Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 8 - Mary Christmas - full transcript
It is nearly time for the Seattle Christmas Parade, and Frasier, who as a child viewed this event as marking the official start of Christmas, is keen to co-host the KACL coverage with Kelly Kirkland. He ingratiates himself by inviting her for a meal at his apartment, and prepares dishes that have featured in her Channel 6 show. She is very happy to give him the job, but the following day Kelly announces that she has food poisoning and is unable to host at all. Suddenly, Frasier finds himself co-hosting with Dr. Mary Thomas, recently returned to KACL by popular demand.
WELL, WE'VE GOT JUST ABOUT A
MINUTE BEFORE WE GO TO THE NEWS.
I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE
TOM FROM FREMONT ON LINE 1.
GO AHEAD, TOM.
(Tom) I DON'T WANT TO BE
SQUEEZED INTO A MINUTE,
I WILL GO ON AFTER THE NEWS.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM NOW
AND THEN I CAN GIVE YOU MY
REPLY WHEN WE COME BACK.
NO, I'LL WAIT.
VERY WELL.
ROZ, WHO ELSE DO WE HAVE?
WE HAVE BRIAN ON A CAR PHONE.
AH.
GO AHEAD, BRIAN, I'M LISTENING.
(Brian) FOR WHAT, 30
SECONDS? I'LL WAIT, TOO.
ALL RIGHT, THEN. I GUESS
I'LL JUST USE THE TIME MYSELF.
"GIDDY UP, GIDDY UP, LET'S GO.
"TO THE SEATTLE CHRISTMAS
PARADE THIS SATURDAY,
"BROADCAST LIVE ON CHANNEL 6
TV AND HOSTED BY KELLY KIRKLAND
OF CHANNEL 6's KELLY
AND CAROL SHOW."
YOU KNOW, I MUST SAY THAT
KELLY KIRKLAND IS A REAL TREASURE.
SHE'S SINCERE AND
CHARMING AND...
WELL, JUST ABOUT AS
LIKEABLE AS SUNSHINE.
(Frasier) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
ARE YOU OK? HUH?
WELL, OF COURSE, WHY?
OH, I WAS AFRAID WITH ALL THAT
SUCKING UP YOU MIGHT HAVE BURST A LUNG.
THAT'S VERY FUNNY, ROZ.
YOU SEE, KELLY'S LOOKING FOR A NEW
CO-HOST FOR THE PARADE THIS YEAR.
I WAS HOPING IT MIGHT BE ME.
YOU KNOW, I'VE WATCHED
THAT PARADE SINCE I WAS A CHILD
AND THIS IS MY CHANCE
TO BECOME A PART OF IT.
OH, I THOUGHT SHE DID THAT
PARADE WITH HER HUSBAND.
I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T HEARD.
YOU SEE, SHE'S DISCOVERED THAT
CAROL'S BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH HER CUE-CARD GIRL.
HOW'D SHE CATCH HIM?
DID SHE FIND A GIANT
LOVE LETTER IN HIS POCKET?
HEY, FRASIER, GUESS WHO?
MARY THOMAS, WELL, HELLO, MARY.
UH, ROZ, YOU REMEMBER MARY, SHE AND I
BRIEFLY CO-HOSTED MY SHOW LAST YEAR.
OF COURSE, I REMEMBER.
I LISTEN TO YOUR SHOW
ON K.E.Z.W. ALL THE TIME.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU SO
MUCH AND JUST FOR THAT,
HERE'S A COPY OF MY NEW BOOK.
AND FRASIER, HERE'S
ONE FOR YOU, TOO. OH.
"WARM BREAD FOR
THE SOUL BY DR. MARY."
I SEE YOU'RE STILL IDENTIFYING
YOURSELF AS A DOCTOR.
BUT NOW IT'S TRUE. YOU READ
THE INSIDE COVER. REALLY?
"DR. MARY HAS HEALED THOUSANDS
OF SEATTLE RADIO LISTENERS
"AND IS A SUMMA
CUM LAUDE GRADUATE
OF THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS."
YES.
WELL, MARY, I... I HATE TO QUIBBLE ABOUT
THINGS LIKE ACCREDITATION AND SUCH...
WHOA, IT'S LIKE THE AMERICAN
MEDICAL ASSOCIATION IN HERE!
SO, ISN'T THIS GREAT?
DR. MARY'S COMING BACK TO K.A.C.L.
OH, HEY, CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
OH, YES,
CONGRATULATIONS, INDEED.
I... I MUST HAVE
MISSED THAT MEMO.
YEAH, SHE WAS DOING SO GREAT IN
THE RATINGS WE HAD TO STEAL HER BACK.
NOW, I THOUGHT YOU DOCTORS
TOOK AN OATH NOT TO HURT ANYBODY.
YOU ARE KILLIN' US.
AREN'T YOU SWEET?
YOU GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.
[laughing]
UH, FRASIER, I HOPE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT WITH THIS.
I KNOW LAST TIME YOU WEREN'T SO
THRILLED ABOUT US WORKING TOGETHER.
OH, NO, THIS TIME WE'LL
HAVE SEPARATE SHOWS.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE
GONNA BE SHARING A MIKE.
WE WON'T BE SHARING
A MIKE, WILL WE?
OF COURSE NOT. WE'RE GIVING
MARY THE MORNING DRIVE SHIFT.
OH, WELL...
THE SHIFT WITH THE...
THE BIGGEST AUDIENCE
AND... AND THE
BEST DEMOGRAPHICS.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, I'LL BE
PROMOTING YOUR SHOW EVERY SINGLE DAY.
IS THIS WOMAN NOT GENEROUS?
GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.
NO, BABY, YOU ALREADY GOT
YOURS, BUT HERE'S A BOOK FOR YOU.
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO ALL. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[Mary laughing]
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?
OH. NILES. HEY.
I HOPE YOU HAD THE PRESENCE OF
MIND TO BRING PRESENTS OF MINE.
[Frasier laughing] I HAVEN'T HEARD
THAT LINE SINCE LAST YEAR.
AH, BUT THEN, CHRISTMAS IS
THE SEASON FOR CHESTNUTS.
AH, YES.
WHAT'S ALL THE FOOD FOR?
WELL, ACTUALLY, KELLY
KIRKLAND'S COMING OVER,
AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION.
YOU SEE, I'M DOING MY BEST TO
CHARM MY WAY INTO THAT PARADE JOB.
WHAT IS IT WITH YOU
AND THIS PARADE?
OH, NILES, DON'T YOU
REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS?
WE'D SIT ON THE COUCH
AND CRADLE OUR COCOAS
AND STAY UP LATE TO
WATCH OUR HOLIDAY HOSTS,
BOB VERNON AND
SERGEANT MICHELLE.
(both) THE TRAFFIC LADY.
OH, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT THEM IN YEARS.
YOU KNOW, TO ME, THAT WAS ALWAYS
THE OFFICIAL BEGINNING OF CHRISTMAS.
AND NOW THIS IS MY CHANCE TO USHER IN
THE SEASON FOR A WHOLE NEW GENERATION.
I LOVED SERGEANT MICHELLE.
YEAH.
