Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 14 - The One Where They All Turn Thirty - full transcript

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

Rach, come on.

It's your birthday!

Hey...

She's not as pretty as
she was when she was 29.

Ms. Green wants to establish some
ground rules before she comes out.

She'd appreciate it if you didn't use
the words "old" or "downhill"...

or "They still look
pretty damn good."

They do.

Rachel, come on out.



Monica made breakfast.

Chocolate chip pancakes.

We've got presents.

Good ones?

They all came from the list
you handed out to us two weeks ago.

Can I keep the presents
and still be 29?

Come on, Rach, turning 30
is not that big a deal.

Really? Is that how you felt
when you turned 30?

Why, God, why?

We had a deal.
Let the others grow old, not me!

You know, I'm still 29 in Guam.

Hey, 30 is not that old.

Do you know how old the Earth is?

Late 30s?



You guys, is it just me?
Am I overreacting?

No, it's not just you.
My 30th birthday sure wasn't much fun.

And now Chandler!

We're all getting so old.

Why are you doing this to us?

The One Where They All Turn Thirty

You're in a great place in your life.
You have an amazing job, good friends.

Your roommate's a soap opera star.

Your character is in a coma.

I promised myself
I wasn't gonna cry at this one.

I know my life's going pretty well,
but I see so many people...

who've accomplished their goals
before they're 30.

Yeah, but you shouldn't compare
yourself to me.

- Come on, Phoebe!
- You can do it!

- Come on.
- There you go.

I did it!
One mile on a Hippity Hop.

That's everything I wanted to do
before I was 30.

Except I wanted to
patch things up with my sister.

Oh, well. But, yeah!

Girls, this thing is a godsend,
if you know what I mean.

Thirty. Oh, I mean, 30.

Monica, you remember mean, old
Mrs. Kreiger in fifth grade? She was 30.

Let's have some fun.
What do you want to do?

Nothing. I don't want to do anything.

Doing nothing on your 30th is better
than doing something stupid, like Ross.

That was a practical purchase.

I needed that car for transportation.

Okay? I have a child.

How hot do I look in this?

Ross, a sports car?

Wouldn't it be cheaper
to just stuff a sock down there?

That's not what this is about.

I am a sports car enthusiast.

- I've always been into cars.
- What's the horsepower?

I don't know, but look how shiny!

- I can't believe you bought this.
- Really. God, Ross, what were you thinking?

I know it's really shallow,
but part of me wants him again.

Well, get in line, missy.

So can I have a ride, stud?

Hop in.

Get ready for the
smoothest ride of your life.

Damn it.

Okay, who's next?

I am gonna do something today. I'm not
just gonna sit around like some old lady.

I want to get something pierced.

Like my nose or my tongue or something.

Really? Because that hurts.

So what? The way I see it...

Son of a bitch!

Look, I know what
you're going through.

I'm totally freaked out
about turning 25.

Get out of my apartment.

Rach, I think that you're doing great.

Let's face it,
no one handles this well.

Least of all you.

- Why, what did you do?
- Weren't you asked to leave, sonny?

Put that back on.
Monica will be here any minute.

But it hurts my Joey's apple.

For the last time, it's not named
after each individual man.

You've done a wonderful job with this
party, Chandler. Everything's so lovely.

Well, not as lovely as you.

I can't believe you have a
30-year-old daughter.

And I can't believe you have
a tux that's 30 years old.

It's older than that. Ross was actually
conceived right near this tuxedo.

Everybody hide! I saw her.
She's coming.

Everybody down!

Crap.

Everybody stay here.
I'll find out what's going on.

Hey, you got the door open!

Hey, are you drunk?

No.

Okay.

Okay.

See, I was a little nervous
about turning...

30.

So the busboys took me out
for some drinks.

Might want to puke on you later.

Here's the thing. We've thrown
a very formal surprise party for you.

- Your friends are in there,
and your parents. - No!

- Yes! Yes!
- No.

Oh, no! My parents have never
seen me drunk.

That they know of.

We'll get you some coffee.
They'll never know that you're drunk.

- You promise?
- I'll take care of it.

I love you so much.

Okay, we have to do something
about your breath.

What about your breath?

That's still yours.

Now remember,
it's a surprise party.

So when you go in, act surprised.

Ready?

Surprise!

Okay, forward. Forward.

Stop!

Okay, back... Stop!

Okay, for... Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Ross, just forget about it.
The guy's got you totally wedged in.

- Is this yours?
- No, it's mine! It's mine.

Dude, you so need this car.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

I'll break into this minivan,
put it in neutral.

You push it forward
so Ross can drive out of the spot.

All right. Here we go.

Haul ass!

Happy 30th birthday! Here.

It's for the child in you.
And the woman.

Happy 30th!

Right. Why do you keep saying that?

Because it's our 30th birthday.

Yeah, no, we're not 30.
We're 31. Okay.

Wait.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah. What?

Yeah, we're not 30. We're 31.

That's what it says
on my birth certificate.

You have a birth certificate?

I got a big box of family stuff
when my mom died.

Our mom.

Right. Okay.

- Do you have mine?
- No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we are 31!

Yeah.

I just lost a whole year of my life.

Okay.

- Your middle name is Pamela?
- Yes.

I never knew mine.
Do you remember what it is?

Yes. Phoebe.

- That's my first name.
- Right. Okay. Then, no.

We made it across the room.
You're doing great.

What's going on?

Monica's a little drunk.

Yeah! I love drunk Monica.

Oh, she's so much more fun
than regular Monica.

She doesn't want her parents to know.

All right, all right.
Here's what we'll do.

I'll get twice as drunk,
then no one will even notice her.

- Drunk Phoebe's mean.
- Okay, you watch your tone with me!

