Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - So Chineez - full transcript

Jessica is worried that their family is not Chinese enough.

It had been
a minute since my family left DC...

and we were all definitely
settling into Orlando.

I became my school's
first black president.

Dad put the restaurant on the map.

I got this idea from watching a baby.

Eat up, my babies!

- My brothers were still nerds.
- Shifting to hyper speed.

We're on our way, Santa! Ohh!

Grandma was busy doing her thing.

But no one was fitting in
better than Moms.

She was down with Melrose Place.

So Brooke wrote a letter
to Allison in Billy's voice...

all while Paul is getting a divorce
and asking Matt to help him move out.

My, you have come a long way
since calling it "The Melrose Street."

That is still a better name.

Her real-estate game was on point.

She was assimilating like a fiend.

So when she got invited to join the North
Orlando Country Club, she was like-

Oh, hell, yeah!

For her, this was the ultimate symbol of
success. There was just one problem.

No. Too expensive.

But the restaurant
is doing so well now.

Hey, if I'm not worried about money,
you shouldn't be either.

Their tennis court has a ball boy.

I like playing on the municipal court.

It's just as nice.

Okay, my serve.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Just give the dog your tennis ball!

It's brand-new!
What am I made of, tennis balls?

My school did
this thing called World Cultures Day.

All the parents were invited,
and every kid got a country to represent.

- What country did you get, Eddie?
- Iceland.

Dave, I may need
to borrow your Björk CD.

- How do you know I have that?
- Your taste in music sucks.

So, what countries did you guys get?

We all traded for the Caribbean islands.

It's an easy "A."
It's just sand, sun and reggae, mon.

Walter, can you believe
what he's saying about your people?

My people are from Colorado.

The islands are more than just beaches.
They're part of black history.

I know. I've listened
to "Buffalo Soldier."

Yeah, but have you heard it?

Y'all need me in the Caribbean section.

- What country's left?
- Jamaica.

But Brian Dunlop has it,
and he's never gonna trade.

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Brother's gonna work it out.

Hey. You like Boy Meets World?

- Love it.
- If you trade me Jamaica...

I'll hook you up with
Topanga's phone number.

Please. There's no way
you have her number.

Then how would I know
the first number's 4?

This is Topanga.

Yes. Yes.




I know why Jessica asked you here.

Oh, we just wanted...

to check out your restaurant.

Oh, are you two members
of the North Orlando Country Club?

Not smooth, Jessica. Not smooth.

Come on, Louis, you've got to join.

This club is classy as hell.

It's just not a good time
for us financially.

I'm considering opening up
a second location of the restaurant.

I have pals at the club
that can help you with that.

Ted handles small-business loans.

And Bert?
He's a commercial contractor.

Oh, such powerful first names, Louis.

Business happens at the club every day.

It's nothing but fresh white
towels and handshake deals.

Fine. I'll go on a tour.

- Oh!
- Good man.

Oh, and, hey, we can be your
first Asian-American members.

Oh, I didn't even think of that.

You know, sometimes I forget
you guys are Chinese.

What do you mean?

Oh, you know.

You guys are just like
regular old Americans to us.


Ooh! How are the crunch bites?

Mm. Neither crunchy or bite-sized.

The name is quite misleading.
They're wet and huge.

Mom! I requested a pop quiz,
and I got an A-plus on it.

I made a drawing
of our family riding a horse.

Good job, boys.

Why won't she put our stuff
up on the fridge anymore?

"Good job, boys"?
What does that even mean?

I remember when all it took to get up there
was a drawing of a hand turkey.

You know what happened, right?

We've been too awesome for too long.

She's gotten used to greatness.

That just means
I gotta step up my game.

You? I'm gonna get something
on that fridge before you.


Hear that?
Oh, it's just me... coming for you.

Uh, hey, Marvin's taking me
on a tour of the club tomorrow.

Have you seen my good tennis shorts?
The one with the turtle on it?

- Are we Chinese enough?
- Yes... What?

Marvin says sometimes
he forgets we're Chinese.

Maybe he's forgetting
because we're forgetting.

I mean, when did we start
wearing shoes in the house?

Shoes in the house from now on!

My feet are crazy wide.
They're like suction cups in those boots.

Wearing shoes in the house isn't
the only thing that's different about us.

Look, all Marvin meant
was he sees us as Americans first.

- Isn't that what we want?
- What I don't want...

is for the boys to forget
where they came from.

Look, Jessica, we're doing fine.
We're so Chinese.

- I guess I'm overthinking it.
- Yes. Don't worry.

Hey, Mom, I need help
with my Mandarin.

I'm trying to talk with Grandma.

Oh. Oh, that's very good.
Oh, my sweet boy.

How do you say,
"Can you say that in English, Grandma?"

Big ups, y'all!

