Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Hand That Sits the Cradle - full transcript

When Jessica offers to help out exhausted new mother Honey with Zuo Yue Zi - which means "Sitting the Month" taking care of her - Honey begins to realize that 30 days of having to abide by ...

Edwyn Huang, I need the TV, pronto!

Oh, okay. No.

Is that grape jelly?

PB&J burrito. Want a bite?

What about beans, cheese, salsa?

All that stuff's in there, too, bro.

Dear God. You're a monster.

I need the TV.

My ass ain't moving.

Every day after school, I make a
bomb-ass snack and watch MTV.

In other words, wasting time.

Whoa! It's not a waste!

I learned everything I
know from these videos.

I didn't have a handsome,
jacked older brother

to teach me how to be cool.

- I had MTV.
- No, thanks.

My letters of choice...

Ah "P," ah "B," ah "S"...


Can you just stop being
a nerd for one second?

Come on. Dude, this is
both music and a movie.

It's double art.

Hits you in your eyeballs

and your ear... balls.

I prefer imagination...
Theater of the mind.

Fine. Close your eyes, then.


♪ Take that, ha, ha! ♪

♪ Recently... frontin',
ain't sayin' nothin' ♪

♪ So I just speak my piece ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ Keep my peace ♪

♪ Cubans with the Jesus piece ♪

- ♪ Thank you ♪
- ♪ With my peeps ♪

♪ Packin', askin', "Who want it?" ♪

♪ You got it, flaunt it ♪

♪ That Brooklyn..., we on it ♪

♪ Biggie, Biggie, Biggie,
can't you see? ♪

♪ Sometimes your words
just hypnotize me ♪

♪ And I just love your flashy ways ♪

♪ Guess that's why they
broke and you're so paid ♪

♪ Biggie, Biggie, Biggie,
can't you see? ♪

Sorry. Didn't grip my soul.

Nor my toe. Nor my head.

Are we done?

Nobody in this house gets me.

Needs more tuna.

Come on. I really need the TV.

- Sicily is on her way over.
- Ooh.

Young lova's got a girlfriend.

Please don't talk in that voice.

Need some tips from your big bro?

Lova' tips for your girlfriend?

You're the last person
I'd go to for advice.

You're so annoying.

Native to south central Arizona...


Put on the most boring thing
so she'll want to smooch ya.

Zack is coming over, too!

Wait. So no making out?

Th gonna watch bird TV?

Yes. We're birders. We bird.

Dude, you're going to high school soon.

- This bird crap...
- Isn't gonna fly.

Is gonna get you killed.

Ed, in few days, a rare migration

of the red-legged snail kites
is flying through town,

and if we're not prepped for the chase,

I'd prefer death.

Every time I think you've
reached peak nerd,

you go and find another
nerd mountain to climb.

Well, lucky for both of us

you're leaving soon on your
cultural exchange trip.

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't go.

I'm afraid what might happen
to you if I'm not here.

I might come back to some
weird... half-man/half-book.

My necktie could be my bookmark.

I could cite myself as a source!

- No, I didn't mean it as a good...
- Oh, my God.

I could finally spend the
night at the library!


Ma, what are you wearing?

A serape.


Pure alpaca.

- Alpaca?
- Internet boyfriend?

Osvaldo, an alpaca farmer in Chile.

We e-mailed.

He needed money to build a new fence.

Ma, you're not sending
him money, are you?

You can't put a price on this feeling.

I feel so alive!

Oh, Osvaldo...

It's not funny. She's
clearly getting scammed.

I'm not surprised.

She's gullible! The whole
side of your family is.

The Huangs are not gullible.

What about when your
brother tried to buy

those "special" beans?

Or when you thought you
could sit "reverse potty"?

Or when you thought that rock
made your armpits smell good?

The natural deodorant
crystal I'm still using?

Gullible. I was afraid the
boys would inherit it.

Being gullible is not genetic.

