Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 16 - Wheels of Fortune - full transcript

Our topic today
has been honesty.

The courage to face each
other with the plain truth.

I've certainly enjoyed
myself these last few hours.

I hope you have, too.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane
wishing you good mental health.

Well, that was a dog of a show.

They all blend.

Oh, you got a message.

A Blaine Sternin called.

Blaine Sternin!

Call him back,
tell him I'm dead.



Sternin...

Is he related to Lilith?

Yes, he's Lilith's half-brother.

The curse of the family.

What does it say when
Lilith is the good one.

He sounded
charming on the phone.

Well, of course he
sounded charming.

Charm is the viscous grease

with which he oils
his flimflam machine.

The man will say anything
to get what he wants.

I can't believe I
haven't dated this guy.

The only reason

he'd be contacting me is to
separate me from my money.

The man is always coming
up with some sucker sob story



while he's busy
living the high life

in Laughlin, Nevada.

You know, he once stole from
me a very precious antique...

My 18th-century
English salt server.

Well, if you don't mind
Elvis, you can have mine.

Oh, dear God.

What?

This number he left.

It's local.

"The Beast walks among us."

Don't answer the
front door or the phone.

Lock all the windows.

Blaine Sternin is in Seattle!

Who?

Lilith's half-brother.

Is he the scoundrel
that walked off

with your 18th-century
salt server?

The very same.

Blaine Sternin.

A package came
for you this afternoon.

I believe that was the
name on the return address.

What could he
possibly be sending me?

Daphne, you've got
longer nails than I have.

Open it yourself.

All right.

Well, what do you know...

It's my salt server.

I've heard you speak about it

but I had no idea it
was so magnificent.

Just look at this
beautiful gilding.

And the exquisite
but playful scrollwork.

And it has a tiny spoon!

Aren't you going
to read the note?

Oh, yes. Of course.

Thank you, Niles.

"Frasier, I apologize for
any trouble I've caused

and hope you'll forgive me."

He must think I've got
turnips growing out of my ears.

He's after something!

Yeah, hide the pepper.

Hello, Crane residence.

Thank you.

That was the doorman.

Mr. Sternin's on his way up.

So much for living
in a security building.

Come on now, Dr. Crane.
Maybe he wants to make amends.

Daphne, let me acquaint
you with the curriculum vitae

of Mr. Blaine Sternin...

or "Brad Cunningham"
as he's known in Maine...

"Royce Thibideaux"
in Louisiana...

and "Santana De La Cruz"

the pride of
Albuquerque, New Mexico.

This is a man who
once made a living

selling rare autographs,
until it was discovered

that Madame Curie
and Sugar Ray Robinson

had the same handwriting.

And would you
care to see the deed

to my 50,000-acre kelp farm?

It's hard to believe a
man of your intellect

could be so fooled.

It wasn't my intellect that
he preyed upon, Daphne.

It was my kind
and generous heart.

Well, not this time.

This time I will
make it a stone!

He may come swaggering in here

but I assure you he
will go slinking out

with his tail between his legs.

All right, Blaine...!

Frasier, my brother.

It's been too long.

Hello, Blaine.

A wheelchair?

Nice touch.

Well, the truth is I've
been in a terrible accident.

I've lost all feeling
from my waist down.

The doctors tell me I'll be
like this for the rest of my life.

Oh, hi, everybody...
Blaine Sternin.

Hi. Hi.

Come on in. Marty Crane.

Hey, hiya, Marty, how are you?

Daphne Moon.

Niles Crane.

Niles, how are you?

Bravo, Blaine!

This is the best one yet.

But you forget with
whom you're dealing.

I've seen it all.

Dr. Crane, the man
is in a wheelchair.

Which means that somewhere,
someone is missing a wheelchair.

Frasier, if you
don't believe him

why don't you call Lilith?

Good idea.

So Martin, I see you
also park in the blue zone.

Yeah, when I can.

But those spaces
are always filled.

Uh, yeah, well,
that's partly my fault.

Boy, I sold a lot of fake
handicapped plates in my time.

Boy, talk about a butt-load
of poetic justice, huh?

