Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 18 - The One with Joey's Award - full transcript

So, Pheebs, I was just at this
bachelorette party...

and they had a cake
that was in the shape of a man's...

thing-a-ding-ding.

And I was wondering,
what would you have thought of that?

Offensive or amusing?

I'm not sure.
Monica, what do you think?

- Sounds kind of tacky.
- Damn it.

I'll see if they can cancel it. If not,
maybe they can put eyes on the "hoojies"...

and we'll just say it's just
some sort of weird elephant.

Guys, you won't believe this!

- I just talked to my agent...
- Oh, my God!



I'm sorry. Too soon. You go.

I got nominated for
Days of our Lives!

- Good for you!
- Congratulations!

I can't believe you're nominated
for an Emmy!

- Soap Opera Digest Award?
- Nope. I'm up for a "Soapie."

Is that something you're making up?

No, no, no, it's real!
And it has been, since 1998.

Okay, they said they won't
cancel the cake...

but I was thinking we could
write "NASA" on the side...

and then give it to Ross.
- Okay. Yeah.

Hey, Rach! I'm up for a Soapie!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! That's the third most
prestigious soap opera award there is!

Thank you! I guess we know
who I'll take to the awards!



Don't kid about that!
Will all the stars be there?

Many are scheduled to appear.

- I can't go. I'll be too nervous!
- I'll go.

You're getting married.
This is all I have.

- We should celebrate.
- Yes! And we will get you a cake...

in the shape of a microphone.

With two tennis balls.

The One With Joey's Award

Ernest Muhlbrat hypothesized that
the velociraptor, when threatened...

would expand its collar and
emit a high-pitched noise...

to frighten off predators.

Mr. Lewis?

What kind of noise?

Just a high-pitched,
intimidating noise.

But like how?

Well, we don't know for sure.

But in my head,
it sounded something like this:

Of course, this is just conjecture.

Okay. That's all for today.

Mr. Morse,
can I see you for a moment?

Yes, sir?

I need to talk to you
about your midterm exam.

- I'm afraid I had to fail you.
- Why?

Well, you need 60% to pass.

- What did I get?
- Seven.

That's not so good.

No, no, it's not.
What happened, Ned?

Maybe you can cut me some slack.
I'm sort of in love.

I'm sorry, but that's
really not my problem.

I'm in love with you.

That brings me in the loop a little.

That's why I did so bad on this test.
I'm having a hard time concentrating.

When you're up there
and you're teaching...

and your face gets all serious...

You look so good. When you wear that
tight little turtleneck sweater...

I'm your teacher. I'm sorry.

You're a student.

And I like women.

In spite of what may be written
on the backs of these chairs.

That guy at the counter's
totally checking you out.

Really?

- Oh, my God, he's really cute!
- Go for it.

Phoebe, I'm engaged.

I'm saying, get his number,
just in case.

But if Chandler's in an accident
and can't perform sexually...

he'd want you to take a lover to
satisfy needs he'd no longer fulfill.

Can I just tell you something?

I'm very flattered, but I'm engaged.

This is kind of embarrassing.

I actually came over
to talk to your friend.

You should be embarrassed.

- I thought you knew I looked at you.
- I did, but that was really fun.

"The winner is... Joey Tribbiani!"

"I honestly never expected this.

I didn't prepare a speech.

I'd like to thank my parents,
who've always been there for me.

Also like to thank my friends,
Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel..."

- I'm fourth?
- Jeez!

Look at you with your
maple syrup award!

Maybe you don't tell anyone
about this?

No big deal.
I do that with my shampoo bottle.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- What award are you practicing for?
- Grammy.

For Best New Artist.

The Soapies people called today.
I also get to present an award.

So you'll get on stage
even if you don't win.

- You don't think I'll win?
- Of course I do.

But Favorite Returning Character?
That's a tough category.

You're up against the guy who
survived his own cremation.

No, I know I might not win.
But it's just...

I've never been nominated.
I want it so much.

You'll probably get it.

But you should start practicing
your "gracious-loser" face.

When the cameras are on you,
you want to look disappointed.

But also that your colleague
deserved to win. Like:

You know?

- You practice losing the Grammys too?
- No, at the Grammys, I always win.

Hey, Mon. This woman only had
two bites of her steak.

- Want me to wrap it up for your dog?
- Oh, yeah.

- What's your dog's name again?
- Joey.

- Hey!
- How'd your date go with Jake?

Great. We couldn't keep
our eyes off each other.

Every once in a while, he'd lean over,
stroke my hair, then touch my neck.

Stop it. You're getting me
all tingly.

All I could think of was,
is he gonna kiss me?

- Did he?
- I'm a lady. I don't kiss and tell.

