Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Persistent Romeo - full transcript

Every Saturday...

it seemed like all the guys
in my school went to a sleepover.

And every Monday, they'd brag about it
in front of kids who weren't invited, like me.

- Man, we ate so much cereal.
- Yeah, we did.

- Remember when Doug wet the bed?
- Sploosh.

It's not a party
till my sleeping bag's flooded.

Yeah.

Sleepovers are corny as hell.

Right? Those guys are so dumb.

Hey, Eddie. Wanna come
to my sleepover on Saturday?

Yes! Wait a minute.
Why are you inviting me? Is this a trick?



No tricks. Trent told me about you
feeling up that old lady at the block party.

He touched her butt.
She was, like, 25.

Respect. You're gonna super appreciate
what I've got planned for Saturday.

I've got a dirty magazine.

Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

I hear Elle Macpherson's pretty.

Obviously, none of us had seen
a dirty magazine before.

It was 1995.

It wasn't like you could
just say, "Siri, find me boobs."

My big brother got a subscription
under a fake name... "Todd Thickstone."

He's on the Eagle Scouts' trip
until Sunday, so it's all ours.

I was mad psyched.
I was on the road to making some friends.

No way.

Why not? It's just a sleepover.



Because pedophiles.

I saw it on The Nightly News.

Back in DC, my mom spent her days
working at my uncle's furniture store...

and her nights
karaoke-ing with her friends.

But since we moved to Orlando,
she had a lot of time on her hands...

time she filled watching The Nightly News.

Are you at risk for date rape?

Are deadly chemicals in your couch?

Sexual harassment in the workplace-
Can it happen to you?

Yes, it can.

Fearmongering was made for my mom...

and her paranoia
made the rest of us miserable.

Uh... are we still going to the movies?

Only if there's something with Denzel.

Movie theaters are a hotbed for disease.
Nightly News.

Crimson Tide is playing.

Start the car.

Eddie, dinner.

If you don't let me
go to that sleepover...

I'm gonna stop eating.

Buddy.

I overreached. I see that now.

Eddie, I already told you,
you can have the sleepover here.

I know that we are not pedophiles.

The guys won't go for that.
I don't have a dirty ma...

It's just stupid here.

You won't believe...

what happened at work today.

What's going on?

A customer just asked to be seated...

but all the tables are full.

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Should we... start a waiting list?

And then we started a waiting list!

That's amazing!
It's what we've been waiting for!

Oh, no. I was afraid of this.

Yeah... W-Wait. What just happened?

Eddie, what's the thing you always say...

that the fat brown man says?

"Mo money, mo problems"?

Yes, that. Now that we are close
to achieving our dreams...

we have to think about protecting them.

We don't want to be a target...

for frivolous lawsuits.

I saw it on The Nightly News.

Why do you always find...

something to worry about?

Just relax.
Our insurance cover everything.

- Food poisoning?
- Covered.

- Slip and fall?
- Covered.

- Sexual harassment?
- Damn, you're good.

I knew there would be something!

We need to do a seminar
so that we are not liable.

I can do it.

At my family's furniture store,
I handle employee grievances.

The employees
were you and your sister.

That bitch.

Jessica, don't say itch-bay...

in front of the K-I-D-S.

Dad, we can spell.

Of course you can, little man.

Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna get you an applesauce.

- Dad, I don't want an apple... Okay,
I'll have an applesauce. - Okay.

My mom convinced my dad to let her
give the sexual harassment seminar by...

well, pretty much harassing him.

Welcome to the first official...

Cattleman's Ranch
sexual harassment seminar.

Okay?

To make sure we always have...

a pleasant work environment...

flirting should be avoided at all times.

Unless you're a handsome man,
because who doesn't like that?

Ladies, let's discuss how to sit.

Your ankles should be crossed
at all times...

unless your thigh
make it physically impossible.

You cannot wear
any shirts that expose...

your belly button...

especially if you have an outie.

That's just gross.

Dirty jokes in
the workplace not allowed.

For example...

"A German broad with big honkers
walks into a bar."

Okay! That's uncomfortable.

Thank you.

Help yourself to Fig Newtons and milk
and laugh about what just happened. Okay.

And my brother said there's a foldout...

of Kathy Ireland in a white bikini...

- looking "cold," if you know what I mean.
- I don't.

Me neither.
But we'll find out on Saturday.

I have real bad news.
I can't come to the party.

Aw, yeah!

- Dude!
- Nice!

Do you know what might be cool...

is if we do the party at my house.

- Your house?
- No.

My magazine, my party.

The official drink of Slimer!

I was losing my audience.
I had to do something quick.

I have a dirty movie.

Eddie's then?

The guys were coming over
for a dirty movie-

a dirty movie I didn't have.

To make some
friends, I had to break some rules...

and your boy was willing
to do whatever it took.

Why are you wearing Grandma's coat?

Because I'm gonna steal a dirty movie.

- You don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do. The guys are coming over tonight.

- I'll tell Mom.
- I'll draw butts on your homework.

- You win.
- I know.

