Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 3 - The One with Ross's Tan - full transcript

Hey, Chandler, why do you think
they call it foosball?

- Know what I like about you, Joe?
- What?

You're curious.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I'll drop Emma off at my mom's
if we're still on tonight.

- Oh, you bet. Yeah.
- Okay.

- Say, "Bye."
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- So you and Rachel tonight, huh?
- Yeah.

Yeah, it's actually
our first official date.

Wow, so tonight may be the night.
You nervous?



No. This is the part
I'm actually good at.

What must it be like not to be
crippled by fear and self-loathing?

It's okay.

How can you be so confident?

Well, I know exactly
what I'm gonna do.

- Really? Like, you have a routine?
- No. See, each woman is different.

You have to appreciate
their uniqueness.

- Really?
- No, I do six things.

First, I look deep into her eyes,
then I kiss her.

Next, I take my hand
and I softly graze her thigh.

You mean like this?

No, not like that. No, no.
No, like this:

I see what you mean.
That's quite nice.

- More foosball?
- And beer.



- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, stop staring at my wife's legs.

No, no. Stop staring
at your sister's legs.

I'm sorry, it's just...
How'd you get so tan?

She went to one of those
spray-on tan places.

That was supposed to be a secret.

Did I say spray-on tan places?

I meant surf contest.

Which she won.

You got a spray-on tan?

Chandler gets pedicures!

What? You do?
Like, with the toe separators?

Why? Why?

I can't believe that's sprayed on.

I mean, it looks really good.
I wonder if I should get one.

Sure, then you should get a miniskirt
so you can really show it off.

So do you get colors
or just French tips?

- Here. Here's their card.
- Thanks.

Hey, I know where this place is.

It used to be an X-rated video...

Florist.

- Hey.
- Hey, Pheebs.

You won't believe
who moved back to town.

I know. Amanda.

- She called me too. She's the worst.
- Who's Amanda?

She's this girl who lived
in the building before you did.

Then she moved to England and
picked up this fake British accent.

On the machine, this is her message:

"Monica, darling, it's Amanda calling."

Are you trying to do a British accent?

Chandler gets pedicures.

Just so I know, how many more
of those can I expect?

Know what Amanda said
when she called me?

"Oh, so sorry to catch you
on your mobile."

If you didn't wanna get me on my mobile,
then don't call me on my mobile.

And she always brags about
all the famous people she's met.

Oh, I know!

"I slept with Billy Joel."

All right, who hasn't?

What are we gonna do?
I don't wanna see her.

Let's just cut her out.

- What?
- Cut her out of our lives.

Just ignore her calls
and dodge her till she gets the point.

Well, I guess we could try that.
But it seems so harsh.

- Have you ever done that?
- No. Had it done to me, though.

Feels good.

All right, Mr. Geller, right this way.

So how dark do you wanna be?
We have one, two or three.

Well, I like how you look.
What are you?

- Puerto Rican.
- Two. I think a two.

You'll face the red light.

When the light's on, the spraying's
about to start, so close your eyes.

When the spraying stops,
count to five...

pat yourself to avoid drip marks,
then turn to get your back. Got it?

Spray, count, pat and turn.
Spray, count and pat.

- You catch on quick.
- Well, I have a Ph.D., so....

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi, three...

Wait, wait! I'm not...
I'm not finished counting!

You sprayed my front twice!

- You never turned?
- No! I barely got to "three Mississippi"!

Mississippi? I said count to five.

Mississippi-less-ly?

Well, how bad is it?

Not that bad yet. But it gets
darker for the next four hours.

- So how dark will it get?
- You got sprayed with two twos and...

I'm a four?

Yeah, but your back's a zero.
You'll wanna even that out.

Really?

- You might wanna get back in there.
- Oh, okay!

Wait a minute,
there's no light on the back wall.

How do I know
when it's gonna start? Hello?

My eyes!

The same thing happened again!

- You got two more twos?
- I'm an eight!

Thanks for dinner.

I thought you paid.

Guess we won't be going back there.

- So....
- Yeah.

Hey, what do you say we move this
onto the likes of the couch?

I say cheesy line, but okay.

- What's the matter?
- I don't know. I'm sorry.

- I don't know why I did that.
- Okay.

Okay. Sorry.

I'm sorry. Again, I don't know
what happened. I must be nervous.

I don't get it. Chandler loved it.

I promise. I won't do it again.
I really do. This is gonna be great.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Was that good for you?