TO THIS DAY, EVERY TIME I
CROSS AGAINST THE LIGHT,
I FEEL LIKE I'M
LETTING HER DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS
THAT FETID SMELL?
OH, OH, THAT'S THE FOOD.
I'M... I'M PREPARING DISHES THAT
HAVE BEEN FEATURED ON KELLY'S SHOW.
[oven bell dings] OH, LORD,
THAT'LL BE MY HOBO CASSEROLE.
HOBO. THAT'S THE SMELL.
HEY, NILES.
HELLO, DAPHNE.
SO, WHERE WE GOING
FOR DINNER TONIGHT?
OH, UH, WELL, IT'S YOUR PICK.
ALTHOUGH, WORD
ON THE STREET HAS IT
THAT CHEZ DU MONT HAS THE MOST
DELECTABLE HUDSON VALLEY FOIE GRAS.
OH, NILES, YOU'RE SPOILING ME.
ALL THIS RICH FOOD'S GONNA
START CATCHING UP WITH MY FIGURE.
OH, NOT YOU, MY LITTLE
HUMMINGBIRD, NEVER.
YOU'RE AS SWEET AS
A CHOCOLATE SOUFFLE.
LET'S GET SOME OF THOSE TONIGHT.
WELL, THAT'S IT.
I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE
STOCKPILED BALLANTINE'S
AS SOON AS THEY
STOPPED MAKING IT.
NOW, I CAN'T FIND A SINGLE CAN.
CHRISTMAS IS RUINED.
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT
MORE THAN BEER, MR. CRANE.
YEAH, AND THIS YEAR'S EXTRA SPECIAL
BECAUSE DAPHNE AND I ARE TOGETHER.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE. NO
MORE MEL, NO MARIS, NO LILITH.
MAYBE I WON'T NEED
BEER THIS CHRISTMAS.
[doorbell ringing]
THAT'S KELLY.
(Niles) OOH. SHOWTIME.
AW, KELLY. HI, FRASIER.
GOSH, YOU KNOW,
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
SINCE THE, THE "BROADCASTERS
AGAINST LITTER" MARCH.
I THINK WE REALLY
MADE A DIFFERENCE.
INDEED WE DID. NOW,
PLEASE, COME ON IN.
I'D LIKE YOU MEET MY BROTHER,
NILES, AND HIS GIRLFRIEND, DAPHNE.
HELLO.
DO I SMELL HOBO CASSEROLE?
YES.
CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT'S LIKE
YOU'RE UNDER A RAILROAD BRIDGE.
YES, OFF YOU GO.
SO, YOU KNOW ABOUT
HOBO CASSEROLE?
WELL, I MAKE IT ON MY SHOW.
YOU KNOW, I GET SO MANY OF
MY RECIPES FROM YOUR SHOW
THAT I'VE FORGOTTEN WHICH
ARE MINE AND WHICH ARE YOURS.
AH, NOW DON'T TELL ME
THAT'S POTATO CHIP SALAD.
UH-OH, THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
SO, YOU REALLY ARE A FAN
OF THE SHOW, HUH? GUILTY.
I ESPECIALLY ADMIRE YOUR
WORK ON THE CHRISTMAS PARADE.
YOU REALLY WANT THIS, DON'T YOU?
OH, GOSH, I DO. I REALLY
DO. I... I MUST ADMIT IT.
IN FACT, YOU KNOW, I'D BE WILLING
TO AUDITION FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.
OH, FRASIER, NOW
THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.
KELLY, KELLY,
PLEASE, I'D... I'D LIKE TO.
LISTEN, I EXAMINED
THE PARADE SCHEDULE
AND I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY
OF PREPARING A FEW AD-LIBS.
IF... IF YOU WOULD
INDULGE ME IN ONE OR TWO?
[laughing] OK.
ALL RIGHT.
"SAY, KELLY.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN 80 BEAVERS
MARCH IN PERFECT RHYTHM?"
"OH, FRASIER, EVERYONE
KNOWS BEAVERS CAN'T MARCH."
"OH, THEY CAN, WHEN THEY'RE
THE MARCHING BEAVERS
OF THE RIVERSIDE
HIGH SCHOOL BAND."
"HEY, YOU TRICKED ME."
"SORRY, KELLY, BUT HOW ABOUT
THOSE INCREDIBLE FORMATIONS?
THEY'RE SO PRECISE."
"WELL, THAT DOESN'T
SURPRISE ME, FRASE,
AFTER ALL, THE BEAVER IS
NATURE'S FIRST ENGINEER."
THAT'S NICE BANTER.
WELL, SEATTLE, THANK
YOU FOR YOUR CALLS.
[tapping]
SEATTLE, THANK
YOU FOR YOUR CALLS.
HEY, FRASIER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OVER THE CHRISTMAS WEEKEND?
WELL, ROZ, IF YOU INSIST
ON INTERROGATING ME,
I'LL BE CO-HOSTING THE SEATTLE
CHRISTMAS PARADE TOMORROW NIGHT...
[bells ringing]
ON CHANNEL 6 WITH THE LOVELY
AND TALENTED KELLY KIRKLAND.
I HOPE IT WILL BE THE BEGINNING
OF A NEW HOLIDAY TRADITION.
GOOD MENTAL HEALTH,
SEATTLE. SEE YOU AT THE PARADE.
[Frasier laughing]
HEY, DOC.
OH, SURE WISH YOU HADN'T
DONE THAT LITTLE PROMO.
WHY? KELLY TOLD
ME I HAD THE JOB.
HER WORD IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.
I KNEW I COULDN'T
TRUST THAT WOMAN.
AND AFTER I HAD HER TO MY
HOME FOR THAT HILLBILLY BUFFET.
SHE'S GOT FOOD POISONING.
SHE'LL BE LAID UP FOR DAYS.
OH, TOUGH BLOW.
BUT I'M NOTHING IF NOT A TEAM PLAYER,
YOU KNOW. I'LL DO THE PARADE MYSELF.
BOY, YOU REALLY KNOW HOW
TO LAND ON YOUR FEET, DOC.
BUT, UH, YOU'RE STILL GONNA
HAVE A CO-HOST. UH-HUH.
WELL, THERE'S
NOTHING OFFICIAL YET,
BUT A FEW NAMES
ARE FLOATIN' AROUND.
I'LL LET YOU KNOW
IF I HEAR ANYTHING.
WELL, ANYWAY, HAPPY
HOLIDAYS, DUKE. YEAH.
OH, WAIT! WAIT. I ALMOST FORGOT.
GUESS WHO'S HOSTING THE
CHRISTMAS PARADE TONIGHT?
[chuckling] OH, THAT'D BE SWEET.
NO, IT'S FRASIER.
OK, SEE YOU, DUKE.
WELL, DAD, HOW DO I LOOK?
WELL, A SMILE'D HELP.
OH, I KNOW,
IT'S JUST THAT THIS WHOLE MARY
THING'S GOT ME KIND OF UPSET.
YOU KNOW, THAT WOMAN
GREW UP IN SEATTLE,
SHE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN
THAT PARADE, IT'S A SACRILEGE.
MY GOD, YOU KNOW, THIS
EVENT, IT'S AN INSTITUTION.
