Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 7 - The New Friend - full transcript

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Niles! You're 40 minutes late.

I've just finished
my third basket of bread,

and there is an angry mob
breathing down my neck.

Oh.

You've torn your trouser cuff.
I'm so sorry.

For God's sakes, will you hurry up?

More hemming, less hawing.
All right.

I'll hold our table.

Roz. Roz Doyle.



I'll be right back.

- Hi, Frasier. I'm on a date.
- Hi, Roz.

- Please don't screw it up.
- No, I won't.

Niles is running a little late,
and I was just hoping

maybe I could join you
while I wait for him.

I really don't think so.

- It's kind of a romantic evening.
- This crowd is starting to get ugly.

Would you let me come over there
till Niles gets here?

- Oh, all right, come on.
- Thank you.

- Hi.
- Luke Parker, Frasier Crane.

- He's joining us for a quick drink.
- Great, I've heard your show.

- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, likewise.

So, uh, well, uh,
how did you two kids meet?

I moved to Seattle a month ago.



I live on a boat,
and as I was pulling into the slip,

Roz was standing right there
on the dock.

Right there on the dock, you say?
Well, hmm...

- I do live next to the marina.
- Ah, yes, yes, yes.

- So, Luke, you're a boat enthusiast?
- Do you know anything about boats?

Well, actually, on my show, I
sometimes compare the human psyche

to a sailboat that's borne along
the surface of the conscious mind

while the deeper waters of
the subconscious navigate the rudder.

- So I guess the answer would be no.
- Yes.

[BEEPER BEEPING]

Oh, my babysitter.
I'll be right back.

FRASIER: Right, right.
ROZ: Excuse me.

Of course.

Ah...

- So.
- So.

You know, uh, actually, I'm not
a total stranger to the old H2O.

- I did row crew at Harvard.
- I went to Harvard.

Ah, Harvard. Mm, God,
those were the best years of my life.

There's nothing like
that sense of accomplishment you get

when they actually
hand you that diploma, is there?

I dropped out.

Ah.

Well, you didn't miss much.

I just got frustrated reading
about other people's experiences

and never having any of my own.

So I dropped out, I built my own boat,
and I sailed around the world.

Yeah, sometimes there's
more adventure than I bargained for.

Like, uh, 20-foot seas
off the Hebrides

or, uh, the time pirates rammed
my boat and robbed me at gunpoint.

Oh, yeah,
those guys can be pretty rough.

- You've had experience with pirates?
- Oh, no. No, no, it's just

I saw a special once on 60 Minutes.

You know, you should really
write down some of these stories.

I've thought about it,
but I'm not much of a writer.

Don't let that stop you. All you gotta do
is get it down on paper, sort it out later.

You know,
I'd be happy to lend a critical eye.

- Thanks. Might take you up on that.
- Okay.

I have to go.
Alice got a bead stuck up her nose.

FRASIER:
Oh, Lord.

There's gotta be some way
to baby-proof her nostrils.

I'm sorry, Luke, we have to go.

You know, I could drop him off.

- Well, Frasier, that's very nice, but...
- No, no, it's fine.

You go take care of Alice
and I'll hang out with Frasier.

Don't you have to meet Niles?

Oh, he's had a tailoring emergency.
It could be hours.

- Well, I'll call you tomorrow, Luke.
- Okay.

ROZ: Bye.
- Bye, Roz.

He thinks I'm 31,
and I was in a Whitesnake video.

- Hi, Dad, welcome home.
- Oh, Fras, didn't hear you come in.

- How was the fishing trip?
- It was great.

The worst day of fishing
beats the best day of working.

Well, now that you've proven it, can
we take the sign out of the bathroom?

Oh, uh, Fras, you had
a phone call a little while ago.

Uh, some guy by the name
of Lou or maybe...

- Luke?
- Yeah, Luke, that's it.

Yeah, said he'd call back later.

Real friendly guy. Who is he?

Roz's new boyfriend.
They're getting quite serious.

- And he and I have hit it off as well.
- Oh, that's great.

Actually, it is.

With Niles spending more time
with Daphne,

I don't have anybody
to pal around with.

And, you know,
he's a really interesting guy.

He sails around the world
locating shipwrecks

- and salvaging treasure.
- Oh.

Yeah, he tells
some incredible stories.

You know, it's refreshing really.
Usually, I'm the cool friend.

- Sounds a little freewheeling for you.
- Oh, really?

