Freakazoid! (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 4 - Virtual Freak - full transcript
NARRATOR: I'm Joe Leahy, the announcer,
and this is my very own story.
This neighborhood was clean
and had a Freakazoid sign.
Then strange things began to happen
and a bat got loose and flew around...
...and naughty kids came and wrote stuff
on the sign. Then things got really bad...
...and there were smoking buildings
and a monkey...
...who climbed up the Chrysler Building
and fought planes.
And then some ghosts came by
and pushed over the Freakazoid sign.
See? That's my story.
Back to announcing now. Goodbye.
CENSOR: I'm the network censor
and! object to the previous scene.
It's too scary. Change it now.
NARRATOR:
Fine. Here's my very own story again.
Only now, everything interesting is gone.
- Are you happy?
CENSOR: Yes.
NARRATOR: I'll bet you're real happy.
CENSOR: I am.
NARRATOR: This is boring and dumb.
CENSOR: / don't care. I like it.
NARRATOR:
Okay.
Look, there's the Freakazoid sign.
It's not like we haven't seen that.
And check out those bricks.
Wow, what a showstopper.
CENSOR: Why don't you grow up?
NARRATOR: Why don't you make me?
CENSOR: Go eat a melon.
NARRATOR: Go censor your head.
CENSOR: Be quiet. Now, introduce
this week's episode or you're fired.
NARRATOR: And now,
another nice Freakazoid! episode.
NARRATOR: The following episode
won't take place in a coffee shop.
This is not a slur
upon the coffee-shop industry.
Please don't resort to litigation.
Instead, we're here at the mall.
A normal, everyday scene. Or is it?
I think it's sweet of you guys to help me
pick out a present for my dad's birthday.
- No problem, Steff.
- Buy him cement or a new theater organ.
Oh, innocent Freakazoid.
How can you know that not far away...
...terror is being assembled
by two men named Bob.
Both men share the same secret desire.
I desire to date Agent Scully
of the X-Files.
I too desire to date Agent Scully,
but not seriously.
See, I'd also date other women.
You know, make her jealous.
Ha! Fat chance.
In any case, rumor on the Internet...
...is that this new virtual-reality game
is neato torpedo.
Perhaps it's something more.
[ALL SLURPING]
- Hey, Cosgrove, what's that?
COSGROVE: Bacon bits.
I thought yogurt had bacon in it.
Turns out it doesn't.
- I'm sorry, did you say something?
- No.
You didn't just make a little wisecrack
about me buying a hat?
- What kind of hat?
- Oh, so you knew I was buying a hat.
You brought it up, Lobe.
Last I heard, you were in Kansas
inventing some fiendish dust machine.
I was, but I came back to buy a hat.
- They sell hats in Kansas.
- Not in my size they don't. Good day.
Ah, Mr. Lobe,
what a pleasure to see you again.
Arthur, a chair for Mr. Lobe,
and bring the special mirror.
Freakazoid, you promised
to help me shop for my dad.
Now you're gonna tail The Lobe
and see what he's up to.
No way, he hasn't done anything.
Steff, I'm 100 percent with you
on this whole shopping--
Kick me with a lead boot.
Virtual Tussle, wow.
I've heard on the Internet
that this is neato torpedo. Hello, boys.
It's Portho and Mel from Virtual Land.
And how many hours
do we plan to while away here?
One game, that's it. I promise.
Cosgrove, we're only playing one game.
No more.
Suits me.
- Let's go, go, go.
- Hey, Freakazoid, how's this thing work?
There, man. Like, you were all fouled up,
but now you're cool.
In the pipe. Awesome.
You're saying strange things. Stop it.
Okay, here's the deal.
We got these helmets on
and it's like we're in this virtual world.
Then we use the control unit
to run around a weird landscape...
...and zap each other while dinosaurs
fly around us and try to get both of us.
Fine.
