Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Legends of the Fortieth - full transcript

Louis is obsessed with the great outdoors after seeing new movie "Legends of the Fall"; for his 40th birthday, Louis decides that the family needs to go camping, but the kids try to ...

So how do we feel about these aviators?

I think I look great,
like a business pilot.

They're a bit serial killer-y.

Okay. Good feedback.
Tad harsh, but fair.

So then, how about these
browline clubmasters?

Style on top, substance down below.

Have you considered a monocle?

You could be like Mr. Peanut!

What's up with the glasses anyways, Dad?

You're always touting your 20/20 vision.

Well, I'm excited to report

those clear-seeing days are over

because I'm turning 40!

The age one's vision
officially begins to fail.

I will never fail an eye exam

because I have memorized
the letter board.

E, F-P, T-O-Z,

P-D-L-E, D-E-F-Z-C,


Well, I'm excited for glasses.

I can finally look as wise as I feel.

The waiting's the hardest part.

See? Wisdom.

Glasses or no glasses,

how are we gonna
celebrate your birthday?

I'm thinking

- yacht ride.
- ♪ Yeah ♪

I've already decided
on the perfect plan.


Dad, have you ever been camping before?

- No.
- Then where did this come from?

I just watched "Legends of the Fall,"

and I can't stop thinking about it.

The big sky, the rugged land,

the raw emotions, and then it hit me.

I want to spend my 40th
in the great outdoors.

Is this like when you watched
the movie "Roger Rabbit"

and wanted a rabbit?

No, I just think it'll be fun to explore

the frontier as a family.

What kind of role does
the mother character

play in this film? Mm...

None, really. She abandoned the family.


So no camping for me
in this reenactment.

Such a shame.

Looks like it's gonna
be only us Huang men

out in the wilderness.

We'll be just like the Ludlows...

Anthony Hopkins, Brad Pitt,

those two other guys.

Howdy. Glad you made it.

Careful where you step.

This horse just took a huge dump.

To be Brad Pitt, even for a day...

Anyway. Camping. Cool, right?

Yeah, Dad. Super cool.

Totally. Camping sounds awesome.

Yeah, super totally.

Great! I'll grab a map
and start a gear list.

It will be comprehensive because
we don't have any gear.

Oh, uh, Ma. Did you want to...


There are no canoes in
"Legend of the Fall."

- G-7.
- Miss.

Ugh, another miss?

How? I haven't had a single hit

in nearly an hour.

Wait. Are you moving the ships?

They're under attack. Why
would they stay still?

Jessica, you can't...

You know what? It's fine.

I'm just happy to be playing at all.

Marvin doesn't play?

I thought he was in the Navy.

I got this for Marvin's
birthday one year,

and he totally freaked out.

He said, "There's no way four
shots could sink a battleship."

- Hmm.
- Oh, speaking of birthdays,

what did you get Louis for his 40th?

What I always get him.

A tie.

A tie?

Don't you want to get him
something a little nicer?

I thought about getting it monogrammed,

but I don't like his initials.

I just mean turning 40 is a big deal.

If this were the Middle Ages,

he'd be the oldest person in the world.

Well, it's not the Middle Ages.
Everyone turns 40 these days.

You hit triple digits,
then we will talk.



You sunk my destroyer.
That's the last of my fleet.

Still undefeated at
children's board games!

What are we gonna do about
Dad's terrible camping idea?

I guess we suck it up.

I'm already practicing
my fake enthusiasm.

"Whoa, if that's Orion's
Belt, where are his pants?"

No way. I'm not spending
my weekend outside.

I can't pee when I know there
could be animals watching.

Exactly. Camping is hard,

and birthdays are supposed to be fun.

What choice do we have?
It's Dad's birthday.

He gets to decide.

That's why we have to convince him

to decide to do something else,

like throwing a party.

Ooh. Bring on the birthday
cake and Shirley Temples.

Man, I love Shirley Temples!

That was real enthusiasm!

Then we're agreed.

What Dad really wants
to do is have a party.

Great because I am not
sleeping on the ground.

You think this posture just happens?

Honey, I know you're pregnant again,

but we need to set limits
on your cravings-requests.

I was just here...

Have a seat, Jessica.

Marvin and I were talking,

and, out of love,

we wanted to discuss
your gift-giving habits.

Think of this as an intervention.

A-A conversation.

We're worried you're not
putting enough thought

into Louis' birthday gift.

You should get him something

a little more personal than a tie.


- Like the game "Battleship"?
- Please don't...

Ugh, I think that
"Battleship" is a trash game.

Here we go.

To reduce the Navy to a plastic grid

of numbers and letters.

What a farce.

