Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 8 - The Two Hundredth - full transcript

Welcome back, Seattle.

Thank you for joining us
in celebrating this,

our 2000th show.

- Hard to believe, isn't it, Roz?
- No, that feels just about right.

Ah, yes, well,
what a festive day this is.

No stop has been unpulled.

I would like to take this opportunity

to acknowledge
the anniversary luncheon spread

provided by our friends
at Se?or Jos? Phong,

home of the sweet and sour taco.

And don't forget, a little later,



we'll have Microsoft Chairman
Bill Gates live in studio

to congratulate me on
my 2000th show.

Apparently, I hear through
the grapevine,

he is a big fan.

[LAUGHS]

Roz, what do we have next?

It's time for another blooper.

Oh, well, I believe we're up
to number four

as voted by you, the listeners.

Here's what happened
when a certain producer

didn't realise her microphone
was on during the show.

[LAUGHS]

ROZ [ON RADIO]:
Now what the **** is this?

You call this a ******* paycheque?



How the ****
am I supposed to live on this ****?

I'm gonna have a little word with that
***damn station manager

walking around here like
he owns the mother****ing place.

I can't believe
that wasn't voted number one.

Oh, ha, ladies and gentlemen,
it's our station manager,

KACL's own Kenny Daly. Ha, ha.

Listen, doc, I got a special someone
out there who'd like to say hello.

By all means,
let's bring him in, Kenny.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our special guest has finally arrived.

Please welcome...

[BARKS]

[AIRHORN BLOWS]

- Bulldog?
- Great to see you, doc. Hey, Roz.

FRASIER:
Well, ladies and gentlemen,

it's our old friend and former colleague,
Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe.

Thanks for coming
to celebrate my 2000th show.

Yeah, yeah, congrats.
Didn't think you'd last two weeks.

Listen up, sports fans, Bulldog here.

I know what you're all thinking:
Bulldog's been gone too long.

How can you get me back on the air?
Okay, listen up.

You send your cards and letters
of support to Kenny Daly, KACL...

Hold on, hold on, Bulldog!
Our special guest has arrived.

- P.O. Box 451, Seattle...
- Bulldog!

Would you and your noisemaker
please wait in Roz's booth?

- This is an air horn, doc.
- Yes, I was referring

to that flapping hole above your chin.
Now get out!

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's please welcome

Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates.

Ha, ha. Good to see you, sir.

- Sorry I was late.
- Oh, that's all right.

- I was just talking to an old friend.
- Yes, ha, ha.

Well, I've... I've got
so many questions to ask you.

Uh, why don't we just dive right in?

I've been wondering,

when did you first
become a fan of my show?

Excuse me.
Warren from Kirkland is on Line 2.

Ye... Yes, Roz. I won't be taking
any calls until after Mr. Gates has left.

- Actually, it's for Mr. Gates.
FRASIER: Well, um...

Go ahead, caller.
You're on with Mister Bill Gates.

WARREN [ON PHONE]:
Yeah, hi, Mr. Gates.

I bought your new
Windows XP programme,

and I'm about to instal it,
but it's an upgrade.

- Do I need to make a boot disc?
- That's a very good question.

You don't need to make a boot disk.

You just put the CD in,
and it'll upgrade.

I hope that answers your question.

That's a feature of XP,
very quick, very smooth.

- Hey, this is fun.
FRASIER: Ah.

Thank you for calling, Warren.

Now, where were we?

Can Mr. Gates take a few more calls?
The board is lighting up. Wow.

Who knew we had a Line 7?

Uh, Roz, I believe Mr. Gates
is probably anxious

- to get on with the interview.
- No, no, I'm... I'm happy to.

Very well.

Go ahead, caller.

WOMAN CALLER [ON PHONE]:
Wow, Bill Gates. This is so cool.

Thank you.

WOMAN CALLER [ON PHONE]:
Hey, I have a question

about Multilingual User Interface
add-ons. What are those?

BILL:
Well, the Multilingual add-ons

let you run Windows in different
languages. You can use it in German...

Do you believe this
egomaniacal gasbag?

He's taking over my show.

Don't you think
you're exaggerating just a bit?

