Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Phillip Goldstein - full transcript

Eddie tries to make friends with the only other Chinese kid in school.

Finding your way
in a new school's always tough...

especially when you don't
have a crew of your own.

Dude, how great is sailing?

Yo, I saw Puffy
wearing boat shoes the other day.

He looked tight.

Boat shoes are functional footwear
with a purpose.

Obviously, you've never
tried to raise the jib on wet teak.

Culturally, we didn't
have anything in common...

which is why it meant so much when
I finally found someone I could identify with.

Did I tell you my dad knows L.L. Bean?

Leroy Leroy Bean.

I love L.L. Bean.

But I'm getting ahead
of myself. Let's roll this story back.

- Mom, wake up!
- Aaah! Who died? Who died?

What? No. I made you breakfast in bed.

What do you want?

Okay, just hear me out.

There's a Beastie Boys concert
this weekend, and I w...

No. I am not letting you
go to a rap concert.

What's wrong with a rap concert?

It's the music of the time.

See? Dad gets it!

Okay, Louis, I know
you like to be good cop...

but somebody has to wield
the hammer in this family.

No, they don't.
We could both be good cops.

Like that movie Good Cops.

There's no such movie.

Yes, Mom, they're rappers,
but they're white rappers.


Eddie, we have been through this before...

and the answer is always the same.

- But they're sort of Asian.
- No!

- But he's a doctor.
- No!

You're always talking about
the year of the dog.

That's a stretch. No!

Eddie, I just don't understand you...

the music you listen to,
the way you talk, your clothes.

Why can't you support
something that I like for once?

Well, why can't you be a good
Chinese boy like Evan and Emery?

They both study hard, play violin...

wear button-up shirts properly...

not like you, buttoning the top button
and letting the rest flap out like a cape.

That's called being a "G," Mom!

Why do you want to be a letter...

that's only worth two points in Scrabble?

"Q" is better!

I'm sure you all know
why I gather you here.

Mitch has decided to take a lateral
position at the Golden Saddle.

As far as I'm concerned,
he no longer exists.

Has anyone seen my astronaut pen?

I never should have slept with you.

Okay, well, if anyone sees my pen
in Nancy's purse, let me know.

Oh. L... I'm sorry. Should l...

Don't worry about it, Mitch.

Despite your betrayal,
you were here when I opened this place...

and I'll never forget that.


It's time to forget about Mitch.

I'm going to start
setting up interviews for a new host.

Oh! I-I-I'd be interested in the job.

Come on.

Well, Eddie, I'm sure you're wondering
why you're in here today.

If this is about
the clay sculpture I made...

No, Mrs. Uveda has an active imagination.

That's why she's the art teacher.

I've chosen you to be a first-day friend
for a new student.

Show them around the school,
teach them the ropes.

But I've only been here for a few months.

More than enough time.

Plus, I think you and the new student,
Phillip, might have some things in common.

Like what?

Let's just say I feel like
you have mutual interests and experiences.

He's Chinese, isn't he?

What? No.

Is he?
Gosh, I'm not sure.

Let's just... Let's...


- Could you send in Phillip?
- Sure. Which one is he?

There's a few kids out here.

Uh... you know, Phillip.

I'm gonna need more than that.
What does he look like?

Well, Phillip is here to meet Eddie Huang.


Um, Principal Hunter,
if you could be more specific...

I can get you what you need.

Here's an idea...
just say the name Phillip...

and whoever stands up, send him in,
because that's probably Phillip.

I couldn't have been happier.

This was the first Chinese kid
I'd met since moving from DC.

Finally, I had a crew.

Yo, what's up, Phillip? I'm Eddie.

- It's a pleasure to meet you, Eddie.
- Come on.

I'll show you around.

Was that Phillip?

And I have no idea what happens
in this room either.

- The sign on the door says "Library."
- Hmm.

Looks like someone's got a twin.

Looks like somebody's outnumbered.

Anyways, I've been running my mouth
for this whole time.

Where's your family from?

- Hunan?
- Jerusalem.

I was adopted by Jewish parents.
My last name is Goldstein.

Oh, that's cool.

We both eat Chinese food on Christmas,
and our parents are super pushy.

