Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 18 - War of the Words - full transcript

Lillian, the next time
your perfectionist tendencies

drive you to distraction,
just remember this quotation

from Henry James:

"Excellence
does not require perfection."

LILLIAN [ON PHONE]:
That's very helpful. Thank you.

Or is it "demand"?

Hmm, require, demand.
Excellence does not require perfection.

Excellence
does not demand perfection.

- Aren't they the same thing?
- Of course not, Roz, shush.

Excellence, demand.
Require, demand. Require.

- Oh! Or is it "mandate"?
LILLIAN: I really have to go now.



Oh, well, doesn't really matter anyway,
does it?

Ha, ha, meantime, Seattle,
this is Dr. Frasier Crane

wishing you good day...
Oh, it's... It's "require." It is "require."

[FRASIER LAUGHS]

- And good mental health.

- Frasier,
- Yeah?

Would you please give this
to Freddie for me?

It's for his spelling bee tomorrow.

Roz, it's not a spelling bee,
it's the national championship.

- Oh. Ew, when is Lilith coming in?
- Well, actually, she's not coming in.

She'll be watching the competition
from home.

Her victory dance at state finals
earned her a long overdue suspension.

[CHUCKLES]

So, what is this anyway?



It's a flattened penny.
I found it at the railroad tracks once

when I was going through
a really bad time,

but as soon as I picked it up,
started getting lucky.

Oh, so that's where it all started.
Hmm.

No.

Why are you turning a nice gesture
into something dirty?

I'm sorry, Roz. I know
it didn't bring you that kind of luck.

- Thank you.
- That would be one tired penny.

FRASIER: Eddie Crane from Seattle,
your word is "woof."

[BARKS]

MARTIN:
W-O-O-F.

[BARKS]

FRASIER:
Very good.

Frederick Crane from Massachusetts,
your word is "onomatopoeia."

Wrong.

Where are your knees?
I wanna see spelling knees.

Oh, yeah, right.

Last thing you wanna do is pass out
on stage because of locked knees.

I know.
Allison Sharf, the Frisco Fainter.

She went down
like a sack of hammers.

All right, now, go to the hallway mirror
and look at your form.

Aren't you two
going a little overboard with this?

The drills, the stance,
the spelling diet.

Dad, Freddie really wants to win
this competition.

- I'm doing my best to help him.
- Well, you shouldn't overtrain him.

He needs to have some fun.

I told him he could bring his clarinet.

All right, I'll talk to him.

Thanks, Dad.
I think I got my stance down now.

FRASIER:
Good boy.

Frederick, have a seat for a minute.
Something I wanna tell you.

Listen,

I don't want you to get consumed
by this spelling-bee thing, all right?

It's not important
if you're a good speller

or the best speller.

The important thing
is that you have fun.

- Okay?
- Okay, Dad.

- Know what'd be really fun?
- What's that?

- Kicking butt in the spelling bee.
FRASIER: Ha, ha.

- Oh, Niles, Daph.
- Hello, all.

Listen, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.

I could only get two tickets
for the spelling-bee competition.

Oh, that's a shame.
But we'll be there in spirit, ha, ha.

It's probably just as well,
considering how emotional I get

watching children compete.

Keep thinking
how much it means to them.

Like the little girl who studies
over candlelight

while her father's down at the pub

drinking away the money
for the light bill, ha, ha.

Or the little girl on the school bus
who pretends not to see her father

waving at her from the pub.

Then there's the little girl
who thinks that by doing well,

she can grow up,
purchase the local pub

and turn it into a circus so her father
can keep his promise.

We had a little wine at lunch.

Don't worry about the tickets.

Uh, while I would have gone
to support Freddie,

I have to admit,
I wasn't looking forward

- to being back in that environment.
- Oh.

Don't get sidetracked
by all the glitz and glamour of the bee.

Spelling well is its own reward.

What was that about?

Well, your Uncle Niles has a painful
history with spelling bees.

