Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 15 - The One with Joey's New Brain - full transcript

Thanks for coming by.

We wanted to bounce some ideas off
of you about the wedding ceremony.

- What's the matter? Are you okay?
- It's just...

Monica said, "wedding."

We thought one of you
could read something.

I would love to read a poem.

Do you think you could
get through a poem?

A short one.

Okay, so Ross will
be doing the reading.

Okay, yeah, I guess I can do that too.

Too?



I kind of have something else
planned for you guys.

- Do you mind telling us what it is?
- Sorry.

I'm kind of keeping this one
on the q. T.

Whatever it is,
I hope it involves winking.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I talked to one of the DOOL writers...

- What is DOOL?
- Days of Our Lives.

You're not gonna believe it. My
character is coming out of his coma!

- That's wonderful.
- Wow, Joey.

And not only that,
I'm getting a new brain!

So great things are happening at work
and in your personal life.

You're getting a new brain?

They're killing off
one of the characters on the show...

and her brain is being transplanted
into my body.



What? A brain transplant?

Yes, it's a highly
controversial procedure.

It's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous that you haven't
had sex in three and a half months.

It's winter.
There are fewer people on the street.

Who are they killing off?

Cecilia Monroe.
She plays Jessica Lockhart.

No!

She's my favorite character on DOOL.

Nice.

She is so good at throwing drinks
in people's faces.

I don't think I've ever seen
her finish a beverage.

The way she slaps people.
Wouldn't you love to do that?

Don't do it.

- Cecilia Monroe, what a great actress.
- Tell me about it.

And she's been on the show forever.

It's gonna be really hard
to fill her shoes.

Help me out here.

When you come out
of the brain transplant...

you are going to be her?

Yes, but in Drake Ramoray's body.

Why is this so hard for you to get?
I thought you were a scientist.

The One With Joey's New Brain

Rach, so that guy there...

straight or gay?

Well, I'd have to say gay.

Yeah? Why?

Mainly because he's kissing
that other guy.

Oh, no, not that guy there.
That guy right there.

Oh, yeah, he's too cute
to be straight.

Knockers will help us
figure it out.

All right, straight.

And not subtle.

He left his cell phone.

We could hand it to Gunther
to put it in lost and found.

Or we could use it to call China,
see how those guys are doing.

What if he calls his own cell phone
and I answer...

and we start talking
and we fell in love?

Wouldn't that be a great story?

Kind of like a fairy tale
for the digital age.

That does sound great.
I'm gonna get the phone.

What? Wait.
Why do you get the story?

I haven't been
out on a date in so long.

Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.

That wasn't a date. That was friends
getting together and having sex.

Okay. Great. I get the phone.

No way. You just broke up with Tag
a week ago.

Yeah, and until now, I didn't think
I would love again.

- Nice try.
- Wait.

How do we fairly decide
who gets the phone?

I don't know.

Maybe we could...

Aha! Too slow!

Aha! Too cocky.

I'm dating him.
There's nothing you can do.

Yes, there is.

What are you going to do, kill him?
Like you did Charles?

That was an accident.

And so were you.

Well, at least I'm not a murderer.

Oh, my baby.

Cut!

That was a great scene. That slap
looked so real. How do you do that?

- Oh, just years of experience.
- Can I get some ice here?!

I just wanted to say how wonderful
I think you are.

You're not the fan who's dying,
are you?

I'm supposed to meet
and hug a fan who's dying.

But that's not suppose
to be until later.

I'm Joey Tribbiani.
We did a scene together yesterday.

- I'm the guy in the coma.
- Oh, that was a real person?

Since I'm getting your brain
when you leave the show...

I was wondering if...

- I'm leaving the show?
- Why? Did you hear something?

Who told you that?

- One of the writers.
- Which writer? Was it bald or was it tall?

You know, it doesn't matter,
because it is not true.

Okay.

And if it were true, how dare you come
to me and ask me for tips...

about a character I've played
for 20 years!

Miss Monroe... Oh, there you go.

No, Phoebe, you cannot get the phone
that way. That's not fair.

Okay, look, I have an idea.

Why don't we see what kind of numbers
he has on his speed dial...

and then whoever has more in common
with him gets the phone.

Or we can decide by whoever's name
is closer to the word "phone."

I don't think so.

Fine. But I bet you'd be singing a different
tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.

First name on the speed dial is "Mom."

Oh. I lost my mom to suicide.

No way. You can't use that to get the
cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.

Did I use that already
today? I'm sorry.

Well, now, see,
this isn't telling us anything.

- "Joe. Carlos. Yoga. Ben..."
- Wait. I do yoga. That's one for me.

Oh, all right. Oh, so close.
If only it said, "yogurt."

"Peter Luger." That's a steak house.

Okay, fine. Meat-eater.
Fine, that's one for you.

Oh, I win. He's got Barneys
on his speed dial.

You don't know it's Barneys
the store.

