Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 24 - The One Where Rachel Finds Out - full transcript
Joey is taking part in a fertility study and he really likes his girlfriend Melanie but can't have sex during the study which lasts another week. The friends are having a barbecue for Rachel's birthday but without Ross because he has to go to China for the museum. Rachel unwraps the gift from Ross and its an antique pin exactly like the one her grandma used to have. Chandler lets it slip that Ross is in love with Rachel. Rachel goes to the airport to speak to Ross but he's already gone. Rachel decides to give her and Ross a chance and goes to pick him up at the airport.
Here's little Ben nodding off.
Aww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy.
- Look, he's got Ross' haircut. - Oh, let me see.
Oh, God! Is he just the sweetest thing?
You must just want to kiss him all over.
That would be nice.
- Pfft. - Pardon?
Nothing. Just a little extra air in my mouth. Pfft.
Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.
Oh, yeah, right. Including the waffles last week...
...you now owe me...
...17 jillion dollars.
I will, really, I'll pay you back this time.
Where's the money coming from?
I'm helping out at the NYU Med School with some, uh, research.
What kind of research?
Uh, just, you know, science.
Science.
Yeah, I think I've heard of that.
It's a fertility study.
Joey...
Please tell me you're only donating your time.
Come on, you guys. It's not that big a deal.
I just go down there every other day...
...and make my contribution to the project.
Hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get $700!
Wow, you're gonna be making money hand over fist.
Okay, we got the coleslaw. We got the buns.
We've got the ground-up flesh of formally cute cows and turkeys.
Men are here!
We make fire.
Cook meat.
Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back!
Cute, cute.
- Oh, Melanie called. She's gonna be late. - Oh, okay.
So how are things going with you two?
Is she becoming your special someone?
I don't know. She's, uh... She's pretty great.
Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?
You think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?
The man's got a point.
Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
Crazy bitch.
I still got a week left in the program, and according to the rules...
...if I want to get the money, I'm not allowed to conduct any personal experiments...
...if you know what I mean. - Joey, we always know what you mean.
- Hey. - Hey.
How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
I'm going to China.
Jeez, you say one thing and, eh...
You're going to China?
It's, uh, for the museum. Someone found a bone.
We want the bone, they don't want us to have it.
So I'm going to try to persuade them... It's a whole big "bone" thing.
Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for, like, a week.
So, uh, if you wanna reach me, you can't. So here's my itinerary.
Um...
- Here's a picture of me. - Oh, let me see.
Could you take it to Carol's now and then and show it to Ben so he doesn't forget me?
- Yeah. - Hi, Ben.
I'm your father.
I am The Head! Pahh!
This barbecue's gonna be very fun.
Is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.
- Oh, no, she's out having drinks with Carl. - Oh. Heh.
Hey, who's Carl?
- The guy she met at the coffeehouse? - No.
- See, there's this guy she met at... - The coffeehouse? Right.
So you do know who he is. Heh.
I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.
Hey, you know what? Tell them that bone story.
- Hi. - Hey.
Hey.
- I have to go to China. - The country?
No, this big pile of dishes in my Mom's breakfront.
Do you guys know who Carl is?
Let's see. Alvin, Simon, Theodore...
No.
- Well, Rachel's having drinks with him. - Oh, no!
How can she, when she's never shown interest in you?
Forget about her.
He's right, man. Please move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
Of course, there they just call it food.
Yeah? I guess. I don't know.
All right, just give her this for me, okay?
Listen, we're just looking out for you.
- I know. - We want you to be happy.
And I may only have a couple beers in me, but I love you, man.
I'm still on my first.
I just think you're nice.
Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this fruit-basket business.
We call ourselves "The Three Basketeers. " Ha, ha.
Like "The Three Musketeers," only with fruit.
Oh!
Okay.
- How do you like your burgers? - No. Presents first, food later!
Hold on there, tiger.
How's it going? How you holding up?
Well, not so good.
She thinks tonight's the night we're gonna complete the transaction...
...if you know what I...
And you do. Heh.
So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?
What do you mean?
You know, just be there for her.
Not following you.
Think about it.
Okay, I'm guessing this is from...
Well, thank you, Melanie.
- Okay, this one right here is from me. - Okay.
Hmm. Ah, it's light.
It rattles. It's...
...Travel Scrabble. - Ha, ha, hey!
Wow. Thank you.
This one's from Joey.
It feels like a book. I think it's a book. Feels like a book. And it's a book!
It's Dr. Seuss!
That book got me through some tough times.
There is a little child inside this man.
The doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
- Who's this from? - That's, uh, Ross'.
Ah.
Oh, my God.
He remembered.
Remembered what?
It was, like, months ago.
We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window.
I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was little.
Aw! I can't believe he remembered!
Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
Oh, it's so pretty.
- This must've cost him a fortune. - I can't believe he did this.
Ross? Remember when he fell in love with Carol...
...and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
What did you just say?
Crystal duck.
No, no, no.
The, um... The "love" part?
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's good. Just keep rubbing your head.
That'll turn back time.
This is unbelievable. I mean, this is unbelievable.
I know. This is really, really huge.
No, it's not. It's small, it's tiny, it's petite, it's wee.
Uh-uh. I don't think any of our lives will ever be the same ever again.
Is there a mute button on this woman?
I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross!
- Did you have any idea? - No, none.
My first night in the city, he mentioned asking me out...
...but nothing ever happened, so I just...
What else did he say? Does he want to go out with me?
Given that he's desperately in love with you...
...he wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
Ross?
All this time?
- I've gotta talk to him. - He's in China!
The country.
Wait, his flight doesn't leave for 45 minutes.
What about the time difference? From here to the airport?
Yes!
- You're never gonna make it! - I've got to try.
What are you gonna say to him?
I don't know.
Maybe you shouldn't go.
Right, because if you're gonna break his heart, that can wait.
Yeah, but if it's good news, tell him now.
Maybe I'll know when I see him.
Here, look. All right, does this help?
No.
All I know is, I cannot wait a week. This is just too big.
I've just got to talk to him. I've got...
- I'll see you later. - I love you!
Deal with me first!
All right.
Ross! Ross.
Excuse me, pardon me.
- Hi. Your boarding pass? - Hi.
No, I need to talk to my friend.
Sorry, you're not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.
He just went on. He's right there, in the blue jacket! Can I just...?
I'm sorry. Federal regulations!
All right, um, then could you please just give him a message for me?
Please? This is very important.
All right. What's the message?
Uh... I don't know.
Excuse me! Sir! Excuse me! Sir?
- I have a message for you. - What?
It's from Rachel. She loved the present. She'll see you when you get back.
What?
Toby, I don't know what she's talking about.
There's no Rachel!
Don't give me that deep freeze!
Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey!
I think I blacked out there for a minute.
It was nothing.
Well, now we gotta find something fun for you!
Ahh, you know what?
Forget about me. Let's, uh... Let's give you another turn.
Me, again?
Sure. Why not?
Boy! Somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow!
I gotta tell you, you are nothing like I thought you would be.
How do you mean?
I just had you pegged as one of those guys who are always, "Me, me, me!"
- Ha, ha. - But you...
...you're a giver.
You're, like, the most generous man I ever met.
I mean, you're practically a woman.
So, uh, Rach, do you want to save this wrapping paper?
It's only a little torn.
Are you gonna go for it with Ross, or should I throw it out?
I don't know.
Thought about it all of the way there...
...and I thought about it all the way back and, uh...
You know, it's Ross!
You know what I mean? It's Ross.
- Sure! - Sure.
I don't know. This is just my initial gut feeling...
...but I'm thinking...
...it'd be really great.
Oh, my God, me too! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law!
The best part is you already know everything about him.
It's like starting on the 15th date.
But it would be like starting on the 15th date.
Another good point.
No, I mean...
At the 15th date, you're already in a "relationship-y" place.
You're committed.
Huh.
What happens if it doesn't work out?
- Why isn't it working out? - I don't know, sometimes it doesn't.
Is he not cute enough for you? Does he not make enough money?
- No, I'm just... - Maybe there's someone else.
Is there? Is there someone else?
- No, there is no one else. - Then why the hell...
...are you dumping my brother? - Wha...?
- Hey, big... - Shh!
Spender.
She's still asleep.
- So how'd it go? - It was amazing.
You know how you think you're great in bed?
The fact you'd even ask shows how little you know me.
Well, it's like, last night I couldn't do the thing...
...that usually makes me great.
So I had to do all this other stuff.
And the response I got! Man, oh, man.
It was like a ticker-tape parade!
Yes I know. As it happens, my room is very close to the parade route.
It was amazing, and not just for her. Uh-uh. For me too.
It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind...
...but all my other senses are heightened.
You know? It's like, I was able to appreciate it...
...on another level.
I didn't know you had another level.
I know. Neither did I!
- Hey, great skirts! Birthday present? - Yeah.
- From who? - From you.