IT CARRIES WITH IT A TRADITION
OF... OF PRIDE AND... AND PAGEANTRY
AND OLD-FASHIONED GOOD TIMES.
YOU KNOW,
THAT'S NOT BAD, I THINK
I MIGHT OPEN WITH IT.
HEY, FRASIER, GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.
OH, THANKS, NILES.
WE'LL BE WATCHING.
HEY, MAYBE YOU COULD
SAY HI TO US ON THE AIR.
OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DAPHNE, THIS IS
NOT SOME SORT OF A... A HOME MOVIE.
THIS EVENT CARRIES WITH IT A
TRADITION OF PRIDE, PAGEANTRY,
AND OLD-FASHIONED GOOD TIMES.
UH, NO, I DON'T LIKE IT.
[door closing]
MAYBE I'LL HEAT UP SOME
CIDER FOR THE PARADE.
OH, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. DAD?
I GUESS.
PARADE JUST WON'T BE THE
SAME WITHOUT BALLANTINE.
IS ANYTHING THE SAME TO
YOU WITHOUT BALLANTINE?
OH, SURE, LOTS OF STUFF.
NO, NOT REALLY.
DAD, I KNOW, CHRISTMAS
IS A FEW DAYS OFF
BUT DAPHNE AND I WERE WONDERING
IF IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA FOR YOU
TO OPEN ONE OF
YOUR PRESENTS EARLY.
OH, NO, THAT'D BE CHEATING.
NO OPENING PRESENTS
TILL CHRISTMAS MORNING.
ARE YOU SURE?
[laughing]
WELL, YOU... YOU KNOW, I
GUESS ONE WOULDN'T HURT.
BUT I'M NOT DOING THIS
BY MYSELF, THOUGH.
YOU TWO GOT TO
OPEN SOMETHIN', TOO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ONE WOULDN'T HURT. ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
OH, AND THAT'S YOURS. THANK YOU.
EVERYBODY GOT SOMETHING? YES.
ALL RIGHT, GOOD!
[laughing]
I KNEW IT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
JUST HOW'D YOU KEEP IT COLD?
I HID IT IN THE
VEGETABLE CRISPER.
I KNEW YOU'D NEVER LOOK THERE.
OH, NILES, THEY'RE
EXQUISITE. THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
AND YOU GOT ME...
OH...
[exclaiming]
BATTERIES!
THANK YOU.
OH, YOU OPENED
THE WRONG PACKAGE.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO OPEN THIS ONE.
NO, NO, I CAN'T OPEN
ANOTHER ONE, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF WE ALL OPENED
ONE MORE THAT'D MAKE IT EVEN.
SOUNDS FAIR.
ALL RIGHT, BUT THAT'S IT.
YES, NO MORE.
♪ [marching band playing]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SEATTLE.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE...
AND DR. MARY.
WELCOMING YOU TO THE 42ND
ANNUAL SEATTLE CHRISTMAS PARADE.
YES. FIRST OFF, WE WANNA WISH
KELLY KIRKLAND A
SPEEDY RECOVERY.
INDEED, AND MAY I SAY,
IT'S AN HONOR TO BE SITTING
HERE IN THE VERY CHAIRS
THAT WERE ONCE
OCCUPIED BY THE LEGENDARY
BOB VERNON AND HIS
CO-HOST SERGEANT MICHELLE,
THAT STARTED THIS
TRADITION SO MANY YEARS AGO.
AND HERE COMES OUR FIRST
FLOAT, FROSTY THE SNOWMAN.
[crowd cheering]
YOU KNOW, MARY,
HISTORICALLY SPEAKING,
THE FIRST FLOAT WAS
PROBABLY THE TROJAN HORSE,
WHICH WAS A GIFT TO
THE PEOPLE OF TROY.
ONCE BROUGHT INSIDE
THE CITY WALLS, HOWEVER,
THEY DISCOVERED IT WAS
FILLED WITH GREEK SOLDIERS,
WHO SLAUGHTERED THEIR
TROJAN ENEMIES IN THE STREET.
OF COURSE, MODERN FLOATS
HAVE COME A LONG WAY SINCE THEN.
WE HOPE.
WELL, THIS FLOAT
COMES TO US AS A GIFT
FROM SEATTLE'S SISTER
CITY, MANAGUA, NICARAGUA.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE THE
WAY THAT SOUNDS.
MANAGUA, NICARAGUA.
IT SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME
OF A FINE LATINO MAN.
[in man's voice] WOULD YOU
LIKE TO DANCE, DR. MARY?
YES, I WOULD, MANAGUA NICARAGUA.
SHAKE THAT CUTE LITTLE
COSTA RICA FOR ME.
FOR MORE INFORMATION,
HERE'S FLOAT REPORTER MIKE.
AND WE'RE CLEAR.
THIS IS FUN. ISN'T THIS FUN?
YES, YES, BUT YOU KNOW, MARY,
MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY, UH,
STICKING TO THE SCRIPT, HMM?
THE MORE WE IMPROVISE, THE
LESS PROFESSIONAL WE LOOK.
OH, OK, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
HEY, MARY, GREAT
AD-LIBBING. MORE OF THAT.
FRASIER, TRY TO LOOSEN
UP. WE'RE BACK IN 5.
(man) 4, 3, 2...
AS YOU CAN SEE, MARY, THIS ENORMOUS
STOCKING IS OVERSTUFFED WITH PRESENTS.
OOH, I'D LIKE TO TEAR INTO
ONE OF THOSE GIFTS RIGHT NOW.
(Frasier) WELL, NOT UNTIL
CHRISTMAS MORNING, MARY.
YOU KNOW, IN MY HOUSE, WE
DON'T EVEN SHAKE THE BOXES.
WE'RE GOING TO NEED
SOME WRAPPING PAPER.
THERE'S A COUPLE
OF ROLLS IN MY ROOM.
I'LL GET THE TAPE.
AND THIS IS THE FIFTH FLOAT SPONSORED
BY A LOCAL SOFTWARE COMPANY.
HEY, THOSE GUYS ON THAT GIANT
LAPTOP ARE THROWING CANDY CANES.
YES, MARY, AT 150 FEET,
IT CERTAINLY IS THE
LARGEST FLOAT IN THE PARADE.
HEY, THROW SOME OF THOSE
CANDY CANES OVER HERE!
COME ON, COME ON, PUT SOME
MUSCLE INTO IT, YOU NERDS!
OH, COME, MARY, LET'S
NOT DISPARAGE THE GOOD...
[laughing] OW!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD
TIME FOR A BREAK.
BUT WE HAVE AN EXCITING
SURPRISE COMING UP.
A SPECIAL MYSTERY GUEST.
IT'S SANTA!
[screaming]
[crowd cheering]
THANK YOU, MARY.
AND, WE'RE CLEAR.
♪ [band playing]
I THINK I'M GONNA
GO GET SOME AIR.
BUT WE'RE OUTSIDE.
I'M GONNA STRETCH MY LEGS.
HEY, FRASIER, THANKS FOR THE
TICKETS. ALICE IS HAVING A GREAT TIME.
WELL, I'M GLAD SOMEBODY IS.
MARY IS RUINING MY PARADE.
