Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 14 - Juvenilia - full transcript

ROZ: Thank you for the coffee.
FRASIER: Thank you.

Oh, you don't have to thank me.
We're not keeping score. Heh, heh.

Life's too short to get worked up

over who owes who
for this or that or whatnot.

Let's just enjoy ourselves.

Whatever you want, Kenny,
the answer is no.

- Just hear me out.
FRASIER: Okay.

Look, I need a favour,
but before I tell you what it is,

I want you to look at this.

"KACL Psychographics"?

We hired a firm to sift
through the program data



and give us a kind of profile
on each show's average listener.

FRASIER:
All right, let's see.

Gil's average listener is a woman,
mid-30s, well-educated. Hmm.

What about my average listener?
Who is she?

Well, actually, uh,
she's an older gentleman,

who likes to keep the radio on
for company.

Ouch.

Oh, and, Roz, it seems a number
of listeners think you're a man.

What?

I'm sorry the station
spent its money on this nonsense,

but this research is patently absurd!

Regardless, you could really stand
to increase your audience

in the youth market.

Well, I thought we upped
the advertising budget for that reason.



I did, but I need some help.

How would you like to be a guest
on Teen Scene?

I'm sorry, I've done that show before,
I'm not doing it again.

Doc, you could use younger listeners.
You've seen the research.

My show is fine.

That so-called research is nothing but
a bunch of confounded correlations

and mediocre deductions.

Excuse me.
Are you Dr. Frasier Crane?

- Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
- Can I get your autograph?

- Ah, what's your name?
- Lucy. But make it out to Paul.

I volunteer at his hospice,

and I think you're just about
the only friend he has left anymore.

Fine. I'll meet the kids.

NILES:
I have a little something for you.

[DAPHNE LAUGHS]

Earrings.

- They're beautiful.
- Try them on.

I have disinfected them
with peroxide.

Niles, it's a lovely thought,

but, well, you kind of gave me
the exact same pair last summer.

- No, I did not.
- Yeah, take a look.

Ugh, I am so sorry.

Oh, don't be silly.

It was bound to happen sometime,
after all the nice presents you give me.

I'll have to get pierced
somewhere else.

Still, l...

[MOUTHS]
Really?

DAPHNE:
Well, well, look who's up.

How was your company party,
Mr. Crane?

Fine.

Sounds like it was more than just fine
if you're getting up this late.

- Yeah, he came in late too.
- Didn't know there was a curfew.

Oh, my God!
Is that lipstick on your chin?

It is!

I got kissed, okay? Big whoop.

- There's no lipstick on my chin.
DAPHNE: Busted!

[NILES LAUGHS]

NILES: Well, so, what's her name?
- Yeah, when can we meet her?

Her name's Peg,
and nobody's meeting anyone.

It was a just a little fooling around,
that's all.

- Well, are you gonna see her again?
- No, and if she calls, I'm not here.

Got it? I don't wanna encourage her.

Well, why not?
It sounds like you had fun.

See, this is exactly the conversation
I'm trying to avoid with Peg.

You kiss a girl,
and suddenly she wants to know:

"What does it mean?"

"When can I see you again?"

"Why don't you call me?"

- That's a wonderful attitude.
MARTIN: Hey, it was great.

I loved it, but I don't want to ruin it
by making it more than it was.

Women never let you
have a bite of ham.

They always make you
sit down for spinach.

KIRBY:
Whoa!

This is embarrassing, huh?

All three of us going to the same place
when we're skipping out on work.

- We are not skipping out on work.
- Right, we're all at the doctor's.

Kirby, we don't work
the same hours that you do.

- We're done for the day.
- Oh, yeah, that's good.

It's better if we don't all use
the same excuse.

Kirby, I think it's time for you
to straighten up.

You show up late every day,

you are inattentive,
and you have a bad attitude.

How do you expect to thrive in this job
or any other job?

I am this close
to giving you a lecture!

Hey, guys. Uh, doc, you got a minute?
There's someone I want you to meet.