Well, he's planning to salvage
a French trader

off the coast of British Columbia next,
and he's invited me along.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Should be fun. You need a Dramamine
patch just to get into the bathtub.

- Ah, Niles.
- Hello.

Behold,
the prodigal pup returneth.

Oh, look who's here.
Come on, boy.

Come on. There you go.
Oh, yeah.

Thanks for taking care of him
while I was gone, Niles.

- You're quite welcome.
- It was very thoughtful of you.

Unlike some people I know.

It was absolutely essential
that I have my floors refinished,

thanks to Edward Scissorpaws there.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Oh, thank you, Niles.
- You're welcome.

Hello. Yes, this is Frasier Crane.

What? I never touched your wife.

Never! Good Lord,
I've never even heard of...

Oh, Luke.
Oh, God, you got me again.

God. You know, that's six to one.
I did so get one.

- Hey, Niles.
- Hello, my love.

Oh, I'm sorry, I must look a mess.
I've been cleaning fish all afternoon.

Oh, please, your beauty
cannot be obscured

by mere entrails or scales or...

Is that an eye?

- I'll go wash up.
- Oh, if you like.

Hope Eddie wasn't a lot of trouble.

Please, Dad,
he was the perfect houseguest.

Give me the details. Did he eat?

Oh, like a horse.

- Slept well?
- Like a log.

- Was he regular?
- We're done here, Dad.

Just to let you know,
I really appreciate what you did for me.

Please, it was my pleasure.
I'm really gonna miss the little guy.

- We actually started to bond.
- Oh, that's great. Oh.

What's this tag?

Oh, uh... That's nothing. That's, uh...
They put that on at the park.

Bark Avenue? That's a kennel.

You dumped him off at a kennel?

No, no, Dad, actually,
it's more of a spa than a kennel.

I trusted you with Eddie
and you betrayed that trust.

Why'd you do it, son?

NILES:
Well, Dad,

it took Italian artisans three weeks
to stain my Venetian umbrella stand,

and it took Eddie about 20 seconds.

If I wanted him in a kennel,
I would've put him in one myself.

- Well, Dad, I'm sorry.
- Well, so am I.

Come on, Eddie,
I'll give you a bath.

Who knows what you picked up
in that flea-trap.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, it was a lot nicer than that place
you made us stay at Yellowstone.

- Oh, hi, Roz.
- I need a drink and I need it fast.

I'll get the sherry.

Don't waste your time.
I've got grown-up problems.

Ah, the 25-year-old Glenfarclas.

Excellent choice. No sense
going for the 12-year-old stuff.

- Luke's a slimebag.
- Oh, what happened?

I saw him sitting in a caf?
with his arms around some blond.

They were all over each other.
I told him off. We're through.

I'm so sorry, Roz.
Come here. Oh...

- I really liked him.
- I know.

- I thought he liked me.
- Yes.

I just got off the phone with him
and he didn't even mention it.

He can't think I'd be his friend
after he treated you this way.

Well, I'm really glad
to hear you say that.

- I mean, you were my friend first.
- Yes, of course.

Oh, come on, I'll get you through this.
Come on.

[ROZ SNIFFS]

Thank you, Frasier.

You know what?
I'm feeling better already.

Oh, maybe I don't even need that.

[FRASIER GASPS]

Frasier.

- What are you doing?
- Uh...

I was just returning your
Chapman's Nautical Guide there. Uh...

- I just wanted to drop it off, actually.
- Without saying hello?

Well, I had a talk with Roz.

Oh, I see.

Well, look, if it makes any difference,
that woman was an old girlfriend.

She came to town,
invited me to lunch,

we ordered martinis,
and the next thing you know,

she was all over me.

- You know how it is.
- Of course, I mean...

But, uh... Roz is my friend.

Take care.

- You too, Frasier.
- Okay.

By the way,
thanks for your advice.

I, uh... I started writing down

- some of those stories.
- Oh.

I wrote the one about the pirates
and the South American one.

Don't forget the one
about the giant squid.

That was just a joke.

[LAUGHING]

Gosh, you did it again, didn't you?

Oh, you know,
I'm gonna miss that.

Ah...

- See you around.
- Okay.

Say, Luke, uh, you know,
here's a tip:

You might try writing
in the present tense.

It has a way of giving things
a sense of urgency.

That's great. I'll try it.

If you hadn't been so thoughtless,

we'd be heading for that sushi bar
and be reviewing those notes.

Yeah?
Maybe that waitress would be there.

- I think she likes you.
- Oh, she does not.