DO YOU KNOW... THIS HAS BEEN CALLED
"NICE BANTER" BY A TOP PARADE PROFESSIONAL.
DOES ANYBODY GET TO HEAR IT? NO.
INSTEAD, MARY JUST
PRATTLES ON ENDLESSLY
AS IF EVERY IDEA THAT POPS INTO
HER HEAD IS WORTH SAYING OUT LOUD.
SHE IS TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE.
NOW, SANTA'S COMING UP AND
I'VE PREPARED A REALLY CUTE BIT,
AND I KNOW SHE'S
GONNA RUIN THAT, TOO.
LOOK, IF YOU TELL HER HOW
IMPORTANT IT IS, I'M SURE SHE'LL BACK OFF.
SHE'S A REASONABLE PERSON.
(man) 15 SECONDS.
GOOD LUCK. THANKS.
MARY, LISTEN, I'VE LET YOU HAVE FREE
REIN OVER THE PARADE THIS EVENING.
COULD I PLEASE DO THE
SANTA INTERVIEW MYSELF?
OH, OF COURSE, OF
COURSE. THANK YOU. THANKS.
(man) AND CUE. AND WE'RE BACK.
I SEE SOMEONE SPECIAL
GETTING OFF HIS SLEIGH.
[crowd cheering]
HO-HO, HO-HO-HO.
HO-HO-HO.
WELL, HELLO, YOUNG MAN.
SOME CALL HIM ST. NICK,
OTHERS KRIS KRINGLE.
IN HOLLAND, HE'S
AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN...
(Santa) OH, YOU
MUST BE DR. MARY.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN
MEANING TO CALL YOUR SHOW.
MY ELVES ALWAYS SEEM TO GET A
LITTLE BLUE WHEN THE WORK IS DONE,
AND, WELL, I THOUGHT,
MAYBE YOU COULD HELP.
[laughing] OH, SANTA.
SANTA, I'VE GOT SOME
QUESTIONS OVER HERE FOR YOU.
WELL, LET'S ALL SEE IF WE CAN PUT OUR
HEADS TOGETHER AND COME UP WITH A SOLUTION.
(Santa) OH, HO-HO-HO.
KIDS, DO YOU THINK THAT DR. MARY
CAN HELP SANTA TO CHEER UP HIS ELVES?
[crowd cheering]
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE THEM SOME CANDY?
OH, NOW THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
NO, THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.
YOUR ELVES ARE PROBABLY SUFFERING
FROM SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER.
NOW, LOADING THEM UP WITH SWEETS
WILL ONLY AGGRAVATE THE PROBLEM.
BUT MARY'S RIGHT.
KIDS LOVE CANDY.
[crowd cheering]
BUT ELVES ARE NOT
KIDS, THEY'RE TINY MEN.
YES...
WELL, IF YOU WANT MY OPINION...
NO, THANK YOU, MARY.
WE'VE BEEN LISTENING TO
YOUR OPINIONS ALL NIGHT,
AND FRANKLY THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ROOM
LEFT IN OUR HEADS FOR ANOTHER ONE,
[groaning] NOW IF YOU WOULD
JUST GET BACK TO THE DAIS...
I'M SO SORRY. WHAT THE
HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LOOK, I'M BLEEDING,
I'M BLEEDING.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I... I'M FEELING DIZZY.
OH, OH.
CUT TO TAPE. I DON'T CARE
WHAT TAPE, FIND SOMETHING.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU ATTACKED SANTA CLAUS.
LOOK, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
WASN'T IT, MARY? YOU SAW IT.
OH, NOW YOU WANT MY OPINION.
HONEY, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
HELLO, MARY.
HELLO.
ANY WORD ON SANTA?
OH, HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
THEY GAVE HIM A COAGULANT.
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR
THE WAY I ACTED TOWARD YOU.
IT WAS RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL.
WELL, WHAT DID I DO TO
MAKE YOU TREAT ME THAT WAY?
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT DOING THIS
PARADE HAS BEEN A... A DREAM OF MINE
AND IT FELT LIKE YOU WERE
TAKING THAT AWAY FROM ME.
OH, WHAT DO YOU
MEAN? WE'RE A TEAM.
OH, YEAH.
I WAS THE BORING, STIFF GUY AND
YOU WERE THE ONE EVERYBODY LOVED.
OH, COME ON, NOW.
NO, IT'S TRUE, MARY.
THIS TOWN HAS TAKEN YOU INTO ITS HEART
IN A WAY THAT THEY NEVER HAVE WITH ME.
I GUESS I'M A LITTLE
JEALOUS OF THAT.
OH, FRASIER, IF IT
HELPS, I FORGIVE YOU.
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
WHEN YOU'RE NOT TRYING SO HARD,
YOU'RE ACTUALLY KINDA
LOVABLE YOURSELF.
REALLY?
WOULD I BE OVERSTEPPING
MY BOUNDS IF I WERE TO ASK FOR
SOME SUGAR RIGHT NOW?
[both laughing]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRASIER.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MARY.
WELL, I'M GONNA GET
ON OUT OF HERE NOW.
RIGHT, RIGHT, YOU KNOW, I'D
OFFER TO WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR,
BUT THERE ARE STILL SOME
ANGRY PARENTS IN THE PARKING LOT.
OH, OK.
BYE-BYE.
(man) EXCUSE ME.
YOU CAN JUST SWEEP AROUND ME.
UM, NO, I WANNA
INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M BOB VERNON.
BO... BOB VERNON?
THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, IT'S AN HONOR, SIR.
THANK YOU.
SAY, YOU DIDN'T...
YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE
PARADE THIS EVENING, DID YOU?
WELL, I TURNED IT OFF
WHEN THE SMELLING SALTS
STARTED MAKING SANTA NAUSEOUS.
YOU KNOW, FRASIER,
I GOT OFF TO A RATHER ROUGH
START ON THIS PARADE MYSELF.
YOU DID? HMM. OH, YES.
NOW SERGEANT MICHELLE AND I HAD
ABSOLUTELY NO RAPPORT THAT FIRST YEAR.
NO. NOW, FRANKLY,
SHE GOT ON MY NERVES.
YOU KNOW SHE WASN'T
A REAL SERGEANT.
NO!
LISTEN, SON,
TRY TO LIGHTEN UP ON YOURSELF.
YOU DID SOME REAL NICE
WORK OUT THERE TODAY.
THANKS.
GOOD LUCK.
SAY, MR. VERNON?
YEAH?
IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT
YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN
ME IN A LITTLE BANTER?
IT WOULD BE AN HONOR.
[clearing throat] UH, THERE.
RIGHT HERE.
[clearing throat]
SAY, BOB,
"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN 80 BEAVERS
MARCH IN PERFECT RHYTHM?"
"FRASIER, EVERYONE KNOWS
BEAVERS CAN'T MARCH."
"THEY CAN, WHEN THEY'RE
THE MARCHING BEAVERS
OF THE RIVERSIDE HIGH
SCHOOL MARCHING BAND"
"WHOA, YOU TRICKED ME."
"SORRY, BOB, BUT HOW
ABOUT THOSE INCREDIBLE..."
