Freakazoid! (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 5 - Hero Boy - full transcript
[ANNOUNCER READS
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
ANNOUNCER:
Please stay tuned.
[CRASHING]
MAN:
Look out!
Quick, get it back up! Hurry!
ANNOUNCER: We are experiencing
technical difficulties. Please stay tuned.
MAN:
Are we all clear?
Okay, we're all clear. Great.
All right, hit the red button.
[BEEP]
No, not that button!
[ALARM BLARING, PEOPLE SCREAM,
OBJECTS CRASHING]
ANNOUNCER:
And now, Freakazoid!
MAN:
Spirit gum.
Ear.
Wig.
[ORGAN PLAYS EERIE INTRO]
[SINGING]
All around the mulberry bush
Guitierrez chased the weenie
The weenie thought 'twas all in fun
Crunch goes the weenie
[CACKLING]
Laugh with me.
[CACKLING]
[ROARING]
Hmph. Summon Hero Boy, both of you.
BOTH:
Hmph!
BOTH [SINGING IN HIGH VOICE]:
Hero Boy
Hero Boy
Hero Boy
That is ll.
[GUNSHOTS]
- I must succeed.
- I must succeed.
[YELLING]
[SCREAMS THEN GROANS]
! would say you did well,
don't you think?
- I did not try hard enough.
- I would say you did very nicely, though.
And the force of your punches, my word.
- The monster must've found it quite jarring.
- I have failed to succeed.
That's true. I agree you have failed
to destroy the monster.
And that's really too bad. But you have
succeeded in giving us a nice, good laugh.
[LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hero Boy, indeed.
Bad Japanese animation.
That's what it is.
- Hey, I like that show.
- Don't get me started.
Oh, this videotape just arrived.
- The messenger said it was urgent.
- Hmm.
- Put it in.
- I would.
But my back, it's rather delicate today.
[TAPE SLIDES IN]
[SCREAMS]
Hello, Freakazoid, my old, dear friend.
Guitierrez.
It has been much too long, my friend,
since we have exchanged...
...um, cordialities face to face.
- That's not a word.
- Shh.
This is something I wish to rectify
lickety-split.
Meet me at the old,
deserted wiener factory near the wharf.
- We don't have a wharf.
- Shh.
If you are not here by precisely 1 p.m.,
I will have--
Jocko, hold the camera still.
JOCKO:
Eeee.
I will have no choice...
...but to immediately vaporize
the entire world and everyone in it.
One p.m., my friend.
Goodbye.
- Jocko, fade out already.
JOCKO: Feee.
Nut bunnies. Only eight minutes.
I must succeed.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[HORN HONKS TWICE]
Hey, Freakazoid,
wanna go to Spumoniland?
GUITIERREZ: If you are not here by 1 p.m.,
I shall vaporize the world.
Okay, real quick.
Slow down, kid.
Your tummy's gonna get all urpy.
No time.
[SLURPS]
I must succeed.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Nasty litterbugs.
[CAR SPUTTERING]
Nut bunnies.
[TIRES SCREECH)]
- Fill her up. Hurry.
- Did you say, "Fill her up"?
[WHISTLES]
ALL [SINGING]:
If you want service with a smile
We will go that extra mile
- We clean windows
- Fill the tank
- Wax the hood
- No need to thank
ALL: Gasigo, we're at your service
Gasigo, that is our purpose
Gasigo, we love your car
Gasigo, we're never far
Hey, I really gotta go.
But we--
You know, we haven't finished our song.
Gasigo, we're here to please you
Gasigo, we'll never leave you
G-A-S-I-G-O
Gasigo
So put us to the test
We will strive to do our best
FREAKAZOID:
No.
I'm here. Don't do it.
GUITIERREZ:
Ah.
Jocko, prepare a sandwich for our guest.
He must be hungry from his long journey.
Now, Jocko, now.
Eeee.
You'll have to excuse Jocko.
He used to work for Bobby Knight.
- Okay, I'm here. Now, what do you want?
- I want to introduce you to someone.
