Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - License to Sell - full transcript

A few weeks ago,
my mom accidentally sold a house.

We love it.
We'd like to make an offer.

- It was like she'd finally found her
calling in life. - I was born to do this!

And she jumped right into it, full force.

Thank you so much. Good-bye.

Hey, it's nice, but five bedrooms
is a lot for our first home.

No, it is not. Listen, Manuel, Soleil.

- Those are not our names.
- It doesn't matter.

I sold a house on my very first day
on the job. Trust me.

- I am the best.
- There she is!

She's the one who keeps swooping in
on my listings!



- Hey, Jessica.
- Oh, hi, George.

Officer Bryson is a regular
at my husband's restaurant.

We have a caricature of him on the wall.

I'm wearing an apron,
standing next to a barbecue.

I love barbecue sauce,
and they ran with it.

Can we please!

She doesn't even have a Realtor's license.

Go ahead. Ask to see her license.

She's come down
to the station three times.

- Do you mind?
- Not at all.

Let me get it. It's just in my car.

I hate caricatures.

Is my nose a little big? Yes.
Could my husband use it as a ski jump? No.

She's getting away!



Shoot out her tire!

Which... Which would be an easy shot...

from this beautiful,
hand-carved double door entry.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Oh. I forgot my wallet.

You're at home.

Boys, get over here!

What is it?

Something I wanted for a long time.

A giant box? I'm so happy for you, Dad.
Congratulations.

When I grow up, I'm gonna get a box too.

Ever since I first laid eyes on Nicole,
I knew she was my girl.

Maybe she was out of my league, but look
at Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri.

If that ashy little nugget
could get it, so could I.

Dad.

How do I get Nicole to like me?

Well, you picked a tough one, buddy.
I'm not gonna lie.

She's cute and she's older.
You're 11, and you sleep with a Gloworm.

Yo, G-dubs sleeps with me.

Look, getting girls
is like opening a restaurant.

It's all about location.

You just have to be conveniently located
when she's driving home from the airport...

and too desperate
to look for other options.

- What do you mean? - Find out where
she's gonna be and be there always.

Like, uh, is she part of any clubs?

Or where does she go after school?

That's your move, buddy.
That's what you're gonna do.

Huh.

Apparently, you need a license
to sell houses.

- Did you know this?
- I did know this.

I told you this, and you ignored me.

Ashley Alexander
is trying to take me out...

because she knows I am the best.

It is like Mike Tyson all over again.

They bring in Miss Black Rhode Island...

Honey, you're gonna have
to give up on that.

He was guilty. He went to jail.

Fine. I will ace their silly exam...

and then I will treat myself to a Chipwich.

Because tell me why, Evan.

- Huh?
- Evan, always be listening to me.

What did I ask you when you got a 99
on your spelling test?

"Did anyone get a 100?"
And I said, "No."

And you said, "Then you are the best."

That's right,
because what do I say, Emery?

- Huh?
- Emery, always be listening to me.

If you're going to do something,
be the best.

Guys, speaking of the best...

What is that?

It's a sit-down salon-style hair dryer,
and it's beautiful.

Now I can finally reach
my maximum hair potential.

I need more information.

I ordered it from the outlet mall.

See, you know how handheld dryers
blow your hair back...

when what you really want
is for the hair to be blown down?

That's what
the Philippe Monday 3000-S provides...

a cone of premium
omnidirectional hot air...

for that all-over dry.

Thank you.

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Excuse me. Can you move?

I want to sit close to the door.
This won't take me long.

I have a Chipwich
waiting for me in the car.

This test is a waste of my time.

Oh, I know what you mean.
I always say, "Time is money."

Hello.

It says "Get rich" in Chinese.

I love that.

- Kim from Sunshine Realty.
- Jessica.

- Are you already a Realtor?
- Yes, for 10 years now.

I'm just renewing my license. What about you?
How long have you been in the game?

Only a month, but I already
sold a house on my first try.

Congratulations.
You will never forget your first time.

