Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 22 - Frasier Has Spokane - full transcript

So just remember,

when you're standing there
out on the...

Why hasn't Frasier
mentioned the Spokane thing yet?

I don't know. I'm sure we'll get to it
by the end of the show.

Well, he better. Because I left him
a memo and an e-mail

specifically asking him
to promote this Spokane thing.

Now, ignoring an e-mail's one thing,
but a memo and an e-mail?

I may have to bring the hammer down
and leave a Post-it on his desk.

Which brings me to a bit of news.

Monday, there will be a new addition
to the Frasier Crane radio family.

The city of Spokane.



Ooh, thank goodness.

Man, that was like the Cuban Missile
Crisis for a moment, wasn't it?

In fact, KQZY is not only
going to be carrying the show,

but they've invited Roz and me
to conduct Monday's broadcast

from their studios in Spokane.

But fret not, Seattle.

Although my body
will be 300 miles away,

my heart will be firmly lodged
in your radios.

You know, that sounded a lot better
this morning in the shower.

Anyway, good day
and good mental health.

- I thought Friday was your bath day.
- Well, I woke up late.

What time do you want me
to pick up you and Roger?

Ooh, there's been a change in plans.
Roger is not coming to Spokane.

Really? Well, nothing wrong,
I hope.



We broke up.

Oh, Roz, I'm so sorry.

We talked about some problems
we'd been having

and decided, you know,
we'd be better off apart.

- When did this happen?
- Last week.

- Last week?
- I didn't tell you,

because I didn't want to have
a long conversation.

I understand.

You must be going through a lot.
Back in private practise,

- I used to tell my Grief group that...
- See, this is exactly what I mean.

I appreciate your concern,
but I am fine.

Really.

Okay.

Boy, what a surprise.

- No more Roger.
- I know.

Yes. He had a rare kind of dignity

and integrity you don't see much of
nowadays.

Especially among people
who own a bench press.

I don't believe I've ever met anyone
with that combination of gentility

and brute strength.

Well, not anybody single.

[LAUGHS]

- I'm not helping, am I?
- No.

Niles, I thought you and Daphne
were going out tonight.

She's still getting ready. Hey, Frasier,
am I dressed appropriately

for something called Bananarama?

You're in Armani.
Who could object?

- Hey, guys.
FRASIER: Dad.

Uh, just lean it up
against the window there, will you?

- What is this?
- It's mahogany.

Real straight grain too. I found it
outside the construction site next door.

They were gonna throw it away.

Dad, I thought
we had this discussion

when you found that mattress
on the side of the highway.

But this isn't for resale.
I'm gonna make a TV table out of it.

Thanks, fellas. Isn't it a beaut?

There's a ketchup packet stuck to it.

Oh, it's gonna feel good
to break out the tools,

roll up my sleeves

and make something
with my own two hands.

FRASIER:
Are you sure this is a good idea?

Woodworking has never really been
your strength.

Yeah. I think the scariest words
of my childhood were:

"Your father needs your help
down in the basement."

I must have done something right.
I made a lot of good stuff.

Even with directions,
you could never assemble anything.

I remember a playset where the slide
ended right in front of the swings.

- I don't remember that.
- I know. Sorry.

Now, I'm gonna build a TV table,
and I need a number one helper.

- Whose turn is it?
- No, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I am leaving for Spokane on Sunday.
I will not be available.

- Your show's not till Monday.
- Yes, well, I have sponsors to meet.

I have press interviews
and photo sessions.

Niles, this is a very big step
in my career.

If I can prove that my brand of radio
travels well,

perhaps I can parlay Spokane
into Denver, Chicago.

Maybe even New York City.

- Well, you win, buddy.
- Oh.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Be sure to wear some work gloves.
Oh, and some coveralls.

We don't want a repeat of that
necktie-in-the-bandsaw incident.

Oh, great. With my luck,

there'll be a baseball game
on the radio too.

It won't be so bad.

How can you say that?

You once tried to report him
to the Child Labor Board.

I was being proactive. You used to
lock yourself in the bathroom to cry.