Yes, it is.

If your ring finger is the same length

as your middle finger, it
means you're gullible.

Is that true?

Oh, ha ha. Nice try.

The point is, my mom's being taken,

and I've got to shut it down.

Brutal honesty... That's the best way.

Just tell her.

You saw Ma. She was so happy.

She'd be crushed if she
knew it was all fake.

People who fall for scams
deserve to feel humiliated.

That's how they learn.

If you don't tell her, I will.

Oh. I need some more crystal.

Oh, hey.

You want my banana costume?

It'd be a shame to just let
it sit here for a month.

And neglect my own fruit costumes?

Can you take my friends
and me to the mall?

Look who suddenly wants to hang out

with their annoying older brother.

Just get to it.

What do I have to do... Drink sour milk,

eat a toenail, lick your booger wall?

Nah. I'll take you. I want
to shop for a subwoofer.

Plus, I can teach you the
cool way to mall-hang.

First, we enter through the
back-alley service entrance,

pop some Bubble Tape, read
some boobie graffiti...

We just need to pick up
some bird gear and clothes

for the big day.

Like... a cool pair of jeans?

Like some sun hats, sketch pads,

and a few waist satchels
to carry our lip balm.

Now, please don't embarrass me.

You're going to the mall to
buy fanny packs for birding,

and you're worried about me?

Just please...

Don't lock the windows,
fart, and crank the heat.

How dare you.

I would never crank the heat.

AC preserves the fart.

♪ Roll, roll, roll your paint ♪

♪ Gently down the wall ♪

♪ Carefully, carefully, carefully ♪

♪ Don't drip it in the hall ♪

You're painting now?

I've been asking you
to do that for years.

Boy, you were right. It needed it.

Sucker's really drinking it
up. May need four coats.

Why'd you paint "gullible"
on the ceiling?


- I did not look. I'm not gullible.
- Yes, you are!

But I'm not, and I'm not
falling for this charade.

You're delaying breaking
the news to your mom.

Where are you going with your bank pig?

I'm giving my money to Grandma
so she can help out her friend.

Emery, you can't do that. Listen...

You know how I've been
searching for my thing...

Volleyball, line dancing,
flight attendant?

Well, this is it... Helping people.

Philanthropy is my passion.


We can't tell Grandma.

Oh, I thought "brutal
honesty" was the best policy.

Well, that was when it was
about fake Latin lovers.

This is about our son's
personal fulfillment.

I am just glad you're on board.

Now, let's ruin this scam artist.

After you tape off the moldings.

Just because you're fake-painting

doesn't mean you can do a sloppy job.

Okay, guys, favorite plover.

Favorite plover?

I need a break from this nerd talk.

You guys ever heard of...

"Enter the Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers"?

Or was that before you were born?

Oh, no. Here he goes.

I remember the first time I heard it.

I was 9. It was Christmas morning.

- Santa brought it?
- Please!

Wu-Tang would melt Santa's face.

I caught "Protect Ya Neck" on MTV.

That music video changed my life.

It's not music. It's just talking.

Method Man, ODB, RZA,
Ghostface, Raekwon,

spitting about Shaolin,
killer bees... chess!

How did you learn all this?

Oh, from sup-dawg.

What's sup-dawg?

I don't know. What's up with you, dawg?

Here we go.

Wu-Tang is for the children.

♪ Hey, you, get off my cloud ♪

♪ You don't know me, and
you don't know my style ♪

♪ Who be gettin' flam when
they come to a jam? ♪

♪ Here I am, here I am ♪

♪ The Method Man ♪

And then we head over to the
food court for some free samples

and hover over the hot dog
stand like a ghetto bird.

A helicopter.

Okay. We'll navigate the mall

like civilized consumers, thank you.

Suit yourself. Peace out, homies.

- What's a homie?
- I don't know.

I'm sorry, guys. He can be... a lot.

Well, he seems to know how
to get around the mall.