- Really? Was he any good?
- Ah, one of the best to ever compete.

Better than you, Dad?

Son,

as good as I was, my spelling
couldn't compare with Niles'.

He was right up there with the likes
of William Kerek from Akron

and that Peterson girl from Omaha.

Except your uncle
was even younger.

Some people thought he wasn't ready,
that it was a mistake

to bring him up to the show
right out of elementary school,

but he made it
all the way to the last word.

What happened?

He didn't even try to spell it.

He just stood there for a moment

and turned and walked off-stage.

He was immediately disqualified
and he never competed again.

FREDERICK:
Never?

Sure, he'd spell now and again,

but only to help you out,
and you had to really need it,

because he could spot a setup
a mile away.

Wow, sounds to me like he choked.

Choked?

Or was he the victim
of an elaborate conspiracy?

Really?

Oh, I thought I heard him
coming down the hall. He choked.

Logorrhea.
Um, can I have a definition?

[WHISPERS]
Uh-oh. Always a bad sign.

Excessive use of words.

L-O-G-O-R-H-E-A. Logorrhea.

[BUZZER BUZZES]

I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

So long, homeschool.

GADSTON:
And that completes the tenth round.

We'll begin round 11
of the National Spelling Championship

after a five-minute intermission.

FRASIER: Freddie.
You're doing great, son, great.

MARTIN: You've got it made, especially
since that Asian kid was eliminated.

- They're the ones you have to watch.
- Dad, don't stereotype.

Not even a positive one?

Oh, jeez, what's happening
in this country?

Well...

- Hi, Freddie.
- Hi, Amanda.

Don't let her distract you
with her wiles, son.

There'll be plenty of women
once you win this thing, all right?

You were a little wobbly
on that last word.

Just remember,
when the root word is Greek,

the "uh" sound
is made with the letter Y.

So far, all the sneaky ones
have had Greek roots.

Oh, so it's okay
for you to stereotype.

Oh.

Dad, we've gone over this
a million times. I got it.

- All right.
- Where'd you get the soda?

Oh, come on, I'll show you.

- Hey, hi there. John Clayton.
- Oh, hi.

- My son is one of the finalists, ha, ha.
- Oh, nice to meet you.

- Frasier Crane. I'm Frederick's dad.
- Yeah.

- You gotta great little speller there.
- Aw, yeah, you too.

Yeah, first year I take it?
Look, let me give you a little advice.

Watch out for some of the parents,
they can be kind of cutthroat.

Oh, well, thanks for the tip.

Yeah, no problem.
So you and Freddie,

you working all the usual things:
Roots, suffixes, prefixes?

- Yes, yes, all of that.
- Good, good.

How about attitude,
breathing, endurance?

- Sure, sure.
- Yeah.

- Endurance?
- Excuse me.

Betsy, the Crane kid's got no legs.

All right, we're ready to resume.

Amanda Abrams.

Amanda, your word is "milieu."

Milieu. M-l-L-L-l-E-U. Milieu.

[BUZZER BUZZES]

[CROWD GROANING]

Won't be long now.

Syllepsis. S-Y-L-L-E-P-S-l-S.
Syllepsis.

Warren Clayton, resipiscence.

R-E-C-l-P-l-S-C-E-N-C-E.
Resipiscence.

[BUZZER BUZZES]

GADSTON:
I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

If Frederick Crane gets the next word
he will be the national champion.

Frederick,
your word is "hermeneutic."

Um, may I have a definition?

GADSTON:
Interpretive or explanatory.

Hermeneutic.

H-E-R-M-E-N-E-U-T-l-C.
Hermeneutic.

GADSTON:
We have a new national champion.

- Frederick Crane.
FRASIER: Wonderful.

So wonderful, ha, ha.

Congratulations, son.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

DAPHNE: When you were spelling
that last word,

I thought
I was gonna have a heart attack.

- Weren't you scared?
- A little, but then I relaxed.

That is your spelling stance
working for you.