- You know what's ironic?
- Mm?

If I had met you separately from Roz,
this wouldn't even be an issue.

No, it wouldn't.

And you know, truth be told,
when you think about it,

I mean, our friendship does exist
independently of her.

That's true. I mean,
if you take Roz out of the equation,

- does our friendship disappear?
- It shouldn't.

Of course, for Roz's sake, we'd
have to keep this between ourselves.

- No need to rub it in her face.
- Oh, agreed.

But, for the record,
I do not condone your behaviour.

I wouldn't expect you to.

I hope they haven't run out
of yellowtail.

[FRASIER CHUCKLES]

FRASIER:
Here...

ROZ: Thanks for dragging me
out of the house.

It's been a rough week,
it helps to have a friend.

Yeah. Heh-heh-heh.

Roz, trust me,
you will eventually get over Luke.

Well, he's not having any trouble
getting over me.

I saw him leaving his boat last night
with someone.

Really? Did you, uh...?

- Did you get a good look at them?
- Only from behind, some fat chick.

Fat? Well, it was
kind of cold out last night.

- There may have been layers involved.
- Yeah, layers of fat.

Frasier, it's getting so late.
I should go.

- Oh, uh, right, okay.
- Thanks for listening.

Well, of course, Roz.

If you ever see me falling for some
creep like that again, smack me.

Don't give it another thought.
You know what? He's not worth it.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Luke? It's Fras.

Yeah. Uh, listen, I'm free,
and I thought maybe I'd swing by.

We can, uh, go over
and catch Marsalis at the jazz caf?.

Yeah, because thar he blows.

[LAUGHS]

No, no, it just came to me. Yeah.

All right, Luke, I'll see you soon. Bye.

Some friend you are.

How can you be with that rutting pig
after what he did?

I don't see what's so wrong about
being friends with Roz's ex-boyfriend.

If there's nothing wrong with it,
why are you hiding it from Roz?

Well, because I, um... Uh...

Dad, a man has a right
to choose his own friends, doesn't he?

Sure. Of course,
I think you're a rotten Judas

for stabbing Roz in the back
this way.

Did you hear that? He said sure.

[CHATTERING]

Guess what I have?

Two tickets
to the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra.

The Orpheus?

Niles, nobody handles Handel
like they handle Handel.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

But wouldn't you
rather take Daphne?

Oh, she wouldn't enjoy it.
I took her to the opera last week.

Halfway through Das Rheingold
she fell asleep.

- Astonishing.
- Yes, well, it gets worse.

She snorted in her sleep,
and startled Wotan,

causing him to drop his spear
on an unsuspecting gnome.

Oh.

So are you free tonight?

Gosh, Niles, I'm sorry.
I've got plans with Luke.

Oh, yes, your much-ballyhooed
new best friend.

- Is that who the gift is for?
- No, no, this is for Roz.

Oh, a guilt offering.

I suppose there's some truth to that.
You know, frankly, I'm torn.

Part of me thinks I should tell her,
but I just know it would devastate her.

She's a broken woman.

I'm glad
I bumped into you yesterday.

And twice this morning.

[ROZ GIGGLES]

- Buy you coffee?
- Sure.

[ROZ GASPS]

Oh, my God,
Frasier's in there.

He can't see us. I don't want him
to know we're back together.

- I don't think...
- You don't know him.

He's been very supportive,
and if he sees us together again,

he'll just think I'm weak.

Which I am.

ROZ:
Mm.

- Come on, there are no pirates.
- Sure there are.

Luke was pillaged.

That is so cool.

[CHUCKLING]

- Hi, guys.
- Oh, hi, Roz.

- Uh...
- Hey, Roz.

I have a little something
here for you.

- For me?
- Yes.

- What's the occasion?
- Why do I need an occasion, Roz?

It's trying to show a friend
I'm thinking of her in her time of crisis.

Oh, Frasier,
I don't deserve your friendship.

No, I do not deserve
your friendship.

I deserve my own table.
Excuse me.

[FRASIER
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

You know what?

- I'll take you out to dinner tonight.
- Tonight?

Yes, you've been so great
about this whole Luke thing.

I mean, the least I could do
is buy you a meal.

Well, all right, Roz, I accept.
Um, would you excuse me?

Sure.

Luke-o. F-man.

Yeah, listen, um,
something's come up tonight,

and, uh, I won't be able to make it,
all right? Great. Bye.

[FRASIER CHUCKLES]

Roz, where would you like
to go tonight?

