Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Dribbling Tiger, Bounce Pass Dragon - full transcript

I'm just afraid that macaroni art...

could be offensive
to our "I-talian" families.

I mean, imagine
how you'd feel, you know...

if I made some sort of
bagel statue, you know?

Oh. Gotta go.

- Principal Thomas?
- Mr. And Mrs. Huang, come in.

- Come in.
- We came as soon as we could.

Whatever Evan and Emery are in trouble for,
Eddie put them up to it.

- Oh, don't worry. Your boys aren't in trouble.
- Oh.

- What a relief!
- Good!

- You are.
- What?



- Why? What did we do?
- It's what you haven't do.

We've been looking through our records...

and we noticed that you haven't volunteered
for any extracurricular activities.

Well, why would we do that?

Mrs. Huang, our school budget
has experienced major cutbacks.

We rely on parents to supervise
our after-school programs.

Well, I'm sorry. We're busy
with our own after-school programs.

They're called jobs.

Uh, what my wife means is she has her real
estate career, and I have my steakhouse.

Look, we can't volunteer.
Is there anything else we can do?

Well, you can donate money.

How do we volunteer?

Boys, we've got great news.

Where'd you get quesadillas?



You told me I couldn't use the oven...

but you never said anything about the iron.

Both of your schools are...

making your father and me...

mandatory volunteer.

I have to be the boss...

of some costume show?

You're directing the school play.

- Oh.
- Oh, yay!

- Me and Evan are in the play!
- You are? Why?

You're not gonna become actors.

You think they're gonna put
two Chinese boys on TV?

Maybe if there's a nerdy friend...

or a magical thing where someone
wanders into a Chinatown, but no.

The play is fun.

Let me tell you a story about fun.

Once, there was a little girl...

and all she wanted was
a Sparkle Time Beauty Horse.

The knock-off version of My Little Pony.

When you hugged them, it burned...

but you played through that pain.

And one in every five had a human face.

Did the little girl ever get one?

No, she got something even better...
a strong work ethic.

She focused on her studies...

and became the first one
in her family to go to college.

Think about that.

What girl was she talking about?

Connie Chung.

Has to be Connie Chung. Who else is there?

Dad, are you volunteering
for the school play too?

Nope, I got a good one.

I'm coaching Eddie's basketball team.

Oh, dope! We've never had a coach.

Trent's been wearing a tie
and putting his hands on his waist a lot...

but nobody's buying it.

You bums!

I mentioned I played
semi-pro basketball...

back in Taiwan,
and they assigned it to me.

What? You played hoops?

You never told me that!

It was years ago. I didn't want to brag.

But, yeah. I played point guard
in the Mystic Tiger League.

That is awesome!

Are you gonna teach us how to
play Taiwanese-style basketball?

Only way I know how.

Whoa.

This... is gonna be...

amazing.

Ah!

- Huh?
- Huh?
- Oh!

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Whoa. That certainly explains
how he caught the apple.

Well, I am so glad
you are helping us out, Jessica.

Yes, because mandatory. Yes.

Oop! Looks like rehearsal has started.

What am I seeing?

It's called "The Sunflower Gang
Goes to Yumland."

The kids love it.

Every character has
the same number of lines...

and all the world's cultures
are equally represented.

We've been performing it
for six years running...

without offending anyone,
and that includes our "I-talian" families.

Whoa!

I'm gonna leave you here
with the other directors.

Other directors?

- Looking good, Maurice.
- Damn you, Tetris.

You have four other parents here.
Why do you need me?

Diversity.

Plus, when you're putting on a show...

you can never have
too many voices chiming in.

The Mystic Tiger League?

Yeah, man. Taiwanese-style ball.
It's gonna be sick.

If you think our team's good now,
wait till my dad shows up.

Wait's over!

Hi, boys.
I'm Coach Huang, your new...

coach.

Dad, teach us how to fly, kick and dunk
at the same time.

We'll get to that.
But for now, everybody grab a partner.

Line up across from each other.

Now, this first drill
is called the B.P. Dragon.

- Awesome.
- Oh, cool.

I want you to bounce the ball
to your partner.

Good.
And they bounce the ball back.

And you keep doing that 200 times.

- Uh...
- What is that?

It's the Bounce Pass Dragon...

faithful guardian of the passing lane.

Mmm.

Dad, can I talk to you?

Uh, sure. Uh, go ahead
and try some passes, boys.

Remember,
thumbs down on the release...

like you're helping
a stubborn goat cross a bridge.

I thought you were gonna teach us
Taiwanese-style ball.

That's what I'm doing.

That was Taiwanese-style basketball?

Absolutely. When you play
that far below the rim...

it's all about fundamentals and teamwork.

I thought you played
in the Mystic Tiger League.

I did. We were sponsored
by Mystic Tiger Cigarettes.