Aw, dude, that's Emily Crowther,
one of the nimrods from Teen Scene.

You're not gonna
do that show, are you?

Those guys go to my old high school.
Bunch of losers.

For your information, Kirb...
Hey, I thought you were at the doctor.

I was.
Uh, he says everything is fine.

He also said I probably shouldn't
come in tomorrow till about 11:30.

How dumb do you think I am?

You will show up first thing
tomorrow morning,

after your Meals on Wheels delivery.

You got it.

Listen, Kenny,
I'm actually just on my way out.

Perhaps I could
meet this young lady tomorrow?

Oh, come on. Say hi to the kid.

- She's a big fan.
- Really?

Well, gosh, I would hate
to appear standoffish.

After all, the young lady has built up
a certain image of me in her mind,

and that shouldn't
be crushed, certainly.

Do we have to go through this
every time?

Go over there.

Emily Crowther,
Dr. Frasier Crane.

- Hello, Emily.
- Pleased to meet you, Dr. Crane.

I look forward
to having you on our show.

Well, technically,
I haven't agreed to do it yet.

You see, I had a rather bad experience
on Teen Scene the last time.

Are you familiar with
the new Teen Scene?

- Well, uh, no, actually, I'm not.
EMILY: Then you don't know

that we do hard-hitting journalism
with a youthful bent.

Of course, it's not nearly
as distinguished as your show,

which I adore.

- Really?
- Big fan.

Dr. Crane, may I be frank?

Having you on our show would be,
in your own words:

"A great boon to us."

A boon?

- Do you really think so?
- Oh, major boon.

Well, then, consider it granted.

I'm sure we'll have a splendid time.
I may even learn something from you.

Oh, you flatter me, Dr. Crane.

NILES: Hello.
FRASIER: Ah, Niles.

- Who's manning the Pasquini?
- Jimmy Ray.

Capital.

Uh, cappuccino, please.

- Hello, Roz.
ROZ: Hey, Niles.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be out buying Daphne
another pair of earrings?

Oh, please, don't make me
feel any worse.

- Actually, I thought it was sweet.
- Well, I feel just awful.

- You wanna know what I would do?
- Uh...

Oh, what the hell?

First of all,
enough with the earrings.

Everything doesn't
have to be so fancy.

Don't get me wrong,
jewellery is terrific.

But sometimes a woman likes to know
that you're paying attention.

Mix it up a little. Do something crazy,
I mean, totally out there.

Are you talking about scarves?

Okay, let me give you an example.

When I was 20, my boyfriend
stole a Doyle's Pub sign for me.

We were drunk, and we saw it,
and he said:

"Hey, that's your name on that sign.
You should have it."

It was spontaneous,
and a little dangerous,

and very romantic.

Spontaneous and dangerous.

Thanks, Roz.

You've given me something
to mull over during my herbal wrap.

Oh, good. I thought you were
gonna miss Dr. Crane on the radio.

How many times a day
is that guy on?

It's not his show. It's Teen Scene.

MARTIN: Oh, I don't have time
for that teenage crap.

Did I get a call from a girl today?

- You mean Peg?
- Or any girl. Or Peg.

Did Peg call?

- No. It's been a few days, hasn't it?
- Hmm.

I really thought she'd try to spring
that relationship stuff on me.

Well, I guess I misjudged her.

Unless she didn't like
her free sample.

[MARTIN CHUCKLES]

I think we can rule that out.

When a lady gets the full Marty Crane
treatment, she doesn't forget it.

And Peg got the full Marty?

I never give anything less.

So, yeah, I guess I am a little surprised
she hasn't called.

I mean, mostly relieved, of course,
but also surprised.

Well, don't feel bad.
Maybe you had an off night.

[SCOFFS]

Anything's possible, I suppose.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Well, yes, he is.
One moment, please.

[MOUTHS]
It's a woman.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Uh-huh.

Oh, I think that'd be fine.

Thursday at 9.

See you then.

Well, look who's suddenly
in a relationship.