That could be his friend's
house or a bar...

Who has Barneys the store
on their speed dial?

His new girlfriend.

What is that?

I think it's the Dying Cat Parade.

Sounds like it's coming
from across the street.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

The thing that Ross was gonna
do at our wedding?

He was hanging out with me and said,
"You're half Scottish, right?"

- No.
- Yes!

No. There is no way.
It cannot be Ross.

Unbelievable.
Why is your family Scottish?

Why is your family Ross?

He cannot play at our wedding.
Everyone will leave.

It'll be like when he rapped
at my bat mitzvah.

We can't just tell him no. He's probably
been practicing forever. He'll be crushed.

Maybe there's a way we can tell him
without hurting his feelings.

I mean, come on. That is just noise!

It's not even a song.

Wait. If you listen very carefully...

I think it's "Celebration"
by Kool and the Gang.

- Hi. How are you?
- Good.

Remember when we were
in the coffeehouse...

we decided I was gonna keep
the cute guy's phone?

I was gonna keep it in my purse so if
it rang, I could just pick it up?

Do you remember going into my purse
and stealing the phone?

Now you lost me.

- You stole the phone.
- No, I didn't.

You're saying that if I called it,
it wouldn't ring?

- No.
- Okay.

But while you dial, let me show you
the features of my new ringing handbag.

Oh, it does work.

- Phoebe.
- That is a different phone.

Oh, is it? Hello. Yes, hi,
is Rachel there?

Yes, she is. Just one moment, please.
It's for me!

That is damning evidence.

Oh, my God. I bet that's him.

My digital fairy tale's
about to begin.

I wonder how it should be?
Should I be, "Hello"?

Or should I be, "Hi! It's Ra..."?

Would you stop doing that?

Hello? Yes, I'm the one
who found your phone.

- Phoebe, you can't...
- I'm on a call.

Yeah, you can pick it up tonight.
Say, 8:30?

At my apartment.

It's 5 Morton Street,
apartment 14.

And then maybe, you know, after,
we can grab a bite to eat or whatever.

Okay. Okay, I'll see you then. Bye.

You do know that I will be here
when he comes over.

How will you know what time
to come over?

You just said it.

Well, I was kind of hoping
that I would just be alone.

You know, to think about my mom
and her suicide.

- Oh, Phoebe!
- What? That's the first time today.

So you like the nachos, huh?

- Myself, I'm partial to...
- I'm 16.

See you in 2003.

You're right.
They are writing me out of the show.

They don't know exactly when
it's going to happen, but soon...

and then that's it.

I'm so sorry. If it was up to me,
you would never leave the show.

- Yeah, thanks.
- I mean it.

I can't believe they'd do this to you.
And to your fans.

They're gonna be devastated.
Heartbroken. They love you so much.

Oh, you're right.

Thank you.

What's your name again?

- Joey.
- Thank you.

That is so sweet.

Excuse me.

- It wasn't my decision.
- I'm having a conversation here.

You were saying.

Look, the only reason
I came up to you before...

is because, well...

I'm really nervous about being you.

If you could help me capture
the essence of the character, you know.

Help me keep Jessica alive.
Please?

All right, Joey, I'll help you.

Not because I owe it
to this stupid show...

but because I owe it to Jessica.

- Oh, that's great. Thank you so much.
- You're so welcome.

I've been watching some tapes.
How's this?

Jessica Lockhart will never
step foot in this place again!

Never!

- Is that supposed to be me?
- Yeah.

But Jessica doesn't have
an English accent.

I can do an English accent?

That baby's going on my r?sum?.

Well, I feel like a snack.

Do you want some shortbread?
It's Scottish, like you are.

Oh, no, thanks. I don't like anything
from my Scottish heritage.

What?

Well, it's just that my entire family
was run out of Scotland by...

Vikings.

Anyway, lots of bad memories.

It sounds to me like your family's
ready to rediscover its Scottish roots.

No. No, they're not.

They're still very angry.

But, you know, Chandler's also
half-Swedish.

You know what the Swedish people
are famous for?

Sitting down and being quiet.

Yeah, but the Scottish history
is so much...

You can't play bagpipes
at the wedding!

How did you know about that?

- We heard you play from your apartment.
- Were you the ones who called the cops?

That's not really important right now.

What is important is, while we
appreciate the gesture...

we just don't feel that bagpipes
are appropriate for our wedding.

- Why not?
- Because we hate them.

Come on, that's not fair.
You haven't even heard me play.

We have heard you play.

No, you've heard me practice.

Just give me a chance to perform for
you, then decide whatever you want.

I'm not gonna tell you what song
I'm gonna play either.

Let's just say when it's over...

I'll bet there'll be
a wee bit of celebration.

The essence of the character
is rooted in her confidence.

So when Jessica enters a room,
for instance...

she owns everything...

and every person in that room.

- You try it.
- Okay.

All right!

No. He already knows
that he owns everything in the room.