Mine was, what, 358 houses ago?

You jive.

I know. It's crazy, right?
But I'm kind of a freak of nature.

I've been voted top-selling Realtor
five years running...

according to the Orlando Sentinel.

They call you that?

Yes. Kind of embarrassing.

Here's the article.

You can keep that. I have copies, so...

So, uh, why are you so late to the game?
Career change?

Well, I have three kids.

Oh. Okay. So you made that choice.

Hey, I am also a stay-at-home mom...

starting my act two in life.

You and me... We're the same.

No, we are not.

I envy you two.

- We are not the same.
- Tell us all about it.

We are not the... same.

You have two hours for part one.

I forgot my pencil.
Let me go get it.

It's just in my car.

State got my letter, right?
Marge Hickman.

I'm allowed these?

What are you doing here?

Eating a Chipwich.

I thought you were supposed to be
taking your real estate exam.

Okay, Honey.

What did your dad mean...

"Be conveniently located
when she's driving home from the airport"?

He was saying I should find out
where she at after school.

If I could spend time with my dad...

I wouldn't waste it
talking about some skeeze.

Okay, Dave.

- Missy.
- Wow!

You are gonna spend
the rest of your life in detention.

At least I have a life.

What's this? What's this?
Oh! It's my wedding ring.

I have a life.

That's how I'm gonna spend time with her.

I gotta get thrown into detention.

Oh, yeah? How are you gonna do that?

Yes, Eddie?

Oprah sucks.

Hey, girl.

Looks like we're just two rebels here.

Yeah. Totally.

Um, can you hold this for me?

I'll be right back.

Young man, is that a bag of ninja stars?

What? No.
Nicole just asked me to hold this for her.

Did she leave? She did it again.

I don't know where she gets off.

You know I'm married, right?

Congratulations!

- What?
- You passed your test!

We knew you would.
It's just a formality.

Like you said,
gotta weed out the dum-dums.

Yep. I did it. No dum-dums here.

The cake says "ABC,"
"Always be celebrating."

I thought the "B" should stand for "best."

"Always best celebrating"?

That's what you wanted?

What'd you say, Mommy?

I-I didn't say anything.

Oh. Okay. I'm listening to you though,
just so you know.

Careful.

What's going on?

Oh. Excuse the 3000-S.
She got a wider stance than I realized.

I told the girls at school
we got a new hair dryer...

and they said,
"Don't do anything different to your hair.

We love it."

Who said that? Bianca?
That sounds like Bianca.

Yup.

Jessica, don't you have to get up?

I thought you had a lot
of houses to show today.

Oh, yes, a lot of showings today.
Busy, busy.

Houses, mansions, condos, houseboats.

How crazy are houseboats?

You go home and you sail away.

What's your address? The ocean.

Don't like your neighbors?
Fish are your neighbors.

You can eat your neighbors.

So, yeah. Busy, busy.

Okay. Have a great day. I'm going under.

Dad. I went to where
Nicole hangs out after school.

She blew me off.

Okay, well, now that you've
got her location down...

you gotta find out what she likes
so you can plan your menu.

Can you not talk in restaurant?

Okay. Find some shared interests,
something you both like...

you know, to break the ice.

Is that what you did with Mom?

Not right away. We developed our shared
interest over about nine months... you.

Nasty.

Unbelievable.

I love it!

I didn't take the test.

I have nowhere to go, and I have to
pretend to be at work all day.

No, he died last year.

It's very sad.

Okay, you little turds.

No funny business today.

I'm at a really big point
in Michael Crichton's Congo...

and I'm gonna put my headphones on.

Couldn't help but notice you framed me
with a bag of ninja stars the other day.

You into Asian warfare?

Brandon Lee was hot.

RIP, B. Lee.

You ever seen The Crow?
It's one of my favorite movies.

I don't need to see it.
I've lived it.

My pizza!

Get away, crows!

This place sucks.

I don't even need to be here anyway.
I'm going to beauty school.

Girl, let me stop you right there.

