Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 21 - Cheerful Goodbyes - full transcript
Frasier returns to Boston to give a speech, and Niles, Daphne and Martin come along to see the city. He runs into Cliff Clavin in the airport, and learns that he is retiring and moving to Florida. They all attend his retirement party, and Frasier reunites with the rest of the gang from Cheers.
Despite your healthy teen scepticism,
Jeremy,
problems that seem crushing now
can actually serve to shape your life
in positive ways later on.
JEREMY [OVER PHONE]:
You're just saying that.
No. Well, I'll tell you what. Perhaps
I can convince you with a story.
I recall a young man who suffered
from involuntary bed-wetting
until he was 12 years old.
Or was it 13?
Boy, you'd think I'd remember.
I slept in the lower bunk.
The point is,
it was very difficult for him,
what with, uh, the alarms
and the bladder-stretching exercises,
and the incessant teasing he suffered
once his schoolmates found out.
JEREMY:
How'd they find out?
Well, the point I'm trying to make here
is that this man today
is a prominent and respected
psychiatrist.
And, you see, his afflictions
served to make him stronger,
more empathic,
and extremely hygienic.
- So hang in there, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Okay.
- Thanks, Dr. Crane.
- Thank you.
And thank you, listeners.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying
good day and good mental health.
That was kind of brave
to admit you were a bed-wetter.
Oh, Roz, pay attention.
That was Niles, not me.
Well, you know, I've gotta run.
I'm putting the finishing touches on
my speech for the Boston conference.
- Did you come up with a title?
- Yes. Niles will be introducing me on:
"Notes for a Critical Approach
to Radio
as Mediating Gateway to the Process
of Psychological Demystification."
Good speech. What's the title?
[FRASIER CHUCKLES]
Well, it promises to be
a fun family weekend for all, actually.
Oh.
So, what have you got planned?
Actually, my sorority sisters
are coming in for a visit.
I suppose you'll be sharing
the secret handshake,
doing skits, that sort of thing.
Yeah, right.
Only problem is, it's just
my apartment is just too small
for everyone to stay, and...
Hey, your place will be empty.
[CHUCKLES]
- Say no more, Roz. No.
- Why not?
I'm sorry, Roz. It's just the idea
of strangers in my apartment.
I couldn't sleep.
- Sorry I asked.
- No apology necessary.
Ooh. Oh, Roz,
that reminds me, actually.
Since you're gonna be
walking Eddie for Dad anyway,
I wrote a list of things
you could do for me as well.
"Pick up the mail and newspapers.
Water the ficus. Fluff your pillows"?
Yes. Thank you. Oh,
and please don't forget
to mist my bedroom with rose water.
It likes it best at dusk.
FRASIER:
Oh, I love returning to Boston.
There's just something in the air.
Perhaps the toxic gas spewing
from your gigantic mouth.
Oh, please, would you just let it go?
I didn't mention your name.
No, you just said
it was someone
with whom you shared a bunk bed
who is now a psychiatrist.
I'd say that narrows the field
down to, hmm, me.
But only to someone who knows
that you're my brother.
- And who would that be?
- My patients.
- The guys at work.
- One of the flight attendants.
Oh, so that's why
she looked at me that way
when I told her I spilled my drink.
Would you come on? I wanna
see my bag come down the chute.
FRASIER:
All right, Dad.
You can forget about
my introducing your talk.
Oh, Niles, you can't be serious.
I wouldn't even be here
if Daphne didn't wanna see Boston.
Yes, I do. So you two make up,
and let's go and get
one of those famous Boston lobsters.
No, it's Maine that's famous
for lobsters, sweetheart.
Boston's famous for beans.
- Beans?
NILES: Mm-hm.
What kind of a city
brags about bloody beans?
MAN:
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, your common pumpkin
was once, uh, 600 times the size
of the present-day variety,
thereby allowing the entire fiefdom
to feast the whole winter
on the, uh, meat of a single seed.
- Cliff Clavin.
- Frasier.
FRASIER: Ha, ha!
- You old dog.
How you doing?
FRASIER:
Good to see you.
Say hello to the family.
This is my brother, Niles.
CLIFF: Hey, Niles.
- And his fianc?e, Daphne Moon.
And this is my dad, Martin Crane.
CLIFF: Hey, Marty.
- Nice to meet a fellow civil servant.
- You're one of the brethren, are you?
- I was a cop for 30 years.
Oh, yeah. Couldn't pass
the mail-carrier's exam, huh?
You know what,
I can't believe you brought your entire
family here for my retirement party.
FRASIER:
Well, actually, l...
