Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Success Perm - full transcript

It had been a few months since
we moved from DC to Orlando...

and we were all looking forward
to my mom's family coming to visit.

- This is a nightmare.
- Well, not all of us.

You know your brother-in-law's only coming to
gloat about our restaurant not being successful.

Louis, they're family.

They're coming to gloat about
all of our misfortunes...

the restaurant, Eddie.

Getting away from Steve
and his stupid store was supposed to be...

one of the perks of moving here.

Okay, we got the L-shaped sectional...

the entertainment center,
the deluxe love seat...



Is this man bothering you?
Say the word, and I'll call the police.

That's funny.

Uh, Mr. And Mrs. Oberg,
this is my boss-in-law, Steve.

I was just about to finalize...

Getting us all some Twizzlers.

There were no Twizzlers.

- We have Twizzlers?
- What? No.

I thought there were Twizzlers.

At least with your whole family coming...

Steve can't drive his stupid used Miata.

- Steve says his Miata is new.
- It's not new! It's used!

I'm sorry. It's just I...

No, it's okay. You're right.

My sister can't wait to see us
struggling in this swampland.



- How do you know?
- She called me yesterday and she told me.

I can't wait to see your new home.

It's a little cozy...

but there's always room
for my dear sister.

The whole family's so proud of you.

She's just bitter because
I have always been Mom's favorite.

That's why she's coming.
She wants Mom to see us struggling.

But they will be in for a surprise...

when they see how well we are doing.

But we're not.

Yes, but they don't know that.

I've never loved you more.

- Gross!
- Ew!

I think it's great that you guys still
have passion in your marriage.

My relatives were on their way...

but the way my parents were acting...

you would have thought
Mariah Carey was coming to visit.

I mean a hot, pre-Nick Cannon...

in the "Washington Wizards dress"
Mariah Carey.

They were putting up fake lemon trees
all over the house...

fancying up the bathroom.

Basically doing anything
they could to look like ballers.

The record should reflect now...

that the defendant
is present with counsel.

You may be seated, if you wish.

Even though my parents were tripping...

I was psyched because
my favorite cousin, Justin, was coming.

Justin was only six months
older than me...

but he was the one
who changed my life forever.

Yo. Check this out.

You are now about to witness...

the strength of street knowledge.

From that moment on, I was A. W. O...

Asian With Obsession.

I couldn't wait to show Justin
how deep my hip-hop knowledge had gotten.

Everything had to be perfect for
when I busted out the new 2Pac.

What's a two-pack?

It's not for you.

Your baby ears aren't ready.

Remember the time a ladybug
crawled in my ear?

Evan, Emery.
Grandma Chu will be staying in your room.

- Grandma party!
- Yay!

You won't be sleeping there.

Aw.

I have made other arrangements.

Why can't we sleep on the couch?

Because then your aunt
and uncle will know...

we don't have enough bedrooms.

And they must never know that.

Okay, I just talked to Mitch...

and we have a great promotion
set for Saturday.

All the boomin' onions
you can eat for 99 cents.

Cattleman's will be packed
when we take your family there.

Won't you lose money?

Well, sometimes you have to
spend money you don't have...

to make it seem like you
have money that you don't spend.

- Mm!
- Okay, house is ready.

Now it's our turn. We need a new look.

We need a look that
instantly says... success.

Let me explain.

In addition to fake lemon trees...

another thing Chinese people
did to show prosperity was get a perm.

I don't know why, but to my people,
curls were like dollar signs.

These success perms were a great idea.

I feel like a curly-headed lion
surveying my kingdom.

They're coming! They're coming!

We're ready.

Oh!

Connie!

- Oh, your boobs are so big!
- I know. They're new.

I had to give up jogging.

Oh, I can tell.

Oh! They are big.

Nirvana?

Justin, yo, why you dressed like that?

It's grunge. It reflects
what I feel on the inside.

Your shirt looks like a picnic blanket.

Thank you.

Where's Steve?

He drove separately.

He drove separately for 13 hours...

- Mm.
- Just so he could bring that stupid car.

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- He got a success perm too.
- I see that.

I can see that.

Did somebody order Chinese?

Ooh! Fancy place.

Have I got the "Huang" house?

- That's a
great joke, Steve. - Oh, hi!

Funny every time you tell it.

- Sweet ride, Uncle Steve.
- Hey, thanks, Emery.

If you work hard
and you're smart like me...

someday you can have a brand-new Miata.

Or used, because it's used.

Yo. You want to help me with this?

I have my own baggage.

Emotional.

So the furniture store is doing really well,
and I thought, why not?

You only live once, right?

And now you are equipped with airbags.

So, how was the trip down?

I know Mom can be
so critical of your driving.

- Oh, she was complaining the whole time...
- Mmm.

Ah! Ah-ma!

About you.

- What? - She's been feeling a
little abandoned, you know?

Because you abandoned her.

Connie!

Looks like you're
not her favorite anymore.

Guess who is.

Are you thinking?
Are you thinking about who is?

- Connie!
- Coming, Ah-ma.

And that's my Lazy Susan,
because, you know, sometimes we get lazy.