Sweetheart, it's a classic
game. Everyone loves it.

Oh, does everyone know
how vast the ocean is?

How complex?

It's a living, breathing organism,

for goodness' sake.

Back to Louis' birthday gift...

I know my husband,

and I know he doesn't want
a fuss made over him,

so no big parties.

No horse that does tricks.

No sentimental gifts from me.

But the 40th is different, Jessica.

You... You begin to see life
in an entirely new way.

Like my old diesel mechanic used to say,

"On that day, you're not over the hill.

You're on top of it."

That's beautiful, sugar bear.

- I miss that garage.
- Aww.

I grew up there

in ways that I should
probably keep to myself.

So what did you get Louis?

Oh, I got him a top-of-the-line,

American felling ax.

It represents the importance
of exploring the world

and building a life no
matter how old you get.

Well, if you're such gift experts,

what did you get Marvin
when he turned 40?


I was 8.

So nothing then.

Hey, boys.

I'm getting us all knives

for whittling or maybe blood oaths.

Sounds great, Dad.

Also we were thinking
we could skip camping

and throw a party here
in Orlando instead.

No camping? But you
guys were so excited.

And I was excited to teach you
guys things you've never done...

Build a fire, forage for berries,

hang our clothes on a
branch while we swim.

But, Dad, this is your big 4-0.

We should spend it celebrating
everything that makes you you.

To list... great friends, great food,

music and dancing.

You love dancing.

Weren't you the Cha Cha King of Taipei?

Can't dance in the woods.

I guess that's true.

I wasn't burning firewood in my day.

I was burning up dance floors.

You give me a soft
leather sole and a beat,

and I'd give you the world.

See? All we're saying is it's your 40th.

- You should go big.
- And think about it.

You won't get another milestone
birthday until you're 50.

And who knows where
we'll all be by then?

Yeah. 10 years from now,

I could be studying in Paris.

Or at the rate I'm skipping
grades, governing it.

And I'll probably be coming
off the bench for the Knicks.

I mean, someone's got to foul Shaq.

I guess I never thought of it that way.

You know what? Let's do it.

I'd love to plan a party with you guys.

You sure you're down for this?

Is the hypotenuse the
longest side of a triangle?

- Yes. The answer is yes.
- Yes.

I'm so glad we pulled this off.

I'm already thinking about
that Shirley Temple.

The key is the two-to-one
ratio of grenadine to Sprite.

Two to one?!

Way too sweet! What are
you, a hummingbird?

Hey, who's ready to party...


Is this all for one day?!

Well, technically, two days

should the festivities go past midnight,

which they will, if we do our jobs.

Wait. When did camping
turn into a party?

Oh, well, the boys had a good point.

You only turn 40 once. It's a big deal.

Anyway, I'll let you
boys look through this.

I can't wait to brainstorm
my entrance song.

I'm thinking "Louie Louie."

I thought he wanted to keep it simple.

There are five pages on color schemes.

How many versions of gold can there be?

"Muted Champagne"?

"October Wheat"?

There's an entire section called "Vibe."

That's what caught your eye?

Not the tab labeled

"Coconut Bras... Question mark"?

How did this happen?

Camping sounded like a lot,

and Dad was into the idea of a party.

We thought it would be easier.

Well, you seem to have
this under control,

so I'm just gonna go to the kitchen

and check on dinner.

Honey, we have a crisis.

Louis does think his
birthday is a big deal.

You were right.

Maybe my giving him a tie
isn't personal enough.

This is nothing we can't fix.

All you have to do is give him
something from the heart.

Can I confess something to you?

Of course, Jessica. Anything.


not a sentimental person.

Ah, yeah.

Well, lucky for you,

pulling heartstrings is a my jam.

It's time for you to learn
about the "Love Languages."

I went to the University of Maryland.

They're called Romance languages.

No, these are the Love Languages.

They're the ways that we express
affection to one another.

- It's all in there.
- Can you just tell me how it ends?

Mm, it's not that kind of book.

Each chapter covers a different method

for expressing love.

You just need to figure out
which one Louis responds to

and then match his gift to that.

- This really works?
- Yeah.

How do you think Marvin and I

got past the "Battleship" debacle?

Once I learned he values
"Acts of Service,"

I started making his day

by taping "Price Is Right"
when he was at work.

And then, when he learned mine
was "Words of Affirmation,"

he started writing me
the most amazing poems.

Ugh, this all sounds very
"flower person" to me.

It's "flower child,"

and there's nothing hippie about it.

Hey, Honey. Oh, hi.

I'm looking for a long, sturdy box.

The gift is hard to wrap.

I already picked you up a
giant bow from the store.

