Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 17 - Three Blind Dates - full transcript

DAPHNE: Hey, Roz.
- Hey, Daphne.

- Hey, Niles.
- Come on in.

Is Frasier here? I need him to approve
the latest version of his bio.

Why does he keep updating his bio?
What's changed in the last few years?

Oh. His date of birth.

He's now four years younger
than I am.

Well, that's silly.
Does everyone fake their age in radio?

- No.
- Oh.

Oh, Roz, please sit down.

I'm glad you're here.
There's something we want to ask you.

[DAPHNE CLEARS THROAT]



When Niles and I get married,

it would make us very happy
if you would serve as maid of honour.

- Really?
- Yeah.

[GIGGLES]

I'm so touched.
I don't know what to say.

- Oh, of course. Of course I'll do it.
NILES: Ha, ha.

And now set aside September 1 st.

Oh, is that Labour Day weekend?

Yeah. Is that a problem?

Well, there's this picnic I always go to,
and I make the potato salad.

What am I saying?

Your wedding is more important
than potato salad. Or any salad.

Then it's settled.

I'll make the potato salad
the night before,



and I'll just get someone...

I'll figure it out.

- Hello, all.
ROZ: Hi.

Look who's here.
It's my little brother Frasier.

- I brought your new bio.
FRASIER: Oh, yes.

I'll deal with that tomorrow, Roz.
I gotta be cross town in half an hour.

I'm previewing
the new Benjamin Locklear exhibit,

then I'm having dinner
with the artist afterward.

It promises to be
a very exciting evening.

And what lucky lady
are you sharing it with?

Well, I'm going alone.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
FRASIER: Don't be.

Truth is, I'm a pretty terrific date.

Yes. I know when to arrive,
I know when to call it a night,

and, frankly,
I always leave myself wanting more.

Oh, it's too bad Dr. Crane
doesn't have anyone

- to share these things with.
- I know.

When was the last time
he seriously dated anyone?

Well, that would be Claire,
but that was months ago.

We should set him up
with someone.

Well, it seems to me
he's choosing not to date.

I have this friend at yoga
he might like.

No, she sounds flaky.
I have the perfect person for him.

Well, you know,
he's always been completely capable

of meeting people on his own.

No. We should go with my person first.
You don't have the best track record.

Me? Whenever you've set me up
with guys,

I knew they were losers
the second I saw them.

Turned out to be bad in bed too.

Well, there's no reason we both
can't try to set him up with someone.

Okay. But we have to find someone
who's gorgeous, sexy and smart.

Smart's good,
but I'm not a fanatic about it.

It's not for you. It's for Dr. Crane.

Yes. Even though he's expressed
no dissatisfaction with his love life,

these two have decided to make it
their mission to find him a mate.

MARTIN:
It's not a bad idea.

It's been a long time since
Frasier was excited about somebody.

I kind of miss that spring in his step,
you know?

The nervous energy he gets

where every first date
might be the one.

The electricity
of that 30-point self-inspection

before he rolls out of the showroom.

He says he's happy.

Isn't that what
you would've said, too,

before your brother
helped bring us together?

That's my point exactly.
Let's start calling babes.

DAPHNE:
Yeah. Hee-hee.

Aah. What about Caroline?
She'd get along great with your brother.

Is she the one missing a tooth?

She had it replaced.

That dental school
did a good job too.

You can only tell it's fake
under a black light.

What about Jennifer?

She's pretty, smart,
she has those perky breasts.

Huh.

Wouldn't call them perky
so much as...

Don't remember Jennifer.

Well, besides,
didn't Frasier already go out with her?

Oh, you're right.

Well, that's everyone I know.

Oh, it's too bad.
I was hoping we could help.

There is this one woman I know.

Lisa.

She'd be great.

They share a lot of interests.
She even owns a bookstore.

You've been holding out on me.

Well, she's a former patient,
so that's kind of an ethical grey area.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable
setting her up with Frasier.

Well, what if she didn't know
you were setting her up?

You could point her out to me,
and I could strike up a friendship.

We could go out for coffee,
see movies, tell each other everything.

Maybe I was a little hasty
in making Roz my maid of honour.

As soon as she finds out
you're my fianc?e, well,

there's my ethical dilemma again.

Well, what if they just happen
to meet by themselves?

- Like at her bookstore?
- Exactly.