You do not need a school
to teach you how to be beautiful.

A beauty school, where you learn
how to do hair and makeup?

Awesome! I love that stuff too!

You should come over
sometime after school.

- I...
- Yes.

Jessica? Hey!

What are you doing here?
Why aren't you showing houses?

I didn't take the Realtor test.

What? Why not?

Because I'm never gonna be as good as her.

Oh! Kim. Oh.

She is great. She sold us our house.

Okay, Honey.

I'm sorry, Jessica.

Look, I know how hard it is living
in someone else's shadow.

Marvin's first wife
was 25 years older than me...

25 pounds heavier...

and is addicted to prescription meds.

How are you living in her shadow?

Oh. No. Sweetie, no.

No, no. She's living in mine.
And I really feel for her.

Look, anyway, the point is,
there's always gonna be a shadow.

So it's up to you to step out of it.

So...

we're gonna stop eating the ice cream...

and you are gonna get your butt
back down there and ace that test.

You are right.

Thank you, Honey.
That's exactly what I am going to do.

Ma'am. Ma'am, you can't do those here.

You're gonna get
scratcher dust in the ketchup.

Well, I can't go outside,
because my friend is a jogging maniac.

She's all over the city.

The only place I am safe is here,
by your junk food.

Let's see what you have in your pot...

you cute, little leprechaun.

Mmm.

Nothing.

There's flies making love
in your hot dog case!

Mission Control,
this is Star Fighter. Come in.

The shields are down!
I repeat, the shields are down!

- We're coming in hot, and we're
bringing company! - Damn it, Lieutenant!

- The shields are down!
- We're breaking up on reentry!

The G-force is too much!

Tell Bianca I loved her.

I will do no such thing
'cause you're gonna tell her yourself.

You guys are good.

And this is my crimper
with interchangeable plates.

It's the same one Melissa Joan Hart uses.

That's so interesting.

It wasn't interesting, but I didn't care.

- I was in her crib! - You know, I'm
glad you guys moved in next door.

- You are?
- Yeah.

It was pretty boring around here.

And your house was empty for so long
because of the murders.

- What?
- I'm kidding.

Yo, you got me there.

Hey, could I ask you a favor?

I need someone to practice
my beauty stuff on.

No problem, girl. Do your thing.

Yeah? Cool. Thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I thought you were
just gonna style my hair or something.

What I really need to learn
is ear piercing.

You know Brandon Lee
had an earring, right?

True that.

Ooh, this was crazy.

It was the closest
I'd ever been to a girl...

who wasn't my mom, a dentist, a nurse-

Aaah!

Quick. Propensity.

P-R-O-P... ensity.

Propensity.

- "Ensity"?
- Wrong.

Here's the word. Write it five times.

How was your first day
as a licensed Realtor?

Oh, you know, it... it was the same.

It didn't feel any different.

But it had to feel a little different, right?
You're legit now.

Actually, I was thinking about it, and...

I feel like I have conquered that world.

I am ready to move on to something else.

Don't be silly. You're great at this.

Hey. Can I see your license?

- Uh... Oh, it's in the car.
- Don't worry.

I know you photograph angry.
I don't care.

I just want to see the license.

Oh. Well, let me just get it.

In my purse.

- Let me just get it.
- Okay.

Oh.

A little zip-zip.

Oh, no! Someone has stolen it.

- No one leaves until we find out who.
- It's definitely Grandma.

Jessica, I know you didn't take the test.

What? No!

I ran into Honey.

- Hey!
- Judas priest!

Whoa.

She told me everything.

The only thing that woman
runs more than her legs is her mouth.

She's worried about you.

Okay, it's true. I didn't take the test.

Here's the thief, Mommy.

See ya, girl.

- Dude, let's go!
- Get your bike out!

- W-What's going on?
- Shaq's at the barbecue store at the mall!

- What?
- He's getting his propane tank fixed.

Just before that, he was at Mrs. Fields,
getting one of those giant cookies.

But I bet to him, it's a regular cookie.