Oh, that's my, uh, pager.

We're opening a second store.
Business, right?

Tell me about it.

My restaurant is so successful,
I had to put in a dedicated fax line.

It seems kind of quiet now, Louis.

It's in recharge mode. Tired.

All right, Dad. It's all set up.

I brought along my Internet computer.

I need to check on my store's Web page.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Yeah, go, go.

- Go to the bathroom. We got
plenty of time. - Okay.

All right, Deputy Jex,
would you just take a step back, please?

This is people's 164-A?
Is that the right-hand glove?

Seems to be having a problem
putting the glove on his hand.

The real Juice is loose.

Mom, would you like some tea?
You must be so tired.

I have green tea, oolong...

chrysanthemum, Sleepytime!

Something was up
with my cousin, but whatever it was...

I knew what would snap him out of it.

I was thinking we should start
with the old stuff and work forward.

Are you guys having a rap party?

I'm M.C. Hammer!

Get out!

Come on. Let's go.

Sorry about that. Kids.

I'm thinking of moving to Seattle.

Or we could just start with this.

Oh, uh, I'm not into 2Pac anymore.
He's just a little immature.

You want to listen
to some real grown-up music?

This woman's terrible.

Mom won't even talk to me.

Aw. That's too bad.

Thanks for letting me and Steve
stay in your bedroom.

It's cute. Like a little mouse shoe.

You are loving this, aren't you?

Not at all, but if you want...

I can put in a good word for you
with Mom during our evening chat.

We put on our slippers
and talk about the family.

- We call it "slipper talk."
- Okay, fine.

You may be Mom's new favorite...

but I'm going to win her back
by using what's most important to her.

- Wheel of Fortune?
- A good bargain.

You may be living your fancy lifestyle
with your ta-tas and your Miatas...

but what Mom cares about most
is stretching a dollar.

Oh, little sister.

Just because Steve and I are cushy
doesn't mean I can't sniff out a good deal.

Designer luggage... 75% off.

When I told Mom, she almost smiled.

Well, wait till I show her
these silk throw pillows.

Ninety percent off
from a condemned hospital.

Why don't we go shopping,
see who can find a better deal?

Well, let's take this to the Hole.

Tammy's Fashion Hole, where they have
an unprecedented selection of only left shoes.

What a coincidence.
That's my preferred discount shoe.

Connie!

Coming, Ah-ma!

Connie and my mom have "slipper talk."

- Steve has a fancy noise box.
- Yeah, it's called Connie.

We need to step up our game.

Don't worry, baby. We got this.

So, while this is happening,
I have a chance...

to say how excited I am to show you
Cattleman's Ranch tomorrow.

It's gonna be a full house.

Why wait to see this restaurant
I've heard so much about?

I made a reservation for tonight.

Oh, well, I don't think the restaurant
can accommodate on such short notice.

Oh, no, not a problem.
The manager was really nice.

He said there were plenty of tables.

Oh.

Oh.

Howdy. Cattleman's Ranch.

Mitch, how many tables
are booked for tonight?

Uh, let's see. Oh, just one.
Oh, but it's a big party of 10.

Okay, well, there's a change of plans.

Me and my family are coming in tonight.

I need you to fill up the restaurant...

any way you can.

I got that big party of 10 coming in.

No, we're the big party of 10!

- You and me?
- Me and my family are the big party of 10!

Let's go. Everybody in.
Dinner's on Uncle Louis tonight.

Do you like my outfit, Mom?
I got a great deal.

Half off on all sport separates.

Mom, you like my jacket?

It was 60% off,
and it glows in the dark...

so I save money on electricity too.

Oh, hey, boss man.

I see you've dropped by for a little
impromptu dinner with the kinfolk.

What's going on?
I told you to pack the place.

Yeah, but I did the best I could.
You gave me very little time.

Look, those are my ex-roommates,
Gwendolyn and Fritz.

They just came from the Renaissance Faire.

Hector and Nancy,
they're posing as customers.

And Charlene is the date
that I'm currently on.

This isn't enough people!

Don't worry about it.
We got that party of 10 coming in.

Hey.

Light crowd tonight, huh, Louis?

Well, this is just the awkward time
between old people dinner...

and regular dinner, so...

To the king!

Are you wearing a whole new outfit?

I bought so many affordable items today,
I couldn't pick just one.

Mom, this ski suit was 80% off,
and it came with one pole.

Tennis, Mother?
Eighty-five percent off.

Advantage, Connie.

So is, uh, anyone gonna take our order?

Uh...

Welcome to Cattleman's Ranch.
Can I start you off with some drinks?

Aren't you a customer?

So, tell me about you.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Uh, not anymore. I mean, it's not exactly
something you talk about on a first date...

but for some reason,
I feel like I can really open up to you.

Oh, hold on one second.

Howdy. Cattleman's Ranch.

Yes, we do do to-go orders.

What's the name?

Okay, Orenthal... J... Sampson.

Okay.

This roll is stupid.

Dude, why are you such a bummer?

What can I say? I grew up.

No, you're played out,
listening to that sad, white-lady music.