But this hickey speaks for itself.

Okay, I got it. I got it.

I like him so much, I feel like
I've had 10 drinks today.

I've only had six.

I haven't had that feeling since
I first went out with Chandler.

- I'll never have that feeling again.
- You sound like a guy.

No, a guy would say, "I'll never
get to sleep with anyone else."

I'll never sleep with anyone else!

- Are you just realizing this now?
- No. Maybe. Yes!

I'm so busy planning the wedding,
I forgot about what I'll give up.

I'll never have a first kiss again.

You'll have a last kiss.

Can I ask you something? Has
a guy ever had a crush on you?

Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?

A kid in my class said
he's in love with me.

Whoa!

- Whoa, what?
- Ross has a boyfriend!

I do not have a boyfriend.

There's a guy in one of my classes
who has a crush on me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Last year, Elizabeth, now this kid...

What is it?
Am I giving out some kind of...

sexy-professor vibe?

Not right now.

The point is, my natural charisma has
made him fail his midterm.

Now I feel bad for the kid.

I had a crush on a teacher once,
and it was so hard.

I couldn't concentrate.
I blushed every time he looked at me.

You remember what it's like
to be 19 and in love.

- I can cut him some slack.
- Yeah.

- How'd you get over that teacher?
- I didn't. I got under him.

Problem solved.

- Bye, Phoebe.
- Okay, bye.

- All right. Bye.
- Bye.

Bye!

- Bye!
- I'll miss you!

I'll miss you too!

We said goodbye at the door
so as not to flaunt our new love.

It's okay.
You don't have to tiptoe around me.

I've thought about it.
You know what?

I'm okay, not having that
new-relationship feeling.

- I miss you already!
- I miss you too!

That's great, but I wouldn't
trade what I have for that.

I'll be with Chandler the rest
of my life. That makes me happy.

Come sit down. We're talking
about how our relationship's deep...

and meaningful.
It is, don't you think?

Oh, totally.

Pull my finger.

Okay, everybody, we're back in 30.

Where have you been?
They're about to give out my award.

Oh, well, I was in the bathroom,
and Susan Lucci came out of a stall...

and she had toilet paper
on her shoe, so I took it.

- Favorite Returning Male...
- This is my category!

- Got your speech?
- Got my speech.

Got your gracious-loser face?

Try to remember, if you win,
you have to hug me.

Can I squeeze your ass?

On TV?

Yeah!

They say you can't go home again...

but these four exceptional actors have
proven that this is not always the case.

In the Favorite Returning Male
character category, the nominees are:

John Wheeler from General Hospital.

Gavin Graham from
The Young and the Restless.

Duncan Harrington from Passions.

And Joey Tribbiani from
Days of our Lives.

And the Soapie goes to:

Gavin Graham from
The Young and the Restless.

What the...?!

Presenting the Favorite Supporting
Actress award:

Joey Tribbiani from
Days of our Lives.

Any one of the brilliant actresses
nominated for this award...

deserves to take it home.
Unfortunately, only one can.

The nominees for
Favorite Supporting Actress are:

From Passions, Erin Goff.

From One Life to Live, Mary Lauren
Bishop. All My Children, Sarah Renee.

And from Days of our Lives,
Jessica Ashley.

And the winner is:

Jessica Ashley from Days of our Lives.

Unfortunately, Jessica
couldn't be with us tonight...

so I'll accept this award
on her behalf.

And I'm sure that Jessica...

wants to thank my parents...

who always believed in me.

She'd also like to thank my friends:

Chandler, Monica, Ross,
Phoebe and Rachel...

who's sitting right there.

Why'd we rush out so fast?

I was this close to getting Luke and
Laura to sign Susan Lucci's toilet paper.

We had to get out of there
because... Look what I won!

Oh, my God. You stole her award!

No, no, no. I'm accepting it
on her behalf.

I don't think you know
what "behalf" means.

Sure I do. It's a verb.
As in "I be half-in' it"!

- You've got to take this back.
- I should've won. I really wanted it.

She didn't care enough to come to
the thing. It could also be a Grammy.

No, Joey.

No one saw me take it.
There's a whole table of them.

Do you want an award you didn't win?

No, I want an award I did win.
But nobody's given me any of those!

If I put it up, when people come over,
they'll see it...

and think I won it.

Joey, it says
"Best Supporting Actress."

I can scratch that right off.

This is wrong.
You have to take it back.

You don't want to win an award
this way. You're very talented.

Someday you'll win one of these for
real and that one will mean something.

- Oh, all right.
- All right? Thank you.

- I'll take it back tomorrow.
- Thank you.

If I can't have it,
you can't have it!

