Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 5 - The One with the Kips - full transcript

Monica?

What time is it?

Nine.

But it's dark out.

That's because you always
sleep till noon, silly.

This is what nine looks like.

I guess I'll get washed up then.

Watch that sunrise.

I'm getting tired of always
sneaking around.

Me too. What if we went away
for the weekend? No interruptions.

We could be naked
the entire time.



All weekend?
That's a whole lot of naked.

I'll say I have a conference
and you can have a chef thing.

I wanted to go to this
culinary fair in Jersey!

Okay.
You know you're not, though.

- Let's go.
- Okay. Wait.

What about Joey?

The One with the Kips

I'm going to a culinary fair
in Jersey this weekend.

How weird! Chandler just said
he's got a conference there.

That's funny. Seems like
Chandler's conference could've been...

in Connecticut or Vermont.

I'm not in charge of where
the conference is held.

Do you want people to think it's fake?
It's a real conference.

- Is Rachel here?
- No, she's out shopping.



- Damn!
- What's going on?

I told Emily to come.

And I just need to, you know,
talk to Rachel about it.

Wait a minute.

When Emily comes,
you won't see Rachel anymore?

I'm focusing on the
"I get to see my wife" part...

and not on the part
that makes me do this.

So you'll never be
in a room together?

How will that even work?

I have no idea. I mean...

But I assure you,
I will figure it out.

It doesn't seem like it'll work.

Hi, guys.

What's going on?

We're flipping Monica's mattress.

So I'm thinking, basically,
we pick it up and then we flip it.

That's better than my way.

Hey guys, would you flip mine too?

Oh, man.

Oh, look! A letter from my mom.

So, Rach?

You know how Emily's coming?

Oh, yeah. I know.

Can you hear anything?

Yeah, somebody just said,
"Can you hear anything?"

Hey, Joey's ass.

What are you doing?

Remember when they fought
and broke up...

and we were stuck here
all night with no food?

When Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding,
I figured it'd happen again.

So I hid this in here.

Candy bars, crossword puzzles...

Mad Libs! Mine!

- Okay, "Name of someone in room."
- Chandler.

Come on, seriously.

What do you got in here?
Magazines, Doritos

Condoms?

You don't know how long
we'll be in here.

We may have to
repopulate the Earth.

And condoms are the way to do that?

Anyway, it all boils down to this.

- The last time I talked to Emily
- Oh, my God! Our dog died!

- What?
- Oh, my God! LaPooh, our dog!

LaPooh's still alive?

Sorry.

It says he was hit by
an ice cream truck and dragged for...

nineteen blocks!

- Oh, my God.
- Sweetie, we heard you crying.

- Please don't cry.
- It's LaPooh!

I know, it's LaPooh right now
but it'll get better.

I can't believe it! We're here!

Chocolates on the pillows!
I love that!

You should live with Joey.
Rolos everywhere.

This is so great.
No one's gonna bother us.

And we're gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it with Monica!

Chandler, stop yelling
that you and I are gonna do it!

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Oh, yes!

Get in here.
There's a high-speed car chase on!

We're switching rooms.

Oh, dear God!
They gave us glasses!

The glasses have lipstick on them.

Who knows what else
they didn't change?

You wanna switch rooms
because they didn't switch the glasses?

I didn't wanna say anything,
but the carpet smells too.

I want this weekend to be perfect.
We can change rooms, can't we?

Okay, but let's do it now.
Chopper Five just lost its feed!

Forget it.

You know how there was something
I wanted to talk to you about?

Oh, yeah.

I'm trying to work
things out with Emily.

Well, there's this...

one thing.

Here goes.

I made a promise that

- What?
- Your nose is bleeding.

- Oh, God!
- You're bleeding.

Oh, not again. This happened when
my grandfather died.

Sorry.

Gross.

Okay. So I'm sorry.
What did you want to tell me?

Sorry. Sorry.

I can't see you anymore.

I know, it's ridiculous.
I can't see you, either. All right.

I'm just gonna go shove
a bunch of tissues in my nose.