Shows you what you know.
That was the dentist.

- Thank goodness, right?
- Right.

I agree with you, sir.

The difference between valedictorian
and salutatorian is largely arbitrary.

Thank you, Emily. Hmm.

Didn't mean to go on like that,

but the wound is still raw.

- Hello, Kirby.
- Hello, Emily.

How's honours everything?

Splendid, thank you.

How's carrying a bunch of boxes
around a radio station?

Good.

Emily, I was thinking
that perhaps after the show

I could invite you and your friends
to a cheeseburger or some such.

- Oh, we'd like that very much.
- Ah.

- Can I get you a coffee?
- Oh, yes, thank you, Emily.

You know, I asked for one
a little while ago,

and it never showed up.

Now who's carrying a bunch of stuff
around a radio station?

Oh...

- Hi, Dr. Crane.
- Oh...

- Andy McNiff.
- Andy.

I'm the moderator.
I'm really glad you could make it.

Yes, well, likewise.

I look forward to some
intergenerational by-play.

Uh, by the way, Andy,

are you going to be smoking
all night?

Yeah.

Look, no matter what happens,
I'm on your side.

Thank you.

What does that mean, exactly?

Well, uh... Hi, guys.

- Your guest has arrived.
- Here's your coffee, Dr. Crane.

These are my colleagues,
Ryan and Trent.

Pleased to meet you.
We're very excited.

FRASIER:
Likewise. Hello, Ryan.

- Ten seconds, guys.
FRASIER: Ah, right.

You know,
you may be surprised to learn

that it was
not so very many years ago

when I myself occupied
those tough years twixt 12 and 20.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, and welcome to Teen Scene,

Seattle's premier talk show
for young people.

I'm Andy McNiff,
and for the next 60 minutes

we'll be engaged in some straight talk
with our special guest.

And here to get things rolling
is our Teen Scene panel,

Trent, Ryan and Emily. Trent.

Tonight we're talking
to Dr. Frasier Crane,

a man who knows
what makes us tick.

But what do we know about him?

Dr. Crane, you're a popular psychiatrist
and radio personality.

What would you say
is the secret of your success?

I suppose it has something to do
with the fact

that I am a good listener
and have a friendly voice,

and I also try to pass along some
real psychological insight and advice.

My research shows that your replies

are typically
less than five minutes long.

Doesn't seem like a lot of time
for substantive psychological advice.

If I believe there's a real problem,
I refer the caller to...

So if it's a real problem,
you pass the buck?

- Excuse me?
RYAN: February 9th, 1993.

Does that date
mean anything to you?

- Should it?
- According to the Boston Globe,

you spent two hours on a ledge
threatening to jump if your wife left.

How many of your listeners are aware
that they're taking advice

from a man who was nearly
a stain on the sidewalk?

Andy, isn't it about time
for a commercial break?

Actually, this show is a public service,
therefore commercial-free.

[MOUTHS]
Sorry.

Splendid.

[HUMMING]

[EDDIE BARKS]

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

[BARKING]

[WHISTLES]

Hi. Just, uh...

[WHISTLES]

[EDDIE BARKING]

[SIREN WAILS]

Well, hi, Peg.

Jeez, I didn't know you were
working the graveyard tonight.

All this month.
What brings you here?

Actually,
I was in the neighbourhood,

and I wanted to make sure
they'd fixed that elevator camera.

But, see,
I thought Rich was on tonight,

which explains
why I didn't know you'd be here.

Right.

- Well, it's fixed.
- Well, that's good.

Somebody broke it.

Okay, then.

- See you later.
- See you.

Hey, how come
I never heard from you?

Oh, jeez...

Well, I was under the impression
we had some chemistry going.

I think I deserved
at least a phone call.

Hey, we made out a little.

Let's not ruin it
by making it more than it was.

- Just what I was thinking.
- Good.

Then it won't be awkward or anything
if we pull the same shift, right?

What are you talking about?
Don't worry about me.

- Watch yourself. Heh.
- Ha-ha-ha. Okay.