Freakazoid, meet Freakazoid.
- Amazing, is it not?
- It's delicious.
- Not the sandwich. My Freakaclone.
FREAKAZOID: It's okay, I guess.
- What's in this? Pimento loaf?
- Oh, stop with the sandwich.
Using your genetic code from cyberspace,
I was able to create the Freakaclone.
Perfect in every detail,
right down to the snazzy red tights.
- Think Jocko could make me another one?
- Oh, enough with the sandwich.
Forget the sandwich.
Okay. Half a sandwich?
[GRUNTS]
Now, can we please move on
to more important topics of conversation?
Or do you want to talk
about the sandwich some mare?
A little more.
[YELLS]
What am I? Moe Howard? Oaooh!
Freakazoid, you make me crazy.
All the more reason I shall enjoy
seeing you writhe in agony...
...as you watch my Freakaclone
carry out its mission.
What's "writhe" mean?
I mean that our friend here
is going to replace you, Freakazoid.
He's about to venture into the world
posing as you...
...do terrible things, awful things...
...destroying what you value the most:
your reputation.
And where am I supposed to be
while he's doing all this stuff? Here?
Ha-ha. That is the plan.
Behold, the purest kryptonite.
Feeling weak, my friend? Oh, so weak?
That's Superman's weakness, not mine.
- Really?
- Yeah. Duh.
Oh, that stupid man at the store.
Well, then, how about this?
Does the yellow hurt your eyes,
my friend?
Getting weak? Oh, so very weak?
- That's the Green Lantern.
- Oh, shoot.
Then how about some water in your face?
Are you melting?
- Melting, my friend?
- That's the Wicked Witch.
Oh, we're wasting time.
- What is your weakness?
- Well...
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Never tell the villain
how to trap you in a cage.
GUITIERREZ: You probably shouldn't have
helped us build it either.
I know. Dumb.
So graphite bars
charged with negative ions.
- That is your weakness, huh?
- That or poo gas.
You know, it's a funny thing.
Nobody likes poo gas, my friend. Blecch.
Where's the clone, Guitierrez?
Oh, he had some errands to run.
[CACKLING]
Laugh with me, Jocko. Laugh with me.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Have a good day, Mrs. Liver.
Hope that swelling goes down.
Thank you.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
Next.
Freakazoid. Well, hey there.
How can I help you today, hon?
[TAMMY SCREAMS]
Hey, Freakazoid,
can I have your autograph?
My name's Danny Dingle.
Thanks.
DANNY: "To Danny Dingle.
ll never liked you. Freakazoid"?
[WAILING]
"And so the Freakaclone
traveled throughout the kingdom...
...doing terrible things.
People were angry.
And there was much wailing
and gnashing of teeth and--"
Bubbie, are you gonna eat that?
Mm-mm.
- Can I have it?
- Mm-hm.
"Guitierrez was very happy.
His evil plan seemed to be working."
Freakazoid continued
his bizarre crime streak today...
...by leading police on a high-speed chase
through the city.
[LAUGHS]
Go, girlfriend.
[PLAYS ORGAN]
A three-count federal indictment was
handed down against Freakazoid today...
...on charges of tax evasion, mail fraud,
and impersonating a Shriner.
Whoo-hoo. How wonderfully nasty.
Ha-ha.
Tonight on America's Most Hated:
Once a superhero, now a supercrook.
You can help us locate this man.
This is the last known picture
of Freakazoid.
And here is a computer composite
of how Freakazoid might look...
...disguised as a Shetland pony.
One of America's Most Hated.
Congratulations, Freakazoid.
Get your darn ape hands off me.
- What?
- Nothing. Sorry.
Look, just turn off the TV, Guitierrez.
I can't take it anymore.
That, my friend, is the whole point.
I want you to see
what your adoring public thinks of you now.
And I want these images
to be the last things you remember...
...before I extinguish your life.
[LAUGHS]
Laugh with me, Jocko.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
TV ANNOUNCER: /t seems we have a break
in the Freakazoid case.