You know, when I didn't get
your RS-s'il-vous-pla?t,
I figured you weren't
gonna show up,
but, uh, ha, ha, you son of a gun,
you wanted to surprise me, didn't you?
[FRASIER LAUGHING]
Yes. Surprise!
You know what,
I gotta go meet Ma's plane.
She's bringing in
ten gallons of punch.
See you guys tonight, huh?
- Eight o'clock sharp.
FRASIER: Right. At Cheers.
Oh, no, no, no. Sammy's got it booked
for a, uh, Red Sox reunion tonight.
Uh, we're gonna be
at the, uh, Somerville Town Crier.
Why did you do that?
This is our one free night.
I had to pull a lot of strings
to get dinner reservations at L'Espalier.
You saw how thrilled he was.
I couldn't say no.
Besides, it'll be a chance
to see my old friends.
These people are an important part
of my past.
They were there for me
when I needed friends most.
How about we move
the reservation back half an hour?
Oh, that should be plenty.
[CHATTERING]
- Ha. Hello, everybody.
CLIFF: Hey, Fras!
Oh! Frasier, Frasier.
Look at you.
I forgot how big your head is.
Carla, you haven't changed a bit.
This is my family.
Hey, everybody, wanna try
some, uh, devilled eggs, huh?
I used Ma's special recipe, uh,
water instead of mayonnaise.
Oh, no, thanks. No, thanks.
- Hey, Fras.
- Oh, Paul, how you doing?
CLIFF:
Paul? How'd you find out about this?
I live here.
I just came down for some ice.
- Well, stay out of the way.
- Can do.
- Evening, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
- Hey, so, what's going down now?
- My blood alcohol level.
Suds, do your work.
[CHUCKLING]
- Frasier's here?
- Hey, Norm, how you doing?
He brought his whole family,
Norm.
Yeah, yeah.
Say hi to my brother, Niles,
and his fianc?e, Daphne Moon,
and that's my dad there,
Martin Crane.
That's some mug callus
you got there.
Judging from your grip,
I'd say you're a can man.
Guilty as charged. Ha, ha.
- Have a seat.
MARTIN: Oh, thanks.
NORM:
Listen, uh, Cliffie,
Vera would've been here,
so I didn't tell her about it.
Yes, Vera is Norm's
much-storied wife.
Oh, that sounds fascinating.
- Let me know when we're leaving.
FRASIER: Right.
We're never gonna get out of here.
Why don't you and I go?
Don't be rude.
These are your brother's friends.
Just try and loosen up.
Hey, uh, that's quite a suit
you got there, buddy boy.
Uh, what, it cost, uh,
over a hundred, I bet, huh?
Hey, Paul. Paul.
Here, feel this suit.
- I'm next after Paul.
CLIFF: Yeah, get in here.
- So, Carla, how you been?
- Ah, well, two of my kids are in jail,
the bank's about to foreclose
on the house,
and after tonight,
I'm never gonna see Cliff Clavin again.
- Things are great.
FRASIER: Ha, ha.
Yeah, Carla was never
a fan of Cliff's.
Well, not to talk the guy down,
but he's a big blowhard
who thinks he knows everything
and never shuts up.
Imagine.
Hey, Norm, let me buy you a beer.
Beer.
Where have you been
all my life?
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, well, e-mail did hurt us,
but, uh, you know,
computers are gonna be dead
in about five years anyway.
The post office will rise again,
my friend. We'll rise again.
Feel that.
- Frasier?
- Mm? Ah. Oh, uh...
Say, Cliff, uh,
where's your mom?
Ah, Ma got on the wrong plane.
She went to Bosnia.
Hey, Cliff? Tell us more
about how you're leaving.
You know, and tell it real slow.
Quiet, everybody.
Well, Carla,
tomorrow I'm getting on a plane,
going to the promised land,
Florida.
[CHUCKLES]
Time to hang up the old uniform
and live in my Speedos.
I didn't think anything
could live in your Speedos.
Aren't you a bit young to retire, Cliff?
I'd be worried I'd become bored.
Ah, now, don't you worry
about that, missy.
When I get down there to old Florida,
I'm gonna buy myself an airboat.
Yeah, give tours of the Everglades,
maybe wrestle a few crocodiles.
- That would be alligators.
- Eh, common mistake there, sparky.
See, when a crocodile
raises its head,
its nostrils get pinched shut tight,
thereby cutting off its oxygen supply.
Yeah, a baby could wrestle one.
That's fascinating.
Did you know that, Niles?
I, uh... I still don't.
Excuse me, Daphne.
If we're gonna make our reservation,
we need to leave now.