- Professor Geller?
- Yes, Mr. Lewis? How can I help you?

I know I didn't do well
on my midterms and stuff.

But I was hoping you could
change my grade.

And why, exactly, would I do that?

Because I'm in love with you.

What?

Yeah. I'm all in love
with you and stuff.

- So could you change my grade?
- No!

Why not? You changed Ned's grade.

That's different. Because he was
actually in love with me.

No, he's not!
He's totally yanking your chain.

He's done this with
three other teachers.

- What?
- He's got a girlfriend.

I can't believe someone
would do that for a grade.

I know.

It's awful.

I love you.

- All right.
- What? It's true.

Oh, God... Okay. Oh, you love me?
You love me?

All right, fine. You love me so much,
come over here and give me a kiss.

You got an 80! You didn't even fail!
Have some self-respect!

- Have you seen Chandler?
- No, why?

I keep thinking about all
the things I won't have.

It's freaking me out.
I don't know what to do.

Don't sweat it.

Chandler's not around, so get it
out of your system. That guy's cute.

Come on, I'm serious.

- I've got to talk to him about this.
- That's the last thing you want to do.

- Why?
- Because you're marrying him!

You gotta help me out here.

I've never been engaged.
I've never really been married.

I can only tell you
what my mother told me.

When you have doubts or fears or
anxieties about a relationship...

don't communicate them
to your husband.

I'm not supposed to share
my doubts and fears...

with the guy I'm spending
the rest of my life with?

That is correct. Yes.

You're supposed to put all that stuff
in a little box in your mind...

and lock it up.

- Your mother told you this?
- Yes.

The woman who married a bunch of times
and killed herself when you were 13?

Oh, my God, you're right.

Tell Chandler.
Hurry, before it's too late!

Wait! Does this also mean that
putting out doesn't get you love?

- I'm gonna meet Jessica Ashley!
- Wait, wait.

Rach, please be cool, okay?
I work with this woman.

Okay, I'm totally cool.

Come in.

- Hey, Jessica.
- Hey, Jess.

This is my friend Rachel.

- Hi.
- What's up?

Here's your Soapie.
I accepted it for you.

Oh, my God. I won?
Do you have any idea what this means?

You're not gonna put it
on your shelf or anything?

No, I try to save that for real
awards. Now if you'll excuse me?

- Take it back?
- Absolutely.

Yeah, you do!

Honey?
As we get closer to the wedding...

is there anything
you'd like to share?

Okay. I think the centerpieces
are too big.

You're wrong.
The centerpieces are fine.

- Do you ever get scared at all?
- Kind of. They're really big.

Doesn't it freak you out that you'll
never be with anybody new again?

What?

I love you so much.

Sometimes it bothers me that
I'll never have that feeling.

When you first meet someone...

and it's new and exciting.
You know that rush?

No, when I first meet somebody...

it's mostly panic, anxiety
and a great deal of sweating.

Okay. But you're a guy.

Aren't you freaked out that you'll
never sleep with anybody else?

Sleeping with somebody, no.

Anxiety, panic and, I'm afraid,
even more sweating.

Even with me?

I was dangerously dehydrated the
first six months of our relationship.

For me, the rush is knowing that we'll
be together the rest of our lives.

- Really?
- Well, yeah.

Knowing you're having these thoughts,
we're back to panic, anxiety and...

I'll definitely need
some kind of sports drink.

Come here. Oh, you don't
have to worry.

Besides, you know what? I'll have
a lot of new things with you.

The first time we buy a house. Our
first kid. Our first grandkid.

Water. Water. Water.

Mr. Morse? Can I speak to you
for a moment?

That was a great lecture today.
Did you get a little haircut?

Yeah, yeah. Do you like it?
Do you love it?

I want you to know I'm
changing your grade back.

What? Why?

I know what you're trying
to pull here. It won't work.

I'm not trying to pull anything.
Look, I love you, dude.

I'm not even gonna talk about this.
This little "thing" is over.

I know you have a girlfriend.
And I know about the other professors.

How do you think that makes me feel?
You used me!

You don't love me and you never did!

Professor Winston.
Professor Frederickson.

I'll be right with you.

Don't make this worse and I'll
give you a "C." Shall we?

I'll be out in a second.

"It's just so unexpected!

I'll tell you, it's such
an honor to just be nominated...

for a Nobel Prize.

And, you know, to win one
for a massage!

Especially just after winning a
Tony Award for Best Actress..."

Our reservations are at 8.

"in Reservations at Eight
by Neil Simon.

Thank you, Neil.
Thank you for the words."

Finish this later.
We're gonna be late.

Please don't play the music.
Just one more thing.

"Live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!"