Let's go now, live, to city hall.
I'm Sergeant Mike Cosgrove.
How you all doing?
It is now our belief that the Freakazoid
currently loose in the city is a clone.
[CROWD GASPS, CHATTERING]
- Yes.
WOMAN:
What leads you to believe he's a clone?
Because I invited him to go
to the Yakov Smirnoff Film Festival...
...and he said no.
CROWD: Clone!
Ugh!
[FREAKAZOID LAUGHS]
They found out, Guitierrez.
The Freakaclone may have looked like me,
but it didn't have my happy personality.
Yes, I see that now.
Well, I'll just have to create another one.
Only, this time, it will act just like you...
...because, this time,
I shall give it your brain.
Eece. Eece. Eece. Eeece.
Oh, stop that singing already.
Soon, my friend, your every thought...
...your every desire, will be transferred
into that metal cylinder.
And a new, improved Freakaclone
will be barn.
This time, it will act just like you.
But it will be evil working for me.
And at last,
I will have my revenge for this.
- Ew.
- Yes, my friend. Ew.
This is what became of me
after you threw me into the pit.
I brought along a clip,
if you'd like to see it.
Hey, that'd be great.
Do we need to set it up?
- No, I think it explains itself.
- Great. Let's run that clip.
- Where should I look?
- Right there.
Ah.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
Ah!
That's the end of the clip!
That was great.
Now, these next clips
are some of my all-time favorite bloopers.
GUITIERREZ: Now, this jaunty fellow
is going his merry way...
...when suddenly, look what happens,
and he doesn't even realize it.
Hey, chubby boy, where is your donkey?
Here, two men are trying
to get into the same pair of shorts.
Now, look at this duck.
FREAKAZOID: It's just a duck.
GUITIERREZ: No, my friend.
FREAKAZOID: It's a plain old duck.
GUITIERREZ: No.
It's a very special duck
because there is a guy in it.
Here, a giant boy scours a Dutch village
in search of cheese.
[IN DEEP VOICE]
“! want cheese. Cheese, my friends."
[NORMAL VOICE]
This chap is new to the farm...
...and he thinks
this is the way you milk a cow.
And the funny thing is it works. Ha-ha.
FREAKAZOID: Guitierrez, we really should
get back to the show now.
GUITIERREZ:
Oh, just one more clip.
This man is giving his wife kissings
and lovings...
...when, suddenly, his broker calls,
and he has to go talk to him.
[PHONE RINGS]
Then a monkey appears
and starts to kiss the woman...
...and she thinks it's the guy.
Look out, woman, it's a monkey. Ha-ha.
[SCREAMS]
- Wow, good stuff.
- Thank you.
And now...
...let us begin.
Just keep thinking those
happy little thoughts of yours, Freakazoid.
[SCREAMING]
Eece-cece-cece.
[SCREAMS]
Eece-cece-cece.
[SCREAMS]
That's it, my friend. Don't resist.
Just be yourself.
No. Can't let him take my thoughts.
Gotta think of other things.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed!
[ALARM BLARING]
[GASPS]
I must succeed!
[SIZZLING]
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
[GROANS]
No.
[GRUNTING]
You. You did this.
You told me to think happy thoughts,
so I thought about my favorite show.
But you forget, my friend, they are evil.
- Annihilate him.
ALL: We must succeed.
"Mph!
[ALL YELLING]
Ow!
- My back.
- Cut it out.
[YELLING]
[MAKES BUZZING SOUND]
HERO BOYS:
Ow!
Eeee!
Tell it to the judge.
COSGROVE:
Good job, kid.
But how come
you didn't go after Guitierrez?
Don't worry.
He's getting what he deserves.
ATTENDANTS [SINGING]:
Gasigo, we're here to please you
- Gasigo, we'll never leave you
- Be quiet!
- G-A-S-I-G-O, Gasigo
- Be quiet! Stop it!
- So put us to the test
- No more! No more! No!
On behalf of Warner Animation...
...I wanna thank you
for enjoying our fine programming. Ah!