Frasier is always going
to bookstores.

She does own a bookstore.

Over time, it's highly probable
he would find himself in her bookstore.

Perhaps I could just place them
within range of one another.

And I'd just stay out of sight.

That'll do.

- So, what does she look like anyway?
- My God, she's gorgeous.

She has these...

[SIGHS]

I'd have to check my notes.

Oh, hi. Here we are.

Well, uh, it's a lovely
little bookstore, Niles,

but I hardly see how it's worth
driving all the way across town.

Doesn't seem to have
much of a selection.

Well, it may not cater to all tastes,
but I'm confident you'll find something

to pique your interest.

Um, Frasier. Frasier.

Um, Daphne had asked me
to provide her with a reading list,

- to broaden her mind.
- Oh, that's admirable.

Yeah. And I was thinking
of starting with Shakespeare.

Uh, and you have such a grasp
of his work,

I was wondering
if you could help me.

Well, of course.
Although I'm a bit surprised.

You always considered yourself
the more well-versed.

Well-versed, yes,
but you're the expert.

I've waited since third grade
to hear you say that.

Hmm.

Um, you know, maybe
she'd appreciate Shakespeare more

if she knew something about him.
Perhaps a biography?

It's good thinking.

Ah.

Although philosophy is the basis
of all thought.

Any mind-broadening exercise
should begin with philosophy.

Very well. Uh-huh.

Or sports. Ahem.

No, philosophy.

- You're certain?
- Unquestionably.

Go, go.

Hmm. Ah.

[FRASIER CHUCKLES]

Ah. Here we are.

Plato's Republic.

Can't say I agree with everything
in there, but it's a place to start.

There's a little tear.
Would you get another?

Good heavens. Am I your lackey?

No, no, no. I'm just engrossed
in this Heroes of NASCAR.

Fine.

Here you go.

- Pristine condition.
- Thank you.

You know, while we're here,
I'd like to try to find

a book
on the early British Monarchy.

I've recently read
The Isles: A History.

They didn't go into as much detail
as I might've liked

about the Plantagenets.

Hmm. Well, you know,
why don't you ask someone here?

I found the staff here
very knowledgeable.

Well, yes.
All right, all right. I'll be right there.

Yes. Ah, excuse me.

Um, do you happen to have a book
on the Plantagenets?

That's like a banana, right?

Never mind.

- Any luck?
- Finding dunderheads, yes.

Oh, well, maybe you should ask
someone else.

- All right.
- Can I help the next person?

- Or maybe we should just pay and go.
- Niles, we just got here.

- You are acting very strangely.
- No, I'm not.

- What the hell is wrong with you?
- I'm sorry... Dizzy spells.

There's a footstool in the Shakespeare
section. Go have a seat.

- I'll be fine. You just pay.
- Yes, of course.

- Clark, can you take over?
- Sure.

CLARK: Hello, again.
- Yes, hello.

- Did you find what you're looking for?
- Not really, no.

Okay.

Oh, I have Book-Lover's discount.

Ah, we don't accept that.

- Independent Booksellers?
- No.

Bibliophiles?

Dewey Decimal discount?

Dust Jacket Gang?

I'm sorry.
We do have our own card. It's $25.

Twenty-five doll...? For a little card?

You get 15 percent off all purchases.

Very well.

How much will I save today?

The discount starts
with your next purchase.

What? What kind of a Ponzi scheme
are you operating here?

CLARK:
Store policy.

I would like to speak
with the storeowner.

Whoa. What's going on?

I'm gonna give the owner
a piece of my mind.

- Forget it. I don't want the book.
- Yes, you do.

- I don't.
- You're getting the book and a discount.

Lisa, we have a card challenge
at checkout.

- No, no, no. Challenge withdrawn.
- Over my protest.

No, no. We're leaving.
Everything's okay.

All right, all right. By the way,
you have an alphabetical misfile,

but I'm not telling you where.

[ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

ROZ: I just know the two of you
are gonna hit it off.

I thought you were always complaining
he's such a tight-ass.

Not complaining. Bragging.

You know? That I work with someone
who's got such a tight ass.

Frasier, Susanna.
Susanna, this is Frasier.

Come on in.
Uh, Roz has told me all about you.

She told me all about you too.

I thought since you were
making dinner, I'd add a contribution.

It's nothing special,
just a key lime pie.

"Nothing special."