- What, it's that time already?
- Already?
If I hear one more of that postman's
crackpot theories,
my head will explode.
Niles, don't worry about him.
Nobody takes him seriously.
DAPHNE: I never knew there were so
many letters in the dolphin alphabet.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
- I see. Well, um, is Dad ready to go?
- Dad?
Dad would be content to sit there
swilling beer all night.
Everyone's having a good time.
Why don't we push the reservation
back another half hour?
- Everyone isn't having...
PAUL: Fras.
Sit down.
Tell us what it's like to be famous.
Oh, sure, Paul.
Better make it an hour.
The best thing is,
on a summer's day,
you open a cold one,
and that foam runs down your hand.
And for a split second there,
you're jealous of your own knuckles.
Oh, yeah.
- I had no idea that you were a poet.
- Oh.
Yeah, tell me the one
about the bacon again.
- Which one?
- All of them.
CARLA:
Hey, whitebread.
What could possibly be wrong
on this most wonderful of nights?
Oh, uh, no offence, it's just
we had reservations at one
of the finest restaurants in Boston,
and instead we're eating trail mix
and drinking this...
Oh, dear God,
it's just labelled "wine."
Hey, Norm, doesn't he remind you
of Frasier?
- Say indubitably.
- Must I?
- It's uncanny.
- Yeah.
Hey, remember that time you guys
took Frasier on a snipe hunt?
NORM: Yeah.
- What's a snipe hunt?
That's when you take some
unsuspecting dope out to bag snipe,
which don't exist,
and then you ditch him in the woods.
That must've been
completely humiliating.
Yeah, well, that's the point.
Do you have any more
of these stories?
- Only about a million.
NILES: Oh.
I don't have time for a million.
Just tell me the hundred worst.
Okay, well, when Frasier first started
coming to Cheers,
he was really kind of a boob.
Yeah, a boob.
Sorry.
CLIFF:
Everybody, attention. Uh...
Mr. Twitchell's
got something to say, huh?
I'd like to propose a toast
to Cliff Clavin.
We were often adversaries,
but he was a postman.
And I'll say this about him,
he never developed a stoop.
[CLIFF CHUCKLES]
Mostly because he threw
the big catalogues into the river.
[ALL LAUGH]
And even though he didn't
strictly abide by the rules,
especially 367-B, Section 17...
[ALL LAUGHING]
Well, anyway, um,
when all is said and done,
you have to ask, what will the mail be
without Cliff Clavin?
ALL:
On time!
CLIFF:
Twitchell, thank you very much.
I just wanna thank you, Cliff,
for all the great times
we had at Cheers.
Well, you were always
there for me, Al.
I'm Phil.
Al's been dead for 14 years,
you dumb son of a bitch.
Well, you know, I hadn't planned
on, uh, making a speech,
so my remarks
will have to be extemporaneous.
I hope that means dirty.
Smart money's on long.
It was about ten years ago
when I, too, left Boston.
But the kind wishes and outpouring
of emotion from my friends
remain fresh in my mind.
I still remember Sam
throwing me a lavish party
and dubbing me
the Einstein of Cheers,
against my modest protest
that I was merely the Niels Bohr.
[CHUCKLES]
You still are.
Carla, thank you. Ha.
And then, of course,
Norm begging me to stay,
and that comical moment
when Woody threw his arms
around my legs and began to cry. I...
Well... And now another of us
is leaving this wonderful town.
Good luck, Cliff.
ALL:
Hear, hear.
Great.
I was gonna say "good luck, Cliff."
FRASIER: Please hold our table.
We'll be there in a half hour.
[FOOTSTEPS]
Cliff, are you all right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just, uh...
Whew-hoo, gotta take a break
from all that partying. Heh, heh.
Hmm...
All right, you pried it out of me.
It's my so-called friends.
They don't care about me.
Oh, sure they do.
No, your toast in there
brought home the ugly truth.
You know, when you left,
everybody asked you to stay.
I mean, I told these bullocks
six months ago I was retiring,
and not one single one of them
said anything like, uh:
"Yeah, I'm sure gonna miss you there,
uh, Big Shooter."
Or, "Gee, I wish you could
stick around, Big Shooter."
Big Shooter?
Yeah, it's a nickname
I once gave myself.
Well, Cliff, you know,
it's entirely possible
that your friends are suffering
from a kind of, uh, separation anxiety.
They may find it difficult
to admit to themselves
that you are actually leaving.
You know, I could have
a little talk with them if you'd like.
Huh. Well, what kind of hollow victory
would that be?
If I walk around the block,
would that give you time?
