Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 21 - Under the Taipei Sun - full transcript

Eddie ships off to Taiwan for the cultural exchange program and ends up separated from his group with no money and next-to-no language skills; the Huangs adjust to life without Eddie.

What up, elders?!

Can't believe in a couple hours,
I'll be in Taiwan.

Why are you dressed
like a man

who yells at women
in Times Square?

Oh, my fuzzy Kangol?

Since I'm going on
this cultural exchange,

I can switch my look
without Trent clowning on me.

That boy hates change.

Quick Taiwan question...

Is the boys' bathroom symbol
the same?

I'm not going to answer that,
but take a seat.

Now, since this is
your first trip by yourself,

your mother and I
want you to be prepared.

That's a lot
of Taiwanese cash.

Consider this
your emergency fund.

Please don't use it
to get into a Taipei disco.

I want to be there
for your first time.

And just in case,

we got you
a pre-paid cellphone.

It's programmed with
Big Auntie's number in Taipei.


I'm gonna wear this
on my belt,

like a vacationing

Johnson, you better have
a damn good reason

for calling me in Cancún.

This is not a joke!

Do you know the number
for 911 in Taiwan?


It's 119.

By the time
you've figured that out,

your stolen kidney

has already been
sewn inside a rich man's son.

And last
but not least...

Is this... for my butt?

It's a neck pillow.

It'll help you
fall asleep on the plane

so you can avoid
the deadly effects of jet lag.



My first day in America,

I'm walking across the street,
feeling good,

and then bam... jet lag.

I get hit by a bus,
and then I die.

That sounds made up.

Some facts changed
for dramatic effect.

All I'm saying is,
immigrating here was hard.

I'm saving the real story
for my memoir... Dark Waters.

Seriously, guys, relax.

I can handle this trip.

Oh, I thought I could handle
everything when I moved to America.

My first week here,

I was working
as a seafood delivery guy...

...when my
mediocre English got me lost.


Uh, friendship gift crab?

Guys, I've heard these stories
a million times.

We just want you
to be careful.

When you're
in a new country

and you don't
speak the language well

and you don't have any money,
it can be dangerous.

But I've been in Taiwan before,

and I'm not just
a little kid anymore.

Trust me... I got this.

Johnson, I'm with my kids
at the beach.

This better be good.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Season 05 Episode 21
Episode Title: "Under the Taipei Sun"

I'll remember
this performance forever.


Let's hear some words!

I'll be speaking English.


You're not here
to be challenged.

You're here to have fun
and learn about your heritage!

Oh, thank God.

You're hilarious, man.

Newark, New Jersey.

Eddie... Orlando.

You're from Newark?

Do you know Redman?

Comes to my dad's sporting goods
store all the time.

Dude goes through
a lot of tents.

What about you?

You meet anyone cool, like, uh,
like Penny Hardaway?

A few.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, DMX,

Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis...

Billie Jean King.

Oh, we gotta hang out.

I need me
some Terry Lewis stories.

Now, you all ready to do some
traditional mountain paintings?

Me neither.

Let's get some Boba Tea
and go to the mall!

What a beautiful day
for a ride.

Isn't this perfect?

With Eddie gone, we can enjoy
fun family activities

any "Eddie surprises."


Last time we went biking,
he cut my brakes!

Tell my storyyyyyyyy!

I made a whole list
of things to do

now that we are

a daily bike ride.

I think this time apart from him
is gonna be good for us.

You know,
us riding together like this

reminds me of that scene
in The Sound of Music.

♪ Doe, a deer,
a female deer ♪

♪ Ray, a drop
of golden sun ♪

♪ Mi! ♪

♪ A name I call myself ♪

♪ Fa! ♪

♪ A long, long way
to run ♪

- ♪ So! ♪
- ♪ A needle pulling thread ♪

♪ La! ♪

♪ A note to follow so ♪

♪ Ti! ♪

♪ A drink
with jam and bread ♪

♪ That will bring us
back to doe, oh, oh, oh ♪

Check out that stand!

Oh! Look at that fanny pack
shaped like a wiener dog!

That's so cute!

I mean... cool.

I-I don't say "cute."

Nah, if it's cute,
say it's cute.

Like, uh, this foam cowboy hat
with a built-in radio?

That's pretty cute.