She made the whole thing herself
from scratch. The crust, the meringue.

She even baked it in a pie plate
she fired in her own home kiln.

In my spare time, I use
my power of invisibility to fight crime.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Am I overselling this a little?

FRASIER:
Just a bit, yes, Roz.

I'll just go put this in the kitchen.
Ha, ha.

Why don't you ladies
make yourselves comfortable?

- Would anyone care for some wine?
SUSANNA: Thank you. Sure.

Frasier knows pretty much everything
there is to know about wine.

Tell us some things
about wine, Frasier.

Sometimes you have to know
when to put a cork in it.

- So, Roz, where's Roger?
- I don't know.

I'll call him
and see what's holding him up.

You know, Susanna,
now would be a good time

to show Frasier your portfolio.

- Susanna's an artist.
- Oh.

She even has a gallery
that shows her paintings exclusively.

It's not so much a gallery
as a restaurant-slash-bowling alley.

She's a hell of a bowler too.

Someone better snatch her up
before she joins a league

and there go her Saturday nights.

Roz, go make your call, all right?

- Here we are.
- Thank you.

I don't usually travel with my portfolio,
but she made me bring it.

I'm glad she did. I actually fancy myself
a bit of a collector.

- I'd love to see it.
- Oh, all right.

- But be gentle.
- Of course.

Oh, my.

Well, that is interesting.
It's quite remarkable, really.

Thanks. The original's
hanging over the shoe rental.

Wonderful texture.

And these blues.

So much sadness.

Most people don't get that.

Yes, and your elongated figures
are actually reminiscent of Modigliani.

That's interesting.
I used to love Modigliani as a girl.

Maybe I was
subconsciously influenced.

Quite possibly, yes.

I see you're also a fan
of Benjamin Locklear.

- What?
- Benjamin Locklear has a show...

I know who he is.
His stuff isn't anything like mine.

Maybe you haven't seen
his latest work.

You see, I was just in attendance
at his most recent opening.

I purchased a fantastic piece myself.
Here, let me show you.

Hmm?

- My God.
- It's magnificent, isn't it?

You know, I'm thinking of putting it
in my bedroom to set off the duvet.

That hack ripped me off.

- That's quite an accusation.
- The guy is a thief.

Everyone in the art community
knows it.

I consider myself a member
of the art community.

- All I've heard is good things.
- Oh, please.

The guy steals
from lesser-known artists

and markets himself to suckers
with more money than taste.

You know what?

You're right.

Maybe he did copy you.

Maybe he got
his inspiration one evening

when he was out bowling
a few frames.

I do not need to be insulted
by someone who buys art

because it matches his bedspread.

It's a duvet, and you're delusional.

- Dilettante.
- Forger.

Man who uses the word "duvet."

Hey, guys, how's it going?

- She is crazy, that's how it's going.
- And for your information,

Benjamin Locklear
is as overrated as your ass.

- What was that supposed to mean?
- I have no idea. Have a nice weekend.

- What's going on out here?
- Oh.

I let Roz set me up on a blind date
with one of her friends.

Big waste of time, huh?

- Well, there's pie.
- Ooh.

- Homemade?
- Yep.

- Cherry?
- Key lime.

I can live with that.

Sorry, son. Tough break.

Oh, I bet it's got a lard crust. Ooh.

- Brought you a fork, Dad.
- Oh, thanks.

I wish I'd never let Roz set me up
on that date.

Well, you know, you can't hit the ball
unless you take a swing. Oh.

Now, there's this gal
at the building where I work.

Dad. You're not proposing
another blind date.

Now, she's a beautiful young lawyer,
and she couldn't be nicer.

- I am not interested.
- Well, now, don't say that.

- You gotta see her.
- Dad...

Frasier, listen to me.

You gotta see her.

A young lawyer, you say?

KRIS: Thanks for meeting me here.
- Sure.

I thought it would be nice
to have a drink before dinner.

I don't think
I've ever really been here before,

but it does have
a nice sort of neighbourhood feel to it.

It is my favourite place.

Ah.

So my dad tells me
that you're a lawyer.

Actually, I'm a legal secretary,

but I'm planning
to go to law school next fall.

Well, that's admirable. Thank you.

Of course, you know, paradoxically,
you'll have to pass the bar

if you expect to pass the bar.
Ha-ha-ha.

You're so funny.

