Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 23 - The One with the Birth - full transcript

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WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Dr. Johnson, you have a call on line 7.

She's not here yet.
She's having my baby and she's not here.

- Everything's fine. Has her water broken?
- I don't know.

But when I spoke to her, she said
she'd already passed the mucus plug.

[GROANS]

Do we have to know about that?

What are you gonna do
when you have a baby?

I'm gonna be in the waiting room,
handing out cigars.

Yes, Joey's made arrangements
to have his baby in a movie from the '50s.

Aah, I don't believe this. I mean,
she could be giving birth in the cab.

Oh, Ross, relax.



It's only like $2 for the first contraction...

...and then 50 cents
each additional contraction.

What, it's okay when Chandler does it?

You have to pick your moments.

- Hi. Did I miss it? Did I miss it?
- No, she's not even here yet.

- Oh.
MONICA: What's with the guitar?

I just thought we might be here for a while,
so, you know, things might get musical.

[ROSS SHOUTS]

ROSS: Hey, where the hell have you been?
- We stopped at the gift shop.

I was looking at stuffed animals,
and Susan wanted a Chunky.

Susan wanted a-- You're having a baby.
A baby. You don't stop for Chunkys.

- I used to have that bumper sticker.
- Ha, ha.

You see what I mean?

-"Stopped for a Chunky."
- Let it go, Ross.



I got an extra one. You want this?

No.

Hey, how's my favorite
parenting team doing?

Dr. Franzblau. Hi.

So I understand you're thinking
of having a baby.

Wow.

I see you're nine months pregnant.
That's a good start.

[CAROL CHUCKLES]

- How you doing with your contractions?
- Oh, I love them.

Each one's like a little party in my uterus.

Ha, ha. They're every four minutes
and last 55 seconds.

Fifty-nine seconds. Quartz. Ha.

Swiss quartz. Ha, ha.

- Am I allowed to drink anything?
- Ice chips, just ice chips.

- They're at the nurses' station.
- I'll get them.

SUSAN: No, I'm getting it. Be right back.
- No, I got it. I'm getting it.

Hi. Thought you might like
some ice chips.

CAROL:
Thanks.

And if you need anything else, I...

...do not believe we have met. Hi.

I'm Rachel Green.

I'm Carol's ex-husband's
sister's roommate. Ha, ha.

It's nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau.

I'm your roommate's brother's
ex-wife's obstetrician.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that's funny.

I want a baby.

Hmm. Not tonight, honey.
I got an early day tomorrow.

Get up. Come on, let's get some coffee.

Oh, okay, because we never do that.

Shoot, shoot, shoot.

Or just fall down. That's good too.

LYDIA: Knick fan?
JOEY: Oh, yeah.

- Oh, boy, do they suck.
- Hey, listen, lady, I--

Whoa.

Look. Look at your man Ewing.
Nice shot.

You know, he couldn't hit water
if he was standing on a boat.

Oh, yeah? And who do you like?

- Celtics.
- Celtics? Ha!

They couldn't hit a boat if-- Wait.

They suck, all right?

Shut up.
You know, it's a rebuilding year. You--

- Aah! Aah!
- Oh. Aah.

Uh, let me get the father. Hey!

We need a father over here!
We need a father!

There's no father.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, that's okay. I'm fine. I'm--

- Oh!
-on, uh--

Okay. All right. Uh, right this way.

All the other pregnant women
seem to be going in here.

Okay

[PLAYING FOLK MUSIC]

[SINGING] They're tiny and chubby
And so sweet to touch

But soon they'll grow up
And resent you so much

Now they're yelling at you
And you don't know why

And you cry and you cry and you cry

- Thanks, Ross.
- Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.

Okay

Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.

No fair. I don't even have one.
How come they get two?

- You'll get one.
- Oh, yeah? When?

CHANDLER:
I'll tell you what.

When we're 40,
if neither of us are married...

...what do you say you and I have one?

Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Oh, no, no, no.
I just meant hypothetically.

