Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 9 - Sharing Kirby - full transcript
Kirby stops by KACL looking for a job, but Frasier gives him the brush-off. Niles comes across a case of rare wine, and reneges on his standing agreement to split such finds with Frasier. As revenge, Frasier dupes Niles into taking on Kirby to rearrange his library. Niles learns that Kirby has access to a reclusive man's wine collection, and tries to weasel his way in. Once Frasier also learns about it, they one-up each other trying to buy Kirby's favor for the one and only invite to the cellar.
Well, I'll have to run this by
the station manager, of course,
but barring
any unforeseen circumstances,
I believe the internship will be yours.
That would be wonderful.
But just meeting the preeminent
radio psychologist of this era
has been a most thrilling experience.
Well...
[FRASIER CHUCKLES]
So, Roz, what do you think?
I think he's a pretentious,
arrogant toady.
I love him too. Ha, ha.
Just think of it, Roz.
A triple major at Harvard University.
Why, he even plays the samisen.
Oh, come on, Roz, the samisen.
It's a Japanese
guitar-like instrument
whose strings are plucked
with a spatula. Hmm?
I can hardly wait
for the intern talent show.
Oh, I'm so excited, Roz. At last
I'll have a superior mind I can mould.
Speaking of mould,
what is he doing here?
Are you still tutoring him?
Oh, God forbid. Kirby.
- Hey, Dr. Crane.
- Hello. Ha, ha.
- Hello, Roz.
- Hi, Kirby.
What have you been doing
since I took you to my prom?
Mostly showering.
So, what brings you here,
Kirby, hmm?
I heard your station's
looking for an intern.
Radio station's looking for an intern,
you say? Uh...
I was hoping you could hook me up.
Just think, with me working here,
we'll be together,
like, 24/7, five days a week.
Okay.
I was hoping
you could go over my r?sum?.
Oh, well, uh, all right, Kirby.
Uh, although I must tell you that
the station manager
has final say in these matters.
I fudged a little bit on my job history.
So you never actually worked
at NASA.
Or Burger King. Heh.
Hey, doc. Oh, is this one
of the intern candidates?
- Uh, well...
- Kenny Daly. I'm the station manager.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm so stoked to get this job.
Oh, I like that in a candidate, doc.
He looks hungry.
That's amazing, dude,
because I am kind of hungry.
KENNY: There's a vending machine
right out there.
Hey, I love this guy.
He's a breath of fresh air.
Not like all these lvy League snobs
you've been prancing around all day.
You're not really thinking
of hiring Kirby, are you?
Of course not, Roz.
I've got my heart set on Lucius.
- Me too. He plays the samisen.
- Yes, all right.
Uh, Kirby, uh...
Listen, I'm terribly sorry
about what just happened, um...
What?
[FRASIER SIGHS]
You see, whenever Kenny sends
someone out to the candy machine,
it's a signal that that person
won't be around anymore.
We call it the Hershey's kiss-off.
Man.
I really want to get this job so I can
move in with Squoojy and Fat Tyler.
You know, live like an adult
for once in my life.
Yes, well, I am terribly sorry.
It's not your fault.
You did everything you could.
Well...
Yes, l...
You know, I tell you what.
Um, I will keep my ears open
for any opportunities, all right?
That would be great. Something in
law enforcement would be awesome.
Yes, well, that shouldn't be too difficult
considering you were trained...
...by the FBO.
[VELCRO TEARING]
- Leave it, old man.
- Oh.
It's bugging me.
I do not have high blood pressure,
and it looks ridiculous.
I think it looks handsome.
Like those armbands gladiators wore,
only inflatable.
- Ah, Daphne, Dad.
MARTIN: Hey, Fras.
- Say, how was the doctor's?
- It stunk.
Mr. Crane's pressure
read a little high,
so Dr. Stewart insisted
he wear this monitor for 48 hours.
- My, that's troubling.
DAPHNE: Don't worry.
It's just a precaution. It takes
his pressure at random intervals,
and sends the information
to a computer in the doctor's office.
FRASIER: Oh.
- Very clever.
It's not clever.
It's an invasion of my privacy.
Plus, they got me
on that damn Heart Smart diet.
Two days of salt and fat gone.
[SNAPS]
You don't get that back.
Well, stay calm
or you'll be on it forever.