Sure.
Uh, everybody, uh, listen up.
Um, Cliff is going through
a kind of a crisis about leaving.
No, no, he's not. No crisis.
It would go a long way
toward helping him
if you could just let him know
how much you're gonna miss him.
Tell him, you know,
how sad you are that he's leaving.
NORM:
I don't know, Fras.
Look, I'm his best friend,
but I am no good at the mushy stuff.
Surely you can come up
with a few words.
Yeah, but what if he cries?
You know,
what if he tries to hug me?
What are people gonna think,
two guys hugging? I, uh...
Hey, you're gonna kiss him
with tongue
if that's what it takes
to get rid of him.
Shh, okay, here he is.
Everyone pretend you like him.
- Carla, we do like him.
- Yeah, like that.
[PAUL CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, I wanna make a toast.
Cliff, you've always been
my role model.
CLIFF:
Really? You...? You mean that, Paul?
I sure do.
Especially when it comes to the ladies.
I'm sad you're going.
CARLA: Yeah.
ALL: Hear, hear.
Cliff, I will miss you too,
you dumb son of a bitch.
ALL:
Hear, hear.
I haven't known you
for very long, Cliff,
but I've learned so much from you.
I never knew
that the Indians of the rainforest
used to stretch out pig intestines
and use it as a primitive telephone.
Or that Winston Churchill
invented the modern English muffin.
You're a fascinating man.
- Good luck.
CLIFF: Oh. Ah, thank you, Daphne.
He's smooth.
Congratulations, Cliff.
Stop that. Stop it.
Cliffie, we've been best friends
for a long, long time.
We've done a lot of stuff together.
Most of it dumb,
the rest of it boring.
But it's like we have this connection,
you know?
I mean, somehow we know
when we wanna be dumb
and when we wanna be boring.
I don't know
what I'm gonna do without you.
To my best friend, Cliff.
ALL:
To Cliff.
Come here, you.
Carla, don't you
have a few words to say?
I sure do.
Cliffie,
I know that things
haven't always been that great
between us over the years,
but, well, being here tonight
makes me think
about the effect that you've had
on my life.
I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
It's okay, Carla.
I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
...but it sticks in my throat
like your rotten devilled eggs!
I hate your guts!
The way you talk and talk and talk
about nothing!
The way you walk,
your stupid white socks...
FRASIER: Carla...
- Back off! I'm toasting!
The 20 years I have known you
would've been less painful
if I was covered with open sores
and thrown into a pit
with a bunch of diseased rats!
But now, finally, you're leaving.
I know I'm not as young
as I used to be,
but I can live again.
I can live again!
Finally, I can live! I can live!
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
Anyway, God bless.
Well, I can't believe my ears.
When I heard Paul and Norm there
saying all those nice things about me,
I actually started thinking, uh:
"Maybe I shouldn't go to Florida
and leave all my friends."
You know,
"Am I doing the right thing?"
But when I heard you speak those
words, Carla, that's when I decided.
I am gonna stay.
- What?
- That's right, you little dickens.
You only joke about somebody like that
when you really care for them.
I wasn't joking. I really hate you.
Oh, Carla, come on.
You're gonna make me cry now.
Everybody, the move is off.
No! No!
[CHATTERING]
[CLIFF LAUGHING]
[CARLA GRUNTS]
Oh, Frasier,
I owe this all to you.
Frasier, we were so close,
and then you had to show up
and ruin everything!
Well, we've got dinner reservations.
Uh...
Hey, everybody,
thanks for all the gifts,
but, uh, I don't have much use
for a spear gun here in Boston.
- Give me that! Give me that!
FRASIER: Carla, Carla!
- Please!
CARLA: No, give me that gun!
[CARLA YELLING]
FRASIER:
Get her out of here.
CARLA:
Let me go! No!
Stop it! Stop it now!
Well, see you around, Big Shooter.
Thanks, doc.
Good luck, Cliff.
Any time you're in Seattle...
Frasier has an extra room.
Marty, you're not going too,
are you?
Yeah, I have to. Why don't you come
to Seattle some time?
I'll show you around.
We'll have a few beers at McGinty's.
- Yeah? You mean that?
- Absolutely.
It's only six hours flying time
from here.
Six hours,
you know, sitting there in one place,
never moving...
That's, uh... That's just not me,
you know?
True thanks.
Listen, I'm sorry
that I ruined your evening.
Oh, uh, actually I ended up
rather enjoying myself.
Really? Well, I can't tell you
how happy I am to hear that.
I knew once you met these people,
you'd learn to love them as I do.