Mom, I'm Jamaican.

Ja-makin' me dinner, Mom?

Mom, ja-making me dinner?

- What?
- What's for dinner, Mom?

Macaroni and... cheese.

With bacon bits!

Boys! Breakfast!

Why are you dressed like Chun-Li
from Street Fighter?

I'm making some changes around here.

From now on,
no more wearing shoes in the house.

But I need my arch supports.
I got Dad's wide-ass feet.

We are also going to start speaking
more Mandarin at home.

But I only know the bad words.

Which is why I'm enrolling you
in Chinese school...

after your regular school... in Tampa.

But Tampa's, like, two hours away.

It's important
we don't forget our heritage.

We all have to make sacrifices.

I'm even giving up Melrose Place.

Well, I wish I could do all this...

but I got to go work
on my Jamaica project.

And that's another thing.

I want Eddie to be assigned China
for World Cultures Day.

Well, we purposely didn't
give China to Eddie...

because we thought it would be racist.

So you treated him differently
because he's Chinese?

- Switch Eddie to China.
- Absolutely.

- Thank you for the ride, sweetheart.
- Of course, Daddy.

- I'll be by the pool.
- Okay.

No bikinis.

No bikinis!

And this is our tennis court, Louis.

The net is always taut.

We have an endless supply
of tennis balls.

Ha-ha! See?
Who cares where that went?

Come on. Whack a few with me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Give it a shot.

- Uh-huh?
- This is so wasteful.


So, you ready to join?

Uh, the amenities are great...

but it still feels like too much
of a luxury right now.

Hey, you recognize
that fellow over there?

It's the hoagie king!

Yep, he's a member.

And that fella he's talking to?
He owns a wholesale bakery.

Man, if I had a connection like that...

I could get cheaper bread rolls.

Well, think bigger,
my friend. Think bigger.


This jerk here wants to expand
his steakhouse. You interested?

Let's talk business in my cabana.

A cabana?

I like a guy who likes
to get out of the sun.

Yeah, you know it.

I got a 150 out of 100 on my quiz.

That's never happened before.

I made a drawing of you in stipple.

- I don't know what she said, but I
know what she said. -

Mom, why did you get me reassigned?

I had Jamaica.
I was on easy street.

Every-ting gonna be irie.

Jamaica's so much cooler than China.

You know what's cool?
A wall you can see from space... China.

Birthplace of kung fu... China.

Gunpowder, the compass, gambling.

China, China, China!

What is that?

Chicken feet. It's for good fidelity.

I don't want good fidelity.

You know what else is cool?


- I can see its... toenail.
- I don't want to eat this.

Eat your feet!

- No!
- Homework!

No, no!
I gotta do homework! Love you!

Great news! I joined the country club!
We're all members.

No, we're not doing that anymore.
Cancel the membership.

- What?
- We need to reconnect with our culture...

not surround ourselves
with white people doing white things.

You know what's a white thing?
Hanging up a Buddha picture.

Jessica, you got me all excited
about the country club...

and now I wanna do it.

Our parents made sure we knew
where we came from.

We need to do the same thing
for the boys.

Where are the boys anyway?

Amazing. They found a way
to make Tampa worse.

- What is the teacher saying?
- I don't know.

Oh. That sounded like
the word for "the."

This is madness.

You know what'll impress Mom
and get us up on the fridge?

- No. Obviously I don't.
- Me neither.

But whatever it is,
it's gonna happen here.

A-five, six, seven, eight.

Hey, Eddie, looks like
I got Jamaica and Topanga.

You know I just gave you
my home phone number, right?



Shut up. I knew that.

Wonderful job on Russia, Brock.

You haven't seen anything... nyet.

Brock! Again, I urge you to consider
being our Tony in West Side Story.

Okay. And now let's traverse
the Eurasian Steppe to China...

where Eddie Huang has...
What is this?

A bowl, soy sauce
and a Xerox of Ling-Ling the panda.


Eddie, you're lucky
this is just a practice run.

I need to see some effort,
or you're going to get an "F" tomorrow.

I know you're not actually reading.

That's just hurtful is what it is.

This way. This way.

What are we doing here?
I need to go buy a thousand-year-old egg.

Okay, see this empty space?

The potato-bar craze is finally over.

- Did it ever begin?
- Mmm.

Now, imagine this as the future location
of Cattleman's Express.

There's low overhead,
lots of foot traffic.

We'd have positive cash flow
from day one.

Ted can get us a break on rent.

- Ted who?
- No idea.

I met him once at the club,
and look where it led.

See? This is what the country club
gets us... opportunities like this.

All I see is white people, hot dogs
and a Wolfgang Chang's.

That catfish
with the smile of an idiot is our boys.

If we drop the ball,
they'll end up getting their culture...

from fake Chinese restaurants
like this one.

