Freakazoid! (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 3 - Mission: Freakazoid - full transcript
Freak and his friends travel to a police state to rescue another friend.
NARRATOR: This episode has been paid for,
in part, by Anubis Markets...
...a division of Osiris Foods.
So shop at the sign
of the jackal-headed man...
...for food so good, you can eat it.
However, this will not affect
our story in any way. Thank you.
- What's the big deal, Roddy?
- Bad news, lad. Just watch.
NARRATOR [ON TV]:
Good morning, Mr. Freakazoid.
The city you are looking at
is the capitol of Vukanova...
...a ruthless police state.
Vukanova is kept in an iron grip
of terror by this man:
Janus Ivenuvuwels,
minister of state security.
lvenovowels is aided by this man:
Colonel Anton Mohacs...
...a vicious thug
who finds torture relaxing.
Admit that you are terrorist.
Confess now
with the words of confessing.
Anton?
Yes, Janos?
Make him talk.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[LAUGHING]
- Did they make the mime talk?
- Pay attention.
NARRATOR:
lvenovowels has arrested this family...
...the Douglas family,
on a false charge of espionage.
That's my family.
See, I say pay attention but, no,
you wanted to yak about some mime.
NARRATOR:
He plans to exchange the Douglases...
...for real Vukanovan spies
held in the United States.
The Douglases are now
inside Cheeky Beresch.
Sheesh, I get all the hard words
this episode.
Cheeky Beresch,
the toughest prison in Europe.
Held in the high-security wing...
...guarded by cameras, lasers
and pressure-sensitive mines.
Your mission, Freakazoid,
should you choose to accept it...
...is to rescue your family
and punish Janus Ivenuvuwels.
In any case, have a rich,
full-bodied day. Goodbye.
It's an ugly business, lad,
sure as a pig hates bacon.
Why didn't I go
on vacation with my family?
Why, oh, why?
This computer tournament is important.
And I'm old enough to make
my own decisions, and will you stop it?
Will you make me, twink boy?
DOUGLAS:
Tickets to Vukanova are only 60 bucks.
A heck of a deal, huh?
But we respect the fact
that you're becoming a little man.
So go ahead, snub your family,
go to a computer tournament.
Our broken hearts will mend in time
if we don't die first.
Thanks a lot, you guys.
I gotta tell everyone on the Net
I'll be there.
One day, Dexter will leave home
and get a job.
Not like you, Duncan.
You'll be a big, strong, man-child...
...still lifting weights in your room
when you're 40.
Cool. That way, I can really buff up
and save some money.
Now, I remember why I didn't go.
They're a bunch of loons.
But they're my loons
and I'm gonna break them out right now.
You can't, for two reasons:
One, you might jeopardize
your secret identity.
And two, we've got a half hour to fill
and you'd leave us two acts short.
And you know what happens
when we go short.
NARRATOR:
Since this week's episode ended early...
...I'll recite
some of my favorite naughty limericks.
I'm sure you'll find them pleasing
and saucy.
There once was a woman from Bristol.
Ugh. Sorry, I lost my head.
Ooh, pot roast.
Perhaps later, Ingmar, my mute butler.
- He's mute, you know.
RODDY: I know.
Now, listen, lad, you can't just rush off
like @ man with his kilt on fire.
You've got to be clever
and sneak your family out.
I'd rather rush in
and start breaking things.
You've got to put together
a team of crack experts.
Then come up with a complicated plan.
Then carry out that plan.
Oh, where are you gonna be
while I'm doing all this planning?
I thought I'd kick back
and watch a few videos...
...maybe Braveheart and Rob Roy.
Where do you think I'm gonna be?
I'm going into the prison's computer
and disable the defense system.
You and your team
will have to do the rest.
Do the best you can, lad.
See you in Vukanova.
I'd rather break things.
[LAUGHING]
You're quitting? Now?
Do you have another job lined up?
Cool, but I need you now.
I'm in the middle of a mission.
- Where am I gonna find a butler?
MAN: Perhaps I can be of service.
I am Professor Jones.
Ingmar and I are old friends.