He's not finding it
out for the first time.

- So try it again.
- Okay.

He's not angry at the room either.

Try it again. He owns it.
He owns the room.

It is his. He owns, owns,
owns the room! He owns it!

It's a little weird,
but it's getting better.

I'm gonna miss this woman so much.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

It's been 20 years of my life.

Hey, hey. Maybe this is a good thing.

It'll give you a chance to shake
things up. Play different characters.

You're so talented.

I am, I am.

But I don't know. You know...

an actor of a certain age,
it's not that easy.

That's not true. Look at Angela
Lansbur... Angelina Jolie.

Probably should've just left years ago
when the offers were pouring in...

but I just got
so comfy here and...

I turned down some amazing work.

Like what?

Well, let's just say
if I'd left 15 years ago...

the landscape of Mexican
cinema would be very different today.

Wow.

But, well, now...
Now's a different time for me.

Oh, hey, come on. Don't do this.

Let me tell you something, okay?

When I watch you do a scene, I'm
thinking, "Boy, she is a great actress."

But I'm also thinking, "She is hot."

You think I'm hot?

You own the room.

We should probably get the...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we should get...

So when Jessica kisses a man...

she usually puts...

both her hands on the man's face.

I notice that.
Is that because she's so passionate?

No, it's because that way
the camera only sees her.

You want to try it?

Yeah, okay.

That was good. That was really good.

But I think that maybe your hands are
just a little off. They should be right...

Hey, hey!

Who is it?

It's Tom.
I'm here to pick up the phone.

Why do you get to answer the door?

- Why shouldn't I?
- Because it's my apartment.

Then I get to give him the cell phone.

Okay. Good luck explaining
all the calls to China.

Hi.

Wow, how long were we arguing for?

You're not the man who left the phone.

- No, that's my assistant.
- Is he coming?

No.

- Could you give us one second?
- Sure.

We'll be right back, sir.

- What do we do?
- I don't know.

Can you believe this?

We were waiting for a hot guy,
and then an even hotter one shows up.

I know.

What?

They just don't make them
like that anymore, you know?

No, they do,
but you just have to wait.

Rachel, listen...

if you let me have him,
then I will really owe you one.

All right.

All right, I will let you have him.

But you owe me. You owe me big.

Yeah. You're such a great friend.

Which one of you lovely
ladies am I taking to dinner?

Oh, that'd be me, sir.

- After you.
- Oh, thank you.

Nice.

Well, you certainly own that room.

Actually, I rent the whole place.
I just got what you meant. Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jessica Lockhart!
In my apartment!

I am such a huge fan.
I am such a huge fan.

It's nice to know...

Monica!

That's my roommate, Rachel.

That explains all
the women's underwear.

Sure.

Oh, my God, it's true!

Oh, my God, you are so amazing.

Can I just ask you to do me
just one favor?

Certainly.

Would you slap me
right here in the face?

I'd love to, but my lawyer said
I can't do that anymore.

God, you seem really, really nice.

Okay, bye-bye.

I mean, not fake at all
like most famous people.

All right, here we go.

No, wait. Just one more thing.

- You're a stupid bitch.
- I really can't slap you.

- You are so beautiful.
- So nice to meet you.

- My God, you're great.
- Thanks for stopping by.

- I am so sorry about that.
- Oh, no.

Being adored, I'm used to it.
Don't worry about it.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

They sent me today's script.
They never send me the script.

- They don't?
- I'm just in a coma.

This must mean I have lines.

How does it happen?

You get thrown from a horse
into an electric fence.

A what? Jessica hates horses.

After this, she's not gonna be crazy
about electricity either.

Now, remember,
you have to imagine me in a kilt.

I can imagine you in a short
plaid skirt and knee socks.

- You wanna start telling secrets?
- No.

Now, remember...

I'm still learning.

One, two, three, four!

You know the song. Sing along.

So?

- No.
- No.

Loosening the saddle on Mother's horse
was brilliant, Fredrick.

And the electric fence, inspired.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I can't believe she's really gone.

Look around you. All of this is ours.

I don't think so.

Who are you?

What's the matter, Dina?

Don't you recognize your own...

mother?

Cut! That was great, everybody.
Thank you.

That was so wonderful!

I think that you're a better
Jessica than I ever was.

- Oh, no.
- Of course not, but you were good.

Thanks.

Good news. I got another job.

Great. Hey, all right! What is it?

A film in Guadalajara.

The airport?

No, that's LaGuardia.

- This is Mexico.
- Oh, wow.

Well, how long will you be gone?

Eight months.

- That's a really long time.
- Yeah, but you could come and visit.

I bet that you could own
a few places down there.

Oh, you know, I should probably
buy a place in the city first.

And I just got what you meant.
That is...

- That's a tricky one.
- It's tricky.

Joey, I really want to thank you.

You made a very difficult time for me
a little less painful.

Good luck.

You too.