Okay, hypothetically,
why won't I be married when I'm 40?

- No, no, no.
- No, no, what is it? Seriously.

Is there something
fundamentally unmarriable about me?

- Uh-- Uh--
- Well?

Dear God. This parachute is a knapsack.

- Hey.
- Hey. Ooh.

- Look at you, dressy-dress.
- Yeah.

Did you go home and change?

Yeah, well, it's an important day.
I wanna look nice.

Um, has Dr. Franzblau been by?

No, I haven't seen him.

Well, where is he?
He is supposed to be here.

What if the baby needs him?

Rachel, what is the deal
with you and doctors?

- Is, like, your father a doctor?
- Yeah. Why?

No reason.

Mom, we've been through this.

No, I am not calling him.

I don't care if it is his kid.
The guy's a jerk.

No, I am not alone. Joey's here.

What do you mean, "Joey who?"

[MOUTHS]
Joey who?

- Tribbiani.
- Joey Tribbiani.

Yes. Okay. Hold on.

- She wants to talk to you.
- No.

Take the phone.

Hi. Yeah, it's me.

[JOEY CHUCKLES]

Oh, no, no, no. We're just friends. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm single.

Twenty-five.

An actor.

Hello'?

- She's not much of a phone person.
- Yeah.

So, uh, what's the deal
with this father guy?

I mean, if someone was having my baby
somewhere, I'd wanna know about it.

Hey, Knick fan, am I interested
in your views on fatherhood? Um, no.

Okay. Uh, look, maybe I should just go.

- Maybe you should.
- Good luck.

And, uh, take care, huh?

Know what the Celtics' problem is?
They let the players run the team.

Oh, that is so not true.

- Oh, it is. It is.
- It isn't. Isn't.

- Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
- Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

You're gonna kill me!

- Fifteen more seconds. Fourteen, 13, 12--
- Count faster.

It's gonna be okay. We're doing it for Jordy.
Keep focusing on Jordy.

Who the hell is Jordy?

- Your son.
- Whoa, whoa whoa.

I don't have a son named Jordy.

We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.

Well, Jamie was the name
of Susan's first girlfriend...

...so we went back to Jordy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean, "back to Jordy"?
We never landed on Jordy.

We just passed by it
during the whole Jesse/Cody/Dillon fiasco.

Ow, ow, ow!

- What'? What? What?
- Leg cramp, leg cramp.

ROSS: I got it. I got it.
- I got it. I'm doing it.

You get to sleep with her.
I get the cramps.

No, you don't.

- That is it. I want both of you out.
- What?

- She started it.
- He started it.

I don't care.

I'm trying to get a person
out of my body here...

...and you're not making it any easier.
Now go!

- Thanks a lot.
- See what you did?

- Yeah. Listen-
- Out.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Oh, no.

Ew.

What is that? Something exploded.

It's just her water breaking.
Calm down, will you?

Water breaking? What do you mean?
What's that, Water breaking?

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

- Oh, please. This is so your fault.
- How'? How is this my fault?

Look, Carol never threw me out of a room
before you came along.

Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did
before I came along.

- Are you trying to be clever?
- You are so threatened by me.

- Everything I say is a problem.
PHOEBE: Hey, hey, hey. Okay. All right.

That's it. Get in here. Come on.

My God, you guys. I don't believe you.

There are children coming into the world
in this very building...

...and your fighting noises are not
the first thing they should be hearing.

So just stop all the yelling! Just stop it!

Yeah, Susan.

Don't make me do this again!
I don't like my voice like this!

Okay, who wants to hear
something ironic?

PHOEBE & SUSAN:
Help!

ROSS: Come on!
PHOEBE & SUSAN: Help!

ROSS: I'm having a baby in there!
SUSAN: Hello?

- Help!
ROSS: Okay, everyone stand back.

Ow.

Are they here yet?

No, honey, but don't worry,
we're gonna find them.

And until we do,
we are all here for you, okay?