They advertised themselves
as the breakfast cigarette.

Well, we're not trying to learn bounce
passes. We want to look cool.

Eddie, basketball
isn't about looking cool.

It's about being a good teammate.

That'll help you in life as well.

I couldn't run Cattleman's Ranch
without my team.

Trust me. One day
you'll thank me for this.

I told you, Doug, I'm the goggle guy.
You can be the wristband guy.

I don't want to be the wristband guy!
My wrists get hot.

Well, we can't have
two goggle guys on the team.

How will people tell us apart?

- Take 'em off!
- No. No!

Hey, boys, stop!
You're on the same team!

Dad, let me handle this.

Give me the goggles!

Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

All feelings are valid!

The early bird catches the hug.

What a waste of time.

Can you imagine if we told our parents
we want to do something like this?

My mother was supportive
of my creative pursuits.

I actually did the temp track for the voice
of the baby in Look Who's Talking.

Kirstie Alley is crazy.

My husband and I moved to this country
to give our kids a better life...

not this nonsense.

Do you think Tetris knows
when you need an "L"...

and purposely doesn't give it to you?

Woof woof!

Meow!

Aw, hell, no!

All right, boys, I got a surprise for you.

I ordered us new uniforms.

Where's the rest of the shorts?

We don't need all the extra fabric
getting in the way of our footwork.

Come on out, Dave!

Look how free his thighs are.

And white.
Looks like someone bleached a ghost.

Whoa!

I'm sorry, sir.
Parents have to wait in the gym.

That's Dmitri, our star player.

But...

- He's on the team? How old is he?
- Eleven-and-a-half.

What?

- But he's already balding.
- That's where his head hits the rim.

But he wasn't at practice.

Dad, Dmitri doesn't practice.

He just shows up to games
and crushes it.

Eddie, you can't count on one player
to carry a whole team.

If you do, I think you'll find...

Dmitri! Dmitri!

Dmitri! Dmitri!

Dmitri!

You lost the game, huh?

No. We won.

It... was...

awesome.

Dmitri looked right at me, like he almost
thought about passing to me!

Why aren't you happy? You won.

Because it's not about winning.

I'm trying to teach these kids
about teamwork...

but their priorities are all wrong.

Exactly.
They have no work ethic. Not like us.

They think life is all
gumdrops and warm hugs.

And cool goggles
and long, flashy shorts.

That's why I'm rewriting the school play...

to teach the boys something useful.

That's what I'm trying to do with Eddie...
help prepare him for the real world.

But I don't think he gets it.

It's too bad they don't have
caddies in basketball...

'cause I would just love
to carry Dmitri's bag...

and be, like,
"Hey, D., what do you need?

Ball? Towel? Sports drink?"

Is that really what you want to take away
from this? Carrying Dmitri's bag?

It's better than carrying
Grandma's bag like Evan.

Grandma, do you need
anything from in here?

Maybe one of your TVGuides?

Okay, boys, enough goofing off!

Let's run some drills.

Oh, you think drills are lame?

Well, you know who
doesn't think they're lame?

Your NBA hero John Stockton.

He may play for the Jazz,
but there's no improvisation in his game.

I saw it on the SportsCenter show.

It teaches the importance of shari...

Nice shot.

Of course,
that never would've happened...

if I was actually defending Dmitri...

in which case, I would have my arms up,
away from my body.

Eddie, hold my whistle.

Uh...

Pull up a chair, Gumdrop.
You can be our study buddy.

Thanks, but I don't need
to study anymore.

I found a new thing to be
when I grow up.

It's called acting.

"Act-ing"? What's that?

Something that doesn't
require preparation or hard work.

I'm studying to be a doctor
so I can make my parents proud.

And I'm prepping for the bar exam...

so I can become a lawyer and have
a stable income and health insurance.

Well, if you want to do homework...

that's your "pagrogative."

I'm gonna go get some head shots taken.

Mom, why'd you take out the part
where we go to Candy Corn Mountain?

Because we are doing a new play.

It's called Acting. A Cautionary Tale...

or Mr. Gumdrop Goes to Lazywood.

Oh!

You just got posterized, Coach!

No, I was just letting Dmitri show you...

an example of what's wrong
with basketball today.

Yeah, we caught that lesson
five dunks ago.

Dmitri!

Then now you're ready
for your next lesson.

A layup is worth
just as many points as a dunk.

Substance over style.

Dad? I think he's hurt.

Uh, on the bright side,
I peeked at Dmitri's medical records...

and he is, indeed, 11 -and-a-half.

So our best player,
by the fault of no one in particular...

is out for the season.

Dmitri.

But we can still win this game
by playing good team basketball.

You're still coming at us
with that noise?

This isn't Taiwan, Dad.
Nobody plays like that anymore.

I'm gonna tell you guys a story
about a team back in Taipei.