I exchanged the blouse you got me.
Well, it's the thought.
Doesn't Ross' flight get in in a couple hours?
At gate 27B?
Uh, yeah.
Monica, you know, I've been thinking about it.
I've decided this Ross thing is not a good idea.
- Why? - Because I feel...
...like I wouldn't just be going out with him.
I would be going out with all of you.
- Ugh, there'd be all this pressure and... - No pressure, no pressure!
Nothing has even happened yet and you're already so...
I'm not "so. "
I was a teensy bit weird at first...
...but I'll be good. I promise.
Who is it?
It's me, Carl.
Come on up.
Behind my brother's back?
Is the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.
- Seven hundred bucks. - All right, you did it.
Do we have any fruit?
Man, hell of a two weeks, huh?
You know what, though? I really feel I learned something.
So you'll stick with this "it's all for her" thing?
What, are you crazy?
When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this?
I'm just saying, if I see one more picture of Ed Begley Jr...
...in that stupid electric car...
...I'm gonna shoot myself!
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against environmental issues, per se...
...it's just that guy!
I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.
Excuse me, please. I'm trying to have a date here.
Fine, just stop thinking about me.
Can't do it, can you?
So I'm thinking about you. So what?
I don't get it. What do you see in this guy anyway?
Well, he seems to be a very nice guy.
I mean, come on, buddy! Get a real car!
Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
- Ross, it's too hard. - No, no.
Because it'll get weird for everyone else?
Who cares about them? This is about us.
I've been in love with you since the ninth grade.
- You're, like, my best friend. - I know.
- If we broke up, and I lost you... - Whoa.
Why do you think we'll break up?
Have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?
No.
But it only has to happen once.
You and I know we are perfect for each other.
Right?
So the only question is: Are you attracted to me?
I don't know.
I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.
Well start looking.
Wow.
Exactly!
And you just know I'm gonna be the guy...
...caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!
- Right. - Heh.
You're right.
- You know what? - What?
I forgot, I'm supposed to pick up a friend at the airport.
I am so sorry. I'm so...
If you want to stay and finish your drinks, please do.
I'm sorry, I gotta go. I'm sorry.
But...
Excuse me! Pardon me! Excuse me.
I'm sorry. Ha, ha.
Toby, for God's sake, will you let it go?
There's no Rachel!
- Oh, hey. I got that. - Oh.
- Thanks, sweetie. - No problem.
I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.
Really? You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?
No, they will. I just, uh...
- Can't wait. Heh. - Can't wait.
Come on, they're gonna love you.
[English - US - SDH]
Aww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy.
- Look, he's got Ross' haircut. - Oh, let me see.
Oh, God! Is he just the sweetest thing?
You must just want to kiss him all over.
That would be nice.
- Pfft. - Pardon?
Nothing. Just a little extra air in my mouth. Pfft.
Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.
Oh, yeah, right. Including the waffles last week...
...you now owe me...
...17 jillion dollars.
I will, really, I'll pay you back this time.
Where's the money coming from?
I'm helping out at the NYU Med School with some, uh, research.
What kind of research?
Uh, just, you know, science.
Science.
Yeah, I think I've heard of that.
It's a fertility study.
Joey...
Please tell me you're only donating your time.
Come on, you guys. It's not that big a deal.
I just go down there every other day...
...and make my contribution to the project.
Hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get $700!
Wow, you're gonna be making money hand over fist.
Okay, we got the coleslaw. We got the buns.
We've got the ground-up flesh of formally cute cows and turkeys.
Men are here!
We make fire.
Cook meat.
Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back!
Cute, cute.
- Oh, Melanie called. She's gonna be late. - Oh, okay.
So how are things going with you two?
Is she becoming your special someone?
I don't know. She's, uh... She's pretty great.
Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?
You think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?
The man's got a point.
Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
Crazy bitch.
I still got a week left in the program, and according to the rules...
...if I want to get the money, I'm not allowed to conduct any personal experiments...
...if you know what I mean. - Joey, we always know what you mean.
- Hey. - Hey.
How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
I'm going to China.
Jeez, you say one thing and, eh...
You're going to China?
It's, uh, for the museum. Someone found a bone.
We want the bone, they don't want us to have it.
So I'm going to try to persuade them... It's a whole big "bone" thing.
Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for, like, a week.
So, uh, if you wanna reach me, you can't. So here's my itinerary.
Um...
- Here's a picture of me. - Oh, let me see.
Could you take it to Carol's now and then and show it to Ben so he doesn't forget me?