(Frasier) ♪ HEY, BABY, I
HEAR THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪
♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
QUITE STYLISH.
♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪
♪ YEAH, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED ♪
[laughing]
♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪
♪ WITH THOSE TOSSED
SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪
SCRAMBLED EGGS ALL OVER MY FACE.
WHAT IS A BOY TO DO?
FRASIER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
MINUTE BEFORE WE GO TO THE NEWS.
I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE
TOM FROM FREMONT ON LINE 1.
GO AHEAD, TOM.
(Tom) I DON'T WANT TO BE
SQUEEZED INTO A MINUTE,
I WILL GO ON AFTER THE NEWS.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM NOW
AND THEN I CAN GIVE YOU MY
REPLY WHEN WE COME BACK.
NO, I'LL WAIT.
VERY WELL.
ROZ, WHO ELSE DO WE HAVE?
WE HAVE BRIAN ON A CAR PHONE.
AH.
GO AHEAD, BRIAN, I'M LISTENING.
(Brian) FOR WHAT, 30
SECONDS? I'LL WAIT, TOO.
ALL RIGHT, THEN. I GUESS
I'LL JUST USE THE TIME MYSELF.
"GIDDY UP, GIDDY UP, LET'S GO.
"TO THE SEATTLE CHRISTMAS
PARADE THIS SATURDAY,
"BROADCAST LIVE ON CHANNEL 6
TV AND HOSTED BY KELLY KIRKLAND
OF CHANNEL 6's KELLY
AND CAROL SHOW."
YOU KNOW, I MUST SAY THAT
KELLY KIRKLAND IS A REAL TREASURE.
SHE'S SINCERE AND
CHARMING AND...
WELL, JUST ABOUT AS
LIKEABLE AS SUNSHINE.
(Frasier) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
ARE YOU OK? HUH?
WELL, OF COURSE, WHY?
OH, I WAS AFRAID WITH ALL THAT
SUCKING UP YOU MIGHT HAVE BURST A LUNG.
THAT'S VERY FUNNY, ROZ.
YOU SEE, KELLY'S LOOKING FOR A NEW
CO-HOST FOR THE PARADE THIS YEAR.
I WAS HOPING IT MIGHT BE ME.
YOU KNOW, I'VE WATCHED
THAT PARADE SINCE I WAS A CHILD
AND THIS IS MY CHANCE
TO BECOME A PART OF IT.
OH, I THOUGHT SHE DID THAT
PARADE WITH HER HUSBAND.
I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T HEARD.
YOU SEE, SHE'S DISCOVERED THAT
CAROL'S BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH HER CUE-CARD GIRL.
HOW'D SHE CATCH HIM?
DID SHE FIND A GIANT
LOVE LETTER IN HIS POCKET?
HEY, FRASIER, GUESS WHO?
MARY THOMAS, WELL, HELLO, MARY.
UH, ROZ, YOU REMEMBER MARY, SHE AND I
BRIEFLY CO-HOSTED MY SHOW LAST YEAR.
OF COURSE, I REMEMBER.
I LISTEN TO YOUR SHOW
ON K.E.Z.W. ALL THE TIME.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU SO
MUCH AND JUST FOR THAT,
HERE'S A COPY OF MY NEW BOOK.
AND FRASIER, HERE'S
ONE FOR YOU, TOO. OH.
"WARM BREAD FOR
THE SOUL BY DR. MARY."
I SEE YOU'RE STILL IDENTIFYING
YOURSELF AS A DOCTOR.
BUT NOW IT'S TRUE. YOU READ
THE INSIDE COVER. REALLY?
"DR. MARY HAS HEALED THOUSANDS
OF SEATTLE RADIO LISTENERS
"AND IS A SUMMA
CUM LAUDE GRADUATE
OF THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS."
YES.
WELL, MARY, I... I HATE TO QUIBBLE ABOUT
THINGS LIKE ACCREDITATION AND SUCH...
WHOA, IT'S LIKE THE AMERICAN
MEDICAL ASSOCIATION IN HERE!
SO, ISN'T THIS GREAT?
DR. MARY'S COMING BACK TO K.A.C.L.
OH, HEY, CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
OH, YES,
CONGRATULATIONS, INDEED.
I... I MUST HAVE
MISSED THAT MEMO.
YEAH, SHE WAS DOING SO GREAT IN
THE RATINGS WE HAD TO STEAL HER BACK.
NOW, I THOUGHT YOU DOCTORS
TOOK AN OATH NOT TO HURT ANYBODY.
YOU ARE KILLIN' US.
AREN'T YOU SWEET?
YOU GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.
[laughing]
UH, FRASIER, I HOPE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT WITH THIS.
I KNOW LAST TIME YOU WEREN'T SO
THRILLED ABOUT US WORKING TOGETHER.
OH, NO, THIS TIME WE'LL
HAVE SEPARATE SHOWS.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE
GONNA BE SHARING A MIKE.
WE WON'T BE SHARING
A MIKE, WILL WE?
OF COURSE NOT. WE'RE GIVING
MARY THE MORNING DRIVE SHIFT.
OH, WELL...
THE SHIFT WITH THE...
THE BIGGEST AUDIENCE
AND... AND THE
BEST DEMOGRAPHICS.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, I'LL BE
PROMOTING YOUR SHOW EVERY SINGLE DAY.
IS THIS WOMAN NOT GENEROUS?
GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.
NO, BABY, YOU ALREADY GOT
YOURS, BUT HERE'S A BOOK FOR YOU.
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO ALL. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[Mary laughing]
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?
OH. NILES. HEY.
I HOPE YOU HAD THE PRESENCE OF
MIND TO BRING PRESENTS OF MINE.
[Frasier laughing] I HAVEN'T HEARD
THAT LINE SINCE LAST YEAR.
AH, BUT THEN, CHRISTMAS IS
THE SEASON FOR CHESTNUTS.
AH, YES.
WHAT'S ALL THE FOOD FOR?
WELL, ACTUALLY, KELLY
KIRKLAND'S COMING OVER,
AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION.
YOU SEE, I'M DOING MY BEST TO
CHARM MY WAY INTO THAT PARADE JOB.
WHAT IS IT WITH YOU
AND THIS PARADE?
OH, NILES, DON'T YOU
REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS?
WE'D SIT ON THE COUCH
AND CRADLE OUR COCOAS
AND STAY UP LATE TO
WATCH OUR HOLIDAY HOSTS,
BOB VERNON AND
SERGEANT MICHELLE.
(both) THE TRAFFIC LADY.
OH, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT THEM IN YEARS.
YOU KNOW, TO ME, THAT WAS ALWAYS
THE OFFICIAL BEGINNING OF CHRISTMAS.
AND NOW THIS IS MY CHANCE TO USHER IN
THE SEASON FOR A WHOLE NEW GENERATION.
I LOVED SERGEANT MICHELLE.
YEAH.
TO THIS DAY, EVERY TIME I
CROSS AGAINST THE LIGHT,
I FEEL LIKE I'M
LETTING HER DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS
THAT FETID SMELL?
OH, OH, THAT'S THE FOOD.
I'M... I'M PREPARING DISHES THAT
HAVE BEEN FEATURED ON KELLY'S SHOW.
