Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 10 - Junior Agent - full transcript

ZACH [ON RECORDER]:
Janet from Seattle, you're in bed

- with Dr. Zach.
ROZ: Oh, yeah.

ZACH:
How can I make you feel better?

[ROZ LAUGHING]

JANET [ON RECORDER]:
My husband isn't the man he was,

if you know what I mean.
And it's ruining our marriage.

ZACH:
Are you sure it's just his fault?

The signs on Love Street
don't all point one way.

[LAUGHING]

Come on.

This is the competition?
Dr. Zach?



Please, it's nothing but suggestive,
smarmy sleaze.

- And he's great at it.
- Roz.

You know, I tell you what.
I give this guy four, five weeks tops.

He's been on the air ten weeks,
and frankly, we're getting spanked.

Oh, he did a whole show on that
yesterday.

FRASIER:
Stop it.

So, well, all right,
he's the new flavour of the month.

We've seen them come and go
before. Dr. Mary.

Professor Hugs.

On the Couch with Jeff and Lars.

I don't know, doc.
I think this guy's got staying power.

- He did a show on that Tuesday.
- Cut it out, Roz.

Hey, you know, maybe we should
try some of those theme shows.

Actually,
we have done theme shows.



You know, I still get letters about
the show we did on existential angst.

- No, we don't.
- I get them at home.

Well, I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt
to spice things up a little.

You know, mention
people's privates once in a while.

Absolutely not. My show is fine
the way it is. What it needs

is a little support from this station.
How about some advertising?

Whoa, whoa, I don't wanna just
throw money at the problem.

- Thirty seconds, Frasier.
- Right, right.

Well, then how about airing
some more promos on my lead-in?

They get a sizeable audience.

They do. That's why we're
moving them to evening drive time.

- You mean I'm their lead-in now?
- Yeah, they're not too happy about it.

And we're back for the final hour
of The Frasier Crane Show.

Our next caller is Garth
from Mercer Island.

Go ahead, Garth, I'm listening.

GARTH [OVER PHONE]: This is
weird talking about to a psychiatrist,

but it is something
couples go through,

and since I'm not using my real name,
maybe it's okay.

It's our household budget.

Any more sausage, Daph?

I told you five links ago,
you're cut off.

Oh, come on. I'm being good.
I took my cholesterol pill.

Yes. That was the last one.
You better call Dr. Stewart.

Oh, he'll make me go through
a whole physical just to get a refill.

Hey, Niles.
Couldn't you write me a prescription?

- Oh, I can't, Dad. Sorry.
- Why not?

I don't have your chart.
I'm not familiar with your history.

Oh, come on, you see me every day.
You know I'm fine.

Just get your little pad out
and write "more pills."

What is the big deal? Why do you hate
going to the doctor so much?

- Everybody does.
- Not my brother Billy.

He loved going to the doctor's.

From the time he was a little boy,
he'd start getting undressed in the car.

And, mind you,
that was just for the dentist.

As he got older,
he volunteered for medical studies.

Supported himself getting all sorts of
experimental drugs pumped into him.

- Think she's finished?
- Wait for it.

One year, he grew little boobies.

NILES: Hey there.
- Ah!

MARTIN: Fras.
- Good morning, all.

Dear God.

Do you believe this? Ugh.

NILES: What?
- A full-page ad.

"Cuddle up with Dr. Zach."

Yes. As if some airbrushed
picture of a pretty boy

has anything to do
with effective therapy.

He is awfully cute.

Mm. Yet not so much
you hate him for it.

All right, you know, that's the reason
I keep losing to him in the ratings.

His station keeps flooding
the marketplace with this useless tripe.

It's my turn now.

I'm gonna call my agent.

Let her earn her ten percent.

Tell you what, once Bebe
gets through with the station,

my face will be splattered
all over this city.

That Bebe is a monster.
I don't know why you chose her.

Yeah, what possessed you?
Oh, right, she did.

Yes, well, Bebe's evil,
but she's my evil.

Better bring a newborn baby
in case she gets hungry.

Frasier, all this over a picture
in the paper? It seems a little petty.

FRASIER:
It is not petty.

It's about getting my due as a
respected member of this community,

and as a titan
of Seattle radio psychiatry. Ha!