Yes, actually, I've rethought
a lot of things.
I'm going to give you
a much-deserved introduction
at that conference tomorrow.
- Are you certain?
- Oh, you won't be able to stop me.
Oh...
Jeremy,
problems that seem crushing now
can actually serve to shape your life
in positive ways later on.
JEREMY [OVER PHONE]:
You're just saying that.
No. Well, I'll tell you what. Perhaps
I can convince you with a story.
I recall a young man who suffered
from involuntary bed-wetting
until he was 12 years old.
Or was it 13?
Boy, you'd think I'd remember.
I slept in the lower bunk.
The point is,
it was very difficult for him,
what with, uh, the alarms
and the bladder-stretching exercises,
and the incessant teasing he suffered
once his schoolmates found out.
JEREMY:
How'd they find out?
Well, the point I'm trying to make here
is that this man today
is a prominent and respected
psychiatrist.
And, you see, his afflictions
served to make him stronger,
more empathic,
and extremely hygienic.
- So hang in there, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Okay.
- Thanks, Dr. Crane.
- Thank you.
And thank you, listeners.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying
good day and good mental health.
That was kind of brave
to admit you were a bed-wetter.
Oh, Roz, pay attention.
That was Niles, not me.
Well, you know, I've gotta run.
I'm putting the finishing touches on
my speech for the Boston conference.
- Did you come up with a title?
- Yes. Niles will be introducing me on:
"Notes for a Critical Approach
to Radio
as Mediating Gateway to the Process
of Psychological Demystification."
Good speech. What's the title?
[FRASIER CHUCKLES]
Well, it promises to be
a fun family weekend for all, actually.
Oh.
So, what have you got planned?
Actually, my sorority sisters
are coming in for a visit.
I suppose you'll be sharing
the secret handshake,
doing skits, that sort of thing.
Yeah, right.
Only problem is, it's just
my apartment is just too small
for everyone to stay, and...
Hey, your place will be empty.
[CHUCKLES]
- Say no more, Roz. No.
- Why not?
I'm sorry, Roz. It's just the idea
of strangers in my apartment.
I couldn't sleep.
- Sorry I asked.
- No apology necessary.
Ooh. Oh, Roz,
that reminds me, actually.
Since you're gonna be
walking Eddie for Dad anyway,
I wrote a list of things
you could do for me as well.
"Pick up the mail and newspapers.
Water the ficus. Fluff your pillows"?
Yes. Thank you. Oh,
and please don't forget
to mist my bedroom with rose water.
It likes it best at dusk.
FRASIER:
Oh, I love returning to Boston.
There's just something in the air.
Perhaps the toxic gas spewing
from your gigantic mouth.
Oh, please, would you just let it go?
I didn't mention your name.
No, you just said
it was someone
with whom you shared a bunk bed
who is now a psychiatrist.
I'd say that narrows the field
down to, hmm, me.
But only to someone who knows
that you're my brother.
- And who would that be?
- My patients.
- The guys at work.
- One of the flight attendants.
Oh, so that's why
she looked at me that way
when I told her I spilled my drink.
Would you come on? I wanna
see my bag come down the chute.
FRASIER:
All right, Dad.
You can forget about
my introducing your talk.
Oh, Niles, you can't be serious.
I wouldn't even be here
if Daphne didn't wanna see Boston.
Yes, I do. So you two make up,
and let's go and get
one of those famous Boston lobsters.
No, it's Maine that's famous
for lobsters, sweetheart.
Boston's famous for beans.
- Beans?
NILES: Mm-hm.
What kind of a city
brags about bloody beans?
MAN:
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, your common pumpkin
was once, uh, 600 times the size
of the present-day variety,
thereby allowing the entire fiefdom
to feast the whole winter
on the, uh, meat of a single seed.
- Cliff Clavin.
- Frasier.
FRASIER: Ha, ha!
- You old dog.
How you doing?
FRASIER:
Good to see you.
Say hello to the family.
This is my brother, Niles.
CLIFF: Hey, Niles.
- And his fianc?e, Daphne Moon.
And this is my dad, Martin Crane.
CLIFF: Hey, Marty.
- Nice to meet a fellow civil servant.
- You're one of the brethren, are you?
- I was a cop for 30 years.
Oh, yeah. Couldn't pass
the mail-carrier's exam, huh?
You know what,
I can't believe you brought your entire
family here for my retirement party.
FRASIER:
Well, actually, l...
You know, when I didn't get
your RS-s'il-vous-pla?t,
I figured you weren't
gonna show up,
but, uh, ha, ha, you son of a gun,
you wanted to surprise me, didn't you?
