Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - Rancho Contento - full transcript

Wow, another anniversary.

Seems like we were just kids
when we got into this.

No one thought
we'd make it this far.

When this all started,
I was just a man with a dream

walking into
a run-down strip club.

And look at us now.

Happy Cattleman's
Anniversary, Louis.

Happy Cattleman's
Anniversary.

Oh! For me?

Usually you just give
a present to the restaurant.

This year's different.
Open it!



Who's "Roth Ira"?
It's a retirement account.

I opened one in your name
and one in my name

when we started
the restaurant.

We've done so well
that we're now on track

to retire at 55!

Mm.

Uh, were you thinking
we'd retire at 57?

60?

Never.

We are never retiring.

Mr. Huang,
you shouldn't have.

I'm the luckiest
bear in Orlando!

Ha ha ha!

Is this cashmere?



♪ Fresh off the boat

♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin'

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
*FRESH OFF THE BOAT*

Season 05 Episode 18
Episode Title: "Rancho Contento"

Tina told me to work on
myself and become a better man,

so I got you, Journal.

Will she be impressed?

Evan:
My guess is yes.

Journaling
will show Tina

you can indulge
your introspective side.

Hey! It's not cool to read
over someone's shoulder, man.

I would never!

You were
talking out loud.

- You were, actually.
- We heard every word.

When you boys turn 21,
you can read my journal.

Here's a tip
from someone

who's been keeping
a dream journal

for the past
six years...

Write with
your mouth closed.

Evan,
we share a room,

and I've never
seen this journal.

That's because it's private.
I hid it.

You can be...
a little nosy.

Hey, do you ever dream about
a witch with cold hands?

Um, never mind.
It's probably nothing.

Off to school!

Bye, Mommy.

Behold... the youngest student
at Orlando State University.

Prove it.

Fine. Youngest-looking.
Same difference.

Well, congrats!
How was your registration?

Well, we took a couple runs
at my photo I.D.,

but we finally
got there.

The only problem is,

my educational administration
classes are so expensive,

I could only afford
to take one a semester.

Well, I know which class
you should take next...

Retirement 101.

Now, I know you said
you never want to retire,

but you haven't seen
Rancho Contento.

They're accepting
early-bird deposits.

It's a planned community
in Santa Barbara

and the perfect place
for us to sunset.

These people look like

they're in a commercial for
stool softener.

Well, exactly. They're
relaxed and unencumbered,

just like we'll be
when we retire there.

Every morning,
we'll walk to the pier.

You'll fish, like you
used to when you were a kid.

I'll read
a charming local newspaper.

Then we'll go back
to our bungalow

to enjoy a bottle
of homemade wine

as we watch the sunset.

And the best part is,
unlike now,

when we're busy with the boys
and the PTA and the restaurant,

we'll get to spend
all our time together.

Well, that part does sound nice,
but I'm sorry, Louis.

I just pictured our retirement
very differently.

But that was nothing.
Exactly.

Retirement makes you stupid,
Louis.

You have to keep moving,

or else your brain
will turn to mush.

We'll retire
when we die.

Our bodies make that decision
for us, not ourselves.

Oh, oopsie! Oh, hey, Tina.
I didn't see you sitting there.

It's no big deal.
It's just a journal.

I really like to indulge
my introspective side.

You know, like a guy
who's really working on himself.

Your shirt's on
inside out.

Uh...

Uh, it's really hard
to dress your body

- when you're so deep inside your mind.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, I was just journaling
about that exact thing.

All I'm saying is,
I took polka for three years.

I'm gonna crush "DDR."

I've been practicing
my "DDR" footwork for weeks.

I'm practicing my "DDR"
right now.

Guys, quick question...
What the hell is "DDR"?

Uh,
"Dance Dance Revolution."

It's this new video game

that you play with your feet
instead of your thumbs.

It's at an arcade
across town,

- and we were hoping you could drive us.
- Why not?

I won't be hanging with
the girl of my dreams anyway.

Oh, buddy.
Lay it on us.

Tina didn't
like Journal?

I can't
figure her out!

I want to become a better man
for her, but...

what does that
even mean?

How can this be better?
You're the total package!

You said it, not me.
Now, back to me and Tina.

So, basically, I've tried
everything to get her back.

So sometimes,
I'm, like,

does she really want me
to be a better man

or does she just like
that Pearl Jam song?

I mean, it's a good song,
but I just feel like

it's influenced
a whole generation of girls.

Or I could
write her a sonnet,

but then I'd have to learn
what a sonnet is.

So, yeah,
that's where my head's at.

Oh, dang.
We were just getting started.

Hey.

Tina's your sister.
Help me out.

Just tell me
what she likes.

Lately, all she can talk about
is "Sex and the City."