- It's all you need!
- Oh, you're a genius, Honey.

- God, I love you.
- Aww.

"Some Honey for this bee?


♪ Louie Louie ♪

♪ Oh, oh, turning 40, 40 ♪

All right, guys.

I already took care of
section 9 in binder 2...

Venue. We'll host it at Cattleman's!

- There's a section 9?
- There's a second binder?

I'm kidding.

Cattleman's was always the venue.

I just never included it because

I didn't want to waste
valuable space on the D-ring.

Good one.

All right. I'll go gather
all our extension cords,

splitters, and surge protectors.

This party is really
gonna test the grid!

This sucks.

We should do what we always do

when we have an enormous
amount of schoolwork...

Buckle in and do it all in one day.

Like the time we knocked
out two English papers,

a science experiment,

and built the White House
out of sugar cubes.

It opened up our Sunday for filing

Freedom of Information requests.

They may not have figured out
who shot JFK, but we will.

You know, once in a while,

it's good to know nerds. Let's do this.


Um, what are you doing?

Fluffing your pillow to show you I care.

But I like it flat and limp.



What's happening right now?

I'm expressing physical touch.

Are you enjoying yourself?

Are you?


Good job buttering that toast.

Even spread right up to the crust.


Yes, I will make you some, too.

Writing all these
invitations wiped me out.

I can't imagine how you
made all these cupcakes.

I ate every fifth one
to keep my energy up.

I gave those balloons everything I had.

Look, at least we're done.


You guys already did this without me?

I thought we were gonna do it together.

Well, now all that's
left to do is party.

Wow, you guys are really into this, huh?

- Of course, we are.
- Yeah, anything for you, Dad.

Well, now that you've
freed up all this time...

Let's dance!

- What?
- I'm gonna teach you the cha-cha,

and we'll perform it
together at my party!

- What?
- This is perfect.

You know, I learned when I was your age.

But we're three different ages.

You guys said this party is about

celebrating what makes me, me.

And what makes me, me...


Great. Great.

Jessica, what is this all about?

I know it's not technically
your birthday yet,

but I was too excited to wait!

Great card.

Really great.

Well, what do you think?

Jessica, I love it!

For a second,

I thought there was gonna be
a really big tie in there.

Oh, no. What can I say?
You know, it's your 40th.

The ax represents the importance
of exploring the world

and building a life no
matter how old you get.

A symbolic tool. Amazing.


Hey, Honey.

Can you believe this amazing
gift Jessica got me?

She knew just what I
wanted without even axing.

Dad jokes. I'm 40.

Wow. An American felling ax.

What a thoughtful gift.

How did you come up with that?

Dream. It came to me in a dream.

Oh, if you think this is thoughtful,

wait till you hear what
she wrote in the card.

No, no, Louis.

Personal! It's so personal.

What it is is beautiful.

"To my loving husband, on this day,

you're not over the hill,

you're on top of it."

Really beautiful card.

That's one hell of a dream you had.

I'm gonna go see what I look like

holding this in a mirror.

Well, I feel like you're upset
with me about Louis' gift.

Of course I'm upset!

Marvin put a lot of
thought into that ax,

and you stole it!

Well, I panicked.

Louis' birthday is soon,
and I have nothing.

First, you got in my head about the tie,

and then you gave me that
book that didn't work.

So, in a way, this is all your fault.

You stole Marvin's ax.

I st... I...

Jessica, I cannot believe this.

Now I know you're probably thinking,

"Where's our matching outfits?"

But don't worry,

I've got Hector swinging by the tailor

after he picks up a pallet of ribs.

Now, eyes on me.

♪ One, two, cha-cha-cha ♪

♪ One, two, cha-cha-cha ♪

See what I'm doing here?

♪ Cha-cha-cha ♪

♪ One, two, cha-cha-cha ♪

Are you sure about this?

I mean, we'd hate to interrupt the party

that's in full swing to do a dance.

Keep the hips loose, just like this.

Arms up, and a smile.

That's the most important
thing... the smile.

"Suck it up and go
camping," I said, but no.

No one listens to me.

You're the one who reminded him

he's the Cha Cha King of Taipei.

He's the king of this?

What kind of kingdom is this?

Your arms are like...
Like broken bird wings.

Just like they're broken.

A cha-cha-cha!

This is how it ends for me.

I would've knocked,

but I didn't want to wake the baby.

Oh, now you're worried about others?

I'm sorry I stole this.

I'm just worried I don't know
Louis as well as I think I do.

What are you talking about?

You saw how excited he got with the ax.

I never would have thought to
get him something like this.

Well, of course, you wouldn't.

Louis and Marvin have a
different relationship

than you two do.