I didn't go in there to cry.
I went in to regather my patience.

Say, Niles, why don't you ask Daphne
to fill in for you?

- Daphne?
- Well, why not?

She's gonna owe you big-time
after this banana event.

No, no, it's a concert.
And I hardly think it compares

to the torture of assisting Dad.

All right, I'm ready.

Oh, Niles, you're not going
in those clothes.

Come with me. I got you some hair gel
and parachute pants.

HERM:
Okay, here's the drill.

I'll introduce you to the reporters,

they'll ask you questions,
try not to go on too much.

The faster we get them
to the courtesy liquor, the better.

Oh, don't worry, Herm.

I'll get my message across.
You see, I'm a bit of a puppeteer

when it comes to the press.

Good.

But still, liquor.

Oh, sorry I'm late, doc.

I, uh, had a situation at the hotel,

but it's under control now.

Judging from the pillow wrinkles
on your cheek, it was a nap situation.

- Point is, it's under control.
- Ah.

Kenny Daly.
Don't say hi or anything?

Herm Evans.

So how's our star doing?

- Everything go okay with the CPSs?
- Terrific.

- And your ExecComm?
- Oh, they're thrilled.

- What about the M&M's?
- Help yourself.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Roz.

Let me introduce you to Herm Evans,
the station manager.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you, Roz.

- Thank you.
- Now that everybody's here,

- I'll go get the reporters.
- Right, right.

Uh, Roz, listen,
sure you're up to this?

Yeah, why? Why wouldn't I be?

Well, it's been a tough time lately,
you know, with the Roger situation.

Oh, knock it off, Frasier, I'm fine.

- You're sure?
- Yes.

I wouldn't blame you
if you were struggling.

I mean, my head would be filled
with "what if"s and "if only"s and...

Oh, God forbid,
the looming question:

"What if I'll never again
have a chance...?"

Ooh, here comes the press.
All right, big smiles.

HERM:
Thanks for coming, everybody.

Hey, Matt, is that a new tie
or did you just have it cleaned?

[BOTH LAUGH]

There'll be plenty of time
for that cheese plate

after you've fallen in love
with KQZY's proud new addition,

- Dr. Frasier Crane.
- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'd like to take this opportunity
to introduce

my lovely producing partner,
Roz Doyle.

I'm looking forward to becoming part
of the radio landscape in Spokane.

Dr. Crane, how do you feel

about taking over
Neal Sullivan's time slot?

- I'm sorry, who?
HERM: Nobody.

It's a guy you're replacing.

Nobody? He's been
a Spokane institution for 30 years.

HERM:
Yes, we all saw your column.

You know what would make
another great column?

Dr. Crane went to Harvard and Oxford.
Wow.

No offence, Dr. Crane, your degrees
aren't going to make us forget Sully.

And I don't intend that they should.

I don't want you to forget anyone.

- I'm here to help people.
CATHY: Sully helps people.

Every Fourth of July, he organizes
a group of troubled teens

and cleans up all the trash
on the riverbanks.

Will we be seeing you
on the Fourth of July?

Hey, what's this over here?

Free liquor?

REPORTERS: Hey, Sully.
- Hey, guys.

Don't let me interrupt.

I, uh, just clearing out a few things
from my desk.

Just wanted to stop by
and wish my successor luck.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much,
Mr. Sullivan.

As someone who has served Spokane,
your blessing is appreciated.

You don't need my blessing.
I'm just a simple man

with a passion for Spokane
in his heart

and a termination notice
in his pocket. Heh.

Sully, will you be listening
to Dr. Crane's show tomorrow?

Not sure, Cathy.
I've been going around on that one

like the horses on the Looff.

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry, the Looff?

- It's a carousel.
- Oh.

I guess you have to be in the city more
than three hours to know that. Ha-ha.

Sully, what are you going to do
with your time now?

Good question, Frank.

When my dad retired,
he died a month later.

Take that any way you like.

But, uh, you know what, fellas?

You really should be asking Dr. Crane
the questions.

If anyone needs me,
I'll be down the street at Mulligan's,

buying rounds.

