Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 6 - Legal Tender Love and Care - full transcript

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

Oh, Dad,
you're gonna have to clear out.

Daphne and l
are meeting with my lawyer.

Why go with that high-priced lady
instead of the guy l recommended?

Please. Donny is suing me
for emotional distress.

Your guy wanted me to limp into court
wearing a neck brace

and claiming not to speak English.

Hey, you don't keep an office
in the mall for 1 2 years

without knowing a few tricks.

- Hi, Niles.
- Frasier, l'm sorry l'm late.

- ls Abby here yet?
- No, she's on her way.



These lawsuits have me so rattled.

You know me, Frasier.
Normally l'm unflappable.

Niles, if you flapped any more

we'd have to lower you to half-mast
on Veterans Day.

Sherry, anyone?

FRASlER: Yes, please.
- Oh, yes, please.

l know how Niles feels.

l'm a nervous wreck
about that deposition tomorrow.

First time l'm seeing Donny since
our wedding and he's gonna grill me.

Once Abby preps you,
you'll have nothing to worry about.

l don't understand you guys.

lnstead of you each hiring
expensive lawyers,

why don't you just settle?

Because we didn't do
anything wrong, Dad.



Daphne changed her mind
about getting married.

Donny is entitled to his pain,
he is not entitled to sue everyone.

You guys are nuts.
Donny's a pit bull.

Why don't you come up
with some cash,

put it on a stick,
and shove it into his cage?

Oh, yes. Thank you, Dad.

Don't even try to get the stick back.
Just run.

You know,
Dad's fears notwithstanding,

l have every confidence in Abby
and her litigious prowess.

Yes, we've all seen you
admiring her prowess.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

l'm sure l have no idea
what you're talking about.

- Oh, hi, Abby. Come on in.
- Hello.

- You know Niles and Daphne.
ABBY: Yes, hello, Daphne, Niles.

- Let me take your coat.
- Thank you.

Oh, my.

That suit is very becoming on you.
ls it new?

Yes, it is.
And thank you for noticing, Frasier.

Oh, no.
Thank you for being so noticeable.

- Do l sound like that?
- Yeah, but it's cute when you do it.

Please, make yourself comfortable.

Well, we're anxious to hear
your battle plan.

We realise it's gonna be tough,
but we're ready.

Donny's dropped the lawsuits.

- What?
- When did this happen?

He just called me now.

l took the liberty of calling your lawyer
to let him know the good news too.

- Thank you.
- So, what happens now?

Well, nothing. lt's over.
Congratulations.

l can't believe it.

Did Donny say why
he's dropping the case?

No, he did not, but we could call
and ask him if you'd like.

- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no, that's not necessary.

l think l know why
he dropped the case.

Because l have the finest lawyer
in all of Seattle.

NlLES: Hear, hear.
- Thank you for a job well done.

My pleasure. Congratulations.

- Oh, thank you, Abby.
- Congratulations.

You're welcome, Daphne.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Niles.

- Thanks.
- Absolutely.

All right. Uh! You again.

[ABBY LAUGHS]

l was actually looking forward
to getting a shot at Donny in court.

But for your sake,
l'm glad things ended this way.

Yes, well, there's no reason
this has to be goodbye.

l think a celebratory dinner
is in order.

Give me a call and we'll see
when all of us can get together.

Yes, yes, all of us.

Yes, well, our schedules
are really rather complicated.

We're rarely available together.

- l'm open.
- Any time's good for me.

Well, then, dinner it is.

Great. l hate to rush off,
but l have a mountain of paperwork.

Well, let me walk you to the elevator.

ABBY:
All right. That's very sweet, Frasier.

Thank you for escorting me.

Oh, thank you
for being so escortable.

DAPHNE: Bye.
- Goodbye, all.

NlLES:
Congratulations again.

Abby, l just wanted to say

how pleasurable it's been
getting to know you.

The pleasure has been all mine.

You know, l'd hate to see
my relationship with you end right now.

l was just thinking--

lf you're gonna ask me out,
you'd better hurry.

- Will you go out with me?
- Yes.

FRASlER: Oh, hello.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Roz.
- Come on in. l'll get you situated.

Thanks for letting me
tape your CDs.

Since when do you two
have the same taste in music?

lt's for Alice. l read an article
that said listening to classical music

makes toddlers smarter.

Something about making their brain
bigger or wider. l don't know.

l believe the word you're looking
for is ''smartified.''

Oh, yeah? Well, guess
which word l'm looking for now.

Actually, l have the perfect piece
to start Alice off with.

lt's Beethoven's
''Sonata in C Sharp Minor.''

