Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 11 - Bully for Martin - full transcript

After Frasier witnesses Martin get chewed out by his boss, Frasier feels obligated to say something on his behalf. However, it only serves to make things worse.

Terrance, we're nearing the end
of our programme,

and we haven't gotten
to the heart of your problem.

TERRANCE [ON PHONE]:
I guess I'm just sick of being single.

I mean, I'm almost 40.
What kind of loser am I?

A single man in his 40s
is not a loser.

TERRANCE: I said I'm almost 40.
Don't make it sound worse than it is.

- Can I jump in here, Frasier?
- Please.

Listen, Terrance, I know that I'm not
as old as you, or Frasier,

but I've been through
plenty of heartache and loneliness.

I remember thinking,
"Love is never gonna come to me."

So I gave up.



And that is when a handsome,
sweet-hearted man named Roger

jumped off his garbage truck
and into my life.

And I have been deliriously happy
ever since.

And I feel sure that the same thing
will happen for you.

TERRANCE:
I have to give up on love first?

No, I'm saying don't give up.

TERRANCE: But you said you met
this garbage man after you gave up.

Terrance, I think what Roz
is trying to say

is that whether
we seek love or not,

we are always at the mercy
of its mysterious rhythm.

- Exactly.
TERRANCE: That's not what she said.

I think we know why this guy's
still single.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane
saying good day, Seattle,

and good mental health.



- Your dad called during the segment.
- Oh, great.

- Here's the number.
- Thank you.

He's working
the early shift today.

We're gonna have dinner together
this evening.

Oh, I'm going out to dinner too.

Yes. With Roger.
You mentioned that.

Did I tell you he's taking me
on a moonlight picnic?

Yes, you did.

- In a canoe?
- Check.

How romantic is that?

He said all I had to bring was
my appetite for caviar and affection.

I told him to bring his appetite
because I'll be wearing my edible...

Dad. Hi. Yeah, uh, listen, um,
I've made our reservation for, uh...?

- Oh.
- Sorry, Roz. Yes. Thanks.

Yes, hello, is Martin Crane there,
please?

Dad, hi. Look, I made a reservation
for, uh, 7:30,

so I'll pick you up around 7:15,
all right? And...

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't I stop by with a pizza?

Okay, great. I'll see you then.
Bye.

More flowers from Roger.

And you have to hear this poem
he wrote me.

Hang on a second, Dad.
I, uh...

I've gotta get a pen.
I'll write that down.

Sorry, Roz.

Good night, Marty.

See you tomorrow, Babs.

- Hey, mister. Pizza delivery.
- Hey, you made it.

Oh, that smells good.

What kind did you get?

Prosciutto and fontina.

Oh, I had my heart set
on a ham-and-cheeser.

Oh, you were just messing with me.
Good one, Fras.

FRASIER: There you are.
MARTIN: Ha-ha-ha.

- Uh-oh. My boss is coming.
- Where?

I can see him on the monitors.

I'd love to meet him.

How many times do I have to tell you
to stay off this damn frequency?

Uh, maybe you could just go
read the directory for a minute.

Uh-uh.

- Food has to stay out of sight, Crane.
- Oh, right.

- Oh, I'll take a slice though.
- Oh, sure.

Hey, did you notice anyone
messing with the camera

in the East Tower?

That was me. The way it was pointed,
you couldn't really see the stairs.

So you left your post?

- I thought that it made more sense...
- We don't pay you to think, Crane.

We pay you to watch the monitors
and keep the sign-in sheet in order.

We also pay you to button
the top button on your shirt.

See you tomorrow, fellas.

- Good night.
- Good night, now.

Maybe when you were a cop,

you could play fast and loose
with the rules.

But here at Keckner Security,

regulations have to be followed.

Yes, sir. Do you want to look over
the sign-in sheet?

Do you need any help?

Oh. Uh, I'm... I'm sorry, no.
No, thank you.

You hate to ask for help, huh?

You know what people
who never ask questions never get?

Answers.

[CHUCKLES]

Very interesting. Yes, uh...

Oh, there it is.
Uh, UCB Industries.

- You're a UCB man?
- Yes.

- I'm with DNR Associates.
- Ah.

So I guess, uh, technically,
we shouldn't be talking, but, uh,

who takes that corporate competition
stuff seriously anymore?

I do.

Ah.

Look, Crane, you really want to put
that busy brain of yours to work,

why don't you mastermind a way
to lift the pizza stain out of your tie?

I can't believe the way
that guy talked to you.