They were a band of ragtag misfits
from all corners of town.

Some of them were too small.
Others too big.

One of them was a girl.

But they worked together...

developed a play
called "The Flying V"...

and became unstoppable!

Isn't that The Mighty Ducks?

Um, I don't know
what you're talking about.

We rented it last weekend.

We were hit with a rewind fee,
and you're like...

"I will not pay a rewind fee
for The Mighty Ducks!"

Mmm, not ringing a bell.

Look, the point is,
you guys are ready for this.

You have all the training you need.

So let's go out there and let's win one
for Charlie Sheen's brother!

- That's halftime!
- Aw, son of a bitch!

Man, you suck!

So... cold.

Someone needs our help.

Just as I thought.
This bum-drop hasn't worked in months.

That's not a bum-drop.

That's Gumdrop,
a classmate from my youth!

I never should've become an actor.

It was a complete waste of time.

Okay, what happened to Yumland?

Why aren't the other children onstage?

I cut them.

If they want to be actors so bad, they
should get used to being unemployed.

The school play's supposed to be fun.

Don't you do anything just for fun?

Yes. I teach my children valuable life lessons
so they can become successful.

Oh. Okay. Okay. I can see why we've
been getting some complaints.

Who complained? Hey!

Unicorn girl with a lisp!
Was it you?

I can't put you up there.
No one understands what you're saying.

I'm "sowwy."

You see what I have to work with?

Speaking from experience,
that was a spanking.

They have their own Dmitri.
He scored all their points.

I can't believe we still
have another half to play.

Guys, good news.

I have a plan. We can quit.

I was talking to the ref,
and there's a mercy rule.

He even drew us a map
to the nearest Shakey's.

Apparently, there's a loser's discount
on Mojo potatoes.

- Thank goodness!
- Yes!

- I call shotgun!
- Eddie, you were right.

Basketball clearly
isn't about team anymore.

It's about who has the biggest star.

Monday, I'm calling your school
and telling them to get you a new coach.

No, Dad. You can't quit.

And neither can we.

We have to beat these jerks.

How? Their Dmitri's stronger than us,
bigger than us.

It's hopeless.

No, it's not.

Like my dad said, when you're playing
this far below the rim...

it's all about teamwork.

I guess what I mean is...
Quack. Quack.

Quack.

Quack.

Quack. Quack! Quack! Quack!

I love all this quacking,
but you know there's no way we can win.

I never said we had to win.

I said we had to beat them.

Foul!

Eddie, catch.

Yes!

- You're outta here!
- With pleasure!

And that's exactly
how it happened, Mom.

We set the record for most fouls.

And we did it as a team.

Thanks to you, Dad, we didn't just
school them, we old-schooled them.

Well, not really.

I don't remember teaching you to nut punch,
but you did work together as a team.

I'm proud of you.

Hey, your dad told me
that you guys are in a play.

That's so exciting.

I'm an actress too.
I shot a home movie in a guy's apartment.

And now you're a waitress?

Slash-actress.

So I don't know if your play
is already cast up, but...

keep me in mind.

That's an old picture.
It's before I grew into my teeth.

- Mom, we don't want to be in
the play anymore. - Really?

It's a waste of time.
We want to focus on our future.

And not end up in the gutter
with a low credit rating like Mr. Gumdrop.

Good. You got the point of the play.

Your backpacks are in the car.

You can go study.

They are so lucky to have us.

Well, we're also lucky to have them.

Their lives are much different
than ours were.

I know. Can you imagine
if we had wasted time like they do?

Well, we never had the chance, Jessica.

But isn't that why we work so hard...

to give them the opportunity
to do things that we couldn't do?

I mean, would it have been
so bad if your parents...

had given you a strong work ethic
and the glitter horse?

I worked so hard.

I did all my schoolwork, all my chores.

I deserved a little horse...

with brittle hair to comb and braid...

and a human face to kiss at night.

I would have named her
Sugar Applebalm...

and built her a stable
out of tissue boxes.

And Janet Yi had three horses...

and she went to Harvard
and became an assistant DA...

and ultimately
she died in a plane crash.

But when she died,
she was flying first class like a boss!

Janet Yi's not dead.

Well, someone is!

Woof, woof!

Meow!

- This play is a mess.
- It's a huge waste of time.

But they're having fun.

Plus, it'll look good
on a college application.

Wow! Two "thooting thtars"!

- What did she say?
- Nobody knows.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't think I should
move in with him, do you?

I have confidence that you'll do...

what is right.

Based on what?

So no Asians on TV, huh?

Look what came in the mail
all the way from Taiwan.

Took a lot of phone calls,
but I tracked one down.

Oh!

Sparkle Time Beauty Horse!

Oh, and it's a face one!

My face burning
is how I know you love me back.

Ow!

I think that's a good idea.

Hmm.

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