Yes, I believe that is

the basic unit
of poetic justice.

So what did Lilith say?

Has Blaine really lost
the use of his legs?

She says she doesn't
know, but hopes so.

Well, all right.

I guess there's only one way

I can prove this to you.

Daphne, may I borrow that
lovely pin you're wearing?

Oh, um...

let's see, here you go.

All right, here you
go, Fras, my man.

Stick it anywhere you'd like.

You'd have to get up for that.

All right, I guess
I'll just do it myself.

There you go.

That's disturbing.

Cool!

Come on!

That is nothing but
a cheap parlor trick.

You know, I thought you'd
take more convincing than that.

Daphne, would you have a
butcher knife in the kitchen?

I'll get it!

No, no, that's enough, Dad!

Let's cut to the chase.

What's it going to cost
me to get you out of here?

You know something, Frasier?

You're almost
right. Almost right.

It's true... I do want
something from you.

But what I want is for you
to get down on your knees

and pray with me.

I know these words
sound strange, but I've had

a deeply religious conversion.

Really?

Oh, this just gets
better and better.

I guess it started
with my car accident.

I was driving drunk

which I had done
one too many times.

Oh, you know, it was a sign.

From God?

No, from the highway department.

It said "Lane Ends" and
I just plowed right into it.

The next thing I saw

was a bright light and a tunnel.

So you had a
near-death experience.

No, it was a CAT scan.

You know, when Dr. Kagan
told me I was paralyzed

well, I was devastated.

There I was, at the lowest
point a man can be...

and He came to me.

Dr. Kagan?

No, wrong again, hon.

It was God.

Oh, damn.

Hang in there,
sweetheart. You'll get one.

He showed me how
I'd squandered my life...

You know, cheating
innocent people.

I was just filled with shame.

And that's why I'm
here, as a matter of fact.

I've started a
ministry to save souls

the way the Lord saved mine.

What genius!

The Lord!

A credible partner
who doesn't take a cut.

Dr. Crane, you should
be ashamed of yourself.

The fact that Mr. Sternin

has turned his accident
into something positive...

Well, it's one of the most
inspirational stories I've ever heard.

Oh, Daphne, please!

You have no idea what
this man is capable of.

Sir, can I get you
something to eat or drink?

You know, I could use a beer.

I haven't given up everything.

That is inspiring.

Yeah, make it two, Daph.

Okay. Excuse me. Ooh...

But I insist that I help.

It's like a thing with
me all of a sudden.

I just won't allow anyone
to wait on me anymore.

Here, let me help you.

Well, you've just
witnessed the first step

in the Blaine Sternin long con.

He sets you up...
sucks you in...

and then, bam!

Kelp futures.

Perhaps you're rushing
to judgment, Frasier.

I know you two have a history

but isn't it possible
that he's changed?

Oh, don't be a sucker, Niles!

Dad, you're not buying any of
this medicine show, are you?

Well, the guy is
laying it on pretty thick.

But I guess he
could be on the level.

I mean, that pin
thing was freaky.

I want to get that on video.

Daphne...

you left him alone
in the kitchen?

My Sub-Zero's probably on
the way to a chop shop right now!

All right, Blaine,
I've had enough.

Get out.

Frasier, I don't know
how to prove this to you

but I swear all I really came
for was your forgiveness.

First of all, for stealing
that little teapot.

Salt server.

Is that what that was?

Man, nobody knew.

And for all the times I
lied and I cheated you.

And for the time I posed as you

and treated
patients for a year...

You what? It was
only a couple of people.

And I'd tell you
who they were...

But, you know, we've
got that doctor-patient

confidentiality
thing... The point is

that part of my
life is over, Frasier.

I don't know, I just want
to give something back.

Really? Yeah.

If you wanted to
give something back

you'd be mopping a soup
kitchen, or reading to bedridden vets

or traveling

to the Galapagos Islands

to clean oil off
some poor sea fowl.

Then maybe you'd
have some credibility.

I know I've given you so
many reasons to mistrust me.

But don't you believe
that people can change?

If I forgive you, will you
leave and never return?