Like, this monitor will let you see
what's happening in the Virtual Land...
...with Portho and Mel and stuff.
How riveting.
Whoa. A lot of bad vibes here, man.
COMPUTER:
Welcome to Virtual Land.
...where a civil war has left only
one futuristic warrior from each region...
...to battle one another for dominance.
The red warrior is Portho,
ace fighter from the Glim System...
...while the blue warrior is Mel...
...super fighter
from the suburb of Morton Grove.
Okay, I'm coming after you, Mel.
What? Oh, yeah. Mel. Ha. That's funny.
Och! Nifty.
- Kid? Now what?
- Now go ahead and shoot me.
[PANTING]
[GRUNTING]
[DINOSAUR SCREECHES]
What do you think, Steff?
Is every woman crazy
about a sharp-dressed man?
I think I remember the time
you kidnapped me and tied me to a rocket.
- Try it again and I'll give you a fat lip.
- You're usually so sweet.
Is there a problem with Freakazoid,
our boy hero?
- Boy is right.
- Oh, he'll outgrow this game.
Not.
STEFF:
Huh?
[ATTENDANT SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
[FREAKAZOID GIBBERING]
[SCREAMS]
[STEFF GASPS]
Is this part of the game?
What did you do, you big head?
I fiddled with the polygons,
or whatever they're called.
Now, Freakazoid and Cosgrove
are trapped in the game.
Portho and Mel are out here.
And I'm off to buy a couch. Ciao.
My therapist said
I should be more playful.
[STEFF YELLS]
[MAN & WOMAN SCREAMING]
So, what you're telling me
is that this isn't part of the game?
No. Somehow we got
sucked into virtual land.
So it isn't part of the game?
I'll bet The Lobe
had something to do with this.
Ooh., if I ever get out of here,
boy. am I gonna make fun of him.
Nice hat, Lobe. What size is it?
Big pumpkin head?
[IMITATING LOBE]
Could you please widen the door?
I can't get through
with my big, brainy head.
NARRATOR:
Listen, everyone, I have glottal air.
But don't panic.
! can handle it. I am a professional.
Look, kid,
we need to figure a way out of here.
Why don't you sing us a song?
[SINGING "AM I BLUE"
IN NORMAL VOICE]
[DINOSAUR SCREECHING]
[FREAKAZOID YELLING]
You ought to pay attention
instead of doing your little skits.
FREAKAZOID:
Help! Help! Help me!
[SCREAMING]
Oh, help me!
[FREAKAZOID SCREAMING]
- Ooh!
- You okay, kid?
That tingled my bottom.
[DINOSAUR SCREECHING]
Hey, cut it out.
[DINOSAUR WHIMPERS]
Aah!
[CROWD SCREAMING]
MAN:
Get out of my store. I don't like you.
[SCREAMING]
Hee-hee-hee! My, this is more fun
than bumper cars at the county fair.
[SCREAMING]
What did The Lobe do to this machine?
Oh, I hope Freakazoid is all right.
[FREAKAZOID YELLING]
FREAKAZOID:
Cosgrove, I don't wanna fall again.
Catch me, okay?
Cosgrove, look up and catch me.
Cosgrove.
All right, never mind. Ooh!
Neato torpedo.
Does my face look happy?
I've thought of a way out.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
I do believe in spooks. I do. I do.
Up. Go up. Go back up to the mall.
[DINOSAUR SCREECHING]
This idea will work. We've got to return
to the same squares we first landed on.
- Why?
- Will you stop dumping on all my ideas?
Okay.
It was that one.
Home, James.
Maybe it was this one.
- Here? Nope.
- Maybe here.
Uh-uh.
- Are you sure it was a dark square?
- Not really. Here.
COSGROVE: How about here? Here.
FREAKAZOID: Here. Here.
Come on, come on.
Oh, Lobe did something else.
Maybe that's it.
[WEAPONS FIRING]
Ooh!