[FRASIER LAUGHING]
Yes. Surprise!
You know what,
I gotta go meet Ma's plane.
She's bringing in
ten gallons of punch.
See you guys tonight, huh?
- Eight o'clock sharp.
FRASIER: Right. At Cheers.
Oh, no, no, no. Sammy's got it booked
for a, uh, Red Sox reunion tonight.
Uh, we're gonna be
at the, uh, Somerville Town Crier.
Why did you do that?
This is our one free night.
I had to pull a lot of strings
to get dinner reservations at L'Espalier.
You saw how thrilled he was.
I couldn't say no.
Besides, it'll be a chance
to see my old friends.
These people are an important part
of my past.
They were there for me
when I needed friends most.
How about we move
the reservation back half an hour?
Oh, that should be plenty.
[CHATTERING]
- Ha. Hello, everybody.
CLIFF: Hey, Fras!
Oh! Frasier, Frasier.
Look at you.
I forgot how big your head is.
Carla, you haven't changed a bit.
This is my family.
Hey, everybody, wanna try
some, uh, devilled eggs, huh?
I used Ma's special recipe, uh,
water instead of mayonnaise.
Oh, no, thanks. No, thanks.
- Hey, Fras.
- Oh, Paul, how you doing?
CLIFF:
Paul? How'd you find out about this?
I live here.
I just came down for some ice.
- Well, stay out of the way.
- Can do.
- Evening, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
- Hey, so, what's going down now?
- My blood alcohol level.
Suds, do your work.
[CHUCKLING]
- Frasier's here?
- Hey, Norm, how you doing?
He brought his whole family,
Norm.
Yeah, yeah.
Say hi to my brother, Niles,
and his fianc?e, Daphne Moon,
and that's my dad there,
Martin Crane.
That's some mug callus
you got there.
Judging from your grip,
I'd say you're a can man.
Guilty as charged. Ha, ha.
- Have a seat.
MARTIN: Oh, thanks.
NORM:
Listen, uh, Cliffie,
Vera would've been here,
so I didn't tell her about it.
Yes, Vera is Norm's
much-storied wife.
Oh, that sounds fascinating.
- Let me know when we're leaving.
FRASIER: Right.
We're never gonna get out of here.
Why don't you and I go?
Don't be rude.
These are your brother's friends.
Just try and loosen up.
Hey, uh, that's quite a suit
you got there, buddy boy.
Uh, what, it cost, uh,
over a hundred, I bet, huh?
Hey, Paul. Paul.
Here, feel this suit.
- I'm next after Paul.
CLIFF: Yeah, get in here.
- So, Carla, how you been?
- Ah, well, two of my kids are in jail,
the bank's about to foreclose
on the house,
and after tonight,
I'm never gonna see Cliff Clavin again.
- Things are great.
FRASIER: Ha, ha.
Yeah, Carla was never
a fan of Cliff's.
Well, not to talk the guy down,
but he's a big blowhard
who thinks he knows everything
and never shuts up.
Imagine.
Hey, Norm, let me buy you a beer.
Beer.
Where have you been
all my life?
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, well, e-mail did hurt us,
but, uh, you know,
computers are gonna be dead
in about five years anyway.
The post office will rise again,
my friend. We'll rise again.
Feel that.
- Frasier?
- Mm? Ah. Oh, uh...
Say, Cliff, uh,
where's your mom?
Ah, Ma got on the wrong plane.
She went to Bosnia.
Hey, Cliff? Tell us more
about how you're leaving.
You know, and tell it real slow.
Quiet, everybody.
Well, Carla,
tomorrow I'm getting on a plane,
going to the promised land,
Florida.
[CHUCKLES]
Time to hang up the old uniform
and live in my Speedos.
I didn't think anything
could live in your Speedos.
Aren't you a bit young to retire, Cliff?
I'd be worried I'd become bored.
Ah, now, don't you worry
about that, missy.
When I get down there to old Florida,
I'm gonna buy myself an airboat.
Yeah, give tours of the Everglades,
maybe wrestle a few crocodiles.
- That would be alligators.
- Eh, common mistake there, sparky.
See, when a crocodile
raises its head,
its nostrils get pinched shut tight,
thereby cutting off its oxygen supply.
Yeah, a baby could wrestle one.
That's fascinating.
Did you know that, Niles?
I, uh... I still don't.
Excuse me, Daphne.
If we're gonna make our reservation,
we need to leave now.
- What, it's that time already?
- Already?
If I hear one more of that postman's
crackpot theories,
my head will explode.
Niles, don't worry about him.
Nobody takes him seriously.