Hey, do you wanna tell me while I do that?

I'm good.

- I think you'll like this room more.
- Okay, great.

They say he's only got
half a tank left.

Half a tank? Still lots
of high-speed chasing to do!

- I'll bet he's heading for Canada.
- They always do.

- We're switching rooms again.
- What? Why?

This has a garden view.
We paid for an ocean view.

Our last ocean-view room
was unacceptable to you.

- The carpet smelled.
- Like ocean?

No, like feet.

Excuse me. Can I talk to you
over here for just a second?

These clowns want to take us
for a ride. I won't let them.

We're not a couple of suckers.

I hear you, Mugsy.

All these rooms are fine.

Just pick one so I can watch the

Have a perfect, magical
weekend together with you?

Oh, man, he almost hit a gas truck.

Do you ever watch Baywatch?

- This one I like.
- Nothing. Nothing. It's over. Damn it!

This is regularly scheduled
programming!

- I wanted to see them talk to his neighbors.
- Well, I'm standing right here...

- you could talk to me.
- You didn't know him.

Can we turn the TV off?

Do we really want to spend
the weekend like this?

Am I getting in the way
of the room-switching fun?

Don't blame me for tonight.

Who should I blame?
The nice bellman?

Or the idiot who thought
he could drive...

from Albany to Canada
on half a tank of gas?

Do not speak ill of the dead.

We're supposed to be spending
a romantic weekend together.

What's the matter?

I just want to watch
a little television.

Jeez, relax, Mom.

What did you say?

I said, "Jeez, relax, Mon."

You know what, Chandler?
You like fast getaways? Watch this.

I don't like fast getaways,
I like car chases.

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.

I've been wanting to tell you something
and I just have to get it out.

Okay. What's up?

Okay, before I tell you
I just have to know...

is your nose okay?

Are all the other family
pets in good health?

Well, Davey's still pining after LaPooh...

but, you know, he's
a tough little turtle.

You know how you said to do
whatever it takes to fix my marriage?

Yeah, I told you to give Emily
whatever she wants.

And while that was good advice,
you should know that what she wants...

is for me not to see you anymore.

That's crazy! You can't do that.
What are you going to tell her?

Oh, my God!

You've already agreed to this.

It's awful, I know.

But I have to do this
if I want my marriage to work.

And I do. I have to make
this marriage work. I have to.

But the good thing is, we can still
see each other until she gets here.

Lucky me! Oh, my God!
That is good news, Ross!

That's the best news I've heard
since LaPooh died!

You have no idea what a nightmare
this has been. This is so hard.

Oh, yeah, really? Is it, Ross?

- Let me make this easier for you.
- What are you doing?

- Storming out.
- It's your apartment.

Yeah? Well, that's how mad I am!

Damn Rolos!

You're back!
How was your conference?

It was terrible. I fought with
my colleagues the entire time.

Are you kidding with this?

So your weekend was a bust?

No, I got to see Donald Trump
waiting for an elevator.

You know, at the Taj Mahal
he has his own private glass elevator.

That's right. Made by Otis Elevators.

And they don't usually do glass.

What kinds of stuff do you know?

You're back too.

Could I talk to you for a second?

- How was your chef thing?
- It was awful.

Some people don't
appreciate good food.

Maybe the food tasted good at first...

but then made everybody vomit
and have diarrhea.

How much was the room?
I'll pay my half.

Fine. $300.

$300?

Just think of it as $25 per room.

What are you guys woofing about?

Chandler stole a 20 from my purse!

I was only stealing it back,
the one that she stole from me.

Stealing and now lying.

You know what?
Now that I think about it...

I constantly find myself
without 20s, and you...

always have lots.

You should've seen
the look on her face.

I don't want Rachel to hate me.
I don't know what to do.

- You want my advice?
- Yes. Please.

- You won't like it.
- That's okay.

You got married too fast.

- That's not advice.
- I told you.

I'm going to the bathroom.

If anyone asked me to give up
any of you, I couldn't do it.

Me neither.

Maybe I could do it.

I know you guys heard about
me and Ross.