[SCREECHING]
Nothing I try seems to work.
Why, oh, why?
We're still stuck in this place.
All my plans failed. I'm a failure.
Kid, you're not a failure.
It's just that your ideas
are silly and dumb.
By the way,
there's a heavy pillar rolling toward you.
- I'd take care of that if I were you.
- I can deal with a pillar.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, these guys are real creeps.
Come on, Freakazoid.
Uh-oh.
[SCREECHING]
[SCREECHING]
What a day. And I've still gotta shop.
Don't let me fall into nothingness.
I won't be happy there.
[COSGROVE GRUNTING]
Few people would, kid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ah.
Ah, shoot.
Hey, a little help here.
- Yes, it's me.
- I'm so glad you're back.
The Lobe sabotaged
the virtual-reality machine.
I'm not sure what he did.
I'll save you, buddy.
Wow, that was pretty dumb.
Okay, Steff, you get Cosgrove back.
I'll go handle The Lobe and the dinosaur.
Repeat what I just said.
I'll get Cosgrove back.
You'll handle Lobe and the dinosaur.
Thanks. I forgot.
[SCREECHING]
What in the name of thunder muffins
is going on here?
A dinosaur appears,
Portho and Mel disappear.
That means Freakazoid and Cosgrove
must be back.
Hi, Lobe. You've got one snazzy hat.
Doesn't it make me look rakish?
I think--
You're not peeved, are you?
- I'm real peeved.
- Please, not the hat.
Oh, nut bunnies. I hate this.
- What's wrong? Are you sick?
- No, I forgot the ending. I'll be right back.
Take five, I suppose.
- He forgot the ending.
- What? Oh, no.
[DINOSAUR SOBBING]
Kid, what are you doing here?
[FREAKAZOID SIGHS]
- I forgot the ending.
- Oh, Freakazoid.
I don't wanna ask Lobe,
he'll just make stuff up.
- So, what else are you up for?
- Oh, I'm up for a soap.
- A soap?
- Uh-huh.
Lucky you.
All I've got is a local spot
for Happy Clown Breakfast Soup.
[ALL WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
- Can you remember that?
- Yeah, I'm really sorry.
That virtual world
must've screwed up my memory.
Mine's just fine.
Hmph.
We're burning cash around here.
Let's go. Dinosaur, airborne.
- Lobe, take off.
- Hey.
Run, run, run.
[FREAKAZOID MAKING
WHOOSHING NOISES]
[FREAKAZOID YELLS]
LOBE:
Hey.
Cootchie-coo!
[DINOSAUR LAUGHING]
Yes, you are a flying dinosaur.
Yes, you are.
Go this way.
[FREAKAZOID SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
FREAKAZOID & LOBE:
Whoa!
LOBE: Freakazoid,
why is it taking us so long to fall?
FREAKAZOID: Because it's funny.
LOBE: No, it's not. It's just stupid.
It's as dumb as that hand-man episode.
Whoa!
Any time, Steff.
[SCREAMING]
Phew! Somebody make a light-hearted
comment so we can all laugh and go home.
No way, buster.
You're still coming shopping with me.
A promise is a promise, kid.
LOBE:
And then we'll have s'mores.
And if you all behave...
...one of you might just get to try on
my snazzy new hat.
Maybe we should catch a movie.
- Good idea. I wanna go see Babeheart.
- What's that?
It's about a cute, little pig
that slaughters the English.
ENGLISHMAN [ON FILM]:
I say, look at that little pig.
PIG: La-la-la. You dumb heads
better get out of Scotland.
ENGLISHMAN:
And if we don't?
[PIG SNORTING]
[ENGLISHMAN SCREAMING]
[MEN YELLING]
[WEAPONS CLANGING]
[PIG SNORTING AND SQUEALING]
- This sure is a gory movie.
- Yeah, but that's one mighty cute pig.
I hope he receives
some kind of cute-pig award.
