Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 2 - The One Where Ross Is Fine - full transcript

Okay, Ross.

I realize that you didn't expect
to walk in and see that, but....

- Let me explain, okay?
- We weren't doing anything!

Rach, he just saw us.

But what you saw,
that is the extent of it, okay? One kiss.

- That's a lie! We also kissed in Barbados.
- Dude, chill!

Okay, we also kissed in Barbados...

but we didn't plan it.
The only reason that that happened...

was because I saw you kiss Charlie.

Yeah, you started it!
I have got to chill.

Look, we probably should have talked to
you about this before it ever happened.



- But....
- Oh, we feel so terrible about this, Ross.

Yeah. But it did happen.

So....

Ross?

Ross?

Can we just close the door?

Ross, say something.

Anything.

So you two are...?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And have you had...?

- No. No, no, no.
- No. No.

But if I hadn't walked in here,
would you...?

Probably... No. No.



Ross, this is not how we wanted you
to find out about this.

You have every right to go nuts.

I'm not going nuts.
Do you see me going nuts?

No, but you know what I mean.

If you two are happy...

then I'm happy for you.

I'm fine.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

I'm fine.

Totally fine.

I don't know why it's coming out
all loud and squeaky...

because, really, I'm fine.

I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised
to see you guys kissing.

I mean, at first I was like:

But now that I've had time
to absorb it....

Loving this.

- Ross...
- It's all working out.

Me and Charlie. And you two.

- You know what we should do?
- Calm ourselves?

No.

We should all have dinner.

Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night.
I'll cook!

Look, don't you think
that would be a little weird?

Weird? What? What's weird?

The only thing weird would be
if someone didn't like Mexican food...

because I'm making fajitas!

I do like fajitas.

God, this adoption stuff
is so overwhelming.

There's inter-country adoption,
dependency adoption.

There's so many ways to go, and this is,
like, the biggest decision of our lives.

There's a hair in my coffee.

Hey, guys.

Have you seen Frank Jr.?
He's meeting me here with the triplets.

It's funny,
every time you say "triplets"...

l think of three hot,
blond 19-year-olds.

That's sweet.

Drink your hair.

Hey, what's all this stuff?

They're brochures
from different adoption agencies.

Babies! Oh, this one is so cute.

Get this one.

That's not really how it works.

- Oh, how does it work?
- I don't know!

If you're having a hard time,
you should talk to my friends...

Bill and Colleen. They adopted
a kid. I'm sure they'd help you.

Thanks, that would be great.

Hey, honey,
wouldn't that be great?

All right, all right.
Remember what we talked about.

When we're in a public place,
there are certain rules.

That's not what we talked about!

- Hi, Frank.
- Hi.

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.

- Hi, Frank.
- Hi. Hey, how you doing?

Oh, my goodness, they've all gotten
so big. Which one is which again?

Well, that's Frank Jr. Jr...

pulling the tampons out
of the lady's purse.

And that's Chandler
climbing on Chandler.

That's Leslie throwing bagels at him.

She's got quite an arm there,
doesn't she? Yeah.

Hey, guys, come give me a hug.

Triplets, hug your aunt!

It's like hugging fresh cookies.

Oh, okay.

I'm gonna eat you!

So how you been, Frank?

Oh, good, you know. Life is all right.
Just taking it day by day.

Seems like somebody needs something.

Oh, no. He's just trying
to pull my shoulder out of it's socket.

- Oh, my God.
- No, it's fine.

After I black out,
he tries to put it back in, so....

"Willing to adopt triplets?" No.

Can I just say, I know we're doing this
for Ross and that's cool.

But if it was up to me, this is not what
we'd be doing on our first date.

Well, what would we be doing?

I'd take you out
for a romantic night.

Some champagne, fancy dinner,
feel you up on the carriage ride home.

Feel me up?

In a carriage.

Well, maybe we can have our date
later on tonight.

You know, after this,
we'll go back to our apartment....

Right, right. Yeah.

We could put on some music,
light some candles, and then....

You want to say feel me up,
don't you?

I just think it's something we should do.

- Hey, Charlie!
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hey.

So...

- dreading this?
- Oh, you bet.

So did you bring
a little something for Ross?

Actually, it's some stuff you left
at my apartment.

Well, thanks.

And you can just give me
my stuff whenever you want.

Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out.

I thought I heard voices.

Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Joey.

And, oh, you're gonna have
to introduce me to your new girlfriend.

I'm just kidding. I know Rachel.
I know....

Come. Please come in. Come in.

Okay.
Well, we brought you some wine.

That is so thoughtful.

She's a keeper.

- And what did you bring me, huh?
- Actually, that's...

Underwear, a toothbrush...

and a Van Halen CD.

I can use all these things!

Gosh, Ross, you know,
you seem a little...

What? Fine? Because I am.

Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't...?
You see?

Who else is fine?

Come on.

Listen. Why don't you try to relax.
Maybe have a drink.

You know what,
that is a very good idea.

I'm gonna go make
a pitcher of margaritas.

