Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 20 - The Love You Fake - full transcript

Well, gosh, what'd I just find
in my pocket?

Is that tri-tip with peanut butter?

It is.

DAPHNE:
Mm. No luck?

He's definitely
coming down with something.

Yeah. Well, I guess
I'm gonna have to eat these myself.

Good idea. Reverse psychology.

What do you mean?

Well, Joe has found the source
of the leak in my ceiling.

It is Cam Winston's brand-new
washing machine.

By Godfrey,
this time he's gone too far.



As if his noise and noxious presence
at the condo meetings

weren't bad enough.

Have you ever heard of anything
more fury inspiring?

I certainly have not.

Imagine the cheek of the man
installing an illegal washer-dryer.

Oh, they're not illegal.
A lot of the units have them.

You guys have a hook-up in the hall
closet where you keep all those hats.

First of all, I had completely forgotten
about the hook-up.

Second of all, I believe the Homburg
is poised for a comeback.

And third,
we have a more immediate problem

in the form of the evil waters
of Cam Winston.

Yeah, about that. Maybe you could ask
Mr. Winston to not use the machine

until we get that leak patched.

Wrong! We've got
to teach Cam a lesson



and shut his water off right now.

That's, uh, not our standard
operating procedure.

Well, I could compensate you
for your pains.

I gotta go all the way down
to the basement.

Perhaps this will help persuade you.

Might get me as far as 6.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, all.

It's called a Segway.

My friend Raul at the university
is doing an experiment

on the psychological effects
of technology,

- and he asked me to ride it around.
- Well, how do you like it?

Walking is but a distant memory.

Better yet, I can redirect
the unused energy to other pursuits

such as playing squash
or lovemaking.

Oh, Niles.

I'm sorry, I'd love to stay and gawk,
but I'm at war. Come, Joe.

- What was that about?
- Oh, Cam Winston.

Hey, can I have a ride on that thing?

Nothing would please me more.
But no.

One of the conditions
of the experiment

is that I can't share the Segway
with anyone.

Not even you, Daphne. I'm sorry.

I can't believe you agreed to that.

Well, it was damned difficult,
let me tell you.

But I'll make a note of your
disappointment in my daily write-up.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, I know we can't ride it,
but there's a poor sick little dog here...

Dad, again, saying no

is one of the prices
we are all paying for science.

Now, who wants a Fudgsicle?

Good afternoon.

- Hello, Mr. Winston.
- Hey, Cam, come on in.

Is Frasier at home?

Someone has shut off my water,
and I suspect his hand is at the spigot.

Oh, jeez,
that doesn't sound like Fras.

Then you don't know
what he's capable of.

What's the matter with your dog?
He looks a little glassy-eyed.

He's got a bug.
I gotta take him to the vet.

Oh, well, my mother's a vet,

and she happens to be
staying with me.

I'm sure she wouldn't mind
taking a look, even if it is Frasier's dog.

Oh, no, he's mine.
Frasier can't stand him.

Yeah, when he's healthy,
he jumps on Dr. Crane's bed,

drools on his pillow,
chews on his slippers.

Really?

We gotta get this little rascal
back up on his feet.

[LAUGHING]

I've done some calculating,
and in the last nine years,

I've carried 2.8 tons of laundry
approximately 106.4 miles

back and forth to the basement.

That's the same as carrying an SUV
on my back to Canada.

Maybe we should ask him
to buy a washer-dryer.

DAPHNE:
Oh, there's an idea.

I was gonna suggest
moving the apartment

closer to the laundry room.

Oh, hello, Dr. Winston.

Hello, Daphne, Martin.

MARTIN: Hi.
- I just came by to check on my patient.

Oh, he's much better.
I'm off to do the laundry.

You don't have your own here?

No, we have a hat museum.

- How's our boy?
- Oh, he's doing great.

Those antibiotics worked wonders.

- How about a cup of coffee?
- Thanks. Cream, no sugar.

MARTIN: Okay.
- He looks good.

Well, Eddie's tough.
Plus, the smartest dog ever.

I always thought Border collies
were the smartest dogs.

[LAUGHING]

Well, it's obvious you haven't had
much exposure to dogs.

Uh, what were you,
a zoo doctor?

No, I just treat pets
and their owners' egos.

Ho, ho, yeah, tell me.
Cat people.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, it's really handy
having a vet right here in the building.

It's only temporary.

They're doing some remodelling
on my house.

It was only supposed to take
a few weeks. Then Cam found out.

Suddenly I'm getting
new bay windows

and a kitchen
based on something he saw

in English Home magazine.

- You have no idea.
- No, unfortunately, I do.

Hello, Dad. Oh, Dr. Winston.

Hello, Frasier.
Martin, I've got to be going.

Oh, okay. Well, thanks
for stopping by to see Eddie.

Oh, it was no problem.

Oh, Frasier, I almost forgot.
This is for you from Cam.

Oh, well, thank you, Dr. Winston.

Nice seeing you again.

Bye.

What was that about?

Oh, she just came to see Eddie.
Kind of a medical/social visit.

Social?

Dear God, don't tell me that you
and that scoundrel's mother...