[oven bell dings] OH, LORD,
THAT'LL BE MY HOBO CASSEROLE.
HOBO. THAT'S THE SMELL.
HEY, NILES.
HELLO, DAPHNE.
SO, WHERE WE GOING
FOR DINNER TONIGHT?
OH, UH, WELL, IT'S YOUR PICK.
ALTHOUGH, WORD
ON THE STREET HAS IT
THAT CHEZ DU MONT HAS THE MOST
DELECTABLE HUDSON VALLEY FOIE GRAS.
OH, NILES, YOU'RE SPOILING ME.
ALL THIS RICH FOOD'S GONNA
START CATCHING UP WITH MY FIGURE.
OH, NOT YOU, MY LITTLE
HUMMINGBIRD, NEVER.
YOU'RE AS SWEET AS
A CHOCOLATE SOUFFLE.
LET'S GET SOME OF THOSE TONIGHT.
WELL, THAT'S IT.
I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE
STOCKPILED BALLANTINE'S
AS SOON AS THEY
STOPPED MAKING IT.
NOW, I CAN'T FIND A SINGLE CAN.
CHRISTMAS IS RUINED.
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT
MORE THAN BEER, MR. CRANE.
YEAH, AND THIS YEAR'S EXTRA SPECIAL
BECAUSE DAPHNE AND I ARE TOGETHER.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE. NO
MORE MEL, NO MARIS, NO LILITH.
MAYBE I WON'T NEED
BEER THIS CHRISTMAS.
[doorbell ringing]
THAT'S KELLY.
(Niles) OOH. SHOWTIME.
AW, KELLY. HI, FRASIER.
GOSH, YOU KNOW,
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
SINCE THE, THE "BROADCASTERS
AGAINST LITTER" MARCH.
I THINK WE REALLY
MADE A DIFFERENCE.
INDEED WE DID. NOW,
PLEASE, COME ON IN.
I'D LIKE YOU MEET MY BROTHER,
NILES, AND HIS GIRLFRIEND, DAPHNE.
HELLO.
DO I SMELL HOBO CASSEROLE?
YES.
CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT'S LIKE
YOU'RE UNDER A RAILROAD BRIDGE.
YES, OFF YOU GO.
SO, YOU KNOW ABOUT
HOBO CASSEROLE?
WELL, I MAKE IT ON MY SHOW.
YOU KNOW, I GET SO MANY OF
MY RECIPES FROM YOUR SHOW
THAT I'VE FORGOTTEN WHICH
ARE MINE AND WHICH ARE YOURS.
AH, NOW DON'T TELL ME
THAT'S POTATO CHIP SALAD.
UH-OH, THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
SO, YOU REALLY ARE A FAN
OF THE SHOW, HUH? GUILTY.
I ESPECIALLY ADMIRE YOUR
WORK ON THE CHRISTMAS PARADE.
YOU REALLY WANT THIS, DON'T YOU?
OH, GOSH, I DO. I REALLY
DO. I... I MUST ADMIT IT.
IN FACT, YOU KNOW, I'D BE WILLING
TO AUDITION FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.
OH, FRASIER, NOW
THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.
KELLY, KELLY,
PLEASE, I'D... I'D LIKE TO.
LISTEN, I EXAMINED
THE PARADE SCHEDULE
AND I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY
OF PREPARING A FEW AD-LIBS.
IF... IF YOU WOULD
INDULGE ME IN ONE OR TWO?
[laughing] OK.
ALL RIGHT.
"SAY, KELLY.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN 80 BEAVERS
MARCH IN PERFECT RHYTHM?"
"OH, FRASIER, EVERYONE
KNOWS BEAVERS CAN'T MARCH."
"OH, THEY CAN, WHEN THEY'RE
THE MARCHING BEAVERS
OF THE RIVERSIDE
HIGH SCHOOL BAND."
"HEY, YOU TRICKED ME."
"SORRY, KELLY, BUT HOW ABOUT
THOSE INCREDIBLE FORMATIONS?
THEY'RE SO PRECISE."
"WELL, THAT DOESN'T
SURPRISE ME, FRASE,
AFTER ALL, THE BEAVER IS
NATURE'S FIRST ENGINEER."
THAT'S NICE BANTER.
WELL, SEATTLE, THANK
YOU FOR YOUR CALLS.
[tapping]
SEATTLE, THANK
YOU FOR YOUR CALLS.
HEY, FRASIER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OVER THE CHRISTMAS WEEKEND?
WELL, ROZ, IF YOU INSIST
ON INTERROGATING ME,
I'LL BE CO-HOSTING THE SEATTLE
CHRISTMAS PARADE TOMORROW NIGHT...
[bells ringing]
ON CHANNEL 6 WITH THE LOVELY
AND TALENTED KELLY KIRKLAND.
I HOPE IT WILL BE THE BEGINNING
OF A NEW HOLIDAY TRADITION.
GOOD MENTAL HEALTH,
SEATTLE. SEE YOU AT THE PARADE.
[Frasier laughing]
HEY, DOC.
OH, SURE WISH YOU HADN'T
DONE THAT LITTLE PROMO.
WHY? KELLY TOLD
ME I HAD THE JOB.
HER WORD IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.
I KNEW I COULDN'T
TRUST THAT WOMAN.
AND AFTER I HAD HER TO MY
HOME FOR THAT HILLBILLY BUFFET.
SHE'S GOT FOOD POISONING.
SHE'LL BE LAID UP FOR DAYS.
OH, TOUGH BLOW.
BUT I'M NOTHING IF NOT A TEAM PLAYER,
YOU KNOW. I'LL DO THE PARADE MYSELF.
BOY, YOU REALLY KNOW HOW
TO LAND ON YOUR FEET, DOC.
BUT, UH, YOU'RE STILL GONNA
HAVE A CO-HOST. UH-HUH.
WELL, THERE'S
NOTHING OFFICIAL YET,
BUT A FEW NAMES
ARE FLOATIN' AROUND.
I'LL LET YOU KNOW
IF I HEAR ANYTHING.
WELL, ANYWAY, HAPPY
HOLIDAYS, DUKE. YEAH.
OH, WAIT! WAIT. I ALMOST FORGOT.
GUESS WHO'S HOSTING THE
CHRISTMAS PARADE TONIGHT?
[chuckling] OH, THAT'D BE SWEET.
NO, IT'S FRASIER.
OK, SEE YOU, DUKE.
WELL, DAD, HOW DO I LOOK?
WELL, A SMILE'D HELP.
OH, I KNOW,
IT'S JUST THAT THIS WHOLE MARY
THING'S GOT ME KIND OF UPSET.
YOU KNOW, THAT WOMAN
GREW UP IN SEATTLE,
SHE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN
THAT PARADE, IT'S A SACRILEGE.
MY GOD, YOU KNOW, THIS
EVENT, IT'S AN INSTITUTION.
IT CARRIES WITH IT A TRADITION
OF... OF PRIDE AND... AND PAGEANTRY
AND OLD-FASHIONED GOOD TIMES.
YOU KNOW,
THAT'S NOT BAD, I THINK
I MIGHT OPEN WITH IT.
HEY, FRASIER, GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.
OH, THANKS, NILES.