- Okay. Okay.
RACHEL: Okay?

Anyway, you were telling me about Paris.
It sounds wonderful.

It really was. There was this
great little pastry shop right by my hotel--

[CAROL YELLING]

There you go, dear. You...

Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push.

Push him out, push him out.
Harder, harder.

Push him out, push him out. Way out.

Let's get that ball and really move.
Hey, hey. Ho, ho.

Let's get--

I was just-- Yeah, okay.

Push, push, push.

What are you gonna do,
suck the door open?

_Help! Help! Help!
- Help!

[SINGING] And they found their bodies
The very next day

And they found their bodies
The very next--

La, la, la, la, Ia, la

ROSS & SUSAN:
Help!

No, Mom, everything's going fine, really.
Yeah, Ross is great. He's, uh...

He's in a whole other place. Yeah.
No, he's gone.

No, no, you don't have to fly back.
Really.

What do you mean,
this might be your only chance?

Oh. Would you stop? I'm only 26.

I'm not even thinking about babies yet.

[BABY COOING]

[SOBBING]

[CHANDLER MIMICS
STATIC CRACKLING]

- Where have you been?
JOEY: Oh, I just had a baby.

Mazel tov.

I don't know.
It could be an hour, it could be three.

But relax, she's doing great.

So, uh, tell me,
are you currently involved with anyone?

No. No, not at--
At the moment, no, I'm not, no.

- Are you?
- No, no.

It's hard enough to get women
to go out with me.

Heh. Right, yeah,
I've heard that about cute doctors.

No, no, really.

I suppose it's because
I spend so much time, you know...

...where I do.

- Oh.
- Mm.

I try not to let work affect my personal life,
but it's hard when you do...

...what I do. It's like, uh...

Well, for instance, what do you do?

- I'm a waitress.
- Okay, all right.

Well, aren't there times when you come
home at the end of the day...

...and you're just like,
If I see one more cup of coffee

Ahem. Yeah. Gotcha.

- I'm gonna check up on your friend.
- Okay, that's fine.

- So how did you know I was even here?
ROY: Your mom called me.

So is this her?

No, this is a loaner.

Listen, I'm sorry you had to do this
by yourself.

Oh. I wasn't by myself.
I had a doctor, a nurse and a helper guy.

So did you see who won the game?

Yeah, Knicks by 10. They suck.

Eh, they're not so bad.

ROSS:
Come on. Come on.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.
This is all your fault.

This is supposed to be, like,
the greatest day of my life.

My son is being born,
and I should be in there, you know?

Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.

I've been waiting for this
just as much as you have.

Believe me, no one has been waiting
for this as much as I have, okay?

And you know what the funny thing is?

When this day is over,
you get to go home with the baby.

- Where does that leave me?
- You get to be the father.

Everyone knows who you are. Who am I?
There's Father's Day. There's Mother's Day.

There's no Lesbian Lover Day.

Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

This is so great.

You wanna explain that?

I mean, well, because when I was
growing up, you know, my dad left...

...and my mother died,
and my stepfather went to jail.

So I barely had enough pieces of parents
to make one whole one.

And here's this little baby
who has like three whole parents...

...who care about it so much that they fight
over who gets to love it the most...

...and it's not even born yet.

It's just the luckiest baby
in the whole world.

I'm sorry. You were fighting.

Where are they?

- I'm sure they'll be here soon.
- They wouldn't miss this.

Relax. You're only at nine centimeters,
and the baby's at zero station.

Okay, you are really frightening me.

[CAROL SCREAMS]

Somebody wanna help me?
Trying to rip out my heart.

Uh-- Oh, that's great.
Anybody seen a nipple?

All right. Ten centimeters. Here we go.

- All right, honey, time to start pushing.
- But they're not here yet.

Sorry, I can't tell the baby
to wait for them.

Oh, God.

[ROSS GRUNTS]

Okay, got the vent open.

Hi, I'm Ben.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm hospital Worker Ben.

It's Ben to the rescue.