Chez Henri has the most splendid
oxtail terrine.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

ROZ:
Excuse me.

Hello? Oh, hi.

- Just a sec. I really need to take this.
- Of course.

Hi, Luke.

Oh, damn. I just made plans.

Well, if you put it that way,
how can I say no?

I'll see you at 8. Okay.

Bad news, Frasier.

My babysitter is all booked up,
so can we rearrange dinner?

What a shame. Excuse me.

Yeah, Luke, it's Fras again.

Listen, my plans just got cancelled,
and I was thinking maybe we could...

Oh, really?
Well, that was kind of quick, wasn't it?

Well, no problem.

All right, yeah,
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

Frasier, this is the bracelet
I wanted.

Yes, I remembered.

- Oh, you're such a good friend.
- Here.

So caring and thoughtful

and loyal.

I gotta make a phone call.
I'll be right back.

Luke, it's Roz again. Bad news.

Oh, Niles, as it turns out
I am available for that concert tonight.

No, you're not.

[FOOTSTEPS]

DAPHNE:
Going out with Luke, I suppose.

As a matter of fact,
I'm having dinner with Roz.

And I will have a clear conscience

because first, I am going to stop by
Luke's and end our friendship.

Well, I guess our little chat
had an impact.

So it did.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Lmagine that,
me giving advice to a psychiatrist.

Maybe I should be on the radio
and you should do the laundry.

Yes, what a merry time of misrule
that would be.

- Hello.
- Oh, Niles. What are you doing here?

Well, I'm taking Daphne
to the concert.

Yes, he said he'd rather go with me
than anyone else.

Indeed. Well, sweet dreams.

Hey, sweetie.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- This is for you.
- Oh, truffles.

- My favourite.
- Ha-ha-ha.

You are so sweet.
You say that about everything I bring.

- Oh, Daph, you look great.
- Thanks.

Niles.

Dad, I know you're still peeved
about me taking Eddie to the spa.

Kennel.

Anyway,
I brought a little peace offering.

Bribe.

Dad,
it's from Smoky Mountain Farms.

Five different meats in one big box.

Not the Slaughterhouse Five.

They don't make
a Slaughterhouse Three.

Oh.

Dad, I'm so sorry.

Oh, well, I was disappointed, but...

I don't want you to think you can't trust
me. I will never let you down again.

Well, thanks, Niles.
Listen, I'm taking Eddie out for a walk.

Why don't you come along?
We can shoot the breeze.

Oh, uh...

Oh, go on. I need
a few more minutes to get ready.

Well, uh...

- Once around the block.
- All right. Come on, Eddie.

DAPHNE:
Take your time.

Dad, thanks
for not holding a grudge.

I know how much
Eddie means to you.

Oh, I forgot my jacket.
Here, hold onto this.

- Put the leash on him, be right back.
- Okay. All right, all right.

Here you go.

Oh, uh, it's all right.
I'm waiting for someone.

Oh.

Stop, stop, stop.

[GASPING]

Thank you, thank you.
It's okay. It's okay.

All right. It's okay.
It's all right. Right.

Okay. Okay.

Come on, slowpoke.

Luke? Surprise, it's Roz.

Luke? Luke, are you home?

I got an hour to kill before dinner.

LUKE:
Come onboard. I'll pour you a drink.

WOMAN: You really live here?
I think boats are so sexy.

- Aah!
- Hello, Roz.

- What are you doing here?
- Well, I stopped by to see Luke.

I heard you coming,
and I came inside here.

LUKE: Watch your step.
- Shove over.

After everything he did to me,

you stayed friends with him,
didn't you?

You started seeing him again
without telling me.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

You have the most incredible eyes.

That bastard! He told me
I had the most incredible eyes.

Roz, Roz,
we can't let him know we're here.

WOMAN: What are all these pages?
LUKE: I'm writing a book.

But I'm having a little trouble.
Maybe you could be my inspiration.

That bastard!
He told me I was his inspiration.

We may as well
make ourselves comfortable.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

I guess I should have told you
we got back together.

No, I should apologise, actually.

After the way he treated you,

I shouldn't have been
hanging around with him.

You liked him.

Truth be told,
I don't really make friends very often.

In fact, the last true friend I made
was you.

- Oh, yuck.
- Too much?

No, I'm sitting in something wet.

- Well, just get up.
- I can't, I'm caught in something.

Here, all right,
let me give you a hand.

ROZ:
Oh.

[HISSING]

ROZ:
Oh...

You've got a lot of explaining to do.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]