What's going on?

Monica's wasted.

Maybe that will liven up this party.

Will you just help her get changed?

Taking care of a drunk, naked woman
seems like a job for Joey.

This one's from me.

It wasn't on your list,
but it's really fun.

A scooter.

Stick to the list.

Always stick to the list.

No, no, I love it. Thank you.

Open ours next! Open ours next!

Now that you're a couple,
we don't get two gifts?

For my last birthday,
you gave me a hug.

Read the card! Read the card!

"Happy birthday, Grandma.

It's better to be over the hill...

than buried under it.

All our love, Monica and Chandler."
That's funny.

No, no. That was a joke.

I know, I get it. It's funny.

Because you're not a grandma.

To be a grandma, you have to
be married and have children.

I don't have any of those things.
That's why it's so funny.

I'm just gonna go...

All you had to do was buy the card.

Hey, look who's back.
It's the birthday girl.

How's the birthday girl feeling?

Well, I feel fine, but I think you're
bumming out the rest of the kids.

It was stupid to get upset about
not having a husband and kids.

All I really needed was a plan.

See, I want three kids.

And you want to have them all at the
same time and have them for your brother.

As I was saying...

I should have the first one
by the time I'm 35.

Which gives me five years.

I love this plan. I'm
gonna marry this plan.

If you could do that,
I'd marry the Hippity Hop.

If I want a kid when I'm 35, I don't
have to get pregnant until I'm 34.

Which gives Prada four years
to start making maternity clothes.

But I want to be married
for a year before I get pregnant.

Really? That long?

Look all you want, it's happening.

I don't have to get married until
I'm 33. That's three whole years.

Wait a minute, though.

I'll need a year and a half
to plan the wedding.

And I'd like to know the guy
for a year, year and a half...

before we get engaged.

Which means I need to meet the guy
by the time I'm 30.

Which is fine
because you just turned...

28!

No, Ross. No, it is not fine.

I should already be with
the guy I'm gonna marry.

Will you quit hogging it?

I'm telling you, it's like
watching Bambi learn how to walk.

You're drunk.

Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.

Maybe I'm a little drunk.

Are those crab cakes?

Did I not tell you to come straight to
me when more crab cakes were ready?

How you feeling?

You are so handsome.

I want to make love to you
right here, right now.

I really wish that you wouldn't.

Just get through a little bit more,
then we can put you in bed.

Just smile and don't talk to anyone.

Speech, speech!
Let's hear from the birthday girl.

Pheebs!

See, everybody's looking at me.

The plan's working.

I didn't even have to
take off my top yet.

Speech. Come on, speech!

You can't keep your hands off her
for one second.

I think it's nice.

I think it's necessary.

I want to thank you all for coming.

My family and...

my friends.

I'd really like to say that I'm...

You know what I'd really like to say?

I'm drunk!

That's right, Mom and Dad.

Your little Harmomica is hammered.

And guess what?

I've been drunk before.

And I've smoked a cigarette.

And I've had a box of Ding Dongs
hidden in my underwear drawer.

It's all okay.
It's okay because...

I turned 30 today.

And I can do anything I want.

Because I am a grownup.

Okay, quick. Help me get this off.

I lost a whole year.

I can't believe it.
This is so unfair!

Come on, Pheebs, it'll be okay.

Will it? Will it?

How would you feel if
you found out you were 31?

That's not gonna happen.
Because we have a new deal.

Plus, it ruined my schedule.

I haven't done any of the things
I wanted to do by the time I was 31.

- Like what? - Like I haven't
met any Portuguese people.

I haven't had the perfect kiss.

And I haven't been to sniper school.

Why don't we go and
have some birthday cake.

I just feel like being by myself for
a while. See you guys later. Thanks.

Poor Pheebs.

Hey, you know what, you guys? I think
I'm gonna walk her home.

- Oh, man.
- What?

He's gonna eat the cake.

Pheebs!

Listen, I...

Close your eyes.

That's one thing you can
cross off your list.

Oh, yeah.

Plus, I'm one-sixteenth Portuguese.

Okay, is everybody clear?

We're gonna pick it up...

and move it.

All we need is teamwork.
We're gonna lift the car...

and slide it out.

Lift...

and slide.

- Ross, I really don't think this...
- Lift...

and slide.

All right. Come on, dogs,
let's lift this sucker.

Oh, unless you're scared.
Little weaklings scared?

Good teamwork.

- Okay, here we go.
- All right, everyone.

Lift...

and slide.

- Hey, Joey...
- Come on, Rach, my turn just started.

Actually, I just want to talk to Tag.

Oh, okay.
Hey, can I ride this outside?

Whatever. I'm not your mother.

Not in the street!

- Are you feeling any better?
- Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm...

Let's talk.

What's up?

Oh, Tag...

You're such a great guy.
And we have so much fun together.

- But I...
- Wait.

I think I see where you're going.

But before you say anything else,
can I say one more thing?

Well said.

And a good example of the fun
I was referring to.

But I think I'm past the point
where I can just have fun.

Rachel, don't do this. This is just
because you're turning 30.

Yeah, it is.

But you're just a kid.
I mean, you're 25.

- Twenty-four, actually.
- Oh, God.

You know what I wish?
I wish you were six years older.

Well, if I'm wishing for stuff,
I actually wish I was six years younger.

- Me too.
- Yeah. Sorry.

Hey, how'd it go?

If I only want two kids,
can I keep him for another year?

You did the right thing.

I don't like this anymore.

Well, here we are.
Just a bunch of 30-year-olds.

Do you realize in 10 years
we're gonna be 40?

Why, God?

Why are you doing this to us?

Yes! My baby's finally free.

All right!

Start it up. Let's go!

How hot are we?

You want to buy a car?