Hey, Frasier, take it easy.
We just had a cup of coffee.

[FRASIER SIGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Yes, all the pieces suddenly fit.

- What is it?
- It's a bill from Cam.

Turning off his water
has ruined the clothes

that were in his washing machine.

Those clothes were already ruined
just by being on Cam Winston.

Well, then don't pay it.
Have another fight.

The battle is joined. I will not let that...
That Mata Hari drag you into this.

From this day forward,
no more Winstons in, this, my house.

- Hey, Marty.
- Oh, hi, Cora.

Oh, be careful. Frasier catches you
petting Eddie, it'll be the pound for him.

Cam actually forbade me
from coming to your apartment.

And they're so alike,
you'd think they'd get along.

[MARTIN LAUGHS]

Hi, Cam.

Good afternoon, Mr. Crane.

Come along, Mother.
I've already checked the mail.

I'll be up in a minute.
Don't worry.

Very well.

Carry on.

I can't believe that's my son.
What has gotten into him?

Oh, why would they want
to drag us into their feud?

I think it's because
if we're friends,

then they have to at least
try to be nice.

Ha, ha. Hey, you know what?
We should get married.

- Really make them suffer.
- Oh, my.

It'd be worth it just to see
the looks on their faces.

[LAUGHING]

- Dad?
MARTIN: Oh.

Dr. Winston.
I see you've checked the mail already.

Oh, yeah, here you go.

CORA: Good morning.
- Morning. Is he still asleep?

I just heard his alarm,
so we have to hurry.

Okay. I can't believe we're doing this.
It's so mean.

I know. Isn't it great?

- Good morning, sweetheart.
- Oh, hello, Cam.

Hello.

Oh, flip you for the sports page.

Oh, I don't have a quarter.
I'll just get my pants.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Can I fix you
some breakfast, baby?

Uh, just toast and coffee.

I was talking to Cam.

[LAUGHING]

Whoops.

You know, actually,
I'm not that hungry.

I'll get something
on the way to work.

Psst.

- That was perfect.
- Yeah.

You don't think we went too far,
do you?

Not yet.

FRASIER:
Daphne!

Daphne!

Daphne! Da...

Dr. Winston.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Yes. Good morning.

How did this...?

- How did you sleep?
MARTIN: Oh.

Like a couple of logs.

More like two baby kittens
curled up in a tight, fuzzy ball.

[LAUGHING]

God, you're cute.
Isn't she, Frasier?

- Oh, dear, I should probably go.
- Oh...

- Bye, sweetie.
- Bye, sweetheart.

Bye, Frasier.

Goodbye.

Nice to see you.

What the hell's going on?

What does it look like?

Dad, are you crazy?

She's a Winston.
She's probably just leading you on

so she can break your heart.

That's exactly the kind of thing
Cam would do to hurt me.

Boy, you know, I finally find a woman
I like and who seems to like me,

and all you can think about
is your stupid feud.

I'm just a little surprised. I didn't realise
things were going so fast.

Well, then it's a good thing
you found out,

because things could get
more serious. A lot more serious.

What does that mean?

Well, let's just say
I wouldn't mind having a stepson.

Dad, now you're just provoking me,
aren't you?

Dad?

Dad?

Are you?

Good morning, Dr. Crane.

There you are.

What is the meaning of this?

Where is his mate?

I'm sorry. I don't know
what you're talking about.

My favourite pair of socks
reduced to a single argyle.

Nor is this the only example.

The keen observer yesterday
would have noticed

that I left the apartment
wearing two shades of black.

Explanation, please.

I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.

I'm forced
to do the laundry downstairs,

and I guess your socks are just
too tempting to the neighbours.

Of course, you're welcome to go
down there yourself and stand guard.

I see.

And if we had our own
washer-dryer,

there would be
no more lost socks.

I will not be strong-armed
by threats against my laundry.

Suit yourself.

I'm off to do a load of your pinks.

- I don't have any pinks.
- You will.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

ROZ: Are you okay?
FRASIER: I'm fine.

You seem like you've been
in a lousy mood lately.

It's just that they put
soymilk in my latte.

I don't like soymilk.

If it doesn't come from a teat
or an udder, it isn't milk.

Oh, terrific.

Here comes Niles on his fabulous
showing-up-Frasier contraption.

All he wants is attention,
so don't give him any.

[GASPS]

Greetings, foot people.

How are things
back in the twentieth century?

- Wow, that looks like fun.
- Fun? I suppose it is.

I never really thought about it.

You see, the Segway
is more of a productivity tool.

- Yeah, do you think I could...?
- No, go away.

Not the only tool.

Uh... Oh, I haven't ordered yet.

It's on the house.
We love the machine.

NILES:
That is so nice.

You know,
I think I've seen just about enough.

Free food and drink just because
you've shown them something new.

I tell you what, let's all paint our
bottoms and run to the sandwich shop.

My, my. Feelings of inadequacy.
Typical reaction from the unwheeled.

I'll make a note
of your grumpiness.

If I'm grumpy,
it's because of Cam Winston.

Do you realise that Dad
and Cam's mother are dating?