DAPHNE: I never knew there were so
many letters in the dolphin alphabet.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
- I see. Well, um, is Dad ready to go?
- Dad?
Dad would be content to sit there
swilling beer all night.
Everyone's having a good time.
Why don't we push the reservation
back another half hour?
- Everyone isn't having...
PAUL: Fras.
Sit down.
Tell us what it's like to be famous.
Oh, sure, Paul.
Better make it an hour.
The best thing is,
on a summer's day,
you open a cold one,
and that foam runs down your hand.
And for a split second there,
you're jealous of your own knuckles.
Oh, yeah.
- I had no idea that you were a poet.
- Oh.
Yeah, tell me the one
about the bacon again.
- Which one?
- All of them.
CARLA:
Hey, whitebread.
What could possibly be wrong
on this most wonderful of nights?
Oh, uh, no offence, it's just
we had reservations at one
of the finest restaurants in Boston,
and instead we're eating trail mix
and drinking this...
Oh, dear God,
it's just labelled "wine."
Hey, Norm, doesn't he remind you
of Frasier?
- Say indubitably.
- Must I?
- It's uncanny.
- Yeah.
Hey, remember that time you guys
took Frasier on a snipe hunt?
NORM: Yeah.
- What's a snipe hunt?
That's when you take some
unsuspecting dope out to bag snipe,
which don't exist,
and then you ditch him in the woods.
That must've been
completely humiliating.
Yeah, well, that's the point.
Do you have any more
of these stories?
- Only about a million.
NILES: Oh.
I don't have time for a million.
Just tell me the hundred worst.
Okay, well, when Frasier first started
coming to Cheers,
he was really kind of a boob.
Yeah, a boob.
Sorry.
CLIFF:
Everybody, attention. Uh...
Mr. Twitchell's
got something to say, huh?
I'd like to propose a toast
to Cliff Clavin.
We were often adversaries,
but he was a postman.
And I'll say this about him,
he never developed a stoop.
[CLIFF CHUCKLES]
Mostly because he threw
the big catalogues into the river.
[ALL LAUGH]
And even though he didn't
strictly abide by the rules,
especially 367-B, Section 17...
[ALL LAUGHING]
Well, anyway, um,
when all is said and done,
you have to ask, what will the mail be
without Cliff Clavin?
ALL:
On time!
CLIFF:
Twitchell, thank you very much.
I just wanna thank you, Cliff,
for all the great times
we had at Cheers.
Well, you were always
there for me, Al.
I'm Phil.
Al's been dead for 14 years,
you dumb son of a bitch.
Well, you know, I hadn't planned
on, uh, making a speech,
so my remarks
will have to be extemporaneous.
I hope that means dirty.
Smart money's on long.
It was about ten years ago
when I, too, left Boston.
But the kind wishes and outpouring
of emotion from my friends
remain fresh in my mind.
I still remember Sam
throwing me a lavish party
and dubbing me
the Einstein of Cheers,
against my modest protest
that I was merely the Niels Bohr.
[CHUCKLES]
You still are.
Carla, thank you. Ha.
And then, of course,
Norm begging me to stay,
and that comical moment
when Woody threw his arms
around my legs and began to cry. I...
Well... And now another of us
is leaving this wonderful town.
Good luck, Cliff.
ALL:
Hear, hear.
Great.
I was gonna say "good luck, Cliff."
FRASIER: Please hold our table.
We'll be there in a half hour.
[FOOTSTEPS]
Cliff, are you all right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just, uh...
Whew-hoo, gotta take a break
from all that partying. Heh, heh.
Hmm...
All right, you pried it out of me.
It's my so-called friends.
They don't care about me.
Oh, sure they do.
No, your toast in there
brought home the ugly truth.
You know, when you left,
everybody asked you to stay.
I mean, I told these bullocks
six months ago I was retiring,
and not one single one of them
said anything like, uh:
"Yeah, I'm sure gonna miss you there,
uh, Big Shooter."
Or, "Gee, I wish you could
stick around, Big Shooter."
Big Shooter?
Yeah, it's a nickname
I once gave myself.
Well, Cliff, you know,
it's entirely possible
that your friends are suffering
from a kind of, uh, separation anxiety.
They may find it difficult
to admit to themselves
that you are actually leaving.
You know, I could have
a little talk with them if you'd like.
Huh. Well, what kind of hollow victory
would that be?
If I walk around the block,
would that give you time?
Sure.
Uh, everybody, uh, listen up.
Um, Cliff is going through
a kind of a crisis about leaving.
No, no, he's not. No crisis.