Oh, it's no big deal.
Why don't you just go home?

- But he has no right to do that.
- Just go home.

All right.

- I'll see you there.
MARTIN: Okay.

Well,

this is awkward.

Especially with the, uh, Reliance
Bearings account up for grabs.

But whoever wins it, wins it.

Good luck.

Don't you mean
congratulations?

- You're kidding.
- An hour ago.

Don't they ever cc
you guys on this stuff?

NILES:
You're not exaggerating?

I tell you, Niles,
I stood there slack-jawed

as Dad was reprimanded
like an errant child.

Maybe his boss
was having a tough day

and needed someone
to take it out on.

Sometimes an employer gets
so caught up in his own world that he...

I mean, after all, this is a man

who served his country in Korea,

who had a distinguished career
as a detective,

and yet he is being treated the way you
would treat a grocery-store bag boy.

What does that mean?

Don't play coy with me
just because Daphne's here.

I have seen you when your avocados
are packed under your ice cream.

Excuse me.
That young man was on drugs,

and everyone in the store knew it.

MARTIN: Hey.
NILES: Hey, Dad.

FRASIER: Dad.
- Mr. Crane. How was work today?

Oh, same old, same old.

Boy, I'm beat.

Eight hours of staring
at those monitors

can really wear you out. Ah.

So, Dad, did you speak
with your supervisor?

Oh, don't start this again.
Everything's fine.

Dad, after the way
that man eviscerated you?

That's just Rich.
He's one of those tough guys.

It's no big deal.

You're a tough guy.
Why don't you set him straight?

I'm not gonna talk back to my boss.

You have to respect
the chain of command.

It's not easy, but that's the way
I've always done it.

- So you're gonna sit there and take it?
- Come on, Fras. We're men.

We know how to gut these things out.

We don't whine and cry.
You know that.

Ha!

How true.

You do know that, Dr. Crane.

I'll bet the owner of the company

would like to know
how this Rich is behaving.

The owner of the company
is Rich's son.

Nepotism, huh? God, this problem
just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

- It's not a problem.
- Dad...

Frasier, would you listen?
He said it's not a problem.

Dad's more than capable
of handling himself.

- Thank you.
- You see? He thinks you're out of line.

- No, I just...
- No, Dad, Dad, I got this.

You've gotta have at least
some kind of plan to deal with this guy.

I've got a plan. Once Rich knows
I'm not fighting, he'll drop it.

Which is what you guys are gonna do.
Now I'm tired of talking about this.

See? Now you've made Dad tired.

- Can it, Niles.
- And cranky.

[CHATTERING]

- Frasier Crane, right?
- Ah, yes, yes.

I'm Charlie Keckner
of Keckner Security.

Mr. Keckner, nice to meet you.
Please sit down.

- Would you like some coffee?
- Nothing for me, thanks.

- Thank you for meeting me like this.
- No problem.

I like face-to-facing with new clients,
especially those in the public eye

who need the kind of custom-tailored
security that we specialise in.

So,

what is it? Stalker, blackmailer,

random nut job?

I'm sorry, but I'm not actually

in the market
for security services.

Oh, that's strange.

Because
your phone message said:

"I'm in the market
for security services."

Yes, I can see how that
may have been misleading. I, uh...

I wanted to meet you in person

because I have, uh, a matter
of some delicacy to discuss with you.

My father works for your company, and
I understand your father does as well.

What does this have to do
with anything?

Well, it seems that...

...your dad has been
picking on my dad.

What?

That doesn't sound like my dad.

Well, perhaps you don't know your dad
as well as you think you do.

I saw the whole thing.

Well, huh, maybe my dad
was just defending himself.

Did your dad provoke him?

No, no. I can assure you
that your dad started it.

None of the other guards
has any trouble with my dad.

Maybe your dad
needs to toughen up a little.

My father fought in Korea.

Did he? Or did you
fight the Koreans for him?

Now, Charlie, I'm sure a man
of your inspired leadership

has resolved conflicts
between employees before.

- Hmm?
- Sure.

It's that kind of
enlightened management

that has made the name Keckner
synonymous with security.

- All right, I'll look into it.
- Thank you so much.

If you don't mind, could we keep
this meeting between us?

I'd hate to have my father think
I went behind his back.

You're asking me to conceal
something from my own father?

I don't know if I can do that.

On the other hand,
if you were a client,

I'd be obligated
to keep this confidential.

If you're implying what I think you are,
Mr. Keckner,

I hope for your sake
you brought some brochures.

Please.

All right. Good night.

