Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 4 - The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS - full transcript

Come in.

I've been waiting for you.

Hi, I just

Oh, my God! Monica!

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry! I was

I was taking a nap.

Since when do you
take naps in that position?

Tell me you were waiting for a guy.
Please tell me.

Yes, I was. A guy.

From work.



I'm seeing a guy from work!

That cute waiter guy that looks like
a nonthreatening Ray Liotta?

That one!

Give me a second.
I'm just going to grab a jacket.

When I get back,
I want every little detail.

Maybe that's him.

It's just Joey and Ross.

Why aren't you at the movie?

Ross was so loud, they threw us out.

I had to talk loud
because the movie was loud!

- He's talking to London.
- Did he get in touch with Emily?

No, not yet. He's hoping that someone
will help him get in touch with her.

I don't care if I said some
other girl's name, you prissy old twit!

Way to suck up to the family!



I'm so glad you're all here. My office
finally got wrinkle-free fax paper!

The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

Hi, is this Nanny Hopkins?
I'm looking for Emily.

Waltham.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Is this 0-1-1-4-4-7-4-2...

9-3-4-7-4-2-6-7?

Oh, it's "4-3," not 4-2.

Well, which 4-2?

No, no! Vomit tux!

Don't worry,
I had it dry-cleaned.

Vomit tux?

Who vomited on?

You know what?
What you up to, Joe?

They're doing
this telethon thing on TV.

And my agent
got me a job as cohost!

That's great!

A little good deed for PBS,
plus some TV exposure.

That's the kind of math
Joey likes to do.

Oh, PBS!

- What's wrong with PBS?
- What's right with them?

Why don't you like PBS?

Right after my Mom killed herself,
I was in a bad place, personally.

I thought I'd write
to Sesame Street.

Because they were nice
when I was a little kid.

No one ever wrote back.

A lot of those muppets
don't have thumbs.

All I got was a lousy key chain, and
by that time, I was living in a box.

I didn't have keys!

I'm sorry, Phoebe.

I wanted to do a good deed,
like you did with the babies.

This isn't a good deed. You just
want to get on TV. This is selfish.

What about you having
those babies for your brother?

That's selfish!

What are you talking about?

It was a nice thing,
but it made you feel good, right?

Yeah, so?

It made you feel good
so that makes it selfish.

Look, there's no
unselfish good deeds. Sorry.

Yes, there are totally
good deeds that are selfless!

May I ask for one example?

Yeah, it's You know, there's

No, you may not!

Because all people are selfish.

Are you calling me selfish?

Are you calling you people?

Sorry to burst that bubble, Phoebe,
but selfless good deeds don't exist.

You know the deal
on Santa Claus?

I'll find a selfless good deed.
I'm going to beat you, you evil genius!

Oh, my God! It's Emily!

It's Emily, everyone!

I'm only ringing to say
stop harassing my relatives. Goodbye.

You can hang up, but I'll keep calling
everyone in England...

if that's what it takes
to get you to talk to me.

Really? About what?

Look, you're my wife.
We're married.

You know, I love you.

I really miss you.

I miss you too.

At least, I think I do.

She's talking.

When you said "the deal with Santa,"
you meant...?

That he doesn't exist.

Right.

Chandler, have you heard
about Monica's secret boyfriend?

Yeah, she might have mentioned him.

So, Mon, when are we going
to meet this new, secret waiter man?

I don't think he's
up to meeting everyone yet.

Yeah, I don't think he's up to it.

I want to meet this guy
who's the best sex she ever had.

Really?

That's what you heard?
You said that?

I might have.

Why is that funny?

Because I'm very happy for him.

And you! You lucky dog!

She's willing to work
on the relationship.

That's great!

In London.

She wants me to move to London.

But you live here.

You know that.

- What will you do?
- I don't know.

- I mean, I can't leave Ben.
- You can just video-conference with him.

I'm not ready to have a child.

I bet if I talked to Carol and Susan...

I could convince them
to move to London with Ben.

I'm sure your ex-wife
would be more than happy to move...

so you can patch things up
with your new wife.

It could happen.

Ross, we are not moving to London.
We already have lives here.

