Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 4 - The One with the Cake - full transcript

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Honey, I got us that room at the
Woodford lnn this weekend.

That place in Vermont?
You can take a hint.

You can't go away this weekend.
It's Emma's birthday.

We're having a party.

Can't you have the party
when we get back?

No. It won't be her real birthday.

Gee, if only she were 1 and had
no idea what the hell a birthday was.

Come on, you guys,
this is really important to us.

Sorry, but Chandler and l
could really use a weekend away...

- you know, to reconnect, emotionally.
- There's this thing I really want us to do.



I read about it in Maxim.

Well, can't you just go
to Vermont the next day?

Yeah, we want everyone to be there.

As much as I hate to delay your doing
weird sex stuff to my little sister.

And, I mean, you know, you guys,
this is a big deal.

How can we have her first birthday party
without her aunt and her uncle?

I promise I won't do any magic.

All right, we'll stay.
We can just drive up after the party.

Fine. But if we end up not doing
this Maxim thing because of this party...

Believe me, that is not why
we won't be doing that.

You know, Pheebs, when I was little,
on my birthday...

my daddy would hide a present
in every room of the house.

And then he would draw a treasure map
to help me find them all.

I love family traditions like that.



When Ursula and I were kids,
on our birthday...

our stepdad would sell his blood
to buy us food.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

- I brought the camera for Emma's video.
- Oh, good!

We had this idea to make
a birthday video for Emma...

- and we'll give it to her when she's 18.
- Oh, cool.

- Wow, it's like a time capsule.
- Yeah.

Oh, just think, she's gonna be
watching that video on a TV...

that hasn't even been invented yet...

with friends who, right now,
are just, like, babies.

And they'll be living in a floating city
that the humans built...

to escape the ant people.

That's the hope.

- So is Emma awake yet?
- No, it's still naptime.

- But she'll be up soon.
- Where's Joey?

I said, it's still naptime.

- Hey, there's Uncle Joey.
- Hey.

Hey, say something to Emma
on her 18th birthday.

- Eighteen, huh?
- Joey, no!

What? What? It's for her hot friends.

When they see this, you'll be 52.

And starting to think about
settling down.

Joey, will you please set this up
for people to put Emma's presents on?

Love to. Yeah.

- We were supposed to bring presents?
- Yeah. I wrote Emma a song.

Oh, yeah.
How was I supposed to know?

- Joey, it's a birthday party.
- Yeah, but for a 1-year-old.

What's the point? The other day
she laughed for an hour at a cup.

Just a cup with a picture
of Elmo on it, dressed as a farmer.

And he's standing next to this cow,
and the cow says, "El-moo."

Man, that's a funny cup.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Where's the birthday girl?
- Oh, she's still napping.

She was probably up all night excited
about the party she knows is happening.

I know you guys really want to get to
Vermont, and this isn't a big deal to you.

But it really is to us, okay? Emma
will never have a first birthday again.

You're right. We're sorry.

Let's wake up Emma
and get the fun time started!

She didn't sleep well last night,
so we can't wake her.

Are you frigging kidding me, Greene?

- Hi!
- Hey!

- I'm so glad you came.
- I can't believe Emma's already 1.

I remember your first birthday.

Ross was jealous of all the attention
we were giving you.

He pulled on his testicles so hard...

we had to take him
to the emergency room.

There's something you didn't know
about your dad.

Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Geller.
Let me help you with that.

- Thank you.
- Oh, man, this is great, huh?

The three of us together again.
You know what would be fun?

If we gave this present to Emma
from all of us.

Which one are you?

- I can't believe Emma's still asleep.
- I know. What are we gonna do?

I've got a plan. I've got a plan.

I'm going to ram this platter
really hard into your ribs.

You're gonna scream out,
and that'll wake her up.

I'm not going to Vermont
with this Monica.

Hey, Pheebs? You know what?

I was thinking
since you wrote a song...

maybe I could do something
for Emma using my talents.