"Eddie, what's Buddhism?"

- "Orange chicken."
- That's going overboard.

No, that's how we end up
with grandkids named Bitsy...

by joining country clubs
to make business deals.

But the country club has complimentary
Ice Blue Aqua Velva aftershave.

Louis, success is important...

but it is meaningless
if we lose ourselves.

Okay, fine.

If you feel that strongly,
I'll put Cattleman's Express on hold...

and cancel our club membership.

It's really a shame...

that Jessica couldn't make it!

Yeah, too bad.

Luckily, this jerk could sub in.

What a jerk!

After this, let's talk
Cattleman's Express.

Sounds like a plan, ass-wipe.

Uh, sorry. Too far? I'm learning.

- Louis.
- Judas Priest!

Why are you home so early?

Uh, nowhere.

Um, I mean, to grout the tub?

I smell Ice Blue Aqua Velva aftershave.

- Like the kind they have at the country club.
- Hmm. That's weird.

If I come over there and smell your face,
will it smell ice blue?


Fine! Yes!
I was at the country club. God!

You said you were gonna
cancel the membership!

I was, but...

Wait. Why are you home?

Thought you were going shopping
for a thousand-year-old egg.

It... hatched.

Oh, it hatched.

- Isn't Melrose Place on right now?
- I don't know.

So if I go over there and put my hand
on the TV, will it be warm?


Okay, fine!
I was watching Melrose Place. God!

I knew it! Melrose frickin' Place!

I like it, okay? I like all of it.

Melrose Place, rollerblading,
mac and cheese.

It's so easy to make.
You just add water.

It's cheese from water.

It's okay for us to like this stuff.

But I hate that I like it, and I hate that
I am too weak to give it up.

I keep telling the boys to hold on to
their identity, but I can't even do it myself.

They have me, Louis.

I'm just a Chipwich-eating
American couch lady.

Jessica, we are not losing our identity.

Mom, I don't care if you get mad at me.

I don't wanna be China.
I wanna be Jamaica.

I see they have him too.

Okay, fine. Be Jamaica.
What's the point?

Yes! Thank Jah.

Look at my painting
of an ancient Chinese village.

I calligraphied the Chinese symbol
for "refrigerator."

It's both art and a label.

Yours is so clever.

Yours is so detailed.

- It's really taking me there.
- Thanks.

You know, if we partner up,
we can both get on the fridge.

That's a great idea.
Let's Turner & Hooch this.

I call Hooch!

- Should we sing "Kokomo" again?
- It was fun once, Dave.

Simmer down, Walter.
We're on island time.

I am so glad
I switched back to Jamaica.

It's just so much cooler than China.

I mean, even Greece
would've been cooler.

Yeah, China just has, like, pandas.

And what's cool about pandas?

They're all like hurgy-gurgy-gurgy-gurgy.

- What do you mean?
- What?

Does China amuse you?

I was just joking around.

Oh, well, I like jokes.

Explain to me what's so funny
so I can laugh too.

I think Trent just meant...

I think Trent can talk for himself.

He said a joke about China,
and I wanna know what he meant by it.

Well, I, um...

Should we get involved?

Stay out of it. Just stay out of it.

White African.

Where is our Chinese Jamaican?


Don't be making fun of China!

I'm Chinese, Trent.

You know what's cool?
A wall you can see from space... China.

We got 5,000 years of history, dog.

What's your chief export,
Barbados? The chronic?

Actually, it's electrical components.

Oh, word. You know who makes them
into stereos? China!

Same with those Air Jordans
you love so much.

"Just do it"?
Just made it. In China.

I didn't think he was listening.

See? I told you.
Our boys are going to be okay.

This wouldn't be happening
if I still had Jamaica.



Hey, Mom.
I got my World Cultures Day report back.

You need to sign it.

You got an "F"?

I spent so much time
schooling Trent on China...

that I never did my Jamaica presentation.

The timing couldn't be better
to show her this.

- I almost feel bad.
- I don't. Let's move.

This belongs up here.

I'm proud of you, Eddie.

Cool. Thanks, Mom.

Come on!

Florida plates. It's official.

Hey, when did that get on there?

I got it from your school.

She's proud of me! You?

Hey, girl. We going to the country club.

Maybe I'll invite you next time.

My dad's on the board.

There's a picture of me
in the entranceway.

They named a side dish after me...
the Ni-coleslaw.

Next time then.

I bet they have white valets.

I hope we get our car
parked by a blond one.

Don't sleep on the redheads.

- One of those would be good too.
- Oh.

And that's how
my family started reppin' Orlando.

My mom had nothing to worry about...

because no matter what, we were never
gonna leave our heritage behind.

I think we forgot Grandma.

I think that's a good idea.


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