BOTH:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
[ENGLISH SDH]
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
ANNOUNCER:
Please stay tuned.
[CRASHING]
MAN:
Look out!
Quick, get it back up! Hurry!
ANNOUNCER: We are experiencing
technical difficulties. Please stay tuned.
MAN:
Are we all clear?
Okay, we're all clear. Great.
All right, hit the red button.
[BEEP]
No, not that button!
[ALARM BLARING, PEOPLE SCREAM,
OBJECTS CRASHING]
ANNOUNCER:
And now, Freakazoid!
MAN:
Spirit gum.
Ear.
Wig.
[ORGAN PLAYS EERIE INTRO]
[SINGING]
All around the mulberry bush
Guitierrez chased the weenie
The weenie thought 'twas all in fun
Crunch goes the weenie
[CACKLING]
Laugh with me.
[CACKLING]
[ROARING]
Hmph. Summon Hero Boy, both of you.
BOTH:
Hmph!
BOTH [SINGING IN HIGH VOICE]:
Hero Boy
Hero Boy
Hero Boy
That is ll.
[GUNSHOTS]
- I must succeed.
- I must succeed.
[YELLING]
[SCREAMS THEN GROANS]
! would say you did well,
don't you think?
- I did not try hard enough.
- I would say you did very nicely, though.
And the force of your punches, my word.
- The monster must've found it quite jarring.
- I have failed to succeed.
That's true. I agree you have failed
to destroy the monster.
And that's really too bad. But you have
succeeded in giving us a nice, good laugh.
[LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hero Boy, indeed.
Bad Japanese animation.
That's what it is.
- Hey, I like that show.
- Don't get me started.
Oh, this videotape just arrived.
- The messenger said it was urgent.
- Hmm.
- Put it in.
- I would.
But my back, it's rather delicate today.
[TAPE SLIDES IN]
[SCREAMS]
Hello, Freakazoid, my old, dear friend.
Guitierrez.
It has been much too long, my friend,
since we have exchanged...
...um, cordialities face to face.
- That's not a word.
- Shh.
This is something I wish to rectify
lickety-split.
Meet me at the old,
deserted wiener factory near the wharf.
- We don't have a wharf.
- Shh.
If you are not here by precisely 1 p.m.,
I will have--
Jocko, hold the camera still.
JOCKO:
Eeee.
I will have no choice...
...but to immediately vaporize
the entire world and everyone in it.
One p.m., my friend.
Goodbye.
- Jocko, fade out already.
JOCKO: Feee.
Nut bunnies. Only eight minutes.
I must succeed.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[HORN HONKS TWICE]
Hey, Freakazoid,
wanna go to Spumoniland?
GUITIERREZ: If you are not here by 1 p.m.,
I shall vaporize the world.
Okay, real quick.
Slow down, kid.
Your tummy's gonna get all urpy.
No time.
[SLURPS]
I must succeed.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Nasty litterbugs.
[CAR SPUTTERING]
Nut bunnies.
[TIRES SCREECH)]
- Fill her up. Hurry.
- Did you say, "Fill her up"?
[WHISTLES]
ALL [SINGING]:
If you want service with a smile
We will go that extra mile
- We clean windows
- Fill the tank
- Wax the hood
- No need to thank
ALL: Gasigo, we're at your service
Gasigo, that is our purpose
Gasigo, we love your car
Gasigo, we're never far
Hey, I really gotta go.
But we--
You know, we haven't finished our song.
Gasigo, we're here to please you
Gasigo, we'll never leave you
G-A-S-I-G-O
Gasigo
So put us to the test
We will strive to do our best
FREAKAZOID:
No.
I'm here. Don't do it.
GUITIERREZ:
Ah.
Jocko, prepare a sandwich for our guest.
He must be hungry from his long journey.
Now, Jocko, now.
Eeee.
You'll have to excuse Jocko.
He used to work for Bobby Knight.
- Okay, I'm here. Now, what do you want?
- I want to introduce you to someone.
Freakazoid, meet Freakazoid.