Ha. That's funny.
[ENGLISH SDH]
and this is my very own story.
This neighborhood was clean
and had a Freakazoid sign.
Then strange things began to happen
and a bat got loose and flew around...
...and naughty kids came and wrote stuff
on the sign. Then things got really bad...
...and there were smoking buildings
and a monkey...
...who climbed up the Chrysler Building
and fought planes.
And then some ghosts came by
and pushed over the Freakazoid sign.
See? That's my story.
Back to announcing now. Goodbye.
CENSOR: I'm the network censor
and! object to the previous scene.
It's too scary. Change it now.
NARRATOR:
Fine. Here's my very own story again.
Only now, everything interesting is gone.
- Are you happy?
CENSOR: Yes.
NARRATOR: I'll bet you're real happy.
CENSOR: I am.
NARRATOR: This is boring and dumb.
CENSOR: / don't care. I like it.
NARRATOR:
Okay.
Look, there's the Freakazoid sign.
It's not like we haven't seen that.
And check out those bricks.
Wow, what a showstopper.
CENSOR: Why don't you grow up?
NARRATOR: Why don't you make me?
CENSOR: Go eat a melon.
NARRATOR: Go censor your head.
CENSOR: Be quiet. Now, introduce
this week's episode or you're fired.
NARRATOR: And now,
another nice Freakazoid! episode.
NARRATOR: The following episode
won't take place in a coffee shop.
This is not a slur
upon the coffee-shop industry.
Please don't resort to litigation.
Instead, we're here at the mall.
A normal, everyday scene. Or is it?
I think it's sweet of you guys to help me
pick out a present for my dad's birthday.
- No problem, Steff.
- Buy him cement or a new theater organ.
Oh, innocent Freakazoid.
How can you know that not far away...
...terror is being assembled
by two men named Bob.
Both men share the same secret desire.
I desire to date Agent Scully
of the X-Files.
I too desire to date Agent Scully,
but not seriously.
See, I'd also date other women.
You know, make her jealous.
Ha! Fat chance.
In any case, rumor on the Internet...
...is that this new virtual-reality game
is neato torpedo.
Perhaps it's something more.
[ALL SLURPING]
- Hey, Cosgrove, what's that?
COSGROVE: Bacon bits.
I thought yogurt had bacon in it.
Turns out it doesn't.
- I'm sorry, did you say something?
- No.
You didn't just make a little wisecrack
about me buying a hat?
- What kind of hat?
- Oh, so you knew I was buying a hat.
You brought it up, Lobe.
Last I heard, you were in Kansas
inventing some fiendish dust machine.
I was, but I came back to buy a hat.
- They sell hats in Kansas.
- Not in my size they don't. Good day.
Ah, Mr. Lobe,
what a pleasure to see you again.
Arthur, a chair for Mr. Lobe,
and bring the special mirror.
Freakazoid, you promised
to help me shop for my dad.
Now you're gonna tail The Lobe
and see what he's up to.
No way, he hasn't done anything.
Steff, I'm 100 percent with you
on this whole shopping--
Kick me with a lead boot.
Virtual Tussle, wow.
I've heard on the Internet
that this is neato torpedo. Hello, boys.
It's Portho and Mel from Virtual Land.
And how many hours
do we plan to while away here?
One game, that's it. I promise.
Cosgrove, we're only playing one game.
No more.
Suits me.
- Let's go, go, go.
- Hey, Freakazoid, how's this thing work?
There, man. Like, you were all fouled up,
but now you're cool.
In the pipe. Awesome.
You're saying strange things. Stop it.
Okay, here's the deal.
We got these helmets on
and it's like we're in this virtual world.
Then we use the control unit
to run around a weird landscape...
...and zap each other while dinosaurs
fly around us and try to get both of us.
Fine.
Like, this monitor will let you see
what's happening in the Virtual Land...
...with Portho and Mel and stuff.