Bend at the knees, spell with ease.

Well, this calls for a toast.

Is it all right if Freddie
has a little C-H-A-M-P-A-G-N-E?

Daphne, he's the best speller
in the country.

- So I should get the good stuff.
- Yes, ha, ha.

NILES: You should be very proud
of your accomplishment, Freddie.

Just keep it in perspective.

And don't forget the 26 little friends
who got you here.

MARTIN:
Gather round, everybody.

Almost time for ESPN
to air Freddie's interview.

That's right.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV]

You know, I have no idea
where ESPN is. Uh...

Thanks, Dad.

I told you that penny
would bring him luck.

Actually, Roz,
I never even gave it to him.

You see, with all of Freddie's
hard work and dedication,

inspired coaching, he had no need
for your superstitious talisman.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Just a gesture.

I mean, I found it at the railroad tracks,
not in some enchanted wood.

Oh, well, what a surprise.
Please, uh, come in.

Everyone, this is Dr. Bernard Gadston
from the spelling bee.

MARTIN: Oh, hi, doc.
- It's lovely of you to join us

in our celebration.
Can I get you some refreshment?

Unfortunately,
this is not a pleasure visit.

I must inform you that there has been
an accusation of cheating.

Not the Asian kid.

What? I said not the Asian kid.
Would somebody tell me the rules?

Well, whoever the culprit is, uh,

we have no wish
to soil this noble event

by filing a formal protest.

We're certainly happy
with the way things turned out.

I'm afraid it's Frederick
who has been accused of cheating.

FREDERICK:
What?

I don't know what kind of sick joke
you're playing

but my son is no cheater.

I was there. I didn't see anything.

Well, we have evidence
to the contrary.

Mr. And Mrs. Clayton
noticed an anomaly on the tape

while they were making Warren
watch it.

What sort of an anomaly?

You were clearly
mouthing the letters

as Frederick spelled the last word,
Dr. Crane.

- I did no such thing.
- We have it on the tape.

Well, if I did,
it certainly wasn't a conscious act.

It was like singing along at a concert.

You know, I remember
being admonished once by the ushers

for joining in
a particularly intense performance

of "Das Lied von der Erde."

But I wasn't even looking at him.

Let's not make this any more painful
than it already is.

The committee has reviewed the tape
and decided

to award the trophy Warren Clayton.

- What? You can't do that.
MARTIN: This stinks.

I'm sure you'd like to avoid
embarrassment as much as we would,

so we'll just say this was all due
to a technicality.

That way Frederick can keep
his regional title

and attend the banquet
tomorrow night for the finalists.

This isn't fair.

I'm sorry, son.

I hope I'll see you at the dinner.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Thanks a lot, Dad.

[SIGHS]

Should've given him the penny.

Great news.

I have just spoken with a lawyer
who believes we have a case

against the spelling-bee officials.
Isn't that great?

Frederick,

look, I know how upset you are.

I'm so sorry.

Frederick,
aren't you gonna say something?

- Talked to Mom today.
- You're a bigger man than I am.

FREDERICK:
That's what she said.

I've really done it this time, haven't I?

I feel terrible.

- He just hates me.
- No, he's disappointed, that's all.

He knows that if I made a mistake,

it was only because
I wanted him to win so badly.

MARTIN:
He'll get over it.

Remember when you were 13,
you had that science project?

I came in your room and sat on it.

- You forgave me.
- True.

Spent six months
working on that project.

Well, my point is accidents happen.
He'll come to see that.

Ah, I suppose you're right.

Three perfectly good chairs
in my room,

you had to sit on my hybrid orchid.

Well, let's hope Freddie's
as forgiving as you are.

So, uh, wanna go to that banquet
tonight, Freddie?

I don't think so.

It'll just be a bunch of people
saying bad stuff about me.

- None of which is true.
- But they think it is.

- Here you go.
- Uncle Niles?

Is it true that you walked off-stage
on the last word of the National Bee?

Now, where did you hear that?