Who do we have next, Roz?

We have Bob from Fremont.
He has a question about his laptop.

Go ahead, Bob.

I'm listening.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Two thousand shows, ha-ha-ha.

NILES: Hurry up, Frasier,
we're gonna miss the reservation.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

[HUMMING]

[GASPS]

Two thousand shows.
That's quite a milestone.

It is. Can anyone tell me
what happened today?

I forgot to listen.

I just listened for five minutes

in case he asked me
what my favourite part was.

I just say the call from Tacoma.

There's bound to be
a call from Tacoma.

Excuse me.

Could I see all of you
in my room for just a jiff?

- Come on, I'm hungry.
- I know. I am too.

FRASIER:
Okay, are we all here?

- Good.
- What's wrong?

Something is amiss.

I'll say. I always thought
that was a sweater cubby.

Well, it's not.
This is a collection of all my shows.

I was just examining my collection
when I realised that someone...

...had placed one of my tapes...

...upside down.

[MARTIN GASPS]

What kind of sick, twisted...?

Well, turn it right-side up
and let's go eat.

- You probably did it yourself.
- All right, conceivably.

But I guarantee you, I would never
have removed my tape from the case

and replaced it with
The Best of Hall and Oates.

All right, I won't be mad.

Just tell me who did this.

Nobody did this?

Tell you what. I did it.
Now, can we go eat?

FRASIER:
Not so fast, Dad.

Okay.

- Let's examine the evidence.
ALL: Oh, no.

A Hall and Oates tape.

That rules you out, Dad.

And it definitely rules out Niles.

- Dr. Crane...
- Or does it?

Perhaps the tape
was just a red herring,

meant to throw me off the scent.

A psychological game.

There's only one of you
that would combat me on that level.

- I did it!
- Ah-ha!

You can't say, "ah-ha."
You thought it was me.

- Why'd you do it, Daphne?
- I didn't mean to.

I was trying to listen to a tape in that
boom box you gave me for Christmas,

only I wasn't getting any sound,

and I didn't know if it were the tape
or the boom box,

and I didn't have any other tapes,

so I grabbed one of your tapes
just to test the boom box out.

And it turns out
it was the boom box after all.

Only then,
I couldn't get it out of the boom box,

so I used a screwdriver to pry it out,
and I broke the tape. I'm so sorry.

- Oh, there, there, Daphne...
- Stand down, Niles.

Daphne.

Do you realise what you've done?

This isn't like any normal tape

that you can just go down to
your local music shop and purchase.

It's unique and irreplaceable.

Can't you just get the station
to make you a copy?

Unless I get the station
to make me another copy,

which, or course, I can.

The only transgression here

is that Daphne didn't come to me
with the truth.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane.

I will never lie to you again.

Well, then, if that's
what you learned, it was all worth it.

So, what are we all sitting here for?

I believe we have
a 2000th show to celebrate.

NILES: Here, here.
- So, did you all listen?

NILES: Oh, did we.
MARTIN: It was great.

DAPHNE: I especially liked
that call from Tacoma.

Oh, which one?

You know, in nine years,

this is the first time
I've been down to the archives.

- Oh, my God. I remember this place.
- Really?

I came down here once
after a Christmas party.

Whatever for?

Well, I had
a little too much champagne,

and you know how you get
a little lonely around the holiday?

Brings back memories, huh, Roz?

- Bulldog!
- That was some Christmas, huh?

When Santa left
a bit of Bulldog in your stockings.

[LAUGHS]

You're disgusting.

What, I went too far? I'm sorry.
Why don't, uh, you come back here?

I'll slip you an apology.

Bulldog's still got it!

Bulldog, what the hell
are you doing here?

Oh, this is, uh, this is my new job.

I, uh, catalogue the archive.

You know, I clean up a bit,

but, uh, I figure
I'll be back on the air in no time,

as long as I attack this job
with my trademark "can-do" attitude.

Great. Well, then, we're looking for
a copy of my show, episode 893.

- No can do.
- What?

What, I only been here an hour.
I don't even know where the john is.

Where...?

Where's my PowerBar?

I had a PowerBar here.

Someone stole my PowerBar!
This stinks!