Yes, I do, and I think it's great.

Honestly, Frasier,
you have to loosen up.

Openness to new ideas
is the hallmark of our new century.

- Don't you hope he gets hit by a car?
- Mm.

Excuse me. Can I please
get another cup of coffee?

No soymilk this time.

So that's what's bugging you.

- Your dad has a new girlfriend.
- Hmm?

No, I'm just afraid
he's gonna get hurt.

No, you're afraid
you have to be nice to Cam.

I am nice. Cam's insufferable.

Okay, fine. Whatever.
Here's what I'd do.

Be the first one to make peace.

Then you'll be the bigger man
to your dad and to his girlfriend,

and it'll drive Cam nuts.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

That's good, Roz.

Seize the high ground.

You know, I'll offer Cam an apology
and he'll be trumped.

[FRASIER CHUCKLING]

Hello.

Cam.

I was just about to call you.

A truce, you say?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

You're break... Up.

I'm afraid my ba... Is low on pow...

Son of a bitch
is trying to steal my high ground.

Hello, Crane.
Glad you could make it, I guess.

Spare me your honey-glazed
pleasantries, Cam.

I am here to roll up my sleeves
and end our feud.

As am I. That's why I called you.

Just for the record,
it was my idea to apologise first.

Well, that seems appropriate,

since you're the one who shut off
the water and ruined my clothes.

That, sir, is a fraction of the story.

Since you moved
into this building,

you have encroached upon
my parking space,

you have undermined my position
with the condo board,

and you killed
a magnificent Virginia creeper.

Which you gleefully encouraged
to climb the balcony

and choke my dangling ivy.

I thought it was marijuana.

Dangling ivy
looks nothing like marijuana.

Well, I'm sure I wouldn't know.

This is getting us nowhere, Crane.

Agreed. Agreed.

I guess we'll never really see
eye to eye,

but I am resolved to put aside our
differences for the sake of our parents.

For the sake of our parents.

Where are they anyway?

Downstairs watching Court TV.

Ah. It's all about romance
with you Cranes, isn't it?

Now, you see, there you go again.

I lower my guard,
you slap me in the face.

All right, I apologise.

And as a token of my sincerity,
I pledge to pay for whatever damage

my washer-dryer
may have caused.

Well done.

And in the same spirit
of hatchet burying,

I agree to pay
for your ruined clothes. Cheers.

Yeah.

Since things seem to be off
on such a good foot,

perhaps now is the time
to discuss the mailbox situation.

You wanna switch, don't you?

As a tall man, I dislike
having to stoop for my mail.

Indeed.

Well, I would prefer
to set aside that explosive issue

until we're sure
the truce will hold.

I see.

Fair enough.

Unless you're willing to agree on some
sort of noise-abatement framework.

You see, you have
a unique sliding gait, Cam.

When you wear your heeled boots,
the resultant:

Shh, clop, shh, clop, shh clop,

well, it just sounds like
a dancing pony in my apartment.

Perhaps we should get some paper
so we can write all this down.

Fine. I will arrange an introduction
to my sweater weaver.

Good. Thank you.

But then I must insist
on the formula to your bath blend.

I think we were closer
on an earlier draft.

Concur.

- Hey, Niles.
- Mm-hm.

That Truffaut film you like
is playing down at the LaSalle.

Oh, sounds tempting.

Oh, but the people behind me
wouldn't be able to see.

I guess we'll stay in then.

I'm going to go take a bath.

It's too bad you have to stay on that.
I could use a third and a fourth hand.

NILES:
Oh... Uh... Uh...

Wait, wait, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne,
there we go.

Coming. You wait there.
I'll light the candles.

So long, sucker. Ha!

NILES: Daphne, what are you doing?
- Whoo!

Hold the door. Whoo-hoo!

Whoa! Ho! Whoo!

MARTIN: Hey, boys.
- Have you two been fighting?

FRASIER:
On the contrary.

Cam and I
are here to announce

the cessation
of all hostilities between us.

We are officially friends.

- As defined by the treaty.
- Ah.

Well, that means a lot to us.

Oh, I think it's safe to say that we've
entered a whole new era of cooper...

Did you get that
at Mueller's Antiques?

Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
It represents a great triumph for me.

I snatched it from under the nose
of a collector who had actually put a...

You were saying it's a new era
of cooperation. How wonderful.

You should celebrate.

The two of you
should go to the symphony tonight.

Uh, but I thought
you and I were going.

I'm going to stay here with Martin.

- Well, I suppose.
- Well, then you'd better hurry.

Cam likes to preorder
his intermission cocktail.

Oh. You mean you don't have
a standing order?

Well, we'd better hurry then.
We'll take my car.

I've seen you drive.
We'll take mine.

What, your Humvee? I think not.

Not in front of the parents, Crane.

DAPHNE: Whoo-hoo!
NILES: Daphne, Daphne, Daphne.

I can't believe they're gonna
spend the whole evening together.

Oh, I know. If they get through it alive,
we should probably tell them the truth.

Yeah.

Too bad. It was fun
being your boyfriend for a few days.

- It was.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Still, all good things
must come to an end.

But who knows when?