Dude! Is that an earring?

Yeah. Nicole tagged me
like her own personal wildcat.

- You look like a fool!
- We're losing focus!

- Eddie. Eddie, get on.
- Hey, Eddie!

I just found my henna stencils.
Can I practice decorating your hands?

Too long, Huang. We gotta go.

Shaq! We're coming, Shaq!

We forgive you for Shaq Fu!

- What's going on? Why didn't you
take the test? - What's the point?

No matter how many houses I sell...

I'm never gonna catch up with people
who've been doing it for 10 years.

It's too late in the game
for me to be the best.

Why do you always have to be the best?

Because I tell the boys
they always have to be the best.

- So your answer is to just quit?
- I'm not used to this!

Well, you're also not used
to having a full-time job...

living in Orlando,
having a husband with perfect hair.

A lot of things in life are new for you.

All that matters is you do your best.

Isn't that a better example
for the boys than quitting?

I like quitters even less than losers.

It goes like this.

It goes quitters, losers, cats, Kleenex...

Martin Sheen, redheads,
croissants, buttons...

Quick! What are the zoning laws for
a noncommercial establishment?

- I just opened the book.
- Wrong! Here's the answer.

Write it five times.

It's fun when Mommy's bad.

Hey, Mommy won't be bad for long.

I crunched the numbers, and if I sell 20
luxury homes a year, I could beat Kim.

Plus, she's gonna turn 40 soon,
panic and do IVF.

That'll bench her for a few months.

But that's not what's important,
right, honey?

Right, right. No, right.

Hey, Mom. I'm home.

Just gonna get a jump on my homework!
Love you!

You love me?

- What are you hiding?
- Nothing.

An earring? Eddie!

I take my eye off you for five minutes,
and you do this?

- And what are these?
- No...

Eddie! I can't belie...

My goodness.
Your hands are beautiful.

Is your ear pierced?

You are in so much trouble.

I'm just doing what Dad told me...
treating Nicole like a restaurant.

- You told him this was okay?
- No.

I told him to spend time with her
and find shared interests.

Which is what I did.
She did all of this.

I-I can't even look at you
with that thing.

Here, put this back on.

You look like an Indian Elmer Fudd.

I said "shared interests."
What are you doing?

- You're not into this stuff.
- I know. And I missed seeing Shaq at the mall.

He was power-browsing,
and I wanted to go...

but Nicole wanted to henna my hands.

What was Shaq browsing at the mall?

- Cookies and propane.
- Hmm. That makes sense.

- You figure he can't buy clothes there.
- This is stupid!

I'm just gonna give up.

Eddie, no.

I am not quitting, and you are not either.

Just be yourself.

If that's not good enough,
that's not the girl for you.

Hey, wait. Where's your earring?

I took it out.

And the henna wouldn't come off,
so you'll just have to imagine that's gone too.

I thought it looked great.

Honestly, I'm not really
into any of that beauty stuff.

But you should totally go for it.
You're good at it.

And after I'm done being grounded...

if you want to do something
that's not lame...

like watch basketball or whatever...

I'd be down.

By the way...

I heard Shaq wasn't really
at the mall yesterday.

It was just some big black guy
in a mustard-colored suit.

Oh, I know. Dave was crying
at the bus stop this morning.

I mean, where do you even
get a suit that color?

And calling everybody "cousin."
That guy knew what he was doing.

Bam!

I did it. I passed the test.

Congratulations! I knew you could do it!

We still have some of your cake left.

Who did that?

Who on earth improved this cake?

You did.

Star Fighter to Mission Control.

My radar's been shot out.
I don't have eyes.

My shields are up,
but I don't know for how long.

There's someone here
who wants to talk to you.

Honey, it's me.

You're the bravest star fighter ever.

Come back for me and the kids. I love you.

I love you too, Maureen.

Who's Maureen?

I knew you were listening.

Go to bed!

Star Fighter out.

Aaah. Oh, no, I pressed the wrong button.

I think that's a good idea.

Hmm.

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