This is total B. S!
This is... Oh, here it is.

Frasier, here's a box marked
"Best of Crane."

Oh, uh, thanks, Roz.
Let's have a look. Ah, good.

What...?

There's just a few tapes in here.

- All right, keep looking.
- Oh, hey, doc.

Kenny, just the man
I was looking for.

Listen, where are all the tapes
of my shows kept?

You got them, right there.

- Well, where are the rest of them?
- Yes.

There are no rest.
We record over them.

I mean, look around, doc,
we got a space problem here.

Hey, Kenny, where do you want me
to put these snow tyres?

Oh, put them
right next to my kids' bikes.

FRASIER:
Good afternoon, Seattle.

Before we go to the phones,
I have a boon to ask of you.

If any of you happens to have
in your possession

a tape of my broadcast

from June 14, 1996,

I am in need of a copy.

You see, I understand that
from time to time

people who call in to my show
record it,

perhaps in order to...
To review my advice,

or even just play it for some friends.

Now, I realise that
this is a bit of a long shot,

but it is the only missing tape
of my collection,

and therefore, of course,
has great sentimental value.

Thanks for your consideration.
Now, Roz, who's our first caller?

We have Joe from Vashon Island
on Line 1.

Go ahead, Joe, I'm listening.

JOE [ON PHONE]:
About that missing tape.

- Yes, yes?
JOE [ON PHONE]: Yeah,

I know what you're going through.

A couple years ago, I was in
a taxicab and lost a gold cufflink.

Yes, and this relates
to my missing tape how?

JOE [ON PHONE]:
Well, it's missing, and I'm bummed.

It has the initials J.S. On it.

If anyone finds it,
I'd love to have it back.

Yes, um, I'm sure you would,
but unless it's about my missing tape,

well, then I would prefer
to stick to calls

about mental and emotional issues,
as usual.

Thank you for your call.

Who's our next caller, Roz?

We have Phyllis from Green Lake.

Phyllis, go ahead, I'm listening.

PHYLLIS [ON PHONE]:
My cat ran away last Wednesday.

She's orange with a white chest and
one white paw. Her name is...

Wait, wait, Phyllis...

PHYLLIS [ON PHONE]:
So if anyone...

All right, hold on, hold on a minute.

All right, now listen to me, people,

I don't want to turn this show into
the lost and found bin of the airwaves.

Phyllis, I'm gonna let you
finish your description,

and then we're going back
to our regular show. All right?

PHYLLIS [ON PHONE]:
Okay. She has green eyes,

a rhinestone collar,
and when she's happy...

Let's recap.

Uh, in the last three hours,

we have located
a missing engagement ring,

one lost cufflink,

two missing cats,

and we've actually reunited Eric from
Belltown with his biological parents.

Still, sadly,
no sign of my missing tape.

To that end, listeners,

please scour your attics, basements,
hope chests, whatever.

Meantime, this is Dr. Frasier Crane,

wishing you good day
and good mental health.

And don't forget
to look behind things.

- I'm sorry, Frasier.
- Oh...

That's all right, Roz.
I mean, it'll turn up.

I mean, it's only the first day.
Word will get around.

I'm... I'm sure somebody
has that tape.

I just don't want you
to get your hopes up too high.

Chances are
that tape is gone for good.

Well, if that's the case, then so be it.

Life will go on, ha, ha.

DAPHNE:
Hello, Dr. Crane.

How was your nap?

It was lovely.

Daphne, could you make me
a cup of tea, please,

and whatever meal would be
appropriate to this time of day?

Dr. Crane,
you've been in bed all weekend.

How about going for a nice walk?

No, thanks.

Well, how about
going to a movie then?

Take your mind off your troubles.

My car's in the shop.

You could take public transportation.

[LAUGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I wonder who this could be.

Oh, look, it's your brother Niles,
here for a visit.

Hello, Frasier, how are we today?

What the hell is wrong
with the two of you?

You'd think I'd been found
walking through the park

in my underwear, talking to pigeons.

- Would we like a walk in the park?
- Oh, good God.

All right, all right.
Frasier, Frasier, wait.

Hey, looking good, buddy.