WE'LL BE WATCHING.
HEY, MAYBE YOU COULD
SAY HI TO US ON THE AIR.
OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DAPHNE, THIS IS
NOT SOME SORT OF A... A HOME MOVIE.
THIS EVENT CARRIES WITH IT A
TRADITION OF PRIDE, PAGEANTRY,
AND OLD-FASHIONED GOOD TIMES.
UH, NO, I DON'T LIKE IT.
[door closing]
MAYBE I'LL HEAT UP SOME
CIDER FOR THE PARADE.
OH, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. DAD?
I GUESS.
PARADE JUST WON'T BE THE
SAME WITHOUT BALLANTINE.
IS ANYTHING THE SAME TO
YOU WITHOUT BALLANTINE?
OH, SURE, LOTS OF STUFF.
NO, NOT REALLY.
DAD, I KNOW, CHRISTMAS
IS A FEW DAYS OFF
BUT DAPHNE AND I WERE WONDERING
IF IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA FOR YOU
TO OPEN ONE OF
YOUR PRESENTS EARLY.
OH, NO, THAT'D BE CHEATING.
NO OPENING PRESENTS
TILL CHRISTMAS MORNING.
ARE YOU SURE?
[laughing]
WELL, YOU... YOU KNOW, I
GUESS ONE WOULDN'T HURT.
BUT I'M NOT DOING THIS
BY MYSELF, THOUGH.
YOU TWO GOT TO
OPEN SOMETHIN', TOO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ONE WOULDN'T HURT. ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
OH, AND THAT'S YOURS. THANK YOU.
EVERYBODY GOT SOMETHING? YES.
ALL RIGHT, GOOD!
[laughing]
I KNEW IT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
JUST HOW'D YOU KEEP IT COLD?
I HID IT IN THE
VEGETABLE CRISPER.
I KNEW YOU'D NEVER LOOK THERE.
OH, NILES, THEY'RE
EXQUISITE. THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
AND YOU GOT ME...
OH...
[exclaiming]
BATTERIES!
THANK YOU.
OH, YOU OPENED
THE WRONG PACKAGE.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO OPEN THIS ONE.
NO, NO, I CAN'T OPEN
ANOTHER ONE, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF WE ALL OPENED
ONE MORE THAT'D MAKE IT EVEN.
SOUNDS FAIR.
ALL RIGHT, BUT THAT'S IT.
YES, NO MORE.
♪ [marching band playing]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SEATTLE.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE...
AND DR. MARY.
WELCOMING YOU TO THE 42ND
ANNUAL SEATTLE CHRISTMAS PARADE.
YES. FIRST OFF, WE WANNA WISH
KELLY KIRKLAND A
SPEEDY RECOVERY.
INDEED, AND MAY I SAY,
IT'S AN HONOR TO BE SITTING
HERE IN THE VERY CHAIRS
THAT WERE ONCE
OCCUPIED BY THE LEGENDARY
BOB VERNON AND HIS
CO-HOST SERGEANT MICHELLE,
THAT STARTED THIS
TRADITION SO MANY YEARS AGO.
AND HERE COMES OUR FIRST
FLOAT, FROSTY THE SNOWMAN.
[crowd cheering]
YOU KNOW, MARY,
HISTORICALLY SPEAKING,
THE FIRST FLOAT WAS
PROBABLY THE TROJAN HORSE,
WHICH WAS A GIFT TO
THE PEOPLE OF TROY.
ONCE BROUGHT INSIDE
THE CITY WALLS, HOWEVER,
THEY DISCOVERED IT WAS
FILLED WITH GREEK SOLDIERS,
WHO SLAUGHTERED THEIR
TROJAN ENEMIES IN THE STREET.
OF COURSE, MODERN FLOATS
HAVE COME A LONG WAY SINCE THEN.
WE HOPE.
WELL, THIS FLOAT
COMES TO US AS A GIFT
FROM SEATTLE'S SISTER
CITY, MANAGUA, NICARAGUA.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE THE
WAY THAT SOUNDS.
MANAGUA, NICARAGUA.
IT SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME
OF A FINE LATINO MAN.
[in man's voice] WOULD YOU
LIKE TO DANCE, DR. MARY?
YES, I WOULD, MANAGUA NICARAGUA.
SHAKE THAT CUTE LITTLE
COSTA RICA FOR ME.
FOR MORE INFORMATION,
HERE'S FLOAT REPORTER MIKE.
AND WE'RE CLEAR.
THIS IS FUN. ISN'T THIS FUN?
YES, YES, BUT YOU KNOW, MARY,
MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY, UH,
STICKING TO THE SCRIPT, HMM?
THE MORE WE IMPROVISE, THE
LESS PROFESSIONAL WE LOOK.
OH, OK, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
HEY, MARY, GREAT
AD-LIBBING. MORE OF THAT.
FRASIER, TRY TO LOOSEN
UP. WE'RE BACK IN 5.
(man) 4, 3, 2...
AS YOU CAN SEE, MARY, THIS ENORMOUS
STOCKING IS OVERSTUFFED WITH PRESENTS.
OOH, I'D LIKE TO TEAR INTO
ONE OF THOSE GIFTS RIGHT NOW.
(Frasier) WELL, NOT UNTIL
CHRISTMAS MORNING, MARY.
YOU KNOW, IN MY HOUSE, WE
DON'T EVEN SHAKE THE BOXES.
WE'RE GOING TO NEED
SOME WRAPPING PAPER.
THERE'S A COUPLE
OF ROLLS IN MY ROOM.
I'LL GET THE TAPE.
AND THIS IS THE FIFTH FLOAT SPONSORED
BY A LOCAL SOFTWARE COMPANY.
HEY, THOSE GUYS ON THAT GIANT
LAPTOP ARE THROWING CANDY CANES.
YES, MARY, AT 150 FEET,
IT CERTAINLY IS THE
LARGEST FLOAT IN THE PARADE.
HEY, THROW SOME OF THOSE
CANDY CANES OVER HERE!
COME ON, COME ON, PUT SOME
MUSCLE INTO IT, YOU NERDS!
OH, COME, MARY, LET'S
NOT DISPARAGE THE GOOD...
[laughing] OW!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD
TIME FOR A BREAK.
BUT WE HAVE AN EXCITING
SURPRISE COMING UP.
A SPECIAL MYSTERY GUEST.
IT'S SANTA!
[screaming]
[crowd cheering]
THANK YOU, MARY.
AND, WE'RE CLEAR.
♪ [band playing]
I THINK I'M GONNA
GO GET SOME AIR.
BUT WE'RE OUTSIDE.
I'M GONNA STRETCH MY LEGS.
HEY, FRASIER, THANKS FOR THE
TICKETS. ALICE IS HAVING A GREAT TIME.
WELL, I'M GLAD SOMEBODY IS.
MARY IS RUINING MY PARADE.
DO YOU KNOW... THIS HAS BEEN CALLED
"NICE BANTER" BY A TOP PARADE PROFESSIONAL.
DOES ANYBODY GET TO HEAR IT? NO.
INSTEAD, MARY JUST
PRATTLES ON ENDLESSLY
AS IF EVERY IDEA THAT POPS INTO
HER HEAD IS WORTH SAYING OUT LOUD.