Oh, God.

So adorable.

Look at them,
sleeping there like angels.

Yeah, I really cherish
these moments...

because before you know it,
they're gonna be awake again.

Well, they may be a handful...

- but they're so cute.
- Yeah.

Oh, God, last time I babysat them,
they did the funniest thing.

I haven't slept in four years.

That's a long time.

You just don't know
how hard it is, Phoebe.

There's just so many of them.

You know, two I could handle.

Two's great.
You just hold one in each hand.

What do I do when the third one runs
at me with his bike helmet on?

I got no more hands
to protect my area.

There's three of them, Phoebe.
Three.

Yeah, I know, Frank.

I counted them when they
were coming out of my area.

Sometimes, I think that...

Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it.
It's too horrible. No.

What?

No, no, I can't.

Oh, my God, Frank.
Are you thinking of leaving?

Because I didn't have those triplets
so you could run out on them.

Oh, no, I would never do that.
No. I just...

was thinking that, you know,
maybe you could take one.

What?

You can't separate them, that's terrible!
Which one?

Thank you so much for seeing us.

Phoebe has told us great things
about you guys.

Please, we're happy to help.

We went through the same thing
when we were adopting.

So a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees
and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?

I mean, you have a lovely home.

We appreciate anything
you can tell us.

Well, actually,
I think this might help.

It's pretty much...

- all the information you need.
- Oh, my God.

Everything is broken into categories,
then cross-referenced.

Then color-coded to correspond
with the forms in the back.

Thank you.

I think I just had a tiny orgasm.

I know the process is frustrating,
but it's so worth it.

Adopting Owen was the best thing
that ever happened to us.

That's great. Can I see the book?

You want me to wash
my hands first, don't you?

Please. It's just so pretty and white.

Bathroom is down the hall to your left.

I would have told him to do it too.

Can I adopt you?

- Hey, you must be Owen.
- Yeah.

I'm Chandler.
Hey, I was in the Scouts too.

- You were?
- In fact, my father was a den mother.

You know how to use a compass?

I have a badge in it.

- You do? That's fantastic.
- You want to see it?

I'd love to, but I gotta get back
to your parents.

They're telling us
about how they adopted you.

What?

What?

I'm adopted?

I got nothing.

I'm adopted?

No.

I didn't say that. I said...

you're a doctor.

A doctor.

Hey, doctor, my arm hurts.
Can you fix it for me?

I can't believe I'm adopted.

So you're not gonna fix my arm?

Well, that first batch of margaritas
was not so great...

but this second batch is good.

Well, maybe the next batch,
we could all get some.

Oh, God, this is fun, isn't it?

You know, just the four of us.

Just hanging.

Dude, are you okay?

And when are the fajitas
gonna be ready?

I'm fine, okay? I'm great.

I'm just... I'm just proud of us.

You know?
There's no weirdness, no tension.

No awareness.

We make a great foursome.
We should do more stuff together.

Let's take a trip!

We could all go on your boat.

Joey has this amazing sailboat.

Actually, Ross, I sold the boat
two years ago.

Oh, no. Idiot!

Well, yeah, but I could get another one.

- This trip sounds great.
- Yeah?

Okay, where do you think we can go?

My fajitas!

Look, Charlie,
I just want you to know...

Ross is just having a little trouble
adjusting to the thought of Joey and me.

You know, he normally
doesn't drink like this.

You know what, this is nothing.
My father is a raging alcoholic.

I'm sorry, have I made
this evening uncomfortable?

Fajitas! Be careful!
Very hot plate! Very hot!

Ross, you don't
even have oven mitts on.

That is gonna hurt tomorrow.

Okay, well, this is crazy.

We can't seriously be talking about me
taking one of your kids, can we?

Oh, no, of course we're not.

- That's insane.
- I know.

Alice would never go for it.

She's pretty tired too.
I think we could get her on board.

Well, just for argument's sake,
you know, hypothetically...

which one
would you be willing to give up?

Frank Jr. Jr.?

Well, it'd be great for my shoulder.

You'd be getting a really good one.

He's really funny.

Like, the other day,
he made up this joke:

What's green and says,
"Hey, I'm a frog"?

A talking frog.

Oh, no, you can't have him,
he's too funny.

Well, all right, that's fine.
What about Leslie?

Oh, no, no, not Leslie. No.

She's the only one that knows how
to burp the alphabet.

All right, so that leaves Chandler.

No, no, you can't have Chandler.
No, no. She's my little genius.

I got big hopes for her.

She's gonna be a doctor
or a realtor.

Wow, Frank,
I think we just ran out of kids.

Oh, I think you're right.

Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think
I can give one of them up.

I mean, you know, they drive me crazy,
but they're my babies.

I'm sorry, Frank,
I didn't realize things were so bad.

You know, I'll help out more.
I can baby-sit anytime you want.

You name the day and I'll be there.

- How about tomorrow?
- Well, that's not good.

But I can move some stuff around
and I'll be there.

