Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - Grand-Mahjong - full transcript

Thank you
for coming over early

to help make Chinese New Year
dinner, Elaine.

Oh, my pleasure.

We've never had
a Chinese family in Orlando

to spend this holiday with,

so I'm going all out...

Long life noodles,
lion-head meatballs,

sautéed beef,
and the whole steamed fish.

Oh.
Is eating the fish eye

also a big deal
in your family?

Of course.



One slimy eyeball
is a small price to pay

for an entire year
of good fortune.

With my mother-in-law,
it's fun to put up a fight,

but it always goes to her
because she's the oldest.

Well, in my household,
it's never a fight,

because lalways get
the fish eye.

Okay, these dumplings
are done.

I put carrots in them because
it's the Year of the Rabbit.

Aww, cute.

Oh.

Those are dumplings?

No one taught me
how to make them,

so I taught myself.

It is
a one-handed technique



I call the clump-and-dump.

They're not the prettiest,

but I can knock them out
real fast,

and I've never heard
any complaints.

Oh.

--Captions by VITAC--
Sync corrections by srjanapala

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
*FRESH OFF THE BOAT*
Season 05 Episode 13

Episode Title: "Grand-Mahjong"

Ooh, she's a delight.

No, Elaine, actually,
she is terrible.

Hmm.

My mother-in-law and I

have a very bumpy
relationship,

especially
on Chinese New Year.

I do all the work,
and she ruins things.

You see this wrinkle?

That's from
the Year of the Horse.

I don't see anything.

Well, that is because
my skin is perfect,

but trust me,
it is there.

I guess that's just the way
it is

- with mothers-in-law.
- You get it.

Actually, I have a great
relationship with mine.

Oh, that's a good one.

And they say
women aren't funny.

No, really.

Okay, my mother-in-law and I
used to argue all the time

until we discovered
we both love Colin Firth.

Oh, is he the white one
with the brown hair?

Mm. The key was to build a bridge,

which we did over
a well-worn LaserDisc

of "Pride and Prejudice."

It would be nice
to have a Chinese New Year

she didn't
clump and dump on.

Well, let me help.

I mean, we've got hours
till dinner.

Oh.

I see that wrinkle now.

No, you don't.

All right, boys. Turn off the TV
and clean up that blanket.

Blanket? That's me.

Oh.
Didn't see you there, Emery.

Cozy.

The rest of the Lee family
is almost here.

We need to make
a good impression.

He means get your burps
and farts out now.

This is why
you're still single, Eddie.

Guys, save the insults
for tomorrow.

No fighting today.

Would it have killed you

to just sit shotgun
on the way over, Dad?

I was sitting in a cab.

It was my cab!
I was driving.

And I was off-duty. When I'm in a cab,
I sit in the back.

Uh, Julius, Horace.

Come in, come in.
Meet my boys.

This is my oldest, Eddie.

He just got
his driver's license.

And this is
my youngest, Evan.

He skipped a grade.

And this is Emery.

He's...

wearing a retainer.

Retainer?

Hey,
guess what I brought?

- Oh.
- Red envelopes.

40 bucks?

I'm gonna convert these
into ones

and, like,
roll around in it.

And I'm this close
to buying a weather balloon.

I prefer to take
my own measurements.

Enough of your lies,
Al Roker.

You gave 'em
40 bucks each,

and you couldn't pitch in
for a tank of gas?

You use premium.

And you use regular,
like your face.

All right, Horace,
that's it.

You, me,
in the backyard, now!

What do you want?

I heard you got a phone call
from Brad.

You know about
the phone call?

I-I was
just wondering...

did I leave my rain poncho
in here?

Oh, are you watching
"The Young and the Restless"?

Jessica,
don't you also like.

"The Young and the Restless"?

No.
Why are they restless?

Life is easy
when you're young.

You're not helping. Neither are you.

Ai-ya! I can't watch my show
with all the whisper-whisper.

