks.

- What else?
- You and Daddy were not on a break.

Very good.

Rachel, what are you doing here?

I'm just visiting
my good friend Carol.

- Your good friend?
- Yeah.

What's her last name?

Carol...

- Lesbian.
- Nice.

- By the way, that line down my face...
- What line?

"What Line?"
The line that prompted a student...

in my last class of the day to say:

"Dude, don't you ever wash your face?"

All right I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

- But you were so mad already.
- Of course I was mad.

I told you I hate this stuff. Okay?
It's not funny.

- Hey, Ross.
- Hi.

- What's not funny?
- Practical jokes.

Well, I think they're funny.

- You have a line down your face.
- What?

- Okay, maybe they're not funny to you...
- Oh, my God!

Or Carol.

But they're funny to kids.
And who is it hurting?

I'll tell you who it hurts. It hurts the kid
who has all his clothes stolen in gym class...

so he has to go to the principal's office
wearing nothing but a catcher's mitt.

That was you?

We heard about you in junior high.

Did you really just shake your fist in
the air and shout, "I will be revenged!"

I will be!

I don't want you teaching my son
that stuff anymore.

- Okay?
- Fine. Fine.

Once I taught him that stuff,
he called me "fun Aunt Rachel."

And I loved being fun Aunt Rachel.

But I'll go back to being boring
and uncomfortable Aunt Rachel.

No, it's not what I want.

I'm glad you guys were bonding but...

Look, he doesn't have any siblings.

Somebody has to teach him this stuff.

I haven't taught him anything
a normal 6-year-old doesn't know.

- Crap!
- I gotta go.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You want this scone? It came for me
but it would rather sleep with you.

Nothing even happened.

- Look, I know you want to do the wedding...
- No. If you don't want me to do it...

I accept that. I don't care about that.
I just don't want you to be upset.

How can I not be upset?

I finally fall in love
with this fantastic woman...

and it turns out
she wanted you first.

Yeah, for like a half an hour
one night.

Chandler, she wants you
for the rest of her life.

You're so lucky.

Look what I missed out on
by not being there.

Although, you know what?

It could never have worked out
like you guys did.

Because you guys are perfect
for each other.

We look at you and we
see you together, and it just...

it fits, you know?

And you just know
it's gonna last forever.

That's what you should say.

What?

When you're marrying us,
that's what you should say.

Really? I could do it?

I'd love you to do it.

Hey.

But those are the words.
Those exact words.

Well, I don't remember exactly but...

it's pretty much about having
and giving and sharing and receiving.

I'm sorry to do this to you again...

but could you look after Ben
for a little bit?

I've got this meeting at school.

And he asked for his "fun" Aunt Rachel.

Well, of course I will watch him.
We have fun, don't we, Ben?

- Okay, see you later, pal.
- Okay.

- Wait a minute. Ben, I can't do it.
- What?

Can't let him go out that way.
He's got a meeting.

- You got something here on your back.
- What?

That's great. That is great.

What did we just finish
talking about, Ben?

"What did we just finish
talking about, Ben?"

All right, that's it. Come here.
You are in big trouble young man!

Ben, come here! I am not kidding!

You gotta stop doing...

My God!

- So you guys doing okay?
- Yeah.

We talked and Monica made me
see that I overreacted a little bit.

- Some things are more important.
- Yeah, baby.

I'm really glad you guys are okay,
but I just keep thinking...

what would've happened
if you two had hooked up.

Honey, dinner's ready!

What's my little chef
got for me tonight?

Your favorite.

Fried stuff with cheese.

And lots of it!

Thanks, sweetheart.

Give me a little sugar...

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

How you doing?

Here you go.

Oh, my God.

This is a six-hour pill.

That's it! I'm out of the woods.

What a relief.

Good for you.

It's like a huge
weight has been lifted.

Because, look,
no hair loss, no rash, no hives.

I'm just so happy!

Because, no shortness of breath,
no temporary euphoria...