No, don't get it.
Let the machine pick up.

Yeah, it could be Rachel asking
if someone could babysit again.

- It could be Amanda.
- Oh, you're right.

I was just kidding about Rachel.
Babysitting's a gas.

Hello, Monica.
It's Amanda calling again.

I'm in the neighborhood,
hoping I could pop by your flat.

You're from Yonkers!
Your last name is Buffamonteezi!

Let's see.
So should you get this directly...

ring me back on my mobile.

Okay, don't hold thy breath.

- Hello? Is someone on the line?
- Yes. I was looking for Monica.

Hang on, she's right here.

- Someone's on the phone for you.
- We weren't picking up. It's Amanda.

I get pedicures.

Hi, Amanda.

Actually, now is not a good time.

Dinner tomorrow night?

Okay, Phoebe and I will see you then.

Why? Why?
Why didn't you just say no?

Well, I said no to her coming over now.
I couldn't say no twice.

I got this uncontrollable need
to please people.

Fine. Fine. You would not
hold up well under torture.

- Oh, and you would?
- I did.

- Rach, are you sure you wanna do this?
- Absolutely.

It's just a little weird.
It's you, and it's me.

- It'll just take some getting used to.
- Okay.

Okay, well, how can
we make it easier?

Okay. Let's work from the top down.

- Just work the bra, Joe.
- Okay, got it, yeah. Absolutely.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Is this thing welded shut?
- Okay.

- You want a little help?
- No.

- Okay.
- I can handle it. Okay?

- I've been opening these since I was 9.
- Nine?

- What kind of 9-year-old girl wears a bra?
- No, no. I was 9.

See, she was 16. Okay? Yeah.

My parents had... I can't talk
and work at the same time!

All right, turn around.
I gotta get a look at this thing.

Sorry.

Well, this is romantic.

I'm sorry. This has never
happened to me before.

I'm an expert at taking off bras.
I could do it with one hand.

I could do it with my eyes closed.
Once I just looked at one...

and it popped open.

- I blame your bra.
- It's a standard-issue bra clasp.

Then I blame you. Yeah. That's right.
You threw me off with all your slapping.

Okay, look, I'm really sorry
about that, Joey.

But do you think maybe, on some level,
you don't want to take off my bra?

No, I don't have another level.

Hi.

Oh, dear God.

Hold on. There's something different.

I went to that tanning place
your wife suggested.

Was that place the sun?

Oh, and it gets worse.

Oh, my God, you can do a duet
of "Ebony and lvory" all by yourself.

How could you mess this up?
It's so easy.

You go in the booth,
count to five and turn around.

- How do you count to five?
- One, two, three...

Damn it!

I know!

What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?

How was your date with Joey?

Well, it was good,
until we got back to our apartment.

And then we were fooling around and
he started to put his hand up my leg...

and I kept slapping it away.

You didn't like that?

Well, it wasn't just me, all right?
He freaked out too.

He couldn't even undo my bra.

Really? One time he just looked
at my bra and it popped open.

I do not know what's wrong with us.

We've kissed before
and that's been great.

But this time
it was leading somewhere...

and I was very aware of the fact
that it was Joey touching me.

You guys have been friends forever.

The first time you kissed Ross
was weird.

You couldn't stop laughing.
You got through that.

Okay. That's true.
That's true, we can do this.

You're right. We can do this.
We'll just power through.

Chandler, can I talk to you
for a second?

No need, problem solved.
We are powering through.

Chandler, stop.
It's not going to pop open.

You don't know.

- Hi, Phoebe.
- Hey.

- Is Amanda here yet?
- No.

I'm sorry for screwing up that "cutting
her out" plan, but I have a new plan.

Chandler will call in a few minutes
with an emergency.

Okay, what kind of emergency
gets us both out of here?

What do you think of Mike and Chandler
being in a car accident?

- Are you kidding? I love it!
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hello!

It's so nice to see you.

Both of you, look at me.
Look how young I look!

Oh, gosh, we have
so much to catch up on.

But first things first. Touch my abs.
I don't exercise at all.

Oh, gosh. So, Monica, you're married.

- Yeah, his name is Chandler and he's...
- Oh, smell my neck.

It's not perfume. It's me.
It's my natural scent.

Musty.

Gosh, this is brilliant.
Gosh, it's just like old times.

I'm so happy you two
are friends again.

- When were we not friends?
- Well, it was 1992.