Yeah, you're not so pretty
with a moustache

and a hairy mole now, are you? Ha.

Frasier Crane.

I wish my eyes were sore
so you could be a sight for them.

Thank you, Bebe. Thank you
for seeing me on such short notice.

Oh, there's no such thing
as short notice for my favourite client.

Get Dr. Crane some coffee,
please.

So how may I serve you?

Well, actually, um, KACL is not doing
all it should to promote my show.

Say no more.

We'll put the fear of God into them.

We'll hold their feet to the fire
till their skin crackles.

[FRASIER CHUCKLES]

Thank you, Bebe.
I knew I could count on you.

Well, it won't be me personally.
I think now is the time

to unleash the newest member
of Team Crane.

- What do you mean?
- Well, you've become too big

to be served by the efforts
of one adoring mortal.

That's why I'm bringing on
more firepower.

- Oh, I like the sound of that.
- Well, I thought you might.

Frasier, meet your new agent,
Portia Sanders.

Pleased to meet you.

Well... we've met.

Several hundred times.

- Uh, this is your assistant.
- Not anymore.

- Now she's a full-fledged junior agent.
- She brings me coffee.

She'll bring you Juan Valdez
on a donkey, if that's what you want.

I thought we should start by scheduling
a meeting to get more acquainted.

We've met.

You've only met Portia
the assistant,

the girl who spent the last four years
answering phones

and getting your coffee just right.

Well, Portia the agent plans to take
that same attention to detail

when representing you.

I'm sorry, but you've never
gotten my coffee right.

But you never said
anything before.

Yes, I have. Every time.

Portia, will you give us a minute?

Is this about me?

Because I would love the opportunity
to address any concerns.

Just go outside.

- I'll be outside if you need me.
- Yes, yes, that's good to know.

[GIGGLES]

Seems innocent, doesn't she?
Almost naive.

That's the quality
that sets the trap.

Then when she's lulled her prey,

- she pounces like a tigress whose...
- All right, Bebe, what's going on here?

- Are you fobbing me off?
- Ouch.

Do you want the knife back,
or shall I just keep it in my heart?

Portia will merely be looking after
the day-to-day details,

freeing me up for the big picture.

- Really?
- Of course.

You are the rock
upon which this agency is founded,

upon which we continue to thrive.

Oh, sorry to interrupt, Bebe,
but we got reservations at 1:00.

FRASIER:
Dr. Zach?

- What is he doing here?
- Doctor who?

I'm confused. Who are you?

For God's sake, Bebe.

You were supposed to meet me
in the restaurant, whoever you are.

Bebe, how could you?

I feel so betrayed.

And I am just as outraged
as you are.

I see what's going on here. You're
trying to pass me off to your assistant

so you can devote your attention
to your new number one client.

Nonsense. There is no one
more important to me than you.

Then let him have the junior agent.

Frasier, we have done great things,
you and I.

We've climbed this mountain together,
and planted your flag.

Now I've discovered
another young man

who wants to plant his flag.

Would you deny me the chance
to share in that adventure?

- Yes.
- Oh, come on. Don't be selfish.

You'll be fine with Portia.
Don't forget, she reports directly to me.

Bebe, throughout our relationship,
I have put up with a lot,

but I never doubted, for an instant,
your devotion to my career.

Apparently, that is at an end.

And so, therefore,
is my association with this agency.

And screw, may I add, you.

I was thinking we could
have that meeting next Tuesday.

We have met.

Hey, Fras.
You just missed your new agent.

She sent those.

I didn't miss her.

I was hiding in the stairwell
till she left.

And Portia is not my new agent.

She is Bebe's minion,
her little winged monkey.

The woman has been hounding me.
I had to turn off my cell phone.

God only knows
how she got the new number.

Oh, Dr. Crane,

did the woman from the
Publisher's Clearing House reach you?

She seemed quite insistent.

- She sounds like a real go-getter.
FRASIER: I don't care if she is.

It'll be a cold day in hell
before I go back to Bebe's agency.

Well, uh, you're not gonna send back
the flowers and muffins, are you?

- I don't see any muffins.
- I mean, if she had sent muffins.

Don't worry, Dad,
there will be muffins aplenty.

Now that I am agent-less,
the word will spread like wildfire.

You be prepared for this phone
to start ringing right off the hook.