Whatever. You're not old enough to
appreciate the emotion of grunge.

You still got baby ears.

Excuse me!
Do you accept grain as payment?

Look, Mom. Someone die in this.

You know, I could have sworn
you were a customer.

Uh, well, you know, what we like to do...

is let the finicky diners do the...

Uh, Jessica, help me out here.

Oh, yes, well, uh...
Sorry, I wasn't listening.

- What are we doing?
- I have no idea.

Am I a waitress again, or am I still
pretending to be a customer, or am I...

Whoops.

I think we all agree that it's amazing
that I've lasted this long, right?

Okay, fine.

The truth is, Cattleman's
has got off to a shaky start.

I knew it! Your fax machine
wasn't tired, it was bored.

Hey, Connie, you missed it.

They finally admitted they're failing.

- Oh, I heard.
- That's my tiger shirt!

- You stole it from my bag!
- No, I found it.

One hundred percent off.

Thanks, Mom.

I don't know if this is a good time
to tell you this or not...

but I think that table of 10
is a no-show, so...

Last night was a disaster.

I don't want to leave this room.

Now that is a success perm.

I'm so tired.

- Nobody could have slept
worse than we did. - Mmm.

So, is anybody gonna talk
about Aunt Connie's boobs?

- Aaah!
- She heard me!

I was just looking for some sugar.

What are you boys doing in here?

They're there because we don't have
enough bedrooms. Are you happy?

Cattleman's Ranch is not doing well...

our house is small,
and you're Mom's favorite.

You win.

Jessica. I know how you feel.

But you'll get used to being
Mom's least favorite daughter. I did.

It was not so bad for you.

The only pictures she had in her wallet
were of you and Kurt Russell.

You saw inside her wallet?
I didn't think it opened.

I have to say, I never knew
being the favorite was so hard.

It takes a lot of patience.

I know.
When you watch Wheel, does she still...

yell at the TV screen
when someone buys a vowel?

"Vowels are a waste of money!"

- Josephine's missing!
- Who?

My Miata! Someone snatched Josie!

Why aren't you freaking out?

Aaah!

Yeah, Officer, you need to have
all units looking for my car.

It's a brand-new 1995 Miata.

Sir, you said the color of your car
is British racing green?

- Yes.
- They discontinued...

British racing green in the '95 model.

The last year the BRG
was available was in the '93.

It's used! I knew it!

Guess that alarm was fake too.
Whoop-whoop, my ass!

No, no, no. I-I-I got a special edition...

Sir, I've got two passions in life.
Law enforcement and Japanese sports coupes.

That's right. I, too, am a proud gay man
and Miata enthusiast.

Oh, here we go.

Says a repo order
was issued for that car.

Apparently the owner
is way behind in payments.

Steve?

Okay, so I took out a few loans
to pay back some other loans.

We're in debt, and you didn't tell me?

- I thought we were cushy.
- We are cushy!

We're just a little low on cashola!

Are we poor?
Are they gonna take away my stuff?

I like my stuff!

Yo.

Well, probably should have
hung up already, but I didn't.

So I heard all that.

I'll mail you some literature about
the Miata Queens of Orlando.

We meet every other month, but whatever.

You'll read about it.

- What's going on?
- These two were fast asleep...

in the backseat of a Miata I repo'd.

It was more comfortable than the pantry.

Uh, of course!

My boys I was so worried about
and knew were gone!

Thank you for not repo'ing my children.

- No problem. Comes with the job.
- Mm-hmm.

- As well as dibs on anything
we find in the cars. - Hmm.

Hello, Juice.

You know, for the record,
that dealer told me that Miata was new.

Well, people lie.
Sometimes even to themselves.

Hey, don't worry, okay?
I won't tell the family about any of this.

I know business has its ups and downs.

- You'll get back on your feet.
- I appreciate it, Louis.

You know, I got to say...

it'd be a lot easier
if I still had my best salesman.

Hey, if you ever need any advice,
just give me a call, okay?

Just not on my dedicated fax line,
'cause that's just for faxes.

There we go.

Sorry I got a little upset before.

Guess I just got caught up in
the emotion of the moment.

Really? 'Cause to me it looked like
you were straight-up crying.

But maybe my baby ears
didn't hear it right.

You guys want to listen to some 2Pac?

- Really? We can listen with you?
- Mm-hmm.

I'll go get some Sunny D and raisins.

I'll get our toothbrushes for after.

Well, I can't wait to get out
of this swampland.

Well, nothing's stopping you.

By the way, your hair looks terrible.

And your boobs are way too big.

Have a safe drive, Mom.

Well, she's coming around.

- Connie!
- Coming, Ah-ma.

We all took
something away from that trip...

except Grandma, who set something loose.

And in the process,
we learned that just like 0.J...

people aren't always what they seem.

I can't believe it. We won.

Yes, we did.
We finally proved Steve's Miata was used.

And we are always honest with each other.

We are the more successful couple.

You realize we're swimming in debt too.

Yes, but we're swimming together.

- Aw, man! Come on!
- Ew!

That one was gross.

I think that's a good idea.

Hmm.

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