They're into chili, "Ernest" movies,

and turning tires into swings.

Do you really want to sit
around talking about axes?

- No, I don't.
- Me, neither.

You and I have a different relationship.

You think they want to sit around

discussing Stephen King novels

or spend an afternoon
prank-calling Deidre?

"I'll wear your face as my face."

- We do have fun.
- Mm-hmm.

And so do you and Louis.

I mean, Jessica, you know
him better than anyone.

I'm sure you'll find the perfect gift.

- And you're sure it's not...
- It's not a tie.

5, 6, 7, 8.

All right, now this part
right here is important.

How many parts are there?

Well, there's four basic ones,

but we're not stopping there.

I didn't win the crown by
keeping things simple.

Hey, holster those bony wrists.

Evan, make sure you don't
work a slow step in there.

This isn't a mambo.

I'm not a visual learner.

Eddie, remember to breathe.

You're looking a little stiff.

I don't have the hips for this.

It's okay, boys.

Much like the cha-cha itself,

learning to dance is
often two steps forward

and a rock-step back.

- Do we really have to do this?
- Yeah.

- Can we just be done?
- Trust me.

I remember when I was first learning.

It gets a lot more fun
the more you do it!

None of this is fun for any of us.

- It's just dumb.
- But you're the ones

who suggested I throw this party.

We're only here because you
guys were so excited for it.

That's only because we didn't
want to go camping with you.


Look, uh, this was a bad idea.

Sorry I wasted your time.

- That's not what we...
- No, I get it.

I'm gonna make this easier on all of us.

Let's just cancel the party.

Well, dance continues
to destroy our family.


How's the party-planning coming?

I need it to be a home run

because I still don't have
a gift for your father.

Is a "gift horse" a real thing?

Or is that just one of
those weird sayings?

The party's off.

It's off?! Why?!

Because Evan can't cha-cha.

I'm sorry, Mom. We ruined Dad's 40th.

Okay, we haven't ruined it yet.

His birthday's tomorrow, and
we're not gonna let him down.

We just need to think. What
does your father like?

- His hair?
- Drying his hair?

I got it. "Legends of the Fall."

It's what started this whole mess!

Let's watch it!

Sure, there's no mother
character to root for,

but maybe it will give us some ideas.

Might even cheer us up!


That was one heavy movie.

Nearly everyone died.

Why would anyone watch this?

It's just a two-hour tragedy

about a family wishing they
had more time together.

Come on, Louis. Almost there.

Okay. Take off your blindfold.

You brought the Big Sky wilderness

to Orlando.

This is the best birthday gift ever.

We realized that the one thing you love

more than anything in the world

is spending time with your family.

We also took some inspiration

from that depressing movie you love.

You watched "Legends"?

For Anthony Hopkins to
go from Hannibal Lecter

to Colonel Ludlow?

The range.

And we're sorry, Dad.

We made your 40th birthday all about us

when it's supposed to be about you.

Oh, it's okay.

Maybe I went a bit overboard.

When you said my next
milestone would be 50,

I realized you boys will
be out of the house.

You'll be gone.

Dad, no matter where we are,

we'll always come back to see you.

Thanks, guys. This is
such a thoughtful gift.

- Happy birthday!
- Hey, buddy.

I invited them, too.


Jessica got me that same ax.

Okay, about that.

I stole Marvin's ax and gave it to you.

I was worried that the tie I got you

wouldn't be meaningful
enough for this birthday.

Are you kidding? I
love my birthday ties.

They're my favorite
accessory after my hair.

Hey, uh, Marvin, fire pit's
looking a little light.

What do you say we split some timber?

All right, let's do it, old man.

Maybe I ought to put
on my steel-toe shoes.

Can't afford to lose any more toes.

Come on, boys.

Looks like the book
worked out after all.

What are you talking about?

The campsite where you guys
are spending the night?

Having us over to sit by the fire?

Louis' love language is "Quality Time."

- It's in the book.
- Oh!

I didn't get that far.

I told you, you should
have told me the ending.

- Oh, oh!
- Whoa, no, no, no!

Why do I have to be up
against the sidewall?

It's damp.


Emery was right.

What's going on with your wrists?

They're growing.

- Shh!
- Three... two... one...


I did it. I'm 40.

- Yay.
- Happy birthday.

How do you feel?

Like my best days are ahead of me.

You enjoying tent life?

- It's miserable. I hate camping.
- So do I.

- Same.
- There's no air flow.

Yeah, I thought I'd feel
more like Brad Pitt.

I think us Huangs are indoor cats.

Should we all go inside?

- Yes, please!
- Finally! Oh, my God.

Yeah, bad idea.