- Not any better, huh?
- No, and I feel just awful.

- This is all my fault.
- Oh, come on.

I'm the one who ruined
his treasured collection.

Oh, all his crap is treasured.

But look, don't feel bad.
I've broken lots of his stuff.

I've never heard of you
breaking anything.

Well, that's because I know
how to cover my tracks.

Take a look at that fertility god statue
over there.

It used to be a lot more fertile,
if you know what I mean.

Oh, my God! This is a Tootsie Roll!

- That's brilliant!
- Oh, that's nothing.

Here, check out this vase.

Two years ago Eddie and I
were horsing around.

I knocked it over. It took me hours
to glue it back together again.

Why, you can't even tell.

I had no idea you were so devious.

Ha. Come on, I'll show you
how to make ginger ale

look like 50-year-old brandy.

Listen, Niles, I appreciate
your concern, I really do, but, frankly,

I am in no mood to endure therapy
with my younger brother,

- no matter how well-intentioned.
- I'm not trying to butt in,

I'm just curious as to
why this tape matters so much to you.

Do you ever listen to these?

Once.

When I had a date over.

It proved a useful mood-setter.

Okay.

Well, tell me this, then.

Do you ever intend to listen
to any of the others?

I don't know.

So why is it so important to you
to have each and every one of them?

Because it's a collection, Niles.
That's what a collection is.

Is it possible that a harmless collection
has become an unhealthy obsession?

- It's... It's just a hobby, all right?
- Or an obsession.

- Yeah, an eccentricity.
- Or an obsession.

It, you know, it's a quirk.

That's it. I'm quirky.
I'm delightfully quirky.

Do you realise that your delightful quirk
has brought your life to a standstill?

Niles, I've just finished
my 2000th show.

I'm exhausted,
physically and emotionally.

I believe that I am entitled to
an entire weekend of doing nothing,

don't you?

You know,
you have your pyjamas on backwards.

Another delightful quirk of mine.

Not from where I'm sitting.

Hey, Fras, the station called.
Some guy has your tape.

Oh, uh, well, thanks, Dad.

Yes, well, uh, I'll tend to this
by and by.

- All right, I'll get the car.
- I'll put on pants.

Zipper goes in front!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hello.
- Hello, yes, Dr. Crane.

Please come in.
Make yourself at home.

You must be Tom.

And you must be
the greatest radio talk show host ever.

Oh, ha, ha. You can call me Frasier.

- I think I'll wait outside.
- Oh.

I didn't know
you were bringing someone.

Oh, Tom, uh,
this is my brother, Niles.

- Oh.
- Hello, Tom.

Hi. Yes. Yeah, didn't you, uh, fill in
on Frasier's show a couple of times?

Oh, yes, actually I did.

Yeah, yeah, you were...
You were all right.

- Oh, well, you flatter me.
- Huh. So, what's it like?

- Excuse me?
- Being Frasier Crane's brother.

Being able to talk to him
any time you want,

having access to that
great mind 24 hours a day?

- You know, I think I left my lights on.
- No, no, no, please don't leave yet.

Please. If you don't mind,

I was hoping that you would
take a picture of Frasier and I.

Well, uh, of course he doesn't mind.

Uh, actually, I even brought along
an 8-by-10 photo, ha, ha.

Personalized, of course.
There we are.

Oh, my, that's...

- That's really... I don't know...
- Well, I thought you might like that.

Yes, I'll... I'll...
I'll have to do some rearranging,

but... But don't worry,
I'll find some room for it somewhere.

I, uh, thought that was a window.

Yes, well, it was.

Okay, I'm gonna go get the camera.

Frasier,
this man is deeply disturbed.

Why? Because he has
a few pictures of me on his wall?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

The man is obviously
obsessed with you.

Oh, what is it with you?
I'm obsessed, he's obsessed.

I think you're the one who's obsessed
with being obsessed.

Okay, I apologise.
He's delightfully quirky.

FRASIER [ON PHONE]:
Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.

WOMAN [ON PHONE]:
This is your mother.

Call me, and change
that stupid message already.

Oh, Mom, get a life why don't you.

Okay, here we go.