- Hey, Rich.
- Hey, buddy.

- Everything all right here?
- Uh, sure.

Nothing to complain about, then?

No. Want some coffee?

No, no, no. I keep my eating
and drinking to the break room.

That way nobody complains.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, I could use your initials
on my time card, if you've got a sec.

Oh, for you, I've got all night.

And I'll be sure to do it neatly

so there'll be no complaints.

Okay, what's going on?

You tell me.

My son chewed me out
for being too tough on the guards.

I wonder who might have put him up
to that.

- It could have been any of the guys.
- I think it was you.

- It wasn't me. I'm not a complainer.
- Good.

Then you won't complain about doing
a few graveyard shifts next week.

- No problem.
- Good.

How's Tuesday, Wednesday
work for you?

- Actually, that's not so good.
- Oh.

Then how's Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday?

Better.

Hey, Niles.

- Hey, Daphne.
- Hi, Roz.

I called you this morning.
Where were you?

Sleeping. Mr. Crane's
been working the overnight shift.

It's thrown my whole schedule off.

Oh. Roger and I have been working
overnight too, if you know what I mean.

Let me grab a muffin
and I'll tell you all about it.

- Grab one for me too.
- Okay.

So I can stick it in my ears.

I'm a little tired of hearing about it.

You're tired? I've heard double
whatever you have.

Did you know Roger wrote her a song
to the tune of "I Believe I Can Fly"?

I do now, don't I?

Look, let's just not talk about Roger
this one time, okay?

That's impossible.
She brings everything back to him.

- Well, just leave it to me.
- Oh, good luck.

So, what are you guys
talking about?

Um, mediaeval French history.

- I've always wanted to see Paris.
- Mm-hm. Thank you.

Roger says he's gonna take me there
someday.

He says you haven't truly
made love...

- Oh, look at this.
- What?

It says interest rates
might go down again.

Just when we thought the interest
couldn't get any lower.

I don't know about interest rates
and all that garbage. Oops.

It's a good thing
Roger didn't hear that.

He doesn't like it when I use garbage
in a derogatory way.

Of course, he always forgives me.
Isn't he a doll?

Oh, you know, speaking of dolls,

I understand
the Nordic Heritage Museum

is planning a huge retrospective

of Icelandic dolls
of the 19th century.

Hmm. Is the Nordic Museum
the one near Sunset Hill?

Roger and I had the best
bottle of wine there...

NILES:
No.

The Nordic Museum
is in Ballard.

Oh, I guess I don't know
that place after all.

Hmm. That exhibit sounds
fascinating, Niles. When is it?

- February 14th.
- Valentine's Day?

I guess I won't be there. Roger and I
are spending the whole day together.

He says it's going to be full
of romantic surprises.

But he gives me a romantic surprise
every single day.

- This morning...
- I know girl talk when I hear it.

Excuse me.

Girl talk? He's the one
going to a doll museum.

- Forget your coffee. Let's get out.
- What? And leave Daphne?

It's too late for her.
We have to keep moving.

Niles, I can't. I'm meeting Dad here
in a few minutes.

His schedule's been so topsy-turvy
I haven't seen him in days.

Still having trouble
with his supervisor?

Well, yes.

Yes, but I believe we'll be hearing
some good news on that front,

no thanks to you.

What does that mean?

Let's just say
I took appropriate action.

After Dad asked you
to butt out?

If you had seen the way
this man treated Dad,

I swear to God, you would have
done the same thing.

- Perhaps.
- Thank you.

I just wonder if you're doing this
for Dad or for yourself.

- What are you on about now?
- Well, I just think it's telling

that the whole thing bothers you
a lot more than it bothers Dad.

You can't stand to see him
being bossed

because to you, he's always been
this larger-than-life figure.

And you're desperate
to keep that image intact.

More importantly,

why is that man staring at us?

That's Sanchez, my bodyguard.

It's only on a trial basis.
It's a long story.

Oh, Dad. How you doing?

I'm mad as hell,
that's how I'm doing.

I just got beeped.
Rich wants me to work tonight.

I'm gonna have to cancel
our dinner.

- You haven't had a day off.
- I know.

He thinks I went over his head
to complain about him,

so now he's really
turning up the heat.

No kidding.

As if things weren't bad enough
for you already, Dad.

MARTIN:
Yeah, I know.

I used to take pride working through
tough spots like this,

but I don't know if it's worth it
this time.

- Dad, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, it's nobody's fault.

I'm just getting too old
for this sort of stuff.

And if he keeps up with it,
I'm gonna call it quits.