I'm-a get that
for my bro Emery.

A Hello Kitty-themed
Chinese yo-yo?

Cute as hell!
I'm-a get that for my moms.

Now I need something
for my dad.

That crab backpack!

Don't get me wrong...
It's cute and all,

but why would your dad
want that?

Oh, he told me
this dumb story

about him
and some live crabs

to scare me about
living in another country.

That backpack will be
a funny jab.

Dance Dance Revolution

We just got DDR
in the U.S.,

and they already have
a sequel in Asia!

I hope you wore
your loose-crotched pants,

'cause we about to
go to work!

Wait, hold up...
Before we hop on,

I need to call my boy Trent...
He's obsessed with DDR.


Trent? You will not believe
what I found in Taiwan.

Eddie? It's 1:00
in the morning.

They have DDR Extreme!


Put the phone
on the edge of the screen

and let me
listen to you dance.

♪ DDR ♪

♪ DDR ♪



We were supposed to
meet our group

a half-hour ago
by the bus!

Dude, it's easy
to get around Taiwan.

We can just
take the subway home...

After we finish
another round of DDR.

My hips just warmed up!

We're waiting
for you! Are you ready?

Wow, Jessica.
You broke out the fancy china.

I thought this only came out
for weddings and funerals.

With Eddie gone,
we can use the good stuff

without worrying
about him breaking it.

I know we have a funeral
coming up,

but I figured, why wait?

Whose funeral?

No one's.

Okay, come on, eat up!

There's half a pork shoulder
left. It's the good half!

- I'm stuffed.
- Me too.

Hmm. I cooked
my usual portions.

I guess with Eddie gone,
we'll just have more leftovers.

This morning, I had
my usual bowl of Lucky Charms,

and there were
so many more marshmallows.

I haven't seen a Shamrock Hat
in years.

Ugh. He'd pick
a marshmallow out

and say,
"Top of the morning to you,"

in that weird Irish accent
that sounded like Dracula.

"Top of the morning to you."

Do any of you know
what color boxers I'm wearing?

No. Because Eddie's not here to
administer my daily pants-ing.

Speaks Chinese...

And look at our Costco
bulk toilet paper pack.

Barely a dent.

Hey, maybe we should call Eddie
and see how he's doing.


If he needs us,
he'll call.

But I miss him.
Don't you?


Oh, come on.

We have plenty to talk about
besides Eddie.

Isn't the weather
beautiful today?


- So sunny!
- Very sunny.

Back to this funeral...

Oh, crap.
I'm outta cash.

I just got carried away
buying gifts.

Can you cover me?
I'll get you back.

I only had enough
for one fare.

Okay, we'll figure out
another way home.

Sorry. I'm hopping on
the next train.

Connie Chung's granddaughter's
in the program,

and if I don't make a move
at lunch,

I'll regret it
for the rest of my life.

Is she cute?

Breaking news...
She re cute.


Oh, wait! Um, what's the address
to our dorm, again?

825 Lane 199,
Xiazing Road.

Uh, 825
21 J-Jump Street...


We're okay, Crabby.

I'll just call Big Auntie,

and she'll come pick us up.


I used all my minutes
calling Trent!

Excuse me.
Want to buy this Garfield?

Hi! Meow-meow!
You want to buy this cat?

I know there's some Mandarin
in me somewhere. Um...





What's wrong?
Why is everybody so down?

I think we're just a little sad
because we miss Eddie.

He's only been gone
a few hours.

Speaks Chinese...

Come on, Jessica.

You don't miss him
even just a little bit?

It's okay to admit it
if you do.

Do you miss breakfast?
That was a few hours ago.

Even I have to admit,

I miss Eddie's
great conversation skills.

This meal's a dud
because he's gone.

Eddie?! What...

How is Eddie
a great conversationalist?

He just
keeps the chat flowing.

Like when someone's
telling a story,

he asks smart questions

and brings other people
into the dialogue.

I can do that.
Okay, somebody tell a story.

I'll fill in for Eddie.

Okay. Well, a funny thing
happened in gym class...

- What was it?
- I was just getting to that.

What day of the week
was it?

- That's irrelevant.
- Emery, jump in.

Do you think the day of the week
is irrelevant?

I don't know.

Louis, what about you?