Okay. What kind of stuff are you into?

- You like the Beastie Boys?
- I prefer musicals.

- Shaq?
- Tolstoy.

- Bling?
- Investments.

- Hangin' with Mr. Cooper? - Can't watch
TV on Fridays because of Shabbat.

Hangin' with God.

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- Stinky tofu?
- Gefilte fish.

Stinky tofu sounds repulsive.

We don't like each other, do we?

I find your company undesirable.

Look who's best friends!

This is gonna get
my ex-wife back for sure.

After spending a day showing Phillip around...

I figured my time was done
and that would be that...

but I was wrong.

Phillip, go over there
and work with Eddie.

I feel like you two
will have great chemistry together.

The pun gun is set to "Laughs."

Okay. Pair up with
the person next to you for stretches.

Eddie, you pair up with Phillip.

- But he's not even next to me. - Lucky for
you, I have a soft spot for best friends.

Okay, let's open up those hammies!

I even told Principal Hunter
about the whole thing feeling kind of racist.

In response to complaints of racism...

I now commence the first meeting
of the... Pacific Rim Club.

You now have a safe haven
to celebrate your unique culture.

I'm leaving you a box of watercolors
and parchment...

if you choose to express yourself through
monumental landscape painting.

Meat is murder!

Again, I don't know why you interviewed
for this position, but thank you.

We'll keep your résumé on file.

Beg your pardon, sir. Name's Wyatt.

I noticed your "help wanted" sign.

- Position still open?
- Depends. You got any experience?

Ah, well, startin' in '89...

I spent two years on a cattle ranch
in Big Sky country...

gettin' to know every part
of these delicious creatures.

After that, I did a four-year stint
maître d'-in' at "Spay-go."

When, uh... uh...

Who am I kiddin'?
I'm sorry for wastin' your time, mister.

Uh, wait!

You got the job.

Well, golly.

All right.

I... don't have a hat.

That's my ride. Later, nerd.

- Who is this?
- Oh, he's nobody. Let's...

Another Chinese boy in school?

Hey, come on!
Let's give you a ride home.

It's quite all right.
I'm just waiting for the late bus.

Nonsense. Eddie, get in the back.

I appreciate the ride, Mrs. Huang.

Gives me more time to finish my homework
before music lessons.

Oh, what instrument do you play?

- Cello.
- Orchestral?

- Solo.
- Practice?

- Daily.
- How much?

Five times perfect in a row.

If I make a mistake on the fifth time,
I start over.


Arranged the tables, sir.

Noticed a couple wobblers over there,
so I balanced 'em out with some scrap wood.

Also, I hope you don't mind, I edited
the sticker in the window to make it say...

"No boots, no shirt, no service."

Oh, uh, I was looking at the menus...

and I noticed you moved
the daily specials insert?

Yes, sir. Made it better.

I reckon having the specials on the left
makes it the first thing a customer sees.

Little trick I learned
at the Cuatro Seasons in Cabo.

- This was a mess before.
- It's... It's great.

Oh, welcome to Cattleman's Ranch.
What a beautiful family.

- Oh! Thank you!
- This way.

And allow me.


- Ma'am.
- Wow.

And these specials look so good.

Eddie, will you sign this petition?

Mr. Hedgehog is running for mayor.

Evan and I are learning about
the government in school this week.

Your hedgehog is stupid.

You made a powerful enemy today.

Eddie! I thought I heard you come home.

How was Phillip's day today? Did you give him
the snack I packed for him in your lunch?

I did. He hated it.

Too much ginger. I knew it.

- Do we have to talk about this right now?
- There's so much to talk about.

Mrs. Goldstein called to thank me
for giving Phillip a ride home yesterday.

A Chinese boy with Jewish parents.

The world is an amazing place.

Yeah, Mom, everything
about Phillip's amazing. I get it.

Eddie, I am sorry
that I keep talking about him.

I'm just excited for you to have
a good Chinese boy to hang out with.

Now you two can look out for each other.

That's true. It's just a shame you won't
let me go to the Beastie Boys concert.

Phillip is a big fan
and needs someone to go with.

Phillip is going?

Oh! Well, that changes everything.

- You can go.
- Thanks, Mom!