I offered to fill in.
Weren't you on a TV show with a robot?
Never mind.
Well, if Ingmar says you're okay,
I guess you're okay.
Anyway, this is the Freak-A-Lair.
I hope you're as handy as Ingmar.
He built the whole place from scratch.
Don't expect me to construct anything
more complicated than a jelly sandwich.
How large a staff will I supervise?
You're it. I mean, you are it.
Surely, you jest.
I've quit better jobs than this.
Oh, please. Please stay.
I'm under tons of pressure.
I got a mission to plan, hostages to free.
I can't get anyone else.
What will become of me?
I'll double your pay.
Double? I'll think about it.
This is gonna be a long episode.
NARRATOR: Enjoy the second act
with a snack from Anubis Markets.
A division of Osiris Foods.
RODDY:
Aye, that's the master chip.
If I can disconnect it...
...the system will be as helpless
as a man with big apples for feet.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, that's all wrong, hon.
Don't tell me
how to mark off time in prison.
DEBBIE: See, dear?
Each vertical line represents one day.
Then on day five, we use the little slash.
Later, as years
of horrible imprisonment pass...
...we can count our time in a jiffy.
No.
[SOBBING]
No.
[GROANING]
[SCREAMING]
He's here, yes.
There's been a mine explosion.
Crud. Crud. Crud.
This will take longer than I thought.
I sure hope the lad
pulled an elite team together.
I know you're tense, but remember,
you're the best we've got.
We're going in like professionals
and rescue the, uh, Huntoon family.
Any questions?
Hey, Freakazoid,
we're gonna rescue your family, right?
I mean, it's not like anyone here
doesn't know you're Dexter Douglas.
You're Dexter Douglas?
Dexter "Creepy" Douglas is Freakazoid?
Cosgrove.
Sorry, kid. I thought Steff knew.
I mean, she's your girlfriend and all.
I trusted you and you just blurted it out.
You should've checked with me first.
Too much.
I gotta call Val and Jill.
You can't tell anyone.
How come Cosgrove knows?
He wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
Greetings, everyone.
So you're Dexter Douglas.
How interesting.
Well, I've been in the galley
making snacks.
We have croutons with melted Brie
and bottled Pelliguano water...
...from the island of Bim.
I don't want this stuff.
I want a can of hash and some coffee.
Weren't you on a show with a robot?
Mind your own beeswax.
Professor Jones is replacing Ingmar.
This is Sergeant Mike Cosgrove
and my girlfriend, Steff.
You all know me, I'm Freakazoid...
...or you can just call me
by my secret identity of Dexter Douglas.
[BEEPING]
I want a can of hash and some coffee.
Nonsense. Eat what's in front of you
and try not to dribble any on your clothing.
How about if I pound your head straight
down into your tummy?
Heh, heh. Yeah, well, perhaps I misspoke.
FREAKAZOID: Look, Jonsey, you just gotta
get to know Cosgrove. He's okay.
He's a brute. He hates me.
I try to make things nice
and what's my reward?
[CRYING]
To be spat upon like an old hound.
[ALARM BUZZING]
Oh, nut bunnies.
JONES: I slave away all this time,
never once taking a vacation.
It's your first day.
"Enemy aircraft?"
[GROANING]
Oh, that's right.
Enemy aircraft are bad.
Got it. Filed. Stored.
Everybody, out. Go. Go. Go.
Come on, Cosgrove, go.
Go, Jonsey, go.
Stop, you ninny.
I'm not wearing a--
[SCREAMING]
JONES:
The pain.
Thank you for catching me, Cosgrove.
I promise I'll cook your favorite, wretched,
vile dish of canned slop.
That's a can of hash and some coffee.
Okay, everyone knows the plan.
Kid, you never actually gave us a plan.
It was more of a broad outline.
MAN [OVER PA]:
Halt or you will be shot.
[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
Bum-bum-bum.
MAN [OVER PA]:
You are spies.
You are under arrest.
You, in little tie, step forward.
Were you not in television program
with robot?
Hush, you impertinent whelp.