Now, l've laid out CDs here
that will be appropriate.

l'm sorry l don't have the time
to put together a programme for you.

But actually, Dad and l have our
celebratory dinner tonight with Abby.

Dad, you know, actually,
you should get ready to go.

- l thought l was ready.
- Think tie.

l'm way ahead of you.

Hey, you've been spending
a lot of time

''celebrating'' with this lawyer.

Oh, yes, yes. Well, actually,
we've been out a couple of times.

l'm really rather taken with her.
She has a very playful side.

She took me miniature golfing
last night.

Oh, sure, when she takes you,
it's playful.

When l take you,
it ends up as a short story

in the high school literary magazine.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

Dad, please.
''Through the Clown's Mouth Darkly''

took second
in the all-city fiction contest that year.

- Hello.
- Hello, Niles.

Oh, Frasier, these are for you.
Your doorman gave them to me.

Apparently your mail
went to the wrong box.

- And these are for you, my love.
- Niles. You're spoiling me.

l picked them myself.

Oh, Niles. Cookies.

- Sweets for my sweet.
- Let's go put these in some milk.

Hey, l was just going to say that.

- No you weren't.
- l was, l swear.

Okay, this is getting spooky.

Well.

What is it?

l just opened Abby's bill.

Seems awfully high.

l guess this must be the going rate.
lt's just that...

Whoa.

l mean, l think Abby
is certainly worth every penny.

Well, she better be,

because Daphne's lawyer
only charged half this much.

Well, that doesn't seem right,
does it?

l mean,
they did the same amount of work.

Come on, Fras.
Abby isn't the first lawyer to pad a bill.

Well, maybe not, but, you know,
Abby is not that kind of lawyer.

What world are you living in?
They're all that kind of lawyer.

l admit $4000 does seem rather high
for phone consultations.

Who the hell's she talking to?

All her friends. Bragging about
the new sucker she's got on the hook.

[LAUGHlNG]

This restaurant has
a wonderful Roquefort ravioli.

l kind of had my heart set on lobster.
Come and help me pick one out.

l was just getting up to do that.

- No, you weren't.
- l was too.

DAPHNE: Spooky.
NlLES: Spooky.

So, Abby, did you happen to get

- any interesting e-mails today?
- Yes, l did,

but none that l feel comfortable
discussing in front of your father.

Hey, Abby, you'll like this one.
We used to tell it in the precinct.

How many lawyers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

l don't know. Depends on
how many cops planted it there.

Thrust and parry, Dad.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Excuse me.

Abby Michaels. Hold on.
lt's a client.

Starting the meter, huh?

l've already filed that motion.
lt's up to them now.

No, no.
l don't think that they would try that.

But if you like, l could call them.

Or better yet, l'll send them a letter
just so we're on the record.

Okay. Bye now.

Sorry. Where were we?

- Aren't you forgetting something?
- Goodness, you're right.

lt's getting very late and
l haven't even looked at the menu yet.

Nice choices.
What are you guys having?

Well, l'm pretty sure
someone's getting scrod.

So how were the lobsters?

They were too cute to eat.
l'm having the veal.

Well, l propose a toast.
To frivolous lawsuits

and the wonderful, charming clients
they bring together.

Oh, well, hear, hear.

Abby, l'm sorry to spoil the mood.
lt's just that your client...

Oh, right.
Thanks for reminding me.

Oh, l don't believe it.
Donny just walked in.

- l said, don't look.
- You did not.

Can you imagine anything more
embarrassing than seeing us here?

- Your menu's on fire.
- Well, that would be embarrassing--

- Put it out! Put it out!
- No, not with the Dom P?rignon!

NlLES: Careful, careful.
FRASlER: Watch it.

- Oh, heavens.
- Oh, there.

FRASlER:
Well, thank God. All right, well...

Hi, guys. Hi.

- Hi, Donny.
- Oh, hey.

- Daphne.
- Hello, Donny.

- Niles.
- Hello, Donny.

l realise you guys
must be celebrating,

but do you have to start a bonfire?

- Oh, we're not celebrating.
- He thinks we're celebrating.

l know this is a little awkward,
but l understand, don't worry.

ln fact,
l'm celebrating something myself.

- Did you win a big case, Donny?
- No.

l got engaged.

Really? Well, boy, that's good news.

Yes. Yes, it certainly is.

Thank you.
ln fact, she's sitting right over there.

Wave, Nancy, wave.
Show them the rock, honey.

FRASlER: Oh, very nice.
MARTlN: lt's lovely.

lt's a big one.