Never hurts to try a different route.

You're going with Eddie?

Do you know what happens

when a peanut goes down
a different route?

Choke city! Do you want that?!

And boom! We enter like ballers.

You're so lucky to have
an older brother, Evan.

You hear that, Evan?

Well, I know you have some
important shopping to get to.

I'm in the market for a subwoofer.

Really? I've been thinking about
getting a woof-woof myself.

You know what I'm sayin', homie?

Hey, why don't we all go together?

Because Eddie's route goes through

the cover-your-eyes part of the mall...

Victoria's Secret, Spencer's Gifts,

and the rest of the risqué.

Diesel Jeans is over there.

It's not risqué. It's
just Italian men stuff.

More like dungarees for fancy farmers.

- Right, guys?
- I don't know. Seems durable.

Guys, we're here for birding supplies.

Relax, Evan. Your friends
just want to be cool.

I got it!

You and I fly to Chile,

pose as FBI agents,

and threaten Osvaldo with global fraud.

I call it Operation Chile Explosion.

I'm still brainstorming the name.

You need more brain and less storm.

Louis, this isn't some
criminal mastermind in Chile.

This is a fatso in Des Moines,

sitting in front of a computer,
gobbling marshmallows.

Oh, I don't know why we have
to be size-ist about this,

but sure, let's go to Iowa.

Or we just write him an
e-mail and scare him off.

Oh, what, just magically
hack into my mom's account

and get his info?

I already guessed her password.

It's 1-1-1-1.

You're right. She's a genius.

Look, I appreciate you
guys humoring Eddie,

but please don't do it on my behalf.

It only encourages him.

What are you talking about?

- Yeah, he's the best.
- That guy?

♪ Hello? ♪

♪ I wish I was a little bit taller ♪

♪ I wish I was a baller ♪

♪ I wish I had a girl who
looked good, I would call her ♪

♪ I wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat ♪

♪ And a six-four Impala ♪

♪ I wish I was a little bit taller ♪

♪ I wish I was a baller ♪

♪ I wish I had a girl who
looked good, I would call her ♪

♪ I wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat ♪

♪ And a six-four Impala ♪

♪ I wish I had a brand-new car ♪

♪ So far, I got this hatchback ♪

♪ And everywhere I go,
yo, I gets laughed at ♪

Adiós, Osvaldo.

Here's to no more innocent
victims being scammed.

His response was so pathetic...

"Please, no jail.

I'm crying in fear. My
family is innocent."

That was smart threatening
to cut off his hands.

Computer guys and their hands.



Is that... made from alpaca fur?


An Osvaldo special.

He sent it as a thank-you.

I speak Spanish, so I helped
your mom correspond with him.

Boy, did they.

I don't think you want me to write that.

That means you want him to touch your...

Type-y type-y.

- Ew.
- That's my mother.

Osvaldo's no choirboy, either.

Honey, you know this is all
an Internet scam, right?

This sex machine Osvaldo...
He isn't real.

Yeah, he was just stringing my mom along

so she'd send him money.

But he gave it back.

I saw the check. He
sent it with our gifts.

Osvaldo is real?

Z and Sicily, in the place to be.

That was a freestyle.

Evan's just getting ready, but
you're welcome to join me.

Sure. What'cha watchin', E-man?

Uh, this is a commercial for tomatoes.


But "Yo! MTV Raps" is what's on.

Oh. Maybe we can catch Wu-Tang!

Who's all ready to bird?

What are you wearing?

Oh. These?

My birding jeans.

Or my BJs.

I've never seen you wear jeans.

These are carpenter cut.

Got a loop here... For my... hammer.

You don't have a hammer.

If you wanted fashion advice,

should've just come to your big bro.

Well, the saleswoman, Gita,

says these are the style right now.

Little stiff.

Just needs a bit of
breaking in, a wash or two.


Hey, Eddie, you should come with us.

It'll be fun.