- Keep smiling.
REPORTERS: We'll miss you.

Let's hear it for Sully.

[SINGING] For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny
Which nobody can...

I think we're going to need
a smaller drill bit.

- Where's the chuck key?
- The what?

You know, that thing there.

The tightener.

- It's called the chuck key.
- Well, maybe in England.

Here in the U.S.,
it doesn't have a specific name.

- Did you get the wood screws?
- Oh, damn.

I forgot to pick them up
at the hardware store.

Don't worry. I'll fetch them.

No, that's all right. I'll get them.

- You get started gluing the footpads.
- All right.

Watch out for the extension cord.

That's the orange electricity hose.

I know what it is.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Niles.

I thought you were busy
with an emergency at Northwest.

I was. I just finished.

This is my guest badge
that has today's date on it.

You can't fake that.

Uh-huh.

- See you in a half-hour.
NILES: All right.

You look adorable.

[CHUCKLING]

- You look like the princess of safety.
- Ha-ha.

Look, I'm so sorry for roping you
into this.

Oh, don't be.

It reminds me of when I used to mess
about in the garage with my brothers.

We used to build all sorts of things.

Splints, crutches, peg legs.

Still, you're sweet to help Dad.
I don't think I could take his bossiness.

- Oh, he's not so bad.
- Hmm.

Could you hand me a rag?

Uh, sure.

Any interest in sneaking off to your
room while the foreman's away?

That sounds lovely.

But first I have to get these pads on.

- Can you press on this for a moment?
- Yeah, no problem.

Maybe later we'll try out my
Wagner for Lovers CD.

- I need another rag.
- Oh, uh, coming up.

Can you grab me
some sandpaper too?

Oh, uh, yeah, sure. Of course.

Don't press too tight,
or the pad will slide.

- Here, careful. Even pressure, like this.
- Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Yeah? Well, then, why is glue
squirting out?

- I need the rag.
- Oh, okay.

I never said I was good at carpentry.

Carpentry? This is gluing felt. Ha.

Can you hand me the square?

No, no, no. That one.

Why is the pad hanging off the side?

Well, I think that it slipped
when I was handing you the rags

and the sandpaper and the square,
and by the way, you're welcome.

By the way, still waiting
for that sandpaper.

Okay, let's stop. Ahem.

[SIGHS]

This is as bad as working with Dad.

Look, Niles, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

I'm just trying to get this done
and get it done well.

Okay?

Okay.

I love you.

I love you too.

And yet I'm still waiting
for that sandpaper.

You know, this layout doesn't allow us
to do any call screening.

But I guess you can still just check
the sound levels.

Oh, boy, the sound levels?

"Dear Diary, after years and years
of wishing..."

Yes, all right, Roz.

- Hey, doc, everything all right here?
- Yeah, it's fine.

Guess who gets to check
the sound levels.

Roz, I said, all right.

I wanted to make sure you're relaxed,
ready, and haven't read today's paper.

FRASIER:
I read it.

Everything from the salute to Sully

to the cartoon of me and Satan
doing a jig on Sully's coffin.

About that. It might be a good idea
to steer clear

of any on-air references to Sully.

On the contrary, I intend
to confront this situation head-on.

I intend to reach out to the listeners,

ease their suffering,
and demonstrate what we do best.

Now, that's the kind of attitude
this station needs.

Of course, if your ratings are low,
I still have to fire you.

[LAUGHS]

What a crazy business, huh?
Ha-ha-ha.

Ten seconds.

- Knock them dead.
- Right.

[WHISPERS]
Good luck.

Hello and welcome.

From Seattle to Spokane,

this is the
Frasier Crane Radio Network.

We are broadcasting today
from the Lilac City,

where we have just replaced
a beloved local icon, Neal Sullivan.

Now, Sully did a lot for this city,

and in my own way,

I hope to make the same
kind of contribution that he did.

With that in mind,
let's go to the phones.

Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.

MAN [OVER RADIO]:
Go back to Seattle.

[DIAL TONE]

How was the level on that?