- Yeah. - Hi, Ben.
I'm your father.
I am The Head! Pahh!
This barbecue's gonna be very fun.
Is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.
- Oh, no, she's out having drinks with Carl. - Oh. Heh.
Hey, who's Carl?
- The guy she met at the coffeehouse? - No.
- See, there's this guy she met at... - The coffeehouse? Right.
So you do know who he is. Heh.
I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.
Hey, you know what? Tell them that bone story.
- Hi. - Hey.
Hey.
- I have to go to China. - The country?
No, this big pile of dishes in my Mom's breakfront.
Do you guys know who Carl is?
Let's see. Alvin, Simon, Theodore...
No.
- Well, Rachel's having drinks with him. - Oh, no!
How can she, when she's never shown interest in you?
Forget about her.
He's right, man. Please move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
Of course, there they just call it food.
Yeah? I guess. I don't know.
All right, just give her this for me, okay?
Listen, we're just looking out for you.
- I know. - We want you to be happy.
And I may only have a couple beers in me, but I love you, man.
I'm still on my first.
I just think you're nice.
Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this fruit-basket business.
We call ourselves "The Three Basketeers. " Ha, ha.
Like "The Three Musketeers," only with fruit.
Oh!
Okay.
- How do you like your burgers? - No. Presents first, food later!
Hold on there, tiger.
How's it going? How you holding up?
Well, not so good.
She thinks tonight's the night we're gonna complete the transaction...
...if you know what I...
And you do. Heh.
So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?
What do you mean?
You know, just be there for her.
Not following you.
Think about it.
Okay, I'm guessing this is from...
Well, thank you, Melanie.
- Okay, this one right here is from me. - Okay.
Hmm. Ah, it's light.
It rattles. It's...
...Travel Scrabble. - Ha, ha, hey!
Wow. Thank you.
This one's from Joey.
It feels like a book. I think it's a book. Feels like a book. And it's a book!
It's Dr. Seuss!
That book got me through some tough times.
There is a little child inside this man.
The doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
- Who's this from? - That's, uh, Ross'.
Ah.
Oh, my God.
He remembered.
Remembered what?
It was, like, months ago.
We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window.
I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was little.
Aw! I can't believe he remembered!
Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
Oh, it's so pretty.
- This must've cost him a fortune. - I can't believe he did this.
Ross? Remember when he fell in love with Carol...
...and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
What did you just say?
Crystal duck.
No, no, no.
The, um... The "love" part?
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's good. Just keep rubbing your head.
That'll turn back time.
This is unbelievable. I mean, this is unbelievable.
I know. This is really, really huge.
No, it's not. It's small, it's tiny, it's petite, it's wee.
Uh-uh. I don't think any of our lives will ever be the same ever again.
Is there a mute button on this woman?
I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross!
- Did you have any idea? - No, none.
My first night in the city, he mentioned asking me out...
...but nothing ever happened, so I just...
What else did he say? Does he want to go out with me?
Given that he's desperately in love with you...
...he wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
Ross?
All this time?
- I've gotta talk to him. - He's in China!
The country.
Wait, his flight doesn't leave for 45 minutes.
What about the time difference? From here to the airport?
Yes!
- You're never gonna make it! - I've got to try.
What are you gonna say to him?
I don't know.
Maybe you shouldn't go.
Right, because if you're gonna break his heart, that can wait.
Yeah, but if it's good news, tell him now.
Maybe I'll know when I see him.
Here, look. All right, does this help?
No.
All I know is, I cannot wait a week. This is just too big.
I've just got to talk to him. I've got...
- I'll see you later. - I love you!
Deal with me first!
All right.
Ross! Ross.
Excuse me, pardon me.
- Hi. Your boarding pass? - Hi.
No, I need to talk to my friend.
Sorry, you're not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.
He just went on. He's right there, in the blue jacket! Can I just...?
I'm sorry. Federal regulations!
All right, um, then could you please just give him a message for me?
Please? This is very important.
All right. What's the message?
Uh... I don't know.
Excuse me! Sir! Excuse me! Sir?
- I have a message for you. - What?
It's from Rachel. She loved the present. She'll see you when you get back.
What?
Toby, I don't know what she's talking about.
There's no Rachel!
Don't give me that deep freeze!
Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey!
I think I blacked out there for a minute.
It was nothing.
Well, now we gotta find something fun for you!
Ahh, you know what?
Forget about me. Let's, uh... Let's give you another turn.
Me, again?
Sure. Why not?
Boy! Somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow!