SHE IS TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE.
NOW, SANTA'S COMING UP AND
I'VE PREPARED A REALLY CUTE BIT,
AND I KNOW SHE'S
GONNA RUIN THAT, TOO.
LOOK, IF YOU TELL HER HOW
IMPORTANT IT IS, I'M SURE SHE'LL BACK OFF.
SHE'S A REASONABLE PERSON.
(man) 15 SECONDS.
GOOD LUCK. THANKS.
MARY, LISTEN, I'VE LET YOU HAVE FREE
REIN OVER THE PARADE THIS EVENING.
COULD I PLEASE DO THE
SANTA INTERVIEW MYSELF?
OH, OF COURSE, OF
COURSE. THANK YOU. THANKS.
(man) AND CUE. AND WE'RE BACK.
I SEE SOMEONE SPECIAL
GETTING OFF HIS SLEIGH.
[crowd cheering]
HO-HO, HO-HO-HO.
HO-HO-HO.
WELL, HELLO, YOUNG MAN.
SOME CALL HIM ST. NICK,
OTHERS KRIS KRINGLE.
IN HOLLAND, HE'S
AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN...
(Santa) OH, YOU
MUST BE DR. MARY.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN
MEANING TO CALL YOUR SHOW.
MY ELVES ALWAYS SEEM TO GET A
LITTLE BLUE WHEN THE WORK IS DONE,
AND, WELL, I THOUGHT,
MAYBE YOU COULD HELP.
[laughing] OH, SANTA.
SANTA, I'VE GOT SOME
QUESTIONS OVER HERE FOR YOU.
WELL, LET'S ALL SEE IF WE CAN PUT OUR
HEADS TOGETHER AND COME UP WITH A SOLUTION.
(Santa) OH, HO-HO-HO.
KIDS, DO YOU THINK THAT DR. MARY
CAN HELP SANTA TO CHEER UP HIS ELVES?
[crowd cheering]
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE THEM SOME CANDY?
OH, NOW THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
NO, THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.
YOUR ELVES ARE PROBABLY SUFFERING
FROM SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER.
NOW, LOADING THEM UP WITH SWEETS
WILL ONLY AGGRAVATE THE PROBLEM.
BUT MARY'S RIGHT.
KIDS LOVE CANDY.
[crowd cheering]
BUT ELVES ARE NOT
KIDS, THEY'RE TINY MEN.
YES...
WELL, IF YOU WANT MY OPINION...
NO, THANK YOU, MARY.
WE'VE BEEN LISTENING TO
YOUR OPINIONS ALL NIGHT,
AND FRANKLY THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ROOM
LEFT IN OUR HEADS FOR ANOTHER ONE,
[groaning] NOW IF YOU WOULD
JUST GET BACK TO THE DAIS...
I'M SO SORRY. WHAT THE
HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LOOK, I'M BLEEDING,
I'M BLEEDING.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I... I'M FEELING DIZZY.
OH, OH.
CUT TO TAPE. I DON'T CARE
WHAT TAPE, FIND SOMETHING.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU ATTACKED SANTA CLAUS.
LOOK, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
WASN'T IT, MARY? YOU SAW IT.
OH, NOW YOU WANT MY OPINION.
HONEY, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
HELLO, MARY.
HELLO.
ANY WORD ON SANTA?
OH, HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
THEY GAVE HIM A COAGULANT.
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR
THE WAY I ACTED TOWARD YOU.
IT WAS RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL.
WELL, WHAT DID I DO TO
MAKE YOU TREAT ME THAT WAY?
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT DOING THIS
PARADE HAS BEEN A... A DREAM OF MINE
AND IT FELT LIKE YOU WERE
TAKING THAT AWAY FROM ME.
OH, WHAT DO YOU
MEAN? WE'RE A TEAM.
OH, YEAH.
I WAS THE BORING, STIFF GUY AND
YOU WERE THE ONE EVERYBODY LOVED.
OH, COME ON, NOW.
NO, IT'S TRUE, MARY.
THIS TOWN HAS TAKEN YOU INTO ITS HEART
IN A WAY THAT THEY NEVER HAVE WITH ME.
I GUESS I'M A LITTLE
JEALOUS OF THAT.
OH, FRASIER, IF IT
HELPS, I FORGIVE YOU.
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
WHEN YOU'RE NOT TRYING SO HARD,
YOU'RE ACTUALLY KINDA
LOVABLE YOURSELF.
REALLY?
WOULD I BE OVERSTEPPING
MY BOUNDS IF I WERE TO ASK FOR
SOME SUGAR RIGHT NOW?
[both laughing]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRASIER.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MARY.
WELL, I'M GONNA GET
ON OUT OF HERE NOW.
RIGHT, RIGHT, YOU KNOW, I'D
OFFER TO WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR,
BUT THERE ARE STILL SOME
ANGRY PARENTS IN THE PARKING LOT.
OH, OK.
BYE-BYE.
(man) EXCUSE ME.
YOU CAN JUST SWEEP AROUND ME.
UM, NO, I WANNA
INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M BOB VERNON.
BO... BOB VERNON?
THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, IT'S AN HONOR, SIR.
THANK YOU.
SAY, YOU DIDN'T...
YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE
PARADE THIS EVENING, DID YOU?
WELL, I TURNED IT OFF
WHEN THE SMELLING SALTS
STARTED MAKING SANTA NAUSEOUS.
YOU KNOW, FRASIER,
I GOT OFF TO A RATHER ROUGH
START ON THIS PARADE MYSELF.
YOU DID? HMM. OH, YES.
NOW SERGEANT MICHELLE AND I HAD
ABSOLUTELY NO RAPPORT THAT FIRST YEAR.
NO. NOW, FRANKLY,
SHE GOT ON MY NERVES.
YOU KNOW SHE WASN'T
A REAL SERGEANT.
NO!
LISTEN, SON,
TRY TO LIGHTEN UP ON YOURSELF.
YOU DID SOME REAL NICE
WORK OUT THERE TODAY.
THANKS.
GOOD LUCK.
SAY, MR. VERNON?
YEAH?
IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT
YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN
ME IN A LITTLE BANTER?
IT WOULD BE AN HONOR.
[clearing throat] UH, THERE.
RIGHT HERE.
[clearing throat]
SAY, BOB,
"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN 80 BEAVERS
MARCH IN PERFECT RHYTHM?"
"FRASIER, EVERYONE KNOWS
BEAVERS CAN'T MARCH."
"THEY CAN, WHEN THEY'RE
THE MARCHING BEAVERS
OF THE RIVERSIDE HIGH
SCHOOL MARCHING BAND"
"WHOA, YOU TRICKED ME."
"SORRY, BOB, BUT HOW
ABOUT THOSE INCREDIBLE..."
(Frasier) ♪ HEY, BABY, I
HEAR THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪
♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
QUITE STYLISH.
♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪
♪ YEAH, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED ♪
[laughing]
♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪
♪ WITH THOSE TOSSED
SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪
SCRAMBLED EGGS ALL OVER MY FACE.
WHAT IS A BOY TO DO?
FRASIER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.