We could listen to one of
your mixes on the way there.

I just finished a sick one for Taiwan.

It's gonna blow your minds.

You're coming? Bird watching?

Yeah. Why not? I'm great at I Spy.

I spy...

the top button of your jeans popping.

Don't you have better things to do?

Like sitting, eating, more sitting?

You mean like the things that kings do?

Let's bird.

No sign of a snail kite yet.

No, but I finished

the black-whiskered vireo
I've been watching.

Oh, "bird"? I thought
we were nerd watching.

I've been drawing Zack.

I love it when you bust my yams, E.

Can you guys quiet down
the love-fest over there?

We don't want to scare the
red-legged snail kite.

Did you ever notice that every bird's

just a body part and a color?

"There's a purple-butt flapper."

Um, "The rainbow-nut pheasant."

That's enough!

The red-faced lil' bro.

You know what you call a bird

that hangs out with birds
three years its junior?

A loser!

Oh, you don't like that bird?

Well, I got two more for you right here!


There go all the red-legged snail kites.

I'm a loser?

If you have to ask "Who's the loser?",

it usually means it's you.

Coming from bird boy, that's rich.

You're always trying to give me
"hot tips" on how to be cool.

Well, here's one for you...

Instead of stealing your
little brother's friends,

find some your own age.

Well, I'm sorry for wanting
to hang out with you.

And FYI, those are women's jeans.

No, they're Jordans!


I got it!

So, we may have ruined

my mom's shot at love with her pen pal,

but she's never seen this guy, right?

Not with her eyes.

But the way he describes his
body in these e-mails...

The man can paint a picture.

Okay, hear me out.

We hire someone to act as Osvaldo

and sweetly break up with her.

There's a bagger at the Piggly
Wiggly from El Salvador.

No, we have to tell her the
truth, like I wanted to

- from the beginn...
- Tell who the truth?


I need to talk the talk if
I'm gonna walk the walk.

I don't think this is a good idea.

It's time. Brutal honesty.

- Emery.
- Please don't do this.

You see, we thought

Grandma's friend in South America was...

Was a scam. I know.

I wasn't really gonna give her my money.

Then why did you say you were?

Dad told me to.

Well, what about finding your passion?

That part was true. I did.

But it's not helping people.

It's acting!

You totally believed me.

You turned our son into an actor!

Flight attendant feels like
an attorney compared to this!

I was just trying to protect my mom.

Well, who's gonna protect you?

I can't believe you scammed me!

Well, people who are gullible
enough to fall for scams

deserve what they get.
That's how they learn.

Well, nice scam, Louis.

You didn't even take my money.


Hey, Eddie. Mind if I watch, too?

Just take my spot. I'm gonna
go pack for the trip.

Hey, in a few days,

you'll get a nice break
from your loser brother.


Eddie never yields his spot on the couch

- when his show's on.
- He's mad at me.

I messed up,

and I don't know how
to get through to him.

This sucks.

What song is this?

It's nice.

I kinda like it.

♪ Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪

♪ Please stick to the
rivers and the lakes ♪

♪ That you're used to ♪

♪ I know that you're
gonna have it your way ♪

♪ Or nothing at all ♪

♪ But I think you're moving too fast ♪

Come on!

♪ I seen a rainbow yesterday ♪

♪ But too many storms
have come and gone ♪

♪ Leaving a trace of not
one God-given ray ♪

♪ Is it because my life
is 10 shades of gray? ♪

♪ I pray all 10 fade away ♪

♪ Seldom praise Him for the sunny days ♪

♪ And like His promise is true,
only my faith can undo ♪

♪ The many chances I blew
to bring my life to anew ♪

♪ Clear and blue and
unconditional skies ♪

♪ Have dried the tears from my eyes ♪

♪ No more lonely cries ♪

I know how to get through to him.

I get Eddie!

♪ ...waterfalls ♪

I, uh, thought I'd make a big dinner

to try and make up for everything.