- Amazing, is it not?
- It's delicious.
- Not the sandwich. My Freakaclone.
FREAKAZOID: It's okay, I guess.
- What's in this? Pimento loaf?
- Oh, stop with the sandwich.
Using your genetic code from cyberspace,
I was able to create the Freakaclone.
Perfect in every detail,
right down to the snazzy red tights.
- Think Jocko could make me another one?
- Oh, enough with the sandwich.
Forget the sandwich.
Okay. Half a sandwich?
[GRUNTS]
Now, can we please move on
to more important topics of conversation?
Or do you want to talk
about the sandwich some mare?
A little more.
[YELLS]
What am I? Moe Howard? Oaooh!
Freakazoid, you make me crazy.
All the more reason I shall enjoy
seeing you writhe in agony...
...as you watch my Freakaclone
carry out its mission.
What's "writhe" mean?
I mean that our friend here
is going to replace you, Freakazoid.
He's about to venture into the world
posing as you...
...do terrible things, awful things...
...destroying what you value the most:
your reputation.
And where am I supposed to be
while he's doing all this stuff? Here?
Ha-ha. That is the plan.
Behold, the purest kryptonite.
Feeling weak, my friend? Oh, so weak?
That's Superman's weakness, not mine.
- Really?
- Yeah. Duh.
Oh, that stupid man at the store.
Well, then, how about this?
Does the yellow hurt your eyes,
my friend?
Getting weak? Oh, so very weak?
- That's the Green Lantern.
- Oh, shoot.
Then how about some water in your face?
Are you melting?
- Melting, my friend?
- That's the Wicked Witch.
Oh, we're wasting time.
- What is your weakness?
- Well...
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Never tell the villain
how to trap you in a cage.
GUITIERREZ: You probably shouldn't have
helped us build it either.
I know. Dumb.
So graphite bars
charged with negative ions.
- That is your weakness, huh?
- That or poo gas.
You know, it's a funny thing.
Nobody likes poo gas, my friend. Blecch.
Where's the clone, Guitierrez?
Oh, he had some errands to run.
[CACKLING]
Laugh with me, Jocko. Laugh with me.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Have a good day, Mrs. Liver.
Hope that swelling goes down.
Thank you.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
Next.
Freakazoid. Well, hey there.
How can I help you today, hon?
[TAMMY SCREAMS]
Hey, Freakazoid,
can I have your autograph?
My name's Danny Dingle.
Thanks.
DANNY: "To Danny Dingle.
ll never liked you. Freakazoid"?
[WAILING]
"And so the Freakaclone
traveled throughout the kingdom...
...doing terrible things.
People were angry.
And there was much wailing
and gnashing of teeth and--"
Bubbie, are you gonna eat that?
Mm-mm.
- Can I have it?
- Mm-hm.
"Guitierrez was very happy.
His evil plan seemed to be working."
Freakazoid continued
his bizarre crime streak today...
...by leading police on a high-speed chase
through the city.
[LAUGHS]
Go, girlfriend.
[PLAYS ORGAN]
A three-count federal indictment was
handed down against Freakazoid today...
...on charges of tax evasion, mail fraud,
and impersonating a Shriner.
Whoo-hoo. How wonderfully nasty.
Ha-ha.
Tonight on America's Most Hated:
Once a superhero, now a supercrook.
You can help us locate this man.
This is the last known picture
of Freakazoid.
And here is a computer composite
of how Freakazoid might look...
...disguised as a Shetland pony.
One of America's Most Hated.
Congratulations, Freakazoid.
Get your darn ape hands off me.
- What?
- Nothing. Sorry.
Look, just turn off the TV, Guitierrez.
I can't take it anymore.
That, my friend, is the whole point.
I want you to see
what your adoring public thinks of you now.
And I want these images
to be the last things you remember...
...before I extinguish your life.
[LAUGHS]
Laugh with me, Jocko.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
TV ANNOUNCER: /t seems we have a break
in the Freakazoid case.
Let's go now, live, to city hall.