And I remember, because that was
the year I had sex with Evel Knievel.

We were friends in 1992.

No, I distinctly remember
you were dodging her calls...

and trying to avoid seeing her.

- You were going to cut me out?
- Well, kind of.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, bugger.

Should I not have said that?
I feel like a perfect arse.

Well, in America, you're just an ass.

Hello?

Chandler, what's wrong?

Oh, my God, are you all right?
Yeah, I'll be right there.

I'm so sorry, but Chandler
was in a car accident.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

- Was Mike with him?
- Nope.

- Got the champagne?
- Yes. Ready to power through.

Excellent. Put it on ice,
the phone is off the hook...

and, in the interest
of powering through....

Oh, sure. Now. Yeah.

Okay, sexy...

very sexy. Sexy.
All right, let's do it!

Okay, you're scaring me a little bit.

Get over it, soldier,
we gotta do this.

- Okay. You like that, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

You like that? Let's kick this
into high gear, huh?

Yeah, baby!
I'll show you how we do it!

No, no, no!

You kneed me in my misters!

What? Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Joey? Are you okay?

Soldier down.

We are not friends
with Phoebe anymore.

If she asks,
I protested a little, but okay.

I just found out
that she tried cutting me out.

Can you think of any reason
why someone would want to do that?

What is wrong with me,
Chandler? Tell me.

I had a very bad car accident.

Chandler, thank God you're alive.
Monica, can I talk to you outside?

- I have nothing to say to you.
- My flat is twice this size.

You know, they asked me
to be one of the Spice Girls.

Please, Monica, in the hall?

Oh, that accident
must have been terrible.

You look positively ghastly.

Well, aren't you a treat.

I can't believe you tried to cut me out.
Why, Phoebe? Why?

It was right after we
were living together...

and you were driving me crazy, okay?

You were really controlling
and compulsive and shrill.

Well, I'm still all those things!

You're also so generous
and kind and scrappy.

I am scrappy.

Exactly. No matter what I tried to do,
I couldn't keep you out of my life.

Of all the people I've cut out...

you were the only one
who ever clawed her way back in.

That's because I'm scrappy.

Yeah, you are, and I'm so glad that
you fought your way back in...

because I don't know what
I would do without you.

I don't know what
I would do without you.

Well, I guess we should go back in.
I mean, you gave me another chance.

- We should do the same for Amanda.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.

Can you believe it? I've never had
any professional dance training.

Now, let me explain how this works.
You go into the booth and...

I'm gonna stop you
right there, Glenda. Okay?

Does it look like this is
my first time?

Now, I want four two's,
and I want them all on my back.

Okay.

Wait. There's two sets of nozzles!
Which one is it? Which one is it?

Oh, son of a bitch!

Are you kidding?

- How did we do?
- I'm a twelve.

What is the matter with us?

Well, I know what's
the matter with me.

No, I mean with us, you know?
I mean, is it supposed to be this...

difficult?

I don't know.

That fake British woman's a real bitch,
but she sure can dance.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hey, listen, can I ask you a question?
When you and Monica first hooked up...

was it weird going from friends
to more than that?

Kind of. Sneaking around,
having to hide from you guys...

No, no, no. No, I mean...

sexually.

Yeah, was there a part
of you that felt like it was...

really wrong?

Actually, no.
No, it felt right, you know?

If felt like, "l can't believe we haven't
been doing this the whole time."

I can tell from your expressions that's
the good news you were hoping for.

Well, I'm gonna go continue
to spread the joy.

Just because it happened that way
for them doesn't mean it has to for us.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, just because something's
difficult doesn't mean that you quit.

- Right, totally.
- Yeah. And so...

we'll just keep trying
and trying until we do it.

If not, we'll just be a couple
that never has sex.

That's a plan.

- I did not see this coming.
- I know.

I don't know, I don't get it. I mean,
I was so sure this is what I wanted.

Me too.

Well, how come Monica
and Chandler could do it?

I guess they weren't
as good friends as we are.

I bet you're right.

So....

Yeah.

I love you.

Love you too.

- All right, I'm going to bed.
- Yeah, me too.

Yeah. I'm not going anywhere
for a while.

- Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in.
- Go away!

I don't wanna see anybody!

I went to the tanning place and the
same thing happened to me. Let me in.

Really?

Did you count Mississippi-ly?

You're not tan.

No. I just had to get a picture of this.
I'll see you later.