It would go a long way
toward helping him
if you could just let him know
how much you're gonna miss him.
Tell him, you know,
how sad you are that he's leaving.
NORM:
I don't know, Fras.
Look, I'm his best friend,
but I am no good at the mushy stuff.
Surely you can come up
with a few words.
Yeah, but what if he cries?
You know,
what if he tries to hug me?
What are people gonna think,
two guys hugging? I, uh...
Hey, you're gonna kiss him
with tongue
if that's what it takes
to get rid of him.
Shh, okay, here he is.
Everyone pretend you like him.
- Carla, we do like him.
- Yeah, like that.
[PAUL CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, I wanna make a toast.
Cliff, you've always been
my role model.
CLIFF:
Really? You...? You mean that, Paul?
I sure do.
Especially when it comes to the ladies.
I'm sad you're going.
CARLA: Yeah.
ALL: Hear, hear.
Cliff, I will miss you too,
you dumb son of a bitch.
ALL:
Hear, hear.
I haven't known you
for very long, Cliff,
but I've learned so much from you.
I never knew
that the Indians of the rainforest
used to stretch out pig intestines
and use it as a primitive telephone.
Or that Winston Churchill
invented the modern English muffin.
You're a fascinating man.
- Good luck.
CLIFF: Oh. Ah, thank you, Daphne.
He's smooth.
Congratulations, Cliff.
Stop that. Stop it.
Cliffie, we've been best friends
for a long, long time.
We've done a lot of stuff together.
Most of it dumb,
the rest of it boring.
But it's like we have this connection,
you know?
I mean, somehow we know
when we wanna be dumb
and when we wanna be boring.
I don't know
what I'm gonna do without you.
To my best friend, Cliff.
ALL:
To Cliff.
Come here, you.
Carla, don't you
have a few words to say?
I sure do.
Cliffie,
I know that things
haven't always been that great
between us over the years,
but, well, being here tonight
makes me think
about the effect that you've had
on my life.
I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
It's okay, Carla.
I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
...but it sticks in my throat
like your rotten devilled eggs!
I hate your guts!
The way you talk and talk and talk
about nothing!
The way you walk,
your stupid white socks...
FRASIER: Carla...
- Back off! I'm toasting!
The 20 years I have known you
would've been less painful
if I was covered with open sores
and thrown into a pit
with a bunch of diseased rats!
But now, finally, you're leaving.
I know I'm not as young
as I used to be,
but I can live again.
I can live again!
Finally, I can live! I can live!
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
Anyway, God bless.
Well, I can't believe my ears.
When I heard Paul and Norm there
saying all those nice things about me,
I actually started thinking, uh:
"Maybe I shouldn't go to Florida
and leave all my friends."
You know,
"Am I doing the right thing?"
But when I heard you speak those
words, Carla, that's when I decided.
I am gonna stay.
- What?
- That's right, you little dickens.
You only joke about somebody like that
when you really care for them.
I wasn't joking. I really hate you.
Oh, Carla, come on.
You're gonna make me cry now.
Everybody, the move is off.
No! No!
[CHATTERING]
[CLIFF LAUGHING]
[CARLA GRUNTS]
Oh, Frasier,
I owe this all to you.
Frasier, we were so close,
and then you had to show up
and ruin everything!
Well, we've got dinner reservations.
Uh...
Hey, everybody,
thanks for all the gifts,
but, uh, I don't have much use
for a spear gun here in Boston.
- Give me that! Give me that!
FRASIER: Carla, Carla!
- Please!
CARLA: No, give me that gun!
[CARLA YELLING]
FRASIER:
Get her out of here.
CARLA:
Let me go! No!
Stop it! Stop it now!
Well, see you around, Big Shooter.
Thanks, doc.
Good luck, Cliff.
Any time you're in Seattle...
Frasier has an extra room.
Marty, you're not going too,
are you?
Yeah, I have to. Why don't you come
to Seattle some time?
I'll show you around.
We'll have a few beers at McGinty's.
- Yeah? You mean that?
- Absolutely.
It's only six hours flying time
from here.
Six hours,
you know, sitting there in one place,
never moving...
That's, uh... That's just not me,
you know?
True thanks.
Listen, I'm sorry
that I ruined your evening.
Oh, uh, actually I ended up
rather enjoying myself.
Really? Well, I can't tell you
how happy I am to hear that.
I knew once you met these people,
you'd learn to love them as I do.
Yes, actually, I've rethought
a lot of things.
I'm going to give you
a much-deserved introduction
at that conference tomorrow.
- Are you certain?
- Oh, you won't be able to stop me.
Oh...