-[SINGING] La, la, la
- Okay, okay, okay.

- Ben, you ready?
- Yeah.

- All right, give me your foot.
- Okay.

- Okay, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Unh.
PHOEBE: Ooh.

- Come on, Ben. Okay. That's it, Ben.
PHOEBE: Okay. Uh-huh.

SUSAN:
What do you see?

PHOEBE: Well, Susan,
I see what appears to be a dark vent.

Wait.

Yes, it is, in fact, a dark vent.

[ROSS & SUSAN GASPING]

Pheebs, it's open! It's open!

Wait! You forgot your legs!

ALL: Push. Push.
- We're here!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

ROSS: We're here.
- Where have you been?!

Long story, honey.

FRANZBLAU:
All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing.

I need-- Excuse me, can I have this?

Oh, sorry.

All right, all right.

There's too many people in this room.
There's about to be one more.

So anybody who's not an ex-husband
or a lesbian life partner, out you go.

- Come on, out.
RACHEL: Okay, good luck.

- Bye, bye, bye.
- Good luck, you guys, good luck.

Let me ask you, do you have to be
Carol's lesbian life partner?

NURSE:
Out.

FRANZBLAU: All right.
All right, he's crowning. Here he comes.

Let me see. I gotta see, I gotta see.

Oh-- Oh.

Oh! A head.

Oh. It's huge.
Carol, how are you doing this?

Not helping.

FRANZBLAU:
You're doing great. You're doing fine.

- Hello?
- Oh, sorry.

What do you see? What do you see?

We got a head, we got shoulders,
we got arms, we got--

Oh, look at the little-- The fingers.

Oh, a chest and a stomach...

...and it's a boy, definitely a boy.

All right. Okay, legs, knees and feet.

Oh, oh.

[GASPING]

He's here. He's...

He's a person.

Oh!

- Look at that.
- What does he look like?

Kind of like my Uncle Ed,
covered in Jell-O.

Really?

PHOEBE [FROM ABOVE]:
You guys, he's beautiful.

Aw, thanks, Pheebs.

No shouting,
but we still need a name for this little guy.

How about Ben?

I like Ben.

Ben.

[BEN coos]

- Ha, ha. Ben's good.
- Yeah?

How come you never
mentioned Ben before?

- We, uh, just cooked it up.
SUSAN: Ha, ha.

That's what we were off doing.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Can we come in?
- Yeah, come in. Come in.

[RACHEL GAS PS]

[BEN CRYING]

I know. I know.

Everybody,
there's someone I'd like you to meet.

Yeah. This is Ben.

- Hi, Ben.
- Hi, Ben.

- Ben, this is everybody.
- Hey, Ben.

Susan, he looks just like you.

SUSAN:
Thanks. Ha, ha.

Oh, God, I can't believe one of us
actually has one of these.

I know. I still am one of these.

- Ross?
ROSS: Yeah?

Can I?

Okay, the head, the head. You gotta...

Hi, Ben. Hi.

I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes, I am.

I'm your Aunt Monica.

'Q---

I will always have gum.

Ben...

...I want you to know
that there may be some times...

...when I may not be around...

...like this.

["TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR"
PLAYING ON MOBILE]

But I'll still always come back...

...like this.

And sometimes I may be away longer...

...like this.

But I'll still always come back...

...like this.

And sometimes I'll want you to steal third,
and I'll go like this.

Oh, he is so amazing.

Yeah, I know. Look at him.

Ben.

Hey, Ben.

Nothing. I don't think that's his name.

Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes.

Oh, look, he's opening his eyes.

He doesn't do much, does he?

Nope, this is pretty much it.

- You guys wanna get some coffee?
ALL: Yeah.

All right, I'll see you guys later.

[MOUTHS]
Hi, Ben.

-[MOUTHS] I/ove you.
- Hi, Ben.

[BRAHMS' "WIEGENLIED"
PLAYING MOBILE]

[JOEY BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[CHANDLER BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.

[English - US - SDH]