Well, how can I stay calm?
Just sitting here expecting this thing
to go off any second.
I'm afraid to move.
It's like I'm a prisoner.
That's just like doctors, isn't it?
They're always finding
some new way to torture you.
Well, maybe I want
my blood pressure high.
They ever think about that? I mean...
[MONITOR BEEPS
THEN DRONING]
There it goes.
You sneaky bastard.
Uh, Dad, you know,
here's a suggestion, if I may. Um...
The next time you feel yourself
getting annoyed, take a deep breath,
and then picture your anger
as a red balloon,
drifting higher and higher
above the clouds till it disappears.
And that'll get me back on nachos?
- Well, I better get ready for work.
- Right.
Did you get my shirt back
from the cleaners?
It's in your room.
I laundered it myself.
No sense paying
for dry-cleaning a work shirt.
Well, yes, there is. I told you,
they make us buy them ourselves.
And they cost a lot of money,
you know.
Then I have to go all the way down
to the uniform supply house.
You can't park there because
of the construction going...
[MONITOR BEEPS
THEN DRONING]
No, no, no! No, wait, wait, wait!
Damn it all to hell!
Oh, you have some messages,
Dr. Crane.
A Kirby called at 4:00,
then again at 4:20 and 4:45.
It was upsetting your father.
I turned the ringer off.
Oh, dear.
I promised him I'd help him find a job.
There's so few
for which he's qualified.
And with the proliferation
of self-serve gas stations,
I'm afraid that narrows the field
even further.
Why is it your responsibility
to help him?
Well, truth is,
I really didn't do all I could
to help him get a job
at the radio station.
Poor Kirby.
You know, maybe I should just
turn the ringer back on.
[PHONE RINGS]
Maybe after dinner.
- Hello. Hey, Daphne.
- Oh, Niles.
I'll get my things. Be just a minute.
Oh, uh, care for a quick sherry
before you go?
Well, thank you.
So how was your weekend?
- Fine, and yours?
- Good.
You know,
something curious did happen though.
I was in the cheese shop
and I ran into Reynolds.
He told me
that he saw several bottles
of Ch?teau Haut Brion '61
at your place.
I wasn't aware that you had
the Brion '61.
Really? Didn't I tell you?
I stumbled across a case.
Really?
That's wonderful news, Niles.
It's virtually unattainable.
So how much do I owe you
for my half?
Ha, ha. That's very funny.
Reynolds made that same joke.
Niles, we had a deal.
Whenever I've found a case
of rare wine, I've offered you half.
I understood our deal only applied
to vintages post-1965.
That wasn't part of the agreement.
Well, I'll have to re-read it.
It was oral.
Oh, pity.
This is outrageous. I can't believe
you're cutting me out like this.
I'm sorry.
I try to be an ethical person
but wine is my weakness,
and this is really too good to share.
I see.
- I will find a way to make it up to you.
- Why don't you just sell me my half?
I said, I'll find a way
to make it up to you.
- No, you have my word.
- Really?
Your oral agreements aren't worth
the air into which they are uttered.
- Are we ready to go?
- Yeah.
Look, Daphne, I was, uh...
I was thinking rather than go
to another boring movie,
why don't we go back to my place,
and kick off our shoes,
and, uh, rearrange my library?
Are you still doing that?
You said you'd be finished by now.
Yes, he says a lot of things.
It's a bigger project
than I'd anticipated.
- Can't you hire someone to help you?
- Let someone else touch my books?
Where will I find someone with
your unimpeachable fastidiousness?
- Fastidious, you say?
NILES: Mm-hm.
You know, Niles, I believe I know
just the lad that can help you.
Kirby Gardner.
Isn't he that boy who's been calling?
Yes, yes, he's very persistent,
one of his many fine attributes.
And, you know,
I wanted to hire him myself,
but there was nothing available
for him at the station.
I don't know. My books
are the one thing I'm fussy about.
Oh, please, Niles.
It would give us more time together.
- Well, if you put it that way.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Wait.
If I hire this prot?g? of yours,
will that make us even on the wine?
Niles, you are too crafty for me.
All right, yes, very well.
That will make us even. Ha-ha-ha.
- Have a good night, you two.
- Thank you.
[FRASIER CHUCKLES]
NILES:
How's it going, Kirby?
Hope you're not getting lost
in the 17th...