Do you think the day of the week
is irrelevant?

I think you should let Evan
finish his story first.

Great point, Louis.

Evan, continue.

So, the gym teacher's
wearing shorts...

An adult man in shorts!

isn't that ridiculous?

I am uncomfortable.

Louis, make a joke
about your mother's discomfort.

Oh. Um...

Not as uncomfortable

as when we have to hear you
sing Peking opera.

How dare you!

Aw, geez. The wheels are
really coming off this meal.

But everybody is talking,
and the energy is way up.

you have to admit,

it's just not the same
without Eddie.

I agree.

It's better.

You're just romanticizing him
because he's gone.

You did the exact same thing
with Grandma's bird.

"Gigi was so funny.

I wish Gigi was here."

You forgot
that Gigi ate all our Band-Aids

and nested in the VCR.

That doesn't sound
like Gigi.

She pecked you
in the face, Louis.

W... That was a kiss!

Xiazing Road?
I'm only one stop away!

Speaks Chinese..

What's happening?

End of the line.
Get off.

Are we at Xiazing Road?

That was 15 stops ago.

Where are my bags?!


Jet lag is real.

Did you see
that huge mustache

on the hot dog guy
we just passed?

Bet Eddie would've
zinged him good.

something clever like,

"Hey, you got a caterpillar
under your nose."

No. Not like that.

Since you all
miss Eddie so much

I thought
I would do something for you.

What do you mean?

Oh, no! Big turn coming up!
Better slow down!

My brakes don't work!

Mine either!

Oh, no!
It's happening again!

How do I
stop this thing?!

As you can see,
I have clipped your brakes.

You all miss Eddie so much?

Here's a reminder
of what you're actually missing!

Aim for the lily pads!

I'm sorry, Crabby.

Don't worry.
We'll find a way home.

Guys, let's be friends.

do you like comedy?

I-I can do a really good
leprechaun impression.

"Me gold's
at the end of the rainbow!"

Speaks Chinese...

No, please.

It's the only thing
I have left.

Hey, don't worry! I'll get
these guys off your back.

Whoa. I can
understand Mandarin.

Immersion is the key.

- I'm speaking English.
- Oh.


Speaks Chinese...

Fine. Just take it.

So, I hope you all learned
a valuable lesson today.

What lesson?

You cut our brakes,
and we fell into a lake!

Because you needed
to be reminded

of the annoying things
Eddie did!

Yeah, Eddie's a handful,

but he also adds so much.

Why won't you
acknowledge that?

There's nothing
to acknowledge.

But I do have something
for you to think about.

While you're wasting your time
missing Eddie,

he isn't missing you.

How would you even know?

Because he hasn't
called us yet!

If he cared,
he would call!


Is Mom okay?

Speaks Chinese...

Holy moly!

Your Grandma's weird example
is right.

Your mom misses Eddie,
and she's expressing it

as hostility towards us
and our bicycles.

We have to do something to
help her get her feelings out...

For her sake
and for ours.

Speaks Chinese...

- No.
- No, thanks.

- Yeah.
- I'm good, thanks.

Thanks again
for trying to help.

What are you doing
in this part of town?

This isn't a tourist area.

I got separated from
my cultural exchange group,

and then I blew all my money
on gifts,

and then
I lost those gifts,

then my ass got lost, too.


Do you have a phone
I can use?

I need to call my Big Auntie
so she can come pick me up.

Yeah, I have a phone
at my home.

But I have to
finish my route first.

Hey, why don't you
help me out for the day?

And then when we're done,
you can use my phone.

How are you
with a knife?

Not as good as I am
with a spoon!

Here she comes.

Follow my lead.

What are you guys

Drawing portraits of
your favorite times with Eddie

and then kissing them?

That's not a bad idea.

But no. Take a seat.

I picked up some
"Missing You" greeting cards

to send to Eddie.

I thought you might like
to sign them.

You want me
to perjure myself in print?

I don't miss Eddie.

If one of you
committed a murder,

I wouldn't take
the bloody knife

and wipe it all over my body
so we can both take the fall.

I don't think that's

- what we're...
- You want me to drive to

the store in my bloody blouse,

make memorable small talk
with the cashier,

and then, when I go
to write the check,

accidentally pull out the knife
instead of my pen?