Wait, wait, I-if you want
to play mahjong,

why don't we just
do it here?

Jessica would love
to sit in.

What are you doing?

Jenny lives
at the mahjong parlor.

She's the reason
they built that ramp.

Yeah, that's great.

What better way
to find common ground

than doing something
that shelikes?

I'm really bad at it.

And I don't like playing games
I can't win.

It's not about
what you like.

It's about connecting.

Hey.

One, two, three...

Ugh, we don't have
a fourth player.

I guess we can't play.

All right, are we playing
Chinese Classical

or Chinese New Style?

Uh, you, uh, guys sure

you don't wanna settle this
with a game of Horse?

Pig, if we're short on time?

All right,
on the count of 3,

we're gonna tussle.

Excuse me, Mr. Huang.

You're in the line
of my tackle.

Uh, guys,
I saw some rabbits out here.

There might be poops.

Oh, perfect,
it's the Year of the Rabbit.

And I'm sick of the way

this one's been running
his mouth all day.

The only thing I'm running
is the pain train.

Next stop... your body.

He's gonna
take his glasses off, right?

I can't believe
this is actually happening.

I knew we should've built
that steel cage.

"We don't need
a steel cage, Eddie.

We're never gonna use it."

Care to make this
more interesting?

Maybe put our red-envelope money
on the match?

Hell yeah.
My money's on Julius.

He has forearms
the size of thighs

and thighs the size of...

double-thighs.

True.

But Horace has youth
and vitality on his side.

Ugh, you're right.
I'm taking Horace.

You ready, old-timer?

Oh, I'm ready! Let's go!

Hey, hey, I'm sure
this isn't anything

a nice limeade can't fix.

How about we go inside

and talk this out
like civilize...

1, 2, 3!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

You guys grappling?

I'm next.

Hey, your dad told me
about your retainer.

You need any extra cases,
I can hook you up.

Yes!

No!

This is why you never
take gambling advice

from the person
you're betting against.

You okay, son?

I am now.

Thanks, Dad.

Uh... what just happened?

Oh, we tussle
every Chinese New Year.

It's our reset button
to start the year fresh.

Uh-huh, back in the Navy,

we used to call that
a Submarine Scramble.

Oh, is that
what that means?

Well, in our family,
our fists are our words.

Right, boys?

- Sure.
- If you say so.

Whatever.

Is Emery mad at me?

Just a guess, but earlier
you introduced him

as "the one
with the retainer."

Really? I don't think
that bothered him.

Wanna bet 40 bucks it did?

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah

♪ Rolling dice can help you
or hurt you, the virtue ♪

♪ Is knowing when to quit

♪ 'Cause you've hit
your cash curfew ♪

♪ Even if you have to
get swift and swindle ♪

♪ It's as long as you win,
so close you're simple ♪

♪ I see
people rolling dice with lives ♪

♪ Telling lies, and cutting
throats like knives ♪

♪ That'll be the reason
why you'll bleed from greed ♪

♪ Ready to diss your own brother
at breakneck speed ♪

♪ You roll the dice real fast
and think you're nice ♪

♪ But got to be more precise

♪ 'Cause I'll keep
looking, and you'll keep scheming ♪

♪ I'll start hooking,
and you'll be screaming ♪

♪ Starting a tries
in a alibis ♪

Ha! I win.♪ 'Cause you keep rolling
snake eyes ♪

Disqualification.

What?

How did you get to be
so good, Jenny?

Patience.

Wait until your enemy
make a mistake

and then pounce.

Oh, did y'all catch Roker
this morning?

'Cause he's predicting
a strong... south wind.

Okay, I get it!

I'm bad at mahjong!

Why don't we all have a laugh
at the big dum-dum!

Ha ha ha, Jessica,
you big dum-dum.

Ha ha ha!

Yikes.

Ho boy.

Jessica...

Bridge.

I'm like one tile away
from Wriggling Snake.

Grandma: Oops.

Oops. Oops.

It's okay.
I'll clean it up.