Dad and Grandpa.
They said you were one of the best.

Well, they exaggerate.

They said you were just as good
as somebody named Kerek?

Just as good?

Funny.

Anyway,

the story is true.

Never talked about it before,
but I will,

since you also have the gift.

Have a seat.

[SIGHS]

I was, uh, a little younger than you.

Been winning
numerous competitions,

but, uh, I was obsessed with one thing
and one thing only,

the national championship.

The time finally came and there I was,
standing on that stage,

waiting for the judge
to say the final word.

And suddenly it happened.

It all clicked. All the rules:
I before E, assimilations, etymologies,

they all became one,

and then became nothing.

In that moment I realised
there was no word I couldn't spell.

Competitions didn't matter anymore

because I was one
with the higher truth, that is spelling.

So when the judge
said that last word,

I simply walked away.

Didn't you care what people said?

Ho, people said a lot of things
that weren't true.

"He didn't know the word.
He was scared. Mafia this."

No, didn't bother me

because they couldn't take away
what I knew in my heart.

You know how to spell.

And it doesn't matter
what anybody else thinks.

Hey, hey,
don't you want your ice cream?

No. I have a banquet to go to.

- Ah, here we are.
- Hi, Amanda.

Never mind her, Freddie.

It's her problem, not yours.

You didn't do anything wrong.

I know. Neither did you.

Excuse me.

GADSTON:
Good evening.

I'd like to take this opportunity
to welcome you

to this year's annual Spell-a-bration.

Because of the irregularities
with this year's event,

this gathering has been renamed
the Unity Dinner

and is in honour of all the finalists.

What is that supposed to mean,
"irregularities"?

Frasier, Frasier, let it go.

Crane, no hard feelings.

- No feelings at all.
- Oh, don't be like that.

You're not the first person
tempted to get around the rules.

You just got caught.

I did not get caught.

Well, cameras never lie
and cheaters never prosper.

- And you never shut up.
NILES: Frasier, Frasier,

let's try to follow Frederick's example
and carry ourselves with dignity.

SECURITY GUARD:
Where are your parents?

FRASIER:
Freddie? What's going on?

I caught these two fighting
in the men's room.

- He punched me.
FRASIER: Is this true?

He deserved it.

Why'd you do it, Freddie?

- He called my dad a cheater.
- You were defending me?

- Where's your blazer?
- It's in the bathroom.

Oh, dear. If it's touched the floor,
we'll have to destroy it.

Freddie, I want you to apologise
to Warren right now.

Yes, and then, Warren,
you apologise too.

Being a name-caller is almost as bad
as being a cheater.

I am not a cheater. You are a thief.

- My son is the true champion.
- Yeah, when your dad's here to help.

Hey, I can out-spell you any time,
any place.

Oh, yeah? How about right now?

[STAMMERS] Hold on, son.
We don't have to prove anything.

- I can take you in five words.
- Okay, you're on. For the trophy.

Why? We already have the trophy.
Ha, ha.

Crane, why don't you talk some sense
into your boy there?

- Freddie...
- Dad, I wanna spell.

What's the matter, John?
You scared?

[CROWD MUTTERING]

For the trophy.

We have already selected
an official winner.

If you would like to brawl,
take it someplace else.

- Let's take it outside.
FRASIER: To the street.

Sudden death.
Scripps Howard rules.

- Bring it on.
- People, stop, please.

Look at yourselves.

This is wrong.

What are words, after all,
but a way to communicate,

to bring us together?

But you...
You're using them as weapons.

Now, we still have an opportunity
to walk away from here as winners.

And wouldn't that be the greatest
spell-a-bration of all?

He's right, son. Let's go home.

Yeah. We're all winners,
except for the two cheaters.

Hey, you know how to spell loser?
C-R-A-N-E.

You don't have to worry
about seeing him again.

Chances are he'll end up
in a state school.

How dare you.

- Can you take him?
- Yeah.

Then spell his ass off.