- Hey, Kris.
KRIS: Hey, Clint.

Nice to see you.
Hey, that's a great sweater.

Oh, thank you.

So, uh, what did my dad
tell you about me?

- Oh, he talks about you all the time.
- Really?

Yes, he's very proud of you.

[LAUGHS]

But what he didn't tell me
is how good-looking you are.

[SIGHS]

Well, thank you.

Compliments of the gentleman
in the Hawaiian shirt.

KRIS:
Thanks, Graham.

- So you know him?
- Oh, you know.

JASON: Hey, you.
- Hey.

Wouldn't mind stopping
and smelling those roses.

- Oh. You are so funny.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Jason, this is Frasier.
Frasier, Jason.

- Nice to meet you.
- So you owe me a pool game.

- Another time.
- Oh, sounds like somebody's scared.

Yeah, you.

- Scared of getting your ass kicked.
- Uh-huh.

But it'll have to be another time.

I'm on a date.

Frasier doesn't mind.
You don't mind, do you?

- Well, actually...
- Thanks, champ.

I'll be right back.

- Mind if I break?
- Sure. Go ahead.

- Ugh. Looks like you're stripes.
- Yep, and you are definitely solid.

- Oh, shut up.
- I got next game.

I'm after Graham.

So

how do you know Kris?

Oh, you know.

No, I really don't.

HARRY:
I got her next.

Oh, Kris, I got my car checked out.
You were right.

It was the transmission.

Then you owe me a pitcher.

[ALL OOHING AND LAUGHING]

So you known Kris a long time?

- Who are you?
- I'm her date.

- Nice job.
GRAHAM: Very nice.

CLINT:
She's hot tonight.

So who are you?

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, Dad. Yeah.

Well, oh, yeah, she's very pretty.

And, uh... And nice.

A little too nice, perhaps.

Frasier, the table only takes quarters.
Would you get some change?

You know, Kris, maybe we should
cancel our plans for tonight.

What? Why?

You're having such a good time
with your crowd here.

No. I just have to teach this one guy
a lesson, then I'm all yours.

I promise.

Well, I guess I can ask the bartender
for some change.

Oh, Smitty's too busy.

But try next door at the dry cleaners.

Tell them it's for me.

Thanks for the tip.

- You are so sweet.
- Ah.

Isn't Frasier sweet, guys?

MEN: Yeah.
CLINT: Sweet.

[MEN LAUGHING]

I felt sure that Frasier
was gonna hit it off with Kris.

She's really popular at the office.

Poor Dr. Crane.
I feel like we failed him.

Well, I'm not ready
to throw in the towel.

There's this woman
at the dog park...

Well, if you're gonna try again,
we should try again too.

Maybe Frasier had the right attitude
by leaving it up to fate.

There's nothing wrong
with lending a helping hand.

Maybe we were destined
to fix him up with someone.

I'm afraid
whatever we wanted for Frasier,

fate had other plans.

Hi.

- Can you give me change for a dollar?
- No change.

- Uh, it's for Kris.
- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Hi, Lisa.
- Oh, Andy.

- Can you get out spray paint?
- Well, how'd this happen?

I was at
the new Benjamin Locklear exhibit,

and this crazy woman came in
and started ranting

about how he'd ripped off her work.

And then she started
spray-painting everything.

Actually, I don't know if I should clean it
or hold onto it till after she dies.

You know, because art
increases in value after the artist...

Think you can get this out?

Excuse me, um, you only gave me
three quarters and a nickel.

I guess I don't have
any more quarters left.

- You want your dollar back?
- Oh, I might have change.

- Let me look.
- Oh, that's very kind of you.

Gum, candy... Oh, oh, oh.

- Here you go.
- Thanks. Um...

Say, uh, don't you have a coat?
It's kind of cold outside.

I just got spray paint on mine.

I wanted to get it cleaned
as soon as possible.

- Did you put seltzer on it?
- Of course.

A lot of people mistakenly use

- lemon juice.
- Lemon juice.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Which never works.
- No, no.

And it attracts bees.

I did not know that.

Well, I'm not exactly certain
that it attracts bees,

but I mean, it does make sense,
doesn't it?

Not really, but you say it
with such authority, I bought it.

Oh-ho. Um...

Say, uh, do you play pool?

No.

Neither do I.

Hi, my name is Frasier.

Hi. Ha.