At first,
I was worried

she was following Trish
down her dark path.

But turns out,
it's just a TV show.

Hey, Deidre.

And, uh, Richard.

Oh. If I knew
we were having guests over,

I would've put out
the fun welcome mat.

Oh,
I invited Deidre over

to sell me
some of her floozy makeup.

Okay.

Hello, beautiful
insert-name-of-customer!

I... Oh.

Um...

Sorry.
I'm nervous.

Hello,
beautiful Jessica!

Hello.

Spring is all about
the shimmer.

Get fudged!

I forgot
my neutral nudes.

It's just...

One second.

Okay.

You hate Deidre,

and you always say
"Makeup is for uglies."

Why would you invite her
over here?

Oh, I'm just supporting
small local businesses,

like I always do.

But, hey,
while I'm doing this,

maybe you could
hang out with Richard.

You know, he retired early. Oh.

I see what you're doing,
Jessica.

You want me to see

that retirement
has made Richard stupid.

Well, guess what.

Retirement isn't stupid,
and neither is Richard.

Oh, please. He married Deidre.
Case closed.

Oh.

Sorry.
Could you hear that?

I'm listening
to an audiobook.

Oh! What a productive way
to spend your retirement.

Jessica and I were just starting
to think about that stuff.

I'd love
to pick your brain.

Or what's left of it.

Well, why don't we leave
the ladies

to their Mary Kay
and go to my place?

I can show you
my training room.

I built it myself
when I retired.

Oh, you hear that,
Jessica?

Since Richard
is retired,

he has time
to build himself a home gym.

I'd love to see it.

Fire up a lat pole.

Great.

But, actually,
it's not a home gym.

I-It's a room
for my model train.

I like to watch it
go through the tunnels.

Every time, I don't think
it's gonna come out,

but
then it does!

Mm.

Thanks again for letting me
watch your HBO, Uncle Marvin.

Are you kidding?

I should be thanking you
for introducing me

to this pun-tastic look
at the lives and loves

of these crazy
"Sex and the City" gals.

Yeah.

Honestly, I don't know
why Tina likes this show.

All they do
is eat brunch,

walk to brunch, or miss a brunch.
Ah.

Feels like
a lot of brunches.

Well, I know
what I like about this show,

and it's right there
in the title.

The city.

Oh, thank God.

I've never seen
the Big Apple look so vibrant.

The food, the cabs,

the fresh possibility

of a fistfight
around every corner.

I can see why
these gals date so much.

It'd be hard
not to fall in love in NYC.

What are you doing?

Hey, I thought
you were sleeping.

I was acting.

All right, I'm headed off
to orientation.

I hope everyone came prepared,

because I don't
loan out pencils.

Surprise!

I took the morning off
so I could drive you to school.

Aww, Louis,
that is so sweet.

Open my door for me
when we get there.

I want everyone to think
I'm a trust-fund baby.

How are they gonna think
you're a trust-fund baby

if you're carrying your books
in Mom's Mervyn's bag?

Bill Gates
flies coach.

Louis, you missed your turn.
No, I didn't.

Because today,
you're not going to school.

And I'm not going
to work.

- Today, we're retired.
- What?

I'm gonna show you
what our lives

will be like
at Rancho Contento.

Are you
contento yet?

It means "happy."

Look at us...
Two relaxed retirees.

Don't you feel... free?

No. I feel like
I'm being kidnapped.

Can't we pretend to be old,
lazy people another day?

You got your turn to show me what
you think retirement will be like

with Richard.
Now it's my turn.

I spent two hours
in that train room.

I can still
hear the choo-choos.

Okay, fine.
Let's be retired.

But if my brain turns to
mush, it's on you.

Great!

What is this place?
Are we at a mall?

No, it's an outdoor
shopping center.

But this
is just an example.

The pier at Rancho Contento
will be much better.

And we won't hear the screams
from the piercing kiosk.

That's the only part
I like.

Focus on the fishing.

O, Lady Sea, will she release
her scaled bounty

or drag us all
to her murky depths?

That man fell asleep
with a burrito in his mouth.

Well, he earned that.

After a lifetime of hard work,
he's allowed a burrito nap.

You know what I remember
from fishing with my uncle?

He said that when a shark
stops moving, it dies.

These sharks,
they're all dead.

Oh, come on.

They're still vibrant,
curious people with full lives.

Ha!

Oh.

Oh, now you're too good
to wave at Old Tom, eh?

Go to hell, Harriet!

Oh, Rancho Contento
would've weeded that guy out.

In New York City, a single guy
only needs three things...

A fabulous outfit,

a fabulous plan
to get his ex back,

and the support
of a fabulous crew.