So that's where
I'm gonna steal our dirty movie.

Love isn't dirty. It's beautiful.

Shut up. Now let's do this.

You guys cause a distraction.

- One, two, three...
- Raisins! Raisins!

- They used to be grapes! Raisins! Raisins!
- Four, five, six...

They used to be grapes!
Raisins! Raisins!

Where are the cartoons?
That's what I'm looking for, 'cause I'm a kid!

I knew it!

I knew you didn't have a dirty movie...

and that you'd come here to steal one.

But you totally failed.

- Are you gonna tell everybody?
- Are you kidding?

It'll be much more fun
to watch you crash and burn tonight.

Let's go, raisin thrower.
You're outta here.

Don't tell Mom! She relies on me!

Thirty, 31, 32, 33...

Yep. Thank you.

Okay, we apologize if some of you
felt sexually harassed...

by our last sexual harassment training...

Who felt harassed?
Was it you?

I... I... Uh, no.

Okay, stop. Stop.

Now, thanks to my wife...

who opened up this can of worms
for no reason...

I've hired a professional
to lead the seminar.

So, everybody, let's give a warm
Cattleman's welcome to Dusty Nugget!

All right!

All right, thank you.

So, a little bit about me.

I was a repeat sexual harassment offender
who, thanks to a complicated plea deal...

is now working for the good guys.

That's right, they Hannibal Lectered me.

Don't be alarmed.
I got booked on showing, not touching.

So... let's start with the basics.

Is sexual harassment good...

or bad?

Bad?

That's great.

Oh, great job.

- Great, great job.
- Uh-huh.

Now I'm gonna give you a little kiss.

And freeze.

What am I doing wrong?

Oh!

- What?
- Sorry.

I'm your neighbor, Eddie.

Yeah. I see you staring at me always.

Cool, cool. So I know it's weird...

but can I take a video
of you doing anything?

Like homework or washing
that car over there?

No.

Hey, Mom, ask me if I'll eat my carrots.

- I can't believe we're paying for all this stuff.
- No.

Because of you.

"No one is fond of fondling."

You know why it's so expensive?

Hidden fees. I saw a Nightly News once
where they talked about...

No more Nightly News!

These are the snacks
you got me for my sleepover?

Squiddies? What are Squiddies?

They were on sale,
and there's a funny octopus on the bag.

Who's squirting ink on a dog!

These are for dogs!

Dad, help me out.

Eddie, you'll be fine.
Just play with the Legos I bought you.

Legos?

Oh, welcome to our home!

Come in! Eddie is so excited.

- He's had such a hard time making any friends.
- Okay, Mom. Thanks.

There's pork bone stew on the stove.

It's good for your hearing.

- Mom.
- Bye, Mrs. Huang.

Thank you.

Where's the dirty movie?

Yeah, Eddie.

Where's the dirty movie?

Okay, guys, here's the thing...

Is this it?

I don't know what "harassment" means...

but it's got the word "ass" in it.

You two play in here, okay?

Give Eddie some time with his friends.

Grandma, what's your favorite color?

Prepare to sploosh.

We'll see.

The workplace is filled
with inappropriate characters.

Let's meet some of them.

Here we have "The Persistent Romeo."

If you select me on Friday night...

I'll select you for the promotion.

How about Saturday?

Sunday?

Monday?

Then there's "The Crooner."

Mmm, mmm-mmm, mmm.

And watch out for "Tempting Tanya."

She'll use her sexuality to ensnare you.

Great job in the meeting today.

This is amazing.

I can't believe
I'm actually watching a dirty movie.

Obviously
none of us knew what a dirty movie was.

You butthole.
I can't believe you actually did it.

Yo, I always do it.

Next up-sensitivity
regarding holiday party planning.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

My sleepover was a big hit,
thanks to Dad's sexual harassment video.

I couldn't wait to brag
about it with my boys.

How about the part where
"One for the Road" Randy...

is like, "Come on, Jen from Accounting.

Let's have one for the road."

Oh, yeah.

What a sleepover, huh?

Maybe I'll do it again next weekend.

We don't need to go back to your place.
We have our own copies.

- How did you get those?
- From me.

- You ganked my party, so I ganked your video.
- You stole my tape?

I had a kid in the media room
make copies.

They all have the tape,
so... they don't need you.

How do you sleep at night?

With two night-lights.
I got a big room.

Louis, we need to install floodlights
in the parking lot.

Why?

Because bad guys steal babies...

from the backseats of cars.

It's a baby-selling scheme.

I saw it on 60 Minutes.
No Nightly News last night.

They aired a repeat of Family Matters.

I know. I saw it.
Urkel was hilarious.

You need to stop being so paranoid.

We don't know these people down here.
We don't know what they're capable of.

And freeze.

This is currently not sexual harassment...

but if, in the process
of making up, things got physical, well...

that is a workplace no-no.

What are you still doing here?

The state requires me
to be here for one week...

before I can give you
your completion certificate.

Uh... I'll recommend you
to everyone I know.

It wasn't long before that video
spread all over the joint.