How do I know that's true?

Maybe you cooked it to eat all yourself.

It's a 20-pound turkey.

Is it? Or are you trying to
scam me with a giant chicken?

Where's Evan? He knows birds.

There you go again...
Using one of our sons

to help you spin your lies.

I'll admit, if I had been honest
with my mom from the beginning...

Emery wouldn't want to be an actor.

Well, that, and I
wouldn't have hurt you...

Or ruined her relationship with Osvaldo.

You did what?

Ma, we thought he was
scamming you for your money.

I was scamming him for free alpaca gear.

I already flipped his gift

for three times of what I sent him.


But I thought you said Osvaldo
made you feel so alive.


Tricking morons is a rush.

I've got a bunch of scams going.

That's why I love Florida.

So many old idiots.

Maybe you Huangs aren't
so gullible after all.

That's right. We're crafty.

Now let's eat.

I can pig out as much as I want

since I bought this
Digestion Accelerator Band.

The arrows let you know it's
facing the right direction.

♪ Poppa and Puff ♪

♪ Close like Starsky and
Hutch, stick the clutch ♪

♪ Dare I squeeze three... ♪

Why are you listening to this?

I'm using it to get you in
here. Like a bird call.

- An Eddie call.
- You mean like a mating call?

Ew! Come on!

I'm trying to tell you
I finally understand

why you like these music videos.

I watched "Waterfalls,"
and it spoke to me.

I totally related to it...

How we should be comfortable
with who we are

and not chase something we're not.

That song's about HIV.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry I called you a loser.

I wish I could be like you...

Fun, relaxed, instantly likeable.

But I can't.

You can be smart when you choose to,

but I can never be cool.

Doesn't work that way.

I thought that, too.

But... after hanging out with you,

I realized you're already cool.

- I am?
- Yeah!

Anybody with enough swagger

to convince their friends
to go bird watching

is doing just fine.

Please. I can't take the credit.

The birds are the real draw.

And, hey, I wasn't trying
to hog your friends.

I just wanted to spend time
with you before I leave.

You're only going for a few weeks.

I mean leave leave... Like, to college.

For a year, and then on to the NBA,

and then to run my own pizza empire.


Yeah. Hot dogs have too much baggage.

You know, with the whole
made-out-of-pig-butts stuff.

How did we get here?

Anyway, you don't need my help.

You'll be just fine when I'm gone.

Thanks, Eddie.

Told ya you could be
smart when you want to.

Maybe I'm not the only
Bibliosapien in the family.


Wait. Which half of me is book?

I-I still have my, uh...

"microphone," right?

Hell yeah, it is.

Eddie, what have you done to our van?

If your music breaks the car,
you're buying us a new one.

Come on, guys. Give it a chance.

♪ Well, just plug me in just
like I was Eddie Harris ♪

♪ You're eatin' crazy cheese ♪

♪ Like you would think I'm from Paris ♪

♪ You know I get fly,
you think I get high ♪

♪ You know that I'm gone, and
I'm-a tell you all why ♪

♪ So, tell me, who are you dissin'? ♪

♪ Maybe I'm missin' ♪

♪ The reason that you're
smilin' or wilin', so listen ♪

♪ In my head, I just
wanna take 'em down ♪

♪ Imagination set loose, and
I'm gonna shake 'em down ♪

♪ Let it flow like a mudslide ♪

♪ When I get on, I like
to ride and glide ♪

♪ I've got depth of perception
in my text, y'all ♪

♪ I get props at my mention
'cause I vex, y'all ♪

♪ So what'cha, what'cha,
what'cha want? ♪

♪ What'cha want? ♪

♪ I get so funny with my money ♪

- ♪ That you flaunt ♪
- ♪ You flaunt ♪

♪ I said, "Where'd you get
your information from, huh?" ♪

♪ You think that you can front
when revelation comes? ♪

♪ Yeah, you can't... ♪