- Congratulations, Donny.
DONNY: Thank you.

l was representing her in her divorce,
and we realised

that we were perfect for each other.

And you know, l know it's very sudden,
but that's fate for you.

Yes, well, good luck to you both.

Thank you, thank you.
l should get back to my sweetie.

You guys should enjoy your dinner.

lncidentally, the fire exits
are located there and there.

- Good one.
- lt's sort of funny.

Boy, that was weird.

Now we know
why he dropped the lawsuit.

- Yes, he's in love.
- Or on the rebound.

Well, either way,
it's good news for all of you.

Let's order
another bottle of champagne.

And by the way, dinner is on me.
Or rather, the firm.

Oh, no, no,
l couldn't let you do that, Abby.

l wanted to pay for dinner.

Don't worry. You are.

NlLES: Oh, Frasier,
l was just coming up to see you.

FRASlER:
Oh, hi, Niles.

Say, you're looking
a little green around the gills.

Oh, please, don't even mention gills.

The Yale Club had its annual lunch
at Vashon lsland. All seafood.

- Oh, didn't agree with you?
- Oh, no, the food was fine.

lt was the 4-foot swells coming back
on the ferry that didn't agree with me.

l'm afraid l was forced to return
my sea bass to the sea.

Actually,
l had sort of a rough day myself.

You know, l can't stop thinking
about the bill that Abby sent me.

- Oh?
- Well, you know, after witnessing

her rather slipshod
recordkeeping last night,

l can't help feeling
that l'm getting ripped off.

So l fired off
a strongly worded e-mail today

insisting on a point-by-point
accounting of my bill.

Oh, good idea.

Nothing cements a relationship
like calling the girl a crook.

Speaking of relationships, how about
Donny's decision to get engaged?

My God, talk about
classic rebound behaviour.

Classic.

ls it just me
or is this elevator swaying?

Probably not the wisest decision
Donny could have made at this point.

You know, maybe somebody
should have a talk with him.

Stop. Don't even think about it.

Right now the only thing Donny needs
is to be left alone.

- Oh, hi, Daph.
- Hello.

- Where are you off to?
- l've got to see Donny.

Why in the world
do you have to see Donny?

l'm worried about him.
He's making such a rash decision.

l just wanna make sure he's okay.
And it's not just about that.

We never really had
a proper goodbye

and l feel bad leaving things
the way we did.

What you're looking for is--

Closure.

Yeah. l knew you'd understand.

- Niles, are you feeling okay?
- Oh, yes, l'll be fine.

Well, in that case, when l get back,
this will all be behind us.

We can celebrate.

l'll make us
a nice big English country dinner.

Steak and kidney pudding.

ROZ:
Hold the elevator. Hey, Daphne.

- Niles, l need your opinion.
- Oh, really, l was just about--

About some more classical music
to tape for Alice.

- What?
- Yeah. Oh. l, uh--

Frasier gave me this list,
but it has over 300 names on it.

Who do you think is best?

l would really rather not read
right now.

Okay, well, off the top of your head.
Alice really loves up-tempo numbers.

Last night we were listening
to ''Peer Gynt''

and she started doing all these
little ballerina moves.

You should have seen her,
she was so cute.

She would sway back and forth
to the music

and do these little spins, a jump.

l was doing it with her,
but l started to get so dizzy.

The room went around
and around and around.

- Oh, never mind. l'll ask Frasier.
FRASlER: Hi, Roz.

Where are you going?
What about the CDs?

l'm sorry. Take what you like
and mark it on the sign-out sheet.

Niles, thank God you're here.
Come with me.

There was a message on the machine
from Abby.

She said
she needed to see me right away.

She must have gotten my e-mail.

The message was so short that l can't
really tell what sort of mood she's in.

l guess if she'd been really angry,
she would've left some indication.

Well, then again,
being a savvy lawyer,

she might not really wanna tip
her hand.

Whatever happens, l feel confident
that l made the right decision.

Oh, thanks, Niles,
you've been a support.

- Hi, Dad.
MARTlN: Hey.

Oh, Niles, great news.

Tony the chilli guy
got his vendor licence back.

Check it out.

- Oh, you have the rings?
- Right here.

- Okay.
- Are you nervous?

Well, yeah. l'm excited.

l can't believe Nancy's finally gonna be
my wife after all these weeks.

Okay.

Daphne, what are you doing here?

Your receptionist told me
you'd left for court.

- This is not a good time.
- l know.

You're probably in the middle
of a trial, l'll be brief.

Donny, after seeing you
at the restaurant last night,

l want you to know
l'm worried about you.