But I've been obsessing about it
and would love not to talk about it.

I don't know if this falls
under that category...

but Ross is right back there.

- That's not Ross.
- Not that guy.

He does look like him, though.

Ross is in the bathroom.

Oh, my God! It's happening.
It's already started. I'm Kip.

Yeah, you're not Kip.

Do you even know who Kip is?

Who cares? You're Rachel.

Who's Kip?

My old roommate.
We all hung out together.

Oh, that poor bastard.

You told me the story.
He and Monica dated.

When they broke up, you all
promised you'd stay his friend.

And what happened?
He got phased out.

- You won't be phased out.
- Of course I am.

It won't happen to Ross. He's your
brother, your college roommate.

Kip didn't even have to be Kip.
We handled that all wrong.

It was a long time ago.

And it was before you and me were around.
They didn't know what they were doing.

Chandler had a mustache,
for crying out loud.

It was just a matter of time.

I just assumed Phoebe
would be the one to go.

You live far away,
you're not related.

You lift right out.

Hey, Mr. Bing.

That hotel you stayed at called.

Someone left an eyelash curler
in your room.

Yes, that was mine.

I figured you met
a girl and she left it.

That would have made more sense.

I don't even feel like
I know you anymore.

All right, I'm just going
to ask you this one time.

Whatever you say,
I'll believe you.

Were you or were you not...

on a gay cruise?

I'm sorry about the whole
"lifting out" thing.

You gotta come with me.

- Where?
- Wherever I go.

You and me, we'll start a new group.
We're the best ones.

Okay, but try to get Joey too.

Phoebe, do you mind if I
speak to Rachel alone?

Sure.

Bye, Ross.

Forever.

Why are you here?
Isn't this against the rules?

I talked to Monica.

Look, I'm the one
who made the choice.

I'm the one who's making
things change.

So I should be the one to,
you know, step back.

No, no, it's okay. Really.

Plenty of people just see their
sisters at Thanksgiving...

their college roommates
at reunions...

and Joey at Burger King.

Is that better?

No, it's not better.

I still don't get to see you.

What would you do?
If you were me, what would you do?

First, I'd have said
the right name at my wedding.

I can't believe this.

I know.

I am so sorry.

I know that too.

Hey, Rach?

Sorry to interrupt, but Phoebe said
you want to talk to me about a trip?

I just came over to drop off...

nothing.

So that weekend kind of sucked.

Yeah, it did.

So I guess this is over?

You know, you and me.
I mean, it had to end sometime.

Why exactly?

Because of the weekend.
We had a fight.

Chandler, that's crazy.

If you always gave up
after a fight...

you'd never be with anyone
longer than

This isn't over?

You are so cute!

No, no. It was a fight.

You deal with it and you move on.
It's nothing to freak out about.

Really? Okay, great!

Welcome to an adult relationship.

We're in a relationship?

I'm afraid so.

I heard you saw Donald Trump
at your convention.

Saw him waiting for an elevator.

Can I use your eyelash curler?
I lost mine.

It's in the bathroom.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yes.

Yes.

You?

And you?

But you cannot tell anyone.
No one knows.

But how? When?

- It happened in London.
- In London!

We didn't want to make
a big deal out of it.

But it is a big deal!
I have to tell someone!

You can't.

- Please. Now, I know this is hard.
- It is. It hurts.

We just don't want to deal with
telling everyone.

Please just promise you won't tell.

All right.

Man, this is unbelievable!

I mean, it's great!

But...

I know. It's great!

I don't want to see that!

We're so stupid.

Do you know what's going on in there?
They're trying to take Joey!

"The most popular Phoebe in tennis
is called the overhand Phoebe.

If you win, slap your opponent
on the Phoebe and say, 'Hi, Phoebe!'"

That's cute.
We really all enjoyed it.

- But it doesn't count.
- For what?

Just count in our heads
as good Mad Libs.

- I gotta go.
- Fun's over.

Wait, if we follow the rules...

it's still fun
and it means something.

I'm going to take off.

Guys, rules are good!

Rules help control the fun.