So you're gonna hit on her?

No, no, no. My talents as an actor.

You know, I could, like, maybe....

I could do a dramatic reading
of one of her books.

Or you could stick a fork in an apple.

- Hey, I think Emma might like it.
- Oh, Emma might like what?

- My present.
- What did you get her?

- We prepared performances.
- Separate performances.

But equally real.

That sounds like fun.

People are getting a little antsy waiting
for Emma to wake up from her nap.

So would you mind
performing them once now?

- Sure, yeah!
- Okay.

Okay. All right. Everybody,
let's get this party started.

Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform
a little something for us.

Oh, great.

Aren't you gonna be embarrassed
having nothing prepared?

I do it every week with three cameras
pointed at me and a whole crew waiting.

So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us?

I will be doing a dramatic reading
of one of Emma's books.

Oh, okay. Which one?

Well, it's one of her favorites.

"Riding the Storm Out: Coping
With Postpartum Depression."

Love You Forever.

"Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch.
Published by Firefly Books. Printed...

in Mexico.

A mother held her new baby
and very slowly rocked him...

back and forth, back and forth,
back and forth.

And while she held him, she sang,
'I'll love you forever.

I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living...

my baby you'll be."'

"And while he rocked her, he sang:

'I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living...

my baby you'll be."'

Oh, wow!

That was amazing.

Thank you so much for that gift.

I was not ready for this today.

- Amazing. Amazing.
- Phoebe, I'm sorry.

- Phoebe has prepared something as well.
- That's right.

I prepared a song for Emma,
from my heart to hers.

For there's no greater gift
than the gift of music.

Emma Your name poses a dilemma

'Cause not much else rhymes with "Emma"

Maybe the actor Richard Crenna
He played the commanding officer in Rambo

Happy birthday, Emma

Is that it?

No, of course not.

No, I've also, you know,
prepared a reading.

"Sex and the Single Mother."

- "Finding your G-spot."
- Oh, no, no, no!

Hello, Emma. Happy 18th birthday.

Right now, that seems
so far away, 17 years.

Yes. You'll be all grown up
by then, and we'll be....

Well, your grandfather and l
might not be here.

That's true. This message
could be coming to you...

from beyond the grave, Emma.

- After all, my parents died very young.
- And my cholesterol's off the charts.

Remember, Emma,
heart disease kills women too.

Okay, cut! Great. Great.
That was just....

- Yeah.
- Oh, good.

Ross, don't forget to get a shot
of Emma's cake.

- It's in a box in the fridge.
- Okay, sure.

You're gonna love this cake. I got it
from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's.

Oh, my God, that place has
the creamiest frosting!

I used to hitchhike there
when I was a kid.

Well, anyway, they make
these great novelty cakes...

in all different shapes. And if you give
them a photo, they'll copy it in icing.

- Did you do a picture of Emma?
- Yes. On a cake shaped like a bunny.

Rach? Does this bakery
by any chance also bake...

erotic cakes?

Say, for bachelorette parties?

Ross, what are you talking...?
Oh, my God!

They put my baby's face on a penis!

Now it's a party!

Wait, you guys, this isn't funny.

If I wanted this cake to be a disaster,
I would have baked it myself!

Is it okay that I still think
it looks delicious?

- Jack, look at this.
- I know what you're thinking, Judy.

The resemblance is uncanny.

I am this close to tugging
on my testicles again.

Ironically, that was the Maxim thing.

No, no, this is not what I ordered,
okay?

I went all the way to New Jersey
so that I could have the perfect cake...

for my daughter's birthday.
And I need a bunny cake right now!

Ask them if it would be faster
if we cut the baby's face off the penis...

so we could put it on the bunny.

That is a weird sentence.

Oh, believe you me,
I am going to bring this cake back.

I don't even want it in my home.
Don't touch it!

I'm so confused!

Yes, I still want my daughter's picture,
but on a bunny cake!

Yellow cake, chocolate frosting
with nuts!