Hi, I'm gonna join you.
[MEN YELLING AND GRUNTING]
FREAKAZOID:
Hmm. Not too shabby.
Let's go. Stay cool.
[DOOR WHIRS]
Minister Ivenovowels.
[IN FOREIGN ACCENT]
Hello, what's shaking with you?
Hi, we have captured an American spy
from the downed plane.
But why would a spy wear the uniform
of an American police sergeant?
Because I'm crazy.
And how is it that the minister
is dressed so funny?
Yes, well, because you see,
I'm going to a really smart party.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, nut bunnies.
[GASPS THEN GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
How's this for a complex plan?
So far, I've knocked out three guards.
- Hey, Roddy.
- Hi, Roddy.
- Roddy.
- Greetings, Roddy.
I am Professor Jones.
Oh, a bit late in the year for tartan,
wouldn't you say?
Where's Ingmar?
Well, I guess still waters run deep.
Or something.
But I'll bet you turned off
the defense system.
I'll bet you just did.
Then why are you all standing around
like federal workers?
- I'll go rescue the poor family.
RODDY: No.
I wouldn't go in there just yet.
JONES:
Oh, Fibber McGee.
Like I was trying
to tell Professor Jones...
...1 got the cell doors unlocked
and the cameras disabled--
Good. I knew you could.
--But I couldn't disarm the lasers
or the mines.
JONES:
Freakazoid, you ninny!
I believe my rescue attempt is over.
Jonsey, are you okay?
No, not really.
Going into that cell block
was a brave thing, Professor Jones.
You could've run like a screamy,
weak man, but you didn't.
I want a can of hash and some coffee.
Then you accept me?
You like me?
FREAKAZOID:
Well, sort of, yeah.
How kind of you, Freakazoid.
And, of course,
you'll pay for my dry cleaning?
Well, if it's work-related.
GUARD 1:
Stop where you are.
[GUNS CLICKING]
Hey, cut it out.
GUARD 2:
It's your fault.
We should let the Douglas family
know we're here.
RODDY:
Good idea, lass.
We're here to help.
Can you hear me?
DEBBIE: Yes. And there's a mime
in the next cell making happy gestures.
DUNCAN:
And he's really stupid-looking.
DOUGLAS:
Save us. Save us.
Ooh.
Everyone, I know something.
NARRATOR: Shop at the sign of
the jackal-headed man. Anubis Markets.
I've got an idea
how we can get my family out...
...and escape the prison with no sweat.
[RINGS]
One moment. Yes?
It's Freakazoid.
What do you want?
Guess where I am?
I'm at your prison.
Me and my friends are about to rescue
the Douglas family...
...and a mime and escape,
you big fathead.
Fatty, tatty, chunky, chunky, lard face.
Your death will be very painful.
Notify the prison authorities.
I want to deal
with Freakazoid personally.
Freakazoid, you just insulted
the security minister...
...and gave him our exact location.
What was the point, lad?
What's your plan?
Okay, I know you're gonna be mad.
But I forgot the rest of my plan.
[RODDY, STEFF & JONES GROAN]
But let's do this instead.
[YELLING]
I'm over here.
Oh, loakit.
It's Dexter's driving instructor.
Yoo-hoo.
Ha!
[ANTON & JANOS CHUCKLING]
Well, look what crawled out of the old,
dark, sludge cup.
Only America could produce
an imbecile of your caliber.
That's because we make lots of things
better than other people.
[GROWLING]
[YELLING]
[GRUNTING]
That didn't work out.
No. No, please.
ANTON: They will entertain us
with cute pantomime until we perish.
[SCREAMING]
NARRATOR: And so the Douglas family
returned home safely.
While Freakazoid and his friends
enjoyed a well-earned celebration.
One thing still bothers me.
How come Vukanova
has such a rotten government?
Because individual liberty
is the key to good government.
An example might be
your local Anubis Market.
Where customers are free
to experience quality and service.
Aye, Steff. And to choose low prices
without fear of coercion.
I rest easier knowing that Anubis Markets
are a division of Osiris Foods.
Food so good, you can eat it.