♪ Yeah ♪

Love the look, Eddie,
but it's a little fancy

for "Dance Dance Revolution."

Yeah,
maybe you should change.

About that...
Before I drive us,

I need
a teeny-tiny Tina favor.

After watching "Sex and
the City," I realized...

Duh...
What better way

to show Tina
I'm broadening my horizons

than by sweeping her
off her feet

and taking her to the most
romantic city in the world?

Ooh, Pensacola.
Niiiiice.

New York City.

But since I obviously
can't afford that,

I'm gonna create
a brunch date

at a cool NYC restaurant
right here...

With your help,
of course.

Sweet idea, Eddie.

You can explain what brunch is
to us in the car.

Nah, this is way more important
than the arcade.

I've been trying
to get Tina back for weeks.

Okay, so,
I'll be the cook.

Walter, you'll be the waiter.

And, Trent,
you'll be the busker

who plays sax for us
as we exit the restaurant.

- I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- I know!

In what universe
am I not the busker?

Look at this face...
Total busker.

No, he means

Eddie promised
to take us to the arcade,

and now he's trying
to get us to do

some lame
"get Tina back scheme" instead.

Hey, the scheme is not lame!

Or is it?
I'm open to suggestions.

It's always
about you, Eddie. Yeah.

All we talk about is you and
ways for you to get Tina back.

Walter: You haven't even
asked about Brian.

He's got mono, Eddie...
The kissing disease.

Well, I'm trying to get
the kissing disease!

You guys won't even help!

Ugh.

All I taste is swamp.

You're supposed to say
"notes of swamp."

Anyway, the wine I make at
Rancho Contento will be better.

Maybe.

Or maybe we'll be so dumb
from being retired,

we won't even know
what tastes good anymore.

I didn't realize I was on stage
at the Chuckle Factory.

Sorry.

It's just,
we used to think

the same thing
about retirement.

I was sure I would
suddenly turn stupid.

I thought if I stopped moving,
I would die.

You two are retired?

Mm-hmm.

But you seem so...

not dead.

Active.
She means active.

Oh, we are.

I'm building
my own library at home.

Even got a microfiche.

And Kent here
plans all our trips.

I was a financial advisor
for 20 years,

and Linda was an attorney,

so we were always too busy
to travel.

But now
we get to make up

for all the together time
we missed.

Yeah.

But now
that you don't work,

do you ever get...

Hopelessly bored?

Honestly, no.

I had my name on a law firm
for 10 years.

My legacy is set.

I feel like I earned this time
to do whatever I want, you know?

That could be us,
Jessica...

The cool retired couple
at the winery

who also make
their own wines?

That sounds like
a conflict of interest,

but...
maybe you're right.

Kent: Uh, just a tip
from someone who tried.

Make limoncello
instead.

Homemade wine
is fungus city.

And the bathtub...

Not a great
fermenting vessel.

Check the pillow.

Don't tell Evan
I was snooping.

I don't talk to that kid
unless I have to.

Monday... dreamt Emery was
eaten by a great white shark.

Tuesday... dreamt Emery
fell off a cliff.

Wednesday...
Dreamt Emery

was attacked
by a swarm of killer bees.

I woke up laughing.

I die
in all these dreams?

Does Evan
want to kill me?

O-Oh... Oh, sorry,

but it's funny
when you picture it.

Beard of bees?
Funny.

I like the cut
of Miranda's jib.

- How 'bout you?
- Huh? Sorry.

I just can't believe
my friends.

I had the perfect plan
to get Tina back,

and they wouldn't
help me.

My crew
should support me

- like Carrie's crew supports her.
- Yeah.

These gals would do anything
for Carrie.

- Exactly!
- Yeah.

You think Miranda would
leave Carrie in the lurch

to go to some dumb arcade?

Hell no!
Miranda's ride-or-die.

Yeah. Heck, they all are,
for each other.

Look, Eddie.

You know, the more
I watch this show,

the more I see
it's not about sex or brunch

or even New York City.

It's about
these four friends.

I guess so.
And Manolo, whoever that is.

Yeah. They're always gonna
be there for each other.

Have you always been there
for your boys?

That's what makes a crew
a crew.

I mean, that
and dressing up as a cow

to break out of a Thai prison.

I couldn't help
but wonder...

In trying to become
a better man for Tina,

did I end up becoming
a bad friend to my boys?

Well, the Cattleman's
suggestion box

was full of
barbecue sauce again.

I miss being retired.

You know, I had fun
being retired, too.

Especially meeting
Kent and Linda.

They're doing it right.

I knew you'd come around
on retirement!

Does this mean you're open
to Rancho Contento?

I think someday,
I might be.

Really?

You know, if we send in
our deposits now,

we can still get
that early-bird deal.

Shall I grab
the checkbooks?