Why are you being
so nice to me?

It was like seeing Mike Tyson
with his little pigeons.

I am not pigeon Mike Tyson.
I'm ear-biting Mike Tyson.

Either way,
you're clearly on edge.

Well, it didn't help

that you were throwing
my dumplings at chipmunks.

The one with gunpowder?

Shh.

Other then Grandma, nothing
smells better than fresh cash.

Take me home tonight,
Eddie's money.

You guys had action
on our tussle?

That's awesome.

What happened to your vitality
out there, man?

All right,
who's up for some limeade?

Oh, yes. Ah.

Hey, um, sorry about
the retainer thing.

Do you wanna talk about it?

No, hard to talk
with metal in my mouth.

I'll be in my room.

Ooh, he does not
like you.

You guys should
try a tussle.

That's a great idea, Dad.

Aww, thanks, buddy.

What? I can't fight my son. Sure you can.

Quick shot to the throat,
he won't be able to breathe.

While he's stunned,
you pin him.

Yeah, I love to use
my 'bows.

I call them
nature's hammers.

Where were those 'bows
10 minutes ago?

No, I'm not afraid
to fight him.

I just don't want to.

That'll make things
even worse.

If you say so.

Well,
if there's no tussle,

I'm gonna go clock in
a quick shift

and capitalize on that
Goo Goo Dolls post-concert rush.

Hey,
drive safe out there.

I love you. Love you.

All right, Emery,
that's it!

You, me,
in the backyard, now!

Like children
in a ball pit.

I know.
I've seen it before.

Mmm.
These are incredible.

The only reason I lose

is because I don't know the game
well enough to cheat.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes I hide Trivial Pursuit
wedges in my mouth.

Tricky-tricky.

When I play board games
with the boys,

we play for chores.

I haven't had to scrub a toilet
in five years.

Oh, you bad mama.

You're real bad.

All right.

I want a clean tussle,

nothing below the belt.

Why do
we have to do this?

Because you're mad at me
and we need to reset.

By fighting?

You sure you want
to do this, Lou?

I'd be happy to step in
for your boy.

Will everyone stop trying
to talk me out of this?

It worked
for Julius and Horace.

Now, let's go!

Hey, Evan, care to
make this interesting?

No way.

Dad is way bigger
and obviously gonna win.

This isn't an even match.

Come on. You got to give me
a chance to win my money back.

How about I give you odds
on Emery?

I don't know...

2-to-1. Come on,
he's your brother.

Fine. You're lucky
I live for the action.

Okay.

On the count of 3.

1, 2, 3.

My retainer!

Yes!

No!

The winner! Ha ha!

Here's what I accept...

Cash, cold hard cash,
or cash money.

Okay,
that's the last of it.

Let's move everything
to the dining table.

Hmm.

Ooh, this fish eye's
extra big.

Probably worth nine years
of good fortune.

I'll go get the boys.

Thank you
for all your help, Jenny.

I really enjoyed this.

But I always eat it.

I told you that
in confidence.

Oh, that duck
was just amazing.

Wasn't it, honey? Mmm, wasn't it?
So good.

Oh. Who's going to eat
the fish eye?

Me!

Mmm.

Oh!
G-mah!

She ate the fish eye! So gross.

Do I have eye
in my teeth?

Damn it.

Horace has
the cab light off.

Hurry up. That means
he's running the meter.

Thanks again.
We had fun.

You can't go now.

You tell me to build a bridge

and then you just leave me
with a monster?

Oh, so, Jenny ate
the fish eye.

There's another... the milky
blind one on the bottom.

The popped one?

That's not the power eye.

I thought that you were here
to help me.

- Careful.
- I got it.

What are you doing?

Grandma says the big TV
is hers now.

She's been barking orders at me
like Lou Gossett Jr.

In which movie?

All of them.

Do you know why
she ate the eye?

Why she's taking the TV?

Because while I was busy
building your bridge,

she dug a tunnel
and she stole my throne.