What can I say?
It kept me on the air for another season.
[ENGLISH SDH]
in part, by Anubis Markets...
...a division of Osiris Foods.
So shop at the sign
of the jackal-headed man...
...for food so good, you can eat it.
However, this will not affect
our story in any way. Thank you.
- What's the big deal, Roddy?
- Bad news, lad. Just watch.
NARRATOR [ON TV]:
Good morning, Mr. Freakazoid.
The city you are looking at
is the capitol of Vukanova...
...a ruthless police state.
Vukanova is kept in an iron grip
of terror by this man:
Janus Ivenuvuwels,
minister of state security.
lvenovowels is aided by this man:
Colonel Anton Mohacs...
...a vicious thug
who finds torture relaxing.
Admit that you are terrorist.
Confess now
with the words of confessing.
Anton?
Yes, Janos?
Make him talk.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[LAUGHING]
- Did they make the mime talk?
- Pay attention.
NARRATOR:
lvenovowels has arrested this family...
...the Douglas family,
on a false charge of espionage.
That's my family.
See, I say pay attention but, no,
you wanted to yak about some mime.
NARRATOR:
He plans to exchange the Douglases...
...for real Vukanovan spies
held in the United States.
The Douglases are now
inside Cheeky Beresch.
Sheesh, I get all the hard words
this episode.
Cheeky Beresch,
the toughest prison in Europe.
Held in the high-security wing...
...guarded by cameras, lasers
and pressure-sensitive mines.
Your mission, Freakazoid,
should you choose to accept it...
...is to rescue your family
and punish Janus Ivenuvuwels.
In any case, have a rich,
full-bodied day. Goodbye.
It's an ugly business, lad,
sure as a pig hates bacon.
Why didn't I go
on vacation with my family?
Why, oh, why?
This computer tournament is important.
And I'm old enough to make
my own decisions, and will you stop it?
Will you make me, twink boy?
DOUGLAS:
Tickets to Vukanova are only 60 bucks.
A heck of a deal, huh?
But we respect the fact
that you're becoming a little man.
So go ahead, snub your family,
go to a computer tournament.
Our broken hearts will mend in time
if we don't die first.
Thanks a lot, you guys.
I gotta tell everyone on the Net
I'll be there.
One day, Dexter will leave home
and get a job.
Not like you, Duncan.
You'll be a big, strong, man-child...
...still lifting weights in your room
when you're 40.
Cool. That way, I can really buff up
and save some money.
Now, I remember why I didn't go.
They're a bunch of loons.
But they're my loons
and I'm gonna break them out right now.
You can't, for two reasons:
One, you might jeopardize
your secret identity.
And two, we've got a half hour to fill
and you'd leave us two acts short.
And you know what happens
when we go short.
NARRATOR:
Since this week's episode ended early...
...I'll recite
some of my favorite naughty limericks.
I'm sure you'll find them pleasing
and saucy.
There once was a woman from Bristol.
Ugh. Sorry, I lost my head.
Ooh, pot roast.
Perhaps later, Ingmar, my mute butler.
- He's mute, you know.
RODDY: I know.
Now, listen, lad, you can't just rush off
like @ man with his kilt on fire.
You've got to be clever
and sneak your family out.
I'd rather rush in
and start breaking things.
You've got to put together
a team of crack experts.
Then come up with a complicated plan.
Then carry out that plan.
Oh, where are you gonna be
while I'm doing all this planning?
I thought I'd kick back
and watch a few videos...
...maybe Braveheart and Rob Roy.
Where do you think I'm gonna be?
I'm going into the prison's computer
and disable the defense system.
You and your team
will have to do the rest.
Do the best you can, lad.
See you in Vukanova.
I'd rather break things.
[LAUGHING]
You're quitting? Now?
Do you have another job lined up?
Cool, but I need you now.
I'm in the middle of a mission.
- Where am I gonna find a butler?
MAN: Perhaps I can be of service.
I am Professor Jones.
Ingmar and I are old friends.
I offered to fill in.
Weren't you on a TV show with a robot?
Never mind.