Now, now, people, I understand
how you might be angry.

There's nothing wrong with venting,

but please stay on the line
long enough for me to respond.

Go ahead, I'm listening.

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
Hey, I'm letting all the Sully fans know

we're boycotting KQZ Y
until he comes back. Sully rules.

Now, people, please. We need to talk.
We need to move forward.

Otherwise, we're just gonna be
going around and around

like the horses on the Looff.
Ha-ha-ha.

[DIAL TONE]

All right, well, you know,
perhaps our callers from Seattle

could help show the new folks
how it's done.

I'm afraid we don't have any calls
from Seattle.

This is strange. Um...

Perhaps this would be a good time
to go to a commercial

here on the Frasier Crane
Radio Network.

Hey, hey, you're doing great.

I am not. They hate me.

Okay, uh,
since we're being straight, um,

Herm doesn't think it's going
very well.

Yes, well, where's my support?

Where are the callers from Seattle?

Seattle isn't getting the signal.

Something's obviously screwed up
at KACL.

Oh, it's not KACL. It's that transmitter
you bought off the Ukrainian Internet.

Hey, 20 minutes ago,
you were impressed

with that Ukrainian Internet.

I'm sure the people of Spokane
would get onboard

if they could get some understanding
of what we actually do.

We could use an example.

Like a sample call.

- Are you asking me to call in?
- Roz, please?

Tell you what. Make up something.
Anything.

Okay.

Five seconds.

Hello, and welcome back
to the Frasier Crane Show.

We are broadcasting today
from KQZY

in beautiful Spokane.

Let's go to the phones.

Hello, caller. I'm listening.

Hi, Dr. Crane.

My name is Roberta,

and, um, I'm afraid of the dark.

What is it about the dark
that frightens you?

Um...

I don't really know.

I see. All right, well, uh, let's explore.

Often, a fear of darkness is

a fear of the unknown.

It is in darkness
when our imaginations give shape

to our deepest anxieties.

What image comes to mind for you?

Nothing, actually.

Nothing?

Yeah. When everything disappears,

there's nothing.

Just emptiness.

I see.

And what is it about the emptiness
that frightens you?

It's...

...lonely, for one thing.

Have you always felt this way?

For a while, I didn't.

What was different then?

I had somebody.

A guy I really liked.

And then we broke up.

[SOBBING]

God, Frasier, I miss him so much.

I don't know how I fell in love again.

I mean, I swore I wouldn't.

I knew better.

I should have known better.

And then, sure enough,

six months in, he tells me
there's no fireworks.

And what am I supposed to say?

I'm so sorry.

But listen to me.

You can't blame yourself
for letting someone into your heart.

Love is always a risk.

But you have to take it.

The pain you're feeling now
will pass in time,

and you'll find yourself ready
to take that risk again.

Until then,

take comfort in your friends.

They want to help you.

They love you.

Yeah, thanks.

You're welcome.

[ROZ SOBBING]

ROZ:
Oh, my God.

FRASIER:
Right.

Okay, Spokane, uh,

let's hear what
you have to say, uh... Ahem.

Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
Hi, Dr. Crane.

I was going to say you suck.

But while the phone was ringing,

I heard that last caller.
I just want to tell her to hang in there.

That's very kind of you.

Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.

MAN [OVER RADIO]:
Hi. My name's Carl.

Hello, Carl.

I'm kind of going through the same
thing as that Roberta woman.

Really? Well, perhaps you could share
your experience with us,

and possibly help Roberta
and some of our other listeners.

Well, it's hard to talk about. Uh...

She hasn't technically
dumped me yet,

but I'm pretty sure it's coming.

I don't know if I should
bring it up first

or just avoid the whole subject
and hope things get better. I mean...

Well, Carl, uh,

these problems
rarely resolve themselves.

I realise that an honest conversation
at this point

may be a little daunting...

I'm finished.

It turned out great.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

You were a big help.
I couldn't have done it without you.

- You mean it?
- Absolutely.

Come and take a look.

Oh, that is sharp.

Niles, come look at the table.

I like the footpads.