I didn't mean literally.

I know, but how great
would that have been?

You say, "Phone's gonna start ringing,"
and boom.

FRASIER:
Yes, yes, yes.

The truth is I'm excited.

I'm excited
about having a new agent.

I'm excited about being excited
about my career again.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, so close.

And so it begins.

The sharks smell Crane
in the water.

[CHUCKLES]

Let's just see which one of them's
hungriest, shall we, hmm?

Hello.

Yes, could you hold on
for just one moment, please?

- It's for you, Dad.
- Oh, thanks.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dr. Stewart,
thanks for calling me back, um,

I was hoping you could
refill my prescription

without me coming into the office.

Oh, come on, doc, my son's a doctor,
and he says I look fine.

A psychiatrist.

Okay, okay.

I'll be in there tomorrow.
Bye.

- I hope you're satisfied.
- Oh, Dad, we've discussed this.

I'm happy to drive you to the doctor,
but I can't just write you a prescription.

I would never violate my ethics
like that.

- Have you asked Frasier?
- Yeah.

He gives me
the same old baloney you do.

Look, I've been taking this medicine
for four years, Niles.

I don't need an exam,
I just need a refill.

- No.
DAPHNE: Here's a thought.

Niles, you're a doctor.

Why don't you give your father
a full medical examination?

That way, you'll both be satisfied.

- Can you pick me up at 1?
- Yeah.

[FRASIER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
ON RADIO]

Knock-knock.
I'm looking for Frasier.

Oh, ahem,
he's not working today.

Then why am I hearing his show?

Well, we play The Best of Crane
on Wednesdays.

Oh. Well, would you please ask him
to call Portia?

- It's really important.
- Sure.

FRASIER:
- And I know it's never easy, Rachel,

but you and your husband
won't get anywhere

until you confront
your problems head-on.

We'll be right back, Seattle,
after the news.

Can't dodge her forever.

I won't have to, Roz,
as soon as I have a new agent.

- Have there been any calls?
- No, sorry.

What? What the hell is going on?

I mean, surely someone would be
interested in representing me.

I still have a viable career,

even if arguably it may
or may not be going through

what might be perceived by some
as a tiny lull.

There you are.

I was leaving you a note
on the windshield of your car,

and I said to myself,
"His car's here, so he's here.

So why am I leaving a note
on his windshield?"

[CHUCKLES]

- Here.
FRASIER: Yes.

Portia.

I'm sure you're a lovely person,
and I...

I applaud your effort
to find a new career,

but not at the expense of my own.

But you haven't heard my ideas yet.

Nor will I.

How can I make this
any clearer to you?

You are not my agent.

You are not going to be my agent,
not now, not ever.

So go practise
on someone else's time

and leave me alone.

[PORTIA CLEARS THROAT]

That was brutal.

Don't worry, Roz, I'll be okay.

She seems very persistent.

That's not such a horrible thing
to have in an agent.

I'd rather have no agent at all
than let Bebe win.

That's not such a bad idea.

I don't need an agent.

I can represent myself.

I mean, I have some insight
into the human mind.

I think that would be helpful
in negotiations.

My God,
I should have thought of this sooner.

Just think of the money
I could save.

Isn't that what you said
when you cut your own hair?

No.

That was just an emotional response
to an unruly cowlick.

Okay, fine.

So you represent Frasier Crane.
Now what?

Well, for one,
I'll do what Bebe couldn't do.

I'll get Kenny to boost
the advertising budget for our show.

Well, you already
asked him that. He said no.

Yes, that was Dr. Frasier Crane
asking. Now it's Agent Crane,

licensed to charm.

[FRASIER CHUCKLES]

- What is it, doc? Is this about promos?
- No.

Would you...?
Do you believe this guy?

[ROZ AND FRASIER LAUGH]

No, Kenny.
Listen, I've been thinking.

You know, I think it's high time
that you and I got together

outside of the workplace.

So there's a little club downtown
that I go to.

How would you like to join me
tomorrow

for a little, uh... Little massage,
a little steam, huh? Huh?

- What do you say?
- Are you kidding?

I'm front and centre
with a fistful of singles.

Kenny, ha, ha,
it's not that kind of club.

Oh.

Fives?

What is wrong with you?

It's an athletic club with, uh,
squash courts and a swimming pool.

