Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 15 - The Proposal - full transcript

You sure you wanna
do this without Daphne?

When Lilith and I got engaged,

she insisted on being involved
with the ring selection process.

I appreciate your concern,
but I wanna surprise her.

How about this one?
It's nice and sparkling.

- That's an earring, Dad.
Huh?

- Oh. Guess I better put on my glasses.
- Yes.

Aah. Niles,

prepare to relinquish your breath.

- Which one?
- That right there.

Next to the gaudy one?



The gaudy one?

All right, all right,
which do you like?

Something more along the lines
of that one, with the feathered band.

- All right? What do you think?
- It's good I'm here to talk you out of it.

I think I'm starting to regret
bringing you along at all.

- I think it's a godsend...
- No, how much...?

Gentlemen, I'm sure
we can find something

that will bring you both
a lifetime of happiness.

Oh, no, they're not a couple.

My son Niles is here to pick out
an engagement ring

for his girlfriend Daphne.

And Frasier, who's been married twice,
just came along to help him.

I'm very sorry. I'll come back when
you've had more time to look around.

Where did that come from?



I mean, really, to just assume
something like that out of the blue.

Latent.

Well, you gotta admit, it wasn't
such a big leap, given the situation.

And just what is that supposed to...?

What bejewelled seraph has escaped
her provenance now?

I'm gonna go see if there's a line
at the Orange Julius.

I have several candidates, but before
you turn up your nose at this...

That's it.

Right there. That's Daphne's ring.

The very one
I was going to show you.

- Stylish.
- Classic.

Stunning.

Daphne. Uh, excuse me?

- I'd like to see that one, please.
- Excellent choice, sir.

- Know her ring size?
- Even better.

Her ring finger is exactly
the same size as mine.

Oh.

Well, perhaps you should
try this on then.

Yeah. Ha, ha.

Oh, it's... Oh.

Oh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm a little nervous.

It just hit me, what this all means.

Ow.
- Oh.

- What happened?
- Just my back.

It's been acting up the last week.

- You want me to give you a hand up?
- No, no, no, here. Here's the ring.

- All right.
- I'll just stay here for a moment.

Ah. Does it fit?

- Look, here, let me help.
- No, I got it.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, Niles.

Frasier, it's perfect.

You know, I always dreamed
this would happen.

No, wait. They're not a couple.

Look.

Oh, jeez.

Okay.

Hey, Niles.

- Is something wrong?
- No, no, I...

Oh, my God.

- Is that Daphne's proposal?
- What?

No, I haven't... I don't...
What are you...?

Frasier told me.

- Ugh. That gossiping ninny.
- Don't worry, he swore me to secrecy.

I swore him to secrecy.

So how's it coming?

I'm afraid I've poured so much emotion
into this speech,

I don't know if I can say it all
without crying.

Oh, that's okay. Women like a man
who isn't afraid to shed a few tears.

Last time I got all the way through it,
I got dehydrated.

Well, maybe if you cut it down
a little bit,

you could get through it
before the waterworks start.

- Let me take a look?
- Oh.

Well, what about
this paragraph here?

And aren't words
like "hopeless" and "despairing"

kind of a downer in a proposal?

This is where I describe
my life before I met her.

See? And then comes the part

where she comes along, and the metre
changes to a more sprightly iambic.

Hmm.
- Now my life has meaning.

Things that never made sense before,
suddenly are clear.

It's all because of this

wonderful woman.

It's all right. I'm sure there's other stuff
we can cut. Thank you.

Okay, like here.

I mean, now, do you really have to
compare her to three different roses?

Well, which one
would you have me eliminate?

The one that represents her beauty,
or her passion, or her...?

Her sense of humour?

Niles, you're just making this
too complicated.

You know, all we really want is
for a guy to get down on one knee,

and say, "I love you.

Will you be my wife?"

Excellent. Nice bite.

Smooth, oakey blend.

Mm-hm. Lovely finish.

Yeah, I think this is definitely
a contender. How about you, Dad?

Well, this one dislodged
that piece of pot roast

that's been bugging me since lunch.

I'm sorry, Niles,

but I'm just not the right guy
to help you pick a wine

for your proposal dinner.

Well, Dad, this is
an important night for me

and I want you to play
an important part.

I guess it is an honour
to be included. Thanks.

Well, time to cleanse my palate.
I'm gonna get a beer.

- Now.
- Not yet.

Exactly how drunk
does he have to get?

To agree to take Daphne's mother out
while you propose to her?

Drunk, Niles.

Fill her up, fill her up.

Go ahead.

Whoopsie.
- Oh.