Now, I want to record
this historic moment,

because I don't want
to wake up tomorrow

and find out
that this was all part of a dream.

- All right.
- Because I've had this dream before.

Many times.

Sometimes we're in London,

sometimes we're in Paris,

sometimes we're riding mules
down the Grand Canyon.

Oh, my God!

This is gonna be
the jewel of my collection.

I'm gonna get a special frame for it,

and I'm gonna look at it
while I'm listening to the show, and l...

Oh, wait a minute. Oh, listen,
uh, uh, Frasier's brother,

um, your thumb
was in front of the lens.

If you don't mind, just one more.

And you know what?
Bring that chair closer.

Come over here for a second.
Just sit here. Just like that.

This is gonna be great.
Okay, sit here,

and this time why don't you act
like you're giving me advice?

Right. All right, uh,
Tom, well, you know,

I was just wondering, um,
have you ever called into the show?

Me? Why would I call the show?

Oh! Did your head just touch that?

- Yes. I'm sorry.
- Don't be.

Oh.

So, uh, Tom,

I take it you've been listening
to the show for some time.

Oh, are you kidding?

From day one.

I got so hooked
that eventually I started taping them

so that I didn't miss anything.

I even was skipping out
of work early

so I could make sure
to be home in time.

So, in a way, Tom,

you could say that your obsession
with your collection

was bringing your life to a standstill.

Yes. Yes, exactly.

Until I realised
how ridiculous I was being.

I mean, missing work
to... To tape the show.

Oh, good for you, Tom.

So you could say that, uh, it is possible
to have a passion for collecting

without losing sight of your priorities.

Yes, exactly. And...
And that's why I quit my job.

Oh, this turned out really nice.

And, you know,
eventually the money ran out,

so I got a gig as a night doorman.

And that way I could, uh...

Oh. I could, you know, uh,
listen to the show

a second time on my Walkman,

and then I could do
my transcriptions at work.

- You transcribe the show?
- Well, you gotta have a backup.

Uh, listen, Tom, you know,
I must confess,

I'm a... I'm a bit concerned. Um.

I'm delighted to have you as a fan.
I really am,

but the whole purpose of my show
is to help people

live better lives,

and I'm afraid that I've hurt yours.

I just...

There should be more to...
To life than...

There should be more.

Yes, but as you always say,

life is most fulfilling when
spent in the pursuit of one's passions.

Yes, but as I've also said,

weave the tapestry of your life
with many diverse threads.

Ah, yes, but you added,

make sure to weave the pattern
that pleases you most.

Weave the tapestry
with diverse threads?

Yes. Frasier said all of these things,
and many others.

He is a genius.

Would you like some guacamole?

- Uh, yeah, sure. Uh.
- Thank you.

Thanks, Tom. Listen, I'm...
I'm just, uh, thinking. Um.

I don't really want
to talk you into anything.

It seems I've done enough
of that already. I, uh...

Thank you.

Tom, what I'm getting at here is,

I think there could be
more to your life

than just my tapes and pictures.

Now, if you'd be interested in
exploring those issues further,

I can recommend someone
who would be glad to talk with you.

[MOUTHING] Not me. Not me.
- Why? I have you.

Thank you.

Well, you know, l...
I think it's time we got going.

Oh, no, so soon?

Oh, well, I suppose
someone like you

probably has a lot of things
they gotta do.

- Right.
- I'm glad you could come at all.

Please, you know,
stop by any time you want.

Thank you, Tom,
and it was a pleasure.

Oh, don't forget your tape.

You know, Tom,

I'd like you to keep that.

But this is the reason you came.

If I ever need it,

I'll know where to find it.

Um...

You know those shows
where I sat in for Frasier?

You wouldn't happen to
have those tapes, would you?

Sorry, l... I don't collect just anything.

Hey, there he is.
Did you get your tape back?

Actually, no, I didn't.

What happened?

Daphne...

...tonight I saw an example

of how an obsession
can take over a man's life.

I don't want to be that man.

Therefore, I chose to leave it
and render my collection imperfect.

But that's all right. You see,

I don't need things to be perfect.

Hello.

Something's amiss.

[GASPS]

My double-handled amphora!

All right, no one leaves!