Oh, look.
Kirby!
Kirby!
Hey, Dr. Crane.
What are you doing?
You're eating in my library.
You're ruining my books.
Relax, bro. I'm wearing the gloves.
Kirby! Come down here.
No, no, bring your can.
Sit down.
Kirby,
this is completely unacceptable.
L... I just cannot allow this.
- Whoa. Are you gonna fire me?
- Wha...?
I know that you have good intentions,
but I'm afraid...
[PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me.
Hello.
It's for you.
Could you find out who it is?
Who's calling, please?
It's Kristi Mulvehill.
Tell her I'll call her back.
He'll call you back.
Kirby, your friend Kristi,
she's not related
to William Mulvehill?
Yeah, that's her grandfather.
It's so weird how all you old dudes
all know each other.
Well, I don't actually know him.
Just know of him,
and his wine collection.
Wine collection.
It's famous among the old dudes.
Legendary, except he's so reclusive
no one gets to see it.
Frasier and I have tried everything
but sealing ourselves in casks
and rolling in.
Really? I go there a lot.
You've been
to the Mulvehill wine cellar?
Have you seen the bottle
that was owned by Thomas Jefferson?
Well, I'm usually with Kristi,
so, uh, I'm looking at the jugs,
not the bottles,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, I do. Ha, ha.
You know, ahem,
it would be a thrill
for a connoisseur like me
to meet William Mulvehill.
Do you think you could get me in?
I bet Kristi could.
Well, let's just get her on the phone
and ask her, shall we?
Well, I would,
but if I were unemployed,
I'd just be too depressed to talk to her.
Oh, unemployed,
what are you talking about?
That was just a few harsh words
spoken in a moment of haste.
The library
isn't challenging enough for you.
We'll find something more suited
to your particular talents.
Here's the phone.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh.
That'll be Frasier. Um...
Why don't you call from the kitchen?
Whoa.
- Do they all do that?
- No! No!
FRASIER: Niles.
- I'll be right there.
Are you ready to...?
Oh, dear.
- Is this Kirby's work?
- Mm-hm.
- Niles, I owe you an apology.
- No, no. I understand.
- I had it coming. We're even.
- Let me help you clean up.
No, don't be silly. I will be through this
in a trice. Just you scoot.
- Nonsense. Let me help.
- No. No, really, please.
- Niles, let me do...
- No.
- Please.
- Oh, hi.
Grampy Mulvehill says only
one person can go into the wine cellar.
Grampy Mulvehill?
As in William Mulvehill?
I told you.
Old dudes, they all know each other.
FRASIER:
I knew something was up.
You weren't going to tell me
about Mulvehill, were you?
I'm sorry.
- I have le vin fou.
- Don't hand me that!
That is just a flimsy excuse
for your outrageous selfishness.
And what's worse,
is you're actually using that boy.
Oh. Well, you used him
to get back at me.
Yes, well, as you said,
it made us even.
I said that to get you out of here.
Look at my library!
I hope you're happy!
I didn't think it would be this bad.
I thought the boy could at least
put a book on a shelf!
I can hear you fighting about me
from down the hall.
- You're right, I don't deserve a job.
- That's not true.
It is. Forget it.
I'm a hopeless screw-up
just like my priest said.
Kirby! Wait!
[DOOR CLOSES]
What happened?
What have we done?
Well...
Isn't it obvious, Niles?
You've hurt his feelings.
You know, I have
a special relationship with Kirby.
Maybe I'll just take him out to dinner,
smooth things over.
Well, I'm perfectly capable
of making my own apologies.
I'll take him out to dinner.
Well, you know, on second thought,
I actually did say
some rather hurtful things myself.
I think it's incumbent upon both of us
to help repair
his damaged self-esteem together.
Very well. We'll be two trained
therapists working in tandem.
Yes.
To repair the wounded innocent.
Yes. Yes, that's very high-minded
of you, Niles.
Yes. You too, Frasier.
You know, this is an utterly
altruistic act, isn't it?
Utterly as it gets.
I think we're of the same mind.
Oh, I think so too.
[DOOR OPENS]
Where have you been? I'm starving.
Sorry, I was walking Eddie.
Haven't even been to the market yet.
Oh, Daph, it's almost 6:00.
How many times do I have to...?
Red balloon.
It's all right.