You sure he hasn't had enough?

Dad, what was the name of that widow
you dated several years ago?

You mean Claire Wojodubokowski?

Not yet.

Well,

my taste buds are all sudsy clean.

Well, let's dive right back in.
Bottoms up.

Boy,

I tell you, I haven't had
this much to drink

since the night
I proposed to your mother.

- Really?
Yeah.

That was quite a night.

I was nervous as hell.

- Oh, I love this story.
Yeah.

- And then she said no.
What?

I've never heard this version.

Well, she wanted to get married,
but she just wasn't ready.

Well, what was it that finally
convinced her to say yes?

Oh, you don't wanna know.

Oh, come on, Dad.

What Marty Crane magic did you
weave to get her to change her mind?

Actually, I didn't
change her mind, Fras.

You did.

- Oh, dear God.
Ha.

I'll never forget the look
on that minister's face

when your mother waddled
down the aisle at Saint Barthalolamew.

You hear what I said?
"Barthalomar. "

Dad, there's a question
I've been meaning to ask.

Niles, how can you change the subject
after this bombshell?

You knew?

Remember that time
I had the chickenpox?

Mom told me to cheer me up.

- Oh, go ahead.
- Thank you.

So, uh, listen, ahem, Dad,

Daphne and I, of course,
wanna be alone on the big night...

Oh-ho, yeah.

And I was wondering if, perhaps,

you could take Daphne's mother
out for the evening.

You want me to take out
Daphne's mother?

- Is that what this has all been about?
- No. More wine?

Ugh.

I can't stand that woman.

But if it'll help you out, sure,
I'll do it, I'll go out with her.

Oh, Dad,

thank you. I will never forget this.

Forget what? Ha. Just kidding.

Ha, ha. Oh.

- Hello, all.
- Hello, how was the movie?

Oh, not bad,

considering my daughter's
famous sense of direction

made us 45 minutes late.

Then she got me popcorn
without butter,

and kept shushing me,

just because I can predict
what people will say next in a movie.

- Hello, Marty.
- Uh. Excuse me.

I need a beer. Now, now.

Dad,

you know what
we were just talking about,

the fact that I was
a guest at your wedding?

Yeah?

Well, it's just the least bit startling.

And I have always respected
you and mother,

and the decisions that you made
throughout your lifetime.

But this information does

beg one question:

Dad,

am I...?

A year older? No.

Your birthday's the same.

We just faked our anniversary
all these years.

Oh, thank heaven. Oh-ho.

You know, Marty,
I'm not surprised you asked me out.

- Um, you're not?
- Oh, don't be coy.

A romantic boat ride
to a remote island.

I know when a man's
trying to seduce me.

Uh...

- Mrs. Moon...
- Oh, it was inevitable, really.

I mean, here we are,

two comfortable old shoes
looking for new mates.

Actually, I'm not that comfortable.

Oh, maybe you just need
someone to break you in.

- Isn't that Marty Crane from work?
- Right.

Didn't you two
have a thing going on?

No, we just made out
at the office party.

Then what happened?
He blew you off?

Actually, I think he was
kind of interested.

He slipped a note in my lunch,
he drove past my house,

he called me couple of times
and hung up.

And you didn't do anything.
What were you thinking? He's cute.

He is cute, isn't he?

What a wonderful sunset.

I bet you ordered it just for me,
didn't you, Marty?

Actually, the sun goes down
almost every night.

Oh, you, stop making me
fall in love with you.

Uh, you know,

I think there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding here.

I didn't mean this to be a "date" date.

More of a friendship thing. You know,
I really enjoy your company...

No. No.

I should have known.

What could you possibly want
with a dried-up old prune like me?

- Well, you're not a dried-up old...
- Please, I don't want your pity.

I'll just stand at the bar
and drink all night.

Even though my doctor said one more
episode could cost me my liver.

- Oh, now, come on...
- If you want to pretend

not to know me,
I'll understand completely.

Look, you've misunderstood
what I said.

Oh, then you don't think
I'm unattractive?

Oh, unattractive?

You said that, not me.

It's not too late.
Go over there and say hello.

He's with somebody. It'd be weird.

You don't have to make a play for him.
Just say hello.

You can tell by his reaction
whether or not he's still interested.

Gertrude,

this is wrong.

Your husband just left you.

You're vulnerable.

I'm not vulnerable.

I'm ripe and receptive.

Okay.

I'll tell you the truth.

Uh, you know, I was shot, right?

Yes, in the hip.

Except that the damage
wasn't confined to the hip.

There were fragments that travelled

south.

- Oh, you mean...?
- Yep.