It was like the 1995 version
of going viral...

and it started a sexual harassment
revolution at my school.

If you select me as your boyfriend, uh...

I'll select you for the promotion.

Nice kick in kickball today.

Well, aren't you a "Tempting Tanya"?

Hey, girl. How about
we have one for the road?

What road?

Uh...

Ish got out of hand fast.

I'm confused why we're here.

We traced this video back to your son.

It's caused an epidemic.

It's just a sexual harassment
training video from my restaurant.

Oh, I've watched the video.

I know it's completely innocent.

I'm confused why we're here.

If the boys think this is a dirty movie,
they obviously don't know what sex is.

We're planning a Sex Ed assembly.

But in the meantime, we're encouraging
parents to have the talk with their sons.

"The talk"? He's still just a kid.

Here. We're giving
all the parents a copy...

of the district-approved textbook.

"Flowers & Watering Cans"?

It's quite lovely.
My wife did all the illustrations.

Oh, is that what your wife does
with her free time?

My wife worries
about sexual harassment...

razor blades in apples,
baby thieves...

my favorite blue sweater
getting me mistaken for a gang member...

It's a nice sweater...

for a Crip to get shot in.

I'm going to Applebee's after this.
Do you think I'll be okay?

No, I don't.

You're bluffing. You don't have it.

I'm all in.

She had it, Evan.

Guess he's not a kid anymore.

I can't believe it's time
to give him the talk.

I know.

Well, I will let you know how it goes.

Aw, hell, no.

You created this whole situation.

I'll handle this now...

father to son.

"Flowers & Watering Cans."

I can't believe this is how
they teach kids about sex here.

Dad, can you please
just ground me or something?

Eddie, half the reason
I come to this country...

is so you could have lots of sex.

What I mean is,
Taiwan was so conservative.

You couldn't really have sex
before you were married.

You didn't know if you and your wife
were compatible that way.

It was dumb luck
that your mom and I were.

Yo!

Sorry. Look.

I don't want you to go out
and have sex tomorrow, okay?

But this?

This is just gonna confuse you.

I will tell you the truth
if you wanna hear it.

Yeah? Okay.

Hmm. Okay, where to start?

This will sound crazy,
but it's way better than video games.

You know how sneezes
feel really satisfying in a weird way?

Stay away from Arkansas.
They outlawed all the fun stuff.

Spring break. My God.

I am so excited for you.
I might come with.

That's a great question.

I say maybe you burn
about 200 calories.

If you pretend like you have a bad back,
you don't have to do so much work.

Three words... old National Geographic.

I like having the lights out
so I can pretend like we're in a castle.

These are not the type of crabs
Maryland is known for.

And most importantly...

like we always say during the SNL
monologue when a musician hosts...

wrap it up.

- How'd it go?
- Good.

I went over the whole book.

Did you tell him not to date rape?

What?

I felt good after that talk with my dad.

The other guys at school got a bunch of
garbage about watering cans and flowers.

"Mmm, let's kiss." "Okay."

But my dad gave me the real,
and I was mad appreciative for that.

I said to myself, when I became a dad,
I'd treat my son with the same resp-

Like that?

- What are you doing?
- You like that? No?

Well, girls don't either!
No means no!

Respect girls! Nightly News!

Okay, okay, I won't! God! Ow!

Okay, I may have overreacted.

Ya think?

Obviously, I have
too much time on my hands.

I'm in the house all day,
and it's making me stir-crazy.

I think I need to get a job.

Here are the classifieds.
I circled you several options.

And?

Do you have anything else
you wanna say to me?

Yes. Go get ready for bed.

And that you're...

His mother, and that
he still has a bedtime.

But you came at Eddie
with a stuffed animal...

and now you're... s...

Sewing it up.

Oh, come on.

I don't have to say "I'm sorry" to him, Louis.
I gave birth to him.

Life is worth a thousand "I am sorrys."

Thanks, Mommy.
It looks as good as new.

This belongs to Grandma now.

She won it fair and square.

Oh, that's poker, baby.

That's poker.

No. No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no...

Okay, students, a state-licensed spokesman
is here to tell us about our bodies.

One of our parents, Louis Huang,
highly recommended him...

Dusty Nuggét!

Okay! It's Dusty Nugget. Just "Nugget."

Okay, kids!

What do you say we keep
that applause going...

for a special friend of mine I brought
along to help us out, huh?

Let's hear it for him!

Yay! Thanks, Dusty Nugget.

Wow.

What a cool guy, huh, kids?

Hi! I'm Healthy Hamilton.

And what do you say we just
start with some questions, huh?

Do you have a penis?

Kevin!

No, it's okay.

I prefer to think of it as a watering can.

So... you guys wanna hear the real?

Sleepover, my house, Saturday night.

I'll tell you about spring break,
black spring break...

No!

Uh, we're gonna have a sleepover...

at my house Saturday night.

I just got... a bird that can talk.

So... Eddie's house then?

Yep, they chose me, Brock.

Talk to your bird about that.

I think that's a good idea.

Hmm.

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