Well, good for you.
And I'll nip out to the market now.
No, don't bother.
Let's just open a can of soup.
FRASIER:
Well, I'm off.
- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thank you.
You took the batteries
out of my remote.
Gosh, I'm sorry, Dad.
I needed them for my foot spa.
And you had to take them
out of the one thing
I need batteries for in this house?
God forbid your royal feet
go without eucalyptus...
Dad.
That's all right.
There's gotta be some other way
to switch the channels.
DAPHNE:
Bye.
Well, I'll go and open
that can of soup.
Oh, would you turn the game on?
Sports?
Hmm, might be a bit too exciting.
Why don't we just watch
a nice, soothing movie?
- Like what?
- How about Message in a Bottle?
Is that one of those movies that takes
45 minutes for anything to happen,
and then you're sorry it did?
If you don't like that, we could watch
To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday.
- You pick.
- Yes.
- Niles.
- Well, imagine my surprise
seeing the two of you here,
when the three of us have reservations
for dinner at Le Cigare Volant
in half an hour.
Hi, Dr. Crane. Dr. Crane invited me
here for a before-dinner cocoa.
Isn't that nice?
Frasier, may I have a word?
Yes, of course, Niles.
Kirby, we'll be right back.
All right.
Now, before you get started,
I brought the boy here in order
to ease him into this.
I was afraid that the sight of us might
bring up some unpleasant memories.
I see.
So this has nothing to do with you
trying to get into Grampy Mulvehill's
wine cellar instead of me?
The fact that you even said that
speaks volumes about you.
Let's get back before the boy
starts to think we're talking about him.
We're back now.
Kirby, I just want to tell you
how sorry I am
for both Frasier
and my behaviour earlier.
It's no problem. I forgave you
as soon as I got that DVD player
you sent me.
Niles, may I see you for a moment?
- DVD player?
- Okay.
You caught me in a selfish moment.
I was trying to assuage my guilt
for the way I treated him.
You weren't trying to buy loyalty so you
could benefit from your connection,
reviving your woefully flagging
reputation in the wine community?
I categorically deny that.
So you did it just to burn me?
- I deny that.
- But not categorically.
Frasier, do I have to remind you
that this is not about us,
it's about Kirby,
whom we've abandoned
in order to have this petty spat.
FRASIER:
We're back again.
So, Kirby, where were we?
You were asking me
about Grampy's wine cellar.
- Frasier?
- Not now, Niles.
Fine. I was going to leave this
till later, but...
Kirby, I saw these,
and I thought of you.
No way!
Thirteens. How'd you know my size?
Oh, I measured the footprint you left
in doughnut powder on my floor,
you rascal.
These are awesome.
Aren't they, Dr. Crane?
Oh, yes, indeed they are, Kirby.
You know, you're going to need
some togs to go with them.
I have an account at Bidwells.
What do you say I call them
and set you up?
Wow, thanks.
I never had togs before.
You guys are so great,
the way you keep trying to build up
my self-esteem and all.
I wish there was some way
I could take you both to the wine cellar.
But I can't.
- Niles.
- Frasier.
Do you believe the nerve of this boy,
pitting us against each other?
We're not going to be manipulated.
We certainly aren't.
All right, let's put a stop to it right now.
All right,
I'm afraid your little game is up.
- And I wanna tell you something else...
- A hundred dollars.
- Two hundred dollars.
- Three hundred dollars.
Five hundred dollars!
- Kirby, have you ever been to Vegas?
FRASIER: He can't go to Vegas.
He'll be too busy
interning at the radio station.
No way.
I got the job?
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
You just got yourself a wine tour.
Well, and thank you, Kirby.
Ha, ha!
This is so awesome.
And I promise I will not let you down.
I'm gonna soak up as much
as I can from you.
I'm gonna be like your shadow.
You and me, Dr. Crane.
From now on.
You know,
we should probably car pool to work.
- Niles, could I see you for a moment?
- No.
Isn't this the most romantic thing
you've ever seen?
If you say so.
There's no greater passion than that
between a woman and a ghost.
[SNIFFS]
[PHONE RINGING]
I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh, uh, yeah?
Really?
I don't have to wear it anymore?
That's great.
Yeah, thanks, Dr. Stewart.
- Who was that?
- Dr. Stewart.