How riveting.
Whoa. A lot of bad vibes here, man.
COMPUTER:
Welcome to Virtual Land.
...where a civil war has left only
one futuristic warrior from each region...
...to battle one another for dominance.
The red warrior is Portho,
ace fighter from the Glim System...
...while the blue warrior is Mel...
...super fighter
from the suburb of Morton Grove.
Okay, I'm coming after you, Mel.
What? Oh, yeah. Mel. Ha. That's funny.
Och! Nifty.
- Kid? Now what?
- Now go ahead and shoot me.
[PANTING]
[GRUNTING]
[DINOSAUR SCREECHES]
What do you think, Steff?
Is every woman crazy
about a sharp-dressed man?
I think I remember the time
you kidnapped me and tied me to a rocket.
- Try it again and I'll give you a fat lip.
- You're usually so sweet.
Is there a problem with Freakazoid,
our boy hero?
- Boy is right.
- Oh, he'll outgrow this game.
Not.
STEFF:
Huh?
[ATTENDANT SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
[FREAKAZOID GIBBERING]
[SCREAMS]
[STEFF GASPS]
Is this part of the game?
What did you do, you big head?
I fiddled with the polygons,
or whatever they're called.
Now, Freakazoid and Cosgrove
are trapped in the game.
Portho and Mel are out here.
And I'm off to buy a couch. Ciao.
My therapist said
I should be more playful.
[STEFF YELLS]
[MAN & WOMAN SCREAMING]
So, what you're telling me
is that this isn't part of the game?
No. Somehow we got
sucked into virtual land.
So it isn't part of the game?
I'll bet The Lobe
had something to do with this.
Ooh., if I ever get out of here,
boy. am I gonna make fun of him.
Nice hat, Lobe. What size is it?
Big pumpkin head?
[IMITATING LOBE]
Could you please widen the door?
I can't get through
with my big, brainy head.
NARRATOR:
Listen, everyone, I have glottal air.
But don't panic.
! can handle it. I am a professional.
Look, kid,
we need to figure a way out of here.
Why don't you sing us a song?
[SINGING "AM I BLUE"
IN NORMAL VOICE]
[DINOSAUR SCREECHING]
[FREAKAZOID YELLING]
You ought to pay attention
instead of doing your little skits.
FREAKAZOID:
Help! Help! Help me!
[SCREAMING]
Oh, help me!
[FREAKAZOID SCREAMING]
- Ooh!
- You okay, kid?
That tingled my bottom.
[DINOSAUR SCREECHING]
Hey, cut it out.
[DINOSAUR WHIMPERS]
Aah!
[CROWD SCREAMING]
MAN:
Get out of my store. I don't like you.
[SCREAMING]
Hee-hee-hee! My, this is more fun
than bumper cars at the county fair.
[SCREAMING]
What did The Lobe do to this machine?
Oh, I hope Freakazoid is all right.
[FREAKAZOID YELLING]
FREAKAZOID:
Cosgrove, I don't wanna fall again.
Catch me, okay?
Cosgrove, look up and catch me.
Cosgrove.
All right, never mind. Ooh!
Neato torpedo.
Does my face look happy?
I've thought of a way out.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
I do believe in spooks. I do. I do.
Up. Go up. Go back up to the mall.
[DINOSAUR SCREECHING]
This idea will work. We've got to return
to the same squares we first landed on.
- Why?
- Will you stop dumping on all my ideas?
Okay.
It was that one.
Home, James.
Maybe it was this one.
- Here? Nope.
- Maybe here.
Uh-uh.
- Are you sure it was a dark square?
- Not really. Here.
COSGROVE: How about here? Here.
FREAKAZOID: Here. Here.
Come on, come on.
Oh, Lobe did something else.
Maybe that's it.
[WEAPONS FIRING]
Ooh!
[SCREECHING]
Nothing I try seems to work.
Why, oh, why?