- We can talk about it with him tonight.
- Say what now?

The Goldsteins
invited us over for dinner.

Hospitality isn't dead.

What a family.

What a great family.

I call this one here the wedding ring.

- Oh, yeah!
- Always with the lasso.

Hey, hey, Louis.

Mitch, what are you doing here?

Well, I was just out for an afternoon
pedal, figured I'd pop in.

Well, you look good.

Thanks. You know, they're paying me
more at the Golden Saddle...

so, picked up a 10-speed and, you know,
just been hittin' the open road.

I've only been doing it for two days,
but it has totally changed my body.

- Y-You look good too.
- Oh, haircut.

- Oh, yeah!
- Started going to a black barbershop.

They have fun there, let me tell you.

Like, "Oh, what the..."

And ta-da!
There we go. All right.

Wow. Looks like the restaurant's
been doing great since I left.

Oh, yeah.

Wyatt's been, uh... really great.

Oh. Oh!

- I'm so, so sorry.
- Don't.

It's okay.
Honestly, I kind of miss that.

Things have been
a little too perfect around here.

It's almost annoying.

- I want to come back!
- Come back!

Oh, thank God.
The Golden Saddle is so corporate.

They don't treat individuals
like themselves.

- It's all about the bottom line.
- They drug test, don't they?

- Yeah.
- Put in your two weeks' notice. I'll fire Wyatt.

Really? All right! Great!

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

- Wyatt.
- Yes, sir?

This is, uh, hard for me to say,
but there's no way around it.

I love what you bring to Cattleman's Ranch.
You're doing a great job.

- No notes.
- Thank you, sir.

- Okay.
- Wow, that means a lot. Thank you.

All right.
Who wants to see the Texas Skip?

Hey, how come you don't
come by the restaurant anymore?

I know what you're doing.
I'm not going to fire Wyatt for you.

It's just that you're
so naturally confrontational.

Thank you.
But you always do this.

You always want to be the good cop...

so you bring me in to wield the hammer.

- Do your own dirty work.
- You're so good at getting us hotel upgrades.


An angel is among us.

Amazing, Phillip! Amazing.

I wanted Eddie to play the cello...

but he wanted to play the beatbox instead.

Eddie, stop. Stop spitting into your hands.

Phillip's music is just so elegant.

- I'm surprised he likes the Beastie...
- Do I smell food?

Let's eat!

Thanks for turning off
the stove for me, Jessica.

These Shabbat dinners
are a little tricky for us.

- What's Shabbat?
- Well, Shabbat is the Jewish day of rest.

We're prohibited from doing certain things
from Friday night to Saturday night...

turning electrical devices,
like the stove, on and off...

uh, handling money,
putting flowers in water.

It kind of sounds like you're gremlins
from the movie Gremlins.

- Emery!
- What happens if you get water on you?

- Evan! - Believe me, we'd love
to let some of these rules slide.

But our Phillip is just so strict with us.

I know the feeling.
We got one in our house too.


- I believe that if you're gonna
do something, do it right. - Yes!

Take it easy, Mom.

You are so responsible, Phillip.

This is exactly why I feel so good...

about you two going to
the Beastie Boys concert tomorrow night.

Absolutely, Mrs. Huang.
It's gonna be a great time.

Did you just go to the bathroom
in the dark because of Shabbat?

Yeah. I Ray Charles'd it.

Why did you go along with my lie
about the Beastie Boys concert?

Because I have a proposition for you.

I'll go to your silly rap show
tomorrow night...

if you bring me to a matinee performance
of Les Misérables earlier that day.

Look at this... a couple of buddies scheming
about who-knows-what.

I love it.
Don't tell me anything about it.

I'll be in the bathroom.

I need you to take me to Les Mis...

because the rules of Shabbat
forbid my parents from driving me...

and I can't handle money,
so I can't buy tickets and a proper souvenir.

And how is that my problem?

It's not, but it's your only way
to see the Beastie Boys.

Fine. You got yourself a deal.


For Les Mis,
you're gonna want to clean this up.

Okay, so I have to fire this cowboy host
at work, and I need your help.

We're gonna do a little role-play.

I'll be the boss,
and you're the employee I'm firing, okay?