Oh. Right.

Gotcha.

Hmm, sure you're happy.

You're not gonna be spending
the next hour sitting bare-assed

on some cold steel table.

[NILES SIGHS]

And neither are you, you big baby.

I'm sorry. I'd help if I could, Dad,
but I swore an oath.

[SIREN WAILS]

Oh, I wonder what this is about.

I'm sure it's just
a misunderstanding.

Good afternoon, officer.
Uh, I didn't do anything wrong, did I?

Actually, son, you made
an illegal left turn back there.

Thank you, Dad.

Licence and registration, please.

Uh, you know, officer, my father here
is no stranger to the rules of the road.

Isn't that right, Dad?

Yes, sir, he is, uh,
intimately acquainted with Lady Law.

Aren't you, Dad?

Just a concerned citizen.

I'll be right back.

Why didn't you flash your badge
and get me out of a ticket?

I would've, Niles,
but I took an oath too.

- Oh...
- However,

if you were to take out
that prescription pad...

- Are you blackmailing your own son?
- I'd write fast.

There's nothing I can do
once he writes that ticket.

Officer?

Yes?

Uh, yeah, officer, um...

I was wondering if maybe
you could give my son a break.

Uh, I don't think
he'll be doing that again.

Well, uh, I guess this time
I can let it slide.

[OFFICER CHUCKLES]

- Drive carefully.
- Oh, I will. Thank you, sir.

[MARTIN LAUGHING]

What?

I got news for you.

You didn't make
an illegal left turn.

That's a buddy of mine.
I set the whole thing up

to get you to write me
my prescription.

[MARTIN LAUGHING]

I got news for you.

I just drew you a picture of a dog.

[BARKS]

So, what'd you think?

- Oh, I could get addicted to that.
- Here. Yeah.

- What was that stuff?
- Steam.

- Oh, it felt so great.
- Ah.

- Everything's great here.
- Ah.

I can't believe
I never heard of this place.

They should advertise
or something.

You know,
speaking of advertising,

I think our recent dip in the ratings
is due to a lack of advertising.

Oh, what's to advertise, doc?
Your show's nine years old.

Unless there's some new angle
to promote,

it's money better spent elsewhere.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I noticed
a basket of free combs by the sink.

- Dr. Crane.
- Aah!

Portia, what the hell
are you doing here?

This is a private club
and a men's locker room. Get out.

Not until you give me a chance.

Look, I told you
I'm not interested.

Hey, doc,
can I borrow your roll-on?

I left mine at home. Hey!

Ah, you must be Kenny Daly.
I'm Portia Sanders, Frasier's agent.

- She is not my agent.
- I'm naked.

How much are you prepared to
increase the man's advertising budget?

Zero, and again, naked.

Kenny, look, I apologise for this.

Portia, you're leaving.

- Not until he hears me out.
- Well, forget it. I'm out of here.

Hey. What are you doing?

Taking your pants.

You'll get them back
when I'm finished.

Okay, you're saving a few bucks
on advertising,

but with a little investment now,

you can make a bundle
when we syndicate.

Are you kidding? Who's gonna
wanna syndicate Frasier?

Hey.

No, no, no offence, doc,
but if you were gonna syndicate...

All right!
Sit down and listen up!

Ooh.

Legs together.

All right, maybe you two don't see
the potential for syndication, but I do.

Sure the big markets are harder
to crack, but we'll start smaller.

KPCD in Medford, KBAB in Boise.

They're changing formats.
After the beginning of the year,

they're gonna need
new programming.

Soon we'll have a vast
and viable audience.

Oh, think of it.

The obsessive-compulsive
on his tractor.

The bipolar cop on his beat.

The soccer mom
seething with rage.

And they're all out there
across this great land of ours

- just waiting for you to help them.
- I've always thought that.

Yes.

But I can't do any of this

unless you start backing us up
with some advertising.

And you, oh, you've got to be ready
to schmooze every station manager

from Portland to the other Portland.

I'm hungry for this.

I need you both
to be as hungry as I am.

- Are you hungry?
- I'm starving.

Me too.

Great. Call my office Monday morning
and we'll go over the details.

FRASIER:
Wow.

That was my very first
locker-room pep talk.

Mine too.

- She took your pants, you know.
- I know.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]