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
Hmm, I suppose you'll want me
to put the game on then.
Well, uh, actually, he said there was
a bit of a foul-up with the computer,
and, uh, maybe I should wear it
for a couple more hours.
Well, that's too bad.
Do you want me to rewind?
If you're gonna keep talking!
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
the station manager, of course,
but barring
any unforeseen circumstances,
I believe the internship will be yours.
That would be wonderful.
But just meeting the preeminent
radio psychologist of this era
has been a most thrilling experience.
Well...
[FRASIER CHUCKLES]
So, Roz, what do you think?
I think he's a pretentious,
arrogant toady.
I love him too. Ha, ha.
Just think of it, Roz.
A triple major at Harvard University.
Why, he even plays the samisen.
Oh, come on, Roz, the samisen.
It's a Japanese
guitar-like instrument
whose strings are plucked
with a spatula. Hmm?
I can hardly wait
for the intern talent show.
Oh, I'm so excited, Roz. At last
I'll have a superior mind I can mould.
Speaking of mould,
what is he doing here?
Are you still tutoring him?
Oh, God forbid. Kirby.
- Hey, Dr. Crane.
- Hello. Ha, ha.
- Hello, Roz.
- Hi, Kirby.
What have you been doing
since I took you to my prom?
Mostly showering.
So, what brings you here,
Kirby, hmm?
I heard your station's
looking for an intern.
Radio station's looking for an intern,
you say? Uh...
I was hoping you could hook me up.
Just think, with me working here,
we'll be together,
like, 24/7, five days a week.
Okay.
I was hoping
you could go over my r?sum?.
Oh, well, uh, all right, Kirby.
Uh, although I must tell you that
the station manager
has final say in these matters.
I fudged a little bit on my job history.
So you never actually worked
at NASA.
Or Burger King. Heh.
Hey, doc. Oh, is this one
of the intern candidates?
- Uh, well...
- Kenny Daly. I'm the station manager.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm so stoked to get this job.
Oh, I like that in a candidate, doc.
He looks hungry.
That's amazing, dude,
because I am kind of hungry.
KENNY: There's a vending machine
right out there.
Hey, I love this guy.
He's a breath of fresh air.
Not like all these lvy League snobs
you've been prancing around all day.
You're not really thinking
of hiring Kirby, are you?
Of course not, Roz.
I've got my heart set on Lucius.
- Me too. He plays the samisen.
- Yes, all right.
Uh, Kirby, uh...
Listen, I'm terribly sorry
about what just happened, um...
What?
[FRASIER SIGHS]
You see, whenever Kenny sends
someone out to the candy machine,
it's a signal that that person
won't be around anymore.
We call it the Hershey's kiss-off.
Man.
I really want to get this job so I can
move in with Squoojy and Fat Tyler.
You know, live like an adult
for once in my life.
Yes, well, I am terribly sorry.
It's not your fault.
You did everything you could.
Well...
Yes, l...
You know, I tell you what.
Um, I will keep my ears open
for any opportunities, all right?
That would be great. Something in
law enforcement would be awesome.
Yes, well, that shouldn't be too difficult
considering you were trained...
...by the FBO.
[VELCRO TEARING]
- Leave it, old man.
- Oh.
It's bugging me.
I do not have high blood pressure,
and it looks ridiculous.
I think it looks handsome.
Like those armbands gladiators wore,
only inflatable.
- Ah, Daphne, Dad.
MARTIN: Hey, Fras.
- Say, how was the doctor's?
- It stunk.
Mr. Crane's pressure
read a little high,
so Dr. Stewart insisted
he wear this monitor for 48 hours.
- My, that's troubling.
DAPHNE: Don't worry.
It's just a precaution. It takes
his pressure at random intervals,
and sends the information
to a computer in the doctor's office.
FRASIER: Oh.
- Very clever.
It's not clever.
It's an invasion of my privacy.
Plus, they got me
on that damn Heart Smart diet.
Two days of salt and fat gone.
[SNAPS]
You don't get that back.
Well, stay calm
or you'll be on it forever.
Well, how can I stay calm?
Just sitting here expecting this thing
to go off any second.
I'm afraid to move.
It's like I'm a prisoner.
That's just like doctors, isn't it?
They're always finding
some new way to torture you.
Well, maybe I want
my blood pressure high.
They ever think about that? I mean...