But it'd be great.
They have great theater...

great accents.

Tea.

They have a queen.

- So?
- She's a woman.

- Daddy!
- Hey!

Guess what? We're moving to London!

- Who's going to London?
- Nobody's going to London.

Welcome to London, governor.

Right, right. It'll be great because
we'll have Big Ben and little Ben...

in the same city.

Go pack!

See? See, he wants to go.

Yeah, we leave all our big decisions
to the 3-year-old.

Come on, come on.
It'll be just like Three's Company...

only there's a kid and my wife...

and you're the gay ones.

How you doing? Welcome.
Good to see you.

This'll be your phone.

That's great.

But I'm not really
expecting a lot of calls.

No, you answer it
and take pledges.

But I'm the host.

Gary Collins is the host.
You'll be answering the phone.

You don't seem to understand.
I was Dr. Drake Ramoray.

Well, here's your phone, doctor.

I can't believe I can't find
a selfless good deed.

You know that old guy
that lives next to me?

I snuck over there and raked up
the leaves on his front stoop.

But he caught me, and he
force-fed me cider and cookies.

Then I felt wonderful.
That old jackass!

Maybe Joey's right.
Maybe all good deeds are selfish.

I will find a selfless good deed.
I gave birth to three children...

and I won't let them be raised
in a world where Joey's right!

Can I ask you a cooking question?

If you're cooking on the stove...

that means your new boyfriend
is better in bed than Richard?

Is he?

I think I'll respect the privacy
of my new, secret boyfriend.

Why?

If this guy was me...

and it's me who'd learned that it was
me who was the best you'd ever had...

I'd be like this:

All right, Emily.

As much as I love you...

I'm sorry, I can't
move to London without Ben.

I understand that would be difficult.

Would you consider moving here?
You were moving here anyway.

Why can't you just do that?

I don't know. It's just

But I know that even though I've been
a complete idiot up till now...

you have to come here.

You have to, so we can
work this out together.

All right.

Did you just say "all right"?

I did. Now I'm the idiot.

Emily, that is so great!

It'll be great!

We're going to be
like two idiots in love!

There's one thing that
really scares me still.

- Yes, tell me.
- You must understand...

how humiliating it was
for me at the altar...

in front of my family and friends.

I know. I am so sorry.

And then, after deciding
to forgive you...

seeing you at the airport,
catching our plane with her.

Again, very sorry.

I mean, I can't be
in the same room as her.

It drives me mad thinking of you
being in the same room as her.

Emily, there is nothing
between Rachel and me.

I love you.

All right.

I'll come to New York,
and we'll try to make this work.

That's so great!

As long as you
don't see Rachel anymore.

I asked Emily
if she would come to New York.

And she said yes.

Great!

Only if I promise
never to see Rachel again.

What? You can't

What did you say?

I'd think about it. How am l
supposed to make this decision?

I'm actually asking you!

Rachel is one of your best friends.

But Emily's his wife!

That's true!

You can't just cut Rachel
out of your life!

That's true!

Thanks for the help.
Problem solved!

When will you be on TV?

There was kind of a mix-up
in my agent's office...

but I'm still on TV,
and that's good exposure.

You're not on TV.

How about now?

There he is!

Hello, New York!

Maybe just put the whole duck in there.
Who cares?

Now I got the legs.

How many times have I told you
to never watch the cooking channel?

I need that broiling pan
that Joey borrowed.

That was yours?

We used it when the duck
was throwing up caterpillars.

Williams-Sonoma,
fall catalog, page 27.

Expect it in 4 to 6 weeks.

Joey's at the telethon
for the rest of the day.

We have the place to ourselves.

Yeah, so?

Maybe you'd want to book some time
with "the best you've ever had."

You know what, champ?

I think I'll pass.

Why?

What's your point?

With all the stupid gloating,
would you want to sleep with you?

Well, I think I'd be a little out of
my league, but I'd give it a shot.

PBS Telethon.

I just wanted to let you know
that I found a selfless good deed.

I went down to the park
and I let a bee sting me.

What good is that going to do?

It helps the bee look tough
in front of his bee friends.