- Okay. This is about Nancy?
- l'm sure she's a lovely person

and l probably have no right
saying this,

but l hope you're not
rushing into anything.

- Look, Daphne--
- l know, l know.

l'm way out of line here.

But l still care about
what happens to you.

Take the time
to get to know each other.

Believe me, you'll be glad you did

when the day comes
you finally do get married.

- Yes. Hi.
- Well, what do you know, it's here.

l'll meet you inside. l'll be one second.
l'm sorry. Okay?

l'm so sorry.

- My timing is so terrible.
- Not really.

lf you hang around a few minutes,
we can get you on the wedding video.

l really had no idea
you were getting married so soon.

Well, call me crazy, but l've got
a prejudice against long engagements.

- Mom, hi.
- Sweetie, you look so handsome.

lt's you.

- Hello, Mother Douglas.
- Mrs. Douglas.

You have some nerve
showing up here.

You can beg all you want,
but he's not coming back.

- Mom, Mom.
- He's done crying over you.

- Mom, she knows.
- l don't want you to go back.

- Mom-- No, l'm not.
- Don't you dare, don't do it.

DONNY:
l'll see you in a minute.

Look, Daphne, l don't mean
to rush you, but is there anything else?

Just this.

l never really said how sorry l was
about what happened.

l really am.

Well, Daphne,
if it puts your mind at ease,

l know what l'm doing. l'm happy.
l'm ready to go on with my life.

So...

Yeah, no, l'm-- Hey. Goodbye.

Donny.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Daphne.

- Oh, there you are.
- Listen, l got your message.

lt sounded kind of urgent,
so l came right down.

l suppose you read my e-mail.

No, actually,
my computer's been down all day.

But if it's anything like the last one,
well,

then, l guess we'll know
what overheated my hard drive.

MAN: lt'll need a few minutes
to reconnect to the server

- and then it will be up and running.
- Thank you.

Yeah.

So, uh, why did you call me?

Well, Frasier,

l thought we could celebrate.

Really? Celebrate what?

Well, this morning, l was called down
to the conference room

and all the partners were there.

l thought they were going to yell at me
because they found out

l had given you a discount.

But instead,
they told me l made partner.

You gave me a discount?

- l mean, congratulations. Well, gosh.
- Thank you.

Oh, my God,
you certainly deserve it.

What kind of discount?

- You didn't even notice, did you?
- No, no, l did notice. l did.

l swear to God l noticed.
l even pointed it out to Dad.

That's very sweet.

You're the sweet one.

l'm not always sweet.

Oh, Abby.

COMPUTERlSED VOlCE:
You have e-mail.

l'm not reading them.
The office is closed.

That's a very good decision.
That is partner-level thinking.

Wait. What am l thinking?

You've sent me another one of those
naughty e-mails, haven't you?

Maybe we should act this one out.

No, no, actually, l just--

l just forwarded you an ad
for reduced mortgage rates.

- Then why are you blushing, Frasier?
- Because they're embarrassingly low.

- This says, ''Re: Our relationship.''
- All right, you're on to me.

Now, listen, come here
and sit down and relax.

And l will read it to you.

Prepare to be scandalised.

''Dear Abby.

l read your column every week.''
l'm kidding.

Uh...

No, okay, okay, this time this is
the real stuff now, all right. Um...

''l'm lying here in bed

and l can't stop thinking about you.''

This is getting good.

Oh, you like that, do you? All right.

''Your golden hair cascades

down your bare shoulders,

and l kiss the curve
at the back of your neck.''

l'm very lonely over here.

- Oh, gosh, l've deleted it by accident.
- Oh, no, that's too bad.

l really wanted to hear
the rest of that.

Well, you know what?
We can write a new ending together.

But there's no need to rush.

Listen, we'll just start

very slowly at the beginning.

And then we'll move gently
into the middle.

And then l'm sure you'll want to add
a few plot twists of your own.

Then finally we'll just--

What are you reading?

Your e-mail.
You printed it by mistake.

You think l'm ripping you off?

No. No, no,
l did not use those words.

Actually, l just took issue
with a couple of figures.

And you come in here
and lie to me?

No, ''lie'' is a very strong word.

Well, so is ''chiseller.''

Listen, Abby,
l realise l've made a terrible mistake.

And l wrote some very harsh things.

But, to my credit,
l did attempt to delete it

before you had a chance to read it.

- Get out.
- Oh, come on.

Look at the two of us.
We can't stay mad at each other.

l said, get out.

And to think
that l almost slept with you.

FRASlER:
You still can.