We're still stuck in this place.
All my plans failed. I'm a failure.
Kid, you're not a failure.
It's just that your ideas
are silly and dumb.
By the way,
there's a heavy pillar rolling toward you.
- I'd take care of that if I were you.
- I can deal with a pillar.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, these guys are real creeps.
Come on, Freakazoid.
Uh-oh.
[SCREECHING]
[SCREECHING]
What a day. And I've still gotta shop.
Don't let me fall into nothingness.
I won't be happy there.
[COSGROVE GRUNTING]
Few people would, kid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ah.
Ah, shoot.
Hey, a little help here.
- Yes, it's me.
- I'm so glad you're back.
The Lobe sabotaged
the virtual-reality machine.
I'm not sure what he did.
I'll save you, buddy.
Wow, that was pretty dumb.
Okay, Steff, you get Cosgrove back.
I'll go handle The Lobe and the dinosaur.
Repeat what I just said.
I'll get Cosgrove back.
You'll handle Lobe and the dinosaur.
Thanks. I forgot.
[SCREECHING]
What in the name of thunder muffins
is going on here?
A dinosaur appears,
Portho and Mel disappear.
That means Freakazoid and Cosgrove
must be back.
Hi, Lobe. You've got one snazzy hat.
Doesn't it make me look rakish?
I think--
You're not peeved, are you?
- I'm real peeved.
- Please, not the hat.
Oh, nut bunnies. I hate this.
- What's wrong? Are you sick?
- No, I forgot the ending. I'll be right back.
Take five, I suppose.
- He forgot the ending.
- What? Oh, no.
[DINOSAUR SOBBING]
Kid, what are you doing here?
[FREAKAZOID SIGHS]
- I forgot the ending.
- Oh, Freakazoid.
I don't wanna ask Lobe,
he'll just make stuff up.
- So, what else are you up for?
- Oh, I'm up for a soap.
- A soap?
- Uh-huh.
Lucky you.
All I've got is a local spot
for Happy Clown Breakfast Soup.
[ALL WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
- Can you remember that?
- Yeah, I'm really sorry.
That virtual world
must've screwed up my memory.
Mine's just fine.
Hmph.
We're burning cash around here.
Let's go. Dinosaur, airborne.
- Lobe, take off.
- Hey.
Run, run, run.
[FREAKAZOID MAKING
WHOOSHING NOISES]
[FREAKAZOID YELLS]
LOBE:
Hey.
Cootchie-coo!
[DINOSAUR LAUGHING]
Yes, you are a flying dinosaur.
Yes, you are.
Go this way.
[FREAKAZOID SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
FREAKAZOID & LOBE:
Whoa!
LOBE: Freakazoid,
why is it taking us so long to fall?
FREAKAZOID: Because it's funny.
LOBE: No, it's not. It's just stupid.
It's as dumb as that hand-man episode.
Whoa!
Any time, Steff.
[SCREAMING]
Phew! Somebody make a light-hearted
comment so we can all laugh and go home.
No way, buster.
You're still coming shopping with me.
A promise is a promise, kid.
LOBE:
And then we'll have s'mores.
And if you all behave...
...one of you might just get to try on
my snazzy new hat.
Maybe we should catch a movie.
- Good idea. I wanna go see Babeheart.
- What's that?
It's about a cute, little pig
that slaughters the English.
ENGLISHMAN [ON FILM]:
I say, look at that little pig.
PIG: La-la-la. You dumb heads
better get out of Scotland.
ENGLISHMAN:
And if we don't?
[PIG SNORTING]
[ENGLISHMAN SCREAMING]
[MEN YELLING]
[WEAPONS CLANGING]
[PIG SNORTING AND SQUEALING]
- This sure is a gory movie.
- Yeah, but that's one mighty cute pig.
I hope he receives
some kind of cute-pig award.
Ha. That's funny.
[ENGLISH SDH]