The bee is happy,
and I am definitely not.

You know, the bee probably
died after he stung you.

Damn it!

Back on in 30 seconds, people!

Excuse me,
would you mind switching with me?

No way. I'm in the shot, man.

- You've been here all day!
- I'm taking pledges.

And we're on three, two....

Welcome back to our fall telethon.

If you've been enjoying
Cirque du Soleil...

and you'd like to see more,
it's very simple.

All you have to do
is call in a pledge...

and tell one of our volunteers
what type of programming you

- Quick broiling pan question
- Yes, it really does cost that much.

Maybe next time your duck can puke
in something from Pottery Barn.

That's it. I cannot make this decision.
It is too difficult.

I leave it entirely
up to the gods of fate.

A Magic 8 Ball?

You can't make this decision
with a toy!

It's not a toy.

I don't know what else to do!

I either keep my wife
and lose one of my best friends...

or I get divorced
for the second time before I'm 30.

If anyone else has
a better suggestion, let's hear it.

Because I got nothing!
Don't be shy.

Any suggestion will do.

Okay, then.

Here we go.

Magic 8 Ball...

should I never see Rachel again?

"Ask Again Later."

Later is not good enough!

"Ask Again Later."

What the hell?

This is broken! It is broken!

Let me see.

Will Chandler have sex tonight?

"Don't Count On lt."

Seems like it works to me.

Okay, one more time.

Should I never see Rachel again?

Magic 8 Ball! What did you ask?

Does...

Rachel get to pick the movie
that we're all going to see tonight?

Excellent. What's the answer?

Looks like Stella's gonna get
her groove back tonight!

What? I heard it was good.

PBS Telethon.

Hi, Joey.

Hey, Phoebe.

I'd like to make a pledge.

I would like to donate $200.

Two hundred dollars?

You sure?
After what Sesame Street did to you?

I'm still mad at them,
but they bring happiness...

to lots of kids
whose moms didn't kill themselves.

By supporting them, I'm doing a good
thing, but I'm not happy about it.

So there! A selfless good deed.

You don't feel good
about donating the money?

No, it sucks!
I was saving up to buy a hamster.

A hamster?
Those things are, like, $10.

Not the one I had my eye on.

It looks like we have surpassed
last year's pledge total.

Thank you!

And the pledge that did it
was taken by one of our volunteers.

Oh, boy! And may I say,
one of our sharpest dressed volunteers.

Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!

Oh, look!

Joey's on TV!

Isn't that great?

My pledge got Joey on TV!
That makes me feel so

Oh, no!

Look...

I got carried away before,
but there's something you got to know.

If I'm the best, it's only
because you made me the best.

Keep talking.

I was nothing before you.

Call the other girls and ask.

Which wouldn't take long.

But when I'm with you,
and we're together...

oh, my God!

- Really?
- Oh, my God!

I understand if you never
want to sleep with me again.

But that would be wrong.

We're too good.

We owe it to sex!

If we owe it!

Oh, my!

When will Joey be home?

I was kind of hoping
we could do this without him.

No, no, no! Leave the gloves on.

I cleaned the bathroom.

Why don't we lose the gloves.

All right.
Let's show them how it's done.

- You know that wasn't part of it?
- I know.

You ready?
We're going to be late.

- For what?
- For Stella, remember?

She's getting her groove back
in 20 minutes.

I totally forgot about that.

Can I take a rain check?
I'm waiting for a call from Emily.

Sure, I guess.

I hear you don't have to
go to London.

It's not that easy. There's still
a lot of relationship stuff.

Like what?

Just stuff.

You know, kind of what Emily wants.

Talk to me. Maybe I can help.

You can't help.

I have to do this
without your help.

I know you can do that too.
I'm just saying if you need to talk....

Thanks.

Whatever it is that Emily wants...

just give it to her.

The bottom line is that you love her.

Fix whatever she wants fixed.

Just do it.

You're going to have to try.
You'll hate yourself if you don't.

Come on, answer it!

Hi, sweetie.

Good.

Yes, I've been thinking...

about that thing
you wanted me to do.

I can do it.

Will you come to New York?

- Never done that before.
- Nope.