[MONITOR BEEPS
THEN DRONING]
There it goes.
You sneaky bastard.
Uh, Dad, you know,
here's a suggestion, if I may. Um...
The next time you feel yourself
getting annoyed, take a deep breath,
and then picture your anger
as a red balloon,
drifting higher and higher
above the clouds till it disappears.
And that'll get me back on nachos?
- Well, I better get ready for work.
- Right.
Did you get my shirt back
from the cleaners?
It's in your room.
I laundered it myself.
No sense paying
for dry-cleaning a work shirt.
Well, yes, there is. I told you,
they make us buy them ourselves.
And they cost a lot of money,
you know.
Then I have to go all the way down
to the uniform supply house.
You can't park there because
of the construction going...
[MONITOR BEEPS
THEN DRONING]
No, no, no! No, wait, wait, wait!
Damn it all to hell!
Oh, you have some messages,
Dr. Crane.
A Kirby called at 4:00,
then again at 4:20 and 4:45.
It was upsetting your father.
I turned the ringer off.
Oh, dear.
I promised him I'd help him find a job.
There's so few
for which he's qualified.
And with the proliferation
of self-serve gas stations,
I'm afraid that narrows the field
even further.
Why is it your responsibility
to help him?
Well, truth is,
I really didn't do all I could
to help him get a job
at the radio station.
Poor Kirby.
You know, maybe I should just
turn the ringer back on.
[PHONE RINGS]
Maybe after dinner.
- Hello. Hey, Daphne.
- Oh, Niles.
I'll get my things. Be just a minute.
Oh, uh, care for a quick sherry
before you go?
Well, thank you.
So how was your weekend?
- Fine, and yours?
- Good.
You know,
something curious did happen though.
I was in the cheese shop
and I ran into Reynolds.
He told me
that he saw several bottles
of Ch?teau Haut Brion '61
at your place.
I wasn't aware that you had
the Brion '61.
Really? Didn't I tell you?
I stumbled across a case.
Really?
That's wonderful news, Niles.
It's virtually unattainable.
So how much do I owe you
for my half?
Ha, ha. That's very funny.
Reynolds made that same joke.
Niles, we had a deal.
Whenever I've found a case
of rare wine, I've offered you half.
I understood our deal only applied
to vintages post-1965.
That wasn't part of the agreement.
Well, I'll have to re-read it.
It was oral.
Oh, pity.
This is outrageous. I can't believe
you're cutting me out like this.
I'm sorry.
I try to be an ethical person
but wine is my weakness,
and this is really too good to share.
I see.
- I will find a way to make it up to you.
- Why don't you just sell me my half?
I said, I'll find a way
to make it up to you.
- No, you have my word.
- Really?
Your oral agreements aren't worth
the air into which they are uttered.
- Are we ready to go?
- Yeah.
Look, Daphne, I was, uh...
I was thinking rather than go
to another boring movie,
why don't we go back to my place,
and kick off our shoes,
and, uh, rearrange my library?
Are you still doing that?
You said you'd be finished by now.
Yes, he says a lot of things.
It's a bigger project
than I'd anticipated.
- Can't you hire someone to help you?
- Let someone else touch my books?
Where will I find someone with
your unimpeachable fastidiousness?
- Fastidious, you say?
NILES: Mm-hm.
You know, Niles, I believe I know
just the lad that can help you.
Kirby Gardner.
Isn't he that boy who's been calling?
Yes, yes, he's very persistent,
one of his many fine attributes.
And, you know,
I wanted to hire him myself,
but there was nothing available
for him at the station.
I don't know. My books
are the one thing I'm fussy about.
Oh, please, Niles.
It would give us more time together.
- Well, if you put it that way.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Wait.
If I hire this prot?g? of yours,
will that make us even on the wine?
Niles, you are too crafty for me.
All right, yes, very well.
That will make us even. Ha-ha-ha.
- Have a good night, you two.
- Thank you.
[FRASIER CHUCKLES]
NILES:
How's it going, Kirby?
Hope you're not getting lost
in the 17th...
Oh, look.
Kirby!
Kirby!
Hey, Dr. Crane.
What are you doing?
You're eating in my library.
You're ruining my books.
Relax, bro. I'm wearing the gloves.
Kirby! Come down here.
No, no, bring your can.