Well, if Ingmar says you're okay,
I guess you're okay.
Anyway, this is the Freak-A-Lair.
I hope you're as handy as Ingmar.
He built the whole place from scratch.
Don't expect me to construct anything
more complicated than a jelly sandwich.
How large a staff will I supervise?
You're it. I mean, you are it.
Surely, you jest.
I've quit better jobs than this.
Oh, please. Please stay.
I'm under tons of pressure.
I got a mission to plan, hostages to free.
I can't get anyone else.
What will become of me?
I'll double your pay.
Double? I'll think about it.
This is gonna be a long episode.
NARRATOR: Enjoy the second act
with a snack from Anubis Markets.
A division of Osiris Foods.
RODDY:
Aye, that's the master chip.
If I can disconnect it...
...the system will be as helpless
as a man with big apples for feet.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, that's all wrong, hon.
Don't tell me
how to mark off time in prison.
DEBBIE: See, dear?
Each vertical line represents one day.
Then on day five, we use the little slash.
Later, as years
of horrible imprisonment pass...
...we can count our time in a jiffy.
No.
[SOBBING]
No.
[GROANING]
[SCREAMING]
He's here, yes.
There's been a mine explosion.
Crud. Crud. Crud.
This will take longer than I thought.
I sure hope the lad
pulled an elite team together.
I know you're tense, but remember,
you're the best we've got.
We're going in like professionals
and rescue the, uh, Huntoon family.
Any questions?
Hey, Freakazoid,
we're gonna rescue your family, right?
I mean, it's not like anyone here
doesn't know you're Dexter Douglas.
You're Dexter Douglas?
Dexter "Creepy" Douglas is Freakazoid?
Cosgrove.
Sorry, kid. I thought Steff knew.
I mean, she's your girlfriend and all.
I trusted you and you just blurted it out.
You should've checked with me first.
Too much.
I gotta call Val and Jill.
You can't tell anyone.
How come Cosgrove knows?
He wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
Greetings, everyone.
So you're Dexter Douglas.
How interesting.
Well, I've been in the galley
making snacks.
We have croutons with melted Brie
and bottled Pelliguano water...
...from the island of Bim.
I don't want this stuff.
I want a can of hash and some coffee.
Weren't you on a show with a robot?
Mind your own beeswax.
Professor Jones is replacing Ingmar.
This is Sergeant Mike Cosgrove
and my girlfriend, Steff.
You all know me, I'm Freakazoid...
...or you can just call me
by my secret identity of Dexter Douglas.
[BEEPING]
I want a can of hash and some coffee.
Nonsense. Eat what's in front of you
and try not to dribble any on your clothing.
How about if I pound your head straight
down into your tummy?
Heh, heh. Yeah, well, perhaps I misspoke.
FREAKAZOID: Look, Jonsey, you just gotta
get to know Cosgrove. He's okay.
He's a brute. He hates me.
I try to make things nice
and what's my reward?
[CRYING]
To be spat upon like an old hound.
[ALARM BUZZING]
Oh, nut bunnies.
JONES: I slave away all this time,
never once taking a vacation.
It's your first day.
"Enemy aircraft?"
[GROANING]
Oh, that's right.
Enemy aircraft are bad.
Got it. Filed. Stored.
Everybody, out. Go. Go. Go.
Come on, Cosgrove, go.
Go, Jonsey, go.
Stop, you ninny.
I'm not wearing a--
[SCREAMING]
JONES:
The pain.
Thank you for catching me, Cosgrove.
I promise I'll cook your favorite, wretched,
vile dish of canned slop.
That's a can of hash and some coffee.
Okay, everyone knows the plan.
Kid, you never actually gave us a plan.
It was more of a broad outline.
MAN [OVER PA]:
Halt or you will be shot.
[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
Bum-bum-bum.
MAN [OVER PA]:
You are spies.
You are under arrest.
You, in little tie, step forward.
Were you not in television program
with robot?
Hush, you impertinent whelp.
Hi, I'm gonna join you.
[MEN YELLING AND GRUNTING]
FREAKAZOID:
Hmm. Not too shabby.