I gotta tell you, you are nothing like I thought you would be.
How do you mean?
I just had you pegged as one of those guys who are always, "Me, me, me!"
- Ha, ha. - But you...
...you're a giver.
You're, like, the most generous man I ever met.
I mean, you're practically a woman.
So, uh, Rach, do you want to save this wrapping paper?
It's only a little torn.
Are you gonna go for it with Ross, or should I throw it out?
I don't know.
Thought about it all of the way there...
...and I thought about it all the way back and, uh...
You know, it's Ross!
You know what I mean? It's Ross.
- Sure! - Sure.
I don't know. This is just my initial gut feeling...
...but I'm thinking...
...it'd be really great.
Oh, my God, me too! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law!
The best part is you already know everything about him.
It's like starting on the 15th date.
But it would be like starting on the 15th date.
Another good point.
No, I mean...
At the 15th date, you're already in a "relationship-y" place.
You're committed.
Huh.
What happens if it doesn't work out?
- Why isn't it working out? - I don't know, sometimes it doesn't.
Is he not cute enough for you? Does he not make enough money?
- No, I'm just... - Maybe there's someone else.
Is there? Is there someone else?
- No, there is no one else. - Then why the hell...
...are you dumping my brother? - Wha...?
- Hey, big... - Shh!
Spender.
She's still asleep.
- So how'd it go? - It was amazing.
You know how you think you're great in bed?
The fact you'd even ask shows how little you know me.
Well, it's like, last night I couldn't do the thing...
...that usually makes me great.
So I had to do all this other stuff.
And the response I got! Man, oh, man.
It was like a ticker-tape parade!
Yes I know. As it happens, my room is very close to the parade route.
It was amazing, and not just for her. Uh-uh. For me too.
It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind...
...but all my other senses are heightened.
You know? It's like, I was able to appreciate it...
...on another level.
I didn't know you had another level.
I know. Neither did I!
- Hey, great skirts! Birthday present? - Yeah.
- From who? - From you.
I exchanged the blouse you got me.
Well, it's the thought.
Doesn't Ross' flight get in in a couple hours?
At gate 27B?
Uh, yeah.
Monica, you know, I've been thinking about it.
I've decided this Ross thing is not a good idea.
- Why? - Because I feel...
...like I wouldn't just be going out with him.
I would be going out with all of you.
- Ugh, there'd be all this pressure and... - No pressure, no pressure!
Nothing has even happened yet and you're already so...
I'm not "so. "
I was a teensy bit weird at first...
...but I'll be good. I promise.
Who is it?
It's me, Carl.
Come on up.
Behind my brother's back?
Is the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.
- Seven hundred bucks. - All right, you did it.
Do we have any fruit?
Man, hell of a two weeks, huh?
You know what, though? I really feel I learned something.
So you'll stick with this "it's all for her" thing?
What, are you crazy?
When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this?
I'm just saying, if I see one more picture of Ed Begley Jr...
...in that stupid electric car...
...I'm gonna shoot myself!
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against environmental issues, per se...
...it's just that guy!
I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.
Excuse me, please. I'm trying to have a date here.
Fine, just stop thinking about me.
Can't do it, can you?
So I'm thinking about you. So what?
I don't get it. What do you see in this guy anyway?
Well, he seems to be a very nice guy.
I mean, come on, buddy! Get a real car!
Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
- Ross, it's too hard. - No, no.
Because it'll get weird for everyone else?
Who cares about them? This is about us.
I've been in love with you since the ninth grade.
- You're, like, my best friend. - I know.
- If we broke up, and I lost you... - Whoa.
Why do you think we'll break up?
Have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?
No.
But it only has to happen once.
You and I know we are perfect for each other.
Right?
So the only question is: Are you attracted to me?
I don't know.
I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.
Well start looking.
Wow.
Exactly!
And you just know I'm gonna be the guy...
...caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!
- Right. - Heh.
You're right.
- You know what? - What?
I forgot, I'm supposed to pick up a friend at the airport.
I am so sorry. I'm so...
If you want to stay and finish your drinks, please do.
I'm sorry, I gotta go. I'm sorry.
But...
Excuse me! Pardon me! Excuse me.
I'm sorry. Ha, ha.
Toby, for God's sake, will you let it go?
There's no Rachel!
- Oh, hey. I got that. - Oh.
- Thanks, sweetie. - No problem.
I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.
Really? You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?
No, they will. I just, uh...
- Can't wait. Heh. - Can't wait.
Come on, they're gonna love you.
[English - US - SDH]