Sit down.
Kirby,
this is completely unacceptable.
L... I just cannot allow this.
- Whoa. Are you gonna fire me?
- Wha...?
I know that you have good intentions,
but I'm afraid...
[PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me.
Hello.
It's for you.
Could you find out who it is?
Who's calling, please?
It's Kristi Mulvehill.
Tell her I'll call her back.
He'll call you back.
Kirby, your friend Kristi,
she's not related
to William Mulvehill?
Yeah, that's her grandfather.
It's so weird how all you old dudes
all know each other.
Well, I don't actually know him.
Just know of him,
and his wine collection.
Wine collection.
It's famous among the old dudes.
Legendary, except he's so reclusive
no one gets to see it.
Frasier and I have tried everything
but sealing ourselves in casks
and rolling in.
Really? I go there a lot.
You've been
to the Mulvehill wine cellar?
Have you seen the bottle
that was owned by Thomas Jefferson?
Well, I'm usually with Kristi,
so, uh, I'm looking at the jugs,
not the bottles,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, I do. Ha, ha.
You know, ahem,
it would be a thrill
for a connoisseur like me
to meet William Mulvehill.
Do you think you could get me in?
I bet Kristi could.
Well, let's just get her on the phone
and ask her, shall we?
Well, I would,
but if I were unemployed,
I'd just be too depressed to talk to her.
Oh, unemployed,
what are you talking about?
That was just a few harsh words
spoken in a moment of haste.
The library
isn't challenging enough for you.
We'll find something more suited
to your particular talents.
Here's the phone.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh.
That'll be Frasier. Um...
Why don't you call from the kitchen?
Whoa.
- Do they all do that?
- No! No!
FRASIER: Niles.
- I'll be right there.
Are you ready to...?
Oh, dear.
- Is this Kirby's work?
- Mm-hm.
- Niles, I owe you an apology.
- No, no. I understand.
- I had it coming. We're even.
- Let me help you clean up.
No, don't be silly. I will be through this
in a trice. Just you scoot.
- Nonsense. Let me help.
- No. No, really, please.
- Niles, let me do...
- No.
- Please.
- Oh, hi.
Grampy Mulvehill says only
one person can go into the wine cellar.
Grampy Mulvehill?
As in William Mulvehill?
I told you.
Old dudes, they all know each other.
FRASIER:
I knew something was up.
You weren't going to tell me
about Mulvehill, were you?
I'm sorry.
- I have le vin fou.
- Don't hand me that!
That is just a flimsy excuse
for your outrageous selfishness.
And what's worse,
is you're actually using that boy.
Oh. Well, you used him
to get back at me.
Yes, well, as you said,
it made us even.
I said that to get you out of here.
Look at my library!
I hope you're happy!
I didn't think it would be this bad.
I thought the boy could at least
put a book on a shelf!
I can hear you fighting about me
from down the hall.
- You're right, I don't deserve a job.
- That's not true.
It is. Forget it.
I'm a hopeless screw-up
just like my priest said.
Kirby! Wait!
[DOOR CLOSES]
What happened?
What have we done?
Well...
Isn't it obvious, Niles?
You've hurt his feelings.
You know, I have
a special relationship with Kirby.
Maybe I'll just take him out to dinner,
smooth things over.
Well, I'm perfectly capable
of making my own apologies.
I'll take him out to dinner.
Well, you know, on second thought,
I actually did say
some rather hurtful things myself.
I think it's incumbent upon both of us
to help repair
his damaged self-esteem together.
Very well. We'll be two trained
therapists working in tandem.
Yes.
To repair the wounded innocent.
Yes. Yes, that's very high-minded
of you, Niles.
Yes. You too, Frasier.
You know, this is an utterly
altruistic act, isn't it?
Utterly as it gets.
I think we're of the same mind.
Oh, I think so too.
[DOOR OPENS]
Where have you been? I'm starving.
Sorry, I was walking Eddie.
Haven't even been to the market yet.
Oh, Daph, it's almost 6:00.
How many times do I have to...?
Red balloon.
It's all right.
Well, good for you.
And I'll nip out to the market now.
No, don't bother.
Let's just open a can of soup.
FRASIER:
Well, I'm off.
- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thank you.
You took the batteries
out of my remote.
Gosh, I'm sorry, Dad.
I needed them for my foot spa.