To be fair, this one does have nuts.

Mon, it was nice of you
to loan Rachel your car...

- so she could get the cake.
- It was nice of her to pull my hair...

till I dropped the key.

Well, while we're waiting,
you could tape your message to Emma...

for her 18th birthday, huh? Okay?

Hi, Emma. It's the year 2020.

Are you still enjoying your nap?

We're Aunt Monica
and Uncle Chandler, by the way.

You may not recognize us...

because we haven't spoken
to your parents in 17 years.

We used to be married.

But then we missed a weekend away
together, and things kind of unraveled...

because of you.

- Happy birthday.
- Thanks. Another good one.

I can't believe I taped over
my Big Brother audition for this.

Ross, Rachel promised
it would be over by now.

We seriously have to go
if we want to get to Vermont.

- The last train leaves in a half-hour.
- And I have a massage client soon.

You guys, just, please,
a little bit longer.

I promise, Rachel will be back
with the cake any minute.

Monica, remember the frosting, huh?

All right, five more minutes.

Hello?

Oh, no, what happened?

Okay, okay, where are you?

Okay, I'll be right there.

Was that Emma? Is she up?

Rachel got pulled over for speeding.

She forgot her license.
I have to bring it to her.

- If you're leaving, I'm definitely going.
- Wait, if anybody gets to go, it's us!

We've been complaining the longest!

No, wait, you guys.
No, you can't leave.

Rachel already feels bad
that the cake's messed up.

How do you think she'll feel
when she comes back and you're gone?

I don't know. You'll tell us on Monday.

Joey, you're in charge, okay?
You make sure nobody leaves.

Got it!

Hey! Where do you think
you're going?

To the bathroom.

Well, the rest of you get comfortable,
because we are gonna be here for a...

- Wait, there's a window in there.
- No! He's not getting away that easy!

What are you doing?
Get the hell out of here!

Well, that one did not have
Emma's face on it.

- No, it did not.
- No.

Well, we'd better get going. It's late.

Jack can't drive at night anymore.
He has trouble staying in his lane.

Last winter I went up on a church lawn
and drove right through a manger scene.

The papers thought it was
a hate crime.

- Anyway, it was lovely seeing you.
- Okay.

- Bye. Bye, dear.
- Nighty-night.

- Nighty-night.
- Bye.

- How could you just let them leave?
- Hey, hey, hey.

I'm not gonna mess with Jack. He's
a great man. He fought for our country.

No, he didn't. He pretended to be
a Quaker to get out of Korea.

Well, that's it. He's the last one to go.
I'm locking you guys in.

You do know I can just turn them
the other way around, right?

Oh, I forgot you used to live here.

- Hello?
- Joey, it's Estelle.

- Hey.
- So how'd your audition go today?

- What audition?
- The one I told you about last week.

What? You never said anything
about an audition.

Let me start over.
I just got a call about an audition.

I think you can still make it.

It's down at the Astor Theater, and you
need to have a monologue prepared.

A monologue? I don't have a...

I got it.

So I'm gonna take off.

- What?
- No, wait! You don't get to leave.

I've got a massage client waiting
outside my door any minute.

And we paid for a room
that we're supposed to be in right now!

Well, okay, now...

only one of us has to stay
with Emma.

Okay, and as the person
who realized that, I get to go.

No, no, no. No. No.

Let's figure out a fair way
to decide who's staying.

Oh, I got it.

Okay, everyone pick a number from
one to 10, all right?

Whoever gets the highest number
gets to go first.

- Okay, 10.
- Okay, Monica picks 10. I call nine.

Anyone else?

- No, let's just draw straws.
- Okay.

Or we could flip a coin
and multiply the answer...

- I'm begging you to stop.
- Right.

Okay, how about this?
We got wind-up toys for Emma.

We can make them race,
and whoever comes in last stays.

Yeah, let's do that!

That sounds more fun than the thing
we were gonna do in Vermont!

- Okay, everybody, pick your toys!
- Okay. I want the dolphin!