But that's a horrible idea. You can't run
from these kinds of problems.

It only encourages the tormentors...
Where are you going?

I'm gonna grab a quick nap
before my shift starts.

I'm trying to help you
decide what to do.

I know, that's what reminded me
to take a nap.

Well done, Frasier.

All right.

My plan backfired.

I guess there's only
one option left.

- Tell Dad the truth.
- All right, two options.

- I gotta go and speak directly to Rich.
- Don't you ever learn?

He needs to know that Dad
is not the one who complained.

Niles, come with me.
The two of us can help him together.

Forget it. You know how I feel
about this. You're on your own.

- Good news, dear.
- Hmm?

Roz is gonna join us
for shopping today.

Oh, no, I just promised Frasier
I'd help him with something.

You know what Roger says
is the most erotic organ?

- The mind?
- No.

FRASIER: Well, he's not even here.
I can't believe this.

I mean, after the way he came down
on Dad for doing the very same thing.

I am not by nature a violent man,

but I swear, if I have to,
I will page Sanchez.

Okay, come down
in front up here.

- I think you need to calm down.
- Yes, yes, you're right.

I came here to talk to the man.

- Still, the blood runs hot.
- I know.

That's him. That's him.

RICH:
Let me ask you something.

Do they pay you
to fix the elevator

or just spread your tools
all over my lobby?

You ever hear of putting down
a drop cloth?

By letting Dad handle this himself,
you'd be empowering him.

And isn't that really
the greatest gift of all?

I came down here
to stand up to that man.

- The time for running is past.
MARTIN: Drive safely.

- Dad's here.
- Oh, God, we can't let him see us.

Come on.

- Hey, Rich.
- Hey, Crane.

You're early.

Yeah, I thought I'd get a head start
on the checkpoints.

Well, la-di-da.

Great. Now what?

Dad says he makes his rounds
every 20 minutes.

We'll wait till the next one
and then slip out then.

- Whoa, what's this?
- What's what?

There's two guys
in the storage room.

- Stay here. I'll take care of it.
- Oh, no, no!

Why not?

MARTIN:
Those are my kids.

What the hell are they doing
in the storage room?

I don't know, but knowing them,
they probably came down

to fight my battle for me.

What battle?

With you.
They know we don't get along.

Wait a minute,

they wouldn't be the ones who
complained about me, would they?

Well, I wouldn't be surprised.

They're always sticking their noses
into my business.

That sounds like my kid.

He thinks just because I work for him,
he's my boss.

- Can you hear anything?
- No.

But I guarantee you,
Rich is being a jerk.

- I wish Dad would tell this guy off.
- That would make Dad feel better?

I don't know, but it would
make me feel a lot better.

So this is all about you.

To some extent.
All right, to a great extent.

It's just that all our lives

Dad's been the guy in charge.

I just hate to see him
powerless like this.

Well, how can you call him
powerless?

The minute you saw him,
you ran into a storage closet.

That's true.

You're a grown man,
and you're still scared.

You're a grown man,
you're scared of him too.

- Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
- Shut up.

- Do you smell ammonia?
- Hmm?

- Yes.
- What is that?

Ammonia.

The thing fell 19 storeys

and landed right in front of me
on the sidewalk.

That... That's nothing.

My kid ran over my foot
while I was sweeping the driveway.

[LAUGHING]

The scary thing is

that generation's
gonna be running the country.

- Not as long as I'm voting, Marty.
- Ain't that the truth.

What are the geniuses
doing now?

RICH: One of them's trying to breathe
through the crack under the door.

[MARTIN AND RICH LAUGHING]

Oh, for God's sake, Niles, get up.
There's plenty of air.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[WHISPERING]
Hello?

MARTIN [ON PHONE]:
Hey, Fras, it's me.

Dad, hi.

Why you whispering?

FRASIER [ON PHONE]:
I'm in a very quiet restaurant.

Yes, I'll have the pan-seared ahi

with the ginger-mushroom
cream sauce.

And, uh, for a starter, I'd like
the sesame-tempura string beans.

- And for the lady?
- Shut up.

FRASIER: Sorry about that, Dad.
- Oh, no problem.

So, uh, Dad, uh,
when are you starting your rounds?

I don't know. Let me ask.

Uh, Rich,
should I start my rounds now?

RICH [ON PHONE]:
You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You're staying here!

You hear that, Fras? No rounds.

Guess I'm just stuck here at the desk
for five hours.

Tough break.

MARTIN:
Well, I'll see you later.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]