No. No way.

You wouldn't be
perjuring yourself,

because you actually do
miss Eddie.

I don't miss people.

People are either here
or they're not here.

"Missing" is just
something that happens

in Mariah Carey songs.

Just take a look
at the cards

and see
if you feel differently.


"There's a pit in my stomach
because I miss you."


"Even though you're far away,

I think about you
night and day."


"You can't tell on my face
that I'm sad,

but I miss you."

Okay, fine!

I miss Eddie!

I'm just like
this loose-skinned dog.

The house just isn't the same
without him.

Why won't he call?

I just want him to call.

This is hard.

But it's good
that you're letting it out.

Talking about Eddie will at least
make him here with us in spirit.

That's so cheesy, Louis.

But you're right.

Ugh! Why are
cheesy things right?!

Are Mariah Carey songs
built upon the truth?

Is she the greatest artist
in all of music history?

This is a lot to process.

It's good that you learn
to be without Eddie,

because in two years,
he'll be gone forever.

Ma, unhelpful.

Then you will have to do it
with these two.


I thought we were supposed to
talk about things.

that was hard work.

Hell of a sweat ring
you got going.

Yep, that's a lot of work,

but I almost saved up enough

to open a restaurant of my own
down the block.

Better and easier idea...
Just bring your food to Orlando.

Your noodles are better than
anything we have in the States.

You'd make a killing.

Eddie, come on.
It's not that easy.

Sure it is.

My dad has a restaurant,

and he'd totally
give you advice.

Wait. Your dad owns a successful
restaurant in America?

It's won
a couple regional awards.

You know,
a Palmy, a Pruny...


I immigrated to the U.S.
three years ago.

I stayed with my cousins
in Nevada,

and we tried
to open up a shop.

It bombed.

People were like,
"Why is my spaghetti in soup?"


Succeeding the way
your parents did is very hard.

Didn't they tell you?

They did,
but I thought

they were just doing
that "back in my day" thing.

You know, "Back in my day,
there was no hand sanitizer.

We just
boiled our hands."


Look at you.

You come here
on a cultural exchange,

which is the most sheltered
version of visiting a country,

and you end up broke, lost,

and clutching a crab backpack
for comfort.

It's no joke
what your parents pulled off.


you should call
your Big Auntie.


- Hey, Mom.
- Eddie!

I'm... somewhat excited
you called.

I'm like a 5 on a scale of 10
in excitement.

No, we're at a 10.

- How's it going out there?
- Hey, Dad.

Let's just say it's more
than I ever expected.

You went clubbing,
didn't you?

Did you go
to Diablo Yang's?

Anything goes
on that dance floor.

I'm pretty sure
that's a library now.

Oh, what a waste.

Anyway, I'm just calling

to tell you guys I'm sorry.

I should've respected
your advice.

Who is this?

No, I'm serious, Mom.

I've got next-level respect

for your struggle
as immigrants to America.


That means a lot, son.

Wait. Why do you have
a newfound respect?

Are you in trouble?

No, I'm fine.

I made
some cool-ass friends here,

including this one guy
named Willie.

He makes the best noodles.

Wait, wait.
Are you calling your parents?

That's long-distance, man!

What are you doing?!

We spent hours on a kissable
drawing to cheer Mommy up,

and just when we're
about to show it to her,

Eddie calls
and ruins it.

Classic Eddie...
Such a wild card.

God, I've missed him.

Hey, Eddie!

Guess what.

Grandma has tattoos
of the cast of "Cheers."

Rhea Perlman
is on her lower back.

So, what else
is going on?

I'll go first.
Here's my Eddie.

I listened to this one rapper,

and he's my favorite.

And then I listened
to this other rapper,

and he's just as good.

What do I do?!

Yo, Pops,

I got a new dish
you gotta put on the menu.

It's cheese, cantaloupe,
salmon, pecans,

and Thousand Island

blended and served
in a basketball shoe.

Also, I need Friday off.

I say words too fast.
I say words too fast.

What am I saying?
I say words too fast.

I say words too fast.
I say words too fast.

What am I saying?
I say words too fast.

It almost feels
like he's here.

Hi, Eddie.
How are you today?


I feel like Mom's controlling
everything I do!

-- Captions by VITAC...
Sync corrections by srjanapala