- That's a bear!
- I'm too excited!

Phoebe, you get the bear.
Joey, you get the robot.

- Oh, yeah.
- And Chandler and I get the dog.

And the race is going to go
from here to here.

Now, the one who comes in last stays!

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
wind your toys.

- Okay. On your mark, get set, go!
- Go! Go!

Come on, robot!

What are you barking at?

Well, how is that gonna help?

I bought you! How did I forget
that that's all you do?

Way to go, robot!

Good job, Alan.

- Hey, good race, you guys.
- Yeah, see you later.

No. No, no. Wait.

We didn't lose.

The rules clearly stated that the last one
to cross the finish line was the loser.

Well, our dog never crossed
the finish line. So technically...

They left.

There isn't time to go to the bakery.
We're gonna come home.

Everybody left?

All right. Well, just tell Emma that
we'll be there as soon as we can. Bye.

- Rachel!
- Oh, God, sorry!

I can't believe they gave you a ticket.
You're such a good driver.

- Emma's awake.
- Yeah?

I can't believe this.

This is her first birthday, she's awake,
we're not even there.

Everybody left. We still have
this stupid obscene cake.

Hey, maybe I can fix that. You know,
try to turn it into something else.

Oh, don't even bother.

We've already ruined
her first birthday.

And do you know how important these
early experiences are, Ross? Very!

According to the back cover
of that book that you gave me.

Rach, she's not gonna remember this.

I guess.

Oh, I just had such an idea of what
this day would be like, you know?

Emma laughing...

and everybody gathered around
her cake, singing "Happy Birthday."

And then we would all... Hey, get out
of the road, you stupid student driver!

They have to learn.

- Hey.
- What?

This is not bad.

Oh, my God. Look, you made it
into a bunny. How did you do that?

Well, I just made these
two things cheeks.

And then I split this to make ears.

Well, I am very impressed.

Some can sing, some can dance.

I, apparently, can turn phallic cakes
into woodland creatures.

Now, another way to organize
your stuffed animals is by size.

I'm sorry, is this a game
for Emma or for Monica?

Game?

Emma, do you even know it's
your birthday today? You're 1.

One year old. That's little.

That's my girl.

That's how old you are.

Did I teach her that?
Did I just impart wisdom?

I want one.

Me too.

There's no one around.
Why don't we just take this one?

- And head to Canada.
- I was kidding.

I wasn't. Let's get going.

- Hey, are Ross and Rachel back?
- No, not yet.

- Oh, good, I didn't miss the party.
- What about your massage client?

I just felt so bad missing this. So I just
slipped him a little something, you know.

As long as I'm back in five
or six hours, it'll be all right.

Okay.

If Ross and Rachel ask, I've been
here the whole time. The whole time.

I've been here the whole time.

Joey, we just saw you come in.
You ran past us on the stairs.

I don't care that you left. I'm just glad
that you're here. Thanks, you guys.

Hey, guys, come on. You gotta see
what Emma just did.

- What?
- Emma, how old are you?

How old are you today?

Emma, that's right. You're that many.

Oh, my God, our daughter's a genius.

- This means...
- No! No science camp!

Damn it! I'll put a candle on the cake.

Oh, and, Emma, look at your
stuffed animals lined up so neatly.

Thanks.

Okay, here we go.

Emma's first birthday cake.

Go ahead, Emma,
blow out the candle.

Come on, Emma. You can do it.

- What's wrong? Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, nothing.

These are happy tears.

This is just what I wanted.

Hey, you made it into a bunny.

What is wrong with me? It looked
more delicious when it was a penis.

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

- And record.
- Okay.

Big Brother audition. Take one.

I guess you could say
I'm kind of a player.

Okay. Let's...

- Let's just try that again.
- Okay.

Hi, Emma.
Well, your first birthday is over, and...

Go! Go! Come on!

Go! Go! Come on!

Go! Go, Alan!
Run, you hairy bastard!