I'm Sergeant Mike Cosgrove.
How you all doing?
It is now our belief that the Freakazoid
currently loose in the city is a clone.
[CROWD GASPS, CHATTERING]
- Yes.
WOMAN:
What leads you to believe he's a clone?
Because I invited him to go
to the Yakov Smirnoff Film Festival...
...and he said no.
CROWD: Clone!
Ugh!
[FREAKAZOID LAUGHS]
They found out, Guitierrez.
The Freakaclone may have looked like me,
but it didn't have my happy personality.
Yes, I see that now.
Well, I'll just have to create another one.
Only, this time, it will act just like you...
...because, this time,
I shall give it your brain.
Eece. Eece. Eece. Eeece.
Oh, stop that singing already.
Soon, my friend, your every thought...
...your every desire, will be transferred
into that metal cylinder.
And a new, improved Freakaclone
will be barn.
This time, it will act just like you.
But it will be evil working for me.
And at last,
I will have my revenge for this.
- Ew.
- Yes, my friend. Ew.
This is what became of me
after you threw me into the pit.
I brought along a clip,
if you'd like to see it.
Hey, that'd be great.
Do we need to set it up?
- No, I think it explains itself.
- Great. Let's run that clip.
- Where should I look?
- Right there.
Ah.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
Ah!
That's the end of the clip!
That was great.
Now, these next clips
are some of my all-time favorite bloopers.
GUITIERREZ: Now, this jaunty fellow
is going his merry way...
...when suddenly, look what happens,
and he doesn't even realize it.
Hey, chubby boy, where is your donkey?
Here, two men are trying
to get into the same pair of shorts.
Now, look at this duck.
FREAKAZOID: It's just a duck.
GUITIERREZ: No, my friend.
FREAKAZOID: It's a plain old duck.
GUITIERREZ: No.
It's a very special duck
because there is a guy in it.
Here, a giant boy scours a Dutch village
in search of cheese.
[IN DEEP VOICE]
“! want cheese. Cheese, my friends."
[NORMAL VOICE]
This chap is new to the farm...
...and he thinks
this is the way you milk a cow.
And the funny thing is it works. Ha-ha.
FREAKAZOID: Guitierrez, we really should
get back to the show now.
GUITIERREZ:
Oh, just one more clip.
This man is giving his wife kissings
and lovings...
...when, suddenly, his broker calls,
and he has to go talk to him.
[PHONE RINGS]
Then a monkey appears
and starts to kiss the woman...
...and she thinks it's the guy.
Look out, woman, it's a monkey. Ha-ha.
[SCREAMS]
- Wow, good stuff.
- Thank you.
And now...
...let us begin.
Just keep thinking those
happy little thoughts of yours, Freakazoid.
[SCREAMING]
Eece-cece-cece.
[SCREAMS]
Eece-cece-cece.
[SCREAMS]
That's it, my friend. Don't resist.
Just be yourself.
No. Can't let him take my thoughts.
Gotta think of other things.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed!
[ALARM BLARING]
[GASPS]
I must succeed!
[SIZZLING]
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
[GROANS]
No.
[GRUNTING]
You. You did this.
You told me to think happy thoughts,
so I thought about my favorite show.
But you forget, my friend, they are evil.
- Annihilate him.
ALL: We must succeed.
"Mph!
[ALL YELLING]
Ow!
- My back.
- Cut it out.
[YELLING]
[MAKES BUZZING SOUND]
HERO BOYS:
Ow!
Eeee!
Tell it to the judge.
COSGROVE:
Good job, kid.
But how come
you didn't go after Guitierrez?
Don't worry.
He's getting what he deserves.
ATTENDANTS [SINGING]:
Gasigo, we're here to please you
- Gasigo, we'll never leave you
- Be quiet!
- G-A-S-I-G-O, Gasigo
- Be quiet! Stop it!
- So put us to the test
- No more! No more! No!
On behalf of Warner Animation...
...I wanna thank you
for enjoying our fine programming. Ah!
BOTH:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
[ENGLISH SDH]