- Yeah, but you can still...
- Nope.

- But they have pills now...
- No.

- Acupuncture?
- Ooh. Don't remind me.

No, the sad fact is,
it just doesn't work.

I have absolutely no sexual feeling
in my groin area, period.

Oh, Marty, that's terrible.
Oh, I am sorry I brought it up.

Oh, that's all right. No harm done.

Excuse me, Mr. Puck?

Yes, Dr. Crane.

I couldn't help noticing

that the crab cakes
are getting just a bit brown.

- They're getting beautifully crunchy.
- I see.

Because when I said brown,

I actually meant more like black,
like burned.

They're Cajun.

- Everything all right in here?
- With the food, no problem.

Everything's under control, Niles.
We're all set. You just relax, okay?

I can't believe it. I've worked so hard
to make everything perfect,

and now the moment is almost...

Do I smell burning crab?

That's Cajun.

- That's her.
- Go, go. Godspeed!

Everyone, everyone, places, places.

Coming, my sweet.

- Are you all right?
- Don't touch me, I have the flu.

Oh, you poor dear.
Here, here, here, come here.

Sit right down here
till we're ready to eat.

Oh, I can't eat.
I need my mouth to breathe.

Ugh. I hope you didn't go
to too much trouble with dinner.

Oh, no, no. Hey, you know what?

A good cup of tea,
and you'll be rallying in no time.

You'll never guess
what I have planned for tonight.

All I want to do
is stuff Kleenex up my nose,

collapse on the couch,
and pray for death.

Keep guessing.

- I'm sorry, Niles.
- Oh, that's all right.

There. You lie here. I'll go heat up
some soup in the kitchen.

- Dinner's off.
- What did you say?

Look, Niles, even if the crab cakes
are a write-off, we can still salvage...

No, no, no.

Daphne's sick. Oh, oh, Wolfgang,

could you open a can of plain
chicken broth and heat it up for me?

You're just cancelling everything?

- The choir, string quartet, the dry ice?
- Yes, all of it.

I want this proposal to be
the greatest night of Daphne's life.

What's the point if she's too sick?

We spent weeks
pulling this together.

We'll just get everybody back
sometime when she's feeling better.

Not everybody.

All right, listen. I'll take Daphne
into the guestroom to lie down

so you can get everybody out of here.
Just be quiet.

Don't wanna blow the surprise
for next time.

Rest assured,
she won't suspect a thing.

Niles, I think
there's a bird loose in here.

I thought doves
might be a nice addition.

It looked like a dove.

Oh. I think your fever
is causing you to hallucinate.

Come along, let's take you
to the guestroom for a good lie-down.

- Why you yelling?
- Because your ears are all stuffed up.

- No, they're not.
- They're not? Oh, maybe mine are.

Gee, I hope I'm not getting
what you have.

Shh. Everyone, everyone. Shh.

Very quietly,
I have an announcement to make.

I'm terribly sorry,
but tonight's festivities

have been indefinitely postponed
due to illness.

- But we still get paid, right?
- Yes, you still get paid.

Um, now, I need all of you to file
quickly and quietly out the front door.

It is imperative the young lady
not know any of you were ever here.

I'm telling you,
that room has a draught.

Hit the dirt.

We can't we sit
in the living room, build a fire?

No, no, no, we can't go
in the living room because...

That...

Of course we can go in the living room
and have a nice fire.

Come here and sit down.

Oh, um, do you wanna borrow
my pyjamas?

No, I feel silly in those.

They're so big and baggy.

I'm the only one here
who's gonna see you.

- Oh, how about some tea?
- Hmm. Not now.

Oh, I have some of those
raspberry candies you like.

No, you stay right here
next to me, Niles Crane.

I'll get you a blanket.

You'll catch a chill, darling.

Get you all comfy.

Oh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening.

Oh, you did nothing of the sort.

- Don't know what I did to deserve you.
- You kidding?

- I got the better end of this deal.
- Oh, yeah, look at me.

Nose running, hair a mess.
I must look a real fright.

You are simply
the most adorable creature

I have ever seen on this earth.

- Oh, I'm sure.
- No, I mean it.

From your beautiful toes,
all the way up to your crusty nose,

there's not an inch of you
that I don't adore.

- You know, it's funny.
- Mm.

You could take a million years
to plan the perfect evening

and you would
never come up with this.

Daphne, I have to ask you
a question.

Hold on.

You were saying?

Daphne Moon,

will you,

and your beautiful toes,

and your exquisite ankles,

and your precious knees,

elbows and arms

and fingers and shoulders...?

Will you marry me?

Oh, Niles, of course I will.