Evan, I called you in here today...

Hold on. Your face is too cute.
I can't fire that face.

Be more serious.

Well, that's even cuter.
You're excused. Go. Go, go, go, go, go.

Emery, though I do value your work...

- My butt fell off.
- What?

My butt fell off. You can't fire me.

This is the only job
I can do without a butt.

- I got no butt.
- Then I can't fire you.

- Yeah.
- Oh, gosh.

Mrs. Goldstein and I talked,
and the plan is simple...

After the musical, you walk
to the concert venue.

It's only three blocks away.
And make s...

I know, I know. Stick together
and look out for each other.

Okay, and here is some money
for souvenirs and snacks.

Why are you giving it to Phillip?

Oh, honey, because I trust him more.

Actually, I can't handle
any money today. Shabbat.

Eddie, could you grab that
and put it in my pocket?

Careful not to confuse
a pocket for a pleat.

They're pressed, and they're deep.

God, I love the mezzanine.


Whoo! Thank God it's finally over.

It's intermission.


I feel my life has peaked too early.


I'm going to the bathroom.

When I get back, I'm reaching in your
pocket, paying for your dumb shirt...

and we're going to the Beastie Boys.

They're doing Follies in the spring?

Um, yes, please.

It is great to be back, boss.

It is so great to have you back, Mitch.

So, the first thing
I need you to do is fire Wyatt.

- You're joking.
- I know why you think that. I am a jokester.

But no, seriously,
you're gonna have to do it.

Uh... okay.

Okay, yeah, I'll do it. I mean... yeah.

- I can't wait to do it.
- Great.

I leave at 5:30, so do it at 5:35.

- I want to be on the highway
when it's happening. - I...

Adios, Wyatt.




How could you lose Phillip?

You were supposed to
look out for each other.

I don't know, Mom. I'm sorry.

- What if somebody took him?
- Don't say that.

Who wouldn't want him? He's perfect.

Okay, we just have to tell
the Goldsteins the truth.

And so you know, I'm going to put
most of the blame on you...

not because I want to,
but for legal purposes.

- Phillip!
- Oh, thank God!

Hello, Mrs. Huang.

- Edwyn.
- What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I got to the front of the
merchandise line, and you weren't back.

But then I realized it was nightfall...
Shabbat was over.

I thought that ended at midnight.

I'm a devout Jew, not Cinderella.

So I bought this gorgeous shirt myself
and caught the bus home.

You were supposed to go
to the concert with me!

- Yeah, I didn't want to do that.
- You just left him?

Phillip, you should be
ashamed of yourself.

Eddie gave up going to his concert
to look for you...

and you broke your promise to him.

You are very selfish.

You are not a good Chinese boy.

- Eddie is.
- Nice, Mom.

Now drop the mike and let's go.

- Drop the mike? Who is Mike?
- Microphone, Mom.

It means you were awesome.

Not gonna lie-
what my mom did back there surprised me.

She took me to see the Beastie Boys
the very next night in Tampa.


Thank God that's finally over.

- No, that was just the opening act.
- Man!

That was awesome!

So, like I was saying...

finding your bearings
in a new school is always tough.

Obviously, you've never
tried to raise the jib on wet teak.

Which is why it means so much
when you finally find someone...

you identify with.

Can't keep me down, Goldstein.

You're a Philistine, Huang.

But sometimes, the more meaningful way
to connect with somebody...

isn't the most obvious one.

You saw the Beastie Boys too?

Hell yeah, I did! It was ill!

I can't believe
they opened with "Egg Man."

- I mean, crazy, right?
- Oh, my God!

Check us out...
an Asian kid and a black kid...

bonding over music
by white Jewish rappers.

America's crazy.

Hi. Welcome to Cattleman's Ranch.

May I get you a table or a booth?

Would you like me to lasso you...

a couple seats at the bar?

Oh! Lasso, please.

What's Wyatt still doing here?

I couldn't fire him. Those dimples.

Look, it's okay. We'll just be co-hosts.

Okay, well, then you two
are splitting a salary.

Wyatt, you're fired!

You're fired, Wyatt! Wyatt!

Wait. Let me get on the highway.

I don't even have my keys out yet!

I think that's a good idea.


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