Yes. I promise you, you'll never
see my face in this house again

unless I'm invited.

Very well.

I grant you this boon
and I forgive you.

Now get out.

Oh, Mr. Sternin, I hope
you'll stay for dinner.

Sounds like an
invitation to me, Fras.

And so, here's this kid

no more than 15 years old.

He lives in a cardboard
box under the overpass.

And his mother comes
to me and begs me

"Will you get my kid off drugs?"

Yes, and then you
cured him. Let's eat.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't cure something
like addiction overnight.

Well, look who I'm telling.

I mean, you're a
psychiatrist. You know.

Well, that's true.

I have found in my research
with addictive personalities that...

Oh, for God's sake!

What the hell am I doing?

There probably is no kid anyway.

Come on, Frasier,
let up on the guy.

He's a man of God.

Blaine...

can I take a picture of
you with a fork in your leg?

All right, everybody, dig in.

That looks beautiful, Daphne.

Well...

who wants to say grace?

Oh, we almost forgot.

Whose turn is it this time?

Um...

Okay, I will.

You want to join hands?

Ready.

Dear Lord, bless this
food and this company.

Give us your guidance

and teach us to be forgiving,
as you instructed your apostles.

I'll give you 50 bucks if
you can name three of them.

Here you go. Frasier...

Two 20s and a ten.

Tell you what...
I'll spot you John.

Dr. Crane...

we're in the middle of a prayer.

Please go on.

Thank you, Lord. Amen.

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

You know, normally

I get paid after I say grace.

No, I'm kidding!

I'm joking.

Kidding?

That was funny.

Well, you know, you're a
godless bunch, but I love you.

You know...

even worse than the godless

are those who would
use God for their own gain.

They are the true hypocrites

who should burn
in the fiery hell

for all eternity.

Am I picking up a vibe here?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think
that was directed at you?

You know, I could quote
you chapter and verse all night

to try to prove to you
that I'm a changed man.

But you know what?

Instead, why don't you come
see me in action on Sunday?

What do you mean?

Come and hear me preach.

Witness what God
can do through me

in all His splendor
and all His glory

in the Regency Room
down at the Airport Ramada.

I'd love to go.

I wouldn't mind checking
that out. Sure. Why not?

Bless you, people.
That's just great.

Thank you very much.

Only problem is, the advertising

was just a skosh
more than I thought

and I came up about
$1,000 short on the hall rental.

Aha!

The other shoe comes
cascading from the sky!

$1,000, you say?

You're not getting it out of
me, you born-again Bilko!

Didn't I tell you?

Fras, you know

what I was going to say...

If you'd let me finish...

Was that somehow
the Lord will provide.

And, by the way,
Matthew, John, Thomas

Bartholomew, Jude,
Judas, two Jameses

Andrew, Peter, Simon
the Zealot, and Philip.

$950 to go.

Pass the po-tah-toes, please.

He says the Lord
will provide the money

but we all know who
that means... me!

You know, I always had
a thing for evangelists.

When I first started out

I worked at this station

back in Wisconsin.

And there was
this young preacher

who had a show of his
own on Sunday mornings.

He spent hours
trying to save my soul.

And?

And it worked,
and now I'm a nun.

What do you think happened?

Oh.

Hello.

Daphne, Niles.

Well, Dr. Crane,
you needn't worry

about Blaine asking
you for money anymore.

He's received the
thousand dollars

he needs for Sunday.

What nitwit gave him $1,000?

Now, Frasier, that's not fair.

Perhaps whoever did it
simply has a kind heart

and a trusting nature that
I, for one, find refreshing.

Oh, Daphne.

I come from a large family of
scoundrels and ne'er-do-wells

who repeatedly promised
me they'd change their ways

and never made any effort.

Now here's someone who's
actually trying, and succeeding.

Now, I think that's worthy
of a little encouragement.

Coffee, Niles?

Yes, please.

I can't believe Daphne
got snowed by that crook.

You know, I've got
to expose Blaine

for the charlatan that he is.

What was the name of that doctor
he said treated him in Laughlin?