And you had to take them
out of the one thing
I need batteries for in this house?
God forbid your royal feet
go without eucalyptus...
Dad.
That's all right.
There's gotta be some other way
to switch the channels.
DAPHNE:
Bye.
Well, I'll go and open
that can of soup.
Oh, would you turn the game on?
Sports?
Hmm, might be a bit too exciting.
Why don't we just watch
a nice, soothing movie?
- Like what?
- How about Message in a Bottle?
Is that one of those movies that takes
45 minutes for anything to happen,
and then you're sorry it did?
If you don't like that, we could watch
To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday.
- You pick.
- Yes.
- Niles.
- Well, imagine my surprise
seeing the two of you here,
when the three of us have reservations
for dinner at Le Cigare Volant
in half an hour.
Hi, Dr. Crane. Dr. Crane invited me
here for a before-dinner cocoa.
Isn't that nice?
Frasier, may I have a word?
Yes, of course, Niles.
Kirby, we'll be right back.
All right.
Now, before you get started,
I brought the boy here in order
to ease him into this.
I was afraid that the sight of us might
bring up some unpleasant memories.
I see.
So this has nothing to do with you
trying to get into Grampy Mulvehill's
wine cellar instead of me?
The fact that you even said that
speaks volumes about you.
Let's get back before the boy
starts to think we're talking about him.
We're back now.
Kirby, I just want to tell you
how sorry I am
for both Frasier
and my behaviour earlier.
It's no problem. I forgave you
as soon as I got that DVD player
you sent me.
Niles, may I see you for a moment?
- DVD player?
- Okay.
You caught me in a selfish moment.
I was trying to assuage my guilt
for the way I treated him.
You weren't trying to buy loyalty so you
could benefit from your connection,
reviving your woefully flagging
reputation in the wine community?
I categorically deny that.
So you did it just to burn me?
- I deny that.
- But not categorically.
Frasier, do I have to remind you
that this is not about us,
it's about Kirby,
whom we've abandoned
in order to have this petty spat.
FRASIER:
We're back again.
So, Kirby, where were we?
You were asking me
about Grampy's wine cellar.
- Frasier?
- Not now, Niles.
Fine. I was going to leave this
till later, but...
Kirby, I saw these,
and I thought of you.
No way!
Thirteens. How'd you know my size?
Oh, I measured the footprint you left
in doughnut powder on my floor,
you rascal.
These are awesome.
Aren't they, Dr. Crane?
Oh, yes, indeed they are, Kirby.
You know, you're going to need
some togs to go with them.
I have an account at Bidwells.
What do you say I call them
and set you up?
Wow, thanks.
I never had togs before.
You guys are so great,
the way you keep trying to build up
my self-esteem and all.
I wish there was some way
I could take you both to the wine cellar.
But I can't.
- Niles.
- Frasier.
Do you believe the nerve of this boy,
pitting us against each other?
We're not going to be manipulated.
We certainly aren't.
All right, let's put a stop to it right now.
All right,
I'm afraid your little game is up.
- And I wanna tell you something else...
- A hundred dollars.
- Two hundred dollars.
- Three hundred dollars.
Five hundred dollars!
- Kirby, have you ever been to Vegas?
FRASIER: He can't go to Vegas.
He'll be too busy
interning at the radio station.
No way.
I got the job?
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
You just got yourself a wine tour.
Well, and thank you, Kirby.
Ha, ha!
This is so awesome.
And I promise I will not let you down.
I'm gonna soak up as much
as I can from you.
I'm gonna be like your shadow.
You and me, Dr. Crane.
From now on.
You know,
we should probably car pool to work.
- Niles, could I see you for a moment?
- No.
Isn't this the most romantic thing
you've ever seen?
If you say so.
There's no greater passion than that
between a woman and a ghost.
[SNIFFS]
[PHONE RINGING]
I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh, uh, yeah?
Really?
I don't have to wear it anymore?
That's great.
Yeah, thanks, Dr. Stewart.
- Who was that?
- Dr. Stewart.
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
Hmm, I suppose you'll want me
to put the game on then.
Well, uh, actually, he said there was
a bit of a foul-up with the computer,
and, uh, maybe I should wear it
for a couple more hours.
Well, that's too bad.
Do you want me to rewind?
If you're gonna keep talking!
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]