You and Alice just take
the whole day together.

You'd do that for us?

Are you kidding?
That's what sisters are for.

Oh, look at them.

I love you so much.

Oh, crap, don't wake up!
Don't wake up!

- Where are Bill and Colleen?
- Kitchen, getting something to eat.

Can you believe
how nice they are?

We have to leave.

Why?
What did you do in the bathroom?

I didn't get to the bathroom.
I bumped into Owen on the way.

He didn't know he was adopted.
There's a slight chance...

l may have told him.

Oh, my God, where's my purse?
No, I can replace everything in there.

- Get that binder and let's go!
- Hi.

Some little snacks for everybody.

You don't have to eat the sour worms.
Those are for Owen.

I'll go get him in a second.

By the way, you should know,
we haven't told him he's adopted yet.

But kids are so intuitive.

Don't you think, on some level,
he already knows?

- I'm adopted?
- See? Intuitive.

What? Where did you hear that?

He told me.

And he paid me 50 dollars not to tell.

Which, technically,
now you should give back.

You told him he's adopted?

I'm sorry. You should have
a sign out there or something.

Or at least whisper it to people
when they come in the door.

"Owen doesn't know he's adopted,
and he also thinks Santa is real."

He isn't?

We have to get out of here, baby.

What is the matter with you?

All right, look, I know
what Chandler did was not the best...

but anyone would assume that
a 12-year-old has been told he's adopted.

- Yeah, he's 8.
- Wow, he's tall.

What country did you get him from?

Everyone, I would like
to make a toast...

to Rachel and Joey.

And to love.

Ah, love!

L-O-V-E. Love.

L is for "life."

And what is life without love?

Oh, my God, are we supposed
to answer?

O is for:

"Oh, wow!"

The V is for this...

very surprising turn of events...

which I am still fine with,
by the way.

E...

is for how...

extremely normal I find it...

that you two...

are together.

And that one day
you might get married...

and have children of your own.

- Dude, are you okay?
- Totally.

Ross, you don't seem okay.

I'm sorry, it must be
the pressure of entertaining.

I think everyone would
feel better if we had some flan.

Wait, Ross. Ross, l...
I have to take off.

- No!
- I'm sorry.

I have an early class in the morning.

But this has been lovely.

Wasn't it? And you thought it
would be awkward with Joey.

And that you never
really liked Rachel.

You are on fire!
I'll call you in the morning, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

God, Rachel, what Ross just said,
that's just...

That's okay.
Girls tend not to like me.

Fine.

Okay. I guess it's just flan for three.

Hey, that rhymes.

You know what, Ross,
I think we're gonna take off too.

Of course. God, I'm so stupid.

You guys are a couple now.

I mean, you probably
just want to be alone.

- No, it's just getting late...
- It's fine. It's totally fine.

I've got plenty of margaritas.
It's all good.

I don't even know what that's for.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna stay here
and make sure he's okay.

- That's probably a good idea.
- I'll see you in the morning.

Okay.

Yeah, you know, Joey, l...

I don't think he's ever
gonna be okay with this.

It doesn't look good, does it?

I guess I made Tater Tots.

Ross, oven mitts!

Morning.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

- Did you stay here all night?
- Yeah.

So you took off my pants and shoes?

No. No, no.

You actually did that when you
were dancing to the Chicago soundtrack.

Look, Ross...

about Rachel and l. Listen, you don't
have to worry about that...

because nothing's gonna happen.

What do you mean?

She and I said from the beginning...

we weren't gonna do anything
unless you were okay with it.

And clearly...

What are you talking about?
I'm fine.

- Are we still doing this?
- No.

It's okay, Ross.
You know, I totally understand.

Of course you're not fine. You're....

You're Ross and Rachel.

Yeah, except we're not.

I mean, we haven't been
a couple in, like...

six years.

My God, is that right?

Has it been that long?

That's what I hear, yeah.

This is crazy.
I mean, six years...

and because of me,
you guys aren't gonna be together?

Can I ask you something?

Really...

what is this thing
with you and Rachel?

Come on, you know me.
You know....

Joey.

I'm crazy about her.

And she feels the same way?

I think so.

Well, then...

maybe it's time we all moved on.

Yeah, but, Ross, I mean,
you're not okay with it, so...

No, but I want to be.

I will be.

Besides, I'm with Charlie, right?

Oh, my God,
I'm still with Charlie, aren't l?

- She didn't see the dance, did she?
- No, no, no.

No, that was...
That was just for me.

Hey, you...?

You sure about this?

Yeah, I'm sure.

And...

we're okay?

- Hey, Pheebs.
- Hey.

We just want to give
you a heads up.

- Bill and Colleen hate us.
- Why?

Owen didn't know he's adopted
and Monica told him.

What?

- He didn't know? He's 12.
- No, he's only 8.

I'll bet he's Russian.

Still, he had to find out sometime.

How would you like it if someone told
the triplets that you gave birth to them?

I'm gonna go tell Emma
she was an accident.