I'm getting confused
by your metaphors.

Just say what happened.

I let a secret slip,

and now she's holding it
over my head.

Sounds like she used
her mahjong strategy

to set you up.

Wait until your enemy
make a mistake

and then pounce.

She mahjong-ed me.

Well, maybe there's another
activity you can bond over.

Oh, I hear fostering
an abused horse

can bring people together.
Screw that.

You know,
she's got something on me?

Well, I've got something
on her.

She's not the only one
who can exploit a weakness.

If you don't stop
honking that horn,

I'm gonna tussle you!

Happy New Year,
Jessica.

Instead of
a weather balloon,

I can almost afford
a hot air balloon.

I could balloon
to school.

Let's see the bullies
make fun of me then.

Stop dreaming of ways
to get to school.

I deserve a chance
to win my money back.

Can you guys
keep it down?

My eye is throbbing.

Whoa. I've never heard
"throbbing" used

to describe an eye before.

Oh.
Oh.

Morning, everyone.

Eyyy, there he is...
Kid Dynamite.

Take your gal out
for a malt on me.

Thanks.

You were right.
Tussling worked.

I'm not mad anymore.

Good.

I'm going to be
in my room.

You boys want anything?

I'm going out
for a shoe-shine.

I figured since
I'm so terrible at mahjong,

I would come here and watch you
play with your friends.

Pick up a few tips.

I know your tell...

Something you do

whenever you get excited.

Like when you have
a good mahjong hand.

You took away my power.

Now I'm going to
take away yours.

If you don't step down,
I'll expose you,

and you'll never be able
to play mahjong here again.

I don't have a tell.

Okay, let's do this
the hard way.

There are three snacks
on this table.

Which do you want?

The animal crackers...

the peanuts...

or these?

I guess I could just
throw these away, then.

No, no,
not the Dunk-a-Roos.

Well, it looks like we both
have dirt on each other now.

I'm gonna eat these.

You are not even
dunking the Roos.

Hmm.

Mm.

Aah!

What are you doing?

You're mad at me.
We need to tussle.

We have to reset.

Emery, stop.

I'm not mad at you.

I just feel bad
I upset you so much

with the retainer thing.

Yeah, it wasn't great being
introduced as retainer boy.

It was all I could think of
in the moment.

I play volleyball.
I'm on student council.

I can do a split.

Whoa.
Yeah.

I know it's not easy
being the middle child.

You're not the oldest,
you're not the baby.

You're just... Emery.

A perfect kid
in every way.

Except for my teeth.

Hey, at least I now have
a new way of introducing you...

As the son who beat me up.

A hug?
What does that mean?

A hug is a push.
That means no payout.

We were betting on a tussle,
not a heartwarming moment.

Okay, okay, um,
double or nothing

that I can
make you laugh.

I don't tickle
in my pits.

Wait, come back here.

Come back here and bet me.

Are you mad because
you lost the TV

or because
I know your tell?

What?

Mmm.

So, who's going to eat
the fish eye?

Me!

Oh!
Moms!

She ate the fish eye! So gross.

You were mad all these years
because of a stupid fish eye?

It was my first time making
Chinese New Year dinner

and I was excited.

How about this?

If we promise to keep
each other's secrets,

you can have the fish eye
every Chinese New Year.

That's something else
I have on you.

Well, maybe
that's our bridge...

We're both masters of
psychological warfare.

Hmm.

Damn straight.

This is to hide my tell.

Nice try, but I am
not revealing what it is.

Give me a hint.

Is it above
or below the neck?

Is it when you use
your pinkie nail

to pick food
out of your teeth?

Yeah, I-is that it?

Okay, if you want to know
your tell so badly,

I'll let you in on it.
Really?

Yeah, of course.
It's when you...

Not a chance
in hell, Jenny!

All right.

I don't know how to play,
but I don't care.

Evan gave me an advance,
and I need to get my money back.

I love this hand.
I'm all in.