Let's go. Stay cool.
[DOOR WHIRS]
Minister Ivenovowels.
[IN FOREIGN ACCENT]
Hello, what's shaking with you?
Hi, we have captured an American spy
from the downed plane.
But why would a spy wear the uniform
of an American police sergeant?
Because I'm crazy.
And how is it that the minister
is dressed so funny?
Yes, well, because you see,
I'm going to a really smart party.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, nut bunnies.
[GASPS THEN GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
How's this for a complex plan?
So far, I've knocked out three guards.
- Hey, Roddy.
- Hi, Roddy.
- Roddy.
- Greetings, Roddy.
I am Professor Jones.
Oh, a bit late in the year for tartan,
wouldn't you say?
Where's Ingmar?
Well, I guess still waters run deep.
Or something.
But I'll bet you turned off
the defense system.
I'll bet you just did.
Then why are you all standing around
like federal workers?
- I'll go rescue the poor family.
RODDY: No.
I wouldn't go in there just yet.
JONES:
Oh, Fibber McGee.
Like I was trying
to tell Professor Jones...
...1 got the cell doors unlocked
and the cameras disabled--
Good. I knew you could.
--But I couldn't disarm the lasers
or the mines.
JONES:
Freakazoid, you ninny!
I believe my rescue attempt is over.
Jonsey, are you okay?
No, not really.
Going into that cell block
was a brave thing, Professor Jones.
You could've run like a screamy,
weak man, but you didn't.
I want a can of hash and some coffee.
Then you accept me?
You like me?
FREAKAZOID:
Well, sort of, yeah.
How kind of you, Freakazoid.
And, of course,
you'll pay for my dry cleaning?
Well, if it's work-related.
GUARD 1:
Stop where you are.
[GUNS CLICKING]
Hey, cut it out.
GUARD 2:
It's your fault.
We should let the Douglas family
know we're here.
RODDY:
Good idea, lass.
We're here to help.
Can you hear me?
DEBBIE: Yes. And there's a mime
in the next cell making happy gestures.
DUNCAN:
And he's really stupid-looking.
DOUGLAS:
Save us. Save us.
Ooh.
Everyone, I know something.
NARRATOR: Shop at the sign of
the jackal-headed man. Anubis Markets.
I've got an idea
how we can get my family out...
...and escape the prison with no sweat.
[RINGS]
One moment. Yes?
It's Freakazoid.
What do you want?
Guess where I am?
I'm at your prison.
Me and my friends are about to rescue
the Douglas family...
...and a mime and escape,
you big fathead.
Fatty, tatty, chunky, chunky, lard face.
Your death will be very painful.
Notify the prison authorities.
I want to deal
with Freakazoid personally.
Freakazoid, you just insulted
the security minister...
...and gave him our exact location.
What was the point, lad?
What's your plan?
Okay, I know you're gonna be mad.
But I forgot the rest of my plan.
[RODDY, STEFF & JONES GROAN]
But let's do this instead.
[YELLING]
I'm over here.
Oh, loakit.
It's Dexter's driving instructor.
Yoo-hoo.
Ha!
[ANTON & JANOS CHUCKLING]
Well, look what crawled out of the old,
dark, sludge cup.
Only America could produce
an imbecile of your caliber.
That's because we make lots of things
better than other people.
[GROWLING]
[YELLING]
[GRUNTING]
That didn't work out.
No. No, please.
ANTON: They will entertain us
with cute pantomime until we perish.
[SCREAMING]
NARRATOR: And so the Douglas family
returned home safely.
While Freakazoid and his friends
enjoyed a well-earned celebration.
One thing still bothers me.
How come Vukanova
has such a rotten government?
Because individual liberty
is the key to good government.
An example might be
your local Anubis Market.
Where customers are free
to experience quality and service.
Aye, Steff. And to choose low prices
without fear of coercion.
I rest easier knowing that Anubis Markets
are a division of Osiris Foods.
Food so good, you can eat it.
What can I say?
It kept me on the air for another season.
[ENGLISH SDH]