No worries.

- So I'll see you around, then.
- Yeah, see you.

Hey, you going
to Jerry's retirement party?

- Uh, might drop in for a pop or two.
- Yeah, same.

- Maybe I'll see you there.
- Yeah, maybe you will.

[PEG CHUCKLES]

Again, I freely admit
that I assisted my ex-wife

in psychological experiments
on lab animals.

However, at that time

putting a pair of sunglasses on
a monkey did not constitute cruelty.

We'll just agree to disagree.

You know, I scarcely see how this line
of questioning about my personal life

- can benefit your listeners.
- Well, Dr. Crane,

every day you ask your listeners
to blindly trust you.

Isn't the public entitled
to know a little more

about that friendly voice
that seems to have all the answers?

Oh, I understand.

This isn't about me at all.

You see, your combative
line of questioning

is completely age-appropriate.

The challenging of authority,
the zeal for truth.

RYAN:
Speaking of truth,

I have a few questions
about your last tax return.

I hate to interrupt, panel, but it's time
for our regular news break.

We'll be back with more
Teen Scene fun after this.

Dr. Crane,
could I borrow you for a second?

You're doing great.

- Dude, you're in trouble here.
- Thanks for the update.

Take it easy, Mr. Snappy.

I'm here to help you.

Can you believe
that Kirby guy works here?

I can't believe
they finally graduated him.

Remember, guys,
you're still goodwill ambassadors...

We weren't talking to you.

Okay.

- Everything okay, Dr. Crane?
- Absolutely.

I didn't fully appreciate the hard-hitting
nature of your journalism,

but I think I know
how to handle it now.

We're back with more Teen Scene,

and our special guest,
Dr. Frasier Crane.

Now, Dr. Crane, where were we?

I believe we were discussing
my competence

as a mental-health professional.

And though it is true
that I have suffered

several emotional setbacks
in my life,

if we are to be honest,
haven't we all?

And that's your defence?
That we all have problems?

[ALL SCOFF]

Perhaps I can better illustrate my point
by reading from a poem entitled:

"An Onion for Trisha."

Where did you get that?

My heart is like an onion

Filled with layers of tears

Why, oh, why did you leave me,
Trisha?

- Okay, give me that!
- Trisha Sharpe?

You said you never liked her.

Ooh, Trent, tough blow!

Yes, it seems
that youthful relationships

are fraught with emotional hazards.

Especially in the case
of a young woman

who finds her first love
at math camp.

- What happened at math camp?
- I don't wanna talk about it.

- Uh, Dr. Crane...
- Yes, Ryan,

or as the boys
on the swim team call you...

So do you have any good advice
for kids that wanna go to college?

As a matter of fact, I believe I do.

In short, caller,
there is nothing wrong with you.

And you're not going to get sick.

But remember,
the more frequently you do it,

the less special it becomes.

I hope that answers your question.

MAN [OVER PHONE]:
Uh, yeah. Well, uh, thanks a lot.

Well, that about wraps it up
for tonight's Teen Scene.

For Trent, Ryan and Emily,
this is Andy McNiff,

reminding you we're still taking
applications for the moderator's job,

and wishing you a teen-tastic week.

Good night.

- Thanks, kids. I had fun.
- Yeah, thanks.

Thank you. You made my month.

[CHUCKLES]

Way to go, Dr. Crane!
That was sweet.

I'm not exactly
proud of myself, Kirby.

You should be, man.
Those dinks brought it on themselves.

They were like,
"We're gonna get this old dude."

And then you were like,
"Old dude? Say what?" And it was like:

Wham! Wham! Smack-down!
Boom! Boom! Doc...

Well said, Kirby. Uh...

And thank you for helping me out.

By the way,
how did you dig up all that stuff?

Oh, let's just say I got a few
operatives who were, uh, held back.

Ah. Heh-heh-heh.

KIRBY: Hey, you know, why don't
you and I continue this conversation

over a cheeseburger or some such?

FRASIER:
I'd like that very much.