Uh... it was Kagan, if
memory serves. Dr. Kagan.

He shouldn't be
too hard to find.

Laughlin, Nevada.

Dr. Kagan.

I'm being connected.

Frasier, you're sure

you're not being
a tad obsessive?

Niles, this is about the truth.

Yes. Hello.

Uh... yes, Dr. Kagan, please.

Busy?

Too busy to talk with
Dr. Frasier Crane from...

ze Nobel Prize committee?

Now, you may ask yourself

"Why would this man
spend the last hour

"preaching the word of God?

Look what God did to him."

Well, I'll tell you
what God did to me.

He took away my legs to
show me how tall I can stand.

Because, until this happened

I was not a whole man.

I was a gambler, I was
a liar, I was a cheat!

Everything you can
imagine, that was me... I did it.

Oh, I was a bad man.

Go ahead, name something!

A thief?

Oh, a thief.

Not a day passed that I wasn't.

Anybody else? Come on.

A womanizer!

Yeah, in between affairs.

Tax evader!

Yeah, but that was on principle.

Come on, little sheep.

Come on into
this nice little pen.

Shh! I thought
you weren't coming.

I just can't stand to
see people get fleeced.

I have left half a
dozen messages

for this so-called
doctor of his.

The guy comes back with a
different excuse every time

why he can't come to the phone.

Niles, I tell you

there is no such man
as this Dr. Kagan.

He doesn't exist.

And yet, for the
first time in my life

I'm a happy man.

Oh, I can't dance
the way I used to

but, you know, my
heart's turning cartwheels.

I can't run

but there's no need
to hide anymore.

I can't make love,
but I can feel love.

Now, do you want
that kind of happiness?

Because, if you do, let
me hear you say, "Yeah!"

Yeah!

Oh, come on.

Like you really mean it! Yeah!

Are you willing to
do whatever it takes?

Are you willing to make
these earthly sacrifices

to make heavenly gains?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Have you people
lost your senses?

Do you hear yourselves?

This is no man of God!

He's a huckster!

Frasier, sit down.

This is why I hate
going anywhere with you.

This charade has
got to stop right now!

I will not allow these good
people to be bamboozled!

No, people. People...

It's all right. He
belongs up here.

He's one of God's creatures.

I am no such thing!

I will prove once and for
all that this man is a fraud.

See for yourselves!

No, no, no! Don't help him!

That's enough of this, Blaine!

Get up!

Get up!

Wait, people.

He knows not what he does.

What?!

Yes, Dr. Kagan.

Yes, I did.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

For life. I see. Thank you.

Well...

it seems an apology is in order.

Please help me get this man

back into his chair.

And I will match
all contributions

given to this man's
ministry here today

dollar for dollar.

You want fulfillment?

You want inner peace?

This is your man right
here... Blaine Sternin!

Come on, people, dig deep.

Brother Niles, you've
been richly blessed.

Thanks again for paying
in cash, there, Fras.

I'd rather see that
money go to poor people

than, you know, Uncle Sam.

It's my pleasure to do it.

Blaine...

there's something
I'd like you to have.

Well... well, thanks.

You know, this is really going
to help some needy people

now that I know
what the heck it is.

Martin, been a pleasure, my man.

Oh, same here, Blaine.

Good luck to you.

Well, thanks a lot.

Blaine...

you are welcome
in my home anytime.

Well, thank you, Fras.

That means a lot to me.

God bless you.

Well, I'm off to
spread the good word.

You are, indeed, a holy roller.

Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Well...

there was a lesson learned.

Yeah.

Don't throw a guy
out of a wheelchair.

Who knew?

Well, I guess I just
needed a reminder

that people really
are capable of change.

Well, I got to be
honest with you.

I wasn't totally
convinced myself

until I saw him onstage.

Before you came in

he was talking
about all these things

he did right after
his conversion.

Man, that guy was committed.

He mopped up soup kitchens.

He read to bedridden veterans.

He even went to the
Galapagos Islands

to help clean the
oil off some fowls.

He said that, did he?

Blaine!

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Quite stylish.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Good night,
Seattle. We love you!