You can, but I already
spent my retirement.

That money's gone.

Wh...

You know, this swamp wine
really grows on you.

What do you mean the money's gone?
Where has it gone?

To Orlando State.

I used the savings
from my retirement

to double my class load.

So now I will graduate
in two years, not four.

What?
How could you do that?

If you're worried about
the early withdrawal penalties

from the Roth IRA,
don't be.

We're good.
I called Kent.

Who?!

The cool retired guy
from the winery.

I also got his recipe
for limoncello.

Don't touch the jars
in the pantry

for six to eight months.

I can't believe you'd rather
spend money on school

than our retirement!

I mean, school sucks!

That's what the majority
of graffiti is about!

'Sup, guys?

Look,
this isn't easy

- for me to say...
- Young man: Hey!

No cutskis.

I'm not cutting,
man.

I'm just trying
to talk to my friends.

I've got my eyes on you.

As I was saying, I'm sorry
if I've been a bad friend.

Especially when you guys have
listened to me talk about Tina

basically nonstop.

You ha been
kind of obsessed.

I know, and I appreciate
you guys putting up with it.

Y'all are like my Miranda,
my Samantha, my Charlotte,

and my Carrie.

And I'm lucky
to be more like

- a Stanford Blatch in the crew.
- Who?

Oh, he's this dope gay dude who
should be more of a major character.

The point is, it can't
just be me all the time.

Now, let's
"Dance Dance Revolution."

I bribed him with Cattleman's ribs
to take you guys to the front.

- Thanks, Eddie.
- I can finally pee!

No, no, no, no, no.
You cannot cutski.

No cutskis!

And king me.
Again.

Sorry, Grandma.

It's not you
who I want to destroy.

I can't take this
anymore!

Why do you want
to kill me?

What makes you say that,
dear brother?

Because I read
your dream journal, okay?

I die in all of your dreams.

Aha! I knew it.

But there's one thing
you didn't count on.

That journal was a fake.

I planted it
to teach you a lesson.

Maybe now
you'll respect my privacy.

So you didn't actually dream
those horrible things?

You spent hours
imagining them

and writing them
in a fake journal?

That's worse.

I didn't write it.

- Grandma did.
- What?

Hm.

Your limoncello
is terrible.

I told you
it's not ready yet.

And neither am I.

Louis, I would love
to retire with you one day.

I just don't feel
like I've earned it yet.

What do you mean?

Well, talking to Linda
about her legacy

made me realize
I haven't accomplished enough.

What? That's crazy!

You're a great parent,
you're head of the PTA,

not to mention everything
you've done for Cattleman's.

I know, but it's "Louis Huang's
Cattleman's Ranch"

on the sign.

I want my name
on something.

That's why I need to
go back to school

and become
the best principal

so I can cement
my own legacy...

Get my name on a door,
maybe a whole school.

Maybe even a college.

"The University of Phoenix
and Jessica Huang."

Mnh, no. Not that,
but something similar.

Then I can relax
and fish

and get dumb with you
at Rancho Contento

knowing that my name
lives on.

I get it.
You want to make an impact.

"College of William & Mary
& Jessica Huang."

Or "Jessica Huang presents
Harvard University."

Ah.

That's good.

Hey, Eddie.

Trent told me
how you VIP'ed

your friends
at the arcade.

That was really cool
of you.

What good is a greased rib

if you can't grease
a palm or two?

Um, Trent also said
you've been watching

a lot of "Sex and the City."

And Manolo?
That's a shoe.

Oh, God.
That makes so much more sense.

Want to hang out tomorrow,
talk "SATC"?

I'd love to,

but I got big brunch plans
with my crew.

Rain check?

Definitely.

Journal is not
gonna believe this.

Surprise.

Louis, if you try
to kidnap me again,

I will call
campus security.

They are guaranteed to respond
within 9 to 13 minutes.

I just need five.
I have a present for you.

I can't let you
go back to school

without a real backpack.

Now, this is just a start,
but I know

you'll have your name on a door
or a building in no time.

Aww.
That is very sweet.

Unsafe,

because now potential muggers
will know my name,

but it's very sweet.

That's not all.
Look inside.

I cashed out
my retirement account, too.

Now you can go full-time.

Oh!

Louis, thank you!

Oh, now I can join
the Orlando-Re-Mi's.

It's
the a cappella group.

Once I get in,
I'm changing the name

to "Jessica
and the Do-Re-Mi's."

Mimosa?

Don't worry.
It's just OJ and Sprite.

Well, hell,
why not?

As Samantha would say,

"I'll try anything once."

So, brunch is just breakfast
at lunchtime.

"Careless Whisper" palys
on Saxophone... --->

Sync corrections by srjanapala